Chapter Text
Seth was floating on air. He hadn't been this happy since his dealer gave him an extra blood bag in his order by accident, but we'll get back to that.
Him and Gerard were getting married. They had been planning their wedding for weeks, wanting the night to be perfect. It was the most thought either of them had put into anything.
Gerard was nervous, what if the strippers got cold feet? Would Seth ever forgive him for hiring unreliable strippers? He was pacing his dressing room when Ray entered with his theme music. "Hey man, how are you doing?"
"I'm freakin' out man!" Gerard yelled, sitting down with his head in his hands. "What if the strippers don't show up?! Seth will hate me!" Gerard's eyes started watering.
Ray sighed to the audience's amusement and put his hand on Gerard's shoulder. He looked Gerard in the eyes. "Dude," Ray comforted, "The wedding's in the strip club. The strippers don't have much of a choice."
Gerard exhaled in relief.
"The real question" Ray remarked "is whether you scheduled the wedding on your brother's shift." The audience died laughing. Seriously.
"Well, he did RSVP saying he couldn't come because he was busy..."
"Figures" Ray snarked.
"We'll cross that bridge if we get to it" Gerard dismissed. "Anyway, I'm glad that me and Seth are finally getting married. Thanks for being my best man, Ray."
"No problem, dude" Ray smiled. He looked at his watch. "It's almost time. You ready?"
Gerard fixed his tie. "Of course."
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The stageroom at Sleezy's Bar and Grill had been rented out for a most special occasion. The wedding of the century would be held at New Jersey's most undead-friendly strip club and all of the couple's loved ones would be there.
As Britney's 'Gimme More' started playing, the bridesmaids started coming in. But these weren't any ordinary bridesmaids, these were stripper bridesmaids.
It was Thanksgiving night and the bridesmaids were on theme.
There were three bridesmaids all together:
First up in the lineup was "Middle-Aged Gravy"- Recently divorced; This former trophy wife is back in the game and more experienced than ever! Come over and see what a cheap ass ring was holding back for way too fucking long. Resident MILF, but the pussy's still tight. Works on Tuesdays through Fridays 7:30 p.m-1:30 a.m.
Next up, we have a nice young gentlemen by the name of "Didthe Stuffing" - This man is one hunka-hunka burnin' love; but don't worry! Nobody burnt the 'Stuffing' ;) This young man has stamina, charisma and enough endurance to get you through multiple courses ;) Works Thursday-Monday 8:00 p.m-3:00 a.m.
Last up: "Saucy Lil' Cranberry"- Can vogue the house down, has some coke in his purse, has Batsto Village's most beloved pimp wrapped around his finger and has worked as a professional muse for thousands of musicians. Didn't know his brother was getting married at his workplace; thought this was just an oddly specific Thanksgiving shift. Works Monday-Friday 6:30 p.m-5:10 a.m.
All dancers can be found at Sleazy's Bar and Grill: 'The place to go for an undead hoe'
They strutted down the aisle and went to their places: The poles on the left side of the T-shaped stage where they would do their most romantic and sensual routines.
After the bridesmaids, both the best men came out:
Ray was wearing the usual suit he wore to weddings and funerals and things like that. He went to his spot(a spot on the right side of the stage) and watched Mikey, trying to remember how much cash he brought in ones tonight.
The other best man was their dealer (who's name is Shaggy btw) Shaggy had recently avenged his dog John Wick style just in time for his best client's wedding, so he was a bit tired. He took his place next to Ray and smiled because he had made sure to bring mostly ones.
After the song ended, it was time for the couple to make their way out. The strippers stopped twerking and stood still with their tiny bouquets. Mikey gasped as he saw his brother walk down the aisle, at least he could hustle as he attended his zombie brother's wedding. Gerard made his way out to stand next to Ray and Shaggy, who gave him a thumbs up. Gerard was wearing his best skirt/blouse combo with a little bit of lipstick. In the audience, most of the couple's closest friends and family were sitting down on the strip club lounge furniture. They were obviously having a child-free wedding because girl, fuck them kids and fuck you too. Their parents and (non-stripper) siblings were in the front row, along with Pete Wentz, who was wearing a black and red striped suit that he bought with the money he got for provisioning the tri-annual Batsto Village Gangbang. At his side was Patrick Stump, who would normally be working on a night like this, however he had been on paid maternity leave for the past few months due to being knocked up with he and Pete's first child. He was watching Mikey in his cute little outfit on the pole, wishing it was him turning tricks in a shady club while his vampire-zombie brother in-laws were getting married. Pete leaned over to whisper in his ear "Don't worry Trick, once you recover from bringing this little one into the world," he touched Patrick's stomach "We'll have you back in the game in no time. You'll be back on that street corner in no time." Patrick sighed and rubbed his stomach; as excited as he was to be starting he and Mikey and Pete's family, you don't just earn the title "Queen of Bourbon Street" by fucking your way through Mardi Gras and then go straight into the domestic life without a hitch. He was sick of maternity wear, he wanted to be a whore again. Two more months, he told himself, two more months. He leaned back into his seat and focused on enjoying the wedding.
In the second row, the rest of Pete's hookers sat. They were very tired after the tri-annual Batsto Village Gangbang(those poltergeists were INSATIABLE) but their wallets were full and they were happy.
The third row held the rest of their friends and family, as well as the clowns and furries hired to tend bar and serve Hors d'oeuvres/appetizers respectively.
Everyone was quiet, waiting for Seth to walk down the aisle. Everyone turned to look as 'The Golden Girls' theme song started playing. There was Seth, dressed to the 4 1/2 's in a bedazzled white halter dress with green lace gloves and a bedazzled yarmulke. Gerard almost started crying, he was so happy that he could have died a third time. He was getting married to the light of his life with all the creatures he cared about around him ,all in one strip club! Could you blame the guy?
They met at the end of the aisle and joined hands. They looked at each other with enough love to defeat the forces of queerphobia. They had nearly reached heaven, together.
"Dearly beloved," Began the officiant "We are gathered here today in order to shake ass and throw 1's 'til we faint. But more importantly, we are celebrating love between two immortal beings. Seth and Gerard have invited everyone here to witness as they declare their undying love for each other before legally tying themselves to each other for as long as divorce takes to rear its ugly head. Tonight, they enter as two beings in love, they leave as two beings in love with tax breaks. Gerard, your vows?" Gerard pulled out the index card he wrote his vows on. "Got them" He cleared his throat.
"Seth- when I first met you, I was like: 'smash'. Then I got to know your amazing personality and THEN I was like: 'SMASH' There is no other being I would rather spend my immortality with. I love you."
The officiant turned to Seth. Seth took out his vows.
"Gerard, the first time you ate my ass, I knew you were the one. The way you are so attentive and caring makes me feel so safe and loved. I can say without hesitation that you are the light of my life. I love you too, baby. Smash."
The officiant had honestly heard worse vows. She yawned. "Now we will sign the marriage certificate, connecting these two individuals for good." Seth and Gerard both took the pen and signed their names, bestowing their signatures with their hopes, dreams and promises for the future. The officiant cleared her throat.
"Do you, Gerard Arthur Way, take Seth Aaron Rogen to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do" Gerard answered with tears in his eyes.
"Do you, Seth Aaron Rogen, take Gerard Arthur Way to be your legally-bound dick appointment with romantic benefits?"
"I do" Seth answered with pure joy.
"Then by the power invested in me, I know pronounce you man and boy-toy. You know what to do."
Seth broke the glass and kissed Gerard.
Everyone clapped, everyone was so happy that g-d-awful ceremony was over! The strippers could get back to it!
Then it was time for the Hora. Everyone hoisted the undead newly-weds in the chairs up and started dancing, for this was a time of celebration and love. After that, it was time for speeches and blessings. They consisted of the normal "happy for yous" and "love conquers all" BS you find in wedding speeches. Nothing really worth going on about (however Didthe Stuffing gave some pretty solid marriage advice)
"Praised are you, Spirit of the Universe, who keeps us alive, sustains us, and brings us to this moment. Amen"
And with that, the party could officially begin!
Everything went great. The strippers were raking in the bills, champagne was being poured and the undead couple were gayzing(ha) into each others eyes lovingly. The bar and appetizer/Hors d'oeuvres rotation was going swimmingly and The hookah next to the bar was getting used just as much as the poles.
The wedding was a big hit.
*Cue 'Let the Light In' by Lana Del Ray*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJlQ4jt5Fz4