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Techno was nervous to say the least. Their team was moving into the high school division since he just turned 14 and started 9th grade. They had just had their first practice of the season and Phil took that as an opportunity to throw a giant curve ball at him.
During the meeting Phil had announced that since they were in the high school division he was going to appoint a team captain for the first time. Phil didn’t do it when they were in middle school because he wanted to keep them all equal but apparently since they were in high school now he thought it was necessary.
“So… I know I’ve never done captains before but you all are getting older and the rest of the league does it so I thought it was time.” A couple of team members clapped, including Schlatt and new members George and Sapnap, but Techno stood stick still.
He had been hurt last season and missed out on playing in the championship game with his team. He still got to go and sit on the sidelines, he even helped pick some of the plays, but he didn’t really help. They didn’t win.
Techno had been in physical therapy all summer and only played real hockey a couple of times before the season started. No one could deny it. He was rusty. Not even privates with Phil could knock off the rough edges.
“Now, I’ve known…” Phil looked around, “almost all of you for a couple years at this point and I see such great potential in all of you but the young man I have chosen is a leader and I know that he will guide all of you well. He’s grown a lot this past season. Dealing with injury, rehab, and I’ve known him for…” Phil paused, “Well- most of his hockey career. This person- is Techno.” Phil pointed towards him.
Everyone clapped but Techno felt like he was going to throw up.
While Techno had finally hit a growth spurt, being that he was now taller than most of the boys on his team, he was still too skinny. Working to put on muscle was difficult when there was hardly ever food in the house.
His mom was working consistently but that didn’t mean they were off the hook. Things were still tight and Techno still had a million things to do. It didn’t help that school had only gotten harder and his father had only gotten harsher.
High school sucked but Techno forced himself to keep his grades up. It didn’t help though when people decided to give him or others a hard time for no reason. Techno had already gotten into a multitude of fights all because he didn’t take crap from anyone and he wouldn’t sit idly by and watch people beat up others for fun.
Techno would protect his team most of all. Nothing could ever happen to them. As long as they were all happy and cared for Techno didn’t need anything else. Techno never asked for anything.
Despite all that though, Techno didn’t feel like a leader.
Techno felt like a coward. He stood up for other people, sure, but it was pretty pathetic when he couldn’t do the same for himself. Not when it really mattered. Not when his mom had him doing grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and other chores on top of his practices, games, and school. Not when his father pinned him against a wall and dealt blow after blow to the stomach.
And after all that he didn’t know when the last time he had a home cooked meal was.
Phil was right in his assessment that Techno had a tough last season. He fractured his ankle five months in and had to sit out for the rest of the season to let it heal. Then his private lessons that summer turned into physical therapy.
Techno had never been more embarrassed than when Phil had to beg his mom to take him to the hospital. The only thing it did was ruin his season and give his mom another thing to resent him for. Despite all that though, Phil seemed pretty proud of himself. He never would have let Techno play hurt. Plus Techno got to learn strategy instead. That was probably another reason Phil stupidly had for making him captain.
▢▢▢
The first thing that Techno saw a change in was at practices. He had to get there even earlier to help Phil set up and manage what they were doing. He took leads on drills and overall, by the end of his first practice as captain, he tired himself out a lot more than any other hockey practice had in a really long time.
Techno knew that coming back he was going to need to crack down on his conditioning. He was slow and weaker than he ever had been. Not to mention the underlying fear of re-injury.
Part of Techno hated it all. He felt like he wasn’t meant for this position of power or leadership. He already had so much going on and was worried the stress would get to him. Again. He had anxiety and yet when Phil walked up to him after that first practice, none of it really mattered anymore.
“Good job, mate. I know that was hard. It’s new and you might not really think it’s your thing. If it really bothers you I’ll change it but… I see so much potential in you, Techno. These guys look up to you and you are a great role model.” No, I’m not. Techno thought.
“Thank you, coach.” Techno ground out. Phil patted his shoulder as he left with the cones while Techno tied his shoes.
It was that moment that made Techno want it. If Phil believed in him nothing else mattered. It had nothing to do with the fact that he craved Phil’s fatherly approval. He could handle it even though he was eating less, sleeping less, doing more chores, more school. It didn’t matter. He knew what he was doing. And he was doing it for Phil.
After that practices went quickly and soon enough they were at their first game. Techno had been so stressed the night before that he hadn’t finished any of his homework for the next day, let alone eat or clean or get eight hours of sleep.
His mom had ripped into him that morning when she saw none of his chores done. She didn’t apologize this time when she slapped him.
His mother just loved to remind him just how lucky he was that she took him full time when her work paid so little now.
The second he got out of school he ignored all his missing assignments and immediately headed to the rink where their first game was happening. He knew he needed a little bit more practice. His turns had been inaccurate and sloppy. Not captain material. But no matter how many times Techno practiced them he wasn’t improving and he didn’t seem to notice that he was actually getting slower.
When their game started the first and second third went by in a haze. He was trying his best but no matter how many shots he took or passes he intercepted they were still losing by three points. By the time they took their final timeout Phil was looking at him with something that Techno couldn’t place. All he felt was anger at himself so he assumed Phil felt the same. He was too tired and mad at himself to see the lines of worry on Phil’s face.
When the last third started Techno was determined to score at least once.
It took about two minutes but soon enough he had the puck and was speeding down the ice, unopposed. All the speed and turning drills he worked so hard on were for this moment. So he could score in this moment. So they would win and Phil would be proud of him.
Maybe if he was a winner his dad wouldn’t hit him so much.
Techno took off but right as he passed half court Techno felt himself lose his traction. He was falling and it forced him to take the shot earlier than planned to try and avoid both missing and slamming straight into a wall.
Unfortunately for Techno he didn’t avoid either of those things.
He slammed into the wall just late enough to see the puck miss by what must have been 10 feet.
They lost the game and, to Techno, their post game talk was like swallowing poison.
Phil was calm and kind the way he always was but Techno couldn’t silence the self-destructive spiral in his head. If he was faster, smarter, healthier-
If he appeased his mother, his father- if he wasn’t just a waste of space.
Soon enough Techno stood in the lobby of the rink, fuming. Everyone else was getting picked up by now. Techno knew he was taking the bus home.
His mom wanted nothing to do with him and his dad- Techno couldn’t call his dad.
Techno had watched the 7:00 bus go. He could have gotten on it, sat at home in the silence and listen to his own stomach growl because he had forgotten to do the shopping. He didn’t even know if there was money on the card his mother had given him. If not Techno just figured he’d have to dig into his tutoring money that he made during free period.
As Techno stood there looking at the all the people and other players with their families Phil walked up and placed a firm hand on his shoulder.
“It was a good game, Techno. First of the new season. First in a new league.” He smiled. Excuses. Techno thought. I should be better than that. “I thought you did a good job.”
“Thanks.” Techno replied dryly. The man was wrong.
“You got a ride?” Phil asked, the way he always did. That was something else Techno admired about Phil. He was always ready to help him. Phil never saw it as an inconvenience. Good thing Techno did.
“Yeah, bus.” Techno told him truthfully. He’d been taking the bus for as long as he’d known Phil so the man didn’t magically have a problem with it now, unless he was injured, which he wasn’t.
What Techno didn’t tell him was that he was getting on the bus in an hour and not 10 minutes.
“Alright, good. Need my captain like new for practice tomorrow.” Phil smiled and looked down at his phone as he walked away and Techno thanked prime for that as he grimaced painfully at the thought of practice tomorrow.
Techno waited a few moments and then looked around. He didn’t see Phil.
Techno turned on his heels and made his way back into the rink. He sat to put his skates back on, laced them up quickly, then pushed himself up and onto the ice.
Except it didn’t feel the same as usual. It didn’t feel like the cold wind was clearing his mind, it felt like getting the wind knocked out of him and not being able to recover.
Techno ignored it and pushed further onto the ice. He tried to shake out the exhaustion that was tugging on every part of his body.
Techno couldn’t remember the last time he had an hour to himself. It seemed like he was always running from school to tutoring to chores to hockey to homework to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again.
Eating hadn’t stopped making him nauseous but Phil never stopped bringing him snacks. It didn’t change the fact though that the game had taken everything he had to offer and more. He had been running on fumes in the last third and he was running on empty now.
Techno felt even more pathetic.
His first game as team captain and not only did they lose but they lost bad and Techno didn’t even have the decency to play better than a five-year-old.
That was why after Techno took a few woozy laps he started some speed skating drills. He knew his body was exhausted and he was in pain but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stop.
One length on the ice. Again.
Five more reps. Didn’t come to a clean stop. Again.
Ten more. Felt wrong. Not good enough. Again.
Twenty. Just five more. Then you can rest.
Techno didn’t get that far though. He skidded to a stop on one side of the rink before racing for the other, finally picking up speed. The pass was going smoother than the others but right as he was about to start his skid he heard the rink door open.
Techno flinched. He tried to recover but he was too late. He lost focus for too long and was suddenly falling forward. Just like he stupidly had in the game. His brain reminded him sardonically. The next thing he knew his right ankle was twisting against the skate of his left and his cheek was scraping painfully against the ice.
He slid til he reached the opposite goal line and Techno, Techno honestly, just laid there for a moment, grimacing. Half in shock and half in pain. That was until he heard the door to the ice open and close quickly. His brain snapped itself back into reality.
No weakness. Not again. I’ll deal with it when I’m alone.
But even though his brain willed him to get up his body was well past its limits and he only managed to flip onto his back. He was acutely aware of the sound of sliding footsteps on the ice, footsteps that were nearing him.
He pushed himself up into a sitting position that took too much effort and it only made it more obvious to him how badly he had twisted his ankle and scraped his face up. He looked at the ice next to him and his suspicions were confirmed when he saw a thin trail of red on the ice. He lifted a hand to his face and it was wet to the touch. He winced. His ankle wasn’t bleeding, thank prime, but it was already throbbing. It didn’t help that his skate was digging into it uncomfortably.
He squeezed his eyes shut and felt the moment a shadow passed over him.
“-no! Techno!”
Techno knew that voice. He cringed but forced his eyes to open.
None other than Phil Watson, his longtime hockey coach and role model, was standing above him. Techno cringed again but this time in pain. His ankle was throbbing and the cold was making it feel as if it was burning.
“What the heck are you doing?” Phil asked harshly but not in a way that said he was angry, he was worried. He kneeled so he was on Techno’s level.
“You know,” Techno tried to keep it nonchalant despite his growing discomfort, “just taking a few cool down laps. Gotta stay loose after a game.” Techno slowly forced himself to his knees. “What are you still doing here?”
“Techno, you told me you were going home.” Phil scolded, ignoring the question. Not mentioning the fact that those were obviously speeding drills, not cool down laps and Phil knew that Techno knew the difference.
“I am. On my normal bus.” Techno made no move to get up further than his knees. His ankle made its self known again with a sharp pulse of pain. And prime, it was the same ankle that he fractured last year. That anxiety started to make his face buzz.
“But- but that bus isn’t coming til 8:30.”
“Hence why I’m occupying my time with cool down laps.” Techno snapped back and Phil frowned.
Techno’s patience had long since drained and the pain was making it almost impossible to focus on anything else. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes but he swallowed them back down. He couldn’t cry in front of Phil again. Not again.
Part of Techno yearned to. To let Phil take care of him. To just stop and breathe. To not worry about facing his dad or his mom finally snapping and kicking him out. To just be a kid.
Techno had been on his knees for too long so he forced his good foot under him before hovering the other one over the ice.
“Techno, you know those weren’t cool down laps so why are you lying to me?” Phil asked earnestly, standing with him. He had yet to notice Techno’s right foot hovering over the ice, taking no real weight except his skate.
Techno let that question hang in the air just a moment too long and realized it was because he didn’t have an answer for Phil.
That seemed to be invitation enough for Phil to keep talking.
“Let’s get you off the ice and to the trainers office.” Phil’s voice had softened and it felt like a heatwave in Techno’s heart contrasting the way the ice had been holding him.
“Trainer’s office?” Techno questioned, not only was he skeptical if he could walk that far but he also didn’t know what else for. Phil couldn’t know about his ankle already, right? Techno needed to know it was ok before he told Phil anything about it. He couldn’t have the man making him sit out. Not again.
“Your face is bleeding, mate.” Phil pointed to his face and Techno lifted a hand to it, “Don’t touch it, kid! Prime, it’s like no one raised you.” Techno snorted internally. Guess I’m not doing a bang up job by myself. “Let’s get off the ice. Come on.”
Phil placed a hand on Techno’s back and his whole body locked up at the burning touch, starkly contrasting the cold ice once again. Phil was like a fire. Lighting my way, Techno thought to himself. Phil gave him a little push and he gingerly got off the ice, using his right foot as little as possible without raising suspicion.
They made their way through the emptying hallways into the trainers office. The trainer had already gone home but Phil insisted he knew what he was doing enough to bandage Techno’s face. Techno had tried to mask his limping by walking regularly but it only made the pain worse.
It didn’t feel like anything was cracked or broken but Techno wasn’t really the judge of that. He was just hoping that Phil would finish up soon so he could take a look at it and maybe bandage it before getting on the bus.
Finally, Phil placed a bandage on his face and stepped back to admire his work. Techno felt like a bug under a microscope.
“Thank you, Phil. I appreciate this. I really do. I’m just gonna go sit with my stuff. I’ll be gone soon, I promise. You should go home.”
“Techno, would you please let me give you a ride home?”
“I don’t want to be a bother-“
“Techno, you are never a bother. Never you.”
Techno paused.
“…a ride would be nice.” He conceded.
“Thank you. Come on. Let’s go get your stuff. My stuff is already in the car.” Techno carefully hopped off the table and prepared for the journey back to the ice then Phil’s car.
▢▢▢
Techno limped a little ways behind Phil. He couldn’t keep his stride next to the man anymore so he let himself fall back. Phil hadn’t questioned it. Probably equating it to him being tired or because of his fall. Either way he only looked back once and Techno made sure to correct his gate when he did.
They reached Phil’s car soon enough. It was an older dark green car with a small dent on the back left corner. Techno may or may not have launched a hockey puck into it one time when they were playing street hockey. Techno smiled.
Then Techno suddenly felt himself falling, tripping over his own feet in his disoriented state, his hands landed on the rough, uneven gravel below them and his eyes screwed shut in pain. Techno couldn’t help the small yelp that he let out as his hands hit the ground and his ankle was aggravated.
Phil was next to him in an instant.
“You ok? Having quite the day huh, mate?” Phil laughed a little bit but stopped as soon as he looked at Techno’s face. Techno didn’t understand why Phil was looking at him like that until he felt it himself.
Tears. Running down his face in hot, wet, uncomfortable streams.
“I- I’m fine- I just-” Techno couldn’t get another word out without letting out the sob inside of him.
“Oh, Techno… what’s wrong?” Phil offered him a hand up but Techno just sat there in front of the man, lifeless, leaned up against the back tire of his car.
Techno had the urge to wipe his hands across his face, smother the tears, and go on like he was fine (like he was supposed to). But the pain in his ankle bubbled and he knew… he knew Phil would make it better. No matter the consequences later, that was all he wanted.
“My ank-“ the sobs finally started to escape Techno, “My ankle, Phil. It hurts so much. And it’s the same one as last year and- and I’m just really scared.” His chest was rising and falling too fast now and he started to get dizzier and dizzier.
“Ok, ok, it’s gonna be alright, Techno. Just sit really still for me. I’m gonna put your stuff in my trunk and I’ll be right back, ok?” Techno nodded weakly and tried to wipe away the tears with the back of his hands. Phil picked up the bags that he had dropped and took them to the back of the car then returned a moment later.
“Alright Techno, I’m going to help you up and we’re going to get you in the back seat so you can put your ankle up.” Phil explained.
“O- ok.” Techno had composed himself but he still couldn’t help the way his voice shook. Prime, he was so exhausted.
Phil grabbed one of his arms and Techno anchored the other against the mans car. They pulled up and Techno got his left foot under him while leaving his right hovering. Then they moved, opened the door, and started maneuvering Techno into the back seat.
Once he was sprawled out, and buckled to the best of his ability, Phil got in the front seat and started to drive. Techno wasn’t paying much attention to where they we’re going until Phil got on the highway.
“Phil, where are we going?” Techno asked, he already knew the answer but he desperately hoped he was wrong.
“Sorry Techno,” Phil looked in the mirror to see him and Techno could see the apology in the mans eyes, “I can’t let this go un-checked. Gotta take care of my captain.” Phil said confidently. Techno scoffed.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Phil asked.
“Heck of a captain I am.” Techno mumbled.
“Techno, just because we lost our first game doesn’t mean you’re a bad captain. Do you know of a single captain who has won every single game he’s played in?” Techno stayed silent. “Exactly. Techno, this is your first time. You are going to grow and learn.”
“Yeah, and what if I screw everything up and ruin everyone’s lives?” Techno asked, the tears returning. “…more than I already have…” He added quietly and he didn’t know if Phil heard him or not.
When he looked in the mirror again Phil looked pained and horrified.
“Technoblade listen to me.” Phil started, looking at him intermittently in the mirror. “You are not, nor have you ever, ruined anyone’s life. You are just a kid.”
“I’m fourteen.” Techno protested and Phil laughed.
“Definitely still a kid.” Phil sighed, “And Techno? You are going to screw up. A lot. Big time. But the thing is… I will be there every time to pick you back up. We are figuring this out together, ok?”
“Ok.” Techno sighed, feeling just a little bit relieved. They fell into a comfortable silence and Techno almost fell asleep until Phil asked him another question.
“Are your parents going to wonder where you are? You should text them.” Techno had to hold in a scoff.
He was going to take the bus to his dad’s tonight because it was Friday and dread was the only way to describe it. His dad would be angry and drunk just like he always was. He would let Techno have a small amount of food, hurt him for breaking one of his stupid rules that Techno couldn’t even remember, and then send him to his room for the rest of the weekend.
“Nah, mom’s got a double shift at the clinic.” Techno finally replied, “And while I was supposed to head to my dad’s tonight… he’ll be out.” Techno said vaguely, he didn’t give specifics with Phil. He couldn’t. Phil worried too much and Techno… Techno was fine. He didn’t want Phil to be worried about him. That was why he didn’t talk about his parents much, despite how close he was with Phil.
Phil just frowned again in the rear view mirror and Techno looked away. He knew his family was pretty crappy. He didn’t need to make eye contact with Phil and make it worse.
“Tech-“
“Don’t call me that.”
Phil sighed, “Sorry, mate…”
“It’ll be ok.” He reassured. Techno hesitated.
“Maybe.”
Probably not.