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For the past five years, Buck has found himself always winding up at the same doorstep. He does it subconsciously, following the roads that lead him here. He has memorized every turn and stoplight, every street sign and pothole that guides the way. How can he not? Especially when every bump in the road and telephone pole leads to one of the only constants he has in his life.
The coolness of the Summer night air comforts Buck as he gently knocks on the door twice. Even though a spare key was given to him years ago, he rarely ever uses it, choosing to save it for emergencies only.
It takes less than a minute from when he knocked on the door, to the porch light switching on in its pale yellow glory, then the door gracefully swinging open.
Eddie is not at all surprised to see Buck standing at his doorway in the middle of the night, he only moves aside to allow his best friend inside the house. Something about the Diaz house always immediately makes Buck feel relaxed. He isn’t sure if it’s the faint scent of lemongrass and vanilla that relaxes him or if it’s the Diaz boys themselves that make him feel that way, but there are very few places that make Buck feel genuinely safe and secure and the Diaz house just happens to be one of them.
“Is Chris asleep?” Buck questions as he shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants.
Eddies moves past him to make his way to the kitchen to which Buck follows him, “I hope so, considering he called about two hours ago to say goodnight.”
Buck nods his head, “what about you?”
Eddie gives a playful smile, “I don’t have a bedtime, Buck,” it makes the two of them chuckle at the same time, “don’t worry, you didn’t wake me up,” he clarifies.
“Wait, you said Chris called?” He questions as he sits down at the island in the middle of the room.
“He’s staying at Hen and Karen’s for the night. Denny got some new game console thing and invited him over for the night to play with it, which truthfully I think Christopher needs less of video games, but, hey, what do I know,” Eddie rambles then asks, “Beer?” already getting ready to grab two bottles out of the refrigerator.
Buck shakes his head, “Just water for now.”
Eddie turns with a raised eyebrow and a semi-concerned look on his face. “Just water? Must be serious then,” he says as he grabs the water pitcher out of the fridge.
Buck watches Eddie closely as he grabs two glasses out of the cupboard and starts to pour water into each of them. “What must be serious?”
“Whatever you want to talk about,” Eddie says as he slides one full glass towards Buck, “or don’t want to talk about.” He brings his own glass to his lips as he awaits some sort of response from Buck.
It does not come immediately. Eddie doesn't expect it to.
This rapport they have is not like the kind either have with any of their other friends or family members. For Buck and Eddie, they are able to rant to each other about anything and everything that might be eating them up inside without having to get a lecture from the other or some sort of lesson that needs to be taught in return.
Then there are the times when they don’t want to talk about whatever is bothering them, but they also don’t want to be left to their own thoughts screaming inside their head until they feel like they're going insane. And so, they always run to each other, either for the weight to be lifted off of their chest or for the comfort of being in silence with someone they trust.
Buck doesn’t know which one he needs tonight. He brings a finger to his cup and watches a heavy drop of condensation slide down the outside of the glass until the cold liquid hits his fingertip.
Buck sighs, “I still don’t have a couch,” he says as he glances back up at Eddie who is now leaning his back against the counter opposite of him.
Eddie nods his head and clicks his tongue as he recalls Buck telling him about his couch shopping date in passing a few days ago. “That’s right, you were supposed to go with that girl from the funeral home,” he takes another sip of his water, “I’m right to assume it didn’t go well considering you’re here and still don’t have a couch.”
Buck shakes his head as he rests his cheek in the palm of his hand, “we sort of got into an argument at the store about which type of couch fabric is the best,” he takes a moment to recollect the events that happened in the middle of that furniture store, “she made this whole point about how velvet is the best choice because it’s what the interior of most coffins are, so why not prepare for my final resting by buying the same fabric of couch that my coffin will be.” Eddie stays silent as Buck rambles on about his day, but the way his face is twisted in a mix of concern and disgust speaks volumes.
“So, I sort of freaked out about it,” Buck continues, “like I don’t want to live with having a couch that is only going to ever be a resemblance of my death, and I’m not sure if I really want to have to be involved with someone who is only fascinated with death and takes interest in my own.” Buck takes a deep breath and rubs his face in an exhaustive manner.
Eddie raises an eyebrow at his best friend, “and you told her that?” he questions.
“Oh, yeah.”
“And what did she do?”
Buck sits up straight, looks Eddie dead in the eyes, and says, “She walked out on me,” after a beat, he adds, “ Again .”
“You didn’t go after her?” Eddie questions even though he already knows the answer.
Buck shakes his head, “I learned a long time ago not to chase after someone who is always going to think you look better in the rearview.”
Eddie sighs at that, “Sorry, Buck. I know you really liked this one.”
Buck takes a moment to sit on his best friend’s words. “Yeah,” he starts, “maybe for all the wrong reasons, though.” He adds quietly as he goes back to staring at his still full glass of water that is dripping condensation onto the dark surface of the island top.
Buck knows that Eddie has questions that he so desperately wants to ask, yet he stays silent, stays waiting. Waiting for Buck to come to him, to open up to him on his own time.
The only thing is Buck doesn’t know where or even how to start. So far this whole year has seemed to be such a blur and also so hectic he finds it hard to keep up with everything. Did it all start with Taylor moving out or was it when that man died right before he could reveal the secret to happiness? Did something shift in him when he decided to be a donor for Kameron and Connor or was it the ever so aching betrayal and hurt of being left again by another potential girlfriend?
There really is one thing Buck does know for sure; nothing has been the same since that bolt of lightning stopped his heart, and he hasn’t been the same since he woke up from the coma.
Eddie said that himself, weeks ago in the middle of that cemetery. Back when he thought that Natalia saw him, when in reality she only saw his death and revival more interesting than who he actually is; or at least used to be.
“You were right,” Buck starts, “you are right. About me not being the same since it happened.”
Looking back up at Eddie, Buck only finds a remorseful look now plastered on his face. “Buck,” Eddie starts with a sigh.
“No,” Buck is quick to stop him before he could even really start, “just- just let me finish. Please.” He can tell that Eddie wants to protest, but he bites his tongue and nods his head.
Buck takes a moment to close his eyes and take a deep breath before he has to finally allow someone inside of the mess his mind has become since the beginning of the year. It’s difficult opening up to someone, to allow yourself to be vulnerable around another person even if they are someone who you would easily live and die for.
And even if Eddie is someone who Buck trusts with his entire being, it is still so hard being so emotionally and mentally exposed even though he has seen Buck at his best and worst, his highest and lowest points. But at the same time, there is no one else in the world who Buck would choose to go to with this weight that has been dragging him down for a long time now.
As hard as it may be to talk about this with Eddie, it’s also so easy to do because it’s Eddie .
“I haven’t been the same since it happened, but honestly I’ve felt so lost for a while now. I mean like way before I climbed up the ladder that night.” Buck brings his hand up to motion to the top of his head as he says, “It’s just been so loud up here, and it's felt that way for a while but recently it seems to have progressively gotten messier and louder.” Eddie has been there, Buck has seen Eddie there before, so he knows that Eddie can understand what that feels like.
Never being able to shut up your own mind. All of your worst thoughts about yourself being on a constant loop like a broken record that you can never turn off. You can’t escape your mind- not in a healthy way at least- not even in your sleep are you free because the self-deprecating thoughts and agony slip into your dreams turning the sweetest of them into inescapable nightmares.
“Ever since that call at the convention center, ever since Lev died right when he felt he found the secret to life and happiness, I have been trying so hard to find what he somehow found in his very last moments,” Buck continues, “I thought that if I could give happiness to other then that would give it to me in return. Being a sperm donor for Kameron and Connor, I didn’t only do it because I could, but because I knew that it would give them the family and joy that they craved. And it did make me happy being able to do something like that for two good people who deserve it,” Buck takes a moment to sit on his thoughts.
Silence fills the room for a minute, then two, then three.
“ But,” Eddie says, encouraging his friend to continue.
Buck takes a deep breath. “But then I died,” ocean eyes catch the heartbreak that shimmers in rich brown ones, “I died not finding what I was searching for. I’m not saying I regret doing what I did for Kam and Connor, I would do it a million times over if I had to, but that happiness didn’t fulfill me in the way I was hoping,” Buck shakes his head in disbelief as he says his next words, “and then I got a second chance. I got a second chance at finding what I needed, but like an idiot, I took advantage of my situation. Instead of dealing with what I went through I just jumped feet first into something with someone who saw my trauma as something sensational.” Buck actually then scoffs at his own stupidity.
“Can you believe that?” He continues as he shakes his head, “The only reason I wanted to jump into a relationship with Natalia was because she only took interest in my trauma. And then I had the actual fucking nerve to say that she saw me for who I am and what I’ve been through,” Buck dryly laughs at his own words, “the truth is that I liked that she didn’t actually know me or even see me. I liked it because with her I didn’t need to actually be me, I only had to be the guy who got struck by lightning and died for three minutes.”
“And seventeen seconds,” Eddie adds with a teasing smile and a small chuckle which makes Buck laugh in return.
“And seventeen seconds,” Buck repeats his friend's words. He takes a moment to recollect his thoughts before continuing.
“I almost didn’t come back,” Buck says before he can even think about stopping the words from spilling from his mouth.
“No, we weren’t going to let you die, Buck. Hell, I would have done CPR on you for hours if it meant your heart would start beating again.” Eddie responds.
Buck gives a weak smile then says, “from the coma, I mean,”
“My subconscious was trying so hard to keep me there. In that state. I chose to believe that essentially I mattered more, that I was worth more in that life, even though it wasn’t real. I thought I would be worth more if I was just dead.”
Buck swears he can hear Eddie’s heart break the second he processes the words. “You know that’s not true. Right?” He sounds weak, desperate for Buck to know that he is wrong.
Buck slowly nods, “I’m still trying to see that myself.”
There is a moment of silence between the two of them before Buck continues.
“When- when I woke up from the coma, I thought I knew exactly what I needed to be, who I needed to be. Big surprise, I was wrong about that too. And I know you said that I don’t have to be anything for anyone, but what if I don’t know how to be myself anymore?” Saltwater begins to pool in ocean blue eyes while Eddie looks at Buck with so much hurt and heartbreak. “What if when I died a part of me didn’t come back when my heart started again?”
Buck doesn’t bother holding in his tears, he sees no point in it. He lets them fall, lets the warm liquid slip down his cheeks. “And I’m so scared, Eddie,” his own voice breaks at his words, “I’m so scared that I will never be who I was before that goddamn storm. I’m terrified that I’ll never be me again.” He takes a shaky breath as he lets his own destructive thoughts linger in the air- linger between him and his best friend who stands on the opposite side of the kitchen looking back at Buck with tears threatening to spill out of his own eyes.
Neither of them speak for a while. Buck not having anything else to say as silent tears still stain his cheeks, and Eddie probably doesn’t even know what to say to that. He probably doesn’t know how to comfort this broken man who is crying in his kitchen in the middle of the night.
Finally, Buck sits up straight, wipes his eyes, and slaps on a smile to try and break the depressing tension he created in the room. “I, uh,” he clears his throat, “I think I could go for that beer now.”
Eddie takes a moment to collect himself before he makes his way over to the fridge to grab out two beers. He twists off the cap of one and hands it to Buck before taking his place on the opposite side of the island.
“You know,” Eddie starts while Buck takes a sip of his drink, “no one is expecting you to bounce right back after what you’ve been through. Not Bobby or anyone at the 118 for that matter, not Maddie, and especially not me.” He twists the cap off of his own bottle and tosses it on the counter.
Buck only shakes his head, “it’s been over a month since it happened, Eddie.”
“But you haven’t processed it,” Eddie says matter-of-factly.
“I don’t need everyone to keep telling me. I know I died, okay?” Buck retaliates then takes another swig of his beer.
Eddie leans forward against the island, “Knowing and actually feeling it or being able to undertake it are two very different things, Buck.”
Buck doesn’t bother retaliating this time because he knows that Eddie is right.
“You cannot expect to be yourself again when you refuse to acknowledge everything you’ve been through,” Eddie continues on, “being your own worst enemy is a habit you have to learn how to break. Especially when you have so many people around constantly telling you how much you’re worth.”
Buck opens his mouth to speak, but Eddie puts a hand up to stop him before he even has the chance to begin, “I know, it’s not that simple. But this, this right here is a start. You feeling like this has been eating you up for a long time now, and instead of continuing to bottle it up, you chose to actually talk about it. You decided to open yourself up and let yourself be vulnerable without becoming self-destructive. That’s a damn good start, and if you keep doing this, if you keep allowing people in, then you will find that it does get easier,” Buck finished off his beer as Eddie was talking.
Eddie proceeds to do the same before finishing with, “and who knows, maybe if you continue to learn how to see that you are worth more than you think you are, then you will find this whole secret to life and happiness along the way,” the advice sinks into Buck’s brain, but Eddie’s next words burrow into his heart, “just stop trying to find it in strangers and take a moment to open your eyes and see that a lot of what you need and are looking for is right in front of you.”
Buck sits on the words while Eddies moves to grab two more beers out of the refrigerator, twisting off the cap of one before handing it to Buck once more. That’s something Buck has taken notice of that Eddie always does. He always twists the cap of every bottle or pops the lid of every soda can that he hands to Buck. Maybe Eddie does it subconsciously because he has always done the same for Chris. It’s something so small yet so meaningful to Buck because growing up Maddie always did the same exact thing for him.
Now Chim does the same for Maddie, and Hen does it for Karen, Buck has come to notice that Athena even does it for Bobby.
It’s such a simple way to show love, and most of the time it does go unnoticed just because it is such a small act. Right now though, it is practically screaming in Buck’s face. The little metal cap gets lazily tossed onto the counter with the others and Buck cannot seem to take his eyes off of the object.
Something so small. Something that resembles so much care and love.
What you need and are looking for is right in front of you.
Eddie’s words echo inside of Buck’s mind. Those words got added to the only clear part of his brain that he runs and hides to when the loud mess of his self-deprecating mind gets to be too much to handle. It’s filled with good memories, memories that make him feel safe.
Maddie teaching him how to ride a bike with no training wheels. Her always cleaning up his scrapes and bruises whenever he got too reckless growing up. Graduating from the training academy. His first day at the 118. Finding a father figure within Bobby. Maddie coming back into his life. Being able to watch Maddie grow as a person and eventually fall in love with Chim. Them bringing Jee into the world.
A lot of the other memories stored in this part of his brain consist of Eddie and Christopher.
Eddie and him really bonding for the first time with that whole bomb in the guy's leg thing. Meeting Christopher for the first time. Their first Christmas together. Sleeping at the Diaz’s house for the first time. Even the days they spent together when they didn’t even need to do anything but just be with each other are some of the memories he feels the safest revisiting. The will. God , the whole will conversation.
They really became a sort of family in such a short amount of time. Which really confuses Buck in a way considering that that was the same exact reason why Eddie had a panic attack and called things off with Ana. So, why is it so different when it’s Buck?
“Buck?” Eddie says waving his hand in front of Buck’s face which snaps him out of his own thoughts. He looks up at Eddie who has a semi-concerned look on his face. “Thought I lost you there completely for a moment.” He says with a small smile.
“Oh,” Buck says, shaking his head, “sorry, was just thinking.”
“Yeah, you spaced out pretty hard there. Called your name like three times before you finally snapped out of it,” he then pats Buck on the shoulder, “come on, let's go sit in the living room.” He says before leaving the kitchen, making Buck stand from his seat and follow his friend who is now already getting comfortable on the couch.
Buck holds his beer close to his chest as he moves to sit on his designated spot on the navy blue couch. It’s the opposite end of the couch where Eddie sits, and between them is an empty cushion reserved specifically for Christopher. Right between his dad and someone who came into his life not to be just a friend of his dad’s but another father figure.
Buck knows all too well what it is like to grow up not having a father figure present emotionally or mentally, and so being able to be present in Christopher’s life, being able to take part in his growing up is something that he will never take for granted. In a life where Buck literally saves lives for a living, being Christopher’s second father is still the best thing he’s ever done.
“What were you thinking about?” Eddies questions before drinking from his bottle. Buck gives a confused look. “When you spaced out in the kitchen,” Eddie clarifies, “what were you thinking about?”
Buck kicks his feet up on the coffee table, “just my life I guess,” he takes a sip of his beer, “the best parts at least,” he adds.
“The best parts,” Eddie repeats Buck’s words, “and what does that entail?”
A lot of you.
Buck wants to say it.
A lot of you and Christopher, and this little perfect family we’ve grown into.
Buck sucks in a sharp breath. “Didn’t you have a date thing?” He completely changes the subject and watches as Eddie uncomfortably squirms in his seat on the opposite side of the couch. “It was with the sister of that guy who buried himself in insulation foam, right?”
Eddie awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. I, uh- I don’t think that’s gonna work out.” He takes a swig of his drink. “She’s nice and all, but- I don’t know. I just still felt like I was performing.” Buck simply nods his head along as he follows Eddie’s words.
“I think I’m gonna heed my own advice and not try to date someone from a rescue,” Eddie pauses for a moment as he lets his own thoughts sort themselves out, “I actually think that I’m just not going to date for a while. It’s gotten so much harder these past few years. And I’ve always felt when I go on dates I just get projected out of my body and become someone I don’t even recognize. And it just feels so weird having to open up yourself to a stranger not knowing if it’ll last and if it doesn’t you just have to keep doing it over and over again.” He shakes his head and tips his head back as he finishes off his beer.
“Yeah, I think that’s the whole point of dating, Eddie,” Buck says, biting back a laugh when Eddie shoots him an annoyed glare.
“But, I get what you mean,” Buck continues on, “you just want someone you already know, and someone who knows you. Like really knows you. Someone you don’t have to hide from because they love every single part of you,” Buck isn’t sure if he’s talking in general or more about what he wants anymore, “someone who sees all the good, the bad, and the annoying and still doesn’t once think about leaving, not even as a throwaway thought.” Buck’s voice starts to soften as the words continue to spill out of his mouth.
“Someone who brings out the best and worst in you and still loves you because they don’t know how to stop. They stay even when the worst days seem endless. They’ll always pull you back from the darkness. They’re the first one to jump in the water to save you when you’re drowning. They bring sunshine when you feel you are constantly under storm clouds. They’re your lifeline,” Buck furrows his eyebrows as he feels a familiarity in his words, “they remind you who you are and how much you’re worth.”
Opal eyes meet hickory.
Buck’s breath gets caught in his throat.
Oh. Oh .
It hits him so hard, Buck swears the air gets knocked out of his lungs as his heart pounds against his chest so hard he feels as if he can actually hear it as it reverberates throughout his entire body.
Eddie stares back at Buck with realization, surprise, and something else that Buck cannot quite place. Hope? Longing? Expectation? Buck has no idea, and he doesn’t have the chance to even explain himself or ask questions because Eddie is standing up.
“Right,” he says awkwardly, making Buck look up at him with a hint of sadness and confusion twisted on his face, “more beer then,” he says before stepping over Buck’s legs and disappearing into the kitchen.
Buck is left alone with his muddled thoughts. He really just basically described Eddie as what he really wants in a partner to Eddie’s face! He can’t even sit here and lie to himself by saying it’s just a coincidence or a misunderstanding because, in all honesty, this isn’t even the first time Buck has entertained the idea of what it would be like if he and Eddie broke the borders of a simple platonic relationship. The thoughts- the blatant yearning- usually come and go in passing. Normally, Buck can just brush it off and not really look into the meaning of it.
But now. Now the past five years worth of unknown pining and suppressed thoughts and feelings have come back full force expecting to be sorted out and explained before the sun begins to rise over Los Angeles’ horizon. Buck doesn’t even have the chance to think about where to begin because Eddie is coming back with four more bottles of beer skilfully being held between his fingers.
He places two down near Buck’s feet on the coffee table- the caps already twisted off of them and only balancing on the rim- then once again steps over Buck’s legs before sitting back down on the couch, this time a little bit closer to Buck. Not close enough where anyone would really notice, but Buck can’t help to. His mind now seems super hyper aware of every action Eddie makes, like sitting just a bit closer to him.
Buck quickly finishes off his second bottle then leans forward to grab another and put the empty one in its place. Silence fills the room. Buck doesn’t know what to say or if he should even be the first one to say something, and by the amount of silence surrounding them, Buck can tell that Eddie is most likely thinking the same.
So, they both drink in silence. Only a few minutes pass but it feels like hours. Buck’s mind is racing, telling him that he inevitably screwed everything up between him and Eddie. How things are never going to be the same now, how they’re never going to be the same. He always screws everything up, and so he has to do the only thing he knows how to. He has to be the guy who likes to fix things.
“You know that I really didn’t have a family growing up,” Buck eases into it, “I mean I had Maddie and it was good just the two of us, but then she ran the first chance she got and that was the first time I ever felt alone. I didn’t have parents who even cared about me, and the only person who I felt actually loved me left.” He pauses for a moment to sort out his thoughts and where he is trying to go with this.
Buck clears his throat, then continues, “I never thought I’d actually have that kind of love again. When I left for good, when Maddie gave me a one-way ticket out of our parents' clutches, I thought that that was it. That I was never going to have a family again. I bounced around a lot, trying new and different things, but never really sticking to one place because it never gave me what I was looking for.”
“And then you joined the 118,” Eddie says, guessing that this was where the story was going.
Buck smiles softly, “Yeah, then I joined the 118. Then, for the first time in my life, I actually felt like I belonged. Then you came along,” Buck takes a moment to glance over at Eddie who has a softness dancing around in his big brown eyes, “and you brought Christopher with you, and it actually felt for the first time in my life that I had an actual family. We all came from different backgrounds, all have different stories, but we found each other, and I feel like that was always meant to happen for us.”
Buck chuckles to himself as he recalls a memory from years ago, “Our first Christmas knowing each other, when you and I took Christopher to go see Santa. This lady dressed in an elf costume, she came up to me to tell me that we have an adorable son. And I- I didn’t even correct her, just said thanks and walked off. We hadn’t even known each other for that long but I didn’t stop to say that Christopher wasn’t actually mine, because…” Buck then trails off, not daring to say what he so badly wants to in case of it offending Christopher’s actual father.
Buck nervously looks over at Eddie, but there is no hint of anger or offense in his eyes, instead his features are soft as if he is touched by Buck’s words even if he hasn’t finished them. “Trust me, Buck, I’d be more offended if you didn’t see Christopher as your own.” Warmth fills Buck’s entire heart right as the words leave Eddie’s mouth.
“I guess what I’m trying to really say is that what we have at the 118 is something that saved me, but what we have- you, me, and Christopher- it’s something that brought me back to life, it’s the sort of family I’ve always wanted,” Buck can once again feel tears brimming in his eyes but this time he tries to hold them back, “it’s something so rare, something that I never thought I would ever have much less deserve. And honestly, Eddie, I don’t ever want to lose it. Not this family we created, not Christopher, not you .” Buck feels the tears slip down his cheeks, for the second time tonight he finds himself crying.
Eddie takes this moment to move himself closer to Buck, then places a hand on his leg to try to give him some physical comfort before emotional comfort begins. “No one ever said anything about you losing me or Christopher.” Buck wants to believe that, he really does, but in his mind he can only hear his own thoughts turning against him. Saying that it’s a lie and that any second now Eddie is going to turn away and leave Buck behind like everyone else does.
“Buck, look at me,” Eddie says, and immediately watery blue eyes meet Eddie's soft features, “I’m so painfully serious when I say that there is no way in hell I’m ever going to let you out of this family. You’re not ever going to lose Christopher- I mean that’s literally written in my will- but you’re sure as hell not losing me either. You’re stuck with the both of us for the rest of your life.” Eddie holds eye contact the entire time.
That’s another thing Buck has come to notice over the years. Eddie is not the best at holding eye contact, it’s something that he just seems incapable of doing. Yet, somehow it seems to never be difficult for Eddie to hold eye contact with Buck. Maybe it doesn’t happen all of the time, but it does happen when it matters most.
“What we have,” Eddie continues, “the three of us, as you said, it’s rare. What I wanted in a family, I only thought I could ever have that with Shannon. I mean, we weren’t the best parents, but we were even worse as a couple. I think the only good thing we did together was Christopher. In all honesty, if it wasn’t for him I don’t think Shannon and I would have ever worked out much less get married. We might have been a family but- I don’t know- it didn’t feel real, it didn’t feel right, me and Shannon I mean.” Eddie moves his hand off of Buck’s leg and drops it in his own lap.
“Then you came along,” Eddie states, “and you showed this unconditional amount of care and love for Christopher. You didn’t just treat him as your own but you saw him that way too. I never knew it was possible, something in me just seemed to click. What the three of us have, what you and I have, it’s something I’ve never had with anyone before. Not with Shannon, not with Ana. I never realized before how much I longed for something like this. Not just for me but for Christopher too.” Eddie pauses and takes a deep breath. The look on his face seems as if he’s sorting out the puzzle pieces of his thoughts before he puts the picture together.
“It’s funny,” he continues, “how a good day can turn into the worst day of your life in a matter of seconds.” Buck furrows his brows in confusion at Eddie’s words, not knowing where he is going to go with this.
“And I’ve had a lot of horrible days. Shit, you’ve seen a handful of them. But do you want to know what was the worst of them all? It wasn’t when Shannon left, or when she asked for a divorce. It wasn’t when she died or when I thought I lost Chris for good in the tsunami, it wasn’t even when I found out I lost my entire team and took a baseball bat to my walls,” Buck wants to stop him, he doesn’t want the words that he is thinking Eddie will say next to actually be real.
“Eddie-”
Eddie ignores him and says, “It was when you died. Granted it was only for three minutes and seventeen seconds, but it was the worst three minutes of my entire life- and I’ve been buried alive and shot. I lost it though, I didn’t think clearly. I only saw your body hanging there and I climbed right back up the ladder that had just gotten struck by lightning just so I could get to you. The pouring rain was blinding and the thunder was deafening but I only saw you and I never once looked away.”
“I couldn’t pull you up. I tried to get you up to me but-” Eddie stops himself. He tries to be subtle about the way he sniffles, but Buck catches it. “I don’t know what was more agonizing, the waiting until we got you lowered down to the street, or the way I couldn’t be down there with you immediately. I’m surprised I didn’t break my neck by the way I flew down the ladder to get down to you.” Buck catches the way rich brown eyes become more and more glossy as the words continue to spill out of Eddie’s mouth.
“And then when I saw. Really saw you up close, you’re body there but not you. I swear I couldn’t breathe,” slow tears fall from Eddie’s eyes, “I felt like my whole world stopped. And I couldn’t do anything, no one let me do anything. Not there at that moment at least. The whole time I had to drive the ambulance to the hospital with you dead right behind me, all I could think of was that Christopher lost another parent. That I lost my best friend, I lost you before I even got the chance to really have you.”
Eddie’s words have Buck tearing up for the third time tonight.
“Then we got to the hospital and I took over doing compressions on you. In my head, I was begging for your heart to start again. I was pleading with you in my head to not leave me yet,” Eddie takes a shaky breath, “and you didn’t. Your heart started again, but you still weren’t here. I couldn’t even look at you when you were in the coma. I couldn’t bear to look at all of those tubes inside of you, you hooked up to all of those machines not knowing if you’d ever get taken off of them. Or worse, if you did but not in a way where you’d ever come back to me.”
Both Eddie and Buck sit in silence as they let tears stain their cheeks and emotions run high in the room.
“So,” Eddie says, voice slightly hoarse, “you said that you don’t wanna lose me or Christopher, but that’s never going to happen because I can’t lose you, Buck. You’re way too important to me.” Eddie’s hand slowly makes its way off of his own lap and moves closer to where Buck’s is resting on the navy blue cushion.
Fingers brush together but neither makes the move to actually take it any further. Warmth spreads through Buck’s body. His heart filled with love and his entire being feeling as wanted by Eddie as much as he craves his friend in return.
“So-” Buck’s voice cracks. He clears his throat then tries to speak again. “So, what now?” The question lingers in the air between them for a minute as Eddie thinks about it.
Eddie purses his lips in thought before saying, “I think we finish these beers and worry about the rest tomorrow,” he gives a sheepish smile which earns a chuckle from Buck in return, “‘cause I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of crying tonight.”
Buck nods his head in agreement, “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
By the time they finish their third bottle, Eddie starts to get tipsy. He’s always been more of a lightweight than Buck. They laugh and share embarrassing stories from their childhood. Buck even talks about his adventures after he had left behind his family for good. Most of the things he says Eddie cannot believe.
Buck starts to feel a buzz halfway through his fourth beer, and he finds himself sitting closer to Eddie, so much so that there is no free space between them. His body heat feels warm, comforting, and just right .
“Wait, wait,” Buck starts with a laugh, “you actually shoved Bobby out of the way to get to me after the lightning,”
“Not only that but I think I broke every traffic law in existence when driving to the hospital, and I sort of shouted at the staff when they took you away to treat you.” Both Eddie and Buck fall into hysterics. Their laughter mixed together has to be one of the most beautiful things Buck has probably ever heard in his life.
“Okay, okay. Remember when the well collapsed on you?” Buck questions while trying to force himself to stop laughing.
“Ah, how could I forget! I did almost die,” Eddie chuckles then takes a sip of his beer.
“Yeah, well I literally started digging with my hand in soaking wet mud in the pouring rain trying to get to you. Bobby literally had to pull me away and practically hold me down so I would stop.” They both once again fall into laughter as soon as Buck finishes his words.
They continue on making each other- and themselves- laugh with their stories from their pasts. They talk and laugh until the sun begins to rise, and before they even get the chance to finish their fifth bottle of beer, sleep unexpectedly overtakes them.
~
Buck wakes first. His neck is aching and the sunlight right in his eyes makes it harder for them to adjust to the room around him. When they do, the sight he sees is definitely questionable.
Empty beer bottles litter the coffee table, one that still had liquid in it tipped over in the night and spilled its contents on the surface of the wood and even dripped down onto the rug.
That’s not even the most questionable part either. Buck understands now why his neck is so stiff and his legs ache. He fell asleep sitting up on the couch. Not only that but Eddie never made it to his own bed. Instead, he is sprawled out on the couch, one leg on the cushions, the other dangling off of the edge, and his head resting in Buck’s lap.
Soft light from the sun pouring into the room illuminates Eddie’s features. He looks so soft, so peaceful in the glow of the morning- or afternoon?- sun. Dark brown hair is tousled and dark pink lips are slightly parted as soft sounds of sleep pass through them.
Buck’s breath gets caught in his throat at the sight of Eddie. His heart thumps hard against his chest at the contentment he feels in this moment right here with Eddie sleeping on him. He wants this all of the time. This simple moment is something that he never wants to let go of. There is nothing and no one that Buck has ever wanted more in life.
God, he is so fucked.
Eddie stirs in his sleep. A minute after that Buck watches as beautiful brown eyes blink open. It takes a few seconds of the post-sleep confusion to settle and for Eddie to become aware of his surroundings. That’s when he looks up at Buck who has been shamelessly staring at him this entire time.
Eddie sleepily smiles up at him before confusion then panic sets in.
“Shit, what time is it?” His voice raspy with sleep as he quickly sits up and rubs at his tired eyes before looking around for his phone.
Buck takes a moment to stretch out his aching limbs. “I don’t know, I just woke up too.”
Eddie haphazardly tosses away decorative pillows and shoves his hands between navy blue cushions before he eventually pulls out his phone from the couch. “Shit,” he mumbles. “It’s nearly two and Hen has called me like six times already.” Eddie runs his hand through his hair before clicking to call Hen back.
“Hey, everything is most likely okay. She probably just was calling to ask you when to bring Chris home, and the other calls are probably asking where you are and how mad she is that you’re not answering her. If it was anything serious she would have shown up here.” Buck tries his best to calm down his panicked friend and Eddie nods along trying to sort out his still sleep-foggy brain.
“Hen!” Eddie says into the phone, “what happened? Is everything okay? Where’s Christopher?” There’s a moment of silence, and then Eddie breathes out a sigh of relief.
“Sorry it was just a busy night here, and we slept in,” Eddie responds to Hen, “I know you called a million times, I quite literally just woke up,” another beat of silence, “oh, uh. Can we talk about that later, I’m not quite sure what is happening there yet,” Eddie says, his voice oddly lower than before. “Is there maybe any way that you can keep Christopher until dinner or maybe another night? There’s some stuff I need to work out over here.” Buck’s heart skips a beat as he wonders if he’s the stuff that Eddie needs to figure out.
“Okay, thank you so much. Tell Christopher I love him. And I’ll call you when I know what’s going on,” Eddie laughs at whatever Hen responds with, “Okay bye.”
Eddie sighs deeply as he sets his phone down on the messy coffee table. He rubs his face then looks at Buck for the first time since he woke up a few minutes ago. “We slept on the couch,” he says with a disbelieving smile.
Buck smiles in return, “We did.”
Eddie scoffs then says, “I slept on you.”
“You did,” Buck's soft smile turns into a teasing one. They both know that he’s going to use that against him for the rest of their lives.
“And there is definitely beer soaked into my rug, isn’t there?” Eddie squeezes his eyes shut.
Buck looks over at the tipped over bottle that had liquid pouring out of it onto the table then the floor. He sucks in a sharp breath, “yeah, there definitely is. Sorry.”
“No,” Eddie starts. A fond smile plays on his lips, “no, it was a good night. I just don’t know if I’m ready to clean up the aftermath.”
To Buck that could mean two different things.
The first being that Eddie simply doesn’t want to have to clear the bottles from the living room, or the ones they probably left in the kitchen, and he definitely doesn’t want to assess the damage of his beer-soaked rug and have to spend the day trying to at least get the smell out of it.
The second meaning behind Eddie’s words could possibly be alluding to the emotional mess they made of themselves last night. Vulnerability, realization, and confessions come racing back to Buck and it makes his head spin. So much has happened in the course of one night and he doesn’t even know where to begin to process it all.
“Right,” Eddie says, snapping Buck out of his own thoughts, “you start the coffee and I will assess the damage out here.”
Buck stands, stretches, then grabs as many empty bottles he can fit in his hands before making his way to the kitchen. He swiftly moves around the kitchen, dropping the bottles in the bin reserved for recycling, and starts brewing a fresh pot of coffee.
While he waits, Buck takes it upon himself to unload the dishwasher and puts the clean dishes away, then fills it up again with the dirty ones that were left in the sink overnight. Blue eyes land on the glass of water that sits on the island. It was poured just for him yet sat untouched the entire night and through the morning.
By the time he grabs it, dumps the contents down the drain, and puts it in the dishwasher, the coffee maker beeps signaling that the brewing is done. It feels routine, the way Buck immediately starts making two cups of coffee. For himself, he spoons in some sugar and mixes it around to add the sweetness he likes to the hot beverage. Eddie on the other hand prefers his coffee more bitter but with a splash of creamer.
With both mugs in hand, Buck makes his way back to the living room where Eddie is on his knees slumped in defeat in front of the large beer stain on the rug.
“How we looking?” Buck questions as he hands a mug of coffee to Eddie who eagerly takes it.
Eddie sighs with defeat, “I don’t think it’s worth salvaging if I’m being honest.”
“Giving up before you even tried? Doesn’t sound like my Eddie,” Buck immediately freezes the moment the words slip off of his tongue. He has no idea where they came from or even why he chose those specific words to say. He didn’t even get the chance to catch them before they were spilling out of his mouth.
He waits and anticipates Eddie’s reaction. Maybe he didn’t even hear what Buck said. And if he did maybe he could blame it on him still being a little tipsy which he's most definitely not but maybe Eddie will believe it.
Blue eyes catch the small smile on Eddie’s lips, “yeah well your Eddie is tired and has a headache,” he says then takes a sip of his coffee, “I don’t even think we drank that much last night, yet I think I have a slight hangover.”
Buck relaxes and sighs a breath of relief. Then his heart skips a beat.
He called Eddie his.
Eddie then basically confirmed that he is.
There was no hint of teasing or sarcasm in his voice when he said those words. He sounded genuine, and the smile on his face read as fond and comfortable. Almost as if he liked the sound of being Buck’s.
Buck shakes his head, not wanting to get too ahead of himself.
They haven’t talked at all about what happened last night. They haven’t yet sorted out their feelings for each other. Well, at least Buck hasn’t. He knows that he cares about Eddie, and how that care goes deeper for him than it has for anyone he has ever been in a relationship with or tried to be in a relationship with. It has only been hours since he discovered what that care actually is though, and he has not been able to yet process it.
Honestly, Buck doesn’t know if he’s ever going to get a moment alone to process it, especially if Eddie still wants to figure stuff out today like he said last night and close to an hour ago when he was on the phone with Hen.
While Eddie looks up numerous methods on how to take out beer stains and the smell from a rug, Buck gulps down the remainder of his coffee, burning his tongue in the process. “Is it okay if I take a shower? I sort of smell like beer.”
Eddie’s eyes stay glued on his phone as he reads some sort of article that talks all about alcohol stain and smell removal, “you never need to ask, Buck. This is practically your home anyways.”
Buck swallows down the feeling of his heart trying to leap right out of his chest then turns to head back into the kitchen, setting his empty mug on the counter, and quickly makes his way through the living room and down the hall until he reaches the bathroom. The moment he closes the door behind him, he lets out a long deep breath.
He takes a moment, or two, or three, to collect himself and make his way over to the shower to turn it on. As he waits for it to get to his ideal temperature, he strips down and tosses his dirty clothes into the hamper much like he always does when he stays the night and showers at the Diaz house.
The hot water soothes aching muscles and washes away the rest of the sleep and alcohol lingering in Buck’s body down the drain. The steam fogging up the glass doors even helps clear his mind. Buck spends a minute or two or possibly three just letting the hot water soak into his ivory skin.
Buck grabs his shampoo off of the shelf- it’s funny really, he spends so much time over here that Buck actually has his own hair products and body wash sitting on a shelf reserved just for him. If that wasn’t enough he even has his own loofah hanging on the wall that Eddie even picked out for him because it’s the same shade of soft blue as Buck’s eyes.
While going through the routine of washing and conditioning his hair and cleaning himself with his eucalyptus scented body wash, his mind wanders to Eddie. The warmth he felt when their hands brushed together last night. The way his heart fluttered in his chest when he woke up with Eddie right beside him- with Eddie sleeping on him- and how he craves it to be like that all of the time.
For as long as he has known Eddie, Buck has always felt most wanted around him. He never feels like he has to hide any bit of himself, even the ugliest or most depressing parts. Eddie brings this sort of comfortability to Buck, he brings a sense of safety and a type of love that Buck doesn’t think he has ever felt before.
Love .
Does he really love Eddie?
Platonic love and romantic love are two different things. Buck knows that. He also knows that the past few years he only ever thought he could have the former with Eddie. The thought of a romantic relationship has only crossed his mind in passing because he forced himself to believe that he could never have that with Eddie. That it was never going to be an option for the two of them to be together like that.
Then last night happened, and the universe drove them together to dance on the lines of platonic and more. They both simultaneously chose to walk hand in hand and start breaking the borders of their friendship to get to something more.
Isn’t this all what love is though?
The comfortability. The feeling of safety. Loving the good and the ugly. Seeing the worst days and still staying because the good always will outweigh the bad. Being able to truly be every single part of yourself and not be fearful to show it because they see it all and they love every single part of you unconditionally.
Always in sync. Always ready to pull the other out of darkness. Knowing each other inside and out so much so that you can have conversations without words, and yet always finding something new to talk about. Jumping into danger when the other is hurt. Being that reminder to the other of who they really are when they get lost. Being each other’s lifeline. Bringing the sunlight when the other’s day is stormy. The fights, the tears, the laughter, and breakdowns. Seeing all of it and never giving up on what they have. Going through so much and yet always finding a way back to each other in the end.
Love is all of it.
And Buck…
Buck really does love Eddie.
When he steps out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist- god he even has his own designated towel here- there is a light knock on the door and then it swings open and Eddie steps inside holding folded up clean clothes.
“I didn’t hear you go into the bedroom, so I thought you’d need these,” he says, holding up the clothes before turning to place them neatly on the vanity.
Buck was in such a rush to get himself separated from Eddie to clear his mind that he didn’t even realize he never did grab any clean clothes. Buck takes a moment to look at the fresh set of clothing that was just brought to him and immediately recognizes them as his own, especially the maroon t-shirt he thought he lost. Then he looks into the hamper where his dirty clothes rest on top of the others.
“Do I leave my clothes here often?” Buck questions.
“A lot more than you’d think,” Eddie smiles, “I had to clear a drawer out of my dresser just for your stuff.”
Buck feels as if his heart is about to burst. Eddie has a specific drawer in his dresser reversed just for him. He has his own towel and shower products, hell he even has his own toothbrush and toothpaste here. Buck has a reserved spot on the Diaz couch and at their table. Eddie even said himself that this is practically Buck’s home.
It really does feel that way. Sometimes he swears he is actually more comfortable here than he is at his own loft. Buck had trouble trying to decipher what about this house makes him feel so relaxed and safe. But he knows now. He knows that it’s the people who live here. Eddie and Chris. They’re the ones who make him feel safe. They’re not just one of the only constants in his life, but they’re his home.
When Buck looks back at Eddie, he can’t help but notice that rich brown eyes linger on his bare torso which is still dripping with water from the shower. Then he becomes so painfully aware that he is actually standing here with only a towel loosely hanging from his hips as Eddie shamelessly stares at him.
Buck thinks that Eddie becomes aware of the same thing at the same time because the color on his cheeks deepen into a crimson hue as he meets blue eyes again. “Right, I should- yeah.” He stutters over his own words as he quickly turns away and leaves the bathroom for Buck to get dressed.
Buck takes his time drying off, getting dressed, and brushing his teeth. He takes one last look at himself in the mirror and combs through his damp hair with his fingers to try and give it a bit more volume other than it just lying flat against his forehead.
In the living room, Eddie is now scrubbing at the rug with some sort of liquid concoction he whipped up. “I don’t know which smell is worse, the beer or the vinegar.” Eddie breathes out a frustrated sigh as he tosses the scrub brush to the side.
“Can we talk?” Buck questions, his voice soft and his nerves running high.
Eddie looks up at him, and seeing the look on Buck’s face makes his own features twist into realization mixed with nervousness. Eddie takes a deep breath and then nods. “Yeah, let me just get rid of this,” he says standing to his feet and grabbing the bowl of vinegar and water mixer and the scrub brush.
Buck follows him into the kitchen. As Eddie cleans out the bowl Buck takes it upon himself to be the first to talk. “I don’t regret what I said last night, and I meant every word that came from me,” he starts, feeling the need to clarify that the alcohol didn’t make him reveal any deep dark secret, that he was fully aware of what he was saying- what he was feeling- and meant every part of it.
Eddie turns to look at him, confusion twisted on his face and a hint of hurt in his dark eyes. “And you think I do.” It doesn’t come out as a question, he states it as if it is actually true, if that is what Buck actually believes when in fact it's the opposite.
“‘Cause I don’t, Buck,” Eddie continues before Buck has a chance to, “Every word I said, every emotion I felt, every tear that I cried. I meant it all. And honestly, all of it I’ve been dying to do for a long time.” The hurt in Eddie’s voice is not at all hard to miss.
Buck takes a small step toward Eddie, “I didn’t mean- Not once had it crossed my mind that you did regret it. I just needed you to know that I didn’t because I don’t know if you’ve spent all day so far wondering, trying to convince yourself that I did.” Buck reassures Eddie, who takes a moment to take a deep breath to collect himself.
“What I really want to say is that,” Buck pauses for a moment. What does he really want to say? Does he just jump out with a full blow ‘I love you’ or would that scare Eddie off? He wants Eddie to know that’s how he really feels, but Buck has a history of jumping into things without a second thought- especially relationships- and he knows all too well about how that ends. The last thing he wants is to end things with Eddie before they even have a chance to begin.
“I haven’t been able to fully process everything I said and felt last night,” Buck eases into it, “one thing I have been able to process is the fact that I do feel a certain type of way about you. Something that goes deeper than being just co-workers, co-parents, and something that goes way beyond the means of friendship. That’s something that I want to hold onto for as long as I can. And I don’t want to screw it up like I do everything else because if I lose this- if I lose you-” Buck cuts himself off, not daring to let even his thoughts go to a place he knows he won’t be able to come back from.
“When I said that you’re never going to lose me, I meant it, Buck,” Eddie says, “You’re not the only one who’s scared here. I’m terrified of messing things up and not ever being able to get back what we have right now. But I also know that we’ve come back from worse. We always find a way back to each other because that is what our love is.”
Buck’s heart skips a beat.
“Eddie-”
Eddie smiles and takes a step toward Buck, “I guess I really didn’t make myself really clear last night. I blame it on the beer, and well, fear,” another step, “but one thing I’ve learned over the past few years is that you cannot let fear control you,” bodies barely pressed against each other. Eddie is so close and yet somehow still feeling so far.
“And if I’m still not making myself clear, Evan ,” Buck’s breath hitches, his heart stops, his mind a puddle. Rich brown eyes stay locked on ocean blue ones. “I love you,” Eddie says it so quietly. Only for the two of them to hear, only for the two of them to know.
Buck always believed that people were exaggerating whenever they would say that time felt like it stopped during their most perfect kiss. He gets it now though.
The moment Eddie leaned in to press his lips against Buck’s time gets lost around him. Seconds, minutes, hours all blur into one as two halves of the same soul make their way back to each other. The world stands still as if every being on the planet is collectively holding their breath at the same time, anticipating this very moment between Buck and Eddie and what will come afterward.
Subconsciously, Buck’s hands find their way up to Eddie’s face, while Eddie’s has a comforting hold on Buck’s waist. The kiss remains slow and sweet. There is no rush to it, and neither is trying to gain more access to the other. Lips remain kind and gentle, both starting to breathe a bit heavily through their noses but neither of them make a move to pull away in fear of never getting a moment like this again.
The world melts away as Buck falls deeper and deeper into Eddie’s soft lips. There is no place in the universe he would rather be than right here in Eddie’s kitchen pressed close to his best friend as they discover this new part of each other that they never felt they could before.
Buck never wants this moment to end. This is how he wants to spend the rest of eternity; being so close to Eddie in this tender moment as they remain attached to each other as if nothing else in the universe matters. Everything else will cease to exist except for the two of them becoming one.
Buck blindly chases after Eddie as he pulls away. He keeps his eyes closed though, not daring to open in fear that this was just a dream and when he does come back to the world none of it will have been real.
When he finally allows his eyes to flutter open all of that fear washes away when he sees soft hickory irises looking right back at him. Nothing has ever felt so right before. Nothing ever made the puzzle pieces click so perfectly into place like kissing Eddie just did. No girlfriend or situationship in the past has ever felt like this before. It feels like this is where Buck is supposed to be. Who he is supposed to be with.
“What are you thinking?” Eddies questions softly, searching into blue eyes for some sort of answer.
Buck swallows, “That I love you. And it’s scary but perfect. I haven’t been in a lot of real relationships but this right here is something I’ve never had before. Nothing else compares to what this is, and what it could lead to.” Eddie’s smile is bright and his eyes soft. “What about you? What are you thinking?”
Eddie purses his lips in thought, “I think we just committed a few HR violations, and there might be a stack of paperwork and meetings we might have to go through.”
Buck rolls his eyes and tries to playfully push Eddie away from him but Eddie only grabs his wrists and pulls Buck closer to him. “ And that I really love you, and wouldn’t mind doing that again. Especially considering I’ve been waiting to do it for a long time.”
Buck raises his eyebrows in curiosity, “have you known for a long time? About your feelings?”
Eddie deeply sighs and takes a step back, “no,” he starts, “I mean, I knew that I felt some type of way about you for a long time, but I guess I didn’t really know what it meant or even if I could be…” he trails off for a brief moment, “then I think I realized it when your heart stopped. But I don’t think I started to fully understand- like fully understand- until that day in the cemetery.”
“When I told you that I felt Natalia saw me.” Buck hates himself for that day, for those words spoken.
Eddie nods confirming Buck’s suspicions. “Yeah, I was so angry. Not at you- well maybe a little actually- but more at myself. I just stood there. I didn’t try to put up a fight, I didn’t tell you that I’m right here and that I know you better than anybody else in this world, especially than some stranger who only took interest in your death. I didn’t tell you how I feel or try to. I just let myself stand there as my whole world came crashing down around me, and I felt like I was losing you forever. Again .”
Eddie takes a deep breath then continues, “The truth is, I still don’t know who I am yet or what I am, and I need a lot of time to figure it out and even more time to accept it.” Buck’s heart feels like it’s about to break.
This is the part where Eddie says that they need time apart so he can figure everything out. And that’s okay, because in all honesty Buck would wait for eternity for Eddie if that’s what it took for them to be together, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.
Eddie steps forward and lifts Buck’s chin up so he could look him in the eyes, “but I don’t want to do it without you. You’re always the one to ground me, to make me see clearly, and I don’t think I could do this without you even if I wanted to.”
What Eddie says has Buck’s own words from hours ago ring in the back of his head. “I said last night that my mind has been so loud for a while now, and I don’t really think I realized it until just now but when I’m with you it gets so much quieter. Like something just turns off when I’m around you and I’m able to get some peace for once. I don’t think that’s something that anyone has ever been able to do for me before, especially when they don’t have to do anything but simply exist.”
Eddie brings a hand up to brush a few strands of rogue hairs away from Buck’s forehead. “I’m glad I can do that for you, be that for you. No matter how loud or messy it seems to get in your head, I need you to know that you are worth so much more than you ever have given yourself credit for. It may not seem that way at times, but I’m always going to be here to remind you.” He leans up and once more presses his lips against Buck’s.
Their second kiss is just as blissful as the first, and Buck can’t help but wonder if it will be like this all of the time. He hopes it is.
Buck hums and smiles against Eddie’s lips which then has him pulling away, “you have coffee breath, and still are wearing your clothes from last night.”
Eddie looks down at himself, “yeah,” he softly sighs, “I guess I should shower.”
A mischievous smirk plays on Buck’s lips, “you want some company?”
Eddie rolls his eyes and steps away from Buck, “one step at a time big guy,” he teasingly says as he pats Buck’s stomach a few times, “only because I know that if we go in there together I won’t ever want to get out, and I really do need to call Hen back and let her know what’s going on.”
Buck furrows his eyebrows in confusion, “are we going to tell people?” Buck questions, maybe it’s too soon for anybody to know, and the two of them haven’t even discussed what they are or where they are going yet. And Buck did not expect for Eddie to be ready to tell their friends so soon. “Do you want to tell people?”
Eddie takes a moment to think about it. “No, I mean they’re going to find out eventually, but there is a lot we need to figure out ourselves. I think we should just keep this ours for now. Is that okay?” He finishes off with an apprehensive look, hoping that Buck can see where he is coming from.
And of course, he understands completely, “I’m more than okay with that.”
The smile on Eddie’s face warms Buck’s heart. “Good. So, I’m gonna shower, call Hen, and then we are gonna go on our second date.” Eddie says, then gives Buck a quick kiss, and turns to leave the kitchen.
It takes a few moments for Eddie’s words to process in Buck’s love-hazed mind. He then follows Eddie out into the living room, “second date? When did we have a first?” Confusion written all over his face and is even laced within his voice.
“Poker night, a few weeks ago,” Eddie says nonchalantly, “we got all dressed up and basically scammed everyone for a few steaks. “Ring any bells?”
Buck scoffs, “yeah, but I don’t think that counts as a date if I didn’t even know it was one.”
“Not my fault you couldn’t take the hint,” Eddie says with a teasing smirk.
Buck only shakes his head in disbelief, “alright, if that was our first date then what do you have in mind for the second one?”
Eddie takes a moment to look down at the floor and Buck follows his gaze to see the vinegar and beer smelling stain on the area rug. “You’re helping me pick out a new rug.”
Buck isn’t sure if shopping for home decoration really counts as a date, but honestly, he couldn't care less if it means that he gets to spend more romantic time with Eddie. Then a realization crosses his mind. The reason why he came over here last night comes back to him.
Buck swallows his nerves as he then says, “I mean, as long as you can help me pick out a new couch. I’ve really been needing one.” The last time Buck asked someone to pick out a couch with him it didn’t end up well, maybe because once again he was choosing the wrong couch, and he now knows which one he really needs- who he really needs.
Eddie shakes his head, “I don’t think so,” he starts and Buck feels his heart sink into his chest, “I mean, you seem perfectly comfortable on that one,” Eddie nods to the navy blue couch. At first Buck does not fully grasp what the implications of Eddie’s words mean, but then it hits him, hard and fast and his heart feels like it’s going to leap right out of his chest.
“Eddie-”
“I’m not asking anything of you right now,” Eddie is quick to cut him off, “but if it’s something that you want- if I’m something…”
Immediately Buck is moving toward Eddie with quickness and determination in his steps. Both of his hands gently grasp on his jaw before he presses their lips together. Buck can practically feel Eddie melting against him as the world slips away around them.
Buck doesn’t know how long they stay like that, but when he finally pulls away he is looking right into rich brown eyes that hold so much love and hope in them. “If I still haven’t made myself clear, Eddie ,” Buck says, repeating the words that Eddie himself said earlier right before he told Buck that he loves him, “you’re all that I want, and more.”
As they kiss once more, Buck knows he is never going to get tired of this.
After years of clinging to the wrong lips that belonged to people who never saw the real him, he deserves being able to be fully himself, he deserves to be with someone who not only sees all of him but loves it too and helps bring out every last bit of who he is.
Buck deserves to finally allow himself to have the love that he and Eddie share.
~
Buck knows the drive like the back of his hand.
He has memorized every turn and stoplight, every street sign and pothole that guides the way. He couldn’t help it; not when every bump in the road and telephone pole leads to the safest place he has ever known.
The second he pulls into the driveway, Buck feels as if he is breathing for the first time. This new beginning is something that he has needed for a long time. He grabs a small cardboard box out of the backseat of the passenger seat and makes his way up to the house.
The heat of the afternoon end of Summer sun beats down on him. Buck takes a moment and stops in front of the door, the door that he has been running to for five years. The door that leads to promise, safety, and love. Now it’s the door that leads to home.
He takes a deep breath and balances the box in one hand while he opens the door.
The faint smell of lemongrass, vanilla, and the newest scent of eucalyptus greets him the second he walks into the foyer. The sound of laughter reaches his ears and fills his heart, and then Eddie peaks his head out from the kitchen, a huge smile plastered on his face as he makes his way towards Buck.
Eddie raises his eyebrows and grabs the box from Buck’s arms, “is that it?” he questions hopefully.
Buck smiles brightly, “turned in my key and that is the last box. I’m officially moved out of the loft.” It feels so relieving for Buck to finally say those words.
Eddie’s smile is so big, bigger than Buck has ever seen before. “It’s about fucking time.” He chirps, dropping his voice low with the profanity to avoid having Chris, who is in the other room, hear.
It took two and a half months of fighting, pleading, and negotiation until Buck’s landlord finally caved and let him out of his lease early. That never stopped him from slowly moving his things into the Diaz house anyways. Despite the whole lease situation, it has been the best two and a half months of Buck’s entire life.
Being able to grow and learning how to self love with Eddie has been the best thing for both of them. While they are able to do that together they still have been giving themselves the space they need to do the same on their own. Despite having someone always there to remind you who you are and pull you from darkness, sometimes you need to learn how to be the one to save yourself too and that is something Buck has learned ever since going back to therapy.
He’s still learning, hell they both are, and it’s a long journey to finding content and Buck really thinks he and Eddie have found the road that will lead them there.
Eddie sets down the box in the living room where other unpacked ones reside as well. “I say we go out tonight,” Eddie suggests while stepping closer to Buck and wrapping his arms around his neck, “to celebrate you finally coming home.”
Buck’s hands find their way to Eddie’s hips, “dinner on you? How could I resist that?”
Eddie hums softly, “and maybe if you’re lucky when we get back home I could even give you some dessert.” Buck raises his eyebrows at the words.
“Oh, you know I can’t resist that ,” Buck responds, leaning forward to press their lips together. Warm, soft, blissful, and perfect. Despite months worth of kissing it always feels like they’re doing it for the first time.
“You’re home!” Buck pulls away from Eddie the second Christopher’s voice reaches his ears.
Christopher is smiling ear to ear as he makes his way over to Buck to hug him. “I sure am,” Buck smiles down at Chris while his heart fills with warmth.
“I’m going to miss the loft,” Chris says, pulling away from Buck and moving to sit on the couch, “where I am going to run to when I get mad at Dad now?” Buck has to choke back a laugh while Eddie has a look of offense on his face.
“Well,” Buck starts as he moves to sit next to Chris, “I’m gonna be here all the time now, so if we ever get mad at him then we can always just lock him out of the house.” That earns a bright laugh from Christopher as Eddie just rolls his eyes at the words and moves to sit with the two of them.
“Two of my biggest co-conspirators under the same roof,” Eddie says, “I feel like I might have made a mistake here.” Sarcasm laced within his voice as the three of them fall into a comfortable laughter.
This is it. This is all Buck has ever wanted. All of the search for the meaning of true happiness and life itself had been a waste considering that- like Eddie had said that night months ago- was right in front of him all along.
It’s not quite the happiness he thought he was supposed to be looking for, but isn’t that the best part? It came unexpectedly, it came in such a rare form. It came in a way that Buck never thought he would be able to get the chance to have or even deserve to have. He didn’t ever need to go searching for it because he had it all along.
Years ago on a rescue he was given a piece of advice that he knew would eventually change his life forever, and eventually those words had come back to him in the best way imaginable.
What this is- this happiness he, Eddie, and Christopher have was never something he needed to find because they made it a long time ago.