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The thing about love — is that Dazai wasn't even sure what exactly it was — even once he supposedly ‘felt’ it. As he laid by Chuuya's side in the other's bed, clearly after a passionate night, there was one question ringing in his head over and over again like a never-ending migraine.
What was it that he was feeling exactly?
When people describe love, they say many things.
There is never a definite answer.
But the thing about Dazai, is that he couldn't even match a single one of those definitions. He could very much live just fine with Chuuya gone. Dead. Or alive, but at the other end of this world. He doesn't need Chuuya to be happy. The concept of happiness was too deviant to ever be achieved. Too weak to be desired. He doesn't care if he wakes up to the redhead by his side or not. He doesn't care if Chuuya has sex with someone else or kisses another person. Why should he care? If the redhead would willingly choose to ever do so, then Dazai wouldn't kneel and beg and make a joke out of himself due to the other person's lust.
Was it lust that he was feeling?
Mori often told him that he loved Elise. However, how could one man love a child in such a devious way? There was no other explanation than twisted desires confused with love and attachment. In Dazai's case, could it have been that he merely craved physical attachment to Chuuya? No. No way. Because most of the time, Dazai wouldn't even be the one to initiate them sleeping together. In fact, he hadn't organized a single date, or a meet-up, or a kiss. It was always Chuuya leaning in — almost like a desperate puppy for its owner's love — and Dazai accepting it. Never refuting. Never giving. Never wanting.
Do I even love Chuuya?
Suddenly, the petite form by his side moved left and right, until eventually turning to face the brunet. The one thing that the detective did always appreciate about his boyfriend is the other's beauty. Chuuya had absolutely gorgeous azure eyes that could easy be mistaken for a siren's. Perhaps, Dazai was meant to be under a spell, but wasn't human enough to be affected.
"Can't sleep?" the redhead mumbled; those long lashes fluttering as the irises pierced right through him like knives. Any other person would be intimidated, but not him.
"Yeah. But you should." His reply was dry, and cold, lacking emotion. But he merely had no reason to be who he wasn't. There was no need to wear a mask that he would wear at the ADA office or with his other friends from outside work. If Chuuya was so willing, he'd accept anything that Dazai would give him. Even the raw, the freezing, and the sharp.
"Why don't you talk to me instead of bottling up everything like you always do?" The redhead grumbled, and sat up a bit while resting his chin on his palm, "You always do this. Over, and over, and over again. Out with it already."
"It is none of your business, Chuuya." Even though Dazai chuckled as he said that, the sourness poured right through the words. The other furrowed his brows in confusion and growing frustration.
"Stop with the games of cat and mouse, Dazai. I don't have time to be chasing after your thoughts. What is it?" The other was tired, woken up from his deep sleep at god knows what hour, and quite frankly lacking patience for brunet's deep monologues. But he loved the bastard in front of him, so he'd put up with anything even when—
"I don't think I love you, Chuuya."
Even when..
even.. when...
"Oh."
"Yeah."
There was a pause.
However, even though the redhead had stopped breathing, his mind frozen in a single moment, his stomach twisting, his blood turning cold as he thought of all the memories and fantasies he's been living in which were about to perish like forgotten ash.. Dazai felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Almost like instead of a heart, he had a gaping hole that breathed and ate, but gave its owner nothing to savor.
The void was going to swallow him whole.
Perhaps, Chuuya used to be capable of filling that hole with warmth — he gave it heartbeat — but times have passed. They aged. They were adults now. Dazai's void did not require any "fixing" anymore as he found comfort home in it.
"What now?" Chuuya finally managed to say something after what seemed to be an eternity of time. A second ago, they could be called somewhat lovers. Now, they were somewhat strangers. Something in between. Nothing alike. People who shared fate just moments ago, but now were about to walk separate ways.
The power that the words could hold was terrifying.
"I don't know. Didn't think about that part yet." Dazai shrugged; his face formed into almost a pouting expression. Yeah.. What now? Was he meant to leave? But so much of his stuff was around here. That'd be such a hassle. So much work. He should have kept his mouth shut. Being with Chuuya wasn't a bad thing anyway, and yet, he spoke his mind. Sometimes, he even felt suffocated with strings of their ‘relationship’.
"Mm." The redhead now fully sat up, and hugged his knees closer to his chest while the blanket covered up the majority of his body. The moonlight was specially bright today, making it easy to see each other even in the middle of the night, "When did you fall out of love with me?"
"Are you sure you want to know, Chuuya?" Dazai groaned, because deep down he hoped the other would avoid this 'interrogation'. For the brunet — this would be therapy, he would finally say everything that has been on his mind and that had built up over the years — but for the redhead? This would be a torture session. Was he a masochist or something?
"I'd rather know the truth about everything. With you walking out of my life — everything will change. It will never be the same again, Dazai. So yes, I would like to know when and how and what." While the redhead spoke, the detective noticed something. Chuuya was gritting his teeth pretty hard right now. That wasn't very good for his enamel. That must hurt. Was Chuuya hurting so much inside that he didn't even notice?
How stupid.
"I could just leave right now, and pick up my stuff in the morning, and you'd never see me again. Why make it more difficult than what it should be?" Dazai felt like he was in a daze. Almost as if this was not happening for real. Perhaps, this was all a dream, and he'd wake up in the morning to another grey, boring day. The one where Chuuya shines like a ray of sunshine, but Dazai had grown too cold to feel it.
"Do you respect me at all?" The executive whispered, his tone making him appear even smaller and more fragile than what he was. No. Who was Dazai kidding? Chuuya was one of the strongest people he has ever known. All of this has got to be an act to make him feel bad.
"Yes. I do." Respect was a vague term, but it was better to answer this in a way that would please Chuuya more or less.
"Then speak."
“Okay.” Dazai’s eyes fell down to look at his palms. He wasn’t shaking, or sweating, or even slightly nervous. Usually, liars are afraid of the moments when truth finally comes out, so why wasn’t he feeling anything? He felt like a lifeless statue. Ah. That didn’t matter. “I don’t think I ever loved you to begin with.” He heard Chuuya’s breath get stuck in his throat, but almost as if suddenly something took over him, be couldn’t stop talking the moment first confession escaped his lips.
“I knew that you liked me, and because we were compatible, I thought that eventually I would grow to like you too. It was a logical decision. As the time went by, I got used to you being around. I let you use me for your pleasure and your romantic delusions, but I never understood the appeal. I think somewhere deep down I was hoping for you to cheat, to fall out of love, or to simply catch up to the fact that I was barely emotionally around. But you never caught on, and I never wanted to break it to you, because as much as it felt like I did not care about what would happen with us apart, at the same time, I also felt like I had nothing else except for you. I always hoped that one day you would just want to be friends, but I knew that the only way for you to stay around would be as lovers. So, I endured and endured and endured.. I think at some point I even convinced myself to love you back, but at the end of the day.. Could a being like me even experience love?”
Chuuya was stunned into a long silence. All those years had been a lie. Now that he was thinking back on it, he should have realized, but he was too blind with love to see. Over the years Dazai had become emotionally better, and for some reason, Chuuya assumed that he could take the credit for that. But the reality of things was because brunet had left the Port Mafia and joined the ADA. He found friends who were genuine, and didn’t have ulterior motives. He discovered a student with a heart of gold, and not filled with rage and desire for destruction. He had built a new life, and the only connection to his old days — was Chuuya. It was attachment, fear of letting go completely rather than anything more or less. Meanwhile, the redhead lived in a delusion that they could just keep going on this way until their last breaths.
Somewhere deep down Chuuya knew that Dazai was not doing okay. But when was the time that Dazai was ever doing fine? Exactly. Never. In the beginning of their relationship he was filled with empty promises that he will be able to ‘fix’ Dazai. Then, it was replaced with, ‘I’m the only one who can understand him’. Eventually, it turned into, ‘Nobody else can tolerate him except for me’. But.. He never thought about what Dazai even felt. Chuuya had been so preoccupied with thoughts of doing one a favor for them being together, that he never paused to think: “Does Dazai even want this?”
Of course, he wasn’t the only one to blame. The detective was just as much at fault. But the reality was heavy.. They’ve wasted so much of each other’s time and effort. They were never the right people for each other. There was never the right time. They stuck together for survival, and then didn’t know how to let go. And now, Dazai had left and set off into his own life.
Was it time to move on?
Was this really their last night together?
“I think you’re capable of love, Dazai.” Chuuya eventually spoke, taking the other by surprise, “I just don’t think you are capable of loving me, that’s all.”
“Well.. You do seem to know more about love than me, so I won’t argue.” Dazai shrugged; his mind still somewhere far away, “Can I also ask you a question, before I go?” The redhead felt a sharp stab in his stomach at the words. Dazai was leaving. There were no convincing, no mind-changing, no going back. This was the end — just like that.
Yesterday, they were eating red velvet cake in the living and watching a TV show. They were both cuddling up on the couch with a blanket resting on top them. Everything was normal, nothing unusual. They even spoke about getting a cat from an adoption center, and naming her ‘Yonaka’, the same name as Dazai’s childhood cat.
So.. What exactly had happened? When did the things go wrong?! Were they wrong from the very beginning?! Were they ever right?! Was this all for nothing?!
“Sure. Go ahead.”
“Can you promise to find someone in the future who genuinely loves you?” Chuuya could barely hold back a bitter laugh. What a fucking asshole his ex-boyfriend was.
“I thought that you genuinely love me.” He was not a man of tears, but for some reason his vision was starting to cloud and it was getting harder to breathe. He peered a look at the other male by his side, just to see the same robotic expression. Wow. Dazai really did not give a shit, did he? For how long was he emotionally separating to become this cold about their relationship?
What a cruel reality check.
“How would I know if someone is wasting my time again? After all, I wasted all my youth on you, and I can’t afford to lose any more of my fucking life.” Chuuya sniffed his nose and aggressively wiped his palm against one of his eyes that decided to shed tears out of his control, “Huh, Dazai? Do you have anything to say to that?!” He knew getting angry was not the best way to communicate with his ex, but he couldn’t take the emotional chaos that was happening within.
“I do.” Brunet wasn’t phased however, and instead, gently grabbed at Chuuya’s palms to pull them away from his face, and wiped the tears of the redhead with his own thumbs, “Pay attention to the way that guy will compliment you. Whether he notices the smallest changes about you. Does he take you out on dates. Does he give you presents. And I don’t mean last-minute flowers from the nearest convenience store with a pack of most basic chocolates, because he is not sure which flavors you like, so he gets you the easiest option. I mean, presents that he thinks about for months and months in advance. Or presents that he saw in the store while passing by, and they made him think of you. Does he help you around the house? Does he know what you like and what you hate? Does he care to make dinner with your considerations of taste? Would he take care of you if you would fall sick? Would he pick up the phone immediately or make you wait days for a single reply? Would he celebrate your birthdays, new years, and holidays with you or somewhere away in a bar with a glass of whiskey in hand? Would he care that you eat enough? Get enough sunlight? Drink enough water? Would he know your medications, your routine, and your schedule?”
As Dazai whispered his words, Chuuya had given up on holding back and shamelessly sobbed in the other’s chest. His tears were staining through the fabric; wetting brunet’s skin.
“You are a lovable person, Chuuya. I might not know what love is, but I bet it would be easy to love you for any other guy.” Brunet kept running his fingers through the other’s crimson locks, and the mafia executive hated how natural and comforting it felt. The person who hurt him the most, was the only one capable of comforting him. And instead of pushing him away, Chuuya was basking in it for as long as Dazai would let him.
“If you knew all of these things.. and if you say I am lovable.. why couldn’t you just treat me this way..? All this time.. I spent thinking that you just.. didn’t know any better.. that this was the maximum possible for you.. why.. couldn’t you just do these things for me.. why..? why..?!” Chuuya could barely speak without stuttering or interrupting himself with his own sobs. The walls felt like they were closing in on him, and there was no escape or a way out of this situation.
Everything was about to change.
“Because I never loved you, Chuuya.”
And things will never be the same.