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It’s hot and crowded and I kind of want to go home.
I’m pretty sure Collin Greene meant for this party to be his end-of-term bash, but his brother Harry sort of co-opted it to be a reunion for his year as well, which you can tell Colin isn’t too chuffed about. You can identify him as the fully blonde middle part that’s sulking just a bit along with some of our year’s rugby lads, three or four inches taller than Harry and a bit bulkier, as opposed to the shorter dirty blonde pompadour who’s holding court among the uni freshers and sixth formers. It’s practically two different parties taking up the same space.
I sniff the punch I’m holding and get the telltale scent of Tesco store brand vodka. You would think that somebody as minted as the Greenes would buy better liquor, but I guess a bunch of high schoolers who just want to get pissed won’t know the difference. I sip carefully at the drink. One of my mates from the rugby team, Lewis, volunteered to be our sober driver tonight. I’m pretty sure I can spot his brother Christian somewhere in the crowd. Chris is the clean-shaven one, Lewis is the one with the nasty patchy abomination of a beard that we’ve decided to keep taking the piss out of until he shaves it.
I want to go find Arun. I should find Arun. I shouldn’t find Arun. When I think about finding Arun I think of his shiny black hair and his glasses and the way that he looks down his nose through them, the pinched look and the crease in his brow he gets when he’s really concentrating one something, the way his mahogany eyes sparkle when he starts talking about something that really interests him.
I think about his lips against mine.
I’m down bad for my best friend. At least I think that’s what Arun is. I don’t really understand it. It wasn’t until a couple months ago when me and Elise, my ex-girlfriend, broke up with me that I really started thinking about him that way.
I lived the first twelve years of my life in Sheffield, before Mum and Dad split and Mum moved us to Kent to be closer to her family. This was in the middle of Year 7, so that meant that not only was my family ripped in half, but I was also the new kid in the middle of the year.
Mr. Ajayi, my form teacher, assigned Arun to be my guide. We didn’t have much in common, but we bonded over being picked on for the way we talk - South Yorkshire in my case, and Arun’s family came to Britain when he was like 5 or 6 years old, and every once in a while you can tell English isn’t his first language and he speaks Gujarati at home.
We’ve been thick as thieves ever since. I was the first person Arun came out to, before he told the rest of our friend group, and I was the one who hyped him up to tell his parents he’s gay, and the one to hold him as he let all the tension out when they told him they loved him no matter what. He was the one who listened to all of my ranting about Elise, and the one who comforted me when I humiliatingly cried when we broke up. Jace and Arun against the world.
And now when I think of him I wonder what his hair smells like. What it would feel like to slip my hand under his shirt and feel his heart beat against the palm of my hand. I want to tell him, I really do, it’s just that whenever I try to do it my words get stuck in my throat and I can’t form sentences and I just kind of stare until Arun walks away, like I’m some sort of freak.
I hear laughter and see a shock of curly black hair out of the corner of my eye. Charlie Spring walks by hand-in-hand with Nick Nelson, who I’m sure is back from living it up at university.
I joined the rugby team this year as a winger, so I’ve gotten to know Charlie Spring about as well as a Year 10 can get to know a Year 13. He’s hot, that’s for certain. They both are. I’ve sort of always noticed when people were hot whether they were boys or girls.
Charlie’s a really nice guy, though. Even if he made my little brother cry by accident last year when he was Head Boy.
“Jace,” someone says behind me. I turn and see Arun with our friend Lila.
“Hi,” I say. My voice is a bit higher than it normally is. Arun is wearing a pair of jeans that he’s probably outgrown a bit, to be honest, but he’s said in the past he feels like black jeans are a bit smarter than normal ones, and they hug his arse perfectly so I’m not complaining.
“Hi,” he replies.
“We’ve been looking for you for ages,” Lila adds.
“Sorry,” I say. My mouth is really dry. I look down at myself and my t-shirt and button-down and chinos, and then up at Arun and his black jeans and black shirt that make him look like a member of My Chemical Romance - that make him look hot, to be more specific, and I feel totally inadequate.
Lila says something and I totally miss it.
“What?” I say.
“I was saying,” she explains, “that it feels like you and Arun have been friends for a while now, just like me and Sophie.” Sophie is Lila’s girlfriend.
“Yeah,” I say, “I guess we have.”
Lila eyes me in a weird sort of way that makes me feel like she’s x-raying me or something.
“It’s important to be friends with the person you’re dating,” she says off-handedly, “It’s why me and Sophie work so well.”
I can taste metal in my mouth. Lila definitely knows.
“That… makes sense,” Arun says. He’s looking at me funny now.
Lila shrugs. “Well, I guess I should go find Sophie,” she says with a wink, and she disappears into the crowd.
She leaves me alone with Arun.
I feel like I should say something.
“So how’s the party?” I ask, and I feel totally lame for doing so.
“Fine, I guess,” Arun says. He shuffles a bit and he’s looking at me funny, like he’s not quite looking me in the eye. “I think Colin is pretty mad his brother hijacked it, though.”
I look over Arun’s shoulder. Nick Nelson and Charlie Spring have been joined by two girls, one I sort of recognise, the other one blonde. They dance beside them.
“Well,” I say, “Why have one Greene brother strike out on every girl he gropes when you can have two?” Arun laughs at that.
“I think I just saw Colin’s brother try to hit on Marcy Castor in our year,” he says. We both laugh.
“Isn’t she like three inches taller than him?” I ask.
“I never said he was successful,” Arun quips.
We move out the way slightly so that a short boy with a beanie can lead a taller black girl I recognise as going to Higgs last year through the crowd towards the pod of sixth formers and uni freshers Nick and Charlie are standing with.
We have a moment where we have nothing to say. I get the feeling like this is my chance.
“Arun,” I say, not really sure I know where i want to go with this. Privacy. That’s what we need. Find somewhere private.
“Jace?”
I realise I’ve been standing there silently for too long.
“Sorry,” I say.
“You say that too much,” Arun says with a glimmer in his eye.
“S -”
“What did I just say?” We both giggle a bit at that.
“What I was gonna say is,” I began, “It’s a bit noisy in here. Do you w -”
“LADS!”
I wince as Colin Greene pops up from out of the crowd and throws his arms over our shoulders.
“Everything good lads?” He asks. He doesn’t bother to give us time to answer. “Too bad Harry can’t just have his own party,” he says, “sorry for that. There’s like no good girls here, either. Sixth form girls are so stuck up.” Which probably means he tried to hit on several and they all told him to piss off.
“It’s fine,” Arun says. I nod in agreement.
“Well,” Colin says, “I’ll leave you to it, then. There’s gotta be some good gash somewhere.” He then wades into the crowd.
“Aren’t you glad we go to school with Jay from Inbetweeners ?” Arun murmurs with a grin.
We watch as Colin wades his way over to where the two girls I saw earlier are dancing - Tara and Darcy, that’s it.
“Oh god,” I say, “He’s not gonna -”
He is. We watch as Colin Greene throws his arms around them and says something inaudible.
“I feel like we should apologise for him,” Arun says.
“I feel like his parents should,” I retort. We both laugh. I feel like I should say something.
“So I was saying -”
“Good news mates,” someone else interrupts. I am now seriously annoyed.
Lewis McBride is standing there with his hands on our shoulders.
“Chris says he’s not drinking tonight and said he’d drive us home, so I’m off sober driver duty and am free to get drunk,” he continues. Out of the corner of my eye I see Tara and Darcy dissolve into laughter as Colin slinks away with his tail between his legs.
“I’ll be in the kitchen fixing myself something with vodka,” he continues.
“Good,” Arun says, “I think I’ll join you.”
“Ace,” Lewis says, “what about you, Jace?”
I fume silently for a second, irritated that the moment’s been ruined twice.
“Nothing for me,” I say, “I think I’ll find Lila and Sophie.”
“Suit yourself,” Lewis says. He and Arun wade back into the crowd.
“Maybe find a razor while you’re at it!” I call over at them. Lewis responds with a middle finger over his shoulder.
I put my hands in my pocket and lean against a wall, defeated. What’s the point? Arun will never like me back. I don’t even know what I am. I’ve had a girlfriend before, and I definitely liked kissing her, so I’m probably not gay. But somehow bisexual doesn’t feel like it fits either. It’s like i didn’t like Elise as a girl, specifically, just the same as I don’t like Arun as a boy, either. I just… liked Elise, and I like Arun. So what the fuck am I?
Nick and Charlie catch my eye.
Nick is doing some sort of shuffle that looks like the drunk uncle at a wedding. Charlie’s moves are far more fluid, and he actually twirls and flashily falls into Nick’s arms. He stays there for a long moment, before turning around and facing his boyfriend.
Time slows down.
I watch as the pair of them pause, lit up by one of the strobes, and gaze into each others eyes for a long moment. Then they both lean in as one and kiss each other for what feels like an eternity. It’s like everybody else in the room has disappeared, like they’re the only ones that exist.
After what feels like an hour they separate. Charlie says something - I can tell because his lips are moving - and it looks like Nick giggles at whatever he said. He grabs Charlis and scoops him up, twirling him around. They both look so free, so… themselves, without apologising.
I realise that's exactly what I want.
I make a decision.
Arun is chatting with a few New Higgs girls he knows from the play when I find him.
“Sorry girls, but I’m gonna have to borrow him for just a second,” I say, which I thought sounded pretty cool but might have come off as being a bit of a dickhead. I grab Arun by his wrist and pull him into a side room with the washer and dryer - which I think is a bit odd for a whole room, but the Greenes are rich, so I guess that makes sense. I close the door behind us, take a breath, and turn to face Arun.
“Look,” I say, “I don’t know if I’m gay or bi or whatever. I just know I’m not straight. And I like you, like I really, really like you, but I can’t tell you that because every time I try you walk away. So this is me telling you that I like you.”
I catch my breath. My heart is in my mouth. seconds drag to infinity while I wait for him to tell me he doesn't like me that way.
“You like me?” Arun says. There’s a twinkle in his eyes that I didn’t expect, considering I cornered him and poured my heart and soul out to him.
My stomach does a backflip.
“Yeah,” I say more softly, “I do.”
Arun chuckles. “I was never running away,” he says, “You just took too long to spit it out. And for what it’s worth, I like you, too.”
Those four words settle in my veins, a warmth spreading through my body and up to my cheeks. I take a step back, hands limp at my sides. “You like me?” I breathe.
Arun grins. “Isn’t it obvious? Now are you gonna kiss me or not?”
I can't believe this is happening. I grin and I lean in. Our lips meet, and a warmth pools in my stomach. He grips the back of my head while I cup his cheeks, thumbs grazing his cheekbones. There’s nothing in the world except for us. The faint music fades away. We are all that exist.
After what feels like several sunlit eons we pull apart.
“D’you want to go out with me?” I ask.
Arun leans in and kisses me again. “I would love that.” He lays his head down on my shoulder.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I’ve wanted to do this for ages,” he says into my neck. He kisses it. Then he straightens up.
“Come on,” he says, “Let’s see how much of a mess Lewis is already.”
Before he can reach for the door handle the door swings open.
Nick and Charlie are standing in the doorway, Charlie nestled alongside Nick.
“Are we interrupting something?” he quips.
“The room’s all yours,” I say.
Nick looks down at Charlie and they both giggle. Arun and I step outside and they take our place, the door closing behind them.
Arun looks at me. “I’ll race you,” he says.
I take off after him, laughing, as we run back to the party.