Work Text:
"Stupid cats up!"
Yevgeny's head snapped up from his peg board game. Daddy was still bent over his French toast, eyes focused on the screen of his phone while he ate. The yelling didn't seem to bother him so Yev shrugged and went back to trying to figure out his game. Daddy could play it and win every time, but Yev always had more than three pegs left on the board. One time he only had two and that was the best day ever, but—
"I hate you, cats up! You dumb, mean cats up!"
The yelling was louder this time and when Yev looked up, he immediately found the source.
Two tables down there was a tiny girl standing on a chair and scowling at her plate of hash browns. She held a big, red bottle of ketchup upside down in both of her chubby hands. She was shaking it like crazy, but nothing came out. Her dirty, pink face was scrunched up and Yev could hear her muttering under her breath as she shook the bottle up and down with great force.
"Dad!" he whisper-shouted across the table. "Dad, that little girl's not using her inside voice!"
Daddy didn't look up from his phone. "Just ignore her, Yev," he mumbled.
But he couldn't. The girl was stomping her feet in frustration on the wooden chair she stood on and her face was turning purple. Yev knew that look from a mile away.
She was about to cry. Right there, in the restaurant!
"Oh, no," Yev bemoaned, watching her. He hated when girls cried. Emily Morales sat next to him in Miss Lamb's class and she cried all the time over broken crayons or spilled glue. It was exhausting and annoying to talk her down from a tantrum. And Yevgeny Milkovich could not handle that, not today. Saturday morning breakfast with his dad was the best part of Yev's week and he was not about to let a little girl with a bow in her hair ruin that for him.
Yev snatched up the bottle of ketchup from the center of the table and hopped out of his booster seat. Daddy didn't immediately scold him for it so he kept a tight grip on the glass bottle with both hands and walked over to the girl's table.
She definitely had tears in her eyes and Yev frowned at her wobbly chin.
Thank goodness he got there in time.
"Here," he huffed irritably, holding up the ketchup.
The little girl's long hair brushed against his cheek when she whirled around to look at him.
"Wha's that?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.
Yev rolled his eyes. "It's ketchup, dummy. Yours is empty and you're yelling."
"Ohhh."
The girl clumsily sat down the bottle she'd been holding, wrong side up. It rocked over on its side and started rolling down the table a little ways. Yevgeny moved to catch it before it fell and broke because that would be really bad, but the bottle clinked against a half-full glass of orange juice and stopped rolling. Yev breathed a sigh of relief which quickly turned into a whine of annoyance when the little girl snatched the new bottle from his hands. He tottered forward and grabbed the edge of her chair to keep from falling on his face.
"You're trouble," he grumbled under his breath as he regained his balance. Momma said that sometimes when she took him to the park to play and one of the other kids tried to take his toys. This girl definitely looked like she stole toys.
"Your stupid cats up won't work!" she snapped at Yevgeny, like it was his fault.
"You have to take the lid off!" he shouted.
"Now who's yelling, cats up boy?" And then she winked at him.
Babies couldn't wink! Only adults could do that! Yevgeny stared at her in shock.
"My daddy says you shouldn't be a smart moth!"
"Well, my daddy says you should mind your own beeswax," she countered haughtily.
He couldn't believe this! Here he was giving this girl his ketchup and she was being mean!
"You're rude!" he said.
"You have 'nana all over your face!" she retaliated.
"Yeah?" Yev snarked. "Well, at least I don't have dirt all over my face!"
The girl gasped in horror. "Dey're freckles, you stupid dick!"
"Natalie Jane!"
Yevgeny startled and tumbled backwards, grabbing at the edge of the table to keep from falling on his butt. He gaped up at the tall man with orange hair and dirt on his face standing over them.
"What are you doing over here?" he asked the girl. "This isn't even our table!"
The transformation in the little girl was mesmerizing. Yev watched as she widened her eyes like that cartoon deer on the tv and stuck out her fat, pink lip in a pout. She turned to the really tall grown-up standing on the other side of the table.
"Hi, Daddy."
"Natalie, you do not use that kind of language," the man chided. "Apologize to this kid right now."
"I brought her ketchup," Yev explained.
Natalie turned to glare at him, dropping all pretenses of innocence.
"Whataya want, a medal?!"
"Natalie!"
"You're a bitch!"
"Yevgeny!"
Yev froze. He forgot all about his dad sitting behind them at the corner table. Oh, no. He was in big, big trouble. He definitely wasn't allowed to use grown-up words like that.
"She started it!" Yev argued, whirling around to look up at his dad walking towards them. "She was yelling!"
"Was not! You're just a lil' brat!"
"Were too! And you're a meanie! She told me to mind my own beeswax an' I was just tryna give her ketchup!"
"Here's your cats up!"
Yevgeny turned to see the girl rear back, ready to hurl the bottle of ketchup at his face. The tall man quickly intervened and tried to grab the bottle away from her. But she didn't want to let it go, forcing him to pick her up like a football under his arm and wrestle it away from her while she kicked and struggled, baring her tiny teeth. Yevgeny was worried the man was being too rough because she was so small and he was so big. He turned to look up at Daddy, who had a funny look on his face. Was he smiling?!
The man finally got the bottle away from his snarling toddler and set it down hard on the other side of the table. As soon as she realized she'd been defeated, the girl went completely limp in his grasp, reminding Yev of the rag doll in his toy chest at home. Her face started screwing up again, turning a bright red. Her little mouth stretched open and Yev knew what was coming.
"No, no! Don't cry!" he begged, waving his hands at her frantically. "Look, it was all my fault, okay? I was a brat. Just like you said! Please don't cry!"
Natalie's mouth snapped shut instantly and the tears welling in her eyes vanished. She seemed to think it over for a second before shrugging and looking up at her dad.
"See?" she weaseled. "He said is his fault. That means I'm off hook, right, Daddy?"
The man gave her the same look Momma gave Yev when he asked for cookies before dinner.
"Not even close, kid. Listen, man, I'm really sorry about this. She's... rambunctious."
That's when Yev realized the tall man was looking over at where Daddy was standing and watching their exchange. To his surprise, his dad laughed, taking a step forward. His tattooed hands rested on Yev's shoulders.
"I can see that," he chuckled. "You should put her in baseball, man. That wind-up could get her in the Major Leagues someday."
"Nobody axed you, numb nuts," the girl said snidely from under her dad's arm.
"Yeah..." the man started, his face turning red like his hair. "Sorry 'bout that, too. And, y'know, for calling your kid a stupid dick. And trying to kill him with a ketchup bottle. Look, I'm just really sorry for everything she did and will ever do. We're really, really sorry. Right, Natalie?"
"Nope," she shot back with a pop.
Daddy threw his head back and laughed again. Actually laughed!
While the adults talked, Yevgeny twisted his head around to glare up at his dad. Whose side was he on anyway?! The girl wasn't even that cute! Okay, so she had pretty red curls that went all the way down her back and there was a pink bow clipping her hair out of her face and she had big, green eyes like Rapunzel, but so what? He could put a bow in his hair, too, dammit. He could wear a little romper with flowers on it and stomp his feet and say mean things for no good reason. And he also had pretty eyes! So what did this girl have that he didn't?
"Pssst!"
Yev whipped around and narrowed his eyes at the little girl.
"What?" he grumped.
She gave him a cheeky grin and winked. "My daddy's gonna stick it in your daddy."
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"Stick him with what?!" Yev demanded.
Natalie giggled like a maniac in the man's hold.
"You, uh, let her watch Looking or what?" Daddy was asking in a thick voice, like he was sick or something.
"She figured out how to turn the safe search off our internet browser," the man explained, cheeks turning pink.
"I learneded how to make a bomb with a bottle rocket!" Natalie announced loudly.
"And now we can't ever come back here again," the man muttered under his breath. He glanced back up at Daddy. "Sorry for interrupting your breakfast. And, y,know, everything else."
"Don't sweat it, man. We'll get outta your hair." Daddy looked down at his son with a hard expression. "But first you're gonna apologize for using that word, Yevgeny."
"What word?" the little boy asked with faux ignorance.
"He means bitch," Natalie chirped.
Yevgeny balked at her before turning back to his dad and pouting. "She just said it!"
"I don't care what she said." Daddy was using his Stern Voice. That was never good. "Apologize now, Yev."
"Yeah," the girl teased like a cartoon parrot. "Apologize, Yeb."
"It's Yev! With a V!" he snapped.
"What kinna dumb name is that?" Natalie asked.
"It's short for Yevgeny!"
"I have a 'geny pig," she told him grandly. "His name is Jack."
Yev paused and looked at the girl out of the corner of his eye. "Like Jack Sparrow?" he wondered curiously.
She shook her head, corkscrew curls flying. "No. Like Jack the Ripper."
That sounded way cooler to Yev. He turned his head to look directly at Natalie. Her dad still held her under his arm, like he didn't want to put her down. Yev remembered when Aunt Mandy first got Murphy from the pound and how the puppy would jump all over him when he came over. Aunt Mandy had to hold him back or put him in the backyard because he was too rough with Yev when he got excited about visitors. Natalie reminded him of Murphy. When Murphy jumped on him, it scared Yev. But when Aunt Mandy held him still so he could pet his fluffy, white fur, Murphy wasn't so bad. He was cute.
"Sorry I called you a bad word," Yev muttered, sounding miserable to say it.
"S'okay. I been called worse," Natalie said seriously, twiddling her thumbs. "Sorry for yelling. Claire says I like to bring attention to myself 'cuz I'm a narcist."
"Narcissist," her dad corrected. "Can't imagine how she got that idea."
Yev peeked up at the man, who smiled down at him warmly. He didn't look like he was going to stick Daddy with anything so Yev figured he was in the clear. For now.
"C'mon, Yev," Daddy said, patting his shoulders. "Let's get outta here."
As they turned to go, the little girl started whining and squirming in her dad's arms. He set her down on her feet carefully, but kept his arms outstretched like he was ready to grab her in case she might take off running. Murphy did that sometimes, too, when the front door was open.
While he followed Daddy, Yev felt a sharp tug on the hem of his shirt. He blinked and turned around. Natalie was staring up at him with her huge eyes that wigged him out a little.
"Do you like to color?" she asked.
"Yeah," he answered reluctantly, excited by the prospect of talking about coloring. "I like to color with my paints at my momma's house, but Daddy says I can only use crayons when I'm at his house."
Natalie scrunched up her nose—she did that a lot—and tilted her head to the side. "Wha's dat?" she asked.
Yev pointed up at Daddy who was paying the old lady at the register. "My dad's house. I live there sometimes."
That flew right over her confused little head. "You get to lib in two houses? I knew you were some kinna spoil't rat!"
"Hey! I am not!" he argued. "My momma uses coo-pons."
"Well, so does my Aunt Fifi and Daddy says she use'ta be a slut."
Yev frowned. "What does that mean?"
Natalie shrugged her little shoulder, the strap of her romper falling down. "I dunno. But I think it mus'be somethin' cool 'cuz my Aunt Fifi's cool. She gives me 'nana Popsicles."
"I like banana Popsicles," Yev admitted shyly.
"You should come to my Aunt Fifi's house then," Natalie told him. "She always has a big box of 'em."
"Okay! Can we go now?"
"Natalie Jane, what have I told you about wandering off?"
The little girl turned to look up at her daddy, shoving stray strands of hair out of her eyes and knocking her bow askew. "You say I'll get kidmapped, Daddy. But it's okay 'cuz Uncle Flip say the 'mapper will bring me back after a hour."
"Yeah, he didn't mean it like that," the tall man sighed. "You stay here while I pay for this. I mean it, Natty, stay right here with... this kid."
Yev looked between Natalie and the man's retreating back, trying to figure something out. She wasn't going to listen to him, even Yev could see that. So why bother saying it in the first place? Maybe it was for the same reason Aunt Mandy yelled at Murphy when he bolted for the front door. She knew he wouldn't listen, but she did it anyway 'cause what else could she do? Just watch him run away from her?
"Yev," Daddy called for him from the front counter. He immediately went to his father and grabbed his hand to be led out of the restaurant. They made their way to the parking lot and Daddy opened the back door to put Yev in his booster seat.
"Excuse me, mister?"
Daddy whirled around to see Natalie hanging onto the hem of Yev's shirt, having followed them like a lost duckling to the car.
"Jesus, kid," Daddy huffed. "What're you doin' out here? You're gonna give your dad a heart attack."
"You're not leavin', are you, mister?" she asked and yeah, that time she managed to sound cute. "Geny wants to come to Aunt Fifi's house for 'nana Popsicles."
"Well, that's nice, but we gotta get you back inside," Daddy said. He was annoyed, Yevgeny could tell. He always talked like the snip, snip, snip of scissors when he was mad.
"Here," Yev grumbled, grabbing Natalie's hand. He yanked her closer to him so she wouldn't get hit by a car in the parking lot, using a little too much force. "If my dad says we can't then we can't," he told her, leaving no room for argument.
But Natalie could wiggle her way into anything apparently.
"Dat's not fair!" she shouted, turning on Daddy. "You can't take my new bes' friend away!"
Yevgeny cringed, wishing he had warned her that babies weren't allowed to yell at Daddy because he was a grown-up. Now she'd get a whoopin' or maybe even be put in time out. Yev felt a little bad for her.
Or he did, until Natalie launched herself at him, knocking him into the side of their car, and wrapped herself around his torso like a boa constrictor. Her hands locked in a vice behind his back and she wrapped both of her legs around one of his.
"Dad!" Yev shrieked, trying to shake her off.
"You gotta take me, too!" she crooned loudly in his ear.
"NATALIE JANE GALLAGHER."
The girl let out a little "uh-oh".
"Hey, man!" Daddy called, waving his hand over his head. "She's over here with us."
Yev couldn't see because Natalie's hair was covering his face. He spat at it, trying to get the loose strands out of his mouth. This girl really was trouble, he decided.
One second she was there and the next Natalie was being ripped away. The tall man picked her up and stuffed her under his arm again.
"I am so sorry about that," he said, surprising Yev when he turned to look at him, too. "She gets a little attached." He glared down at his daughter. "I'll deal with you later," he hissed menacingly. She stuck her tongue out at him.
Daddy chuckled. "Might wanna get some kinda baby Low Jack for that one."
"Or a leash," Yev suggested, yanking his shirt back in its rightful place. "Aunt Mandy puts Murphy on his leash because he likes to run away, too."
"I'll keep that in mind, bud," the man said, smiling at him.
It was the second time he did that today. Yev liked it. Adults always talked over or around him. And when they did talk to him, it felt more like they were talking at him, using silly voices and rarely making sense. This guy didn't talk to him like that.
"Do I get to pick out my leash?" Natalie piped up, sounding exciting by the prospect.
For some reason, Daddy thought that was hysterical. He leaned back against the car and laughed, watching Natalie with a weird twinkle in his eye, like she was the most interesting thing he ever saw.
Yev wondered if his dad ever looked at him like that.
"Y'know," Daddy was saying, clearing his throat. "Your kid here's declared my son her new best friend."
"The feeling isn't mutual," Yevgeny said glumly. He stumbled forward a little when his dad smacked him in the back of the head.
"But, y-yeah, they seem to really get along," Daddy reaffirmed. "Be a shame to tear them away from each other now."
Yevgeny frowned. Why was his dad talking funny like that? He was saying one thing, but it sounded like he meant something else. Yev didn't get it. His dad always said what he meant, even if it included choice words that Momma would not be happy to hear he was saying in front of Yev.
"Oh, y-yeah. I-it would be a real shame," the tall man stammered. His eyes darted over to Yev and quickly away. "Y'know, uh... Nat and I were gonna go down to Lincoln Park tomorrow to feed the ducks. Around 11:30 or so. Supposed to be a nice day out."
"You don't say."
Daddy had a weird little smile on his face. It didn't match the soft way he looked at Natalie's dad.
The man nodded, grinning back at Daddy with the same gooey eyes. "Yeah. We were gonna bring a picnic. I could—maybe—I dunno... pack a couple of extra sandwiches."
Oh, boy.
Much like Natalie's crying face, Yev could see what was coming from a mile away. This guy was hitting on his dad. Right in front of him! Yev had to turn away, rolling his eyes. When the single moms at soccer practice or the grocery store hit on Daddy, he always brushed them off as quickly as he could. But a lot of time they didn't get the hint or maybe they just don't want to take no for an answer. And if that's the case, then poor Yev is left standing there having to listen to his dad make painfully awkward conversation until they can finally slink away.
To his astonishment, Daddy said, "Yeah, that'd be nice. So... 11:30?"
Natalie's dad's face lit up like a firework. "Mhm. Near the conservatory, at the Lily Pool."
"We'll see ya there."
Yev thumped his forehead against the side of the car.
Looks like he had a new best friend after all.