Work Text:
01.2020
“Are you sure about this?”
Chan’s concern was appreciated by Hansol, but considering it was the 7th time he was being asked the same question he wishes his best friend would just drop it. “Yeah, I’m sure. Why can’t you just support me? Things are hard enough as it is.” He sighed and looked away, not wanting to see the kicked puppy face that Chan probably had at the moment.
“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just… This is a permanent procedure and she was so important to you,” Chan sighed too while looking around as if he was searching for the correct words on the walls “I don’t want you to regret it, or to hurt even more in the future”
Hansol’s expression softened, going for a half smile as he thought it's hard to hurt more than it does right now. “I get you, but what is there for me to do? I was already throwing up roses when we weren’t even done yet and she was still saying she loved me every night before falling asleep.” His eyes were brimmed with tears remembering the first time he felt that specific aching in his chest.
Jeongyeon had ordered takeout for them to watch Chungking Express together. And, as usual, they were finished with the food before the movie had even reached the thirty-minute mark. Hansol started to feel unwell and went to the bathroom, thankfully this time he decided to lock the door, something he wouldn’t usually do. As soon as he reached the toilet he started heaving and soon enough rose petals started to scatter everywhere. He swallowed the blood in his mouth to answer his girlfriend’s are you okay? from behind the door. If she could lie about loving him, then he could say the food made him sick. Funnily enough, Jeongyeon’s favorite flowers had always been roses.
Now at the doctor’s office, with his mom holding his hand, he started to doubt himself. Not about wanting his feelings for her gone, he was set on that, but about the possible consequences. Chan was right in being worried for him, Hansol knew he wasn’t easy to get close to, easy to deal with, easy to love. It took months for him to blossom in his relationship with Jeongyeon, he wasn't sure if he could do that again.
One of the side effects of the surgery could be a struggle with developing romantic feelings for other individuals, which can be as severe as no longer being able to fall in love at all. The doctor said these side effects weren’t as common anymore thanks to the advances in the field, but he still had to sign a consent form to show he was aware and willing to go through with it regardless.
In the midst of his uncertainty, he thought back to his conversation with Chan. He knew he wouldn’t crawl back and beg Jeongyeon to love him. She had already moved on and was even dating someone else, while he stayed there with years of feeling piled up. The enormity of his love brought him down making it impossible to move forward and, quite literally, suffocating and prickling inside his chest.
There was no other option, he knew himself and, because of that, he knew there wasn’t any possible reality where he would just get over it. He was a slow type of lover, slow to fall and slow to let go of. Seeing how much he struggled with repressed feelings, he would still have love spilling out of him long after she would even remember his name.
Maybe that’s how it was meant to be, he thought, all this passion and commitment wasn’t wise. Being so trusting and so giving in love wasn’t safe, but he was in too deep. His prognosis with Hanahaki was bad already, so if not being able to love again — whether because of his own struggles or the procedure's side effects — was his destiny, then so be it. It’s for the better
.
02.2023
Now in his third year at university, a lot had changed but not enough. He lived and learned, got close to different people and drifted away from others, yet Hansol didn’t know where he stood. The surgery probably wasn’t a total failure as he could breathe fine, Jeongyeon didn’t trouble him anymore and he still felt lonely enough to search for crumbs of affection from strangers. It was never the same, though.
Sometimes he cursed himself for not being grateful that it wasn’t the same, but he wanted to feel something. None of his recent lovers were bad to him, they did everything anyone could ask for but Hansol never felt a spark strong enough to even bother trying to go further. He knew the feeling of being used and lied to way too well and he wouldn’t make anyone go through that.
So once again he was in a dilemma: nature vs. nurture. Was loving so difficult now because of his own insecurities or because of the disease? But in the end, it didn’t matter that much, because the challenge of overcoming his own insecurities felt as permanent as the nature involved in a physical illness.
He couldn’t accept the good feelings and intentions of anyone towards him, more than being afraid of not feeling anything again, he was afraid that he would never believe anyone would truly love and care for him like before. He could hear declarations all day long and only be given the best in love, but his hatred for himself would always come first and he would regret ever letting himself slip and get in the way of someone else’s life again.
Unexpectedly, his dilemma finally came to an end and the answer was the golden-haired boy with high cheekbones from his Education classes: Boo Seungkwan. It all started when they had to do a group project together and to Hansol’s surprise, Seungkwan liked him. It was hard to share a class with Seungkwan and not know him, he was the perfect student: always participating, helping classmates and teachers alike.
Hansol, on the other hand, kept to himself and rarely branched outside of his established group, and for that he was surprised about Seungkwan’s interest in him. Seungkwan was too loud, bright, and warm to be close to someone like him. And yet, there he was. Like the sun that so kindly grants its light to the moon, Seungkwan blessed him with his presence and never left.
With more time they spent together, Hansol realized he had Seungkwan all wrong. Not in a bad way, he just believed that someone that radiated kindness like that was full of positivity all of the time, but Seungkwan was petty, nosy, and dramatic and punished himself for everything and anything constantly. The surprising part was that despite having those ugly feelings inside of him, he always managed to be a source of light and guidance to other people.
In that aspect — and in many others — they were basically opposites. Yet the differences between the two didn’t bring them apart, instead they fitted together like puzzle pieces. Where one was lacking, the other could make up for it, and vice-versa.
And they continued like this, month by month getting closer and closer as Hansol grew sure that the surgery didn’t break him. He could lie to himself and pretend he didn’t know what love felt like since it had been so long, but every time Seungkwan looked at him he felt overwhelmed with it to the point he was certain there was no other sentiment worth having.
Unlike the crimson rose petals and blood that would come up Hansol’s throat in the past, Seungkwan felt like daffodils. Bright yellow just like his hair and a reminder that anything could bloom even after the harshest of winters. He wanted to say that Seungkwan’s attention felt like being out in the sun, but it wasn’t fair to how he really made him feel.
Even the sun can burn you after being exposed for too long, and Hansol was sure that no amount of basking in Seungkwan’s presence could ever harm him in any way. It made him wonder if he could ever deserve such affection. How could Seungkwan love him? He had to go as far as getting surgery because someone couldn’t love him back, why would things change now? If even a shitty person like his ex couldn’t love him, how could sweet and ever-so-kind Seungkwan be the one to do it?
Although these questions roamed around his head every day, Hansol decided to be selfish. He tried to pull away and make himself go unnoticed, but Seungkwan would always remember. Always asking him out to eat, sending texts saying “reminded me of you”, inviting him over to his place, and every single time he would hang out with Seungkwan’s other friends he would hear something along the lines of “he talks so much about you I feel like we know each other already”.
So Hansol thought it wouldn’t hurt to be greedy. Taking what he was being given and trying not to think about what it really meant to him. As long as he didn’t feel the suffocation of branches in his lungs or saw yellow petals scattered across the floor, he should be fine.
One time he went to Seungkwan’s house and after they played video games, watched stupid videos on TikTok, and did some gossiping (which was Seungkwan’s favorite activity), they decided it would be good to have a few drinks. Hansol wasn’t big on alcohol but he thought the mood was right for it. Seungkwan usually drank beer, however, on that day he brought a wine bottle. It felt almost romantic. Almost.
Through the thin walls of his apartment, they could hear the soft and mellow music Seungkwan’s roommate, Mingyu, chose as the Friday night playlist. Hansol considered putting his own playlist on speaker, but the songs flowing from the other room felt right for the mood.
They were both tipsy already, almost sleeping on the carpet. Seungkwan had his head laid on Hansol’s chest and he refused to move, scared of disturbing Seungkwan and scared of giving something away. Maybe the way he wanted to thread his fingers through Seungkwan’s honey strands would be too telling. He felt as if he was walking on a tightrope every time he was close to Seungkwan — with alcohol in his system it was bound to get worse.
The worst part was that Seungkwan wasn’t stingy with affection, always draped over everyone at all times. Hansol sometimes felt as though the touchiness was exacerbated with him, but he wasn’t sure if his desires were clouding his judgment. Regardless of the reason, Seungkwan was constantly touching him: massaging his nape, holding his hand when he was bored and wanted something to focus on, hugging him from behind, and so on.
No wonder his brain would choose to focus on all of the different ways Seungkwan touches him when he’s drunk of all times. Suddenly, Seungkwan stopped playing with the strings on his hoodie and started tapping around Hansol’s chest looking for his hands, when he finally found one of them he placed it in his hair. Hansol started to carefully caress Seungkwan’s head. Was he really that obvious? Could Seungkwan hear his thoughts?
As terrifying as it was, he was glad to be able to touch him like this, see the blissed look on his face like a cat getting pet. Only Seungkwan was able to get Hansol out of his trance and back to reality, without even consciously knowing that was what he needed. With the fondness overtaking him and his emotions barely processing anything through his brain, Hansol started speaking. “Sometimes I wish I met you when we were kids.” Seungkwan opened his eyes, he looked like he was close to sleeping, Hansol felt almost sorry. “Why?”
Hansol could picture it in his head, the little Seungkwan he’d seen in photos talking excitedly and sharing snacks with him during school break. He could see them walking home together, Hansol having to look up because back then Seungkwan would be taller than him. “We get along so well, I wonder how much of a difference it would’ve made to have known you for longer. Getting to know each other this late makes me feel like there was so much time wasted.”
Seungkwan sat up and looked into Hansol’s eyes. “Time wasted on what?” It felt like a challenge. Like he wanted Hansol to confess: time wasted falling in love with other people that would only mess with my head, people that weren’t you; maybe if I’d known you when we were young nothing would’ve hurt me and I’d be brave enough to say something by now. “I- I don’t know, it’s just a feeling.” That was all that came out instead.
Seungkwan looked soft under the warm light of the lampshade. “I would’ve liked to know you when we were kids, too. But this is not time wasted, we still have a lot of memories to create together, unless you’re planning to leave”. He pretended to look angry, trying to get a reaction that would diffuse the tension in the room right now. Hansol giggled at the idea and at Seungkwan’s face. “Definitely not possible”
Laying his head on Hansol’s chest again he could hear the remaining of his laughter. “So let’s stay together for a long time then. No wasting.” Hansol still wished he’d been able to dry Seungkwan’s tears and tend to his scraped knees, to know him inside and out in a way that is only possible when you go through growing pains together, but this would do. He just hoped the future memories Seungkwan wanted to create would be the same as his.
Eventually, Seungkwan fell asleep right there on the floor next to Hansol. He tried to memorize every single one of his features, and wanted to see Seungkwan’s constellation of moles when he closed his eyes, his own private night sky. He whispered the lyrics of the song playing next door and pretended that was him being honest.
Funnily enough, considering Hansol’s history, Seungkwan loved flowers. It’s only fair that pretty things attract pretty people. And maybe even funnier is that Hansol was allergic to flowers, or to pollen to be more exact. Still, he didn’t say anything when Seungkwan told him they should go see the cherry blossoms one day when their classes ended earlier than usual. He looked more excited than Hansol had ever seen him, and that’s saying something.
“You’ve never seen the cherry blossoms?” At that Seungkwan made an affronted expression. “Of course I have! Do you think we don’t have them in Jeju?”
“That’s not what I said! It’s just… You seem so excited I thought it was your first time seeing them.” Hansol put his hands in his pockets, trying not to give away how jittery he felt.
Seungkwan’s expression softened. “Oh, do I? Well, I guess I like flowers that much then… Besides, they remind me of you so I think it’s fitting to go see them together”
Hansol’s eyes widened as he tried to put himself together. Flashbacks of the flooding in his lungs came at the same time he dared himself to hope. If Seungkwan managed to notice his little mental breakdown he was kind enough not to mention anything. “Why is that?”
Seungkwan stopped looking at him in favor of staring at the sidewalk they were walking on. “Hmmm… for starters you look good wearing pink.” Hansol could already feel a blush spreading from his face to neck, but Seungkwan wasn’t finished. “Also, I know you’re someone who has a hard time opening up to people and yet we got so close so fast and I feel lucky for that. Like the cherry blossoms that only bloom for a short period of time so being able to see them feels like a small miracle.”
Hansol’s head was static and if he only dared to hope before, now that hope was pouring out of him unrestrained. Outwardly, he just stared forward with knitted eyebrows, unable to see Seungkwan’s red ears and worried expression.
“Are you going to laugh at me? Was that too much?” At that, Hansol gave a flustered smile. Only Seungkwan would say the kindest of words and believe he would receive anything other than gratefulness.
“Of course I won’t laugh at you. You caught me off guard, that’s all. But thank you so much for thinking of me that way, really.”
Seungkwan smiled and his nose scrunched a little “You’re welcome, but it’s not how I think of you, it’s just who you are. Really.”
Seungkwan was the type of person that would give love unabashedly because that was the only way he knew how to be. So full of love it would overflow and since it came naturally to him, he didn’t realize Hansol was always craving it and only a little was already overwhelming. He moved on to ramble about one of his annoying classmates during the rest of the walk like his previous words didn’t shift Hansol’s world upside down.
When they finally arrived at the park Seungkwan insisted on taking multiple photos until he got the perfect one, according to him Hansol “couldn’t take a good picture to save his life” and had to be trained if they were going to spend more time together. It was a windy day and, as expected, Hansol got into a sneezing fit with all the pollen flying around. Seungkwan looked affronted when he realized what was going on.
“Are you stupid?! Why didn’t you tell me you were allergic? We could’ve just gone somewhere else,” Hansol honestly thought Seungkwan’s apprehension was funny and kinda cute. “You wanted to see the flowers so bad I guess I didn’t mind it, also I can just take some medicine when I get home”.
Seungkwan was even more pissed when he realized how entertaining this was to the other “Hansol-ah, really… I wanted to take pictures together but now your nose is puffy, your eyes are red,” Hansol interrupted him not wanting to get dragged any longer. “Is it that necessary for us to take a picture for your Instagram?”
“Yes, it is!” Seungkwan’s answer was loud enough that it warranted weird looks from an old lady walking close to them. Now Hansol was full-on laughing in a way Seungkwan had never seen before, even the melody of his laughter sounded different. At this moment, Hansol couldn’t see the way Seungkwan was looking at him as if he’d been bewitched, and he also couldn’t see Seungkwan’s light cough that made a tiny cherry blossom petal come out of his mouth and blend in next to all the others, as if it had always been there.
And just like that, Seungkwan disappeared. Hansol felt him a little different on the way back home after seeing the cherry blossoms but didn’t think much of it, but now it’s been a week of radio silence and he wouldn’t even show up to their classes together.
Hansol thinks he saw him once in the cafeteria with dark circles under his eyes and a subdued demeanor. Had Hansol been braver, he would’ve tried to speak to him, but the truth is he’s scared this is somehow his fault. He knows there are bigger things in the world, especially in Seungkwan’s world, but he couldn’t help but feel like this was related to him.
Maybe something he said made Seungkwan see how messed up he really was on the inside, Seungkwan knew him better than anyone but maybe it had become too much. The rotten things inside of him he didn’t even want to admit to himself showed through the cracks and that was his last straw. But even with all his fear he had to get answers, the pressure of waking up every day waiting for the familiar feeling in his chest to come back and his floor to be colored yellow became unbearable.
He took the bus to Seungkwan’s apartment and knocked on his door, he didn’t want to be so invasive but considering the lack of online responses he had no other choice. After three knocks a panicked Seungkwan appeared before him: ill like he’d never seen before and yet he still thought he was the prettiest person in the whole world.
“Hi.” Hansol said simply. “Hello. What are you doing here?” Hansol could feel Seungkwan scanning his face trying to predict what was going to happen. “I needed to talk to you, is Mingyu home? I can come at a different time,” “No, no, he’s not. Come in, sorry.” Seungkwan looked apologetic, which was unusual for someone who would never back down on a fight making Hansol the one to apologize first, always.
They sat on the couch and Hansol started “So…” He could feel the sweat on every single part of his body as he rubbed his hand on his neck thinking about his next words.”Um, I’m here because I’m worried about you. You just disappeared and stopped answering my messages and showing up to class and, don’t get me wrong, you look like crap, like you’re ill. And I know your immune system is usually pretty good so something must’ve happened, I don’t know if I did something wrong or if this is something personal that has nothing to do with me, and if that’s the case I’m sorry and,”
“Hansol-ah” Seungkwan cut him off. “Yeah?” He must’ve looked pathetic, puppy eyes and everything just hearing Seungkwan say his name. “You’re rambling.” He sighed trying to collect himself. “I know, sorry.” Seungkwan seemed to be looking through him, mind elsewhere. “You don’t usually ramble…”
“I guess I don’t.” Hansol’s brain could only think of how he didn’t usually do or feel many things before Seungkwan, if only he knew how much he had changed him.
He sighed “I miss you, okay? I’m worried about you and I miss you and I need to know if you want me around or not. You don’t owe me explanations but if you’d like to tell me anything I would like to hear it.” Seungkwan mumbled something along the lines of I owe you more things than you’ll ever know… but he pretended he didn’t hear it. He could unpack that later.
Seungkwan took a deep breath and started “Hansolie, I’m sorry I ran away like that. I didn’t mean to, but things happened and I didn’t have the capacity to react to them like a normal person. You did nothing wrong, okay? I know you’re the kind of person to beat yourself up over these things so I should’ve known better…” Hansol looked attentively at him but didn’t say anything yet, as it seemed that Seungkwan was gathering his thoughts.
“With that being said, I can’t lie to you and say this is not about our… friendship. I realized that we don’t want the same things moving forward and continuing is only going to bring us pain.” Hansol was now more confused than ever. “We don’t want the same things? What do you mean?”
“I knew you’d make me say it out loud and that’s why I was dreading it” Seungkwan rubbed his face and continued “I like you. More than you know. More than a friend does. And my body let me know that it’s not reciprocated, hence the fact that I, as you so nicely put it, look like crap” Seungkwan was making light of the situation but Hansol could see how his eyes were full of tears.
How could he shield himself so much from dangers that didn’t even exist to the point that Seungkwan wasn’t able to see he was all Hansol ever wanted? At this moment he looked at the kitchen counter and saw a vase full of cherry blossoms, they were fresh and the short blooming was over at this point. His memory had never been good, yet he could still hear Seungkwan’s voice in his head “They remind me of you.”
Hansol got closer, put his hands around Seungkwan’s face and kissed him. Sweet, the way he deserves it. Seungkwan stops kissing him and says with a soft voice, barely above a whisper “What are you doing?”. Hansol could say a million different things but they would never come close to describing his feelings. He either never says enough or says too much, so he settles for the simplest answer. “You were wrong, we do want the same things. Maybe I want even more.”
This time it’s Seungkwan’s turn to kiss him and Hansol can swear when he closes his eyes and tastes his lips he can feel golden beams all around them.
The warmth of the sun could never come close to this.