Chapter Text
Damian didn’t know how to feel about Jason. Jason used to be this figure of hope when he was younger, who he knew that he could always go to for help, and that he wouldn’t have to feel shame because this was his older brother who he would trust with his life over and over again.
Damian holds his breath for a moment. Damian didn't know how to deal with Jason. He didn't know how to handle being around him after he had left. Jason had stayed, and he had stayed for him and then Jason had left. He didn't know how to deal with the grief that came along with that. Jason was equally his brother as his mother was his blood. Which is what made it hurt worse that he had left.
In his own brain he keeps thinking “I do not need him, I do not know him” he forces out to anyone who asks, the words feel wrong. Lies, his whole body yells, his whole mind. lying is an act that is of cowardice
Jason was his brother. But when he had begged him to stay, to not go after that man, Jason had left anyway, he thought a single thought.
“I will never let anyone hurt you as you hurt me.”
And he never would. He would not let Grayson get close, he would not relent his insults towards Drake and he would not warm up to pennyworth.
But he hates that at the same time.
Both of them know each other by every scar that they have gained together—every hit that Jason has taken for Damian and every hit that Damian has taken for him. They know each other by the little habits they both do, how Damian when thinking will rub his fingers along his knuckles, and how Jason will tap out a melody with his hands when listening to other people talk. They know each other far too well. Jason knows what every twitch of Damian’s eyebrow means and Damian knows what Jason needs him to do in battle just by the tone of his voice. They are both one and the same, yet separate. And they know each other far too well. Damian knows every scar that the Joker has given his brother and he knows every mental scar and memories that he has left on his brain. Just as Jason knows every scar that he has ever gotten from Ra’s or training, sometimes his mother. Just as he knows every doubt that lives and festers in his mind.
And he hates it all.
Damian digs his nails further into his palm. Focus on you idiot, he says to himself. Jason had been at the manor, and he didn’t know about that. There was no warning of his arrival so when Damian woke up and went downstairs as he normally would he was not expecting his older brother to be there.
There were some things that Jason didn't know. He had never known the amount of times he had died and come back. How there would always be a green hue that would fog his mind when he got too angry. How he had died for what seemed to be a million times over and over again and had been brought back a million times. Jason still doesn't know. Which is what makes it so much worse,
So he took a breath and tried to act like his breath wasn’t caught in his throat and that he couldn’t see Jason looking at him from his peripheral view. It seems Jason wasn't expecting him either, or maybe that was the whole reason he was here, to talk to him again. For now though, Damian chooses to ignore him and just do what he normally does.
“Drake, did you sleep last night? What is wrong with your hair”
“Oh you- no you know what, yes. I did fall asleep”
“For once,” he says. They had come to learn that, similar to Jason, his aggression was mostly a front for concern. When he had asked “did you sleep last night” in that tone it was more so a cover for “did you finally get sleep? Thank god”
Drake rolls his eyes regardless, “thank you for your concern, tiny” and ruffles his hair
“Wasn’t concerned,” he says back immediately, moving on and walking to the kitchen.
Jason then speaks and it takes everything in him to either not leave instantly or run up to him and start yelling. He wants to tell the pit to shut up so he stays and just keeps looking around for the stuff he wants to eat.
“Tim? Getting sleep? Never.”
“Ah yes, make fun of the insomniac why don't we”
“Do we have a patrol later today?” Grayson had asked as soon as he walked in “god i hope there isn't patrol today, i'm tired”
“For us,” Drake says, directed at Grayson “we don't have patrol, everyone else is on duty since Bruce is gone. We have to help Alfred with the house”
The pit screeches and Damian tenses, he knows that Jason saw it.
Aside from the overall panic from the idea of going on patrol Damian mostly was acting normally, as normally as he could. Then night came and it was time for patrol and the panic started all over again.
Before they had left all he could hear in his own mind was panic, panic, panic, panic. It shouted at him to run away, he would be a coward yes, but cowardice would be better than this confrontation.
He shakes his head, stupid he thinks, and it was, it was stupid. He was taught not to get attached. That was where he failed, so he would have to live with his mistake and live with Jason as if the man didn't raise him.
As calmly as he can ask he says “where are we going?”
Jason stares at him a moment, and sighs, “just follow me.”
And it scares Damien to think that he would, that he would follow him no questions asked because he was still his brother. Someone who he would follow to the ends of the earth and back again, and that scared him. To know that even after all this time, and after everything happened that he would still follow him. At the same time another part of him was content with that, content to have that rock still. But the former overpowered the latter and so his discontent continued.
They had gone a ways away when Jason had stopped suddenly, Damien followed suit immediately after. He turns his comm off, disconnects it and throws it elsewhere ignoring how Grayson or Drake would be screaming at him about what a horrible idea that was; he doesn't really care. Jason seems to have already done the same, he turns to him and pops off his own mask and then his, then puts his hands on Damian’s shoulder.
“Did you die?” And his voice was choppy,and choked. His eyes had a lack of green, for once, and were a clear blue. It bothered Damian, reminding him too much of the other blue eyed members of the family. Everything stops. Damian is staring in shock. Years of hiding this, all down the drain if he couldn’t lie his way out of this.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He says, and for once the pit shuts up, his eyes a regular mix of green and blue as they normally are. He tries to act like he doesn’t feel every ache from every wound and scar that was left from his many deaths. Jason seems to be upset, probably because he can tell that he’s lying. But Damian can’t find himself to care, he had left him, he had left him alone to face all of those deaths. He faced those alone. He learned to cope on his own, learned to suppress that anger, and learned how to calm himself down. Jason wasn’t there for any of that.
It’s then he realized that the anger was there again, on the surface threatening to spill and he’s certain his eyes are glowing
He realizes what hes just done.
“fuck habib..what happened?”
“Home-we can talk about this at home” he says sucking in a breath and taking the mask back and putting it onto his face.
“Okay-okay we can talk about it at home.”
Patrol lasts a while, they don’t talk, they’ve never really had to before. Now it feels tense-he can tell Jason wants to ask him question after question about what happened, when he first died, why didn’t he say something. Damian would rather answer none of those things, and would prefer that this had never happened.
When they get back it’s silent too, he assumes that the others are already home. He knows Jason wants to talk, but he’s sure that he could get away from him for at least the rest of this night.
“Jason Todd-Wayne! What did I tell you about turning off your comns!”
Never mind, Dick has that covered. He goes to slink away but in an instant Jason’s eyes snap to him.
“Don’t move. We are talking about this, Dick-we can do this later.”
Never mind.
Dick stops then, taking in what’s in front of him. Damian is glaring daggers at Jason while Jason looks pissed and like he’s also about to pass out.
“Woah-okay. Calm down,”
“Calm down? Dick do you even know what I just found out—“
“Shut your mouth-“
“Stop.” Cass says, scaring all of them, she signs the rest. “Don’t fight, if you can’t handle this calmly then come to the couch we’ll help”
“We can handle it.” Damian says back,
He knows that there’s no way out of this, he would much rather not have to have this conversation with Dick and the rest of his family hearing. He turns to fully face Jason.
“At least let me shower first.”
Jason nods a yes, and moves to go upstairs. Dick turns to him,
“What was that about?”
“Nothing to get your panties in a twist about, and it’s nothing you want to know”
Jason hadn’t told him about it, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to.
He walks past the man, ignore the sputtering he gave as he left-he wanted a shower, and if Jason was going to hunt him down to have this talk then he wanted to be comfortable at least.
He walks to the showers, was there any way he could really get out of this? It’s foolish to ask Jason clearly saw his eyes but he’d like to think that he could get away with it.
He takes longer to shower than he normally would and it’s clear why, as soon as he steps out he rushes to his room. Once he’s changed he steps to open his door already hearing Jason walk up the stairs.
He pushed past Damian grabbing his arms and dragging him to the library, he sits Damian down on a chair.
“Talk.”