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Evan blinks awake, startled by the knock on his door. He’s confused for a second, fully aware that it’s in the middle of the night and the only person who would knock at his door at this time would be…Barty! Evan feels more awake at once, shaking his head as to clear his mind from any remaining dreams. Tossing the covers to the side, he navigates towards the door, careful not to walk into anything in the dark.
Like expected, he’s met with a tired looking Barty outside his dorm.
“Potter is at it again” he says in greeting, bringing his hand up to cover a yawn.
“That bad, huh?” It wasn’t the first time that Barty had left the dorm like this. He couldn’t sleep if people were crying, and recently there had been a lot of crying going on in his and Regulus’ shared dorm. Of course, neither Reg or Potter actually kicked him out. It was more of a he-let-himself-out type of situation. Evan understood this.
Evan won’t say that he minds, because he really doesn’t. Why would anyone mind Barty next to them in bed?
“Apparently so. Personally I think it’s quidditch stress getting to him”
“That’s observant of you” Evan steps to the side, letting Barty into the dorm.
“I try. Sometimes.” Barty chuckles lowly, making a beeline for the bed. “I’m so tired. Can Potter just go to therapy so I can sleep in peace?” he grumbles, getting comfortable under the covers. The heat from Evan’s body is still present, wrapping around him like a hug.
“Try telling him that. Or better, Reg” Evan replies, following Barty’s lead.
“Enough of Potter or else I’ll get nightmares” Evan knows he’s mostly joking. If anyone wants Potter and Reg together it’s the two of them.
“Enough of Potter” he agrees, letting Barty wrap his arm around his waist and pull him close. This was normal for them.
This was good.
So why does it also hurt?
Evan remembers the day that his reality changed. For most people, it had just been a boring Wednesday after potions class. For Evan, it was the start of an inner journey, one that he wasn’t entirely sure he would get to the end of. It was a sticker on the bathroom door stall. He knew what a sticker was, he had a few himself but this one was different. This one had colors like a flag but it wasn’t like any he had seen before. He observed it more closely, reading the words under it. It was a definition of someone who was asexual.
The word echoes in his mind. Why does it resonate with him? What does this mean?
Confused, he leaves the bathroom and the sticker behind. But he can’t bury the thought like he does most things, no.
Barty asks what’s up with him but he doesn’t know what to reply.
Evan lasts one week. The word kept playing in his mind on repeat and he knew he had to do something about it before he would sink. He felt utterly alone in his mind, not sure who to turn to with his questions. After one week, he decides to confide in Pandora. She felt like a person who could know more.
Pandora was understanding, of course. She told him what she knew about it and Evan feels a bit lighter to have it off his chest. He lets the new information sink in, letting it bloom in his chest.
Bloom until he feels okay with what it means.
The music is blasting, the slytherin common room filled with people. Evan takes a sip of his drink, eyes searching for Barty in the crowd. He’s easy to find, as if he’s north and Evan is a compass.
Barty is looking great and Evan lets himself appreciate him. The way he moves to the beat. He’s also got a drink in hand, but somehow manages to dance and not to spill at the same time.
Barty is fully in his own bubble, dancing like there’s no tomorrow. Evan doesn’t recognize the song, but he likes the way it makes Barty move. How there’s an actual smile playing on his lips, eyes closed as if he’s one with the music.
Evan inhales sharply.
Feels a new realization sink in.
Fuck.
FUCK.
He likes Barty.
Romantically.
As in he would like to kiss him.
As in, that's his best friend.
He chugs the rest of his drink.
If Evan thought his new found sexualiy was heavy to carry it was nothing compared to this.
It had been two weeks since that party. Two weeks since Evan came to the realization that he had a crush on his best friend. The same best friend who had a high sex drive. The same best friend who was known for sleeping around. Now, Evan knows that he shouldn’t make assumptions about people and their boundaries without communicating with them. But it’s difficult not to feel like they would be incompatible. That he wouldn’t be enough for Barty.
Barty falls asleep with his arm wrapped around Evan’s middle and his face buried in his neck. Evan remains awake for a bit longer, too aware of Barty’s breath on his bare skin. Every exhale reminds him just how close they are. Yet, how they could not be further apart.
“She’s pretty cute. If you look past the fact that it’s Potter’s cat” Barty says, eyeing Soot. They’re heading down the corridor for the next class and Regulus is carrying Soot in his arms. She looks content, happy to be carried.
Regulus rolls his eyes. “What do you have against James?”
“Oh, so it’s James now, huh?” Barty smirks, seeing yet another opportunity to tease.
“Shut up, Barty.”
“I don’t have anything against him. It’s just the fact that I’d like to sleep in my own bed, without hearing his cries.”
“So it has nothing to do with Evan?” Regulus wonders. Barty looks confused.
“What about him?”
“I figured maybe he got tired of you barging in every now and then”
“No, Evan loves me. Plus he hasn’t said anything about it.”
“I wonder why not” Regulus mumbles under his breath, too low for Barty to catch.
Having a crush on Barty wasn’t all that different from being his best friend. They still slept close. Barty still wrapped his arms around him. They still woke up tangled together.
But Evan was different. He could feel it, with every breath he took. Every heartbeat. He was still Evan , but somehow even more so than before. Like he had been missing a puzzle piece without even knowing it. And it made sense, once he thought about it more. How he didn’t feel the same things that his peers did. How he sometimes felt left out in conversations without truly understanding why. Like there was an inside joke and he was constantly on the outside. Evan had found something that he didn’t even know was missing. And now he understood. Now it made sense. Now he somehow felt more complete, yet still not okay.
Still not completely okay.
But hanging in there.
Barty has once again fallen asleep before Evan. Evan watches his chest rise with each breath, the rhythm comforting in the dim light. He thinks that if this is the closest he’ll ever get to loving Barty, then that’s okay with him. If this is the closest they’ll ever be, then that’s okay with him. If Evan has to hold this secret protected within his heart, then so be it. As long as he can love Barty like this. Then he’ll be okay.
Evan moves closer in the dark, resting his head on Barty’s chest. He lets the steady rhythm of his best friend’s heart lull him to sleep.
Evan finds himself at yet another slytherin party. He wouldn’t say that he doesn’t like parties, sometimes they just get a bit much. He holds the almost empty cup in his hands, swaying a bit to the music. He spots both Regulus and James among the crowd, the two of them suspiciously close. Good for them.
He scans the rest of the room, inhaling sharply once he finds the person he’s looking for.
Evan doesn’t know how Barty can make a simple outfit look that good. How he manages to take up that much space in a room, in the way that makes people turn around and watch. But that’s Barty for you. Right now, he’s got his arms around some guy. Judging by the tie, it’s a ravenclaw. Evan wouldn’t say that Barty has a type, but he wasn’t aware that ravenclaws were on his list.
Evan watches the pair dancing, his heart feeling heavy in his chest. The logical side of his brain reminds him that he said he was okay with loving Barty as a best friend. The other side of his brain wants him to run away and throw up in the bathroom. When the ravenclaw leans in for a kiss, Evan kicks all logic out the door and turns away. Does he feel a bit selfish? Yes. He doesn’t have a claim on Barty. Barty doesn’t even know about his feelings. He’s not doing anything wrong, yet Evan feels like he was just stabbed. He needs another drink. Or multiple.
Evan doesn’t end up drinking any more. Instead he goes back to the dorm and crawls under the covers, letting himself feel sad.
If he cries just a little bit, no one has to know.
“I think the two of them should just confess. I tried telling Reg that but he wouldn’t listen.” Barty whispers to Evan during one of their morning potions classes.
“They’re both stubborn.” Evan replies, seemingly not fully there. Barty gives him a questioning look.
“You good?”
“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well” he lies. It’s not fully a lie, he did have some kind of nightmare. Just not one that had that big of an actual impact on him.
Barty hums. “I’ll come over tonight”
Evan gives him a look. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I do. Plus, I’m 99 percent certain Potter is going to be there again.”
Evan nods. He already made up his mind about the crush situation, so why does he still feel like this? He has to be able to love Barty from afar. Has to.
They don’t talk when Barty comes over, they just lie close. Evan lets Barty hold him and pretends for a moment that everything is okay.
Trying not to love someone is much harder than it looks. Evan thought that he would be able to bury his feelings, but apparently that’s easier said than done. Every interaction with Barty is a constant reminder of his inner turmoil and Evan is on the verge of losing it. He might just go insane.
If that wasn’t enough, Barty has also noticed the change in his behavior.
“Evan!” Barty calls after him as he runs up to him. They’re both outside even though they shouldn’t be at this hour. The stars are already visible in the sky, glistening like tiny diamonds. Evan halts, turning around when he feels Barty’s hand around his arm.
“What?” he asks, sounding much more annoyed than intended.
“What do you mean what?” Barty remarks. “Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
“Because nothing is wrong, Barty” Evan says dismissively, pulling away.
“Oh, so nothing is wrong. Okay sure, then explain why you’re outside even though it’s fucking freezing. When both of us know you only go on late walks when something is wrong.” Barty has his arms crossed, staring at his best friend.
“Maybe people change” Evan rolls his eyes, turning away to leave.
“Not us!” Barty yells. “We don’t”
“What do you know about change?” Evan yells back, every single emotion he’s kept locked inside blending together in one big mess.
“I’ve changed, Barty! I’ve changed and we’re not the same! We never were and we never will be!
Barty looks taken aback. “What the fuck are you talking about?!”
Evan shakes his head, pressing his lips into a thin line.
“What the FUCK are you talking about?!” Barty comes closer, his hands gripping Evan’s shoulders.
“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU”
The hands on his shoulders are gone in an instant, the other blinking at him. Evan feels the anger evaporating from his skin, like it was never even there in the first place. He just feels tired. Tired of lying and keeping secrets. Tired of thinking he could love Barty from afar.
“There. I said it.” Barty is still staring at him.
“Evan-”
“No, I don’t want to hear it” he closes his eyes, not wanting to see. Just wanting to be back in his bed.
“Evan-” he feels Barty grabbing hold of his arms.
“Let me go, Barty!”
“EVAN!”
The blonde is startled, his eyes wide open. He stares at Barty. He doesn’t look mad. He looks…Evan can’t place the feeling. He keeps eye contact with him as Barty takes a step closer. Evan wonders if he should step back, but then the hands on his arms are no longer there. They’re cupping his face instead.
“Barty-”
“I’m in love with you too”
Evan just stares. Wants to cry. He should be happy, but the words don't comfort him. If anything it makes him more afraid. That it still won’t be enough.
“You can’t” Evan mumbles, feeling his lip quiver under Barty’s intense eye.
“Why?” Barty doesn’t understand, trying to find the answers in his best friend’s eyes. But they’re filled with tears.
“Because I’m…because we’re too different. We don’t want the same things.”
“I want you.”
“I’m asexual.” He said it. The thing that he had been carrying for months was out there in the open.
“Okay” Barty says, not breaking eye contact. Evan feels a tear slip down his cheek.
“I don’t want to be intimate in that way. With anyone.”
“Okay” Barty repeats, gently wiping the tear from Evan’s face.
“Okay?” Evan frowns, confused and oh so tired.
“Evan. You’re my best friend. I’m in love with you. I don’t care about the rest. I know what I feel and that’s enough for me.”
“You are enough for me”
Evan lets the remaining tears spill down his cheeks. It’s all too much at once.
Barty wipes the tears away with his thumb, leaning in until their lips meet in a kiss.
Above them, the stars twinkle in delight.
When Barty pulls him closer and wraps his arm around his waist that night, Evan feels at peace.