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Kazuma wasn’t prepared to see Barok’s face again at that party—then again, he would probably never be.
Maybe if he had enough time to prepare, he would be able to force a smile and polite conversation, but suddenly like that… It brought back a wave of unresolved feelings he wasn’t yet ready to confront.
Not only that, but the timing couldn’t possibly be worse. That was an important day for his uncle Mikotoba and Mr. Sholmes. They had been living a married life for over a decade, but had finally decided to make it official, with a big party, matching rings, and everything else.
The last thing Kazuma wanted was to ruin that special day. And he didn’t trust himself to keep his cool close to Barok. So, he kept his distance, walking away whenever he noticed Barok was getting too close, avoiding looking at his face at all costs.
Tired of circling that place, Kazuma pulled a chair on an empty corner at the back of the hall, then lowered his head, trying to ignore the slight twist in his stomach. He wished he could be enjoying the party like everyone else, but all he wanted was to go home. Soon, he noticed someone approaching him through the corner of his eyes, which made his heart jump. Thankfully, though, it was Ryunosuke, who pulled a chair to sit beside him.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi.”
Somehow, Kazuma knew what he was about to say even before he opened his mouth.
“So, uh…” Ryunosuke moved closer to him, whispering. “Barok is here.”
Kazuma sighed. “I’m aware.”
“Shouldn’t you, you know… Talk to him?”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?” Ryunosuke furrowed his brow. “He left the country for years… Don’t you want to—”
“I have nothing to say to him.”
Ryunosuke seemed about to protest, but ended up just pouting. “Alright… Forget I asked.”
Kazuma didn’t say anything else. He knew Ryunosuke meant well, but he just didn’t want to talk about that man. Damn, he thought he was finally over it… And the most frustrating thing was that an annoying, hopeful part of him did want to talk to Barok. Just ask him how he was after so long, and spend some time with him, even if it led to nothing else.
Kazuma raised his head, risking a glance in Barok’s direction. He was already looking at Kazuma, and their gazes met for a second—which was enough to make everything inside Kazuma seem about to crumble. He quickly lowered his eyes, standing up from his chair.
“I’ll go take a walk.”
“Alright…” Ryunosuke reached for his hand, then placed his still full glass of champagne there. “Here. I think you need this more than I do.”
“Thanks.”
He took a large sip from that glass, then walked toward the back door, reaching a small open area. There was no one else there, to which he was silently thankful. He approached a wooden bench, sitting on it, slowly letting out his breath while his heart raced in his chest.
Why did Barok still have such an effect on him? It had been five years already… More than enough time for anyone to forget their past lover, and maybe even find a new one.
But, of course, he knew it wouldn’t be so easy. He had known Barok ever since he could remember, thanks to the friendship between his father and Klint van Zieks. The two of them had been inseparable since their childhood. So, when Kazuma finally confessed his feelings during high school, it all felt… like it was meant to be. He had never imagined anyone else by his side—nor had he wanted to.
And yet, that relationship didn’t last much more than one year. When Barok graduated, he also put an end to it. Kazuma didn’t even know what he did wrong… All he got was a muttered “I can’t see a future for us”. They didn’t speak after that, but a naive part of Kazuma still believed it was just a matter of time before things got back into place, like they always did.
But then, a few weeks later, his father told him that Barok had left the country, and would be studying abroad for the following years. And that was it. No explanations, no goodbyes… Only that bitter feeling he tried so hard to keep buried in his chest for years, only for it to overcome him again as soon as he saw Barok’s face. He wished he could feel nothing for him, but things would never be that simple, would they?
Kazuma took another sip from his glass. Then, after some pondering, set it aside: the last thing he needed was to get drunk and do something stupid. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and his forehead on his crossed fingers, staying like that until he heard the door opening. Kazuma raised his head, and his heart almost stopped when he realized the person before him was the same one that haunted his thoughts.
“Escaping from the crowd, as well?” asked Barok.
Kazuma didn’t respond, looking away. Barok also stayed silent for a moment, then finally added in a lower voice.
“It has been a while.”
A bitter feeling took over Kazuma’s chest. “Almost five years.”
“Yes.” Barok seemed to hesitate briefly. “Mind if I take a seat?”
Kazuma simply shrugged, and Barok sat on the opposite end of the bench, keeping a distance between them. He didn’t say anything else, and the silence soon started to leave Kazuma restless. He didn’t really feel like making small talk, but it was still better than that.
“I heard you spent some time abroad,” said Kazuma, finally.
“Yes, in Germany.”
“That’s great.”
Silence again.
“How have you been?” asked Barok after a while.
“Doing well enough.” He almost gave a more detailed response, but stopped himself: why should it even matter to him? “And you?”
“Me too.”
And, like that, the conversation reached another dead-end, the heavy silence growing more uncomfortable by the second. At some point, Kazuma just couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Maybe I should go back inside,” he said.
Kazuma stood up, but before he could reach the door, Barok’s voice stopped him.
“I missed you.”
Those words were enough to make a twisted ball of conflicting feelings grow inside Kazuma’s chest.
“What are you trying to say?” he asked without looking at Barok.
“I don’t know. I just looked at you, and… I didn’t want to let it end like this.”
“Didn’t you end it, already?”
Barok didn’t answer. That resentful, instinctive part of Kazuma urged him to leave that conversation. Yet, at the same time, he didn’t want to let things end like that, either. He turned around, facing Barok.
“If you want to say something,” he murmured, “then say it now, or I’m leaving.”
“I am sorry.”
That apology sounded so sincere that it broke his defenses a little.
“I was too young back then,” Barok continued. “Too insecure. And what I felt for you was much stronger than what my inexperienced self could handle. I caught myself thinking of everything that could go wrong, and… I suppose I tried to put an end to it before it became too painful.”
“You told me you couldn’t see a future for us.”
Barok lowered his gaze. “I couldn’t, back then.”
“I thought you didn’t love me.”
“I did. More than anything, but… I was sure it was a matter of time before you grew tired of me.”
“Why would I?”
“At the time, I could give you a hundred reasons.” Barok showed a pained smile. “But now, they all feel so silly it is embarrassing to even think about.”
Kazuma stayed silent for a moment, thinking. Many times, he had wondered if it had been his fault that things hadn’t worked out. And he had found countless reasons for it: most of which he knew were absurd, but a few that, especially after hearing Barok’s words, seemed to make some sense.
“I… understand,” said Kazuma.
Barok seemed surprised. “Do you?”
“I shouldn’t be throwing all the blame on you.” Kazuma looked away, hugging his own arms. “I know I wasn’t the best at… showing how I felt, especially with words. Even now, I’m still pretty bad at this kind of thing.” He lowered his voice. “I did love you, though.”
“I can see it now.”
Kazuma bit the inside of his lip, needing a moment before he gathered the courage to—this time without fail—turn those feelings into words.
“I missed you too.”
Barok simply looked at him, and Kazuma reluctantly met his gaze. After a moment of hesitation from both parties, they closed that distance between them. Kazuma hugged Barok’s waist, and Barok held him against his chest, bringing a hand to his head, holding him close. His warmth was still so familiar… It was foolish to try to deny it: he still loved that man, so much it hurt.
“I never stopped thinking about you,” said Barok.
“I tried to,” said Kazuma. “But I couldn’t… I haven’t been with anyone since you. Not seriously, at least.”
“Me neither. Part of me always hoped that things would sort themselves out, somehow.”
Kazuma moved slightly away, looking at his face. “Why didn’t you talk to me, then?”
“I almost did, many times. But I always lost my courage.”
And Kazuma had been too proud to even consider doing it.
“Maybe it was good that you didn’t, though…” Kazuma couldn’t hold back a bitter smile. “If you called me, I’d hang up without thinking.”
“I thought you would.”
His tone wasn’t accusatory, but the answer still made his heart sting. It had taken so little to separate them… They lost five years, and all because neither of them had been mature enough to actually try to mend that relationship.
He was brought back from those thoughts by Barok’s slightly cold touch. He caressed Kazuma’s cheek, his eyes slowly going down his face. Kazuma looked at him as well, paying attention to the small differences in his face, brought by those past five years. Despite them all, he didn’t look that different from the Barok he remembered.
“Kazuma,” said Barok. “I know it didn’t end well last time, but… My feelings for you haven’t changed. And seeing you again only made it much clearer… I still love you.”
He stopped, pressing his lips into a line, seeming to struggle with the words.
“Tell me… Is there any chance we could give our relationship another try? If you say no, I will never ask again. But I need a clear answer.”
That question lifted a terrible weight from Kazuma’s chest.
“Well…” he said. “I think we wouldn’t make the same mistakes this time.”
“I hope not.”
“You’re not inspiring much confidence…”
Barok chuckled nervously. “My apologies. I’ve been thinking of everything I wanted to say to you since I came back, but now… My mind is completely blank.”
“I don’t think I’m much better.”
Not knowing what else to say at that moment, Kazuma held Barok’s hand between his for a moment, then brought it to his lips, kissing the back of his fingers.
“I want to be with you,” he said. “And, this time, I won’t let go of you so easily.”
Barok smiled. “Neither of us will.”
Kazuma returned the smile. He reached for Barok’s head, brushing his hair away from his face before cupping his cheek; he closed his eyes, standing on the tip of his toes. Barok leaned down, meeting him halfway.
Their lips touched softly, and for a moment neither of them moved. Then, slowly, they melted into that kiss, all the pain, the regrets, and that quiet longing giving place to something else—much stronger and sweeter, and also slightly nostalgic.
Kazuma hadn’t realized just how much he missed Barok until that very moment. Not only his touch, but all of him… He had been such an integral part of Kazuma’s life that, now that they were together again, he had no idea how he managed to stay away from him for so long.
They broke that kiss, but didn’t move away for a while, lips lightly brushing against each other as they caught their breaths. Kazuma opened his eyes, meeting Barok’s gaze; Barok cupped his face, placing a kiss on Kazuma’s forehead, which got a small, pleased laugh from him. They moved to the bench, sitting side by side, leaning against each other with their hands joined.
“We have much to talk about,” said Barok.
“We do. But, for now…” Kazuma closed his eyes, resting his head on Barok’s shoulder. “I just want to enjoy this for a while longer.”
Barok leaned his head against Kazuma’s, who could hear the smile in his voice when he answered.
“Me too.”
They allowed themselves to enjoy that moment for a few minutes, then finally decided to rejoin the others inside before their absence was noticed. They did, however, keep their arms linked, still unwilling to let go after such a long time apart.
When they entered the main hall, Ryunosuke soon noticed them, widening his eyes and mouth in an almost comical way. He laughed, then gestured at Susato and Gina, pointing at the pair. Susato covered her mouth with both hands, and Gina raised her fist high in the air. Their reactions soon shifted more curious gazes toward them. Kazuma looked away, his face burning at all the attention.
But that was far from being the end…
“Dear guests,” Sholmes suddenly said, borrowing the microphone. “I would like to propose a toast to a pair of very valuable guests.”
He raised his glass high, and many mimicked the gesture, especially their families and friends. Kazuma grunted: why did they all have to be so embarrassing…?
And yet, he didn’t let go of Barok, who, despite the flushed face, had a soft smile on his lips—which was enough to make Kazuma smile as well, feeling happier at that moment than he had in a long time.