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“Look who’s finally home,” Buck calls from the dinner table.
“You’re late again, Dad,” Christopher complains.
“Sorry,” Eddie presses out and ruffles his son’s hair in lieu of an apology. He places a quick peck on Buck’s cheek, eyes pleading not to let this become an issue.
Buck huffs, part laugh/part frustration. Eddie is usually on time, but it’s not the first time this month that he’s late without warning, and frankly, Buck is pissed. It’s one thing to let him hang with all the wedding preparations. Other members of both their families have jumped in a while ago, but sometimes, Buck thinks Eddie regrets proposing to him in the spur of the moment. They wouldn’t be in this situation with both of them working overtime just to pay for the trillion of people Eddie insisted on inviting to the Buckley-Diaz wedding. Buck would have been happy with a small ceremony. Just the three of them and their maids of honour at the register office and a relaxed barbecue with their friends and closest family or something. But no. Eddie wanted the big shebang. Or his family? Buck isn’t even sure. He’s close to just calling the whole thing off and giving his fiancé a bit of time and space to think about what he wants. If he still wants him.
“We were about to start dinner,” Buck says dryly.
Eddie nods and helps Buck carry the food to the table. “Sorry,” he whispers to him. Buck doesn’t reply. He’s too raw. He knows he shouldn’t listen to the rumours going around since they started dating. Eddie would never cheat. He wouldn’t. But the fact that people are talking? It’s not helping.
Eddie was the first person who made him feel like being enough. He knows him better than anyone, even Maddie. At least in certain areas. But Buck isn’t sure if he still knows the man opposite him, shovelling pizza into his mouth. Maybe Eddie found someone nice, someone more agreeable than him. A woman. Eddie was looking for a wife, not a husband. He said so a while ago. It was an off-hand remark but it stuck with Buck.
“This is delicious,” Eddie praises.
“Buck made it. I only washed the salad,” Christopher says, glancing between the two. He probably just wants to help his father see how good Buck is at caring for them. The teen isn’t stupid. He can feel that something is off.
“It wasn’t much. I bought ready-made pizza dough,” Buck murmurs.
“It’s made with love,” Eddie says.
Aggression and sadness more like. But hey. That might taste the same to Mr Diaz.
They eat mostly in silence after that, and Buck leaves it to Eddie to take care of the clean-up. He can’t act as if everything is right. He needs to get his feelings out of his system, so he goes out for a run.
When Buck returns from his after-workout shower, he finds Eddie sitting on the edge of their bed, wringing his hands. That’s never a good sign. Buck schools his face before it can show the panic tightening his stomach and clenching around his heart.
“Can we talk?” Eddie asks.
“If you wanna.”
“Buck, come on,” Eddie short of groans. As if Buck was in the wrong here, and he sure isn’t. He’s been a good boyfriend, didn’t fuck up once, which in itself is a miracle.
“What?! Are you breaking up with me?” Buck hisses, already bracing himself for the worst. Fuck! He doesn’t know what he’ll do if the answer is yes.
“What!? Evan, what are you talking about?”
Eddie looks honestly shocked, but Buck learnt to be cautious with his heart. He never thought he’d ever have to be with Eddie though.
“Well, you don’t seem to like returning home lately, and with the wedding getting on your nerves and we two just passing on Chris like a baton…”
“Evan!” Eddie cuts through his rambling. “Stop! You really think I… I’m working my ass off to pay for the wedding. We both do. I just… I had a few things on my chest, and I needed to talk about them, okay? That’s why I was late a few times. I’m really sorry.”
“What kind of things? And with who the hell have you been talking?”
Eddie lets out a sigh.
“Is there someone else?” Buck asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
“There could never be someone else, okay? I love you. And only you,” Eddie says.
“Then why? Wh–?”
“I called Carlos.”
“Carlos? Like… TK’s Carlos?”
“Yeah.”
“Since when are you two talking?” Buck croaks.
“Since TK called you by mistake when you were under the shower and I picked up and… I asked him a few questions, and after a while, he referred me to his fiancé. I’m sorry.”
“What kind of questions?”
Eddie wets his lips. The wait for his reply isn’t helping to ease the nausea sitting in Buck’s throat.
“About being gay, okay? I didn’t… I couldn’t…”
“What? Ask Hen?”
“It’s not the same, Buck.”
“She’s gay.”
“Yes. But a – she’s a woman, and b – she doesn’t have a straight past, does she?”
Buck shrugs. “I dunno. Never asked her. But what does it matter?”
“It doesn’t.”
“It obviously does to you. Why else would you have secret phone calls? Why didn’t you just talk to me? I have a straight past too.”
Eddie runs his fingers through his hair and sighs again.
“Because… I’m questioning things, Buck. You didn’t. You pinned the bi label proudly on your chest. For you, it wasn’t a big deal being with a man.”
“So what? I thought you were past that internalised homophobia shit,” Buck presses out.
“I am. Mostly. I just. I was wondering…” he trails off, tugging on his hair. It must sting but Buck just can’t make himself reach out and stop him from hurting himself.
“What?” he asks, more sharply than he intended to.
“I think I’m gay,” Eddie blurts out.
Buck gapes at him.
“Gay?”
“Yes. I… Evan, I’ve never felt the way I feel with you when I was with a woman. I never… I thought I was just a man with a low libido, a man who liked to be conquered instead of picking up chicks, but I’m not. I love sex with you. I love making you happy in any way. Even after all this time, I… I have the butterflies and… and the longing. I never had that with Shannon or Ana or the other women I dated. I… Carlos thinks I have a gay crisis and that a lot of this is probably born out of heteronormativity, and culture, and…”
Buck nods and sits down next to Eddie, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
“And that’s why you had to talk with Carlos.”
“It only started with this question but it got longer and longer. We arranged to talk during my drive home, but some things I just couldn’t talk about while driving. I should’ve told you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Eddie huffs a mirthless laugh. “Because I didn’t want you to think I was questioning us. I know how cruel your mind can be to you, Evan. But I made it so much worse, huh?”
Buck nods but with a smile tugging on his lips.
“A bit. But why does it even matter? Gay, bi, pan? At the end of the day, we’re in love, aren’t we?”
Eddie shakes his head. “For you and me, our relationship, it doesn’t matter. But it matters to me, Buck. I wanna know who I am.”
Buck presses his lips together and nods.
“I get it. I just never had to question it. I mean, you and I, we fit. But I did love women the way I love you. Not the same. Our love is different.”
“You don’t have to say that,” Eddie smirks.
“It’s the truth, babe. But the… substance, I guess… it’s the same to me.”
Eddie hums in understanding. “I enjoyed straight sex, but it’s so much more, just when you touch me, you know. I feel terrible saying this. As if I lied to the mother of my child.”
“You didn’t know better. As you said. Heteronormativity is a bitch. It fucks with how we develop and how we see our relationships. I pushed this part of me so far back. I mean, I guess I have a preference for women, but every time I liked a guy, I just thought it was like… me wanting to be as cool as them or as sexy or funny.”
Eddie nods in understanding.
“Same. And I completely suppressed the memories of my teenage crushes. They were all boys. But then, Shannon chose me and I kinda rolled with it. I didn’t hate being with her, and then there was Chris, and…”
“You never really got off that path.”
“Yeah. Until you kissed me. Remember when we watched Schitt’s Creek? When Patrick said that their kiss felt like it was supposed to? That’s when I thought, ‘Hey, maybe I’m gay.’ It’s stupid but…”
“It’s not stupid. Not telling me was stupid, but that’s another topic,” Buck smirks. “Thanks for telling me now. I thought there was somebody else. A woman. Guess I don’t need to be worried about that scenario,” he teases.
Eddie laughs out loud, finally relaxing into Buck’s side.
“No. You really don’t. In any way. I’m really happy with you, Buck. I can’t wait to call you my husband.”
“I can’t wait either,” Buck says and seals Eddie’s lips with his own.