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Today was meant to be a good day. I had every intention of it being one. It was my first day off in two weeks, the weather was sunny and beautiful, and I had a small fortune in my pocket with the expectation of hopefully finding some hero merch I didn’t already have. Uraraka invited me out for a day of shopping, ‘It’ll be good for you to get out of the house!’ she had reasoned and I didn’t have the heart to turn her down again. She had been begging me for a while now to do something fun, and something that we always used to do together was go to the mall. Even if we didn’t buy anything we both enjoyed just going and browsing. Not to mention everyone had been encouraging me to get out in public more, telling me it’ll help my anxiety but I didn’t believe them. I was right because my stupid, broken brain had to go and ruin the day for me.
My hands had just started sorting through the new Dynamight merch hanging on the rack when my eyes drifted up and that’s when I felt it. They all started the same way; the uncomfortable tightening of my chest, my breath becoming uneven and erratic, and the unmistakable feeling of needing to just get away . Right outside the shop was where I met Shigiraki for the first time. Where his dry rough hands held me tightly on the nape of my neck with the threat, and promise, to use his quirk on me. I remember being so terrified in that moment, all those feelings came rushing back. Then they began to drown me as I thought about how I was even more scared when he took Kacchan away from me and I was powerless to stop him. How he nearly killed Kacchan and all our friends during the war right in front of my eyes.
I was quick to recognize what was happening thanks to all the therapy I had been put through. It helped. The medication did too but these attacks still happened frequently. And as if it was some sick twisted act of fate, my two biggest triggers for these attacks were crowds or being alone for too long. Oh the irony of my life. Hence why I hardly left the house outside of going to work. Work kept me distracted so I didn’t have to think. When my brain was idle it was easier for my mind to wander.
I was searching frantically through the store for Uraraka when I felt someone grab my hand. I looked down and found it was her, I immediately recognized her pink nails that she showed off to me earlier today. When I met her eyes I could see the mixture of concern and recognition etched into her features. Gods I hated that look. I hated this. I hated myself.
“You okay?” she asked softly. She knew I wasn’t.
“I-uh-I n-need- I-“ I stuttered in between breaths. It felt like I just couldn’t get enough air into my lungs, like I could barely breathe. I felt myself begin to spiral. My mind was racing, I couldn’t think straight. I knew that the noise in the store was at a reasonable level in reality but in my head it was deafening. I felt her hands grip mine a little tighter and it pulled me out of the pit that threatened to swallow me whole. “You need Bakugo” she supplied for me. “Let me get you out of here, then I’ll call him, okay?” I nodded frantically because yes, I did need Kacchan. I let her drag me out of the store, the Dynamight merch sadly forgotten, and outside to the main entrance. The sun was blinding as I stepped outside. The sky was bright blue with the fluffiest white clouds. It was beautiful today. If I had hoped the fresh air would help I’d have been disappointed because these feelings just wouldn’t go away. Danger Sense kept going off and it was becoming exhausting at this point.
I let myself be guided to Uraraka’s car where I sat numbly in the passenger seat. None of my usual tactics were working and I was trying desperately to not be thrown into a full frenzy. I tried the sensory count; 5 things I could see around me, 4 things I could touch, 3 things I could hear, 2 things I could smell, and 1 thing I could taste - didn’t work. I tried snapping the not so trusty rubber band against my wrist - it broke. Breathing techniques; in for 6 out for 8 - couldn’t breathe deep enough to maintain the counts.
My hands were trembling terribly. I tried gripping the hem of my shirt to help make it less noticeable but Uraraka knew me too well. She knew all my tricks and a small part of me resented that because I know how much she, and all our friends, worry about me. I used to be able to just bury all my feelings, hide my pain away from everyone, but now it was impossible for me to. As she took off from her parking spot she reached out and threaded her fingers through mine for comfort. “I tried calling Bakugo but I got his voicemail. Is he on patrol?” Funny, I didn’t even hear her make the call. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye when I took too long to respond. I nodded my head yes.
Now I really knew I was out of it when her next question threw me through a loop. “Izuku, do you have your key?” When my eyes focused I found that I was standing in front of my apartment, the number 38 staring back at me. When did we get here? When did I get out of Uraraka’s car and climb three flights of stairs? I patted my pockets and produced the small golden key from my jeans. Thankfully she took the key and unlocked the door. I don’t think it would’ve gotten it in the keyhole with less than 4 tries.
It was nice to be home, to be somewhere safe and familiar, but all I wanted to do was get into bed. Get into our bed. To be surrounded by Kacchan’s familiar burnt sugar scent. So I did just that. I trudged towards our room and crawled into bed under the covers. I pulled the blanket over my head and my knees to my chest. It was all too much. The feelings were too much. It brought back all the terrible memories from the war; my friends being hurt, Kacchan’s lifeless body across from me on the battlefield, I couldn’t protect them. The sob wracked my chest as I tried pulling my knees closer, to make myself smaller. If the tears could lift the weight off my chest then I would cry a river. Anything to make these feelings go away. I had completely forgotten that Uraraka was still here until she gently peeled back the blanket, producing a glass of water and my medication. “I need you to take these for me” she explained softly, “I’m going to help you, don’t worry.” I propped myself up onto my elbow and I tilted my head back so she could drop the medicine into my mouth. Then she guided the glass of cold water to my lips to take a sip and wash it all down. She was kind enough to cup her hand under my chin to catch the dribbles of water that escaped. “There you go. I’ll be right outside the door if you need me.”
I don’t know how long I laid like that but the tears had dried so it must’ve been awhile. The next face that appeared before me was one I needed to see the most; Kacchan’s. “Hey nerd,” he said softly as his hand brushed the curls back off my forehead.There was no jest or malice in his voice. It was kind and careful, like he wasn’t quite sure how to approach me. To be fair I probably looked a mess and it probably made him nervous about how I may react during this episode. I could either be a blubbering mess or angry; this time I was blubbering.
When fresh tears welled up he understood and pulled me into a tight embrace, cradling my head against his chest. I didn’t think I had anymore to give, my body certainly felt like it had nothing left to give, I was already mentally and emotionally exhausted, but a new wave of sobs wracked my body. I hiccuped as I desperately tried to breathe through the tears. It was painful. Everything was painful.
“Shh” Kacchan shushed softly as he continued to rock me in his arms. “Breathe with me” he said and I could feel his chest expand from inhaling deeply before he let it out. “Come on” he coaxed and he repeated the process until my breathing was mimicking his. I don’t know what it is but Kacchan grounds me, even when I can’t ground myself. I had tried all my methods, even these same breathing exercises, and it didn't work, but it did when Kacchan helped me. It worked when I could feel the steady rhythm of his heart under the palm of my hand, and hear it with my ear pressed against his chest. I was almost lulled to sleep by the rhythmic beating, and with the help of my medicine, when he spoke up.
“Want to talk about it?” I shook my head. There was a moment of hesitation, “Don’t go numb on me ‘Zuku. What’s going on?” Another shake of my head. If I could talk to him I would, he was the one person I wanted to, could talk to, about this stuff. Sometimes my episodes made me feel like this, like my brain had been jumbled and tossed about and like my mouth didn’t remember how to form words. My therapist liked to call it being overstimulated which caused me to go nonverbal. It really wasn’t comforting to have a word for it.
“You can’t, can you.” It wasn’t a question, he could always tell. When I nodded my head Kacchan tried pulling away from me. No, I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I wanted to talk to him, I really did. I felt frantic suddenly, my breathing quickened again as I desperately clung to him. “Easy, I’m not leaving ya” he cooed, “I’m never leaving you, okay?” His hand tangled with mine before I felt him squeeze tightly three times. I love you. This brought on a fresh wave of silent tears as I squeezed back I love you too.
“Remember, one squeeze for yes and two for no. Okay?” Kacchan had created this little system for times like these, for when I go nonverbal. This way we could still communicate outside of having to send texts back and forth. Half the time my hands were trembling too badly to send a text anyways so that method was mostly unreliable. I squeezed his hand once.
“Did this one come out of nowhere?” Two squeezes.
“You know what triggered it?” One squeeze. “I won’t ask you about that now, we can talk about that once you’ve calmed down.” I was grateful that I couldn’t talk about it right now because it would probably just bring all those feelings back and I’d feel worse.
“Did any of your techniques work?” Two squeezes.
“Did your medication help?” A moment of hesitation before I squeezed his hand once.
“So, kind of then?” One squeeze.
“Did I help?” One hard squeeze.
“Fuck you’re a sweet talker without even needing to say a word” he teased as he bent to give me a quick kiss. I knew it was a distraction but it was welcome. I puckered my lips out again, silently asking for another kiss which he happily obliged and gave to me. This one lingered a little longer, making my head feel fuzzy. Or maybe that was the medicine.
“We’ll have to let your doctor know about possibly adjusting your meds and figuring out some new coping techniques.” I must’ve made a face because he started laughing, throwing his head back. It was a beautiful sound. “You look like an angry bunny. I know you hate the doctors but you’re just gonna have to deal with it.” I responded with a playful eye roll before grinning at him.
This is what I really needed; to be curled up in Kacchan’s arms, listening to him talk, to his laugh, to feel the strong beat of his heart and know he’s really here with me. Even on my worst days I know Kacchan will be here to help me. He’s been the one constant in my life, whether it was as a childhood friend, a bully, a rival, a friend, or a lover. He is the one person I can count on for anything. If I had Kacchan, I knew everything will be alright.