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When Tommy said Perfume was his song, he was serious. It was his song in every shape and form. He had suggested lyric changes, adjusted chords, brainstormed the strumming pattern… Hell, he was even at the studio when it was recorded.
Tommy adored Perfume and when Wilbur said they were scrapping it he did the most logical action to save the god tier song known as Perfume. Throw a temper tantrum.
“But Wil! It’s my favorite song.” Tommy whined.
“I don’t like it.” Wilbur said firmly, pushing his glasses back up his nose bridge.
“But I like it!” Tommy dramatically collapsed on the couch where Mark and Ash were sitting. His legs were draped over Mark’s while balanced precariously next to Ash. “Tell Wilbur he is being a bitch and a bad brother!”
The other Lovejoy members just chuckled. “You are patronizing me right now.” Tommy whines again and flips off Mark, Ash, and Joe.
“Tommy!” Wilbur scolded the blonde, “That’s rude!”
“We would not be having this problem if you didn’t scrap my song!” He protests, “My song Wilbur!”
“It’s not your song.” Wilbur grumbles and hits Tommy over the head.
“Oi! I am a minor! You can’t hit a minor!” Tommy scrambles up clambering over Mark’s legs. He lets out an indignant squawk. “And take it back! Perfume is my song!”
“Maybe we could reconsider it.” Joe suggests, “Revisit the parts that sound off and tweak it a bit.”
Tommy’s eyes lit up and he stood up straighter and looked at Wilbur with big, pleading eyes. “Please! Wilbur please?!”
Wilbur sighed, throwing Joe an annoyed side eye, “No promises Toms. But we could revisit it I suppose.”
The song did get released with the rest of the Pebblebrain album after a lot of nagging on Tommy’s part and compromising on the official band members’ parts. And Perfume became Tommy’s song. Wilbur even admitted it on stream.
Tommy took a deep breath as he called Wilbur. He had to eventually tell him. Wilbur was basically his older brother and he wouldn’t judge Tommy. He was always ready to say gay rights or trans rights on stream.
“So what’s up bud?” Wilbur’s voice came through Tommy’s headphones, warm and gentle. “Are you alright?”
“I have to uh tell you something but I don’t really know how to say it and you might judge me.” He blurts out. “Please don’t be mad.”
There’s a few moments of silence. “Tommy, unless you committed multiple murders I don’t think I could judge you.”
Tommy laughs at that, “How many is multiple?”
“Oh my god. Don’t Tommy.” He could practically see Wilbur deadpanning and rolling his eyes. “But seriously what’s going on? I’m here for you.”
“I think I’m gay?” Tommy says with uncertainty. “Like I don’t know. I just…”
Wilbur speaks up, “I don’t care if you’re gay or straight Tommy. You know that right?”
Tommy fell quiet. “So yeah- I guess I am gay?”
“That’s awesome Toms. I’m glad you trusted me enough to share this.” Wilbur says gently and his soft smile shines over the camera. Clearly he was surprised but supportive nonetheless. Tommy tries to smile in return. He really does.
He tells his parents too. His mum was one of the biggest LGBTQ supporters around. His parents are cool with it and tell him they’re proud of him.
“That’s amazing Thomas.” His mother hugs him. “We’re so proud of you.”
Tommy tells his close friends too. Ranboo and Tubbo. He tells Cricket Crew, mainly so they would cut it out with the token straight jokes. Everyone was proud of him of course but there was a bitter pill he couldn’t swallow.
After Tommy came out as gay he dated a boy from college. Or at least he tried to. The boy, his name was Chase, was kind and sweet. He was openly gay and was the vice president of the GSA at college. Chase had good grades and was involved with the community. Tommy’s parents adored their son’s boyfriend.
“You should really come to GSA sometime.” Chase leans against Tommy in the hallway, “None of them are gonna care about the streaming thing so don’t worry about it getting leaked or whatever.”
Tommy shakes his head, “I don’t know. I don’t think I’m really ready.”
“Dude they’ve been nagging me about finally bringing my boyfriend and if you’re really not up for it I get it but it’d be fun.” Chase raises his hands up, “I mean we play games and get free food. Really tasty food might I add. Plus you need more friends that you didn’t meet through your little streaming gig.”
Tommy took a few steps away sighing and taking in a deep breath. His “streaming gig”. Yeah. “Maybe one meeting. I don’t know.”
“I bet your friends would tell you the same thing.” Chase rolls his eyes, “Tommy if I’m pressuring you… You really don’t have to go. But I think it might help you a bit. I know how tough internalized homophobia gets sometimes.” Chase does truly look concerned and worried. He was like that. He always was.
“I can try one meeting.” Tommy gives in and Chase’s eyes light up.
“That’s awesome! Okay so tomorrow there’s one at 3:00! And we’re doing a board for a new sexuality every meeting and I think tomorrow’s is asexual. We can meet up before.” Chase rambled and he did sound truly excited about his boyfriend, ugh Tommy could never get over that word, finally coming to a meeting.
“It’ll be alright, okay?” Chase halts his excited rant and puts an arm around Tommy, “You’ll love it I promise.”
Tommy just stares at the ground slightly inching away from the gesture, “Sure.” He mumbles.
When tomorrow did come Tommy nervously waited in the hallway at college. He only vaguely knew where the room that GSA took place in. Somewhere in the visual arts hall but even if he did know the exact path he would never go without Chase.
He leaned against the wall awkwardly picking at the already torn skin under his nails. People walked by smiling and talking in big groups. They seemed perfectly content and happy in their lives. They didn’t worry about getting canceled on Twitter because they said the wrong thing or talked to fast or-
Tommy was jarred out his thoughts as he was tapped on the shoulder. He brushed his hands on his khaki shorts and glanced up quickly before seeing it was just Chase. Not some crazy stalker fan.
Chase was smiling and bobbing his head up and down. Presumably to some song which Tommy decided by the single earbud in his right ear and the left one dangling down.
“You ready? I swear you’re gonna have a great time.” Chase grins. “It’s gonna be awesome. Pizza and snacks and stuff. And coca cola of course. Your favorite.”
Tommy nods silently as he shoves his phone into his pocket before slipping behind the brown haired boy who eagerly grabbed his hand and dragged him through the halls. He followed him to the visual arts wing in the college. The walls were vibrant and filled with collages, watercolors, sketches, and whatnot. Eventually they come to the end of the hall where they enter the very last room on the left. The first notable thing about the room is the giant progress flag on the wall.
The second most notable thing was the thirty 17 to 19 year olds screaming and laughing. And the dead silence as Tommy and Chase entered the room.
Tommy wanted to sink into the floor and escape to Iceland and start a new life as a sheep herder. Thirty pairs of eyes were staring at him and he desperately dug his fingernails into his arms leaving red marks. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he was stuck to the ground unable to move.
“Hey guys! This is Tommy!” At one point Tommy’s hand is squeezed and he’s reminded he’s still clutching Chase’s hand.
“Cool. Welcome to the uh gayness.” Another kid shoots him a thumbs up as Chase pulls Tommy into the room.
He spends most of the meeting glued to his chair near the entrance of the room and he picks at his skin and nails while everyone else talks. Chase gets him a piece of pizza and a coke at one point but Tommy can’t stomach the pizza and just guzzles the coke instead.
There’s music ringing in his ears and he thinks they play a board game but it’s not clicking with him. Tommy just sips the coke which burns and fizzes in his throat. A harsh reminder that he’s here and it’s real. A reminder that this coke isn’t the one he drinks at one behind a computer.
Tommy doesn’t even realize the meeting is nearly over until Chase shakes his shoulder a bit, “You still with me Tom?”
“Hm? Yeah- yeah. Sorry.” Tommy looks up with a startled look in his eyes, “Just- overwhelmed I think.” He mumbles.
“That’s cool. I know this was a lot.” Chase shrugs, extending his hand to the blonde who just blinked it, “Oh come on. Take my hand. I’m tryna be a gentleman.”
Tommy shudders and mentally kicks himself. How could he be such an idiot? This meant so much to his- his boyfriend- partner, and he was just pouting about himself. Tommy carefully slips his fingers over Chase's hand allowing Chase to help him up.
Chase latches their hands together guiding Tommy through the now very empty room. Right before they leave his eyes land on the ‘identity board’. Also the board that they apparently put a new identity on every meeting. This meeting it had stickers all over it that were purple, black, gray, and white. Along with a title in big bold letters saying ‘Asexuality’. There was a drawing of an umbrella with a lot of labels underneath it like demisexual.
“Whoever put together this board was creative. I did the mlm one and man it was the most boring poster you’ve ever seen.” Chase chuckles, “In my defense 3 people worked on this board. More hands.”
Tommy fixated on the board where there was an ace flag and a description. “Asexual means you experience little to no sexual attraction.” Was the description.
“I’m definitely not asexual. If there’s something I’ve never been clueless about when it comes to my identity is that.” Chase comments, “I know you’re not super into labels or anything but like I know you’ve mentioned stuff like this before. How you just don’t really get it?”
Tommy shrugged and thought back on that. Yeah. He didn’t get it. He really didn’t understand why people felt so “aroused” by pictures of half, or fully, unclothed people. He couldn’t imagine just doing it for fun.
“Yeah. I guess so.” He says quietly, “Just doesn’t really make sense to me. I’d rather have a connection based on fun things I do with someone and like trust and it just seems like an obligation or requirement.”
“Maybe you’re asexual.” Chase hummed, “Nothing wrong with it. I bet I can get some memes from the gang and send them to you.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
Tommy tried so hard to get into the whole kissing thing. He tried to like it, he tried to act like he wasn’t indifferent to Chase being shirtless.
Eventually Chase pulls Tommy aside one day. With a grim look on his face he says, “Listen I think you’re cool but you’re not having a good time man.”
Tommy blinks his eyes in surprise, “Huh?”
“You’re not happy. And I’m not happy but I’m not gonna force you into something you don’t want.” Chase waves his arms, “You’re just not what I need and I’m not gonna cross your boundaries. I think it’d benefit both of us if we broke up.”
And break up they did. Secretly Tommy was relieved. It was like at weight being lifted off his chest. Even when he went home and told his parents who looked heartbroken he was okay with it. Tommy now had time to focus on streaming and his friends again.
Speaking of friends he immediately called Wilbur after telling his parents the news.
“So what about that Minecraft mod you were telling me about?” Tommy grinned. “I’m thinking we could do a video with you, me, Charlie and maybe Schlatt tomorrow.”
“Don’t you have plans with Chase?” Wilbur frowns.
“Oh we broke up.” Tommy shrugs nonchalantly.
“Wait what?” Wilbur says after a short pause. “Dude, are you okay?”
Tommy paused as his Minecraft game loaded, “What do you mean? It’s just a break up innit?”
There was another pause on the other end of his headphones. This one is not so short and instead awkwardly long until it’s finally broken up by a choppy laugh from Wilbur. “I guess so.”
And they never spoke of it again.
Tommy sat on Tubbo’s couch fiddling with his fingers after a long stream. He feared he had crossed a line with all the gay jokes. Chat didn’t know he was gay but what if he was making his friends uncomfortable?
“I’m sorry.” Tommy spoke up eventually as Tubbo finished uploading the vod to his channel.
“For what?” Tubbo asks, leaning back in his chair, “The stream went great!”
“For all the gay jokes. Didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable.” Tommy mumbles. Tubbo was just being nice about it. All of them were.
“I mean you’re gay Tommy. You can make gay jokes.” Aimsey adds, “It’d be kind of gatekeeping if we said you couldn’t just because you experience it differently.
“The jokes don’t make me uncomfortable. You’re fine.” Ranboo reassures him and Tommy bites his lip. They were all just lying.
“You like men right?” Tubbo spins around in his chair fidgeting with a bouncy ball and Tommy nods slowly, “I mean I think yeah. I don’t know. I don’t like girls so…”
Ranboo glances at him and if only Tommy could tell the emotions on the man’s face that were hidden by a mask and sunglasses. It was probably disgust. Tommy wasn’t sure if not knowing that was better or worse.
Freddie decides to tease him, “So you don’t really even like men!”
Tommy choked and bit down on his lip tasting a speck of blood. He couldn’t blame Freddie because he was partly right. He could never stomach the thought of kissing another guy since he and Chase broke up. He could hardly stand kissing Chase.
“Knock it off.” Ranboo gently hits Freddie over the head with a pillow. “He just needs to find the right person.”
“Yeah.” Tommy numbly agrees, “The right person.” And Tommy couldn’t be straight because he didn’t like women. If Tommy didn’t like women it meant he had to like men right?
“I don’t get all the fucking kissy and romantic shit.” Tommy adds as he and Wilbur have a conversation about relationships. “And then what you’ve got left is cuddling and like I guess dates. But couldn’t you just do that with friends?”
“You go on routine dates with your friends?” Wilbur raises an eyebrow as Tommy groans in frustration.
“You’re a prick, Wilbur.” He says, “No but like what we do you know? Cause you’re all sappy and old and coddle me.”
“You’re uninvited to the next Lovejoy practice.” Tommy immediately pouts and whines.
“You’re such a dick. But seriously Wil, what’s the point of a romantic relationship when I can just do all that with close friends?” Tommy takes a deep breath, “I dunno. Maybe I’m just messed up but I’d rather like have a life “partnership” with someone like you or Ranboo. And I don’t mean that in a weird way. Just like someone I already know I could trust.”
“Tommy…” Wilbur’s voice trails off deep and slow and in that moment Tommy knew he fucked up.
Wilbur was gonna think he was weird and broken! He was going to think Tommy was romantically attracted to him. Which he wasn’t. Tommy didn’t want a romantic relationship. He just wanted his closest friend, his brother, with him for life.
“Toms- Breathe with me. In for four. 1… 2… 3… 4…” Wilbur’s voice instructs as Tommy feels his eyes shut as his nails dig into his chair, probably leaving marks. “Hold for three. You’re okay.”
Wilbur hated him. His brother hated him. At one point Tommy felt hot tears streaming down his face. “‘M so sorry Wil.” He choked out in a strangled voice. “‘M sorry.”
“For what? Tommy, you have nothing to apologize for.” Wilbur’s voice comes over his headphones sounding concerned and strained, “I’m sorry for not understanding.”
“I’m the freak. I’m the one that always makes everything fucking awkward.” Tommy rambles, “All those jokes with Ranboo- I made him uncomfortable. And Tubbo and Freddie. I’m the one that always goes and fucking messes things up.”
“Tommy, I don’t hate you. I don’t think I could ever hate you bud.” Wilbur says softly, “God I’m upset with myself for not realizing sooner. For not… trying to support you more.”
“What do you mean?” He tries to wipe away the tears on his face and get rid of the puffy and red eyes.
“Well you’re aromantic aren’t you?”
Tommy freezes. Aromantic? Wasn’t that like the romantic version of asexual? Why would Wilbur think he’s aro?
“You know little or no romantic attraction. I just remember you mentioning you thought you were ace once and you know you loved Perfume a bunch.” Wilbur starts talking in the silence, “A lot of my songs are aromantic sort of. At least that’s what the fans and Joe have told me. So I thought Perfume being “your song” was sort of your way of coming out. You know?”
No. Tommy didn’t know. Being aromantic… Well it had crossed his mind but had never really been him right? He even had a boyfriend at one point. Oh.
“Chase sort of surprised me but I figured you were just figuring yourself out. But I’m sorry if I ever made you feel alone.” Wilbur continues, “Hey Toms? Can you look at me?” Wilbur’s voice is soft and gentle with a firm edge like coffee filled caramel.
“Yeah. Yeah.” He nods, wrapping his arms around his knees drawing them to his chest as he lifts his head to look at Wilbur in the Discord call.
“Tommy, I care about you. You’re my little brother, or sibling if that’s what you prefer,” Wilbur leans forward, “And I’m sorry I didn’t support you. And I can’t change that but I am here now to say your feelings aren’t wrong. They’re valid and I’m flattered you trust me enough to want to hang out with me for the rest of your life.” Wilbur chuckles a little at the end making a small smile peek out on Tommy’s face.
“I love you so much Toms.” Wilbur reassures him, “You’re my little brother- sibling?”
“One crisis at a time please Wilbur.” Tommy chokes out, “I appreciate the gesture but gender is fucking confusing man.”
The brown haired man laughs, “Of course Toms. One existential crisis at a time. That’s how we Crimeboys do it right?”
“Yeah. One dirty crime at a time.” Tommy smirks.
“But seriously Tommy, I love you a lot. And it’s okay to feel love in a way that isn’t romantic or sexual you know?” Wilbur returns to a more serious look, “I will always support and love you.”
“I love you too, Wilby.”