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°.•☆▪︎'.
yeonjun, for all his life, has searched for forever .
he doesn't know when exactly it all started; doesn't know what that split second was when choi yeonjun decided he wanted — needed forever, and will do anything to get it. maybe it was that time when he had to shift from the place he had grown up, now only a distant memory of what used to be, less of a person; or maybe it was the moment he heard that his grandmother had passed away, sitting in the locked bathroom of his school and feeling tears build up in his eyes, wishing for just one more day with her.
forever was a myth he was ready to figure out. to just try and see how long a forever can be.
he doesn't know when it began, but he does know this: he will find his forever one day.
one day.
°.•☆▪︎'.
"what will you do when you grow older, jjunie?"
"me? i'll fly in space! just like dad!"
little, five-year old yeonjun watches with glee as his mother laughs fondly at his excited words. the stars blink above them, a rare sight from within the city.
"what's there in space, hm?"
"well," he goes into deep thought. "there's so much! stars, planets, galaxies, worlds !"
"oh, my yeonjunnie knows so much." she smiles warmly, hugging him and rocking him back and forth. "but do you know what's not there in space, jjunie?"
yeonjun shakes his head, tilting his head to look up at her.
"time. there's no time up there."
his eyes widen in surprise. "there's no time there?"
she shakes her head. "you have forever there. all the time in all worlds, just poof . gone. you can do so much, be so much there." she presses a kiss onto the crown of his head. "you like forever, don't you?"
yeonjun nods, looking at the horizon that spreads across.
"forever," he tells. he feels sleepy, now that his mom is giving little, gentle pats on his head. "forever's nice."
"well, you have it in space. and here too, if you try."
"here? on earth?"
she nods. "we're forever, aren't we? i'll forever be your mom, and you'll forever be my yeonjunnie. my healing."
he smiles and nods, eyes fluttering and struggling to stay open. his mother hums a lullaby under her breath, only for yeonjun to hear.
"and one day, i'll find so many forevers and i'll have so much that i'll live forever."
he feels his mother's kiss on his forehead just as he falls asleep, a multitude of forevers swimming in his thoughts.
°.•☆▪︎'.
"our little jjunie," yeonjun's mother holds his face tightly. "our healing. i'm sorry it has to be like this."
six-year-old yeonjun looks at her blankly.
at a distance, he looks at the two huge suitcases his dad carries. he sees two rings on the glass table before him. he sees papers beneath them but doesn't understand the weight it carries.
he has heard the word a couple of times: divorce . he even tried asking the house's AI system, which they had named Hope, about it. it had rattled out something about two people separating from a legal marriage arrangement, but yeonjun still does not get it.
"dad is sorry, yeonjun-ah."
or maybe he understands but pretends like he doesn't. there is still that small sliver of hope in his little heart, and he barely holds onto it.
he wants to disprove Hope. he wants to tell Hope that his parents still love each other.
"why? where are you going?" he asks.
"i'm… dad is leaving, jjunie." his dad sighs, kneeling down to sit before him.
"you'll… come back, right?" yeonjun asks. he even pulls out the pout that he knew his dad could never resist.
there is no answer; yeonjun should have known then. he should have known that forever can break apart. he should have realized that forever doesn't really mean forever , that it is but a limited time of happiness that will dissipate one day or the other.
but as he watches his dad step out the door and out of the house for what would be the last time, when he sees his mother looking away from the door, outside the window, silent tears streaming down her face, he thinks there is a forever for each of them. maybe not together, but they do have a forever.
and one day, yeonjun knows he will find his forever.
°.•☆▪︎'.
yeonjun hears about his grandmother's passing when he's sixteen, and he cries about it inside a locked bathroom.
he doesn't understand why: he knew that it was going to happen, one day or the other. it wasn't like he hadn't expected it, but it still hurt .
"yeonjun hyung?" comes in thirteen year old taehyun's voice.
taehyun is his neighbor, the two of them often pairing up for games at the playground and the pc room. and taehyun is smart, really smart for a kid his age; yeonjun thinks that might be one reason they click so well.
"y-yeah," he hastily wipes his face with his palms and unlocks the door.
taehyun is shorter, much shorter than him, but yeonjun feels small under his watchful eyes.
"i heard what happened," he says. "to grandma."
yeonjun furrows his eyebrows. how?
"mom messaged me," taehyun adds. it's so, so simple. "wanna hug?"
and yeonjun, snotty-faced sixteen-year old yeonjun buries his face into the younger's shoulder, still not knowing why he is crying so much. taehyun holds him through it all, skipping his own classes. he's there when yeonjun decides he's had enough of crying and walks home blankly.
years later, when he asks him about it, taehyun has only one answer for him:
"i did it because i care for you, hyung." he smiles weakly. "and i will do it. friends forever, remember?"
yeonjun plays with the handle of his coffee mug, a small smile gracing his lips.
forever . it sounds sweet, true when taehyun says it. forever friend .
and friends they stay: through yeonjun's graduation and moving to study interstellar studies, through taehyun's graduation and moving to the same campus to do his mineral resources degree. through their busy lives and gradually reducing time, they still remain each other's forever friend.
°.•☆▪︎'.
yeonjun finds a short-lived forever in minhyung: classmate, roommate, excellent pilot, and perhaps the best listener ever.
he's all of this before a boyfriend.
it's natural; at least it feels so for yeonjun, to hold minhyung in his arms and think ' yes, we fit perfectly. like puzzle pieces .' the way they live tells everyone that they are perfect for each other, full of vigor and joy and happiness. yeonjun begins to believe that maybe, just maybe, this is his forever.
but puzzle pieces, no matter how perfectly they fit, fall apart.
"i'm sorry, jun," mark sighs one day, a hand on yeonjun's chest, but it isn't out of love. it's to push him away. "i just don't think it's working."
and yeonjun, exhausted, drained from classes and simulation practices and brain clouded with a fog of resignation, only nods and leans back.
"i'm sorry, yeonjun," minhyung says, sweet as ever. he still holds his hands, as warm and gentle as ever. forever gentle. "we both deserve someone better. you deserve someone better than me."
yeonjun does not say anything; does not look at him, even. minhyung gives him a sad smile and walks away, looking back only once. the coffee before yeonjun turns cold. his hands grasp onto empty air; yet another forever gone away from him.
as he falls into a dreamless sleep that night, a lump in his throat that will not go away for days, he wonders if he will be able to find more forevers. if he will be able to find his forever. if he will be able to find a forever, to begin with.
(later in the years, when he would attend mark's wedding, there will be a thorn pricking his heart ever so lightly. it will be barely felt, but it is there and he would not be able to take his mind away from it.
he would turn to his side, then, and find his forever glowing under the warm lights, smiling softly at him, and would wonder if this is the better that he deserved.
if this is the forever that is his.)
°.•☆▪︎'.
greetings, daniel choi.
we are pleased to inform that you have been accepted for the position of ‘trainee spaceship pilot’ at bh services pvt. ltd. starting from july 31, 22413. training will be provided by the company until required, following which you will be assigned a space cargo ship (scs) for the rest of your employment period, with the exception of unexpected circumstances.
we look forward to working with you.
best regards,
hr team,
bh services pvt. ltd.
°.•☆▪︎'.
“first flight, hyung! it’s your first flight!”
“you’re more excited than me, and i’m the one driving!”
taehyun does not seem to care, popping open one of the champagne bottles.
“you’ve always dreamed about this, of course i’m excited!” taehyun says with glee in his voice, pouring out two glasses of the champagne he just opened.
yeonjun simply laughs and shakes his head. he cannot deny the giddiness he feels in his own heart, in the way he feels like jumping around but also like sprawling about and pretending to be knocked out. he clinks his glass with taehyun’s and downs all of the sparkling alcohol in one go.
they drink into the night, and yeonjun is sure waking up with a headache is not on his agenda for the next day, but it’s nice. it has been days since he has spoken to taehyun, their lives dragging them in different ways. it is at times like this that yeonjun feels how fragile a forever can be.
he tells this to taehyun, about the way he is afraid that someday, some random day, he would look back and taehyun would not be there. about how forevers always seem to break.
“but hyung,” taehyun slurs. yeonjun is sure neither of them would remember this conversation come morning, but it will at least put his heart at ease. “forevers cannot last long. we are humans, after all.”
(yeonjun feels better come morning, like he has got the answer to a question that has been bugging him for long, but he neither remembers the question, nor the answer to it. he looks at taehyun, and smiles in content.
something is answered, and he might never know what it was, but it at least makes him feel better.)
°.•☆▪︎'.
yeonjun meets soobin at an office party.
it has been two years since he had joined the company; he knows what these parties entail by now. that’s why he’s stuck to the bar, nursing one shot in his hand and watching everyone else converse like they have not met each other for years.
one person, however, doesn’t seem to be the case. he sees him standing around jiwoo and sooyoung, a new face among the many familiar ones and standing taller than the crowd, smiling and talking only when needed. he doesn’t seem awkward, no; he’s simply bored.
he approaches the younger, holding onto his shotglass and feeling bolder than usual. something about him is so… attractive. sparkling eyes, dimples that show up a couple of times, and just him entirely. attractive.
“this party is boring, isn’t it?” he tells, lightly startling the other.
he chuckles, and yeonjun might be exaggerating when he thinks it’s the best sound he has heard in a while. “a little bit.”
“wanna go out and have some actual fun?”
the other leans on the table, a smile playing in his face. “define actual fun.”
and yeonjun, like the person he is, says: “stargazing.”
he’s pretty sure that is a failed attempt at trying to go out with someone, but the other smiles. and nods. and holds his hand as they walk out.
“so, what is your plan?” the other asks.
“to woo you,” yeonjun replies, hoping his attempt at a wink was funny to dissolve the tension building up in him. “and, of course, to stargaze.”
“one thing is happening tonight,” the younger replies, staring at the sky and then back at yeonjun. somehow, the neon lights of the city seem to illuminate him even more. “you decide which.”
“why can’t both happen? i know the perfect place.”
“for both?”
“now that,” yeonjun turns to him completely, walking backwards. “depends on you.”
the perfect place, yeonjun says as he takes the first step, is the rooftop. his apartment’s rooftop, to be exact. they spend time knowing each other more than stargazing, the air taxis littering the night sky even in the dead hour of the night.
yeonjun knows that his name is soobin, that he works in the marketing division, and that he loves stargazing, in a surprising coincidence.
“one day, i’ll take you to actual stargazing,” yeonjun promises, holding his hand automatically. “not the museum, actual stargazing.”
soobin smiles and nods. “i’ll hold you to that.”
yeonjun wonders as the cityscape glows dimly, whether any star could glow as bright as soobin’s eyes, which seem to hold the entire galaxy in them.
°.•☆▪︎'.
yeonjun is pleasantly surprised at soobin’s presence along with his friend in his birthday party. he takes a glance at taehyun, who only winks at him knowingly, a blonde boy by his side. he’s about to greet soobin when everyone around him yells at him to blow out the candles before they melt.
soobin’s voice pierces through the chorus of ‘happy birthday’, or maybe it’s just yeonjun and his hyper-focus on soobin. either way, he is very happy with it.
“happy birthday!” soobin wishes, flashing his beautiful smile. yeonjun feels like melting into a puddle of happy slime right then and there. he holds himself up somehow, and smiles back at soobin.
“thanks, soobin,” he grins as he hands soobin a plate of the sliced cake.
as if in exchange, soobin takes the plate from his hand, and gives him a small gift-wrapped box.
“oh?” he says, carefully unwrapping it. mentally, he’s planning on saving the wrapper as well, but he will act nonchalant for now. as he opens the box, he finds a familiar plugstick coloured in blue and yellow. “oh, you didn’t have to…” yeonjun mumbles, looking at the memory drive.
“how could i not? we’re friends now!” soobin chirps. yeonjun tries not to let the small tinge of dejection get to him; this is a great first step from strangers. “and i saw this at the store and thought of you, so i bought it. y’know, you being a ship pilot and all. i know you’ll need a lot of it, maybe some for personal use too.”
yeonjun smiles. he vows to never use the drive unless its for a message to soobin. now, his hands curl tightly around the drive. “thank you!”
he hopes soobin does not see his very pink cheeks and ears, as soobin leans in with wide arms for a hug.
(he tries to avoid taehyun’s teasing smile once everyone disperses, but he possibly cannot avoid the loud “so when is your next date?!” that echoes from the bathroom.
“shut up!” is all he replies with, along with an obvious blush on his face that is definitely not from all the drinks he had downed for the night.)
°.•☆▪︎'.
soobin is nice.
with the passing of each and every day, yeonjun only wishes to be closer to soobin, to be with him, around him, beside him. he’s pretty sure he has never felt a want this strong with anyone else, and it feels… good. he feels like the happiest person in the world when he is with soobin, and he wants that forever.
they have met a handful of times, and each meeting has been the highlight of his days. he remembered each of soobin’s smiles, and maybe that was enough for him. or maybe it were his dimples that show up every once in a while, two little things that light up his day like nothing else. or maybe, maybe it was soobin himself and how he views life, how he takes his time and how he waits with a smile for yeonjun to catch up; a contrast to his overthinking tendencies.
maybe it was all of this and more, something more that is closer to yeonjun’s heart, that makes him tell the words that have been stuck in his throat since the minute he saw soobin.
“i like you, soobin-ah.”
and soobin looks flustered, more out of surprise than shock. yeonjun recognizes those eyes; it’s the same he has for soobin. he sees the blush spreading rapidly across soobin’s cheek, and hears the silent “i like you too” from soobin that makes his heart soar.
and as he kisses soobin, feeling soft lips press against his own, he realizes what that something more is.
soobin feels like forever.
(he is the forever that yeonjun turns to look at when they are at mark's wedding, eyes shining with all the stars of the universe in them.)
°.•☆▪︎'.
“can i tell you something?”
“hm?”
he takes his time looking at soobin’s face, gentle and soft and everything nice. he wonders: how does he looks so beautiful all the time? how did i get someone like him?
“do you know what i want to find the most?”
“... the planet they produced space mint candy in? you've been talking an awful lot about it these days.”
yeonjun smacks his shoulder lightly, but the smile does not leave his face. he doesn’t think it has, ever since he met the younger. soobin is still chuckling, smiling back at him cheekily.
“well, there is that , how does no one know where it’s produced?” soobin laughs loud at that, leaning on yeonjun’s shoulder. “but also…” he trails off, gaining’s soobin’s attention. “i want to find forever.”
soobin looks at him in confusion; it’s valid, because who goes around saying they want to find an abstract concept of time, as if its something tangible?
“forever?”
“mhm,” yeonjun continues to look at soobin’s eyes. his forever . “it’s kinda dumb, but i do think forever exists somewhere. maybe not here, maybe not with us, but somewhere.”
soobin hums along. “why forever, though?”
“it’s... again, this is stupid, but its because of my parents. i think it is,” yeonjun sighs, his memories of their divorce floating up to the surface. he never really thinks about it, but he knows how it plays a vital part in how he acts and reacts. “they seperated when i was young, very young, and… i don’t know, but i felt like they were forever, y’know? like... they’ll forever be my parents. even if they aren't forever for each other, they're forever for me."
soobin looks forlorn. he brushes it off with a smile. “that was so long ago, it doesn’t matter a lot now. but... ever since that, i think i’ve been looking for forever. because i think it exists; it’s why people do some things and don’t do some. because it will affect them and their life forever. if that exists, why can’t forever exist by itself?”
“but that forever is subjective, hyung,” soobin adds in. “there, their life is their forever, and even then, it isn’t forever , yknow? it’s too difficult to find forever as its own being, don’t you think?”
yeonjun shrugs. “i think it exists in some way. it has to.”
soobin shrugs, only leaning in to plant a kiss on yeonjun’s forehead. “forevers do exist, it’s just that it’s finite, is the thing.”
yeonjun did not really understand what soobin had meant, but he was too occupied with trying to chase soobin’s lips with a kiss that he forgets about it.
°.•☆▪︎'.
they move in together.
yeonjun is too ecstatic, checking every box thrice to see if everything they need is inside. and waiting impatiently for the movers to arrive. he wants everything to be perfect, just like soobin, just like their relationship.
sometimes, yeonjun cannot believe that they have been together for three years. that meant three years full of love, full of happiness and joy and every positive thing that yeonjun could imagine.
of course, there have been a lot of arguments too, because they are humans, after all. even with three years of being together, they still have difficulty understanding each other. but yeonjun thinks its okay; they will have forever to learn every little detail of each other, down to the barest self.
"ah, hyung, stop pacing so much!" soobin laughs out as he scrolls through his pad, chin and hands resting on the bed as he sits on the floor. "you're distracting me from work."
"i told you to take today off," yeonjun frowns. "why did you even tell you'll work from home?"
"because you'll do most of the work here," soobin looks up and winks cheekily. “and i can earn more!”
"this guy—!" soobin is immediately tackled to the floor, the pad now out of his hands. " we're moving together, not just me."
soobin tries to wrestle his way out, still laughing. "hyung, let me go, i need to read the stats—!"
"uh-uh," yeonjun grabs both of soobin's hands with one hand, reaching for the work pad with the other. "you're signing out for the day."
laughter chimes in as the wind flows into the bare house, the two of them enough to fill the echoes of emptiness. it’s a happy day, one that yeonjun will remember forever.
forever .
he can finally feel it, right at his grasp, the feeling of forever.
.-;-°.•☆▪︎'.-;-.
the argument still lingers in yeonjun's mind. it has been eight days, eight days since he has only got radio silence from soobin.
he understood why he was mad; hell, he'd be mad too, if he were at soobin's place. but yeonjun couldn't do anything: no one was available except him, and it was just ten days. and he had worked hard enough for the company, surely they'd give him his deserved days off— three months, maybe even six if they really consider all the hard work he has put in.
it will take two days to get back to earth. two days until he sees soobin. that is the only hope and wish he holds onto.
surely, soobin's anger would dissipate once he reaches home. the younger can be a bit of a hothead at times (not more than yeonjun, though) and with good reason at that. but he will also understand.
soobin always does.
even his crew seems to know that he needs space, that he isn't exactly the jovial, fun pilot that he usually is. they know, actually, that he was roped in last minute: exhausted from a three-month trip, now pulled in for something as near as cluster 30 . but work was work, and yeonjun only received understanding pats on his back as he started the ship and drove through, mind completely elsewhere.
the first days goes with him fumbling with his mobile, wondering if he should call soobin. the last time they spoke was five days ago, with soobin's forward message about a meteor sighting some few kilometers away from their city. it isn't even news anymore, considering how many meteors hit the ground, but soobin still sends it to him.
his hand hovers over the call icon, a million thoughts plaguing his mind. so many what-ifs that he knows aren't true; has known time and again. yet, they still cling onto his thoughts, hesitation weighing him down.
"tomorrow," he tells himself. "i'll call him tomorrow."
(little did he know, tomorrow never comes. that even a forever is finite, limited.)
he doesn't remember what, when or why. in hindsight, he should not have gone to sleep at all.
as he wakes up, being rattled by the unstable flight, all he hears is yelling back and forth, all he sees is the surface of a meteor right before the front window, and all he feels is a crash that jerks him and throws him to the floor, making him land on his arm and possibly crack a bone.
everyone are groaning, everyone except chan, who tries to punch some buttons. "the-the engines!" is the last thing he yells before another rattle sends him flying against the wall of the cockpit.
everything happens too fast. too fast for him to comprehend and react. he feels hyper aware of every movement: he sees jinwoo's hand reaching out for the control board, and then slipping away to somewhere else, then nowhere to be found.
he feels the oxygen being sucked out of his lungs, leaving him clawing at his throat. the absence burns so painfully that he sees white spots in his vision.
a painful realization dawns upon him.
no.
mom. dad. forever—
taehyun. grandma—
he feels his breaths continue to get shorter, each one more harder to take. a piercing pain takes home in his chest, making his back arch. his eyes flit in panic, searching for something, his helmet, anything , just to—
soobin. soobin.
soobin.
— just to survive. to live.
to see his forever, one last time.
he scratches his fingers against the floorboard, trying to get up. he sees mike in the corner of his vision, eyes rolled back. motionless; already taken away. that would be him, in few minutes more or less. The thought scares him, infinitely so. The controls are so close; so close to his hand, so close to get back—
i can't—
soobin.
forever.
the world blackens from the corners, painfully slow yet in a speed he cannot catch up to.
he wants to cry; this is not how he thought it would end. he still had to see soobin, apologize to him, spend another birthday or maybe ten more, twenty more, or even thirty. they would adopt a kid, a small girl, and maybe another too, and they would move into a house with a garden. he still had to see hueningkai’s graduation, still had taehyun confessing to kai and still had beomgyu to get closer to.
how can it all end so easily? how can--
he feels it before it happens. he sees himself slipping away, hands turning numb and motionless. the struggle dies down, inevitability staring at the face.
only a single tear slips down his face, just as his world turns black, senses numbing and melding into nothing, with no one to witness it. not even himself.
a forever gone, just like that. slipping between the gaps of his fingers like sand, like air that he deperately needs right now.
he feels his lungs give up, the last, struggling breath. but he holds on to it, as desperately as he could, and tries to find a way. some way, some way in which he could live. he knows its futile, but some part of him wants to believe.
the stars blinking in space only stare back at him, taking away his last breath.
i'm sorry .
and with that, ends the forever of choi yeonjun.
(he hopes for soobin's to not end.)
("it's okay to let go," he whispers, soobin's hand in his own, a tight hold.
yeonjun wishes this moment can last forever. maybe this can be their forever.
but he knows, he knows that it isn't possible. that he has to let soobin go; let him let go.
"i will never let you go," soobin says, leaning on yeonjun's shoulder. "you're my forever, remember?"
yeonjun did not answer, something stuck painfully in his throat. a lot like that time, when he was desperately begging for air.
he knows soobin has to wake up soon, sees it in his tired and exhausted eyes as he struggles to keep them open.
yeonjun cannot count the amount of times they have met in his dream, but it didn't matter. it could never.
soobin never remembered.
he always acted like it was his first time spotting yeonjun. he always cried, hugged and kissed him, then held his hand and waited while hoping for time to not pass, only to fall asleep and repeat everything in a cycle again.
yeonjun knows that once he sleeps, this will all repeat again, and he will have to act like it's not painful to see soobin not recalling any of their moments when he wakes up again.
and so yeonjun doesn't reply; only pats his hand slowly as he watches soobin's eyes close, and readies himself for yet another night where soobin does not remember seeing yeonjun in the same shore.
today, however, feels different.
soobin is there, but he also isn't. yeonjun can feel the wall building between them, a wall between reality and dreams. a wall yeonjun can never cross.
" no— stop! don't go! you said you won't go! " soobin cries out desperately.
and yeonjun wants to reach out; so badly. he wanted to hold his hand and tell him that he will never leave.
he knows soobin will never catch him. he will never remember this.
the waves recede, and yeonjun is reminded of the harsh reality yet again.
he is not soobin's forever.
"i'm not," yeonjun breathes out. his hand outstretched, yet holding onto nothing. he could only watch as soobin fought the waves holding him back, stumbling and falling into the water. "it's you who has to leave me and go."
i'll never leave you , he thinks; doesn't say it out loud. you're my forever .
"goodbye, my forever." yeonjun says, just as soobin drowns into the water and disappears, along with the wave that crashed against the shore. gone, never to be found again.
soobin will be his forever, but he can never be soobin's.
and that is how choi yeonjun falls to his end: with that thought, and a simple, innocent wish— to be choi soobin's forever, maybe in another lifetime, maybe in another world. anywhere.
maybe one more chance that he can make up for.
just one more forever that he can hold on to.)