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Hey Virgil?” Patton called. Virgil’s eyes blinked open, his focus pulled away from his music. He took an earbud out, pausing it with a click.
“Yeah?”
“Is it alright if we talk?” Patton asked.
“That’s foreboding.”
“It’s nothing bad! I hope.” Patton added quietly. Virgil’s eyebrows furrowed, looking around the room. He didn’t see anyone anywhere, still just Patton working on his cake pops. Pat loved the name of them so much that he just had to try to make some. But the idea of talking about anything serious where everyone could be listening made his skin feel like static.
“That doesn’t sound very confident.” Virgil muttered, taking his other earbud out and tucking everything into his pocket. Patton wiped his now clean hands on a towel, and Virgil watched him set the second tray into the fridge. He didn’t try to deny it, coming to sit beside him on the couch.
“It’s just that… I’ve noticed something. I just want to make sure you’re alright!” He said quickly. Virgil nodded slowly.
“Ok. That doesn’t sound too bad. Shoot.”
“Shoot what? I don’t have a water gun right no-”
“Patton, talk.”
“Oh, silly me. Always silly like that!”
“You’re deflecting. Making me more anxious here.” Virgil murmured, looking away from him. Patton’s mouth moved, floundering for words.
“I don’t want you to feel embarrassed.”
“About?” Virgil raised an eyebrow. Every bad habit and possibly annoying fidget he had ever done crossed his mind at once, and he tried to keep his breathing even.
“I just noticed you’re in the bathroom that’s connected to mine… a lot.”
“God- Pat, that’s it?” Virgil breathed.
“Well yeah! It’s just that, well some people who have certain… coping mechanisms…”
“Uh huh…”
“Have… difficulty, sometimes, not all the time! With… eh- personal… processes…”
“Oh my god.” Virgil turned away, ducking his head into his hand. He could feel the heat spreading across his cheeks, embarrassment and the hints of panic running hog wild through his mind.
“I’m- I-I’m not- that small.” Virgil mumbled. Patton sighed in relief, clutching his chest.
“Well that’s a hard conversation over. It’s ok if you are!”
“I’m not.”
“Ok! That’s good to know. But-”
“Pat.”
“We need to have these conversations kiddo. I want to look out for your safety. I know you’re feelin’ a little embarrassed, but I just wanted to make sure that you weren’t having trouble.”
“I’m not… thanks.” Virgil added, not looking up. “Was that it?”
“Yeah, oh but the cake pops will be done in the morning! No sneaking any now!”
“Right on, I’ll be in my room.” Virgil nodded, standing from the couch in a rush.
“Euh- Virgil?”
“What?”
“If you ever do find yourself in that position-”
“God…”
“I just wanted to say, it’s ok to ask for help. I’d be happy to help you.” Patton said quickly. Virgil didn’t turn around, trying not to curl in on himself.
“Thanks, Popstar.”
“Of course, anytime.”
Virgil ducked away, reappearing in his room. He fell to his mattress, pulling his hoodie tighter as if it would wipe the discomfort from his skin. They had been having somewhat hard conversations like this for a while. Any time Patton thought of something he thought needed to be asked, they had to sit and talk. It wasn’t that he was wrong or anything. It did need to be talked about. Virgil realized he had a more specific, more complicated coping mechanism than the others, one that needed to be done correctly.
At the end of the day, he had fallen into Patton’s arms willingly when he crumbled, and Pat was taking everything seriously, and gently, and as non-embarrassingly as he could. Any boundaries or check ins were for his benefit. But it was still new. Still something he didn’t understand fully, something scary that he didn’t control. He slipped into a… smaller headspace, and he wasn’t used to it yet.
Some of the questions were more difficult to answer than others. Did he want Logan around if they were both feeling this way at the same time? No, not yet. Maybe never. At least- grown him didn’t. Grown him was anxious about all of it. He knew about Logan, and Logan assured Patton it was fine to speak about to Virgil. But he himself wasn’t ready to mingle that way. He could barely do it around Patton. And yet, in quiet moments, sat with Patton’s arms around him, he thought maybe he’d like to have a friend there. It was a lot to think about.
If Patton noticed it happening in front of the others, should he say or do anything? And the answer was no. The idea of Roman or Remus, or Thomas finding out made him feel like melting into the floor. Weirdly, the idea of Janus wasn’t as shame inducing. It was scary, but he didn’t get the same rush of adrenaline, thinking he would make fun. Maybe because when he was young, still shifting away from being Paranoia, Janus would hold and comfort him regularly. But short answer, still no. If he excused himself for a “headache”, or a “sudden sensory overload”, Patton should just leave him be. So far, that only had happened once.
Did he want to have special things around the kitchen? Lidded cups, colorful character plates, bottles? That question had nearly made him sink away on the spot. He was so afraid of being judged still, even after two months and seven regressions, that he could barely answer. Plates sounded… fun. Lidded cups sounded like a good idea. But bottles felt too small, too humiliating, and Patton had assured him that it wasn’t. He spoke gently in a hushed voice about how it was more common that he thought, but he didn’t have to! If he felt bigger than that, then he was. End of story.
And now this. Wondering if he needed help using a toilet on his own- and it was to benefit him. It was to protect him. But it felt raw, he felt exposed on the deepest level when thinking about it, or talking things through. The amount of trust he had in Patton was scary in and of itself. He didn’t trust easily. Sometimes that benefitted him, and Thomas. What if Patton decided one day to just tell? But he wouldn’t. Patton wasn’t like that.
A noise startled him from his thoughts, a crash somewhere down the hall, followed by the wall shaking. It was powerful enough that he felt a pang of fear, his stomach dropping. Were they in danger? But instead of a real life explosion, or an intruder in his charge’s home, he heard rapid running fill the halls.
“Give it baaaaaack!”
Was that… Remus? It didn’t sound quite like him. It sounded like Remus was on helium. Curiosity won him over, and he stuck his head out the bedroom door at the same time that Logan peeked from his. Both their eyes drew towards the stairs, where a cacophony of argument was occurring. Tiny, helium voiced argument.
“He won’t let me do it!”
“You make it too scary!”
“I DON’T!” Remus roared, his voice suddenly booming, then the room fell silent, only for a moment. A tiny whimper started, something higher pitched and full of sadness. Virgil crept out from his room, tip-toeing down the stairs, with Logan at his heels. He felt Logan’s hand pulling him back a second too late, as he nearly laid on his stomach to see what was going on. Now two voices were crying, one sad and one more like a tantrum.
He wasn’t sure what he expected, but actual kids wasn’t it. His head shot back up, casting Logan a shocked look, but Logan’s finger was already on his lips, urging him not to speak. He shook his head, trying to pry, but Logan’s gaze turned more firm. That was an order if he’d ever seen one. Don’t say a word. Curiosity got the better of him, turning back to lean down and see through the railing without being caught. The scene was different now, Patton holding a crying-
“Janus?” Patton called, and Virgil watched as Janus appeared out of thin air.
“Already on my way dearheart. What’s happened?”
“I don’t know. I think they weren’t sharing again. Remus is really upset.” Patton winced, bouncing a small boy in his arms. A small boy with red shorts, and a white t-shirt. Thomas? What the- no- no, Roman.
“Holy sh-” Virgil cut himself off, casting an apologetic look to Logan before turning back.
“Bless. Remus, come here monster.” Janus said gently, crouching and opening his arms wide. The other child in black and green, Remus, looked more genuinely emotionally upset than he’d ever seen him as he ran into Janus’ arms and was lifted into the air. He kind of reminded Virgil of… himself, at that age. Before everything negative with Janus.
“Which one of you wants to use big words?” Janus asked gently.
“If you can. Or we can do a cool down first if you need it.” Patton offered.
“I was drawing on my board, and he added dead people.” Roman hiccuped, tucking his head into Patton’s shoulder.
“Remus… monster you know if you want to do scary pictures, to do it on a different board. Why did you try scare him?” Janus asked gently.
“I wasn’t trying! He was gonna give Pa a gift, and wouldn’t let me do tha- the detail, to give the gift too!” Remus sniffed.
“It was from me! Not you!” Roman yelled. Patton winced, shooting Janus a sad look.
“I’m sure Patton would have loved both of your gifts. But it sounds like your brother really wanted to do something by himself. Now Roman, look at me.” Janus said gently, raising a hand to brush through Roman’s hair. The boy leaned into it, sniffling and turning to look.
“We can do two things. Both things will fix this. But you have to agree. If we can’t agree, we’ll do some cool down time. Alright?”
“Fine.”
“Ok…”
“We can work on a gift together, I’ll help you if you’d like. But we can make it a card. So each of you get a side to color on. He can hang it up when you’re done! Or, you can both do different pictures, and we’ll give it to him at the same time. Which one sounds better?” Janus asked. Behind Virgil, Logan tugged on his shoulder. Virgil turned, and Logan motioned his head. He didn’t want to go just yet. He didn’t want to miss the resolution. He didn’t want to take his eyes off these two tiny boys, spitting images of their Charge, and yet not.
“Virgil.” Logan whispered sternly. He reluctantly backed up. He let himself be lead away, up the stairs, and just when he thought he was going to be pushed into his room, he was instead being pulled into Logan’s. The intellect clicked the door shut as silently as he could, and all the anxiety and shame from earlier came rushing back. They were actually going to talk about it. The others, he didn’t realize they got actually small, and they were going to talk about being small.
“You… were not supposed to witness that. Neither of us were.” Logan said quietly, scrubbing a hand down his face. Virgil didn’t look up, staring at his shoes as he felt his face flush again.
“I suppose it would only be fair to answer any basic questions you have.”
“Roman and Remus?”
“Yes.”
“They shrink?” Virgil questioned, and Logan actually huffed a little laugh.
“De-age is the word they’d prefer, but yes. Being creativity, the embodiment of imagination, they can do that, if they wish.”
“They’re… like you?” Virgil swallowed, trying to stop the nerves from eating him alive. Logan dipped his head.
“Yes.” He answered, and Virgil could’ve thanked god on his hands and knees that Logan didn’t add “and you” to the end. His nerves were on fire, his legs were practically shaking. Was he- afraid? Of what? They both coped this way. Apparently they all did. And Logan wasn’t going to shame him for something he did too.
“Was that secret?” Virgil asked.
“Yes. I ran into them once too, I only know bare minimum. And that’s all either of them wishes for us to know. It’s personal. Even Remus doesn’t speak about his regression, and he speaks about every thought that passes through his mind.” Logan explained. Virgil nodded. God, could he relate. The only person he wanted to know about his coping mechanisms was Patton.
“Do you want to know anything else?” Logan asked. A question did pop into his mind, but he almost didn’t want to ask.
“Why do… I mean, why… god, I can’t.”
“Then you don’t need to force yourself.” Logan assured him. But he did want to know. If anyone knew the answer, it would be Logan.
“Why do we do this?” Virgil asked in a rush. Logan tilted his head.
“Do what?” He asked. Fucking hell.
“The… shrinking.”
“Ahh. Regression. I’ve explained it to you before. It’s a coping mechanism for stress, and sometimes can come on due to specific triggers, good or bad.”
“No, but- but why us?” Virgil ground out. His hands were balling into fists, arms wanting to wrap around himself. He felt completely helpless, completely exposed.
“I feel as though this question is hinting towards an ‘as opposed to’. Am I correct?”
“Guess.” Virgil shrugged.
“As for why us specifically, as the aspects we encompass, I couldn’t tell you the answer. I myself put a lot of stress on myself when trying to accomplish tasks, and, unfortunately, feel a lot of the guilt and blame when things do not get done in the outside world. This leads to a break down of emotions. Roman and Remus I’m sure feel an immense amount of stress from the constant need to create, and repress creation, and fight each other, although that is only my person guess. Patton and Janus are the oldest. Emotion, and Self Care. When a baby cries, it is for one of two reasons. Bad emotion, or bad physical feelings. Maybe that’s why they’re good caretakers.”
“And… they don’t…”
“I don’t know. But it is far beyond my place to ask what they do for each other in personal time. Either they do not, or have chosen not to share that they do.” Logan waved a hand. That made sense. God, maybe he shouldn’t have asked. It was personal.
“How do you just… talk about it?”
“I’m not sure I understand the question.” Logan shook his head. Virgil groaned.
“You just- you just talk about yourself being- I don’t know, vulnerable, like it doesn’t even affect you.”
“I suppose it doesn’t. Not to the same extent it does for the rest of you.” Logan realized. For whatever reason, the sentence hurt.
“I see it as a natural bodily process. Your mind is part of your body. If your mind needs to heal, your body will make that happen one way or another, or it will fail. To keep my body running in tip top condition, I let it heal in any way it needs. I don’t see anything wrong, or shameful about that. But I take it you do.”
“N-No. no, I-”
“It’s alright. You don’t need to deny it.”
“I don’t! I don’t find you wrong, or weird or anything!” Virgil fought. His face felt like it was on fire.
“That’s good to hear, Virgil. But I wasn’t talking about it being directed towards myself.” Logan said more gently. Virgil’s stomach dropped.
“How about you? Would you like to share anything?” Logan asked.
“C-Can I go?” Virgil asked. Logan’s eyebrows furrowed, voice changing just a touch towards caution.
“Of course. Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” Virgil nodded, turning away immediately. Why did he feel so trapped?
“Virgil, before you go. I must insist you don’t ask them any questions. It may make them upset. They don’t know that you know. I made that mistake once. It upset Roman for a week.”
“I won’t. Trust me.” Virgil murmured. His heart rate was rising. Was this a panic attack? It didn’t feel exactly like one, but it did feel like flight, the urge to run and not return. Anxiety attack then.
“Do you need-” Logan faltered, and Virgil barely stopped the scared noise sitting in his throat. Don’t talk about it, please don’t talk about him, don’t laugh at him-
“Patton?” Logan asked finally. The name made his stomach feel sour. Did he? He was losing his cool. This didn’t feel like just anxiety. He just felt so exposed. Logan was reading him, watching the anxiety rise, knowing he might slip. They had only talked about people other than himself, mostly, why was he so afraid?
“Virgil?”
“I-I don’t know.” He admitted, opening the door and walking into the hallway.
It was only a few steps into his room, shutting the door behind him. He waited for a moment, expecting Logan to try to follow. He wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t sure of anything. If they all regressed to cope with various stressors, minus Patton and Janus as far as he knew, he should feel more at ease. Less judged. Instead it made him feel raw. Patton and Janus knew about Logan, and the twins. Logan knew about them. Patton knew about everyone in fact. Janus likely knew about everyone but Virgil, if Patton had kept his word to not tell. But if all of them knew about this, then all of them would suspect he did it too. If not fully believe it downright. In other words, they all knew about him.
Virgil nearly tripped on his way to his bathroom. Everything was dark, too dark, too scary, black tub and counters and towel, even the walls were a deep purple that was almost black. But it was all he could do. He shut the door behind him, blinking in the darkness. He knew where everything was, mostly. He knew he was in here alone too. That was good. He was safe. He moved quickly, crawling into the tub and pulling the curtain silently fully closed. Then, quiet as he could manage, he laid down, back facing the wall of the tub.
Sometimes in bad panic attacks, this was the only thing that helped. This would help now. It had to. He had to calm down. He wanted a blanket. He wanted something hiding him. He hummed out a short distressed note, reaching his arm out for the towel in the darkness. What if he touched something? Don’t think about that, don’t think about the scary- his fingers landed on the fabric, and he yanked it inside, draping it over himself and his head.
What if Ro and Re followed him? What if Lo followed him? What if- what if no one did? That made him feel worse. He was alone, in the dark, and he did it to himself but it didn’t feel nice. It didn’t feel safe like it always did. It felt cold. He was cold. And he felt like he was being watched. The idea of a monster crossed his mind, something grotesque and hairy, multi-limbed, perched on the ceiling, watching him. He wouldn’t know. Would- would Patton keep him safe from Remus’ imagination? Or be too scared himself?
No, Pat kept him safe. Pat promised. Where was he? He wanted- he wasn’t sure. He wanted someone. Would Pat be upset he spied on them? Pat kept Virgil’s secret, and he butted in on someone else’s. And now everyone knew about him, because everyone did this, and everything was too much. He didn’t want Dad to be mad. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to be found. Could he… break free? Could he stop regressing? Maybe if he started trying to think properly, bigger, it would all be easier. He could fight it. Like he used to. Fight it, hide it-
*Knock, knock.*
“Virgil?”
He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. Panicked breaths punched through him, making him whimper in the dark, and the door opened further. It was just one conversation! It had lasted maybe two minutes! He shouldn’t be so worked up. But he was, and it was getting worse. There was a moment of silence, one where he almost could convince himself they’d gone. But the door never shut. They were still there, watching. Staring, like a monster in the dark.
“S-Stop! Go ‘way! Don’t get me, ‘m sorry. I’m- I’m sorry- sorry-” Virgil slurred, feeling his eyes start to sting. He blinked rapidly as the light changed, dimming, barely even on.
“Easy Spider… let’s take a deep breath. Can you follow me?”
“Mm-mm.” Virgil hummed no, shaking his head. The person didn’t move.
“You’re scared. You’re having a hard time right now, hmm?” He asked, and it finally clicked. Janus. It made him feel dizzy with fear. He froze. He’d been caught, by Janus.
“…Virgil? Did you dip away? I’m… I’m just going to take a small look.” Janus said quietly, almost more to himself.
Virgil pulled the towel down, he didn’t think about it. He needed to see, needed to be sure. And sure enough, a couple of seconds later a head peeked from around the curtain. He felt like he was choking. His vision was blurry. It was completely silent as Janus pulled the curtain back with a look of worry, and something else he couldn’t figure out, and crouched down next to the tub.
“Eeeeasy Spider… you’re safe.”
“Mm-mm!”
“You are. I will make sure of it.” Janus promised, putting his hands on the edge of the tub. Virgil whined, trying to slide away, and Janus pulled back, although not all the way.
“Logan was worried for you. He said you seemed unsure if you were alright. He went to get Patton, but Patton is busy.”
“No.” Virgil shook his head. He was lying. Janus was going to draw with them. It was-
“S’ a gift for Patton. You’re busy. You’re Lying!” Virgil whined, pulling his arms around himself. Janus sighed from his nose, a sad noise, and his hand hesitated as it raised, then lowered again.
“You saw.”
“Mhm.”
“The twins were having some… strong, upset feelings. I asked them whether they needed cool down time, to let some of those feelings out. Did you hear that part?” Janus asked. Virgil hesitated, but eventually nodded.
“Sorry.”
“What for, Spider?” Janus asked. His voice was warm, like a fireplace at Christmas time. Just like Patton. He felt his finger twitch towards his lips, setting his pointer on the edge of his mouth.
“Broke their secret.”
“Broke who’s secret?” Janus asked, eyebrows furrowing. Virgil hummed, looking away. Please, please-
“Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not, darling… May I touch you?” Janus asked carefully. He wanted to say no. He wanted Patton to hold him. Why wouldn’t Patton come get him?
“Pa-at. He promised.” He hiccuped on a cry, and Janus’ hands flexed again, before he was moving quickly, shucking his gloves off.
“Is this better?” He asked gently. It… was. Maybe. Dad didn’t wear gloves.
“Ok.”
“Ok? Alright, come here.” Janus urged, leaning in to get closer. His hand was cold against his own, it made Virgil hiss out of reflex, and it quickly moved, stroking a soothing pattern into his upper arm. Down, then repositioning, and smoothed down again, and again. It was rhythmic, and for a moment he forgot about anything but watching it.
“Pat had to go sit with them for cool down time. Remus was very, very upset, and Roman was very sad. You saw that, didn’t you?”
“Mhm.”
“Yes, they needed soothing. They needed to sit in his lap for a while. Have you ever done that?” Janus asked. He nodded. He did like sitting, and being hugged. He liked his back rubbed. Kind of like this.
“Like this.”
“Like what?” Janus asked quietly. Virgil sniffed, and moved his free fingers across his chest, petting just like Janus.
“Pat does.”
“He does, doesn’t he? I like doing this too. Does this make you feel a little better?” He asked. It did. Thinking about it being Janus was a little scary. But it felt nice.
“How about on your scalp, hmm? You used to enjoy that.” Janus said, and his voice was so soft, that he almost forgot to answer. Later, he may think it was entrancing. For now, he did not. He was too small for such big thoughts.
“Yeah.”
“Yes, you did. Let’s try that, how about it?” He offered. Virgil nodded, and Janus moved his other hand to begin lightly dragging his fingers through Virgil’s hair. His eyes fell shut. It was scary, for just a second. He had to trust Janus enough to shut his eyes. But it felt so nice. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t making fun. He was…
“Safe?”
“Yes Spider… I promise.” Janus said, seriousness carrying into the end. It made him relax further, the thoughts of stress, and fear, and sadness floating away. He was sinking. Sinking like he was in water, floating to the deep. And at the bottom was… nothing. Warmth, and safety, and nothing. He opened his eyes.
“Ahh… there you are.” Janus spoke softly, a smile pulling on his lips. His hand moved, thumb brushing Virgil’s cheek now. Virgil’s eyes were tired. All they wanted to do was stare at him. He didn’t want to talk anymore.
“You were fighting it. You must have been very scared. You’re safe now. Everything will be alright. I’ll make sure of it.” Janus whispered the end. Virgil only blinked.
“Do you come to the bathtub a lot? I bet it’s nice in here. It’s small, and controlled. You always did like going to small spaces.” Janus chuckled.
“Do you remember when you were young? You once hid under the kitchen cabinets during a storm. I found you, and we surrounded you by pillows, and buried you in blankets. Your own cozy fort.” Janus smiled. Virgil tried to think back, but nothing came up. It sounded nice though.
“Would you like to get out of the bathtub?”
He wasn’t sure. It was warm now. His legs felt heavy. Maybe Janus would pick him up, like Re. He moved his arm out towards him, and Janus smiled.
“We can do that. You’ll need to stand, just for a moment. Can I help you stand?” He asked. He didn’t want to. His finger slipped between his lips again, resting by his teeth. But he couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t think about arguing or trying to speak to say he didn’t want to. He simply nodded, not paying much attention.
“Alright. Let’s sit up first. I’ll help you. I’m going to lift by your shoulder here. Are you ready? One, two… three.”
Janus’ hand moved up under his shoulder uncomfortably. He pulled, and Virgil sat up. It felt like he had weights on his shoulders. He felt fuzzy. He felt bad. He was being pulled to the surface, up, up, and he didn’t want to be. He whined, and Janus began stroking the back of his head, gentle circles with his fingers. He shut his eyes again.
“Almost there Spider. I’m going to take your hands now. It’s going to feel a little cold, like water.” Janus warned. Virgil didn’t open his eyes. He only continued to lean into the head scratches. There was a shuffling sound, then two cold hands took his own. But the hand was still on his…
“On three, I’m going to pull you up. Sound alright?”
“Mhm.”
“Good. One, two… three.” Janus pulled. Virgil stood, grimacing as pain went through his hip and back. The tub hurt. He didn’t have time to think about it. Gentle arms were pulling him in, two hands on his back soothing up and down, one on his head, and two ghosting across his hips.
“May I touch you lower? I need to get a grip on the back of your legs to pick you up.” Janus explained, and Virgil nodded instantly. He wanted to be held. Two hands moved, grabbing under his thighs before hoisting him up. His eyes flew open as he was tucked against Janus’ chest.
He was scared for just a moment. Was Janus nice like Pat? It seemed like it. He had a good hug. Two arms were tight around him, soothing and grounding. Two on his legs kept him up as well. As they passed the mirror and out into his room, he could see in the dim light that Janus had more arms than normal. But he wasn’t like a monster. He was soft.
“Would you like to sit on your bed?” Janus asked. He shook his head no. He didn’t want to lay down right now.
“Hmm. What about mine?” He asked. His mind went back. Back to childhood. Back to Janus sitting beside him through panic attacks.
“No!”
“Alright! That’s alright. We don’t have to. It’s all up to you.” Janus assured him. He stepped forward, then back, confusing Virgil for a moment until he started rocking slowly. He was… bouncing? Swaying? Swaying. They were swaying, as Janus took to walking around the room.
“I see a coloring book. Do you like coloring?”
“Yeah.” Virgil spoke up. His tongue felt heavy, but it felt easy to answer this question. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t have to.
“Mmm, and a giraffe. This is from Patton’s collection, I recognize it. He’s soft, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah! Do you want him?” Janus asked. Virgil’s tongue felt heavy again. Janus moved on.
“He can stay in the bed. Take a little nap. Naps are very nice, don’t you think? Getting all cozy, and drifting off.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah! Ooh, what about this? This is very nice… Virgil.” Janus hesitated, only for a moment. His name felt… big. It wasn’t right. Why wasn’t it right? Pat used it sometimes. Not very many times though. He hummed, and Janus paused in swaying them.
“I wondered. You prefer when I call you Spider, don’t you?” Janus asked, and Virgil nodded.
“Or darling,” He added, beginning to bounce down and back up a little, and Virgil cracked a smile.
“Or little one.” Janus smiled. He hummed a pleased sound. That one, little one. It felt like his favorite, at least when Janus said it.
“Mm. This is a beautiful crystal here little one. Amethyst, right?”
“Yeah. See?” Virgil asked.
“I do see!” Janus smiled, and Virgil felt his growing energy dim a little. Janus paused again.
“Do you want to see?”
“Mhm.”
“Of course little one. It is yours after all. Here, can you get a good grip?” Janus asked, holding it up to his line of sight. Virgil reached, his arms no longer feeling like lead. It was sharp, a good sharp. He ran his fingers across the points gently, once, twice, before wrapping his arm back around Janus’ shoulder.
“All done?”
“Yeah.”
“My, you have a large CD collection! Which one is your favorite, Paramore or Evanescence?” Janus asked. Virgil blanked.
“Ev… mm, vevnes- evisnes-” Virgil gave up, picking up his head and flopping it back down, as Janus began to laugh. His tongue was too heavy for that one.
“That’s alright, I understood. What else can we look at?”
Getting lead around with Janus turned out to be more fun that he thought. Janus swayed him the whole time, and it felt like he was floating when he let his arms drape down. He liked Virgil’s things. He liked his rug, and his shoes, and his posters. He liked his- moments? Mentos? Memory stuff. He liked his collections! Virgil loved hearing his happy voice, walking them along. Every so often he would stop a little longer on a photo, or old drawing. Virgil liked those. They seemed like his favorites.
“Ok, let’s find something else to do. Would you like to play a game, darling Spider?” Janus asked. Virgil shook his head.
“What about… coloring?” He offered, and again Virgil shook.
“Hmm… you were crying earlier. Would you like something to drink?”
“Drink water?” Virgil mumbled into his shoulder.
“Or something else. We have juice, or tomato soup!” Janus teased, bouncing him. He huffed a laugh, smile growing.
“Or chocolate milk.”
“What?!” Virgil exclaimed, making Janus laugh.
“What, does our Pat not give you chocolate milk?”
“Not…” Virgil paused, trying to find the words in his foggy mind.
“Not on… upset… here.” He pointed, tapping his side.
“Well I certainly won’t tell if you won’t. It’ll be our secret. After all, there are healthy body foods, and healthy brain foods. Sometimes when you’ve been sad, adding a happy brain food- or drink, can be far better than just water.”
“Sure?”
“I’m sure. As long as you don’t jump around after drinking it.” Janus emphasized, bouncing him up and down. Again he grinned, this time fully laughing.
“Ok.”
“Ok! Let’s do it. Sounds like I’m the fun one. Dear Pat is the strict one.”
“What?!” Virgil called out again, and Janus laughed.
“I’m kidding, of course. Hold on to me tightly little one.” Janus instructed. Virgil did exactly that, tucking his head back down and gripping onto Janus tighter. He wasn’t thinking about the living room being scary, or being seen. His mind was blissfully floating through thoughts of Janus’ jokes, and Roman and Remus coloring, and which cup he was going to pick out, as Janus opened his bedroom door. That was, up until he heard voices barreling towards them.
“I’m going to get the best hit!”
“No I will! Your hits are way too big, it gets tangled!”
“Yours are weak!”
“Boys, careful! Slow, slow slow!” Patton called. Janus moved quickly, pulling them back inside the bedroom doorway, as two boys, a bit bigger than he last saw, barreled down the stairs with plastic baseball bats. Patton stopped beside them, leaning over to breathe. Janus chuckled, putting one of many hands on his back.
“Dearheart, what happened to cool down time?” Janus asked.
“They decided after cooling down that they wanted to hit the ball on the rope, since you were busy now and couldn’t help with the card. Ooh, they picked card! I can’t wait to hang it up. Eh- if they manage to cooperate and stay on track long enough to do it. Might not happen today.” Patton chuckled. Janus laughed, pulling him in as he stood up to bump their heads together. Patton looked really happy when he pulled back. Janus had made him happy. That was new, and… nice.
“Oh, how are you kiddo? I’m so sorry I got tied up. I was going to come to you right away, and have Janus stay downstairs to- to handle something-”
“He saw.” Janus whispered.
“What? You saw… the boys?” Patton said hesitantly, getting a nod from Janus. Virgil nodded along with him, and Patton sighed, reaching out to run a hand through his hair. It made his eyes fall shut, relaxation and that calming pull deeper tugging on him.
“I was going to get you. I promise I was. Logan got Janus first. I-I came upstairs, but when I came into your room, I could hear you guys in the bathroom. You sounded so calm, I thought maybe interrupting would make you upset.” Patton explained. Virgil nodded, cracking open his eyes again. It hurt a little that Pat didn’t come to him. His face fell, and his chest squeezed tight.
“Oh, I messed up.” Patton whispered, looking up at Janus.
“We all make mistakes dearheart.”
“I know. Was everything ok? Why were you in the bathroom? You aren’t sick are you?” Patton asked. Virgil turned away, tightening his legs around Janus.
“He was… not doing well. He was hiding in the tub. Under a towel. With the lights off.”
“Oh, kiddo… is that what you’ve been doing so long in my bathroom?” Patton asked. Virgil squeezed his eyes shut. They were sad. He was making them sad. Or angry. Don’t be angry.
“Sorry.”
“No! No, no, no it’s ok. Oh kiddo, there’s nothing to apologize for.” Patton soothed, running fingers through his hair once again. Janus caught his gaze, and he didn’t want to turn and see what was being mouthed, but he didn’t get a chance even if he had wanted to.
“But we fixed that, didn’t we Spider?” Janus spoke up.
“We got calmed down, and we let eeeverything go, and we relaaaxed. Then we walked around your room for a bit. I haven’t seen in there for a long time. It’s very cool. But I wouldn’t expect any less from this cool little one.” Janus smiled. Virgil’s mind hung on the words.
“Little one.”
“Yes, that’s you!” Janus said, bouncing him at the words. It made a smile light up his face once again. Janus ducked his head, peeking at him, and he grinned at the funny angle.
“There you are.” He smiled, raising a cold hand to brush hair from his face.
“It seems like… everything is going well?” Patton said, and Janus dipped his head. Patton visibly relaxed.
“I’m so glad you two are- I’m so glad my kiddo is happy.” Patton corrected, leaning against Janus’ shoulder.
“Darling boy, would you like to go to Patton now that he’s available?” Janus asked.
“Yeah! We could watch cartoons, if you want, or color?” Patton offered. Virgil focused, trying to pull his mind out of the fog to answer. He did want to see Patton. And he did want to watch cartoons. But Janus was comfortable, and he swayed them, and he was going to get chocolate milk from Janus. He opened his mouth, but the sounds wouldn’t come out. He frowned, trying to think of the right answer.
“Are you having trouble speaking kiddo?” Patton asked gently. Virgil nodded, and Janus readjusted him, putting a hand to the back of his head.
“Bless him, you can just nod little one.” Janus reminded.
“Yes or no questions. Would you like to go to me?” Patton asked. Virgil hesitated. It was hard to answer. It wasn’t yes, it wasn’t no.
“What about staying with me?” Janus asked. He frowned, humming a noise in the back of his throat.
“Would you like to be left alone now? Maybe take a nap?” Patton asked. He hummed and shook no, frown deepening.
“What about both of us?” Janus asked. Virgil’s eyes lit up, and he nodded quickly. They got it right!
“Alright. Patton, lead the way.” Janus smiled. Patton lit up, heading down the stairs at a rapid pace. Janus took his time, bouncing them every step.
“Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba… DUM.” Janus exclaimed, every step like a tiny carnival ride. It made his stomach drop in a good way, and a smile light up his face.
By the bottom of the stairs he was laughing, full and loud, and Janus was too. But Janus had to put him down to get to work. Virgil didn’t want to let go. He wanted to stay in Janus’ arms. But when Janus said he needed to go to the kitchen, winking at him, he let go immediately. Patton was warm, much warmer than Janus. He hadn’t even realized. He sank into him like a soft blanket, getting comfortable sitting sideways across his lap and leaning into his chest. Their heads bumped together, as Patton pulled up the right menu on the television.
“I’m going to scroll through all your favorite choices, you just nod when I should stop, ok kiddo?” Patton smiled. Virgil nodded, eyes locking onto the screen. He didn’t even have to scroll. As soon as he went down into the choices, Virgil nodded.
“That was fast.” Janus chuckled, coming to sit beside them.
“It’s a rare day when the pick isn’t bluey. And I am in agreement. It is an emotional, relatable, deep, cinematic masterpiece.” Patton said seriously.
“I can agree with you there. Do you skip Sleepytime with him?”
“Oh yeah, we both sob. I only play it if he wants me to.” Patton nodded seriously, getting a laugh from Janus. Virgil looked over, leaning back to see Janus. It wasn’t fair he wasn’t in both their laps. It would be hard to be. But he didn’t want to be in the middle.
“Are you alright, darling?” Janus asked, tapping his back with a finger. Virgil nodded, looking back up at Patton.
“Can I…”
“Take your time.” Patton reassured him.
“Move?”
“Yeah, of course! Where to?” Patton asked. Virgil didn’t bother trying to pull an answer from his foggy mind. Instead he slid backwards, right onto Janus’ lap, and splayed his legs out on Patton. Janus made a disgruntled noise, readjusting him just a bit, and chuckled.
“I bet you want your drink, don’t you little one?” Janus asked. Virgil nodded, and Janus chuckled, reaching towards the coffee table to grab the count chocula cup. It had a long, purple rubber straw, and Virgil accepted it excitedly, taking a sip of it. It was heaven.
“Ready to start the episode?” Patton asked, patting his knee. Virgil nodded, smiling at him around the straw.
He lost count eventually. One episode turned to two, to three, to five, then he stopped paying any attention. As it progressed, he noticed two things. One was the jokes becoming funnier- “I’m not special anymore!” “Hooray!” sending him into a fit of giggling, and the other being how heavy his eyes were getting.
He didn’t recognize when his thoughts came back, only that they did. One moment he was wondering if they had cats in the shows universe, and the next he was startling awake from a dream about going to the pool and watching Logan teach people how to swim, thinking ‘When did I fall asleep? Where’s my cup?’. He flexed his fingers, finding it long gone.
“You gave him chocolate milk didn’t you?” Patton’s voice startled him. He jumped, but relaxed again as Janus ran fingers over his arm. After a moment, Janus spoke up.
“I can’t hide anything from you.”
“Janus! One of these days, one of them is going to become incredibly sick from the exertion, and- and into-tummy drainage, mixed with sweets.”
“Ahh. Probably Remus.” Janus smiled, making Patton snort. Virgil cracked one eye open, just a fraction.
“Don’t worry dearheart. When the day comes, I will take full responsibility.” Janus promised, before raised crossed fingers. Patton smacked his arm lightly, and Janus and Virgil chuckled.
“Hey, you’re supposed to be asleep.” Janus teased. Virgil shrugged.
“M’not.” He chuckled. Both of them went quiet.
“Virgil?” Patton tested. Virgil hummed.
“You’re coming out of it?”
“Mm. Yeah, think so.” He nodded. He could feel Janus go tense under him, and he grumbled.
“Get squishier.” He mumbled, poking Janus’ chest.
“Ah. Hello.” Janus tested. Virgil paused. It- it was awkward. It was a little- hell, a lot scary. But Janus had taken care of him. Janus had been kind. And if Janus was willing to behave this way, to take it upon himself to protect him, and treat him gently, and not make fun of him… he could trust him.
“Sup.”
“Do you remember what’s been going on?” Patton asked gently.
“He’s the fun one.” Virgil mumbled. Patton looked up in confusion, while Janus gasped in mock horror.
“You weren’t supposed to repeat that, Spider.”
“Too bad.” Virgil chuckled, as he felt Janus’ chest bounce with laughter along with him. A silence followed, one where he almost drifted off again, as they had a silent conversation.
“Would you like to move?” Janus asked.
“No, shhh. Turn back up the show.” Virgil mumbled, readjusting to get comfy. His hand balled up in Janus’ shirt, the other tucked into his chest. He let his head fall towards Janus’ own, tucking into the crook of his shoulder and pressing them together. After a moment, the volume went back up by a couple of clicks. Janus’ arms tightened around him, and someone, Patton he would guess, draped a blanket over them.
What he could not see was Janus’ expression as he held him close. The way he squeezed his eyes shut, then open, blinking rapidly, or the way Patton laid a hand against Janus’, pulling their fingers together. The pained, grateful expression he carried, as he held the person who he once took care of as a boy, now back again after so much turmoil. It went unseen, as Virgil drifted towards sleep.