Archive of Our Own

It was all Charlie’s idea, though Todd couldn’t remember exactly how that conversation went, or was even started. All he knew was that he and the rest of the poets were drunk out of their minds when Charlie came up with it.

The dead poets’ meetings have unofficially become a time for all of them to get absolutely wasted in addition to throwing around the worst ideas to ever grace a human mind. Notable examples of such ideas ranged from reciting poetry backwards, to chicken fighting shirtless. The latter predictably didn’t go very well and ended with Knox having a bruised eye for a good 2 weeks.

These meetings were a time for Todd to destress, and he assumed the others kept it up so enthusiastically for the same reason. It was finals season and they were trying everything to keep themselves from losing their minds.

When Charlie came up with the idea to go to the joint prom with Henley Hall, every single poet, including Todd, apparently retracted their earlier sentiments of disgust with the idea under the influence of alcohol. Todd can vaguely remember his friends jeering about the women they would bag, but otherwise, the only recollection of anything to do with prom was his earlier relief that none of his friends wanted to go, meaning he didn’t have to. But now, Charlie was sitting in front of him at dinner with seven prom tickets in his hand, one with Todd’s name on it.

“I was completely drunk out of my mind. Are you kidding me?” Todd stared at Charlie straight faced. 

“You promised,” Charlie sing-songed and waved the tickets in Todd’s face. “Besides, don’t be a stick in the mud. Everyone else is going.”

“Yeah, reluctantly! You pestered them all enough.”

Charlie rolled his eyes, “Not how I remember it, but whatever. Don’t get all semantical on me. Just think of the women, Todd. The women!”

Todd did think about the women. The women were actually a major reason for why he didn’t want to go. They were frightening and laughed too much.

It wasn’t that Todd didn’t like women, it’s just that he never really got a chance to talk to women his own age. He supposed he would like them if got a chance, but he was usually too preoccupied with school, and now his poetry and his friends, to worry about anything like that.

He was usually reminded of the expectation of getting a girlfriend when a relative asked him if he had one, or a girl on his mind, and every possible question that had to do with his nonexistent love life. Todd would then awkwardly laugh and try to steer the conversation toward college or something. Adults seemed to care about those two things only and Todd found that if he answered questions to one of them, they usually left him alone.

Overhearing their conversation, Knox chimed in. “Yeah, Todd. Come on! There’ll be gorgeous girls galore.”

“Oooo, alliteration! What a poet,” Charlie jeered. “Anyway, you’re going and that’s the end of that.”

“Charlie-” Todd started.

“Where are we going?” Neil interrupted, eavesdropping at the last minute.

Charlie smiled, “Neilly, tell Todd that he’s going to prom with the rest of us to find a girlfriend for his anxiety-ridden self.”

Bastard , Todd thought. Charlie knew damn well he wouldn’t say no to Neil. 

“Wait,” Neil just looked confused, “We’re going to prom?”

“You’re fucking shitting me,” Charlie groaned.

After Charlie and Knox successfully convinced everyone into agreeing to go to prom, a feat that took surprisingly much more blackmail than expected, they were given their respective tickets to hold on to.

And so Todd sat at his desk holding his ticket and thinking.

He knew he would have to call Jeff for help with the different details, such as what to wear, but he was completely dreading it.

Even though Todd and Jeff generally got along pretty well despite their parent’s consistent efforts to divide them and turn them against each other in terms of their affection, Todd still did not want to call his brother about stupid prom preparations. There was not a doubt in his mind that his brother would be helpful, but he also knew the questions he would get, especially about girls.

More and more, Todd was realizing that his whole issue with prom wasn’t the actual prom, it was with the women that would be there. Why, oh why, did they have to have a joint prom with Henley Hall. It would be much more fun to spend time with his friends instead of having to adhere to the expectation of talking with girls.

“Hey Todd,” Neil walked into their room. 

Todd turned around in his chair to greet him.

“What’s with you? You look a little paler than usual,” Neil asked.

Todd turned back in his chair so Neil couldn’t see his face as he miserably responded, “Prom stuff.”

“Bothering you that much, huh.”

“I don’t even know why. It’s not like it’s that big of a deal.” Todd did know why he was all bothered with it all. But he didn’t want to bother Neil with his needless complaining. Neil already checked in on him enough, and listened to him complaining plenty.

“Hey,” Neil stood up and walked over to Todd. He put his hand on Todd’s shoulder, almost too close to his neck, “If it’s any consolation, I’ll leave with you the second you want to.”

“You don’t have to do that, be real Neil.”

Neil smiled at the accidental rhyme, “I will happily do that. The prom is upwards of 5 hours. I’m going to be bored by hour 1.5.”

Todd was too aware of Neil’s hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to look at it.

Neil suddenly pulled away and cleared his throat, though it took nearly everything in Todd from reaching out and placing Neil’s hand back on his shoulder himself.

“Listen, I really do mean it. I won’t want to stay for the whole thing, unlike some of the other guys. And I don’t want you to be alone, or just have a shit time in general. Seriously, let me know when you get annoyed with it all and we’ll go, I don’t know, get some ice cream or something.”

Todd smiled and felt himself go slightly red. Maybe pink.

“Thanks Neil. I really do appreciate you.”

Neil shrugged and sat on his bed, “Don’t worry about it. Seriously. Nothing to thank me for.”

Todd hated when Neil acted so flippant about his kindness. Obviously he didn’t understand just how much his actions meant to Todd. Everything Neil did was out of the genuine kindness of his heart, that’s just who he was. But Todd had never had a friend that would go out their way to check up on him. Neil was the first, and his carefree attitude toward it made Todd so utterly confused on where they stood. He had to constantly remind himself that it’s just how Neil was, and that Todd really wasn’t one of his priorities.

“Still, thank you Neil. I’ll probably take you up on it.”

Neil smiled from his bed, “It’s why I offered.”

The prom was being hosted in Henley Hall’s gymnasium, as Welton didn’t have one. An oversight on the administration's part however, was that they did not offer transportation to the dance, instead expecting students from Welton to walk. 

Todd assumed that they would all be arriving together, but he learned the day before that it would not be the case. Neil had practice for the summer play being put on near the end of August (it was Twelfth Night and he’d gotten the role of Sebastian), Knox was obsessed with a new girl and decided that springing a last minute promposal on her would be a good idea (it definitely wasn’t). 

And from constantly listening to Knox’s waxing of poetry, Charlie decided that watching that specific disaster unfold in person was the best course of action, so he decided to tag along with Knox. For whatever reason, Cameron was pulled out of school a few days early, and was getting driven to prom by his uncle (their prom was on a Wednesday). 

Meeks and Pitts invited Todd to walk with them, but he declined. They were on the committee for whatever reason (Todd suspected an effort to look more “involved with their community” on college applications), and would have to arrive 2 hours earlier than the starting time of 7pm to ensure that the catering was in order, the decorations were nice, the music was rightly mixed, and other technical things Todd didn’t have the heart to sit through.

It was all fine though. The weather was warm, Todd felt nice in his suit, and he liked walking.

Henley Hall really wasn’t too far away anyway, maybe a 40 minute walk through town at most. It was closer to the middle of town than Welton was by a longshot, so Todd wasn’t worried about the commute in the slightest.

Todd hummed to himself, walking down the sidewalk. He wondered how the rest of the guys would look, what type of suits they had bought for themselves. Todd himself was wearing a white suit jacket with black pants, and a black bow tie. They were both his brother’s old ones, but they fit Todd perfectly, and he was really happy when Jeffrey had lent them to him. 

A few days after Todd received his ticket, he had actually worked up the courage to call Jeffrey and told him everything from the drunken plans to his own anxieties regarding prom. Jeff drove up to Welton the next weekend and took Todd out on a “guy’s day out” jokingly claiming that girls can’t have everything , a sentiment that Todd appreciated the effort of. At the end of it, Jeffrey had gifted Todd his suit jacket and bow tie saying that, Something told me mom and dad weren’t going to spend money on your prom, so I wanted to show you that someone at least cares. Congrats man.

There were so many things that could’ve been potential reasons for Todd to hate his brother. From his parents loving Jeff more and actively trying to sabotage their relationship, to the bonehead things that he was privy to occasionally saying, it seemed that the world had given Todd every opportunity to hate his brother. But Todd refused to. Jeff had always been Todd’s best friend, and he always would be.

Todd was snapped out of his musings when he heard his name being called.

“Mr. Anderson! Over here!”

The voice was coming from the open window of an inconspicuous black car. Mr. Keating was hanging out the driver’s window.

“Mr. Keating? What are you doing?” Todd jogged over to the car.

“I’m driving, what does it look like I’m doing?” Keating said, sitting back down in his seat. 

Hanging out of a window and screaming like a crazy person , Todd thought to himself, but decidedly didn’t answer the hypothetical question.

“Where are you headed?” Todd asked him instead.

“Your prom, obviously. Where else would I have to drive in this town? There’s absolutely nothing interesting for a good 25 miles.” Keating smiled. “Get in the car Anderson.”

“W-what?”

“Do you want to walk the remaining two miles to your dance in that nice, crisp suit of yours, or would you like a ride?”

“Er,” Todd said rather eloquently.

“Get in the car Todd.” Keating said, and Todd obeyed.

There was light music playing from the radio. Todd sat rigid in the passenger's seat.

“Uh, captain?” Todd asked. Keating hummed in acknowledgment. “Why are you coming to our prom?”

“That’s a rather boring question wouldn’t you say, Mr. Anderson? No matter. I volunteered to chaperone, both because I genuinely enjoy you group of boys, and because of my earlier comment of there being absolutely nothing to do in this town.”

“You’re chaperoning a bunch of annoying kids because you’re bored?”

“You sound like you personally don’t want to attend.”

“I don’t really.”

Keating paused in confusion, “So why are you coming?”

“Well, you know. My friends will be there, and I like them enough.” Todd decided that he didn’t want to spill his guts to his English teacher, as reassuring and insightful as Keating was.

Keating hummed again and drove them the rest of the way in silence.

Keating pulled into the designated chaperone parking and parked his car. Todd, tasting freedom, grabbed the door handle to leave the car, but Keating stopped him before he could.

“Todd, I want you to know that your friends care about you and your well being. And even though sometimes they might pressure you, they will always respect a definitive ‘no’. So keep your boundaries solid and don’t cave to Mr. Dalton’s passionate nonsense.” Keating’s mouth was quirked kindly, but his eyes held a hint of seriousness to them.

“Thank you Captain. I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” Todd smiled at his teacher.

“Always Mr. Anderson.” Keating got out of his car and waited for Todd to close his door before locking it, “Let’s see how well organized this dance is, shall we?”

Todd laughed and they made their way inside.

The decorations were surprisingly pretty nice, especially for a school gym. There were nice lights strung along the walls, and there were sparkling streamers hanging from the ceiling, reflecting the lights around the room and making everything look like a million different colors.

Todd and Keating had arrived 5 minutes after the starting time, and they were some of the first people to arrive. There were a few cliqués of kids standing around and chatting a little awkwardly with the music playing in the background, but there was nothing completely eye catching or jaw dropping about any of it really.

“Todd!” Meeks’ voice snapped him out of his musings, “Hey, Todd! Over here!”

Todd made his way over to his group of friends, at least so far. Cameron was there, which wasn’t a surprise. His family questionably valued punctuality over anything. And Meeks and Pitts were obviously in attendance.

“Hey guys,” Todd said.

“Hey Todd, not surprised you’re the first one here.” Meeks smiled at him, and ignored the indignant Hey! from Cameron.

“Any updates with the others?”

“Eh, Charlie said something or other about arriving later, hopefully with alcohol in tow. I wouldn’t mind some to save the evening. And I don’t really know anything about Neil. I was actually gonna ask you,” said Pitts.

“Oh, no he didn’t tell me anything. I don’t even know how he’ll change into his suit, assuming he’s going to be wearing one,” Todd said.

“You guys live together and you haven’t even seen his suit?” Meeks asked with genuine surprise, “Thinking about it now, the only people’s suits I haven’t seen before are yours and Neil’s. You look great by the way.”

Todd smiled, “Thanks. So do you guys.”

And they did! Meeks was wearing a rather garish blue patterned suit jacket that he surprisingly pulled off extremely well. He coiffed his hair up, and Todd assumed he was wearing contacts as his glasses were nowhere in sight.

Pitts and Cameron both had their flat-tops looking their best. Pitts was wearing a cummerbund and a black tailcoat. He looked a bit like a magician, but it suited him, with the cummerbund complimenting him in his height. Cameron was wearing a frilly white shirt with a plain black suit. He looked smart, though Todd felt a bit underwhelmed with the getup, especially with how much promotion Cameron put into how good it was going to look in the weeks leading up to everything. 

“Thanks man,” Pitts said.

“Oh! I love this song!” Meeks said, “I think we recommended they play it, didn’t we?” 

“Probably. We recommended a lot of stuff to play,” Pitts shrugged.

Meeks realized that he had lost Todd and Cameron at some point during this exchange and clarified, “You see, this girl Darla, she was in charge of getting all the records for the disc jockey to play and organize it and everything. She’s honestly so cool, she knows so much about music and music production and the technology used for it all and everything. But she was in charge of the music and Pitts and I recommended a bunch of stuff, and I think this song was one of them.”

Todd laughed, “Who knew you liked Elvis, Meeks.”

“Are you sure it’s for the music,” someone interrupted them, “Or is it for the way he swings his hips?”

Charlie was doing an absolutely horrendous impression of Elvis and his hip swinging as he approached the rest of the poets.

“Ew, Charlie don’t be gross,” Meeks replied.

“You were the one that brought it up!” Charlie said.

“Whatever. Pitts, wanna dance?”

“Sure!” Pitts looked slightly amused by everything happening.

Charlie watched them walk off and yelled, “It’s okay! We know you’re a girl at your core!”

“Hi Charlie,” Todd greeted him.

“And hello Todderson. And Cam-er-on. Hello Cam-er-on.” Charlie said, swinging his arms around both Todd’s and Cameron’s shoulders.

Cameron threw Charlie’s arm off his shoulders, “Get off Charles .”

“Aw come on man, why the sour attitude first thing?”

“Sorry. Sometimes just annoys me when you fuck up my name on purpose to be funny.”

“Sorry man,” Charlie responded. “I didn’t know you didn’t like that.”

“It’s fine.” Cameron said, “Speaking of fuck ups, what happened with him?” 

Cameron was pointing to Knox who was leaning against a wall across the way, looking depressively catatonic.

“Eh, he got rejected. Big surprise. But it wasn’t because she didn’t like him this time! She actually thought him rather charming and sweet apparently. I don’t know how much I trust that, but I was there when she said those words. But anyway, she already had a boyfriend so, yeah. That wasn’t going to happen.” 

“He’s looking nice?” Todd said.

“Are you asking or are you complimenting Todderson?” Charlie poked him.

“Oh shut up. He’s got his hair all slicked back, it looks nice!”

“Hey! So do I! Where’s my compliment!”

Todd rolled his eyes and first bumped his friend, “You know you look wonderful all the time. No need to compliment a diva.”

“You’re such a bitch sometimes, you know that?” Charlie laughed.

“I absolutely do.” Todd smiled at him.

They stood around for a second, taking in the growing number of people at the party. Todd was actually surprised with the amount of people that decided on coming, especially with both Welton and Henley Hall being such small schools. Groups of friends stood in small circles, and it was very much split by sex. Todd briefly thought that if the two sibling schools were going to have a joint prom, they should make an effort to integrate the two populations of students more so it wasn’t just getting thrown into a room with a bunch of strangers, especially when cooties was something everyone was collectively still afraid of.

Charlie broke the silence by grabbing Cameron by the shoulders and saying, “Come on man, we’ve gotta find you a girlfriend.”

“Hey! I’m perfectly fine the way I am!”

“Yeah, but imagine you, but with a girlfriend. Uh huh, now, just picture it. So like, we know you like women that are ‘good conversation’ or whatever, Knoxious get over here! , but have you thought about…”

Todd laughed but ultimately stopped listening as they walked away. He was left alone, watching Charlie and Cameron walk away and bicker. Those two argued as if it were a sport, and the rest of the poets watched it as prime time entertainment.

Todd was just about to make his way to get some of the punch he’d been eyeing for the past few minutes when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Knock knock.”

“You know,” Todd smiled and turned around, “If you tap me on the shoulder, you don’t have to say something to get my attention as well. You’ve already got it.”

“Well, yeah. I guess I just didn’t think it through that way.” Neil smiled at him.

“Also knock knock? That’s so silly of you.”

“I didn’t know what else to say!”

Todd smiled at him, “Hi Neil.”

“Hello Todd. You look…really nice.”

“Thank you! It’s mostly Jeff’s stuff he let me borrow. You look…really nice yourself.”

Neil was wearing a three piece suit. Todd really liked Neil in a three piece suit, he realized. Like he was sure that he’d like Neil dressed up in any way, but he definitely really liked Neil in a three piece suit.

“So,” Neil started, “What’s been happening?”

“Eh, nothing really. We’ve mostly just been talking. Meeks and Pitts are dancing, and Charlie, Cameron, and Knox are trying to find Cameron a girlfriend.”

“I would be surprised if anybody other than Charlie left this prom with someone on their arm.”

Todd laughed, “Charlie getting the women meant for Cameron wouldn’t be that unexpected.”

“Am I wrong? Look at him!” Neil pointed at Charlie, who had a small crowd of girls hanging onto his every word, while Cameron pouted next to him.

Todd turned back to Neil, “Anyway, how was practice?”

“Eh, nothing of note really happened. Same old. How about you? How was the walk over?”

“Keating actually gave me a ride. It was a bit awkward, but I’m glad he’s fine sitting in silence.”

“How’d that happen?” Neil’s eyebrows raised slightly.

“He yelled at me from his car window,” Todd deadpanned.

“No!”

“He was hanging out the side and waving his arms and everything.”

“Damn, next time I’m walking to prom with you.”

“Yeah. And you won’t be late if you do.”

“Oh, it’s prom. It’s whatever.”

“Neil!” A girl’s voice interrupted their conversation.

“Ginny!” Neil greeted the girl with a quick side hug. She was very pretty, and Todd liked her pink dress.

“Todd, Ginny, Ginny, Todd.” Neil introduced them. “We act together.”

“Hello,” Todd said. “We’ve met before.”

“We have,” Ginny confirmed. “You’re the genius poet best friend roommate whose brilliance is a gift from God.”

“Er,” said Todd.

“What she means,” the tips of Neil’s ears were pink, “is that you’re a wonderful wordsmith, and that your talent shouldn’t go unnoticed.”

Ginny stepped on Neil’s foot, and he let out an indignant Ow! What was that for!

The two of them bickered for a few minutes before Todd excused himself to get himself some of that punch. 

Todd really liked Neil, though sometimes he forgot just how universally loved Neil was. He recognized that he wasn’t the only person whose skin itched when they  weren’t able to sit or stand next to the boy. Other people felt that way about Neil too. Neil was smart, resourceful, and his opinion was highly regarded by everyone. Selfishly, Todd wished that his own opinion meant at least half to Neil as Neil’s meant to Todd.

The party generally wasn’t that bad actually. Todd did spend a good chunk of it on his own, but he did have fun dancing a little in the corner. Occasionally he would run into someone he knew and start up a conversation with them for a few minutes, before they had to excuse themselves and leave. Todd was thankful he didn’t have to strain his ears and raise his voice anymore when they did.

And like every single party he had ever attended,Todd eventually ended up in the bathroom. He had gone into the most inconspicuous stall,¹ and he had sat on the toilet sipping on his punch for a good 25 minutes.

It wasn’t that he was trying to be purposely antisocial. He just felt that everyone else had something better to do, and he didn’t really want to get lost in a crowd of jumping teenagers, so he just ended up leaving and going to the one place it wasn’t completely against the rules of convention to go.² 

And Todd was having a wonderful time thinking about the last summer trip he took with his whole family, when the door swung open.

“Todd?”

It was Neil. 

“Todd, I know you’re probably in here.”

Shit, this was embarrassing for him. Did he respond to Neil or not? Would it be rude to respond now because he didn’t the first time? Oh my god, why was Neil even looking for him. Last Todd saw him, he was sitting on Charlie’s shoulders and getting yelled at by the chaperones for dangerous horseplay. It was kinda funny to see that. But now apparently he was hunting for Todd in the toilets at prom. Goddamnit, was he really that predictable?

“Todd, come on. Just talk to me. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Todd responded. He totally nailed sounding normal.

“What are you doing in here?”

“Uh, I got lost.”

“Sure you did.”

Todd poured the rest of his punch into the toilet, flushed, and walked out the stall. Neil was leaning against the door with his arms crossed, looking mildly disappointed.

“Let me just wash my hands.”

“Oh come on Todd. Why’d you leave the party?”

“I guess I just wasn’t having that much fun.”

“Why not? I saw you. Why didn’t you try to come hang out with us?”

“I don’t know Neil. I just didn’t want to.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure I am. Why?”

“What do you mean why? Todd, you’re our friend. We care about you. And you’ve been hanging out with us more lately, so I’m just really worried with this sudden shift in attitude.”

Todd sighed, “I don’t know Neil. I knew I wasn’t going to have the best time tonight, and I think it was all kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy or whatever.”

“So you decided to hide in the bathroom,” Neil raised an eyebrow.

“Whatever.”

Neil laughed, “Todd, I just have the perfect thing to make this night not the worst of your life. Come on.”

With that, Neil grabbed Todd’s wrist and tugged him through the bathroom door. Now Todd had never seen the inside of Henley Hall. He always assumed it would be nice, not only because it was the most prestigious girl’s school in the country and Welton’s opposite, but because of the sheer grandness of the school. But the halls were completely unlike Welton. They were long, yes, but they featured color unlike the bare stone of Welton. There were photos of sports teams, academic clubs’ achievements, fliers for different school events, and other wall decorations hanging all over. Todd wanted to stop and read them all, if only because of how different it was from what he was used to.

“Okay, so Charlie told me he stashed some alcohol in one of these classrooms before he went down to the dance. Now it’s a matter of remembering the room number, and finding the classroom.” Neil continued to drag him around

“Oh?”

“Don’t ‘oh’ me Toddy. It’s room 217, make yourself useful and help a little.”

Todd lightly slapped his hand in retaliation, and Neil laughed again. Todd could write epics about just that sound.

“Found it!” Neil said. They had made their way onto the second floor, and found the classroom with a painted 217 above it’s door.

They stepped inside and immediately the connections between Henley Hall and Welton were drawn in Todd’s head. The classrooms were honest to god identical. 

Neil let go of Todd’s wrist, walked over to the last desk in the third row and lifted the lid. Todd’s pulse finally had the opportunity to calm down and catch its breath.

“Fuck yes.”

“You found it?”

In response, Neil lifted a backpack. The glass bottles and liquid sloshing was louder than sirens, and Todd realized that if they got caught, they were fucked.

“Are any of the others coming?”

“Eh,” said Neil, sitting on an empty desk and placing his feet on the chair, “probably eventually.”

Todd sat at the desk behind Neil, facing him. His feet dangled below him, and his heart nearly fell through them and onto the floor when Neil passed him the bottle he just took a swig from with such ease. 

The poets shared food and drink all the time, so Todd shouldn’t have been getting all twisted about this specifically. But the way Neil was looking at him in the dark, his face illuminated only by the street lamps outside, made nothing but Neil real.

“I know you’ve already answered this question like 5 times, but are you actually okay?”

“Yeah. I’m…” Todd paused for a second. He was perfectly content at this moment. While he was stressing out about nearly everything in his life, from looming senior year, to his relationship with his parents, to his social life, Todd felt happy. Truly happy. He was sitting with the person who meant more to him than anyone, and that person clearly cared for him. “I’m great.”

Neil cracked a smile, “I’m glad. I care about you, you know.”

“I think I do,” Todd said. “Know, I mean.”

“Oh?” Neil prompted.

“It’s nothing. It’s just…” Todd leaned forward, his hands gripping the side of the desk. “It’s just that you always tell me that you care about me, completely and explicitly. And I appreciate that, like, a lot. But sometimes I just…I don’t know, I think I’m not prone to believing you. That’s just who you are, you know? You’re wonderful, and caring, and it is in your nature to care for others before yourself. But then sometimes I get these little epiphanies. And I notice that you don’t just say things like that just for the formality, and that you actually mean it. Neil, you don’t know how that makes me burst with happiness.”

Neil leaned forward as well, and rested his arms on his thighs, “Of course I actually care about you. You’re…my best friend.”

Todd raised an eyebrow at this, “What about Charlie?”

“Ah, Charlie Shmarlie. He’s fine, I guess.” Neil must’ve taken in the face Todd gave him, as he quickly retracted that sentiment and said, “Charlie’s more my brother than my best friend. I’m happy to tell you Toddy, you’ve got that number one spot!”

Todd laughed and leaned back onto his hands. He looked out the window. A few stars littered the sky, and he watched them despite the difficulty to see them. 

“You know,” Neil started, “You always go on about all this stuff making me seem like your savior. I’m really the furthest thing from that. Todd, I don’t think you recognize your own brilliance. Hell, I don’t even think you give yourself enough credit for the small amounts of brilliance that you do see. You always attribute it to me, or Keating, or Charlie, or even Jeff sometimes, which is one that’s kind of surprising I won’t lie. Anyway, your mind is fucking gold. Not only are you a wordsmith, you’re so understanding of everyone and their situations. You look at me, and I feel like you can see every single negative thought I have. And then, not only do you see those thoughts, you take them from me, and you lay them to rest. God, I feel so much better about myself and my life, just to have you near me.”

Neil took another swig, got off his desk with a small thump, and walked over to Todd.

“Neil…”

“No, listen to me. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for what feels like years, so just listen,” Neil placed his hand on Todd’s cheek and Todd’s mouth clacked closed. “You know I’m not good with words, at least nowhere near your level of competency. But you just need to know that you’ve been making me happy to be alive for months, and you’ve been a reason for getting up everyday, especially when I can’t. Though I will admit that one time you and Charlie poured ice water on me at seven in the morning was not appreciated. But, you talk about not realizing that I like you? Only getting brief flashes of it? Christ, the one thing I can ask myself is how could I ever have made you feel so underappreciated? What have I been doing wrong? Todd, I sometimes feel that I think about nothing but you for weeks at a time, and it drives me absolutely up the wall sometimes. Like you have these little habits, and I can never stop myself from noticing them and fixating on them, like that one time you drew a smiley face on your left thumb and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for two and a half weeks. I don’t even know where I’m going with this but I hope-”

Todd was kissing Neil, and Neil was melting into him. His hands made their way to Todd’s hair, while Todd’s wrapped their way around Neil’s shoulders. He never thought he would ever feel the feeling of another man’s mouth on his own, and he would usually never do this without asking beforehand, but he just couldn’t hear the rest of that sentence.

But Neil was kissing back with more fervor than Todd ever kissed him with. Todd squeezed his eyes tighter, kissed back harder, and wished he would merge with Neil. Every part of him was burning, and he felt like he was being eaten or devoured, or something equally as animalistic. And they continued their push and pull for a solid minute, when the door to the classroom flew open and Charlie’s outside voice made Todd’s eardrums burst.

Neil didn’t even hesitate in stepping away from Todd. He grabbed a bottle and took a large swig from it. Todd wiped at his mouth.

“Hey! We’ve been looking everywhere for you guys!” Meeks said as the rest of the poets made their way into 217.

“Ah. See you and Todderson have been cracking into the alcohol, eh Neil?”

“You said we could! Plus we left you most of it.” Neil raised the bottle of vodka he was holding, “We’ve been passing this one back and forth.”

The rest of the poets rejoiced and chatted amongst themselves, while Todd made eye contact with Charlie. Charlie looked at him in the way he usually did: faintly amused. However, alongside that amusement, Charlie also had a hint of mischief in his expression, in the way his mouth was quirked. God, Todd hoped he didn’t look the mess he felt he was.

It was not mentioned for the rest of the week between Neil and himself.

The last two days of classes were torture, and sitting in tense silence with Neil was hell. And Todd now knew that he would happily take the hell of everything being buried, then it being dug up and left to rot.

And before he could even blink, it was the final day of school. They would be back in Welton’s halls in a couple months, but it still irked Todd that he and Neil were leaving their relationship at such a volatile position. Christ, they were going to be roommates next year. That was going to be something.

They were packing their belongings in silence. Todd had admittedly more books and trinkets than he did clothes, so most of his time “packing” really was just spent looking through his things that he had collected over the school year and finding a way to pack them into his suitcase.

“Hey, uh,” Neil broke their silence. “I think this is yours.”

It was Todd’s blue sweater that Neil was holding out to him. He remembered he had given it to Neil to keep warm one night, and he just never gave it back. Occasionally, he’d see Neil wearing his, though he’d never comment on it. He always looked especially cozy in the blue one, rather than his own green, though Todd did admit he was biased.

“Yeah, it is.” He took it back, and despite Todd’s effort, their fingers didn’t bump against each other.

Neil turned back to whatever he was doing. And Todd didn’t really know where it came from, but this silence from Neil was just killing him achingly.

“Neil?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we..okay?”

Neil’s shoulders tensed. “Sure we are. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“Oh, no reason. I’m glad we’re okay then.” Todd turned back to his own side of the room. Blinking back tears, he placed the sweater in his suitcase.

“I’m sorry.”

Todd stopped in his tracks, “What?”

“I’m sorry Todd. I'm sorry I fucked everything up.”

“Neil? Where is this coming from?” Todd turned to look at Neil, who was already facing Todd’s side of the room.

“I’m sorry for making everything bad between us. And I should’ve told you what’s going on, and I wish I had more time, and now I’m making myself seem stupid because I haven’t spoken to you directly for days, but it’s the last day of school and I don’t have any more time. God, the second your mouth met mine I didn’t realize how much I wanted it.”

“What?”

“I’m not a queer. Or at least I didn’t think I was until Wednesday.”

The word was out in the open. The word that his father enjoyed to throw around, encouraging Todd to join more sports like his brother. That word has been Todd’s shadow for most of his life.

“Well,” Todd said, “I’m glad to know that. Thank you for telling me.”

“That’s it?”

“What do you mean, That’s it? What else is there to say Neil? You haven’t spoken to me since sucking my face, and you break that silence to tell me you’re a queer? And you expect me to say something to that? What can I say to that?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t. I just want to let you know that what I said beforehand really is true. Like all the stuff I said in that classroom. It’s all true, and it probably will be for the rest of my life.”

Todd looked at Neil’s panicked expression, “Are you asking for my forgiveness? Because, if that’s all you want, you’ve had it from the second you wronged me.”

“Todd, I- I don’t know what to say. Yes, I want your forgiveness, but that’s not all I want.”

“Yeah? And what’s that? What could I possibly give you that you don’t already have?”

“You. I don’t have you and it pissed me off to no end. Don’t you understand I fucking, I see it now. I understand why you’re in my fucking mind day and night. I thought it was just some obsession, or I was sick, or something like that. Well, I am sick, but not in the way I thought. I want our relationship to continue in the way it is, but with more. I want to talk to you. I want to touch you. I want you in any way you will have me.”

“You’ve had me for months now, Neil. You just never asked.” Todd smiled at him.

Neil’s frustrated face broke out into a grin, “Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You’re a queer too?”

“Well, I guess I am. What a twist of fate?”

Neil chuckled. He took a step closer to Todd, and placed his hands on Todd’s, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” Todd smiled. He knew it was the second of many.