Work Text:
141 and los vaqueros were coming back from a successful mission. 141 needed help from Alejandro and Rudy, so they packed their bags and came to the UK, accompanied by some of los vaqueros.
After everyone got rid of their gear, they made their way to the kitchen.
They were sitting at one of the tables, soap, Gaz and Alejandro were bantering about the mission, when something they said, caught ghosts attention.
“… and the way ghost killed them. It was brutal. Ghost is really a cold hearted killer on the field.”Gaz told soap with excitement, still trilled from the mission.
Ghosts grip on the cup he was holding, tightened.
“I wish I could just shut my brain off and become a beast,” added Alejandro, “it would make things so much easier on and after a mission.
The cup started to groan under the tight hold of ghosts hand.
“Yeah, you should have seen him on the mission in Poland. He snapped the enemy’s neck with his bare hands. He’s a Monster” added soap while smiling at Alejandro.
The cup broke.
Everyone looked where the sound of a glass breaking was coming from and saw ghost with a clenched fist and a broken cup next to him. His hands started to bleed heavily.
‘Damn shards, the cuts always bleed so badly’
“Simon, what the fuck was that” soap was getting up to help him but ghost just stood up and walked out of the room. Everyone was stunned and kept looking between soap and the empty doorway ghost just walked through.
‘What the fuck was that all about?’ thought soap.
-
Ghost nearly ran to his quarter. He shut the door with a loud bang and looked it. He ripped his masked over his nose, beginning to have trouble breathing with it covering his mouth.
‘You’re a cold hearted killer, Simon, did you hear that? A beast. /A monster/’
Tears started to sting his eyes and he stumbled to the floor. He though Johnny didn’t see him like that, like a killer, a beast, /a Monster/.
‘You’re nothing than a machine, Simon, a cooled blooded killer, a dog only good at follow orders and nothing more.’ Robas voice echoed in his head, telling him that he was worth nothing and that it was all his fault.
Ghost started to spiral, his mind repeating everything over and over again. He was now on all fours, his head feeling dizzy and acid started to bale up his throat. He started gagging as another wave of dizziness washed over him. Just in time, he managed to grab the bin as he began releasing the insides of his stomach into the bucket.
He was interrupted by someone knocking on his door.
“Ghost? It’s me, soap, you okay in there?”
Before he could answer, he gagged again and more vomit left his guts. To his misfortune, soap must have heard him because the door was opened rapidly and a worried scot was now sitting next to him on the floor. He started to slowly caress his back, causing goose bumps to spread over Ghosts back.
“Oh Si, what happened? Are you getting sick or-“
“Go away”
“What?! I’m not leaving you when your sick simon, i’m-“
“Go away!”
“But simon-“
“LEAVE!“ Ghost swatted soaps hand from his back, pushing him away from him.
“Simon, what’s wrong?! Did i do something wrong? Wha-“
“Just leave me alone, /Soap/“
‘Ouch’ johnny stopped arguing and reluctantly left, closing the door behind him.
-
The next day, soap wanted to talk to ghost about yesterday so he set out to find him. He first went to the cafeteria,‘maybe he made himself some tea for his stomach.’
Nope, the cafeteria was mostly empty, no ghost here.
Next stop was the training grounds, ‘maybe yelling at some new recruits could soothe his mind?’ Nope, again, no ghost in sight.
‘His quarters maybe? Perhaps he was actually sick and didn’t want to infect some innocent soldier? He doubted that that was the reason for ghost staying in his quarters but who cares.
But when he got there, no one answered the door. When he opened the door with his spare key, he just found the room empty, bed made and no evidence left of the shit that went off yesterday.
Frustrated, he made his way to the gym. The last spot where ghost could possibly be.
And lo and behold, there was ghost, punching a punching bag like it offended him personally.
There was blood staining his boxing hand wrappers.
’probably from the cup he’d broken yesterday’
Soap started to approach him slowly, like a predator approaching his prey. Only difference, /this/ prey probably already knew that soap was in the room when he first got here.
“Hey ghost, i wanted to talk to you about yesterday. Is everything okay? Did something go wrong?” Ghost strictly ignored him and kept punching the bag.
“Please Simon, don’t shut me out again. We talked about this, when you have a low image day you’ll let me help you and we’ll…”
“Shut up, soap” said ghost roughly, not sparing him a glance.
Soap was startled by ghosts answer. Normally, when his boyfriend didn’t feel well, he could get a little snappy but after an hour or max. a night for himself he would come and ask johnny for his help. But this… this was something else. He didn’t know how to handle this.
“Si, baby, please tell me what’s wrong. I’m starting to worry.”
”Leave me alone, sergeant, thats an order” ghost answered coldly. No room to argue.
“Fine! When you’ll get that massive stick out of your ass, come talk to me. But before that, DON’T.” Soap was raising his voice and some people turned their heads their way but he didn’t care.
“I don’t know whats wrong or what i did but don’t come talking to me until you’re back to your senses” and with that soap left the room.
When soap got back to his quarter, he just let himself fall in to bed and started to sob. He was shocked and hurt from Simons behavior. He knew that ghost probably wasn’t doing it on purpose and was just hurting inside but that made the situation even worse. He knew that something was wrong and his boyfriend didn’t want his help. When they first started dating he knew that there was a possibility that Simon may close himself up again but he didn’t think that it could happen just over night. He was determined to help Simon but the man clearly didn’t want his help and he wasn’t going to push it. He’ll come to him when he is ready.
-
For the next week, ghost was rarely seen. He was sometimes spotted in the gym or on the training grounds but other then that nobody saw him. Johnny started to get really worried about his boyfriend. Those episodes he sometimes had never lasted that long. There was little time to worry when price told them one night that there were heading out again.
The next evening, they started to get dressed and pack the stuff needed for the mission. Normally, soap and ghost would help each other to gear up but this time ghost stood at the far end of the armory. Gaz shot soap a concerned look and Rudy exchanged a worried glance with alejandro. They started to head out, ghost didn’t say a word the whole time.
During the mission, ghost just talked to give orders. No joking around, No soothing voice in soaps ear, even price noticed ghosts unusual behavior.
Soap was stationed near the entrance of the building to keep the surroundings clear, gaz and price went in the building and were trying to find the USB stick. Rudy and alejandro were at both ends of the town to warn them if there were any vehicles approaching the village and ghost was stationed on a high building, keeping overwatch with his sniper. The town was quite big so better be save than sorry.
After half an hour of pure silence, johnny finally had enough.
“Ghost, how copy?”
Nothing
“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with you but could you at least answer me when i’m trying to check on you?!”
Silence
“Ghost?”
“Simon?!”
‘Fuckfuckfuck’
“Price! Ghost isn’t answering. I think something happened. We have to abort the mission”
“WHAT! Shit, Rudy, Alejandro, did someone enter the town?!”
“No amigo, no vehicles even passed /near/ the town”
“They must be somewhere in town. Soap, Rudy and alejandro, abandon your positions and try to find ghost. Gaz and I will join you after we find the USB. Copy?”
“Copy”s echoed through the comms.
They met at one of the entrances of the town and started their search. They were clearing all the houses with maximum effectiveness but there were just so many. They made slow progress and every building they searched was empty. After an hour, they’ve searched half the town and there was still no sign of ghost. During that hour, Rudy went to ghost position and he only found the abandoned rival. Soap was getting more stressed out by the minute and alejandro desperately tried to reassure him that they will find him.
Another 30 minutes had passed when they finally made it to the old factory at the near end of town. There were noises coming from the basement and they wasted no time in clearing the building and heading downstairs. There was only one door at the end of an alley, the noises getting clearer as they approached.
The noises suddenly stopped and soaps heart skipped a beat. Alejandro kicked the door open and all three men were shocked by what was behind the door.
Standing in the middle of the room surrounded by at least ten dead bodies and an unknown amount of blood, was ghost. He had his back turned to the door and his shoulders were visibly heaving up and down as he breathed heavily. His upper body was stripped from his gear and there were cuts and bruises all over his back. They must have captured and tried to interrogating him while they were searching the town. Ghost still didn’t notice them. He didn’t even react when soap touched his shoulder to get his attention.
“Hey, ghost? You okay? What happened here?” Soap said in a light voice. He mustered ghosts body just to check the amount of injuries he had. It wasn’t too bad, the cuts were rather shallow, some of them still needed stitches, and the bruises would fade with time. What concerned soap was the lack of reaction and the state ghosts hands were in. They were shaking violently and were /covered/ in blood, it even reached the upper part of his forearm. Johnny slowly started to reach for his hand, as it was pulled away abruptly. Ghost turned on his heals and started to walk out of the room, Rudy and alejandro stepping out of his way without a word.
-
Ghost didn’t speak for the rest of the flight back to base. He was just sitting there, staring into nothing and still covered in blood. After he had left the room, they had found him in, without a word, he just went to the RV point and sat in the helo, who was already waiting for them with price and gaz. They asked what happened but they didn’t get an answer.
They arrived late at night and ghost was sent to medical immediately. The rest of them attended the debrief. Soap wanted to stay with Simon but he was told by price that he could go see him after the debrief. He reluctantly agreed and just wanted to get it over with. After they were finished, all of them went to medical to see how ghost was doing. They were welcomed by a lovely nurse, who showed them the way to ghosts room. However, when she opened the door, they were greeted by an empty bed. And with that, all hell broke loss.
Everyone started yelling and soap even berated the poor nurse. Looking back, it was a bit mean because it wasn’t her fault that ghost was missing /again/ but johnny didn’t care at that moment.
All of them started to search the whole base. Gaz went to the barracks, price to ghosts office, Rudy to the cafeteria, alejandro to the common room and soap to the training grounds. There was no sign of ghost.
Nowhere.
They met in the common room and were discussing where to search next. “Maybe in the kitchen?”gaz suggested.
“No, already went there on the way to the training grounds” “Office?” “Is locked” “armory?” “Locked” “Showers?” “Locked” “Gym” “lock- wait? … Did somebody check the gym?” No answer.
Soap was out of the common room in no time. The rest hot on his heels.
When they burst into the gym, they found ghost, beating a punching bag like a mad man. His knuckles were bare and already bleeding from the punches. The stitches he got in medical were already starting to rip and blood was slowly dribbling down his back.
Soap was livid.
‘How could he just leave medical care and scare the shit out of them.’
He stomped towards ghost, ready to yell at him.
“WHAT THE FUCK SIMON!! You’re supposed to be in medical, not here ripping your stitches! Do you even know how /worried/ I was about you! How could you even escape the doctors?! I was scarred to death!! What were you even thinking!!! God, sometimes you really get on my nerv-”
“THEN LEAVE!! Leave, if i’m such a burden you have to care about all the time! Nobody’s stopping you! You could have left me back in the town with them and just left!!”
“Why would i leave you, Simon! I would never leave you. I-“
“WHY!! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME!! You’d be better off without me by your side!! Without A MONSTER by your side!” Angry tiers started to fall from his eyes, getting caught by the mask.
Johnnys anger immediately vanished and was exchanged by confusion and worry.
“What are you talking about, Simon? You’re not a monster y-“
“OH STOP IT, i’ve heard you all rambling about me. Gaz called me a cold hearted killer, Alejandro called me a beast and you…,” his voice broke in to a whisper,”you called me a monster, johnny, a monster.” His mask was getting soaked in tears.
“Do you think i /want/ to be like this. Do you /all/ think i want to be a killer, a soul less body, a ghost?” He was now talking to all the shocked men in the room.
“Oh Simon, we didn’t mean that, we-“
“OF COURSE YOU DID!! BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!! I am NOTHING but a dog, ready to follow every command he is given. I know what i am but i didn’t want you guys to see me the same way, but clearly you do and i can’t change that. So. Leave. Me. Alone. Or i will show you the /monster/ that I am” And with that ghost stormed out of the gym, leaving all of them stunned.
-
This time, ghost /ran/ to his room. The Voices in his head were yelling at him.
‘You’re a disappointment. They’re better off without you. You’re nothing but a weapon. It’s your fault, Simon, it was all. Your. Fault.’
His father, roba, vernon and even his mother were yelling at him. He stormed into his room and went straight for his bathroom. He stumbled to his mirror and ripped his mask off of his face. In the mirror was his father, staring back at him. He couldn’t even look at himself so he punched the mirror and it broke, leaving shards all over the bathroom sink. Ghosts hand started to shack again and everything started to itch.
Without even taking of his trousers, he went into the shower and frantically started rubbing at his skin, trying to wash the itchy feeling away. He closed his eyes and tried to relax but nothing worked.
When he opened his eye again, he was sitting on the floor and water was damping his trousers.
He didn’t know for how long he was sitting there, water still raining down on him, when there was a fine knock at the bathroom door.
“Simon, it’s johnny. Can i please come in?”
‘Fuck! He must have forgotten to lock the door’ He didn’t want to answer. So, he didn’t.
“I know you’re in there. If you don’t open the door, i will.”
No answer
“I’ll open the door now.”
The door was opened a bit.
“I’m coming in, okay?”
The door opened fully and johnny was now standing in the bathroom. He made a quick scan of the room and found that the mirror was broken and a little bit of blood was on the shards.
“Did you cut your hands? I can take care of them if you want?” Johnny asked softly.
Still no answer
“I just wanted to talk to you, Simon… Please?” It was a soft plead, full of honest concern.
Silence
Johnny slowly walked over to the shower and reached carefully for the shower curtain.
When johnny pushed the curtain out of the way, he saw Simon sitting in the shower. Tears streaming down Simons face, mixing with the black paint around his eyes. He had a thousand yard stare and was just looking straight ahead at the shower wall.
“Oh baby” johnny sounded heartbroken. He immediately sat next to Simon in the shower, not caring that his own clothes are getting wet.
More tears started to fall down Simons cheeks as he whispered:” I- I’m a Monster”
“NO Simon, please look at me,” soap said sternly, turning so he was facing Simon” you are /not/ a monster, do you hear me? You are not heartless. You are the only person who can keep up with my jittery behavior. You are the one who makes me tea when i’m sick. You are the one telling me stupid jokes to keep me grounded,” there was deep sadness in his voice.
“And it’s not only me that you care about. You taught gaz how to throw knifes when he got jabbed by one. You took care of his houseplants when he was on medical leave. You help price all the time with his paperwork so he doesn’t work himself to death. You buy him a new pack of cigars when he has almost none left.” Johnny looked so fondly at Simon and there was so much love in his eyes. Simon still didn’t look at him and kept looking at the wall ahead.
“Even if you don’t see it, you care about us in more than just one way. You are not cold hearted, you are no beast. You are the most caring person I know and i’m sorry if those words came out wrong. We were just amazed at what a good soldier you are. You saved our asses multiple times and most of the 141 would be dead already without you.” There were tears now rolling down johnny face too.
Simon didn’t want to believe him. He was still far away, deep in his mind and still not looking at johnny ‘No, he’s a monster. He doesn’t deserve love. He-“
“Please don’t listen to dose thoughts, Simon, please. They are wrong. You are the best soldier i know and you are deserving of love and care. Please listen to my words, not those in your head.” There was light desperation in Johnnys voice.
Slowly, the voices are getting quieter, but Simon still wasn’t fully convinced that soap was telling the truth. ‘But what about-‘
“I’m not lying, Simon. You are not a monster. You deserve love and you deserve care. Please, baby, please come back to me. I love you and i don’t want you to lose yourself in those thoughts. Please come back to me, please” he whispered, tears running freely down his cheeks and clothes soaked with water.
Finally ghost turned his head and looked directly into Johnny’s eyes.
“Johnny” he choked out, voice shaking. He was breaking.
“Let it out, baby. It’s okay” and with that the walls broke and Simon was sobbing. He was bawling into Johnnys shoulder, clinging to him like a lifeline. Johnny just hugged him and slowly stroked his back.
“It’s okay, Simon. It’s okay”
-
After an hour, the crying stopped and only little sniffles were left.
“Ready to step out of the shower?”
A small nod was the answer and johnny slowly got up to his feet. He reached a hand out for Simon and helped him stand on wobbly feet. They got out of the shower, into the little space of the bathroom. He sat Simon on the toilet lid and dried his hair with a towel, leaving little kisses on the top of his head and forehead. After he also dried himself he goes in search of the first aid kit that was somewhere in the bathroom.
Opening the kid, he took everything he needed and set it on the floor next to the toilet. He kneeled down in between Simons legs and took one of his hands, carefully inspecting the damaged that was done by the bunching and the mirror. He took one of the disinfectant wipes and gingerly whipped over the wounds on Simons knuckles. He didn’t even flinch and just looked down at johnny, still not quite feeling himself.
Johnny wrapped his hands with some bandages and proceeded to do the same with the second hand. Once he was done taking care of Simons injuries, he went out of the bathroom to get some dry clothes for them. For Simon he got a some gray sweatpants, boxers and a black hoodie and for himself he got some of his own boxer he had left there some day prior and one of ghosts hoodies. He stripped and put on his new, dried clothes, then he went and helped Simon. Before putting on the hoodie though, he checked the stitches on Simons back. Some of the threads were torn and needed to get stitched up again but the wounds stopped bleeding so they could go to medical tomorrow morning. He used some steri-strips and bandaged so if the wounds would reopen overnight, the bleeding wouldn’t be to bad.
After they both were dry and in some warm clothes, johnny slowly lead Simon into the bedroom. He guided him to the bed and helped him lay down, crawling in after him.
Simon was laying on his back, starring at the ceiling, with johnny hugging him from the side.
‘How did he get so lucky with johnny? How was he worthy of so much love and care from the other man? How-‘
“Don't lose your self again, love. I would do this every day for the rest of my life if it met that i could show you how much you are loved. How much /I/ love you.” Johnny gave him a kiss on the check and nested back between his neck and shoulder.
“I’m sorry”
“There is nothing to be sorry for, love.”
“Yes, i’m sorry for how i acted the last week. I just wasn’t in the right state of mind and i’m sorry about-“
“Simon, baby, you were hurt because of what i said about you. It’s normal to be upset about something like that. You could’ve come and told me but it’s okay.”
“Okay… i love you johnny.”
“I know, Simon, and i love you too. So, so much.”
Simon turned his head to look at him. Johnny smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips. And another one. And another. Another. Another… finally, after the tenth kiss he leaned in for a long, tender one. Simon lightly hummed and closed his eyes. When johnny pulled away he looked into Simons eye
“God, i love you so much.”
“I love you too.”