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Makoto enjoyed these quiet moments. His life was awfully hectic, which he wouldn’t change for the world- but still, he loved curling up on the couch, watching the crappy re-runs of an old tv show he had insisted his boyfriend would enjoy (and he very well might, if he actually gave it a chance).
Byakuya sat with him, laying out on the couch and leaning against his chest. It was nice, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing, his heartbeat faintly thrumming on in a comforting, constant rhythm. He was here, and he could wrap his arm around him and hold him close, and he could idly card a hand through his soft, pretty hair, and Byakuya would only sigh contently against him.
He enjoyed the quiet, but something about the silence felt strange, today. Byakuya wasn’t watching the tv, or looking at him, but staring at a point on the wall behind him- there was a distant, hollow look in his eyes that made Makoto feel uneasy. It wasn’t unusual to sit in silence with him, but something about the quiet enveloping them now felt a little less comfortable than usual.
“...Byakuya?” Makoto mumbled. His hand gingerly rubbed circles into his scalp.
Byakuya didn’t look away from the wall. “Hm?”
“Are you ok?”
It was silent for a long moment, and Makoto almost thought he hadn’t heard of him. It wasn’t until he opened his mouth to ask again that Byakuya finally spoke. “Makoto,” he began, narrowing his eyes slightly. “How did you know that you were a man?” He wasn’t sure whether he was imagining the rapid heartbeat against him.
Makoto blinked. He certainly hadn’t been expecting him to ask that. “Oh… Well, uh, I think it was something I always sort of knew. Even before I knew how to put it into words, I always sorta felt like that’s who I was.” Byakuya still wasn’t looking at him. Makoto wasn’t sure what he was looking for from his answer, but the prolonged silence made him uneasy. He went on. “It wasn’t really anything major, I guess. As soon as I learned what it meant to be trans, I think I just sort of knew that that’s what I was. Er, why do you ask?”
He almost didn’t expect Byakuya to answer him. He was being unusually quiet, even for his standards, and if he didn’t feel like explaining himself, he wouldn’t push him.
But finally, Byakuya shifted to rest his head against Makoto’s chest. “What if…” Byakuya started quietly, and Makoto could hardly remember ever hearing such uncertainty from him before- “What if I was a woman,” he asked, although it felt much more like a statement than a question.
Makoto curled a pretty golden lock around his finger. He really hadn’t expected him to say something like that. “Hm… you’d make a pretty girl, I think.”
Byakuya looked up to glare at him. His cheeks were red. “Stop talking. It was a serious question.”
Makoto smiled down at him. “No, I mean it. You’re awfully pretty, you know?”
Byakuya huffed. “That isn’t what I asked you, Makoto.” He rolled over so that Makoto couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore. “I’m not sure if it’s worth it.”
“Hm? What do you mean by that?”
“Don’t you think it might be more trouble than it’s worth? I don’t want…” He struggled to find the right thing to say, for a moment, which was unlike him. “I don’t want people to view me any differently. I don’t want to become a woman. I only wish I already was.”
“Mm… but then isn’t it kinda like you already are a woman? You know, like… the way I think about it, I was never really a girl, even when that’s how everyone saw me. Even when I didn’t know how to describe it.”
Byakuya sighed. “It isn’t that simple, though. I may know it, but can’t say the same for everyone else.”
He thought for a moment. “I don’t know what everyone else would think. I don’t think too much would change, not really. You know none of our friends would think any differently of you. I can’t imagine much would change at work, either. You’re pretty powerful and important, no matter what…” He didn’t feel like he was being very helpful.
“But-”
“I know it isn’t that easy…” He took a deep breath. “You’re right, there are always going to be people who don’t…” Olive eyes clenched shut. It had been hard for him, socially, and he had just been an average boy- He couldn’t really imagine the pressure someone as well known as Byakuya might face. “Sometimes people don’t understand. It’s- It’s hard. But it’s worth it. And you have people who are here for you.”
“It’s just that-” His voice was strained, just slightly. “I’m not unused to others being against me. I’m not unused to being criticized for who I am. But I’ve always had my name.”
The way his voice cracked made something inside Makoto ache. “I know… but you still have your name. You’ll always be a Togami. You’re still the Togami. I think after all you’ve done to get to where you are now, you deserve to be recognized as the Togami you actually are.”
“Such a stupid, sappy sentiment,” the heir groaned, but he could hear a little bit of that tension melting from his voice.
“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true,” Makoto replied softly. “Like I said, it’s hard. I know you know that. But we both know you can do hard things.”
He didn’t really feel like his vague words were much help, but he was glad to feel Byakuya relaxing into him, if only slightly. He pulled him just a little closer.
“... and I suppose you’d have to deal with long, blonde hair shedding all over the house. And you’d probably have to do a lot of shopping, for clothes and stuff… If, uh, that’s the direction you want to go,” he rambled on.
Byakuya huffed, warm breath tickling his neck. “You’d have to deal with all that too, you know,” he muttered. He was definitely smiling now.
“I don’t mind,” he said warmly. “That sounds nice. I’d like that.” He looked into familiar blue eyes. He liked looking at him, and being looked at. “...oh, is there a different name you want to go by? Do you want me to, uh, use different pronouns for you now?” He felt a little awkward asking questions like this. He didn’t exactly know what he was doing, even now.
“Not in front of anyone else. Not yet.” A deep breath. “But here, I suppose you could. Call me Polaris.”
Makoto grinned. “Yeah, ok. You’ve really been thinking about this, huh? That’s a nice name.”
Polaris rolled her eyes. “Of course I’ve been thinking. I know that might be a strange concept for you, but I actually do like to think through things before taking action.”
“Yeah, I know,” Makoto chuckled. “But really, I like it. How long have you been sitting on that name?”
“...I’ve had it in mind for a while, now,” she replied vaguely. “Did you not before? Know you wanted to be called Makoto?”
Makoto rubbed her back gently, slowly. “Oh, well. I never actually changed my name. It worked both ways, I guess. I like it.”
Polaris hummed thoughtfully. She glanced over at the tv, finally.
“You could probably borrow some of my old stuff, too. I don’t think any of my clothes would fit you, but I probably have some old makeup lying around, somewhere…”
Polaris shot him a questioning look. “Do you still have any of that stuff? Why in the world do you still have makeup from before you transitioned? Do you ever throw anything away?”
“Oh, no, it’s not that old. Back from when I did theatre in middle school. But, uh, I’m sure I still have a lot of stuff from back then. I gave a lot of my clothes and stuff to Komaru. We didn’t really have enough money to get rid of it all.”
“Middle school? That’s still far too long. It must be expired beyond recognition now. You didn’t give that to Komaru?”
“Makeup can expire…?” Makoto asked. “Well, I didn’t want to get rid of it… What if I needed it? I’d just have to go and buy more…”
Polaris grumbled. “I don’t want your cheap makeup anyways. I already have my own. Obviously I was overestimating you, expecting you to notice something like that…”
“H-huh?” Makoto glanced down at Polaris, worried he had hurt her feelings, but she was looking back at him with a fond smirk.
“My ignorant Makoto,” she grumbled overdramatically, nuzzling further into his chest.
Makoto wrapped his free arm around her and looked down at her warmly. He was glad she had felt she could come to him with this. He couldn’t imagine his classmate of a year or two ago being so open about her feelings and her doubts, but he was glad she was letting him help her now. He was glad she was here with him, so warm and relaxed in his arms.
“Heh… sorry,” he chuckled, letting his head rest on top of hers. He liked the way her hair brushed against his nose. “And you’re my… uh, my pretty Polaris.”
“Stop talking. You sound like an idiot,” she grumbled into him. Makoto was pretty sure he could feel her smiling against him, though. He kissed the top of her head gingerly and let his eyes fall shut.
It was awfully nice, sharing these slow, quiet afternoons with his girlfriend, he thought as he drifted into sleep.