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Virgil had been having… a day. And it only got worse. All day he had been hurting from one thing or another. His back hurt, but he pushed through. Then it moved to his neck and head, giving him the worst headache. Then he got hungry, but waited too long, so he got nauseous. But he couldn’t eat because he was nauseous, but he couldn’t fix the nausea because he was hungry. He ended up sitting there for an hour, wasting time where he could’ve been helping Thomas memorize lines for an upcoming play, instead forcing crackers down.
To top it off, the entire day he’d felt… off. Frustrated and fragile, like he might burst into tears at any moment. It wasn’t normal, per se. Sometimes he just felt like this. He knew it probably wasn’t good. But he was anxiety. He never felt great. Plus nothing ever really helped except getting to his room at the end of the day and crying it out, so why worry about it? Today he didn’t have the energy. Not even to just make it to his room. Today, Patton was sitting to watch some Disney movie, and his brain went blank staring at the screen.
“You alright Virgil?” He asked, big smile on his face. Virgil almost stumbled as he moved towards him. He didn’t want to cry it out. More specifically, he didn’t want to be alone.
Patton made a noise like air punching out of him as Virgil plopped himself right across Patton’s lap, one leg on either side of him. His arms came to rest around his back, not quite grabbing into his shirt. He didn’t even have to energy to cling to him properly. An awful shuddering breath drew out of him, and Patton tried to look at him, draw him up to meet eyes. He didn’t want to. He couldn’t.
“Virge?” Patton said quietly. He didn’t answer, simply burying his face further into the crook of his neck. He smelled like the cologne he always wore, and it smelled like safety, and warmth, and home. Patton brought an arm up around him, and ever so gently rubbed his back. It made him shudder.
“You alright?” Patton asked. He shook his head no minutely. He didn’t feel like talking. All his energy had been depleted. Patton leaned over and hit pause on the remote, and Virgil hummed a displeased noise.
“You want it on?” Patton asked. Virgil nodded, and he pressed play again. He sat there for a moment, taking in their seating arrangements, before a blanket was being pulled over Virgil’s back. Where it came from he didn’t know, and he didn’t care. It was fuzzy and warm, and he hummed a pleased noise. Strong arms came to hold him in place, and Patton adjusted minutely against the back of the couch, getting comfortable.
“What happened?” Patton asked. Virgil shook his head. He felt like he was choking on the lump in his throat.
“Everything’s ok. I’ve got you.” Patton soothed. Virgil nodded, shutting his eyes and trying to relax. But something was missing. Even he didn’t know what. His whole body felt tight. He still felt the lingering frustration. He readjusted, bring his knees up on the cushions to pull himself even closer. Patton, it seemed, was quicker than he was when solving his problem.
“You know I love you, right?” Patton asked. Virgil’s mind blanked for a moment. He wanted to question the sudden affection but… it made him relax a little, hearing the praise. He hummed, and Patton huffed a little laugh.
“I love knowing you! And having you as a friend… And a son.” Patton added tentatively. Again, his mind went pleasantly blank. He hummed and moved his face closer to Patton’s throat, his nose rubbing against his pulse point.
“My boy. You had a tough day didn’t you?”
Virgil’s mind emptied. He went slack, letting his arms fall. Everything felt… less heavy, suddenly, even as tears sprang to his eyes. Patton gave a little noise of pitty, and pressed a kiss to his head, and he leaned into it desperately. He pressed another kiss to his hairline, then another, giving him what he wanted. His hands ran up and down Virgil’s back, and Virgil melted into him.
“Let it out, it’s alright. You’re safe. Your dads here.” Patton said softly. Virgil jerked as the tears began to fall steadily. His mind was completely empty. There was no worry about how this looked or who may see him this way, only Patton’s arms holding him tight. He was safe from prying eyes as long as he was held. He sniffed, trying to keep his nose from running on Patton’s shirt, and got another whiff of his cologne. It make him feel like he was floating.
“It’s alright kiddo. I’ve got you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! I’ll always keep you safe.” Patton said quietly, like it was a secret between them. It made his lips twitch towards a smile.
A crash from somewhere upstairs made him jump. He could hear Logan chastising Remus. Logan, Remus, they- he wasn’t- and his mind refocused. He tensed again, and made a startled noise. He might have tried to speak, he wasn’t sure. Why did he feel so floaty? Why did he want Patton to- to hold him like this? Everything was confusing again, sitting up and eyes darting around. Patton shushed, and pulled at him to lay back down. He let himself be maneuvered.
“Let’s go to my room.”
“Movie-”
“I’d rather make sure you’re ok. And I can play something you’ll like way better. That sound nice Spider?” Patton asked.
Spider. Janus used to call him that, when he was young. His mind… floated, back into the abyss, long enough to nod. Patton wasted no time in getting a grip on his thighs and tucking his head down with a gentle hand. Then they were moving, whooshing through space and landing right on the edge of Patton’s bed. Virgil sat up, ears pricking at the sounds of his old CD player starting up. He had a moment of panic, tensing and expecting a loud noise, but what followed was anything but.
Gentle notes began to play, instruments he couldn’t even begin to pick out by name. The gentle sounds of an orchestra, made to sound like- maybe nature? It reminded him of nature. A flute, maybe. He knew that sound at least. And those… sticks, that go from big to little, that you tap. He heard one of those. And at some point while it was playing, Patton had slid him off his lap and stood to change himself into comfier clothes.
Virgil’s mind caught up, on how he was dazed, and how he was spacing out, and how most importantly Patton was not touching him. He looked around, panicked, preparing to stand up, but a gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him. Patton produced a plush from nowhere, an old one. It was a giraffe, with soft fuzzy fur and a long neck that Thomas used to love to cling onto. He took it without thinking, pulling it close to his chest.
“I’m- I don’t- know. My thinking is slow.” Virgil managed. His breaths were coming quicker, as his mind struggled to surface.
“Feel weird.”
“That’s ok. Everything’s ok.”
“Scared.” Virgil admitted. Patton gave a little aww sound, and shushed him gently, his hand coming up to hold Virgil’s cheek. He leaned into it, soaking up the affection.
“It’s all normal kiddo. You’re safe. It happens!” Patton soothed. Virgil’s lip trembled, and he bit it back, struggling to focus.
“What happens?” He asked. Patton’s face fell, and his gentle movements with his fingers on Virgil’s cheek stopped. He hummed out a startled noise, and Patton got to his knees in front of him.
“Have you never felt like this before?” Patton asked. Virgil shook his head. It was all he could do. He’d never- he’d felt floaty before. But nothing like this. Never this strong, he’d never let it take over. And it was never good, always more like a struggle to reign himself in.
“Oh, little anxious baby.” Patton cooed, giving him a sad smile. Virgil’s mind swept back to when they first actually started to know each other, back when he was going to leave.
The thoughts threatened to send him spiraling. Everything was too much today. Everything was too hard to handle. And yet Patton didn’t look at him with any sort of shameful gaze, or judgement as more tears filled his eyes. He instead waved a hand in front of his eyes, and just like that Virgil was in his skeleton onesie, and Patton had a makeup wipe to take off his drippy eyeshadow. It calmed the prickling on his skin that he hadn’t even registered until now to have soft fabric and a clean face. Then Patton was nudging him, pushing him back into the bed.
“Lay down under the covers, we’ll make everything all better.” He assured him.
Virgil didn’t really have another option. Everything was scary, and overwhelming, Patton seemed to be completely calm. He knew what to do, so Virgil listened. He curled up under the covers, and watched Patton slide in beside him. A pillow appeared behind him, protecting his back from- from anything really. It felt safe to sleep with things boxing him in. It always had. Patton must have summoned the pillow just for him. It made him feel safe. And what felt even safer was Patton’s arms wrapping around him protectively, one under his head and the other around his waist.
“Take some deep breaths for me kiddo. You let dad worry about everything. Just let alllll those big heavy thoughts go…” Patton soothed.
His hand moved up and down, nails trailing gently across his back. He liked his back scratched. Janus used to do it before they fell out. When he was little. His hands moved on their own, one settling in Patton’s pajama shirt and the other idly touching his own chin and lip. He was slipping further, and it felt like something else taking hold of his mind. A noise escaped, and Patton shushed it down.
“Everything’s ok. You feel kinda different right now, don’t you?”
“Mhm.” Virgil nodded. Patton breathed a little laugh.
“I thought you might. This happens sometimes, when your brain has had too much stuff to sort through. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s just new! And new things can be really good. Just let dad take care of you, Spider.” Patton said calmly.
That… made sense. Virgil took in a shuddered breath, calming and letting his mind begin to float without fighting it. It was quiet. Abnormally quiet. He usually had three trains of thought, one fear, and an evanescence song playing all at once. But now there was… nothing. And he noticed it, but he wasn’t thinking about the lack. He was simply drifting. Patton began humming along to the CD, something slow that reminded him of night time, but not scary darkness, more like… fireflies in the summer. Cheerful and soothing, something to fall asleep to.
At some point, his hand found his mouth. He only noticed because his pointer finger was wet. He pulled it out to look, but quickly found he missed the feeling. He snuck a glance up at Patton, who pulled back enough to see him. He immediately gave a warm smile, and brushed fingers through his hair. He leaned into it, letting his eyes fall almost completely shut. His fingers twitched towards his mouth again.
“Do whatever makes you comfortable buddy.” Patton urged. His finger went in between his lips, and his mind flashed warning signs- scolding for acting strange- but Patton smiled bright and pressed a kiss to his forehead instead.
“You’re a champ, you know that? You do so much for Thomas, and for all of us! You needed a break, huh?” He smiled. Virgil nodded, and Patton ran fingers over his scalp again.
“Whenever you feel small, you just come see me, ok?” Patton nodded. Small. That word- his mind was under a mountain of the softest blankets, it registered somewhere, but he didn’t know where or why. He didn’t care. He just knew that he felt floaty, and Patton knew how to take care of him.
“We can stay like this for as long as you want. Or we can do other things! We can color, or watch cartoons, or play with toys. Do those sound good?” He asked. Virgil hesitated. They did. He liked coloring, and he liked toys- maybe? He liked stim toys. But he didn’t want those right now. He nodded, but he couldn’t keep eye contact. Patton’s hand stopped moving.
“Hey, kiddo. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” Patton assured him. He nodded again, more genuine this time. His hand tightened on Patton’s shirt. He just wanted this. Cuddling together, and the gentle chimes and whistles of instruments on the CD, and the giraffe tucked in between them.
“Close your eyes Spider. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
“Promise?” Virgil asked. His own voice sounded foreign, a bit too high. Patton smiled and kissed his forehead again.
“Pinky promise.”
Virgil woke to a dark room, and Patton curled around him protectively. Well, curled around each other. Their legs were tangled, and Virgil’s arms were around him. He blinked in the dark blue light from the window, eyes adjusting. The clock read five forty-six AM. Patton hadn’t taken off his glasses before he fell asleep. He really hadn’t moved at all. The edge of his onesie hoodie was damp, and suspiciously close to his mouth, and he readjusted to get it out of his face. The slight movement was enough to stir Patton, eyes blinking open. The side was immediately alert, blinking rapidly and running a hand up and down Virgil’s back. He snuck a look at the clock himself before looking back smiling.
“Not time to get up yet. Go back to sleep.” Patton soothed. Virgil pulled away a fraction, staring in the dark. Patton’s eyes became clearer.
“Virgil?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m going to turn on the lamp.” Patton warned, after a pause. Virgil nodded, and Patton detached himself just enough to pull the chain, bathing the room in a warm yellow. He moved to put his hand back around Virgil, but Virgil pulled back, and Patton tucked his arm back by his side.
“Are you alright?”
“Think so. Confused. Embarrassed.” He hissed, looking down. Patton nodded.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about-”
“I was acting like- I don’t know. I don’t even know what I was acting like, but I was acting weird. I was sucking on my fingers! And crying, and you just- just acted like everything was normal.”
“Everything was normal. I promise.” Patton interrupted. Virgil shook his head, but Patton’s arm that was still under his head moved, fingers brushing his back and getting his attention.
“I wouldn’t lie to you Virge. Do you remember what I told you?” Patton asked. Virgil wracked his brain. Nothing sprang to mind.
“Not really.”
“Your brain had a little too much. You were overworked, or over stressed, and your brain needed to rest. Sometimes your brain will force you.”
“Force me? Like- shut my body down?”
“Well, for some people! Sometimes someone gets so overworked that they start not being able to sleep, or keep food down, sometimes people even faint! And other times, especially if there’s lots of stress and anxiety, they regress.”
The word clicked in his mind. Regress. Age regress. Information he knew but had somehow overlooked flooded back to the front of his mind. Regression. He and Logan had even talked about this. Logan knew stress could cause regression, and warned him once about it. It was an offhand conversation, kept brief thinking he wouldn’t ever need the information. He’d looked it up, and then forgotten.
Suddenly everything was making more sense. How sometimes he ended his day with crying. How he felt like curling up into a ball in his onesie and hiding, or how sometimes he would be overcome with the urge to go hide in his room, lock the door, and play with magnets, building little structures. How sometimes he’d make the few stuffed animals- stuffies he had talk to each other, especially after breaking down and crying out the stress. He didn’t really think about why he did those things. He just wanted to, and so he did.
He never denied himself, but he also never let himself do them until he was sealed away safely behind his locked door. And he never let his mind go completely blank. It pulled at him, it scared him, and he stayed alert. Sometimes it lasted too long, the almost-floating, and he’d have to pretend he didn’t want to hide away, just long enough to tell the others he didn’t feel well, that his anxiety was taking over. It was never a lie. As soon as he opened his bedroom door it hit him. And as soon as he was back safely in his room, he would be so overwhelmed that he just curled up and took a nap, sometimes accompanied with a few tears, no room left for playing.
“I regress.” Virgil said quietly. Patton nodded.
“I think so. And that’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s a completely natural reaction to stress.” He explained. Virgil pondered it for a moment, taking in the information.
“You didn’t mind?”
“Of course not! I’m your friendly father figure!” Patton joked. Virgil looked at him, unimpressed, and he schooled his smile back to something more relaxed.
“I like making sure you feel safe, and loved, all of you. This is no different! You just need a little bit more care when you’re feeling vulnerable like that.” Patton smiled. Virgil just nodded, looking away again.
“What are you thinking?”
“Still embarrassed.” Virgil grimaced, covering his face with his hands. Patton chuckled, and his free hand came to rub up and down his arm. Despite not wanting to look up, it felt like a safety blanket.
“I think that’s normal too. Once you’re used to regressing in front of people, you probably won’t feel it too badly.” Patton smiled.
“Used to?” Virgil questioned. Patton hesitated.
“Euh- if you want to! That is. Because if you want to, or need to, I’ll always be here to help.” He corrected. Virgil did look up this time.
“You’re sure?”
“I’m completely sure.” Patton nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. It left him frozen for a moment, opening and shutting his mouth.
“I’m not regressed now.”
“You don’t have to be for me to give you kisses. Unless you don’t like it.”
“I do! I- it’s fine.” Virgil swallowed back the nerves, the urge to beg for any attention he gave. Because now that he had started, it felt nice. It felt beyond nice. He was craving it. His hands balled into fists, and Patton shushed him gently, pulling him into a hug like it was nothing. Like he just knew the minute the switch flipped from ok to not ok. Maybe he could sense it, just like how Virgil could sense everyone else’s anxiety. He chose not to dwell on it, and relaxed into his arms.
“It’s almost six. Want to get up and make breakfast with me?” Patton asked. Virgil nodded, if only to stay with him.
Getting up early sucked, but he didn’t want to leave Patton’s side just yet. So he got out of bed and stretched, and when Patton pressed the giraffe from the night prior into his hands, he didn’t turn it down. They made their way downstairs and to the kitchen, Patton getting down the mix and the bowl to make pancakes, or muffins, who knew which. Virgil slid up onto the counter, leaning on the wall and holding the giraffe close. His eyes fell shut to the idle noises of food preparation. Until a set of footsteps startled him.
He practically threw the giraffe down against the counter, panicking at- at what? Being seen? He wore his onesie all the time. He carried around his own stuffed animals sometimes, to stim his fingers against the soft fur. Whoever it was wouldn’t think it was weird unless he acted weird. But what if they did his anxiety chimed in. What if they somehow just knew, and started making fun of him, and-
“Morning Lo.” Patton smiled, pulling the back of his head down to press a kiss to his forehead.
Everything… froze. Like time stopped. Patton turned back to his stirring of batter, but Logan simply stood there, back facing him. He had tensed, and looked over his shoulder at Virgil. And oh, could he read anxious thoughts a mile away. Logan’s jaw was set, and his posture was just a fraction hunched in on himself. Until Patton stepped in between them, holding up the whisk to Virgil’s mouth.
“Enough vanilla kiddo?” He asked. Virgil’s eyes didn’t want to tear away from Logan. But at the nickname, his gaze shifted, settling on the utensil in front of him. Thoughts of salmonella from the eggs were chased out by the current predicament, and he licked the whisk.
“S’ good.”
“Great! What about you kiddo? What do you think?” Patton asked, turning on Logan.
Logan relaxed a fraction, like a switch was flipped at just the name, and the pieces clicked in Virgil’s mind. He watched him lick the other side of the whisk and nod, getting a hair ruffle from Patton before he went back to mixing. And neither of them mentioned the germs. And neither of them acknowledged Patton’s names. But he was sure they both… knew. Logan’s eyes landed on the giraffe, and flicked up to below his eyes, noting his missing eyeshadow. Virgil’s hand tightened on the plush out of instinct. Then Logan dipped his head, and Virgil nodded back, an acknowledgement without words needed.
“I’m going for a jog in the imagination.” Logan spoke up. Patton smiled over his shoulder.
“Be safe, have fun! Breakfast starts at seven. I’ve got to make bacon and eggs too.”
“What’s the occasion?” Logan asked. Virgil pointedly did not look in the eyes of either of them.
“Nothing special. Just treating my kiddos.” Patton grinned. They never did give him credit for just how smart he was. Because it was a normal sentence to say, at least for him. No one would be the wiser. But Logan looked at him… And they both knew. He left without another word, and as soon as the door shut, Virgil let out a deep breath.
“You’re not going to tell anyone, right? Not- specifically.”
“About what?”
“About- about me. Last night. About regressing. I’m pretty sure he knows, and- how do I put it. It’s fine if he knows, but I still don’t want to… say the words yet, explicitly, if that makes sense. Not the details, at least.”
“Yeah, I get it. I won’t if you don’t want me to.” Patton said sincerely. Virgil nodded.
“Do you kiss everyone like that?”
“Well no, Janus prefers-”
“You know what, nevermind.” Virgil waved a hand. Patton choked back a laugh, the bastard. The others never really gave him credit for being cheeky either. He wasn’t some innocent angel, but he rarely showed anything more than General Audience rated.
“Thanks, by the way. Don’t think I ever said that.”
“Any time.” Patton smiled, and he knew he meant that.
Virgil pulled the giraffe close again, and leaned his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes. The sound of whisking was soon followed by the sound of a stove clicking on, and butter and batter cooking in a pan. Pancakes then, good choice. His body got heavier, as sleep threatened to pull him back under. The next thing he knew, strong arms were lifting him off the counter and laying him somewhere- by the feel of it, the couch. Patton pulled a blanket over him and ran a hand through his hair.
“Go to sleep, I’ll wake you up when it’s all ready.” He said quietly. Virgil slipped under.