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She didn't know why she started to distance herself from Loid.
She knew what they had was purely business. Ever since she asked Loid to marry her, she knows that all their moments were a facade. They needed to be a perfect family, needed to appear like everything was going great, like nothing is happening, like they were happy and in love.
And maybe they were too good at pretending that for a moment, Yor thought that they were starting to become...real.
But maybe, all the moments that Yor thought that Loid loved her too were the result of her delusions. The man didn't love her, at least not in the way she wants him to. But she loved him...loves him. She didn't know when she started seeing him in a different light but it just happened. One day, she woke up and stared at her husband and realized that she was in love with him, that her heart would skip a beat whenever he smiled at her, complimented her, take her out on dates, touch her...everything was becoming too much. She was overanalyzing everything; was Loid doing these things because he loves her too or just to keep the image of a perfect husband, a perfect family?
However, she knew the answer all along.
How can a man like Loid ever love her when she couldn't even love herself?
Besides, Loid deserved better than a woman whose full of lies. He deserved better than a woman who can't give him what he deserves. He deserved better than a woman who can't even do normal things. Loid deserved better than her.
And that realization probably drove her away from him.
She needed to distance herself from him, no matter how painful it is, because if not, she would probably just end up more heartbroken.
You say, "I don't understand," and I say, "I know you don't"
We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't
Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light
Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time
"Is everything okay, Yor?"
Yor stopped stirring when she heard Loid speak behind her. She blinked twice.
"Of course, why'd you ask?" she asked, internally applauding herself because her voice didn't break.
"I don't know," he said softly and Yor was tempted to turn around to see his face, "You've just been...distant."
Yor licked her lower lip and forced herself to look at her husband who was looking at her intently as if he was looking for an answer and Yor wanted so badly to tell him that; No, everything is not okay. I'm in love with you and you're not and I'm hurting so bad but this was my fault because I let myself fall for you.
"Everything is alright, Loid," she faked a smile, "I'm sorry, I'm just...so tired from work these days."
Loid stared at her for so long that she started fidgeting in her spot. Thankfully, he smiled and nodded in understanding.
"That's good to know," he said, "Let me know if I can help ease your tiredness," he said.
Maybe you can tell me you love me, too, Yor internally answered. But she mentally slapped herself.
Another fake smile, "I will."
Loid wouldn't understand.
And that's the most heartbreaking part.
Loid smiled before walking toward their couch and grabbing his newspaper. Before, Yor would sit beside him and talk to him as they take turns sipping their tea. But that was before Yor realized she was in love with him and that she would never be loved back. That was before Loid's presence started to hurt. That was before every corner of their home became too suffocating for her.
Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
I'm getting tired even for a phoenix
Always risin' from the ashes
Mendin' all her gashes
You might just have dealt the final blow
Yor's grip on Loid's lunch box was tight as she made her way to his office. This wasn't the first time she visited Loid at work but it's been weeks since she last came here and she was with Anya at that time. Loid left his lunch and Yor didn't want him to eat just a sandwich because she knows how tiresome his job is and the last thing he needs is a lonely sandwich. His co-workers smiled at her and greeted her. She smiled back before walking again. Right after she turned to the corner, she halted.
Loid was standing outside his office, talking to Fiona.
They weren't doing anything weird. From someone else's point of view, they would see nothing but two colleagues talking to each other. They weren't standing close to each other. Loid wasn't even smiling at Fiona so why was her heart breaking into pieces?
Maybe because deep down, she knows that Fiona is in love with Loid and that she can give him everything Yor can't.
Loid must've noticed her presence because he looked to his left and their eyes met. He immediately smiled and left Fiona. Yor faked another smile as her husband walked towards her.
Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore for you
'Cause you're losin' me
As soon as they got home from Camilla's party, Yor was quick to tell Loid that she will be skipping their usual tea time and that she immediately wants to sleep.
She didn't even give him time to say something. She quickly went to her room and lay on her bed, still wearing her dress. She closed her eyes as she remembered how Camilla, Millie, and Sharon asked how frequently do they kiss and how they never saw the two be intimate with each other. Yor tried formulating lame excuses but it wasn't enough for the ladies and so Loid did what he thinks was the best thing to do.
He kissed her.
In front of everyone.
And it should be enough for her to have her heart skip rapidly, should be enough for her cheeks to burn, should be enough to have her smiling throughout the night.
But why was she crying right now?
Maybe because she knows that the kiss didn't mean anything to him. That he simply did it to stop everyone from becoming suspicious and to shut her co-workers up.
But, God, she wished it meant to him as much as it means so much to her.
Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes
How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?
I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick
Both of them were caught off guard by Anya's question.
It was just a typical day for the Forgers. Father and daughter were busy with Anya's homework as Yor prepared their hot drinks. When Yor sat on the loveseat, Anya popped the question that made both of the adults freeze in their seats.
"Does Papa and Mama love each other?"
If this was before, Yor would've squealed out of embarrassment and would hide in her room for the rest of the night. But now, she sat there, her eyes fixed on Loid as she wait for his answer.
Loid cleared his throat, his ears and neck completely red, "Of course, I love your Mama," he said, "The same way I love you."
Yor fought back her tears.
Not the answer she wanted...needed to hear.
Yor mentally slapped herself. Of course, he would say yes. It's not like he has to tell his daughter that he wasn't really in love with Yor and that the reason why they're still together is because it benefits the both of them. They were partners for convenience...not for love.
Yor doesn't know why she kept on forgetting that.
Anya looked at her, waiting for an answer, but Yor was too preoccupied with her thoughts to even answer.
And the air is thick with loss and indecision
I know my pain is such an imposition
Now, you're runnin' down the hallway
And you know what they all say
"You don't know what you got until it's gone"
Yor's breath hitched as she came face-to-face with the man that the Garden has warned her about.
The infamous spy from Westalis.
Agent Twilight.
Loid Forger.
Her eyes are wide as she stared at the painfully familiar blues she learned to love. She was so stupid.
Her grip on her stiletto loosened when she realized that the spy who kept on messing with her previous missions was no other than the man she loved, her husband. Loid, no, Twilight's eyes were as wide as saucers as he recognized her.
"Yor?"
Her tears immediately fell. She wanted to press her blade closer to his throat, curse him for lying, for using her for his mission, but a little girl with pink hair flashed in her mind and suddenly, she was no longer on top of him. She took a step back when Twilight stood, his hand tightly holding his gun but not aiming at her.
"Y-You're Thorn Princess?" he asked.
She could only nod as memories start to flood her mind. How Loid would always have scars whenever he came home late, how he refuses to let anyone in his room, like her, how he would always ask her questions about her city hall work as if he was looking for information, how invested he was when she and Melinda became friends.
Everything was for his mission.
"Is Anya..." she couldn't even finish her question but it seemed like she didn't need to because he understood it. He nodded.
"But I care for her, Yor," he whispered, "The same way I care for you."
Yor inhaled sharply, "You're only saying that so you can run away tonight."
He tried to take a step forward but he stopped when Yor raised her blade and pointed it at him. He raised his arm in defeat, throwing his gun on the floor in the process.
"Yor...can we patch you up first before we talk? You're bleeding," he said helplessly, his eyes focused on her gunshot wound but the pain from the bullet isn't as painful as the truth she just found out right now.
"I..." she gulped, "I'm sorry."
Before Twilight could even say something, she ran away.
How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best mes, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army, frontlines, don't you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party (You're losin' me)
She came home late that night. Too ashamed to even step inside their apartment. Too ashamed to face Twilight. Too ashamed to face Anya.
When she opened the door, the first thing she saw was Twilight on their couch, looking like he was waiting for her. He immediately stood up when their eyes met. Yor closed the door and was thankful that Anya was already asleep.
As soon as she was in front of him, she blurted out the decision that she made.
"I'm going to leave."
Loid's shoulders tensed.
"Yor, please."
There was desperation in his voice but Yor didn't know if she'll believe it or not. Loid had already lied to her and he's damn good at lying. So she doesn't know whether to believe everything she's seeing right now or not.
"Your mission, whatever that is, will be compromised once your agency finds out you're married to me," she said and teared up when she realized that she sounded desperate too.
Loid tries to take a step forward but Yor shakes her head.
"They don't need to know," he said and swallowed, "Anya needs you."
Yor stared at him. He looked so helpless and it was the first time she saw him like this.
And it was too painful to look at him. She caused this. So she needs to end it. After all, she was the one who wanted to get married.
"And what about you?" she asked, "Do you need me too?"
She waited for his answer. For a few seconds.
Until the seconds turned into minutes. And Yor gathered all he strength to stop herself from crying in front of him.
He couldn't give her an answer. And that was enough indication that she was replaceable. That he didn't need her as much as she needs him. That he doesn't love her, and probably never will.
Yor smiled widely.
"I'll just go to Anya's room to say goodbye," she said softly and she was expecting him to stop her but he just stood there.
And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her
And I'm fadin', thinkin'
"Do something, babe, say something" (Say something)
"Lose something, babe, risk something" (You're losin' me)
"Choose something, babe, I got nothing" (I got nothing)
"To believe, unless you're choosin' me"
He didn't do anything as she entered her daughter's room and gave her a kiss. He didn't do anything when she packed her things. And he didn't do anything when she closed the door of their apartment.
He just stood there.
Yor didn't die from her mission, but she felt like she died when she left the Forger household.
By the time he realized that he didn't want to lose her, it was too late.
It was about an hour later that he realized that he didn't want Yor to leave, not because he needed her for his mission, but because he was in love with her.
When Yor left, he immediately thought of countless ways to still make Operation Strix work. But it feels so wrong to move forward without her. It was too late to even realize that he loved her too much to let her go. Because by the time he was running outside their apartment and on the streets, Yor was nowhere to be found.
He ran and ran. Desperately trying to find her. But she was nowhere to be found. He ran to the places where they usually go but she wasn't there. Even went to her old apartment in hopes that he'll see her there but to no avail.
And just like that, Yor was gone.
He just lost her.
You're losin' me
Stop (Stop, stop), you're losin' me
Stop (Stop, stop), you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore