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Emotions. Feelings. No one can understand them. It's meanings flourished throughout humanity, always changing, always different. Everyone thinks differently of every emotions and feelings, associating it with daily life.
Disgust, disappointment, anger, sadness, happiness, love. It's natural. And there is also emptiness, a void. It's unavoidable, it's natural.
Porchay doesn't know what he's feeling, lately it's been a roller-coaster of a ride of emotions and feelings. The environment around him is constantly changing, it's like the ocean sea, calm, and stilled.
From one moment where he was at the top of the world, his dreams about to come true to crashing deep down to reality.
He doesn't know what to feel, to be happy or to be disappointed. Surely he is disappointed in his brother, Porsche for abandoning him and choosing a career path that is so much dangerous for the both of them. But he sees the way his brother look at Kinn, the way his eyes soften and melt, the way it used to be for him too. He couldn't afford to be sad, no. He's conflicted with himself, he should be happy, no, he's happy. But why does he still feel sad, everything is fine, everyone is fine, everyone is alive..
Emptiness, that's the best Porchay could describe. The dark void doesn't seemed scary any longer to him, it felt like comfort, it felt like home, its a distraction from reality.
He doesn't want to decipher what he's feeling, the emotions are too complicated and strong, the constant reminder that haunts him, it's all too.. Painful.
Porchay doesn't know what to do, and who he should talk to. It's complicated, everything is. About his feelings, emotions, Kimhant, his brother, Porsche and the whole mafia saga.
It's also tiring, the memories of the day where he tried to confront Kimhant is still vivid in his head. It ended in a mess, it ended with him sobbing, it ended with them.
He felt guilty, stupid and disappointed in himself. But he doesn't harbour hate and remorse for Kimhant, he couldn't. It hurts to even think about hating him, it hurts to think about him and it hurts the most when Porchay knows that he still love him. He tried to move on, he did. But doing anything just hurts, it's tiring.
The void of emptiness welcomes him home, that's where he belongs, nothing could hurt him there.
A soft ding brought Porchay out from the void, he glanced at the direction it's coming from and it's his phone. It was an unknown number, and before his mind registered. He clicked on it, and it played a video.
Kimhant appeared in the background, holding a guitar in his hands. Porchay could note that there was a few dark circles on Kimhant's eye bags, seemed like they both weren't sleeping well.
The song ends with a "this is for Porchay" before Kimhant ended the video. Porchay wants to cry, maybe he already is, he just doesn't know it. He doesn't really know what to feel or think about anymore, his finger hovering over the 'delete' button. But he couldn't bring himself to delete it, it's so overwhelming. A few parts of the songs were stucked on Porchay's mind, repeating itself as Porchay hugs his knees.
'All this time I've sinked'
'Then you came along'
'I could see the scars fading on its own'
Porchay was a musician, and he too once deciphered the meanings behind every Wik's lyrics.
Old habits doesn't seemed to die as Porchay understood each line, each verse, each meaning. He seemed to have forgave Kimhant, no. He has never resented him in the first place, so there was never a need for forgiveness. It just hurts to admit that he still love Kimhant.
He has tried once, but it failed. What's the point of trying again, to ask, to confront, to demand. The answers and truth he seek for doesn't seem to ever reach his hands. The fear, the outcome and the resolution scares him, the thoughts of what will happen bear in his mind. Even if fate thread a string, he's still afraid.
There was a knock, soft, but heard. Then a slight thump followed, no one has visited Porchay these days, he was curious on who it could be.
Just like how his environment always changes, it did once again when the doorknob turned.
Kimhant slumped forward towards Porchay's body and half of his body weight were supported by him, he kept murmuring Porchay's name over and over again and each time, Porchay's heart break a little.
Kimhant seemed pretty intoxicated, Porchay wonders how many drinks has he had as he is a heavy drinker. That information stored in Porchay's head appeared out of nowhere and it got him worried about the quantity he has consumed.
Even if his heart breaks and his hands tremble, Porchay still decided on letting Kimhant stay.
Kimhant looked so... Different when he is drunk. Porchay can't help but stare at him, there was just calmness and peace that is surrounding him. It's different than the cool, mysterious Wik's vibe and the intimidating Kimhant's vibe. This Kimhant looked so soft and calm, his features were all smoothed out and he seemed at peace. Porchay wants to cry, will things have gone differently and he will be able to witness this version of him daily if only Kimhant allowed him to?
Kimhant seemed to sober up after a while and immediately wanted to run when he noticed Porchay, there was no hint of anger or resentment in his eyes, it was just sadness.
There will never be a day where Kim Kimhant Theerapanyakul freezes in his spot and doesn't have 10 plans with 3 backups in his head, no. Instead, he got lost in those sadness of Porchay's eyes.
The tension, the moment, it wasn't heavy, it was a calm stilled ocean that is slowly turning into tsunamis.
"Can I hug you?", it wasn't a request, it was a final plead from Kimhant. He doesn't know what he's begging for it, but he wants it, he needs it.
There was uncertainty in Porchay's eyes but he gave in and allowed Kimhant to hug him, it was tight and it felt so warm. Porchay didn't know what he has lost till that moment, it was warmth and security. It was also love.
"What did I do to deserve this", Porchay's voice cracked as he sobbed out, he has never really thought highly of himself. This hug Kimhant requested for, it seemed so unreal. Kimhant didn't answer, he strengthen the hug instead. They both need this, the healing and closure.
"What do you gain from this", Kimhant froze as he heard it. What does he gain from this he wonders.
At first it was security for his brothers, but now, it has changed. He wants to gain Porchay's trust and love once again, he wants to gain his approval and forgiveness.
"Porchay.", the tone made Porchay stopped rambling as he set his eyes on him, Kimhant's eyes was filled with tears and he knew, he has done something upsetting once again. Porchay could see Kimhant thinking before he sighed deeply.
"I'm sorry. You didn't deserve anything I've done to you previously, but this hug, you deserve it, we both do", Kimhant could only speak the truth, his voice struggling to find the words but he has to do this.
"I don't wish to be selfish and gain anything from this hug, but I want to be. I want to ask for your forgiveness and your approval. I want to ask for your hand in marriage in the future. I want to ask for your likings and dislikes. I want to learn everything about you. I want to close the previous chapter of our story and start a new one. And lastly, I want to be with you. This time, I won't run away", it's the truth, the truth is all out. He wouldn't run away, no, he would plaster himself next to Porchay's side and explain everything.
"I don't deserve this", it sounds like a truth to Porchay but it's not to Kimhant, if only if he knows how much he meant to him. How Porchay is his oxygen, his motivation, his light, his painkillers, his bandage, his happy pill.
"No, please, I beg you. Give me this one chance and I will make it right, I won't make you regret it", Porchay seemed uncertain about it, his thoughts that haunt him resurface and he wants to say no.
"I'll make sure you'll wake up everyday, blessed with happiness, blessed with everything. I'll make sure to fulfill each of your desires", by this, Porchay was already tearing up, each word felt like a bandaid plastered onto his wounds.
"I'm just asking, will you allow me this?"
Porchay was already a crying mess, he sobbed out a "yes" before hugging him tightly. He wouldn't allow this chance to be let go, he wouldn't. They would need to talk later and set a boundary but they both need this hug, this warmth, the closeness and the comfort badly. Maybe he'll learn how to decipher his emotions with Kimhant later on, but for now, all his wounds felt more bearable.
It was day 3 when they had a talk, they were both sitting on Porchay's bed. Kimhant explained why he had lie and Porchay was at a lost of words, Khun Korn sounds like a total ass hole, he wished he can give that old man a huge slap in the back of the head with a pan or something.
When Kimhant finished, Porchay started off with saying that he didn't hate him and has forgiven him. It took a long while to talk, but they both have reached a level of understanding and acceptance.
"I have a huge urge to hug you and keep you forever for putting up with my shit", Kimhant commented after a while of silence, Porchay looked at him unexpectedly and his eyes held no judgement, it held only love.
"Then.. You can forever hug me and keep me, how does that sound?", Kimhant's eyes slightly widen before a smile creeps up and before Porchay knows it, he has flunged himself towards Porchay's body, crashing their body down to the soft mattress.
The giggles left out by Porchay sounded like music to Kimhant's ears, it was as if he was strolling down a secluded garden and hearing the angels play and the sirens sing, it was forbidden to do so but it felt like music to him.
Maybe that's what Porchay is, an angel and a Siren. An angel due to his kindness, love, understanding and a Siren due to his soft comfort vibe that pulls you in.
They both stayed in that position, it wasn't uncomfortable to Porchay as he was more focused on the weight and closeness. It felt so good, it's been a while since he felt anything positive other than negative.
There still will be days where things will go bad, and Porchay is unsure of the future. But one thing he is sure of, is that he is not letting go of this moment and time. He will stay onto Kimhant's side, no matter who objects. And lastly, he'll love Kimhant as much as he loves him too. Because Kimhant is his savior, his shining knight in disguise.
Kimhant kept his words and showered Porchay in love and hugs, he was more of an action speaks louder than word person but he's trying to communicate his feelings for Porchay, everything for him.
It was only the third day but Kimhant has already showed Porchay how much he truly loves him and it felt reassuring to him, it felt nice, his heart felt completed.
Fate has completed it's job, just one last thread of fate to tie them together for the rest of their lives. There will be days where it is bad but they both will always find a way back to each other once again, a chapter of their previous miserable life has been closed and a new one filled with happiness has been opened.