Archive of Our Own

i blew things out of proportion, now you're blue, put you in jail for something you didn't do

She was pissed.

Actually, pissed was an understatement. Enraged might be a better word for the smoke coming out of her ears.

He probably heard the stomping of her boots against the runway as she beelined for his huddled figure on the pavement, watching as he leisurely stood up and turned around, walking away from her.

“Bradley James Bradshaw, don’t you dare walk away from me.” She barked, finally catching up with him, “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“Drop it, Tasha.”

“I will not drop it,” Phoenix roared, “Breaking the hard deck? Insubordination? Are you trying to get kicked out?”

“Don’t worry about it,” He told her once more, sidestepping her, but she wasn’t about to let him off that easily.

“Look, I am going on his mission but if you get kicked out, you leave us flying with Hangman. You have worked too hard and too long to ruin your future like this. What are you so scared of that you would risk your entire career?”

“Just leave it be. I’m not doing this right now.”

She let out a harsh growl as she threw her helmet to the ground, the sun bouncing off the call sign painted on it.

“God, Bradley! You’re so frustrating!” She laughed bitterly, “I am your girlfriend and I can’t get the truth out of you for anything! I can’t keep doing this with you—“

“Then don’t!”

“I’m not done talking to you!”

“Well, you can just stand here and yell at the fucking sky because I am done talking to you!” He snapped, his pace picking up with every word.

“I want to be with you, Bradley,” She called after him, “but I deserve better than to be left in the dark because you refuse to confront whatever demons you are hiding from. I just want to be here for you, but I can’t be if you won’t let me. If you walk away, we’re done.” She declared, hoping that her words would have the effect she wanted them to, and for a second they did, the Lieutenant stopping abruptly in his boots, but after a few moments, his shoulders fell and he picked up his helmet from the ground, sauntering back towards the dorms with no second thought, leaving Phoenix with wide eyes and a shattered heart.

Tears glistened in her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day, the tension between her and the boy she loved finally splitting in two with the steak knife he had shoved further into her chest with every step.

i pinned your hands behind your back,
thought I had reason to attack

He heard her boots stomping against the pavement a mile away, and he knew he was done for. Yeah, he’d fucked up butting heads with Captain Mitchell, but his resentment overruled the history between them in that moment and he wasn’t about to be pushed around by the coward who shaved four years off of his career without so much as an explanation.

It was stupid, and dangerous, to air out their dirty laundry thousands of feet above the ground, but his words flew out of his mouth faster than the speed of the engines on his jet and the breaking of the hard deck was just the final nail in the coffin.

He didn’t even have to look up to see the anger on her features – it was practically steaming off of her – but he didn’t have the energy or the patience to fight with her, so he stood on quivering legs and trudged off in the direction of the barracks as he hoped silently that she’d get the hint.

“Bradley James Bradshaw, don’t you dare walk away from me. Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“Drop it, Tasha.” He sighed, but he knew her better than that. 

“I will not drop it,” She barked, jogging to catch up to him as she stopped him abruptly in his tracks, “Breaking the hard deck? Insubordination? Are you trying to get kicked out?”

He really wasn’t, but there was something about having to listen to the man that killed his father that made all common sense fly away like a damn F-18.

“Don’t worry about it,” He told her once more, sidestepping her, but she wasn’t about to let him off that easily.

“Look, I'm going on his mission but if you get kicked out, you leave us flying with Hangman. You have worked too hard and too long to ruin your future like this. What are you so scared of that you would risk your entire career?”

He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t ready to acknowledge the reason why he was who he was and he sure as hell wasn’t ready to deal with the pity the girl he loved was bound to have written all over her face after he admitted it.

“Just leave it be. I’m not doing this right now.”

Her anger was coming to its head, the tarmac beneath their feet scuffing the paint from her helmet as she all but slammed it into the ground.

“God, Bradley! You’re so frustrating!” She laughed bitterly, “I am your girlfriend and I can’t get the truth out of you for anything! I can’t keep doing this with you—“

“Then don’t!”

His head was pounding and he just wanted to be left alone to gather his thoughts.

“I’m not done talking to you!”

And once again, his brain disconnected from his mouth before he could stop it from drawing a thick line in the sand between them.

“Well, you can just stand here and yell at the fuckin’ sky because I am done talking to you!”

“I want to be with you, Bradley…”

He wanted to be with her, too. More than anything.

“…but I deserve better than to be left in the dark because you refuse to confront whatever demons you are hiding from. I just want to be there for you, but I can’t be if you won’t let me. If you walk away, we’re done.” 

She was right. She did deserve better.

He wasn’t facing her anymore, but he didn’t need to. He didn’t have to try to picture the tears swimming in her eyes or the heat in her cheeks. The tension splitting from the blade of his knife in her chest was enough for him to know he’d already ruined the only good thing he had in his life.

The voice in his head, which sounded a lot like his mother’s, was screaming at him to turn around and take her in his arms and spend the rest of his existence telling her how much he loved her too, but the damage had already been done and he did what he does best, leaving a broken heart in his wake.

fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves
chemistry 'til it blows up, 'til there's no us

The distance was brutal, to say the least, the two lieutenants sharing stolen glances across any room they were in together, and though they avoided each other like the plague, they wished one would slip up and bump into the other by accident so it’d give them a reason to communicate.

Stubbornness was a bitch.

“Why don’t you just go talk to him?” Her backseater told her from next to her, and Phoenix wondered how long she’d been staring at Rooster as she had no idea Bob had even made his appearance.

He’d quickly become her closest friend right after Bradley, and with that came the obligatory role of the relationship counselor, or ‘Bob the Builder’, which he deemed was a cool enough nickname.

“Because he chose to walk away and I won’t be the one to hold him back from whatever it is he’s trying to prove.”

why'd i have to break what i love so much?
it's on your face, and I'm to blame

“Why don’t you just go talk to her, you idiot?” Omaha chided, swatting Rooster on the back of the head when he caught him staring at Natasha as she leaned against the bar laughing at what he assumed was another stupid joke Coyote pulled out of his ass.

“Because I already hurt her once and I’m not going to do it again.”

She felt the heat in her cheeks as fear crept up on her, Maverick’s uneasy voice over the comms trying to wake Coyote from his g-LOC sending tingles up and down her spine.

He told them at the beginning of this simulation that it would push them and their jets to their breaking points, but they had no clue just how far he meant until now. 

She was used to wavering on the line of breaking points. Hell, it was a thrill like no other that every pilot was determined to experience at least once in their career and it was certainly one she thrived in. 

This was different – it was chaotic, the breaking points nowhere to be found. 

“Snap out of it, Coyote! C’mon!” Maverick bellowed as the unconscious pilot’s plane continued to flip around out of control, “Damn it, Coyote!”

“He’s gonna burn in!” She shouted.

“I’m going after him!” Captain Mitchell told them, quickly approaching the spiraling F-18 as he attempts to lock him in, “Come on, give me tone, give me tone, give me tone…”

Within seconds of the target lock beeping, Coyote began to stir, but he was nowhere near awake enough to control his plane. Maverick continued to cry out orders to him through the radio and eventually after about a dozen ‘ Pull up ’s, Coyote startles and yanks on the stick, pulling up to safety just in time.

“Coyote, you okay?”

“I’m okay…I’m good.”

A unanimous sigh of relief resounded.

“Good, good. That’s enough for today.”

“That was close,” She spoke through the lump in her throat as her heart threatened to pound out of her chest, to which Maverick agreed, “Too close.”

She couldn’t wait until her feet were finally on the ground.

The birds crashing into the exterior of her jet had other ideas. God, she just couldn’t catch a break.

All hell broke loose as Maverick screamed ‘bird strike’ a few too many times for her liking, a flock colliding with the nose of the plane and she’s frozen for a split second as two hit her engine.

She’s panicking. Bob’s panicking. Captain Mitchell’s panicking.

Captain Mitchell doesn’t panic.

“Phoenix, left engine’s on fire!”

Damn it, she just needed a minute to focus and she can’t do that when nobody will stop yelling into her ears. There was only one voice she wanted to hear and it certainly wasn’t Bob’s.

“Climbing!” She replied, pulling the jet up to a higher altitude as she flipped the engine switch off, “Throttling back. Shutting off fuel to left engine. Extinguishing fire.”

“Phoenix, it’s on fire! Don’t start!”

Alarms sound and lights flash, warning of the impending doom that was taking its sweet time arriving. More panic, more screaming. Her chest was tightening and her mind was wandering.

“We’re on fire! We’re on fire! Damn it!”

For the love of god, if Bob doesn’t shut up—. 

“Phoenix, Bob, punch out, punch out!”

The right engine goes out and the hydraulics fail, and she tries in vain to keep their jet in the sky. They’re panicking and now they’re spiraling – not a good combination.

Everything was out of control – she couldn’t keep a grip on the stick and her blood was rushing through her body and they wouldn’t stop yelling. Even the jet was screaming at her.

“We’re going down, Phoenix! We’re going in! We’re going in!”

“You can’t save it. Eject, eject, eject!”

So much for the thrill, she thought as she reached for the ejection rope connected to her seat and she is knocked breathless by the g-force as their plane burst into flames and crumbled into bits against the side of the mountain, Bradley’s auburn eyes the last thing in her mind before her vision faded to black.

but it's not what I meant, i'm sorry that I hurt you

“Eject, eject, eject!”

Maverick’s voice barreled through the coms and Rooster’s heart picked up its speed as his F-18 slowed down, his wide eyes watching as Bob and Natasha were thrown violently into the air, their parachutes catching the wind as their plane exploded on the side of the mountain.

“Dagger Two, preparing for emergency rescue.” Rooster declared with a tight chest, having just heard the girl he loved almost plummet to her death, “Dagger Two, preparing for emergency rescue.”

“Negative, Dagger Two,” Captain Mitchell graveled through the comms, “Stay on base, Dagger Two. Search and Rescue will get them.”

“Mav—,”

“Stay on base, Lieutenant. I’m not going to repeat myself.”

Despite the instinct to run, or fly, to her rescue, he was already in hot water and he knew better than to put her in the middle of his tiffs with his superiors, so instead he did just as his Captain asked of him and listened to Search and Rescue on the comms as he pushed the strain in his gut to ignore all of his orders and run to her.

i don't wanna do this to you, i don't wanna lose this with you

An incessant beeping roused her from her deep sleep and light began to slither in as she opened her eyes before she squeezed them shut again, the harshness of it surrounding her nothing close to the complete darkness she’d grown accustomed to over the last few hours. 

Her body was on fire from head to toe, yet a steady stream of chills coursed through her, the aftermath of the ejection now on full force ready to take her out for good, and it didn’t help that laying in this damn hospital bed was like laying on a pile of rocks.

“Nice of you to join the land of the living.”

Hangman, his voice was more unpleasant than the beeping.

“Eh, sleeping beauty.”

God dammit, he never knows when to shut the fuck up.

“I heard you the first time,” She groaned, her eyes still closed, “How’d you get in here?”

“Oh, I used to sleep with the charge nurse.” He told her and it wasn’t hard to hear the smirk that accompanied his words, as she wondered why she didn’t guess that sooner, “She said you could have visitors and I paper-rock-scissored Coyote for Phoenix duty. He lost, so he’s babysitting Bob next door.”

All she could muster was a hum as her pain level continued to rise, the intensity beginning to be too much to distract herself from. Her gut was churning and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to now that she was awake and in so much pain. 

She fumbled around blindly for the call button on the side of her bed, pressing it a few times to hopefully get someone’s attention, and sure enough, Sandy, one of the many nurses attending to her, whisked into the room and patted her leg buried under the sheets, giving it a gentle squeeze, “Lieutenant, I’m glad you’re awake. You have quite the crowd gathered in the waiting room.”

There was only one person she wanted to see and yet, she’d bet her hard-earned money he wasn’t in the crowd that she assumed was wreaking havoc on the poor clinic staff, and she also wasn’t up to entertaining anyone when she felt like she just stepped off a never-ending cycle of the Tilt-A-Whirl.

“Phoenix, you alright?”

The discomfort was evident on her face, her brows furrowing as she felt the burning in her throat and her eyes shot open in a panic, all but snatching the bucket off the bedside table just in time to empty her stomach. Her tousled hair was quickly moved out of her face before it could fall in the line of fire and she felt a hand on her back rubbing up and down as she continued to retch. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Hangman. Guess he was making up for disturbing her from a quality slumber.

After what felt like an annoyingly long lifetime, her belly started to settle and so did the tightening of her muscles, her body returning to its painful state as the nausea passed.

“One of the main side effects of a concussion is vomiting,” The nurse spoke up, handing Natasha a wet paper towel to wipe her face, “I’ll call in the order to the pharmacy for the anti-emetic and it should be here within the next ten minutes or so. Are you alright now or do you feel like you might be sick again?”

She scrubbed her face clean of the vomit and sweat and tossed it in the bin, reaching for the jug of water to ease her scorched throat, “I’m fine. Thank you.”

“You know what to do if you need me,” Sandy told her, sending a pointed look to Jake who was surprisingly chill even though he was almost the target of her upchuck, “Keep her stress to a minimum. She needs the rest and I will happily call security if you decide you know better.”

“Ma’am, yes ma’am.” He replied curtly, “She’s in good hands.”

Eventually, there was just silence between them once again (minus the irritating sound of her heart monitor — why in the hell do they make so much fucking noise?), and she laid back against her pillow, glancing at Hangman as he took a seat in what looked to be a very uncomfortable chair next to her and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Is there something I can help you with, Bagman?”

“You can start by telling me why your boyfriend isn’t here even though he should be.”

She sighed, shutting out the lights once again as she closed her eyes. She did not want to talk about this, and she especially didn’t want to talk about it with Jake Seresin. She was used to him putting his nose where it didn’t belong, but her relationship, or past relationship she should say, with Bradley was off limits.

“He’s not my boyfriend anymore.”

Seriously? You didn’t get enough of the whole spilling your guts thing a minute ago, Phoenix?, she thought to herself through the blinding headache that she wished would just take her out already.

“Does he know that?” Jake raised a brow at her.

“He’s the one that made the decision."

That seemed to shut him up, a very pregnant pause following her words.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Phoe.”

Her head snapped up off the pillow and she tried to muffle the instant regret of doing so as she huffed with vexation, marveling over just who Hangman thought he was talking to.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but he dumped me. I told him that if he didn’t stay and talk to me about what he’s so afraid of, we were done. And despite the ultimatum of losing his pride or losing me, he still walked away,” She spat, venom burning her tongue like the tears in her eyes, “I gave him a chance to fix things between us and he decided he was better off alone, so he got what he wanted.”

“And why are you so sure you’re not what he wants?”

“I’m not doing this with you, Jake.” She sighed and leaned back into her pillow, “Please, just go.”

“Phoe—”

“Go!” She roared, squeezing her eyes shut as her hand immediately flew up to her head, a nimble hiss leaving her lips as black spots clouded her vision. 

“You need to leave,” Sandy barked as she hastened into the room and over to Natasha’s bedside, “Her blood pressure and heart rate have gone up significantly in the few minutes you’ve been in here, and I told you her stress needed to stay down. You can see her again when she’s discharged.”

“Natasha, I’m—”

“Now, Lieutenant.”

He pursed his lips and stood from his chair, sending his fellow pilot an abrupt goodbye before sauntering into the hallway and out of the hospital in search of the only one who could fix this shit storm.

i need to say it's all me, just don't go

His entire body trembled, and yet, he wasn’t even the one ejected from his plane. 

It was painful to breathe, thinking about it, but he couldn’t get it out of his head for the life of him. She evaded the maneuver, and she survived the g-LOC, but a damn bird was what almost took her out. 

“They’re going to be fine,”

The familiar voice startled him, and he felt Maverick’s tense demeanor from the doorway. The air was thick between them and for good reason, but for a sliver of a moment, he wished he still had someone to turn to. 

Natasha was that person, she was there even when she didn’t know it. She was there in the late-night calls and the early-morning texts, she was there in the deafening silence when her presence was all he needed when he felt like he was slowly but surely losing his mind.

In the middle of the chaos, she was there.

Mav’s attempt for reassurance fell on deaf ears, they were still stuck in the dead end they’d been in for the last year and it seemed impossible to get out of it. There was just too much history and too much resentment for this to be anything more than it was.

“Bob’s got a dislocated shoulder and a couple of bruises, but he should be released by this evening,” Maverick tried again, hoping that Rooster would take the olive branch he was holding out to him, “He took the brunt from his seatbelt straps, so he’ll be sore for a couple of days.”

“And Phoenix?” Bradley interrupted, his face still buried in his quivering hands, “How is she?”

“Maybe you should find out for yourself.”

“She doesn’t want to see me.”

“And you heard that from her?” Pete challenged.

“I don’t need to hear it from her. I just know she won’t want to see me. Not after what I did.”

“And what did you do exactly?”

Rooster’s shoulders slumped, and he let out a sigh, rising off the bench, his eyes avoiding Maverick’s at all costs, “It doesn’t matter. She’ll be better off if I’m not there to upset her.”

The sun was setting through the window and if it weren’t for the golden rays bouncing off of Bradley’s skin, Mav wouldn’t have seen the dried tear tracks on the pilot’s cheeks.

That’s where he and Rooster were very much alike — they preferred to feel in isolation, which didn’t usually work out well for them. There was an unmistakable peace in the silence, but with it came a bigger sense of feeling alone than ever before. He learned the hard way that shutting down got him nowhere, and it was an ache like no other, an ache he wished Bradley never had to feel.

He would never forgive himself for being the reason his godson was an orphan, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that now, and he came to peace with that a long time ago. Mav made a promise to his best friends that he would take care of their son, even if it was from a distance, and that meant making sure that Rooster knew there were people that loved him.

“I’ve never lost a wingman before.”

The confession came out frail and it was the first time since they’d been called back to TOPGUN that Mav noticed the fear Bradley was carrying around on his shoulders, and he was partly to blame for the fact the young but seasoned pilot knew all too well what happens when a mission goes sideways and knows how to hide his emotions under lock and key, but this was a different kind of fear than the one pilots wear like a patch on their jacket.

This wasn’t the same fear of losing parents or a best friend. Bradley almost lost the girl he loved.

“You’re lucky.”

Maverick’s words came as a surprise to both of them, but the fury in Rooster’s eyes didn’t. 

“Excuse me?”

“I said that you’re lucky. Fly long enough, it’ll happen. There will be others.”

A scoff and a chuckle came from the young pilot and it would’ve lifted the tension in any other circumstance, but all he really wanted to do was lift his fist and put it through his godfather’s face. 

“Easy for you to say,” He retorted instead, “No wife. No kids. Nobody to mourn you when you burn in.”

Okay, that stung. 

“Go home, Lieutenant,” Maverick chastised, turning away from Rooster, “Sleep it off. You look like you could use some.”

“Why’d you pull my papers at the academy?!” 

Ah, the massive elephant in the room. 

“Why did you stand in my way?”

“Because you weren’t ready!” 

“Ready for what? Ready to fly like you?” Rooster bit back.

The space was closing in on them and the invisible vice they held around each other’s throats was slowly pulling the air from the lungs.

“You weren’t ready to forget the damn book!” Maverick roared, “You don’t know how to trust your own instincts. Don’t think, just do. You think up there, you’re dead. Believe me.”

“My dad believed in you.”

There it was, years of grief, resentment, rage, laid out on the floor. 

“Phoenix believed in you. I’m not gonna make the same mistake.”

Mav was in a daze, he wasn’t expecting that to hurt so much. After some-odd years, you’d think it wouldn’t, but he guessed the pain would always be as heavy as the day his partner died. 

Another scoff and a harsh blow to his shoulder brought him back as Bradley brushed past him towards the door and although it was getting harder by the second for his brain to comprehend a single thought, this was his only chance to make this right. He would never be able to give Rooster his dad back to him, but he could make sure his pilot didn’t stand in the way of his own future – the one where he had a love much like the one his parents had, passionate and fearless and free.

“Bradley, wait.”

Rooster wanted to storm out, he wanted this confrontation to be over so he could wallow in his self-pity for just a little longer, but for some reason only the gods know, something stopped him abruptly in his boots, maybe the same something that stopped him long enough to hear the ultimatum Natasha had no choice but to give.

“It doesn’t matter how angry you are with me, I assure you I can take it,” Captain Mitchell pursed his lips with a nod of his head, “But Phoenix deserves better.”

“Don’t tell me about what Phoenix deserves–” 

“Phoenix deserves respect and you leaving her in the dark is no way to give it to her. Don’t run away from this,” Maverick pleaded with him, “You have something good here with her. You have what your parents wanted for you. Please don’t give that up because you’re scared to face your fear.”

“And what do you know about fear?”

“I know that you’re afraid to let her in because you think what happened to your dad is gonna happen to her. You’re afraid to love her because losing her would feel like losing your mom all over again.”

As the words left Mav’s mouth, his shirt was bunched in Bradley’s hands and he was against the wall, the fury in his eyes darker than the Captain had ever seen before.

“Don’t you dare talk about my mother!” Rooster hissed, slamming him against the brick again for good measure, “You know nothing about my mother!”

“Somebody’s got to talk about her!” Maverick pushed back against him, pulling the fabric of his uniform out of Bradley’s grip, his words spilling out before he could stop them, “God knows you don’t! You want to know why I pulled your papers? Because she asked me to.”

“Wh—you’re lying,” Rooster breathed out as he staggered backward a few steps, his eyes now wide and clouded with confusion, “She would never do that.”

Maverick sighed, rubbing away the ache forming in his temple. He didn’t mean for it to come out like that; he didn’t mean for it to come out at all.

“Why would she do that?” Rooster’s voice cracked, lowering himself into a chair on his unsteady feet, “She said she would support me if I applied to the Academy…she knew how much I wanted it…”

“She did, but she also didn’t want you to end up like your dad.”

“Flying is the one thing I do where I feel closest to him!” Bradley roared, but Mav wasn’t quite sure it was directed at him, “I can’t even remember him unless I’m in the air or sitting in front of a goddamn piano, and she chose to take that away from me? How could she do that?!”

“Because you are the only thing she had left to keep your father’s memory alive! Every time your dad flew, she held her breath until his feet were on the ground again,” Maverick said, “She felt the exact same way you were feeling today when you heard Phoenix and Bob burning in. Losing you wasn’t an option for her.”

“But it shouldn’t have been up to her!” He bellowed, rising to his feet, “And it sure as hell shouldn’t have been up to you! You took four years of remembering my dad away from me.”

“Brad—”

“I forgot what his voice sounded like,” He murmured, the hot tears swimming against the rims of his eyes finally breaking free as they slid down his flushed cheeks, “You were there when he died, you knew him, you loved him. There will never be a day that he’s not in the back of your mind. You got to be his partner and all he’ll ever be to me is a name on a headstone.”

He swiped at his cheeks forcefully, brushing away any sign that he was letting the long-buried pain be free as he painted a scowl on his trembling chin, the darkness returning to his reddened eyes.

“When this mission is over, you will never see me again.”

And with that, he was gone, leaving Maverick with no time to protest or heal their aching hearts.

Silence filled the air of her bedroom as her eyes bore holes into the ceiling, the sun outside her window shining just over the horizon painting her bruised and battered skin with shades of orange and purple.

Sleep, it usually came easily for her, her exhaustion getting the best of her without a fight most days, but that was not the case this time as the angry red numbers on her bedside table glared back at her. 

She tried to close her eyes and rest, but her mind hasn’t stopped racing since her plane blew up on the side of the mountain.

Actually, it hadn’t stopped racing since Bradley left her crying on the tarmac, though her mind was never steady when she was with him. He drove her absolutely mad and he made her question everything she ever thought she knew about the world, yet he was the one thing she was sure of.

She’s loved him for a long time, so long that it was quite difficult to remember what it was like before he swept her off her feet. There was this thing about him that made her feel a little more alive and far less lost. 

She noticed it in the quiet moments – that half-awake half-dream place just before the sun arrives as they lay skin-to-skin buried in the covers of his bed, and when he breathes in the scent of her strawberry shampoo as she sits nestled in his side while the wheels of his old Bronco carry them along the streets of downtown San Diego, and when she catches him looking at her across a crowded room like she’s something worth looking at.

She could sit with him in silence for the rest of their lives and it would mean more than a thousand words with anyone else.

But this kind of silence was deafening.

She wasn’t sure where they stood. It felt so final, watching him walk away without so much as a second thought. It’s a goddamn mess they’ve made, trying to prove they don’t need each other.

A soft knock at her front door startled her as it echoed off the walls, and she rolled onto her side to face the window, hoping whoever it was would leave her be. She wasn’t one to nurse an injury, but she would if it meant she wouldn’t be bothered.

That wasn’t the case as another knock sounded, quicker and louder this time, and it was obvious that whoever it was was not going to give up that easily.

What wasn’t obvious is the reason why a disgruntled Captain Mitchell was standing at her doorstep looking like someone ran over his dog. His cheeks were wet and his eyes were red, and his hands were hidden in his pockets, a trick to hide the trembles – Bradley taught her that.

She’d never noticed before how much her boyfr… Bradley …looked like Maverick until now. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but she would assume it had something to do with the loss they shared.

“Captain,” She greeted, the confusion evident in her voice, but his appearance told her more than words ever could, “Everything okay?”

“I’m sorry to stop by so late, I know you’re supposed to be resting—”

She waved him off, opening the door wider as a silent invitation for him to enter, “My meds have me too wired to get any sleep. Would you like to come in?”

He mumbled a ‘thank you’ and stepped inside, the chilled air a silent solace to combat the searing San Diego heat. 

“Can I get you anything, Sir? Water, coffee…”

“No, I’m good,” He assured her, following her over to the dining table and slumping down into a chair, letting out an uneasy breath as he looked at her with furrowed brows, “I just came by to ask you to fix things with Rooster.”

She was caught off guard once again by his words, but her recovery was quick and her lips formed a tight line, her hands curling into fists on her lap as she turned her head away from him and stood from the table, traipsing back over to the door to yank it open.

“I’m never one to disrespect a superior officer, so I apologize if my tone is less than polite, but my relationship is none of your business. So, I think it’s best that you leave now, Sir.”

“Please, just hear me out,” He pleaded, rubbing a hand over his face, “I’m not here to cause any trouble or make this any more difficult for you, but I need you to hear it from me because god knows how hard-headed that boy is—”

“Captain, I know that better than anybody—”

“Then you know he doesn’t do anything without a reason,” Maverick spoke, cutting her off, “It may not make sense to anyone else, but it does to him and whatever is running through his head when he makes that choice, it’s been on his mind for a long time.”

“Just stop, okay?” She choked out, her voice cracking as she tipped her head back to blink away the tears burning her eyes, “He chose to end things between us without a second thought. He pushed me away, not the other way around. He’s pushed me away so many times and I kept going back, but I can’t do it anymore because I am tired.”

Her confession knocked the wind from her chest and somehow in this moment, she looked more distraught than Maverick did on her front porch. She hadn’t even realized her tears had broken through their barriers until she felt a few drip from her chin onto her arms crossed over her chest.

“I’m tired of begging him to let me in.” She sniffled, wiping her cheeks on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, a sweatshirt that she’d claimed as her own from Bradley’s closet, the smell of him still lingering on the thick fabric, “I know how stubborn he is, believe me. I’ve known it since the day we met. I was fine with it until he started letting that stubbornness come in between us. So, if you came here to pressure me into forgetting the hurt he’s put himself and me through, you’re wasting your time.”

“I would never ask you to forget it,” Maverick rushed out, standing abruptly from his chair, “I’m asking you to understand that when he’s pushing you away, it’s the only thing he knows how to do anymore.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her, his hands up in surrender like a white flag, “He’s been through more trauma and heartache than any kid should ever have to go through. He’s got it engraved in his mind that people don’t stay and it’s easier to make them leave than to watch them leave on their own because he’s so sure that everyone will leave eventually.”

“I’m not everyone!” She cried, the sob stuck in her throat crawling its way out before she could stop it, her shoulders shaking with the emotions she’d been carrying, “I am the only one who stuck around! I am the one who has seen every scar on his body, even the ones that he would never show anyone else. I am the one who sat next to him at his parent’s graves and listened to him talk for hours as if they were right there listening. I was here when you weren’t!”

She probably would’ve regretted those words on any other day, but she didn’t. She couldn’t regret honesty because frankly, it was all she had left to give right now.

“And I’m sorry if that’s crossing a line, but I don’t know how else to make it clear that even though I will never give up on us, he has to be the one to fight this time because I am tired of begging him to love me the way I love him.”

“I understand,” Maverick spoke softly, which surprised her in a sense, “I appreciate you being honest with me and I can’t put into words how thankful I am that you were there for him when I couldn’t be. If you want this to be the end of the conversation, I will leave, but if you still have one more chance left in you to give him, don’t let it go to waste just because you’re afraid that he’s too stubborn to admit he needs you.”

“And if he doesn’t take that chance?”

“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to him. He’d be stupid not to take it.”

She turned away from him and drew in a painful breath as she dried her face, blinking away any leftover tears waiting to fall before she crossed the room and wrapped her arms around Maverick’s neck.

He was stunned by the gesture, but he quickly returned it with an even tighter hug as he understood just how much she needed it, even if he wasn’t the one she wanted it from the most. 

Though he’d grown soft spots for all of his Lieutenants, Natasha was the one he saw the most potential in. She was fierce, and headstrong, and certain of who she was and who she wanted to be – it was obvious to everyone in her presence.

It was one of the reasons he knew his godson loved her so much.

“It’s all gonna work out, kiddo.”

He felt her shudder in his embrace and he rubbed her back, squeezing her once more before letting her go and giving her a soft smile in place of a goodbye as he headed for the door, only turning back towards her when she called out to him, “Captain?”

“Yeah?”

"He hasn't been in a long time, but when he feels lost, he takes flowers to his mom."

tell me that you're still mine, tell me that we'll be just fine, even when I lose my mind

The tires of his Bronco slowly rolled to a stop on the gravel road leading to the rows of headstones he hadn’t seen in a good six months.

He’d tried so hard to come as often as he could, but time just seemed to get away from him, and ignoring the grief that was still as fresh as it was the day they were buried seemed easier the less time he spent here. 

Natasha had begged him over and over to visit them, even if just to talk for a few minutes or to put out new flowers, but eventually, after one too many arguments about it, she stopped asking.

We can’t keep having the same fight, she said, So you let me know when you’re ready to stop bottling up everything, and I’ll be here.

Bottling it up is exactly how he ended up on this road sitting in his truck with teary eyes and shaking hands, wishing that she was sitting in the seat next to him as she whispered words of solace that told him it was okay to still miss them, but he went too far this time, he pushed her too hard, and he ruined the one good thing he had left. 

He couldn’t blame her for what happened between them, but he wanted to. 

He wanted to tell her that she’s the reason he’s afraid of the future. He’s terrified of loving her, and building a life with her, and having everything he never knew he wanted, only to end up like his father leaving his wife and child behind to spend decades missing him.

He wanted to tell her she was the reason he’s so stubborn. No matter the tears or silence or the words they wished they could take back, every fight ended the same way it started — two people so enamored with each other that they couldn’t imagine fighting with anyone else. 

He wanted to tell her that she’s the reason he wanted to be a better man, but can’t seem to let go of the weight he’s carried around on his shoulders since he was four years old.

He wondered if his parents were the same way, butting heads over every little thing and yet somehow ending up right back in each other’s arms, kisses muffling the apologies spilling from their lips well into the night.

But as much as he hoped this fight would end the same way, he wasn’t sure it would.

That’s part of the reason he was here with a bouquet of poppy flowers in one hand and a bottle of Don Julio in the other, ready to pour his heart out to the two people he knew would always be there to listen. He needed them to give him a sign, a message, anything that could tell him he hadn’t lost her forever.

He let out a heavy sigh and pulled his hood over his head, shutting the door to the Bronco gently as he steadied his feet on the ground and made his way in the direction of his parents, weaving through the rows of graves until he found the ones he was looking for.

“Hi, Mom, Pop.” He murmured, sinking slowly to his knees as he placed the flowers at the base of the double headstone, his calloused fingers brushing softly over their names engraved in the stone, “I miss you.”

“I know I haven’t visited in a while,” He starts, fiddling with the grass mindlessly, “I meant to come for your birthday, Dad, but I…I just let time get away from me. I’m sorry,”

A gust of wind blew and it shot a chill through his spine, his body unconsciously shivering at the feeling.

“I need your help,” He confessed, making himself comfortable enough in preparation for what he knew would be a long talk with his parents, “I messed up, and I have no idea how to fix it.”

“It’s Nat. She’s been so good to me, but I think I really screwed it up this time. I know she wants to be there for me through all this shit — sorry, Mom — with Maverick and she has been in ways she doesn’t even know, but I don’t want to put her in the middle of my mess...though I guess I already have.”

He stopped his rambling with a heavy breath and brushed the tears sitting in his eyes away with his knuckle, realizing that talking to his dead parents as if they were really there listening only seemed normal when he had Phoenix right beside him. 

Without her, it felt like he was losing them all over again.

He just wanted her beside him, right now and for the rest of his life, but that seemed like wishful thinking at this point. She needed space from him and he had no choice but to give it to her, no matter how much he wanted to protest. 

Fight for her, Bradley.

Goddammit, that voice sounded a lot like his mother’s, but he was sitting in a graveyard, so that didn’t help at all with the creeps he gets every time he comes around, but the bottle of tequila next to him sure would. He twisted the top off and brought the glass to his lips, tipping it back to take a long drag as he let the burn of it coat his sore throat just right. 

“Shouldn’t you be cleaning your dignity off the floor—”

The voice startled him just as he took another sip and he choked on the amber liquid, spewing it from his mouth as he tried to catch his breath through his coughing fit.

“—by fixing things with your girlfriend right now?”

Hangman, he always knew when to show up at the worst moment.

“I don’t remember that being any of your business,” He got out between coughs, “And what are you even doing here? How did you know I was here?”

“I’m here because my friend almost died today thinking that you don’t care about her.”

“I do care about her—“

“Yeah, because drinking your sorrows away in a cemetery is a good way to show it,” Jake cut him off as the sarcasm laced his tone, sitting down next to Rooster and yanking the bottle out of his hand, “I don’t like when my ego gets bruised because she’s wishing it was you taking her home from the hospital instead of me. You have no fuckin’ clue how lucky you are.”

It was no secret to anyone in Dagger Squad that Hangman had an eye for Natasha Trace, but there would never be a day that he would force her to forget the one she loved and be with him instead. He respected her too much as a woman and a fellow pilot to be anything less than what she needed — a friend.

He just wished that Rooster would see just how incredible she was. Maybe he already did, but it was one thing to see it and another to completely revel in it, knowing she chose him over everyone else.

“She’s my best friend,” Jake spoke softly, taking a sip from the bottle, “I don’t have a lot of friends, but she’s the one who taught me quality over quantity. ‘You don’t need a billion people in your corner’, she told me, ‘just a few good ones to keep you going.’”

Bradley knew this was an olive branch Hangman was holding out for him, and though it wouldn’t repair his relationship with Phoenix, he’d be damned if he didn’t do what he could to prove that he was trying to.

He and Seresin had a rigid and tense dynamic, but they were still part of the same team.

“This is killing her, man.” Hangman told him, “She thinks you don’t want her anymore.”

“I want her for the rest of my life,” Rooster replied with no hesitation or sway in his voice, “I would give all of this up just to be with her.”

Jake passed the bottle back to his fellow pilot and stood up from where he sat, brushing the dirt and grass off his pants, “Then how come you’re sittin’ out here instead of telling her that?”

“Because I haven’t let go of my grief and she deserves better than someone who can’t move on from the past.”

“What happened to you, to your parents, isn’t something you let go of,” Hangman said with certainty, “I lost my sister when I was young, too, and it took me years to see that we needed that hurt to realize how loved we were by them.”

Rooster furrowed his brows at the revelation. He had no idea Hangman had a sister, or that he’d lost one for that matter, but maybe he’d also been a little selfish thinking he was the only one with buried grief.

“You were just a kid when your parents died, and because you never really worked through your grief, you inevitably were the same kid when you met Phoenix. Don't you ever wonder why it happened that way?"

He watched through blurred tears as Hangman sauntered back to his truck and drove away, leaving him to grasp what he hadn’t been able to before. 

It was true what Jake said — he needed to feel the pain of losing them to feel their love.

He missed his mom and dad more than anything, but the ache of missing them was nothing compared to the ache he felt missing Natasha. He needed to know what it felt like to lose her to know how much they needed each other, how much he loved her.

Fight for her, Bradley.

He took a deep breath and stood up, brushing his fingers over the headstone one last time.

“I will, Mom.”

tell me that it's not my fault, tell me that i'm all you want, even when i break your heart

“Another round, darlin’?”

She glanced up at the bartender, her tired eyes moving from him to the empty glass sitting in front of her. She quickly weighed the pros and cons of downing another, ultimately deciding a second, or however many this was, wouldn’t hurt her, giving the guy behind the bar a nod as he filled it up.

Despite having been sitting here for a while, she was surprisingly sober, more sober than she would've liked, but even though she had every desire to drown her sorrows in alcohol, she knew she couldn't. She was upset, not stupid. She wouldn't let herself get plastered tonight, not when she was in an unfamiliar bar across town from her home.

Although, it didn’t feel like her home anymore without him.

Shaking her head, she forced the thought away as she downed the shot, missing the raised brow from the bartender.

"Rough night?" He questioned, filling up the glass without prompting this time, Natasha focusing her attention on the glass of water she'd made sure to order, quickly swallowing the rest of it.

"More like a rough couple of weeks." She muttered bitterly as she picked up the liquor, knocking her head back as she accepted the burning liquid down her throat again, nearly shattering the glass as she slammed it back onto the bar.

"Wanna talk about it?" He questioned, her eyes narrowing despite the sincerity in his tone.

"No thanks, but I'll take another." She spoke roughly, nudging the glass with her knuckles. Merely nodding, the man filled the cup once more, this time turning to leave, walking further down the bar as he left her alone with her alcohol.

But this one she let sit, her eyes zeroed in on the amber liquid, her mind elsewhere as she sat perched on the same barstool she'd been at for the better part of the evening.

She thought he loved her. Though they had yet to say it to each other, she thought that maybe they didn’t need to because they just knew.

Three weeks ago, she'd been sitting at home with the love of her life, but now, that was nothing more than a memory. 

It wasn't as if they'd been perfect. They were far from it. They had their problems; they were both too stubborn for their own good, neither could listen to reason when they had their hearts set on something, neither would ever want to back down first and she knew the last few months had been hard on them, that both of them were struggling. 

She wanted him to let her in, and he wanted to keep everyone at a distance.

After Maverick left her house, she tried to go back to bed and finally get the rest she needed, but it felt useless. She knew trying to fall asleep without him by her side was useless, just as it had been for the past few weeks.

On the nights when she had no choice but to sleep, she couch-surfed between Bob’s apartment and Hangman’s place, and she was thankful there were no questions asked.

All the rest of the days, she laid in her bed wide awake, heavy and tired eyes staring at the ceiling as tears slipped down the sides of her face.

And once her Captain walked out, she was left alone with the silence again.

That's how she found herself in this unfamiliar bar, her gaze focusing back on the glass sitting in front of her. She picked it up and threw the drink back quickly, grimacing as the liquid burned her throat, silently praying for it to numb the pain she was feeling.

She'd never been one to turn to alcohol for relief, but it seemed to work for everyone else, so why not?

A loud cheer jolted her from her thoughts, turning her head to look down the bar and find the source of the sound, she saw a few older men cheering on their buddy as he chugged a beer, Phoenix quickly tuning out the noise around her again as she stifled an eye roll.

Since she showed up at the surprisingly busy pub, she'd effectively ignored the chaos around her, choosing to focus on the alcohol in front of her instead of the people near her. 

She found herself back amid her own thoughts, not hearing the sound of the bar door opening, or the sound of the heavy boots against the wood floor as a new patron came up to the bar, stopping beside her.

It wasn't until she heard a familiar voice did her breath catch in her throat.

"Tasha."

She nearly jumped off the barstool when she saw the unruly curls she used to run her fingers through for hours on end, not knowing how long he’d been standing there.

“What are you doing here?” She murmured just loud enough for him to hear over all the noise, and the hiss on her tongue wasn’t hard to hear either.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Bradley spoke softly, sitting down on the barstool next to her, “There are plenty of bars a lot closer to home.”

“Yeah, well, why don’t you go find one of those and leave me alone? You’re good at that.”

It was a low blow, but she couldn’t stop the words from falling from her lips. She’d expected the next time she saw him would be the moment she waved the white flag and called a truce, but she just couldn’t forget everything that had happened so easily. She had the right to let him know how much hurt he had caused her.

“I’m sorry, Phoe.”

She scoffed at him with an accompanied glare, digging around in the pocket of her sweatpants and tossing a couple of wadded-up twenties on the bar top as she stumbled off her barstool, “Go to hell, Rooster.”

“Tasha, wait—”

Within a second, she was lost in the crowd and out the door, the salty California air mixing with the tears slipping down her flushed cheeks as her wobbling legs carried her through the packed parking lot in wide strides further and further away from him calling after her.

She couldn’t stop for him, she couldn’t look back at him because there was no doubt that she would crumble if she did, and she didn’t look back at him, even when his calloused hand was on her arm and his breath was on her neck.

“Please just let me go.” She whispered through the lump in her throat, a whimper escaping just after her words as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, “Please, Rooster.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” He spoke, his voice sounding as broken as she felt as he turned her around and tugged her into his chest, “I am so sorry I hurt you.”

For a minute, she let herself fall into him and revel in the feeling of having no distance between them, her lungs drawing in the familiar scent of him like secondhand smoke, and for that short-lived minute, she felt relief.

And then she remembered how she felt when she watched him walk away from her.

Sad. She was sad that she was forced to grieve someone still breathing.

Angry. She was angry that he left her in the dark with no explanation.

Frustrated. She was frustrated that he just wouldn’t let her love him.

Confused. She was confused as to how they kept ending up in a vicious cycle of mixed signals and second thoughts.

Exhausted. She was exhausted from all the pretending that they would get to have a forever.

A soft growl fell from her lips as she hurled herself out of his embrace, stumbling back and tripping over her feet as she fell to the ground from the force, those feelings she’d tried so desperately to swallow bubbling to the surface quicker than she anticipated, that sense of relief disappearing just as quickly as it had arrived.

“Don’t touch me!” She thundered, staggering away from him as she slowly got back up, hot tears dripping from her chin and dark clouds hazing over her auburn eyes, “You can’t just chase me down and give me a couple of meaningless apologies like it’s gonna fix everything, okay? It doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t make it better.” 

“They’re not meaningless apologies, Nat. I am sorry for how I ruined things between us. I was stupid and I would go back and change it if I could, but I’m here now. Please don’t push me away,” Bradley spoke as he reached out for her, ignoring the ache in his chest when she turned away from him, “I know ‘sorry’ won’t fix it, but I don’t know how else to say that I want to be with you.”

“What about how you show it?” She cried, the sobs stuck in her throat finally clawing their way out, “I am not pushing you away, Bradley, I am holding on for dear life, but I need you to need me back.”

She took a moment to gather herself, but it didn’t do much good. Her heart was still racing and her tears were still falling, and she was still so in love with him that it was driving her mad.

“Why was it so easy for you to walk away from me? And why didn’t you come to see me when I was in the hospital? And why won’t you ever just let me all the way in?!”

Her words were loud and forceful, and so were her fists as they barreled into his chest, but he stood unwavering and took the brunt of it as she put all her energy into making him feel how he made her feel until every last bit of it was gone. 

She retreated with heavy breaths as she wrapped her arms around herself with one last hit and one last sob, her eyes finally meeting his.

“I just wanted you to love me.”

It was devastating seeing her look so small and sound so broken when he knew she was the strongest woman to ever walk this earth.

It was even more devastating watching her do exactly what he did to her, her chin trembling and her heart shattered as she disappeared from his sight in a hurry, the tires of her Jeep squealing against the pavement leaving him in a cloud of dust before he had the chance to tell her just how much she meant to him.

i need to say it's all me in my head, i'm the one who burned us down,
but it's not what I meant, sorry that I hurt you

It was a little past ten when she turned onto the gravel road, the sole flickering street light illuminating the house she spent her childhood inside of. 

She swore to herself the day she walked out of it, she would never return, but here she was as the tension in her chest crept in along with eighteen years worth of memories learning how to survive the wrath of her father’s drunken hand while pleading silently for someone to save her.

She wasn’t exactly sure why she was here parked behind the rusty Ford pickup collecting dust in the driveway, though. She thought she’d already exorcised her demons in the years of therapy and repaired all the wounds inside and out, but maybe she’d just ignored them and buried them so far down that she convinced herself she was healing.

She took an unsteady breath and pulled the keys from the ignition, shutting off her phone as she got out and dragged her tired body to the front door, willing her eyes to keep their tears at bay as she knocked. It was another few minutes before the porch light flipped on and she was met with an unfamiliar face, a young teenage girl who bore an eerie resemblance to her, dark chocolate eyes and raven hair to compliment the tanned skin and rosy cheeks.

“Can I help you?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat trying to claw its way out and shoved her hands in her pockets, suddenly feeling very small standing on this porch, “I’m looking for Anthony Mendez.”

The girl squinted at her and bit the inside of her lip as she leaned against the door frame, “And you are?”

“Who’s at the door, Sienna?”

She jumped at the voice that yelled through the house, the goosebumps rising on her skin as her breath hitched in her chest. It was the same one that echoed in all of her nightmares from the man who was supposed to love her unconditionally, yet painted her skin black and blue as he tightened his hand around her throat.

God, she couldn’t breathe.

“Thi–this was a mistake,” She rushed out, stumbling back as she turned to flee as quickly as she could, “I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

She was off the porch and halfway to her truck when that voice called out her name in the softest tone, a tone she’d never once heard fall from his lips.

“Natasha?”

Though she begged her feet to keep going, they halted in their tracks and caught the stream of tears that dripped off her chin. She cursed herself for getting emotional, for uncovering the weakness she’d spent her entire life hiding, but it was inevitable.

When you dig up the past, you have to face the skeletons.

“Natasha, is that you?”

She wiped her tears and straightened her shoulders before pivoting slowly on her heels, their identical auburn eyes connecting for the first time in nearly two decades. 

“Sienna, go inside and finish the movie with your mother.”

“Who is she?”

“Now, Sienna.” He spoke in a firmer tone than before, but it was free of venom and malice, “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

The girl huffed with a light stomp of her foot and Natasha waited for a raised hand to meet the teenager’s face, but instead, a soft kiss was pressed into her hair and she realized then that he wasn’t the same person she once knew.

“It’s been a long time.” He said, drawing her out of her distracted state of watching Sienna retreat and close the door behind her, having no choice but to look at the man she’d feared her whole life, “You’ve grown up.”

“Yeah, well, that happened a lot sooner than it should’ve.”

Maybe the malice was meant for her tongue instead.

“Would you like to come inside?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” She barked with no hesitation, backing away slightly when he held out his hand towards her, “I’m assuming she’s your kid?”

He looked back over his shoulder to find his wife peeking through the blinds, sending her a gentle smile to let her know things were alright, or as alright as they could be.

“Sienna, she’s thirteen. I had her and my son, Chase, who’s sixteen, with my wife, Angie.”

It was hard to miss the pride in his words, and she almost did, but it made her stomach churn violently at the sound.

“One big happy family, huh?” She spat, “Do you hit them too, or just tell ‘em every day how worthless they are?”

“No, I—,”

“Maybe you throw beer bottles at their heads because you’re too drunk to speak at all.” She continued with a bitter laugh, “Do you make them stitch up their own cuts with needle and thread after? Or was that reserved just for me?”

“Please, Natasha. It doesn’t need to be like this,” He spoke, earning him a scoff from the pilot, “I haven’t had a drink in seventeen years. When Angie told me she was pregnant with our son, I knew I had to clean up my act.”

“I wasn’t worth changing for, though, was I?” 

She shook her head and ran her fingers through her wind-blown hair as she bit down on her lip harshly to keep her chin from trembling, but she couldn’t stop the hushed sobs from escaping.

It wasn’t fair that those kids got to have the kind father.

It wasn’t fair that they didn’t have to worry about slamming doors, or hiding their bruises under makeup, or hoping that the hand around their throat would just put them out of their misery.

It wasn’t fair that they got to have the life she wanted growing up while she spent every single day living in fear. 

They didn’t have to beg for his love.

“I thought I was over you.” She confessed, “I thought I was done hating you for everything you did to me. All the black eyes, and busted lips, and broken bones I had to explain away, I thought I was finally past it all. But somehow, as much as I tried not to be, I’m still that scared little girl who jumps at the sound of a door slamming.”

“Natasha, I’m sor–”

“You’re not sorry.” She cut him off, shaking her head with a huff, “You’re not sorry for anything you did.”

“You may not believe it, but I am.”

“If you felt any remorse at all, you never would’ve hurt me. It never would’ve happened, but it did. It kept happening, over and over and over again. Every single fucking day, I stayed being your punching bag because I thought that’s what I deserved, because you told me nobody would ever love me, that I was nothing.”

She was struggling to breathe, but she had to keep going. She needed this.

“It’s taken me eighteen fucking years to realize that love doesn’t have to be cruel.” She bit out, shaking her head roughly as she continued, “It doesn't squeeze its hand tighter around your neck because you didn’t have dinner ready fast enough. It doesn’t hurl its fist into your stomach because you were two minutes late getting home from school. It doesn’t whisper in your ear that it’s going to kill you the next chance it gets.” She got out through her tears that had reluctantly returned, “It's not something you have to beg for.”

She turned away from him to find some composure as she wiped away the wetness on her cheeks, and for a moment, she wished Bradley was here with her to keep her steady and save her from this mess she’d gotten herself into, but in the years she’d spent knowing him, he’d reminded her that she didn’t need saving.

She’d crawled out of the darkness on her own once before, and she could damn well do it again.

“You were wrong about me.” She spoke with pride, seeing a flash of something she couldn’t quite read appear in his eyes, “I made something of myself, no thanks to you. I’ve got a good life, a dream job that very few people will ever have, I’ve got friends that keep my head above the water when I feel like I’m drowning.”

A smile found her lips for the first time in a few days as she thought about Dagger Squad and how true her words were. Because of them, the monster she’s feared her whole life didn’t seem so scary anymore.

“I’m finally letting you go,” She choked out as she felt the weight fall off her shoulders, the tension that had been building over the past few weeks leaving her body, “There’s so much more to life than hating you. I’ve wasted too much time already, overthinking and blaming myself for your mistakes. So, I’m gonna go home, find the man I love, and move on with my life, the same way you did with yours.”

She pursed her lips and shoved her hands in her pockets, silently praising herself when she noticed they were lacking the tremble she’d arrived with as she pulled open the door to her Jeep.

“Natasha, wait–,” He called out to her, and for some reason, her body listened, “Please.”

She wanted so badly to ignore him and drive away, but she looked at him, really looked at him, and found the tears sitting in his identical chocolate eyes, seemingly the only resemblance between the father and daughter.

“I wish I would’ve been a good dad to you. You didn’t deserve the way I hurt you and you certainly didn’t deserve the way I spoke to you.” He said, “I don’t have any excuse that will justify my actions, but I hope to god one day you will see my apology for what it is — I am sorry that I didn’t change for you. It shouldn’t have taken me losing you forever to see that I was messed up.”

His confession almost seemed sincere, but the mouth that spoke these words was the same mouth that tried to bury her with hateful words, so she couldn’t find it in her to take it with anything more than a grain of salt.

Still, she let him get it off his chest just as she did.

“I know I don’t have a right to ask for forgiveness, so I won’t, but can I ask you ‘why now’? Why did you come here tonight?”

She tried to hide the shock on her face, but it was evident to both of them that she wasn’t expecting that question.

“I came here because I thought if I begged someone hard enough to want me, it would fix the ache in my heart, but I realize now that there are things we both needed to let go of before we can truly be what each other needs.” She replied, “Love is too big a word to be said lightly.”

“I hope he’s everything you want. I hope he treats you well.”

With a simple nod and a gentle smile, “He treats me like I’m worth something.”

And with that, she got in her truck and drove away, leaving behind her splintered past for good.

Sometimes, closure arrives years later. Long after someone has stopped searching for it. No fanfare or epiphany. Suddenly, they are grateful for the goodbyes that carried them to this moment; to the space they are now holding.

And sometimes, they have to carry on living with no explanation as to why bad things have happened to them. Even when they struggle to understand, and cry out for help, and beg to know why, it doesn't matter. They may never find out, and that is something they have to accept to move on.

She’d never call this closure. She didn’t ask him why he did the things he did, or if his other children knew what he was like before them. She didn’t feel the need to ask. She just wanted her old life to know that she wasn’t hanging onto it anymore.

She wanted her heart to know that it could stop aching now.

i don't wanna do this to you, i don't wanna lose this with you
i need to say it's all me, just don't go

It was nearly two in the morning when he saw her headlights break through the darkness as he sat on the steps of the front porch, waiting (im)patiently for her return. 

He’d stood in the parking lot of the bar for a good half hour after watching her drive away before he willed his feet to move to his truck. He wanted so badly to chase after her, but he’d learned early on that when she silently asks for space, the least he could do was give it to her. 

So, instead, he made his way to the home they’d shared a month ago, to the home he clothed with adoration of her, and sipped a beer in anticipation of her return.

She looked worn out with the purple bags under her eyes and the slumped shoulders, but she looked almost content with her weariness like the weight of the world sitting on her chest had fallen away.

He can’t remember a time that he’d seen her this… free.

“Rooster, hi.”

It kinda stung that she hadn’t called him Bradley, but he didn’t want to push what little luck he had left that was keeping her from running away from him. 

“What are you doing here so late?” She asked, glancing at the time on her watch.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay after leaving the bar.” He told her, giving her a gentle smile with a shrug, “And I couldn’t sleep.”

She chuckled, “I know the feeling.”

Silence found them once again and he wanted so badly to break it, but she looked like she had words sitting at the tip of her tongue and he owed it to her to let her get whatever she needed off her chest.

“I’m sorry, Bradley.”

That wasn’t at all what he was expecting her to say, though.

He furrowed his brows and watched her take the few strides to close the distance between them, her hands reaching for his as she sat down on the stairs next to him, the confusion evident on his face.

“I’m sorry that I tried to push you to a place you weren’t yet ready for.” She admitted, brushing her thumb over the slight stubble on his chin as tears welled in her eyes, “I should’ve seen that you were struggling with Maverick, but I was selfish and gave you an ultimatum instead of trying to understand.”

“But Tash, I—”

“Wait, please,” She spoke softly, halting his words, “I need to say this before I run out of courage. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to watch you walk away from me because it did, but I know now that you just needed time to process things before sharing them with me. I wish I could go back to that day and be what you needed.”

“Phoe, you were what I needed. You are what I need. You’re all that I need. I was just too stubborn and blind to see what I had.”

His voice was shaky and his eyes were wet as he tried to blink away his tears, and if he were talking to anyone else, he’d curse himself for getting emotional, but he needed her to know that she was the only person who ever validated his feelings, no matter how much he tried to bury them.

But by the look on her face and the harsh sob that shook her entire body, he knew then that he was too late. He took too long to let her in.

“I think we need more time apart.”

And there it was, the knife in his chest, ripping him in two.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to get on his knees and beg her to take him back, he wanted to ignore the voice in his head telling him to let her go.

“I went to see my father tonight who told me when I was very young that I would never be good enough to find someone like you.”

Much like he did, she kept her past private from most people. He knew very little about where she came from at all, but catching her jumping out of her skin at the sound of a car backfiring, and seeing the way she flinched every time someone raised their voice or got too close to her, it didn’t take him long to put two and two together.

“That’s not true, what he said.” He choked out, squeezing her hand as he laid his head on top of hers that rested on his shoulder, “I wish I would’ve known you then. I could’ve—I would’ve gotten you out of there. I would’ve stopped him from hurting you.”

She sat up straight and held his face in her hands, catching the tears on his rosy cheeks with her thumbs, “You did, Bradley. You did stop him. Every time I have a bad day and you can see it on my face and you can just tell whether I need to be hugged or left alone. It’s when you don’t judge me when I’m breaking down. It’s when you love being the cook in our house, but you let me have a turn every once in a while even if I burn just about everything—”

“You don’t always burn the cookies.” He joked, but his eyes held so much warmth, which only strengthened at the laugh that fell from her mouth.

“And it’s just like that, when I mess up, you always find the tiniest bit of good in what I’ve done.” She told him, “It’s the flowers on a random Wednesday, and the late-night flights because I need to get my mind off of something. It’s the way you touch my scars after we have sex and your touch makes it feel as if they were never there. You stopped all the pain just by being my best friend.”

She sucked in a harsh breath as the words rolled off her tongue and she pulled his knuckles up to her lips, pressing a soft kiss into his skin, and he instantly knew what was coming.

He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her.

“This isn’t a goodbye,” She said, and he wondered how she did that, how she was always able to know what he was thinking, “I’ve spent the last ten years of my life learning who Bradley Bradshaw is and I will never have a greater honor than that. Even if it took us eight of those years to finally give in to what everyone else already knew, that there was always something more between us than just being friends, I needed those eight years to make sure that we weren’t going into this for the wrong reasons.”

Their eyes focused on each other for a moment, and he lifted his hand to cradle her cheek which she leaned into, the conflicting emotions within her making it hard for her to compose herself as her bottom lip began to quiver up and down. 

“I’m not ready to say goodbye to you, Bradley,” She quietly sobbed, “But I think we’ve been stuck in a case of ‘right person, wrong time’ for a while. There are things we haven’t dealt with separately that have been hanging over our relationship and I don’t want to spend our forever stressing about when it’s gonna drown us.”

She barely got the words out before a cry left her lips, the brave face she’d been holding onto for so long finally breaking as he instantly pulled her into his arms, knowing the best thing he could do for both of them right now was hold her. So, that’s exactly what he did, Rooster hugging her body to his as her soft, quiet cries continued. 

It was hard enough for him to listen to her cry knowing he was partly responsible for her emotions bubbling past their surface, but it was even harder to contain his own as he wanted nothing more than to turn back time to the moment he fucked up the best thing he had.

“I love you.”

He felt her breath catch in her throat at the three words she’d been waiting to hear for the last decade. 

“This isn’t me trying to change your mind and convince you to stay just because I’m terrified of being without you. This is me telling you that I love you now, I will love you tomorrow, and I will love you for the rest of my life,” He murmured while cradling her body to his chest, Natasha’s arms wrapped tightly around him as she was desperate for as much comfort as he could give her, knowing he needed just as much, “I have no idea what our futures will look like or where we’ll be, but I know damn well I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure that you’re in mine. You will always be the one that I want and the one that I’ll love ‘til the day I die. I’m just sorry it took me so long to tell you.”

He had no idea how much time had passed by the time her salty tears stopped dripping on his skin, her face nuzzled in the crook of his neck as her fingers gripped tightly to the fabric of his shirt, but eventually, she pulled away and wiped her cheeks dry.

“Do you regret it?” She asked after a few moments, brushing his cheeks dry, too.

His brows furrowed, “Regret what?”

“Us.” She said, heat flooding her cheeks when he grew quiet again, and she opened her mouth to tell him to forget she asked, but finally he spoke, “I don’t regret you. I will never regret you. Just because we didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean you aren’t the best thing that ever happened to me, because you are.”

“Yeah,” She replied with glistening eyes, “You, too.”

meet me in the afterglow

A soft buzz in his pocket drew his eyes away from the beads of water dripping down the side of his beer as he sat on one of the many barstools scattered around the pool table, the cutthroat competitiveness between the members of Dagger Squad in full force tonight.

It had been a long day of dogfighting for them as they prepared for their next mission coming up in a couple of days and they decided the best way to let off steam was a night at the Hard Deck. It was apparent that everyone else in San Diego did, too.

A bar packed wall to wall with sailors and aviators was not at all where he wanted to be tonight, but Bob had convinced (begged) him to come and because he’d grown quite fond of the WSO, he reluctantly agreed. He thought he was doing well masquerading his misery, but he had a feeling that Bob was catching on to him. 

He was quickly brought out of his brooding when he saw the picture ID of who was calling him and it took him back to one of the best nights of his life, her nose scrunched up in laughter and a stupid grin on his face as they sat cheek to cheek clad in The Band CAMINO concert tees. 

“You sound like you’re sulking.”

Her greeting drew a chuckle out of him. She always knew.

“Yeah, well, Bagman is scamming me out of all my money—”

“It’s not scamming, Bradshaw,” Jake retorted snarkily, abruptly cutting into their conversation, “It’s called skill and you don’t have any.”

“Bite me, dickhead.” He bit back, flipping him off before making his way towards the exit to get out of all the noise, “Sorry. Bagman’s on something tonight.”

“What else is new?” She joked with a scoff.

“I miss you, but that’s not new.”

Ten months, that’s how long he’d been missing her.

When she asked him for more time apart, he hadn’t expected so much distance to be put between them, but per the request of an Admiral impressed with her distinguished skill, she’d been whisked away for a month-long mission two days later.

He felt conflicted when he learned about the abrupt deployment because he wanted so badly to use whatever power he had to make her stay, but he was also flooded with pride to know someone else other than him saw how incredibly talented she was and it wouldn’t have been fair to her or her career to keep her from going.

She wasn’t his to keep anyway.

Just as he knew she would, word had quickly spread amongst their fellow pilots that she’d succeeded the higher-ups’ expectations with flying colors (no pun intended) and a month turned into two, two months turned into six, and six months turned into ten — 311 days to be exact, but who was counting?

He wasn’t the only one in the Dagger Squad feeling the absence, though. Everyone missed the heart of their team — Hangman hadn’t gone a single day without FaceTiming her (when she found time to get to a phone) which eventually turned into group video calls that lasted hours on end until she had to tap out for the night. They missed her, plain and simple.

“I miss you too, B.” She spoke softly and he could hear the thickness in her throat accompanied by a muffled voice in the background, knowing their call was about to come to an end, “I have to go, but I’ll call you back when I can.”

“Be safe out there, Bird.” He bid her goodbye, reluctantly tapping the red button and letting his phone fall onto the bartop with a sigh.

“Phoenix doing alright, buddy?”

Maverick’s voice chimed in as he dropped down onto the barstool next to the youngest Bradshaw, his godfather patting his back in sympathy.

“Yeah, yeah she’s good,” He told him, tapping the necks of their bottles together, “She’s been training all day, so she hasn’t had a lot of time to talk, but she sounded okay.”

“Does she know when she’ll get to come home?”

“I’m not sure she wants to.” He admitted and it tasted like vinegar on his tongue.

He felt guilty. She sounded so happy telling him all about her missions and training with her teammates, and any other time he’d be thrilled to hear it, but the more she talked about them, the more he noticed the thrill in her voice he hadn’t heard before.

“She sounds happier out there.” He sighed, and downed a long sip of his beer, “And she looks happier, too. I can see it on her face when we video chat. She looks…better.”

“And that’s a bad thing because…” Maverick trailed off, sensing there was more to it than his godson was letting on.

“I just wish she was happy here, too.”

He couldn’t quite understand what was so different about this deployment for her. She was always better with change than he was, but this was huge, even for her. 

“I don’t think it’s necessarily that she was unhappy, Bradley. I think it’s more that she wanted to see how far she could push herself outside of her comfort zone. In this case, that’s all of you.” Maverick said, sliding off the stool to go what a Rooster assumed was to find Penny who was trapped in a sea full of thirsty soldiers, “Dagger Squad can’t stay together forever.”

He sat in silence for a while, his Captain’s words playing in his head like a broken record as he looked around at all of his friends. Before the Uranium mission, they were merely acquaintances with a little healthy competition, but now they were his family and it pained him to know an immeasurable amount of distance would soon be put between them as they ventured off to go as far as their skill could take them. Though he hated it, he’d adapted to change in the past, but this, this change wouldn’t be as easy. 

Maybe it was easier before because the constant he’d always had through it all was Natasha, but he had that feeling in the pit of his stomach that he’d be going alone this time.

“Hey, chicken shit. You’re up next,” Hangman spoke rather loudly, and it was obvious he was quite a few drinks over his self-proclaimed limit, “I need some new rims for my new truck and your wallet is calling my name.”

“Yeah, no thanks.” He shook his head, downing the last sip of his beer.

“C’mon, Rooster! Just one more game!”

“Can it, Bagman,” He barked, tossing his pool cue over to Coyote, who didn’t at all look like he had the desire to take his place and lose every penny in his wallet, “It’s been a long day and I’m tired, so for the love of god, just shut up and let me drink my beer in peace.”

He would’ve been gone an hour ago, but for some reason, he couldn’t seem to find his ride home. Bob had dragged him here nearly kicking and screaming, and then the dude had the damn nerve to ditch him without a word, leaving him to listen to Hangman boost his ego with a few too many beers and an endless supply of soldiers to beat at pool.

“Play one more game and I’ll drive you home myself.” Jake offered, flashing his cocky bright smile, “Scout’s honor.”

“You must be out of your fuckin’ mind if you think I’m getting in a car with your drunk ass.”

“I’m not drunk, I’m only slightly buzzed. Big difference.”

He sighed and pulled his wallet from his pocket, “As much fun this has been, truly riveting, I’m going to pay the tab and go home now. If you guys need something, please call literally anyone else.”

His body was so exhausted, he couldn’t wait to bury himself in his bed for the next three days.

“Thanks for the drinks, Aunt P,” He softly smiled, throwing a couple of wadded-up twenties into the tip jar as he sauntered over to the bar and leaned over it into her embrace.

“You got it, kiddo. See you tomorrow at the barbecue?”

“Amelia said I have to be there or else she’ll slash all my tires,” He pursed his lips, “I have a feeling we’re all gonna end up on an episode of Dateline before she’s eighteen.”

“Ah, yes. My child can be very persuasive when she wants to be.” Penny laughed, throwing a towel over her shoulder as she poured another round of drinks for the people at the opposite ends of the bar, “I’m also supposed to tell you that dogfight football is at eleven and Mav starts cooking at twelve.”

“Should I bring anything?”

“Just your handsome self.” She patted his cheek, waving goodbye as he sauntered off toward his teammates.

“See you guys in the morning.” He saluted them before making his way through the crowd and out the door, letting the salty California air clothe his lungs with comfort as he greeted the cab driver, “North Island, please.”

Her dark eyes scanned the crowded airport as she pushed through the impatient people in search of their bags and loved ones, bracing her shoulders for a beating only the citizens of San Diego knew how to provide.

She’d nearly missed her plane altogether, thanks to the stupidly new rookie pilot, who had been shoved up under her wing simply because his father was an Admiral and said father didn’t want to look exactly like what he was if he’d chosen a male mentor for his nepotism baby — a sexist pig. The youngest asshole decided it would be wise to question a superior officer’s orders and earned their entire squadron another two hours of dogfighting and an ear-busting lecture on respect. She didn’t know what god to thank that it was her last day with him up her ass, but she’d praise them all damn day if she had to.

“Phoenix!”

In an instant, a wide grin was on her face and solace coursed through her veins when she finally spotted the familiar face calling out her name in the crowd, the wire glasses and dimpled cheeks of her partner greeting her with outstretched arms.

“Bob, oh my god.” She choked out as she let her bag fall at her feet just as their chests collided, the pilots burying their noses in each other’s shoulders and breathing in all the lost time, “You have no idea how happy I am to see you.”

“But I do, Phoe.” He concurred, rubbing her back before they eventually pulled away, Natasha wiping the tears sitting in her eyes before they could fall down her cheeks, “It’s been rough putting up with Bagman all by myself.”

“Funny, he told me the same thing about you,” She joked, chuckling when her WSO sent her a playful glare as he slung her duffle on his arm. 

It was clear to everyone and herself that she earned the ‘mom’ title of Dagger Squad and though she was pretty good about keeping them in line, it didn’t seem fair that she couldn’t at least have a little fun — instigating the friendly feud between Bob and Hangman every once in awhile seemed to satisfy that need.

“Okay, as much as I want to hear all about arch nemesis that you replaced me with—”

“Trust me, you’ll always be my first choice over that prick,” She cut in, trailing along behind him as they quickly made their way out to where Bob had parked his truck.

“—We have to hurry if we want to make it in time.”

It wasn’t until his tires were squealing against the pavement as he floored it out of the pick-up zone towards the highway that the uneasiness returned to her gut just as it had the second she boarded the plane home. 

The only person she told that she was coming home was her WSO. If only one person knew, only one would be hurt if she ended up changing her mind about returning at all. She’d gotten the all-clear from the Admiral once the mission had been completed, but she hadn’t yet decided if she was willing to face the unwelcoming she was bound to receive from the man she loved.

Still, she booked the plane ticket anyway and asked Bob if he could be there to pick her up. Of course he said ‘I thought you’d never ask’ to which she said ‘I’m glad you’re my partner’.

“As far as I know, no one has any idea that you’re here.” He broke the silence, answering the silent question she had written on her face, “I’m assuming you haven’t told him your mission has been over for a week already.”

She pursed her lips and turned to look at the window with a curt shake of her head, the San Diego sun now gone and replaced with a sky full of bright stars that illuminated the dread buried deep in her features, “Nope. I wasn’t sure when I was coming home or if I was coming home.”

“…Would you have stayed longer if they gave you another offer for a mission?”

She couldn’t find an answer to his question, so she let the silence speak for itself. Yes, she missed home. Yes, she missed her friends. Yes, she missed Bradley, more than anything. But missing him was far better than gambling on two broken hearts without a guarantee that their love would be enough this time around.

She furrowed her brows as she thought about Rooster and looked to Bob once again, “How did you get out of the Hard Deck without him noticing? He always notices when one of us is gone.”

And he simply shrugged, “What can I say? I’m a stealth pilot.”

“Mav, I’m fine. I only had one drink.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, B.”

He sighed, running his hand through his tousled hair a couple times as he pulled the keys from the ignition of his Bronco, grabbing his flight helmet from the dash and his duffle bag from the backseat, “I know what you meant, but I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now.”

“You need to tell her how you feel, Rooster. If you want her to come home, you need to tell her to come home.”

“I’m not gonna do that. I can’t stand in the way of her career. I won’t.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be at her side when she accomplishes all her dreams?”

“Of course I would,” He replied with no hesitation, the sharpness in his tone resting on the tip of his tongue, “But this isn’t about me. I’ve been selfish before and I lost her because of it, so forgive me if I’ve learned from my mistakes since then and refuse to lose what I have left of her.”

He fumbled his way through the darkness and into the hangar he’d found himself in many times over the last ten months, the smell of jet fuel painting the walls in an oddly soothing way.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that, bud. I just meant—…What I meant was that you both are better together and I know without a doubt it would kill you to live your life wondering about what could’ve been.”

It was tumultuous in the beginning between him and Maverick once Natasha was gone, more than it ever had been. The youngest Bradshaw blamed him for not pulling enough of his strings to keep her from leaving, and it quickly turned into a screaming match for all of the North Island to hear as deep jabs and careless insults hurled from both their mouths, screams about cowardice, and betrayal, and the bloodshed that made Rooster an orphan. 

It was exhausting for him. It took all of his energy to hate the man that had a significant part in raising him, but it also made him see what was right in front of him — now that Phoenix was gone, possibly for good, Maverick was all he had left in the world. 

He was the only one left that could keep his parents’ memory alive.

So, he stopped hating Mav and let the weight of the resentment fall off his shoulders, and in turn, Maverick became the silver lining over the last few months, especially on the days when missing his girl got a little too heavy. They’d grown closer than they’d ever been before, Penny and Amelia, too.

He’ll never be able to make up for all of the years lost or the horrendous things he’s said, but he didn’t want to waste a chance at being a part of a family.

“I know, Mav,” He spoke in a softer tone, setting his bag down at his feet to free up his other hand as he flipped on a few of the overhead lights, “I get it. But can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

“Dogfight football. Eleven a.m. Be there or get your ass kicked by Amelia.”

He chuckled and bid goodnight, tossing his phone into his duffle. He needed to be left alone and keeping his phone on him was no way to do that considering Hangman butt-dialed for a good thirty minutes that last time he was here.

At a record speed, he was out of his clothes and into his flight suit, his helmet tucked under his arm as he geared up for a late-night flight, something he’d discovered silenced the noise in his head.

“Feelin’ a little lost, B?”

His breath hitched and his body went numb at the sound of her voice behind him, his helmet slipping out of his arm and crashing to the ground with a jarring crack. 

He slowly turned on his heels to face her and blinked a few times, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. It has many times before in his dreams or out in a crowded place, flashes of onyx hair catching his attention only to find it wasn’t her.

But it wasn’t a cruel joke at all.

There she stood in front of him, dark raven tresses and rich chocolate eyes complimenting her tan skin that looked as soft as he remembered it to feel.

She watched as his stare traced every outline of the figure he hasn’t seen in person in nearly a year, fighting the urge to cross her arms over her chest as she found herself becoming self-conscious under his gaze. Normally his eyes on her wouldn’t illicit that type of reaction, but she couldn’t help it. 

They weren’t them anymore, and his silence only furthered the anxiety rising within her because his reaction wasn’t at all what she expected. She’d considered a slamming-door reaction, she thought at the very least he’d be angry with her for leaving so abruptly despite the many problems between them they had yet to deal with. But in all the scenarios she imagined in her head, complete and utter silence wasn't one of them.

She realized, though, that she had no right to expect anything from him. She was the one to decide that they needed space, she was the one to accept the offer for a mission thousands of miles from the home they once shared, she was the one who gave up.

“I know I should’ve said something when we were on the phone earlier, but I…I wasn’t sure if you…if you would want to see me,” She broke the silence, her shaking voice snapping Rooster back to reality as she took a couple of steps towards, closing nearly all of the distance between them, “I just needed to see you.”

She was shocked to feel his hand reach out to touch her, his calloused fingers brushing over her skin so delicately that it sent a shiver down her spine. It seemed as if he was almost afraid to touch her, like if he grabbed onto her, she would disappear.

She watched him take a step forward, leaving their chests mere inches apart, and though he had yet to say anything, she’d known him long enough to know he was trying to figure out what to say, so she stayed quiet and let him work through it.

His eyes trailed over her body again, almost like he couldn't believe she was standing in front of him. She felt him gently grab her hands which were clenched tightly at her sides, in a way that told her that he was trying harder than ever to keep her here as more than just a figure of his imagination.

She saw the tears that had welled in his eyes, and in that moment all she wanted to do was comfort him, but the last thing she wanted to do was spook him, so she stayed as still as she could and let him lead the way.

Barely a second passed before he had her wrapped in his arms without another thought, a wobbling sigh of contentment blowing through her hair that fell around her shoulders as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

She felt apprehension, his arms ghosting around her figure as if he held her tightly, it wouldn’t be real, but she held onto him tighter, letting a hand grip as much of the fabric on his flight suit as she could grasp and the other finding the curls on the nape of his neck, and she deeply breathed in the scent that was entirely her Bradley.

Another few moments had passed when he finally assured himself she wasn’t going anywhere, he strengthened his grip and held her tight to him, his lips pressing a kiss into the soft skin of her neck.

But as he stood there holding her to him, he couldn't help but think how part of this still didn't feel real. It felt like this was all some dream, and in a second he'd wake up to discover her gone. That she wasn't really standing here with him right now. But then he'd feel her chest move against his as she breathed. He'd feel her arms tighten around his back. He'd feel the dimples on her back through her t-shirt. And he knew this was real. She was here, she was safe. And he had no intention of letting her out of his reach ever again.

Their hands were intertwined as they walked along the tarmac they’d found themselves on many times before in their decade-long love affair, but the silence had yet to be broken.

Neither of them were sure what to say to each other or more so, the right words to say. They’d spent nearly a year apart and most would think they would have plenty to talk about, but with the way they left things, talking about the time in between then and now seemed to be a subject too rough to touch.

But there was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to tell him about — the mission, the idiotic ensigns like the ones they used to laugh for hours about, the obvious rank parade put on by the higher-ups to show dominance that no one on her team believed one bit.

She wanted to tell him about how he was her first thought at every sunrise and her last thought at every sunset, and that she had yet to spend a day where he didn’t completely consume every part of her mind.

She wanted to tell him that she regrets ever leaving him in the first place, but it felt so wrong to say it because she knew that they needed the space and time apart. She couldn’t risk messing this up, she couldn’t lose him again. So, she kept quiet and continued on their path next to him, focusing on the warmth of his hand in hers.

She’s letting him take the lead and praying to god that he takes her with him.

“You’re thinking too hard.” He mumbled, breaking the silence, “You’ve got that look.”

“I have a look?” She lifted a brow playfully with a smirk tugging at her lips, “And here I thought I had a good poker face.”

“Can’t fool me,” He shrugged, “It’s a pretty look though. You get a little dimple when you bite the inside of your cheek and your nose kinda scrunches up. You can see the tiny green specks in your eyes too, but only when it’s sunny outside because you stare at the sky.”

“Always knew how to sweet talk, huh?” She joked, but only to rid the tightness in her chest.

“I miss you.”

The words he’d spoken were filled with so much emotion. She heard the worry, the desperation, the relief consuming them, and it wasn’t lost on her that he said them in the present tense.

She missed him, too. More than anything.

“I know, Roo.”

Fight for her, Bradley.

He stopped abruptly and turned to face her, fresh tears swimming against the brims of his eyes, “I don’t want to be without you anymore, Natasha. I can’t be without you anymore. It hurts all the time, everything hurts.” He choked out, “It’s physically painful not having you by my side and if we say goodbye again, it will kill me.”

She held her hand over her mouth in a desperate attempt to cover up a sob as she looked away from him, but there was no point in hiding anything from him. He was giving her everything she’d ever asked of him.

He was finally letting her in.

“I know I was stupid with you,” He continued through the lump in his throat, “I was careless with you even though you were careful with me. I shouldn’t have walked away from you, and I should’ve come to see you in the hospital, and I should’ve told you I loved you from the very beginning because I do. I do love you, and even though it scares the crap out of me to feel the way I do about you, I know I’ll never find anyone else who makes me feel this way.”

Her lips swallowed up his words as she wrapped her arms around him, and as if the universe knew that it owed them an apology, the sky thundered and the clouds began to pour, soaking them to the bone.

In that kiss was the sweetness of passion, a million thoughts condensed into a single moment.

It wasn’t until they needed to breathe that they pulled away, though they kept their chests connected as if they were talking through the beats of their hearts, and he smiled for the first time in ten months.

“So, this is how I find out you’re stateside?”

She throws her head back and laughs through her tears, letting the droplets wash them away along with the unseen pain, the doubt, the fear, as he grins, and as the rain came down, she spoke once more, her dark eyes brighter than he’d ever seen them.

“Just thought I’d surprise you.”

afterglow. noun. a glow remaining where a light has disappeared.

fin.

for reference, here is the picture on Rooster's lock screen: Rooster and Phoenix at The Band CAMINO