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English
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Published:
2023-06-17
Updated:
2023-06-23
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2,377
Chapters:
2/?
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18
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180
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Swim.

Summary:

Basil can just swim up. It's easy. He'd always been a proficient swimmer.
...
But he doesn't want to.
/ OR /
I make Basil get hospitalized because he nearly dies in the lake. The gang finds out he tried to drown on purpose. When Basil wakes up in a panic, he gets an emergency mental evaluation and his results are... not pretty, much to everybody's dismay, and they all have a slow yet agonizing realization that Basil lost it a long time ago.
Cue angst!!!

Notes:

guess whos life is in literal shambles as i sob while trying to pick up the pieces!??! haha yeaH URS TRULY.
anyways enjoy this ANGST.

Chapter 1: Sink.

Chapter Text

"And you're the worst, Basil!" Aubrey bitterly shouts. "How dare you still show your face to me after what you did!"
I wince. She's really loud. Even after she finishes speaking, her voice rings in my ears.
"Aubrey, I-" I attempt to reason with her. Some part of me, although shrinking with each passing day, really hopes to reconcile. To mend things, and to, eventually, go back to how everything was.
I don't think she feels the same way.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!"
With a firm shove, I'm falling into the lake. The cold water hits my body, and my breath is knocked out of me, causing water to fill my lungs immediately. I shudder, as much as possible anyways. The pain is numbing, and tears immediately escape my eyes. Whether they're from sadness, the pain, the cold, or even all of them, I don't know.
I just want to be friends again, but it's starting to seem impossible.
..Perhaps this is karma.
A part of me is grateful mending things didn't work out. I don't deserve a good ending, do I?
The icy water envelopes me, taking me, dragging me downwards.
I'm out of breath.
Swim.
I stare at the surface of the water. I can easily get up. I've always been proficient in water, and my limbs are still responding to me. If I don't get out of this lake, everybody will be sad. I have to get out.
...Or is that wishful thinking? Would everybody really be sad?
Swim.
I sink lower, the light above me getting fainter and fainter with each passing second.
No, it's not wishful. It's truth. There are still people who care about me, no matter how much it doesn't seem like it. I know this.
...Do I? I mean, I just got pushed into a lake, and I don't hear a single shout. Maybe it's my ears being clogged, but I can't help but worry it's because nobody cares.
"There are still people who care about me," is it? These words of comfort I always whisper to myself are starting to feel... meaningless.
Swim.
I still have to get up, even if everybody loathes me. Things wouldn't end well if I died here. At least Polly would be upset.
...Now that I think about it, she's just paid to take care of me anyways. I'm sure it'd be a load off her shoulders in the end. I seem to stress her out sometimes.
Swim.
Aubrey might get a murder charge if I don't. Even if she didn't, she'd surely feel guilty. Everyone will think I drowned because I couldn't get up. She might even get shunned.
...Strangely enough, I feel... unphased by that. It'd be horrible for her, and I do feel guilty thinking I'd be the cause of that. But, oddly, that doesn't change my resolve at all.
Have I always been so selfish?
As water fills my lungs, it's painful, but in a way, soothing.
...No. I've never been selfish. I've always put others first, haven't I? I just want to be selfish once. Surely, that's okay.
It's weird. I'd expect to be more panicked when I'm about to die, but I feel oddly... calm.
Just swim. You have to.
I don't want to. For once in my life, let me do what I want to do.
It'd be better for everyone in the long run, anyways. Even if I'm missed for a moment, and even if grief ensues for a bit, they'll get over it eventually, and things will end up better. Aubrey will have a chance to heal without seeing me. Kel won't have to protect me from bullying all the time. Hero will be able to focus on his college. Sunny will be able to forget the truth for good.
Plus, I'm atoning for my sins. Isn't death the best karma one can receive? Even if marginally, doesn't this help make up for what I've done?
...
Every part of me that wanted to survive has faded.
The water doesn't feel cold anymore. Whether that's from me getting used to the water, or from my consciousness fading, I can't tell. I don't care either.
My eyes close, and finally, it's for good.
Goodnight.

Chapter 2: Seethe.

Summary:

Polly reveals some disheartening information.
Basil is unhappy to awaken.

Notes:

so it turns out this is snowballing and is probably going to be longer than originally anticipated. oops!!!
i’d estimate around 5 chapters, but I’m not sure so I’ll keep the count at ? for now!
also uh, no sunny, because i hate him /hj

POV Aubrey in case it ain’t obvious

oh yeah, I scribbled this at 3 AM and am not rereading it rn so it might be a lil messy. ill clean it in the morning!

Chapter Text

I gripped at my palms, staring at my shoes, examining every detail about them. They weren’t interesting in any way, but I’d rather die than look at the people around me.
Sat down on a bench right outside of Basil’s hospital room were Kel, Hero, Polly and me.
I sighed.
A few hours prior, I had pushed Basil into a lake in a fit of anger. It was dumb, and I wasn’t thinking, and now the consequences of my volatile behavior have come to bite me.
I’d say I didn’t know Basil couldn’t swim, but I know I would’ve pushed even if I did. I just thought how I wanted him to go away, and so I made it happen.
God, when did I become so fucking selfish?
I put my head in my hands, closing my eyes and letting myself ponder for a bit.
I’m real grateful Kel had the quick thinking to fetch Hero after Basil didn’t emerge from the water. Kel was probably not strong enough to pull Basil out of the lake, and Sunny was out of the question for… obvious reasons. (The kid was clearly malnourished)
I’ll never forget the fear I felt earlier. The mix of relief and horror when Basil was successfully retrieved from the water. His empty, lifeless eyes, open despite him being unconscious. His weak pulse, just barely there. That was terrifying. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.
Hero and Kel looked at me like I was scum when Basil was shipped to the hospital. I really couldn’t handle that. I mean, I can’t even say it’s wrong of them to think that of me. I was the perpetrator here; no doubt, but…
It still hurt.
I tried to drown out those thoughts, but it proved futile.
Anticipation of Polly’s reaction really screwed with me immediately after Hero mentioned calling Polly. What would she say to her child’s (technically not, but Basil had no other parental figures) bully? The girl who nearly killed him?
What’s worse is that Polly wasn’t even mad at her. Polly offered a look of pity; that awful, horrible, pity. Why? She’d nearly taken Basil’s life, and yet, she chose to be kind.
That’s a virtue I wish I had.
Polly was even kind enough to drive me, Kel and Hero (although he could drive, his car wasn’t near) to the hospital. She figured we’d all want to be there. I was really grateful for that. No way I’d be able to find any other ride.
…The drive was insufferable. Nobody spoke a word, but there was so much emotion flying around. Polly, particularly, looked like she had something to say, but never spoke. She looked distressed, more so than I’d expected. It really crushed me.
I sighed, finally looking up. I still just stared blankly, but this time, at a wall. I examined the cracks in it, pretending to wonder about how they got there, but really just letting my mind overthink everything.
A thick, impenetrable silence had settled comfortably among everybody on that bench. Like a million words were waiting to be spilled, but nobody could quite capture them right, and so nobody tried. We just waited for someone else to start the conversation.
It’s been at least an hour. Please, someone, say something.
Polly did the honors. She opened her mouth and began forming a sentence, and I felt relief. We could discuss things.
And then she dropped a bombshell onto us.
“Basil can swim.”
…
No.
My reaction was as horrified as you’d expect. Everybody in that hall’s face seemed to somehow get paler.
“You must be mistaken,” I’d blurted almost immediately. Right, we’re all emotional right now! Nobody’s thinking clear here. She’s remembering wrong.
I was practically begging for that to be the case.
“He was a great swimmer. I saw it myself.”
“He must’ve forgotten.”
It wasn’t true. It simply wasn’t true. There’s no way he would really….
…But, would he?
I’m mortified by the very thought. No! He wouldn’t. This was all my fault, that’s simple!
“He just couldn’t swim, and that was that.”I pushed somebody who couldn’t swim into a lake, so it makes sense they nearly drowned. That’s the explanation! There is no debate. That’s silly. That’s childish. We’re not fools!
But Polly’s face didn’t lighten.
“He can swim,” she repeated. Her voice was numb, but not hollow; no, far from it. So packed with a variety of emotions that could only be described as devastating.
I tried to muster up a retort. A good counter argument. Something that would prove her wrong and settle this awful misconception.
But all I could mutter was a plead.
“Please…”
I broke into tears.
Hero soon followed suit, accompanied by the sobbing of Polly. Kel, although belatedly, began crying too.
We all were reduced to a mess of mourners.
“But why?” I heard Hero croak. His voice quivered as it escaped.
“I-I don’t know, but he’s… he’s a-always been so off. It d-doesn’t feel far stretched!” Polly sputtered out, her voice shaking immensely.
And then my heart stopped.
That’s right. He’d always been off, at least for a good long time. I’d noticed right away. In fact, I’d made a point to harass him over that very fact.
I ram my fist into the bench, startling the people next to me. I instantly regret it, but my anger just won’t stop burning.
How could I be so idiotic?! That kid was clearly dealing with some sort of mental conflict, and I bullied him for it! I just thought he was creepy, and he scribbled some photos, and so I tormented him. I hate myself. I hate myself! I HATE MYSELF!
I really am worthless.
And then, I hear a bang.
Everybody’s head immediately whips to the direction of the noise. Basil’s door.
What was that sound? It was as if something had been broken. Was he okay? Worry immediately seized my body, and by the looks of everyone else’s’ faces, I wasn’t alone.
Then, a shout. No, a scream. It was muffled from the wall separating his room from the hall, but unmistakably, it was Basil’s voice. And it was terrifying.
He continued to shriek, and shriek, and shriek, and oh god, he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t tell what he was saying, but it was so loud and pained, Polly sprung from her chair and moved to the door to attempt to open it, but it was locked. She swallowed hard.
There were, undoubtedly, medical professionals in Basil’s room. They were, after all, tending to him. But it was hard not to want to check on the boy himself.
I had never heard Basil undergoing such sheer emotion. Anger? Sadness? Panic? It sounded like all of them at once. And we were all being forced to listen, unable to even see him.
This was awful.
Eventually, the yells stopped. Quite abruptly, at that. A bead of sweat dripped down my forehead. What the actual fuck is going on here?
To feed into my confusion, a nurse exists the room, carrying a broken glass, tainted with a minuscule amount of blood.
My worry only grew.
“E-excuse me!” Polly quickly shouted as the nurse began walking away and locking the door. The nurse didn’t respond at first, tossing out the glass, but after, turned to Polly, softening her gaze, and paused.
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Wh-what’s going on?”
The nurse pondered for a moment, looking at Polly, picking her words cautiously.
“He’s fine. He had an outburst is all. He’s been sedated,” she eventually responded, a calmness to her voice only a medical worker could ever harness.
I wasn’t paying much attention to Kel and Hero, but I could see them both stiffen beside me.
“Why?!” Kel suddenly blurted, clearly unable to control his concern.
“We’re unsure. He seemed very dismayed to—“ her face darkened— “have survived. He began shouting and threw a glass of water at one of the nurses when we tried to console him.”
Now what the actual fuck?
It seems as if everybody is sharing the same emotions as I am, because we all have a mortified expression painted onto our faces.
Basil? Violent outburst? They were things never meant to meet, yet here we are.
But what was worse was the reason for said response. He was “dismayed to have survived,” as the nurse put it. If that didn’t confirm Polly’s theory, I don’t know what did.
I can’t believe it. I don’t want to. Please.
It was Hero’s turn to ask a question.
“D…Do you know why he didn’t like being comforted?”
She shook her head.
“Unfortunately, we cannot be sure. We have ideas, but we’ll need to do a mental evaluation first. Until then, please wait patiently. The results will be forwarded to you—“ she gestured to Polly— “immediately after we receive them.”
That answer was in no way, shape or form satisfying, but the nurse would clearly not be elaborating on the topic.
“Okay… w-well, how long will that take?”
“A day or two.”
I winced. We’d have to wait that long for closure? This is awful. This is so awful.
And I’m entirely to blame.
If only I hadn’t tormented Basil. Then none of us would be here. If only, if only, if only!
I sobbed into my hands and covered my face. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more.
As the nurse left to reenter Basil’s room, Polly followed suit with me and began sobbing as well. Hero had an indescribable look of emptiness on his face, and Kel had his head tucked into his arms.
It’s my fault everybody’s like this.
I cry like a child there, not even caring to try and be quiet. I don’t have any shame to spare. All I can think about is how awful everything is. It can’t get worse than this.
Quietly, subtly, Polly mutters Basil’s name, a devastating despair laced into it.
It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.
I’m worthless.