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Being in love with Sirius Black starts with meeting him on a train. It starts with a thirteen year old Remus Lupin struggling to carry his bags and a laughing boy with black hair down to his chin and pretty grey eyes helping him put it in a compartment. It starts with him introducing himself and asking Remus to sit with him.
Remus meets James Potter, Sirius’ best friend, and Regulus Black, Sirius’ quiet younger brother. He finds out he’s in the same grade as James and Sirius, and when a plump boy with blonde hair and a goofy smile swings open the door, Remus meets Peter Pettigrew, who is also in their grade.
He finds out that, despite being in different years, he’s dorm mates with Regulus - most likely because Remus’ mother had agreed to let him attend late in the summer and several strings had to be pulled to get him there. He finds out that everyone who is attending Gryffindor Boarding School is painfully wealthy and attended the same private primary school, sans him and a girl he meets named Lily Evans, whose second hand clothes are only noticeable to Remus. He’ll find out later that he and Lily are one of the few scholarship students, along with two students named Marlene Mckinnon and Severus Snape.
Being in love with Sirius Black starts as any story does – with a laugh, an introduction, and a promise of friendship. The story of Remus’ feelings progresses as the school years coast by. They begin in first year when they board the train to go home for winter holidays and Sirius holds Remus’ hand the entire ride (out of fear, Remus will come to learn. Fear of going home). His feelings double in second year when Sirius scores the winning goal during his first football game and they triple when Sirius ignores his cheering teammates to point at Remus in the stands. They continue growing just like that, in the little moments; in third year when Sirius falls asleep in the common room with his head on Remus’ shoulder, and in fourth year when Sirius tells James he doesn’t want to ask anyone to the winter dance because he’d rather hang out with Remus in the dorms.
Now, as Remus sits in the library on the third week of his fifth and final year at Gryffindor, it’s undeniable that he is hopelessly, embarrassingly, and disgustingly in love with Sirius Black. He’s known this since second year, really, but the emotions are hitting him tenfold tonight.
Because Sirius has a girlfriend now. A pretty, curly haired girl named Mary who Remus actually really likes. Well – he had liked her, at least, until she became nothing more than a Sirius stealer in Remus’ eyes.
Apparently, the two had hit it off on the last week of school last year and exchanged addresses and numbers. They spent the entire summer sending letters and making phone calls according to James, whose family had all but adopted Sirius last winter when his parents refused to allow him home for the holidays. This was particularly bad news for Remus, who had assumed Sirius had been too busy having fun with James to write to him over the summer. Sirius typically sent Remus no less than a letter a week, and although Remus could barely respond due to the watchful eye of Walburga Black, Sirius’ letters were always persistent.
He thumps his head against his open book as he thinks about this, eyes closed. It’s lunch, and his stomach is growling with a need to be fed, but he’d rather stay where he is. He’s been avoiding the great hall as much as possible, mainly living off granola bars and mini bags of crisps his mother sends at the beginning of each month. He’s glad September is around the corner because his stash is dwindling.
He closes his eyes, the cool pages of his physics textbook on his cheeks. He’s alarmingly close to dozing off when a hand smacks the back of his head.
“What the fuck?” he sits up, looking behind him and seeing nothing. When he turns back to his books, Regulus is sitting across from him.
“I figured you were here,” is all the younger Black says, handing Remus a sandwich that he must have snagged from the great hall.
“I have a lot of homework.” Remus opens the cellophane the sandwich is wrapped in and takes a bite, obnoxiously chewing. He hasn’t eaten anything besides dinner in a full week, and it’s nice to have something real. Even if it is just a sandwich.
“You know I don’t like being lied to,” Regulus responds, reaching over to close Remus’ book.
“I don’t lie,” Remus says with a mouthful of sandwich.
“Lily is taking physics this semester. She said your professor is lenient and avoids assigning homework.”
Remus glares, setting his sandwich down. “I still have to study. Physics is a difficult subject.”
“My brother is a difficult subject, it seems.”
Remus pushes the sandwich away from him. He’s suddenly not so hungry.
“What do you want me to say, Reg? That I’m avoiding the great hall because I don’t want to watch Sirius make out with Mary the entire time?”
Regulus snorts. “They don’t make out. I’ve only seen them kiss once, and I didn’t even see any tongue.”
“Whatever. They sit there holding hands and giggling and whispering in each other’s ears. That’s practically making out.”
This time, Regulus laughs. Remus remembers a time when Regulus would only glare at anyone who spoke to him. First year was filled with awkward silences and unamused expressions.
“You think hand holding is the equivalent of making out? That’s a bit pathetic.”
“Honest as always, Reg.”
Regulus’ laughter turns to a sigh, and Remus has spent enough time with him now to know there’s sympathy in his cold-looking eyes. Regulus found out about Remus’ feelings in third year, though Remus has a suspicion the annoyingly observant Black brother had probably known since first year.
“Remus, you can’t avoid him forever.”
Remus frowns. “Not forever. Just until the year is over.”
“James already told me that you’re all applying to the same universities. You think there won’t be more girlfriends there?”
Remus’ frown deepens. Since they had returned to school, James and Regulus had been hanging out fairly often. At first, Remus thought it was because Sirius was spending time with Mary and James was using Regulus as a replacement for him. Then, he suspected that James was trying to convince Regulus to escape from Walburga’s iron grip. He’s still fairly certain that is what James is doing, but Remus has also seen the way James treats Regulus. There’s something there that feels like real friendship, and something else that makes Remus question the way James’ face heats up when Regulus sits next to him.
“What do you want me to say?” Remus asks again.
Regulus stares at him for a long moment before he speaks. “I have a proposition.”
“What proposition?” Remus asks, eyes narrowed. Regulus has never approached him with an idea before, and if it’s anything like Sirius’ ideas, Remus knows to be wary.
“I think we should pretend to date.”
Remus coughs, loud enough to get a look from the librarian. “Do bad propositions run in the Black family?” he asks, hitting his own chest.
“Just think about it, Rem. Sirius totally likes you–”
“No, actually, he doesn’t,” Remus interrupts.
Regulus ignores him and continues, “Sirius has had eyes for you since the day you walked onto the train with a suitcase twice your size. I don’t know what’s up with this Mary thing, but he doesn’t like her. Not romantically, at least. If he saw you were unavailable, I feel like he’d realize how stupid he was for not cuffing you when he had the chance.”
“Cuffing me?” Remus asks. Sometimes, Regulus sounds just like his older brother. “You’re ridiculous. Sirius would be mad, and not because he wants to cuff me – because best friend’s younger brothers are off limits when it comes to dating.”
Remus isn’t sure if he imagines the flicker of disappointment in Regulus’ face. “You’re not his best friend, James is.”
Remus doesn’t respond, standing up and packing his books up. He swings his bag over his shoulder.
“You’re crazy. We’re not fake dating.”
“Just think about it, Rem.”
Remus leaves the library without another word.
* * *
It’s after dinner when Remus sees Sirius for the first time all day. They only have one class together – creative writing – and that’s only on Mondays and Wednesdays, so it’s easy to avoid him throughout the day. He had lucked out at dinner when Lily and Dorcas had stopped him and asked him to sit with them instead of his usual seat with Sirius, James, Peter, Regulus, and Marlene.
He walks down the hall to his dorm, pausing momentarily when he sees Sirius leaned against his own door (Remus used to think their dorms being across from each other was convenient; now he thinks it’s a curse). Mary is in front of him, and Remus averts his eyes as they exchange a small kiss. When they pull away, Mary whispers something that Remus assumes is a goodbye and walks away, sending a polite wave to Remus as she passes him. He gives her an equally polite nod.
Sirius' eyes catch him and they light up in a way that makes Remus’ stomach twist.
Mary might get to kiss him and whisper things in his ear, Remus thinks, but his eyes don’t do that when she walks into a room. That’s just for me. That’s mine.
“Moony!” Sirius cheers, crossing the way to wrap Remus in a hug. That’s another thing Sirius always does when he sees him – hugs him like it’s been ages since they last met. “Where were you at dinner? I don’t see you at breakfast or lunch anymore, and now you’re skipping dinner?” he asks, stepping back, his hands still on Remus’ shoulders. Another habit Sirius has always had around Remus – he was always touching him. Usually in inconspicuous ways, but there was always a hand brushing Remus’, a knee pressed against his leg, a head on his shoulder.
“I wasn’t skipping. Lily and Dorcas had a question about Composition, so I sat with them.”
Sirius nods. “You should’ve been there today, though! Peter laughed so hard he shot milk through his nose. It was just like first year! Do you remember that? When James made that joke about–”
“I remember.”
Sirius' eyes flicker with something Remus thinks might be hurt. Remus hardly interrupts him, usually content listening to him tell the same stories over and over, but tonight he just wants to get into his dorm so he can lay in bed and replay the scene of Sirius kissing Mary in his head over and over.
“Right,” Sirius says. He drops his hands from Remus’ shoulders to his sides, and Remus misses the warmth. “Well, I was trying to find you earlier.”
Remus rolls his eyes. “I already told you, I’m not doing your creative writing assignment for you.”
Sirius waves a dismissive hand. “I wasn’t going to ask about that, I already finished it. I was trying to find you because Mary said her friend, Pandora, totally has the hots for you. Thinks you’re charming and smart, or whatever. I thought we could double date!” he sounds so excited as he suggests it, Remus can’t help the disgust that overcomes his face.
“Is that a no?” Sirius asks, and his bottom lip juts out in a way that makes Remus want to lean forward and kiss it. “Moony, we hardly see each other anymore. It would be fun! We could take them to a scary movie." He moves his eyebrows up and down as if Remus is supposed to know what a scary movie implies for a date.
“It’s a no,” Remus responds.
Sirius whines, like full on whines. “Give me one good reason why you won’t go. One good reason.”
Remus blinks, and before the words register in his head, they’re coming out of his mouth. “Because I’m seeing someone.”
Sirius’ wide eyed expression has to match his own, because he can’t believe he just said that.
“Who? You never mentioned having a crush on anyone,” Sirius questions, crossing his arms over his chest with an expression that says he thinks Remus is lying through his teeth.
Which I am, Remus thinks.
Once again, the words fall out of his mouth before he thinks about them. “Regulus. I’m dating Regulus.”
As if fate hates Remus, the younger Black brother comes walking down the hallway. His headphones are over his ears, but he pulls them down onto his neck as he comes to a stop in front of their doors. He looks between Sirius and Remus, seemingly uninterested in whatever conversation is going down.
“You’re dating Remus?” Sirius asks, confusion and what Remus thinks might be anger evident in his voice.
Regulus only falters for a millisecond, sending Remus a glance that says really? before he steps closer and rests a hand on Remus’ arm. The movement is so smooth and subtle that Remus wonders if suaveness is in the Blacks’ blood.
“Well – yeah.” is all Regulus says.
Sirius looks between them, confusion turning into something that looks more like hurt.
“How could you keep something like that from me?” Sirius asks. Remus thinks the question is directed at Regulus until he realizes Sirius is only looking at him.
“Because we knew that you would freak out. You’re crazy protective,” Regulus replies.
“I’m not protective over Remus!” Sirius snaps, defensively sticking his nose in the air.
Regulus smiles sweetly. “I meant over me.”
Sirius’ face flushes, and Remus watches as he turns and begins to unlock his door. “Whatever. I don’t care. I’m happy for the two of you, honestly. Sitting in silence together must be very romantic,” he says, sarcasm dripping in his voice as he swings open the door. James is sitting on his bed, and Remus can see how his expression turns from a smile to a frown at the sight of Sirius’ glare.
Before he realizes it, Remus finds himself rushing to defend his and Regulus’ fake relationship. “I like that he’s quiet. It’s nice being around someone who doesn’t have to talk all the time.”
He doesn’t notice how bad his words sound until Sirius turns to face him with hurt in his eyes. James’ mouth parts in surprise from his bed.
“Congratulations on your nice and quiet relationship then,” he says, shutting the door before Remus can apologize.
Remus is still staring at the closed door by the time Regulus unlocks theirs. He grabs Remus’ wrist and pulls him inside, shutting the door behind him and turning to look at Remus with pursed lips.
“What the hell was that? You said you didn’t want to fake a relationship.”
Remus frowns, tossing his book bag on the floor and sitting at the edge of his bed.
“Sirius was trying to get me to go on a double date with him and Mary. When I said no, he wanted to know why. I panicked.”
Regulus sighs and sits next to him. “The thing you said at the end was kind of harsh.”
Remus rubs his hands over his face. “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t – I love how much Sirius talks.”
“ Love, huh?”
Remus kicks Regulus’ knee.
“Shut up. What’s in this for you, by the way? Why are you doing this?”
Regulus shrugs. “Does it matter?”
Remus pauses. He supposes that it doesn’t matter. He supposes that whatever Regulus is getting out of this, it isn’t really his business. He supposes it has something to do with the way James Potter stood up like he had been struck by lightning when Sirius said the word relationship in reference to Remus and Regulus.
* * *
The next morning, Remus has just finished getting dressed and is fishing around in a large box of granola bars when Regulus steps out of the bathroom, school uniform wrinkle free and hair falling perfectly to the middle of his ears. Remus thinks the difference between them is comical, his own uniform wrinkled and fitting just a bit too loose. Remus had grown substantially in height throughout the years, but he never quite filled out the way he was supposed to. He was all gangly limbs and hair that never fell just right, and Regulus was small and looked like everything about him had been carved out particularly and carefully. Remus supposes this is just how it is for the Black family.
“Put that down. You’re eating breakfast today,” he says, looking in the full length mirror and adjusting the collar of his blazer.
Remus wrinkles his nose. “Why would I do that? I already told you, I don’t want to see Sirius and Mary–”
“ You’re the one who decided to tell Sirius that we’re dating. So now you have to act like my boyfriend. Boyfriends eat breakfast together. And lunch.”
Remus drops the granola bar box on the floor with a grunt. “Whatever.”
“Don’t sound so in love,” Regulus says with a smile, toeing his shoes on and grabbing his room key.
Remus follows suit, and soon they’re entering the great hall and gathering their plates and food. Regulus makes a point of grabbing Remus’ hand, and Remus notes that it’s softer than Sirius’, whose hands are calloused from years of bad pranks and climbing things he shouldn’t have been climbing.
Remus doesn’t have to look to know where Regulus is leading them. They sit at the same table in the far corner every day, which they earned after a four month long flight in first year with Severus Snape and his annoying friends over whose table it was. As they get to the table, Remus avoids looking at Sirius, who has one elbow on the table as he leans into Mary. Remus wants to know what they’re giggling about, but he also doesn’t.
Before he can sit down, Regulus catches his shoulder. He leans forward, so close that Remus can smell his perfume (vanilla and roses. Sirius wears something that smells woodsy and like cinnamon). Remus swallows thickly, relief filling his body as Regulus reaches forward to adjust his tie, tightening it just enough. Remus’ face is burning now, and he can feel everyone’s eyes on them.
Regulus looks up and smiles in a way that could almost fool Remus into thinking he’s lovestruck. He smiles back shyly.
“Are you two quite finished?” he hears Sirius ask.
Remus looks over at him, and Regulus takes that as his cue to sit down. Remus takes the seat next to him.
“Leave them alone, Sirius. It’s so cute that they’re finally together,” Mary says, gently smacking Sirius’ arm.
“Finally?” Sirius and Remus ask simultaneously. Remus averts his eyes to the table, and Sirius looks at Mary as if she’s just said the most ridiculous thing in the world.
Mary laughs. “Yeah. Last year, I caught them cuddling in the common room. Regulus was passed out on his chest and Remus was reading. It was so romantic, I knew they were meant to be. How come we never do anything sweet like that, Sirius?”
Remus and Regulus’ eyebrows shoot up as they exchange a look. Remus is fairly certain he’s never cuddled with Regulus in his life. Regulus wasn’t an affectionate kind of person, and aside from the time he fell asleep in Remus’ bed while they were watching Shameless on his laptop, they’d never so much as laid down together. And even then, Remus had simply left the younger in his bed and slept in Regulus’.
Realization seems to dawn on Remus at the same time it does Sirius, because they make eye contact and then immediately look away. It hadn’t been Regulus who had fallen asleep on Remus, it was Sirius, who had been reading along with Remus until he passed out and Remus hadn’t the heart to move him.
Regulus seems to put the pieces together, but he seems unbothered, waving a dismissive hand. “Well – we’re just happy we don’t have to hide it anymore. It was super awkward keeping my distance,” he says, leaning into Remus’ shoulder.
Remus simply nods along and takes a bite of his eggs.
“When– uh, when did you guys start, uh, dating?” James asks. Remus had almost forgotten he was there with how quiet he was being.
“Since the first week of school,” Regulus responds, taking a sip of his juice.
James fidgets with his fork.
Sirius scoffs. “That’s not very long. How do you even know it’ll last?”
Once again, Remus feels the urge to defend his very fake relationship. “Because I’ve liked him since first year,” he says defiantly. “I’ve liked him the entire time. So I know the feelings are real.”
Sirius narrows his eyes. “Oh, really? Because last time I checked, Regulus didn’t even talk to you in first year. So what exactly did you like about him?”
Remus stares at him, defiantly crossing his arms over his chest. “I liked…” he trails off as Sirius meets his eyes.
“I liked his eyes. And his hair. And – I liked the way he looked at me like he’d known me all his life. And, you know, I liked that being around him felt like I was coming home for the first time.” He’s saying the words about Regulus, but he can’t quite pull his eyes away from Sirius.
Sirius blinks and the moment is lost. Remus watches as he stands up, wordlessly leaving. Mary is quick to stand up after him. “Don’t mind him, Remus. He woke up in a shit mood,” she says, following behind him with a sigh.
* * *
Sirius skips their creative writing class, and when Remus sees him at lunch, they don’t talk. Regulus puts on a show of giving Remus a bite of his dessert, and Sirius and Mary exchange their first tongue included kiss. The first one in public, at least. Remus feels nauseous by the end of it.
As if to make things worse, Sirius and Mary arrive twenty minutes late to dinner, Sirius’ hair tousled and the top button of his shirt undone. Remus considers leaving then and there, but instead rests his head on Regulus’ shoulder. He wonders if he imagines the fury that flashes in Sirius’ eyes. Sirius might have made out with Mary before dinner, but Remus thinks he’s the one who has inflicted the most damage. Anyone can make out. But there’s something intimate, something private about laying your head on someone’s shoulder. He knows this because Sirius only ever rested his head on Remus’. It always felt like exchanging a secret.
The days pass by in a blur like this. He wakes up. He holds Regulus’ hand. He watches Sirius kiss Mary more than he ever has in the past. He watches James go quiet. He’s glad Regulus, ever so stoic, is able to keep him grounded because he’s sure he would’ve called the entire thing off otherwise.
Friday evening is when everything seems to reach its boiling point. Friday nights are spent in the common room with whatever bottle of alcohol James and Sirius have acquired (a tradition that started two years ago when Sirius found out that if he flirts with the girl behind the counter she’ll give him almost anything he wants. This is also how Remus had tried his first cigarette).
Remus almost fakes being sick to get out of it, but a persistent Regulus refuses to let him.
“It’s awkward, Regulus. He’s not even jealous, he’s just mean. And he seems like he wants to jump Mary’s bones even more now. Your plan isn’t working,” Remus groans from his spot on his bed, school uniform still on sans his blazer.
Regulus, now dressed in a Gryffindor sweatshirt and a pair of shorts, picks up a pillow and swats Remus over the head with it.
“Why do you think he’s suddenly showing an interest in sucking Mary’s face off? Because he’s trying to make you jealous,” he says, hitting him with the pillow once more for good measure.
Remus holds up a hand to block any more pillows being aimed at his head. “Well, it’s working. I am jealous. And I feel even more miserable than I did before we started this whole thing.”
“ You started this whole thing,” Regulus corrects. He grabs Remus’ arm and pulls him up with an alarming amount of strength for someone who looks so frail.
“Whatever. Let’s just go,” Remus responds, starting for the door.
Regulus stops him, looking at him for a moment before reaching forward and unbuttoning the top of Remus’ shirt.
“What are you doing?” Remus asks. Regulus ignores him, setting to work on ruffling Remus’ shirt up. He puts his hands in Remus’ hair and messes it up even more than it already is. When he grabs Remus’ cheeks and starts pinching them, Remus swats his hands away.
“Stop that!”
“You need to look like you’ve been getting busy!” Regulus snaps. He turns towards their full length mirror and begins to ruffle his own clothes, shaking his usually perfect hair into a slightly less perfect mess and pinching his own cheeks. Then, he turns back to Remus with a determined glimmer in his eyes.
“We’re going to have to kiss.”
Remus startles. “You’ve never even given me a proper hug before.”
Regulus glares. “Look, I don’t want to kiss you either. But we’ve already committed to this thing, we might as well pull out all the stops. How did it feel when Sirius came in looking like him and Mary had spent twenty minutes in the janitor's closet?”
Remus purses his lips. “Fair point. But what about James? What has he done to deserve this? I feel bad for him, Reg. Sirius looks angry, but James just looks.. miserable.”
Regulus frowns, turning away from the mirror to look at Remus. “James kissed me last year. On the last day of school.”
Remus raises his eyebrows. He’s not at all shocked that James likes Regulus, but he is pretty shocked that James “Trips Over His Own Feet And Then Blames Whoever’s Next To Him” Potter had the confidence to make a move like that.
“Okay? That’s a good thing, right? So why are we doing this?”
“He won’t talk about it. He pretends it didn’t happen. When I tried asking him about it, he told me it was no big deal. That he just gets overly affectionate sometimes and he’s sorry.”
Remus sighs.
“You know James wouldn’t do anything to hurt you on purpose. He’s scared, Reg. You’re Sirius’ younger brother, and James isn’t even out yet.”
Regulus waves a hand. “It doesn’t matter. Are you going to kiss me or not?”
Remus learns, in this moment, that there’s something else that runs in the Black family’s blood: revenge. But he figures Regulus is right – it felt awful knowing what Sirius had done with Mary, and James had no right to go around kissing people and then telling them to forget about it. So he sucks in a breath and leans forward to kiss Regulus.
It’s not romantic. There are no sparks, no passion. It’s not bad like the time he kissed Dorcas in third year and they had both pulled away with a look that said let’s never do that again. It was strictly business, and Remus knows Regulus feels the same by the way he sets to work nipping at Remus’ lips. It’s a foreign feeling, and when they pull away with swollen lips and heavy breathing, Remus wrinkles his nose.
“Kissing is kind of weird.”
Regulus shrugs. “It’s nice when you actually like the person you’re kissing.”
“That’s fair.” Remus wonders what kind of kiss James and Regulus shared, whether it was brief or long, sweet or passionate.
Wordlessly, Regulus leads them to the common room, where the rest of their friends have already arrived and are sipping from plastic cups.
Marlene, who is sat on the floor with a giggling Lily and a shy looking Dorcas, whistles as she sees the two enter.
“You two look like you were having fun,” she says with a grin. Remus’ face flushes, but Regulus looks unbothered as ever. James looks like he might be sick from where he’s sitting with Sirius and Peter on the couch.
Remus shifts his gaze to the older Black boy, who is fidgeting with his fingers. He notices there’s no Mary to be found.
Sirius meets his eyes, and a flicker of something Remus can’t quite place flashes in his eyes. He looks away.
Regulus pours them both a cup and then leads them to the big chair in the corner of the room, where they sit, shoulders pressed together.
Remus leans over the arm of the chair to peer over at the girls, who are still sitting in a small circle on the floor. He glances at Sirius, who is engaged in a conversation with James and Peter.
“Where’s Mary at?” he whispers.
Marlene frowns. “Broke up with Sirius after dinner. Said she liked being his friend, but wasn’t so sure they were meant to be romantically.”
Remus mimics her frown. He looks back to Sirius, who’s standing up and saying something to James before disappearing out the door.
Remus turns to look at Regulus, who gives him a knowing look. “Go.”
Remus nods and stands up, following behind Sirius without another thought. He has to jog to catch up, grabbing his arm as they reach their dorms and pulling him to a stop.
Sirius turns around, sighing as he realizes who it is. “What do you want, Remus?” he asks.
Remus feels his stomach twist. Sirius has never looked at him with anything other than delight since the day they met.
“Are you okay?”
Sirius scoffs. “Yeah, I’m fine. Go enjoy the party. And your boyfriend. ”
“It’s hardly a party,” Remus murmurs. Sirius makes another baffled noise before turning back to his door and pushing his key in.
Remus grabs his arm and spins him around again.
“What is your problem? I’m trying to check on you.”
Sirius yanks his arm away, and Remus steps back at the movement. He’s never seen Sirius angry. Sad and frustrated, but never angry.
“I don’t need you to check on me, Remus. I’m fine. I want to go to bed and sleep off my shitty day without you shoving your new relationship in my face and then chasing me to my room like you care about me.” His voice is so cold that Remus has to fight the urge to cover his ears with his hands and refuse to listen.
Instead, he crosses his arms over his chest. “ I’m shoving my relationship in your face? Do tell, Sirius, how am I doing that?”
Sirius gestures at him weakly. “Look at you. You might as well have stood on top of the roof and screamed to the entire world that you’re shagging my brother. Which, by the way, is a violation of so many friendship codes.”
Remus narrows his eyes. “You’re ridiculous,” he says. Sirius glares.
“You’re the one dating my brother. Everyone knows you don’t go after your friend’s brother!”
Remus throws his hands in the air. “God, Sirius, can you stop pretending like the reason you’re bothered by this is because it’s your brother? I mean, come on, would you be okay with it if I were dating James? Or Lily?”
Sirius stays silent. Remus continues.
“Answer me, Sirius. Would you be okay with me dating someone else?”
“I’d be okay if you’d keep it to yourself.”
Remus fumes. “Did you keep your relationship to yourself? Or did you make all of us sit through your make out sessions at breakfast? And lunch, and dinner, and in the hallways.”
“Go away, Remus. Go get drunk and shag my brother and have a grand fucking time, ” Sirius says, malice dripping in his voice.
Remus clenches his jaw. “You know what, Sirius? I will. I will go shag your brother. At least he can be honest about his feelings. At least he isn’t afraid to be with me.”
He turns on his heel and stomps back to the common room without looking at Sirius again. He doesn’t want to see the hurt he knows in his eyes. He flinches when he hears the door slam.
* * *
Remus skips breakfast on Saturday morning, and Regulus doesn’t try to make him go. Instead, they lay on Remus’ bed together and eat granola bars (peanut butter flavored, because Remus always eats the chocolate ones first).
“Are you gonna talk about whatever happened with Sirius?” Regulus asks quietly.
“Are you going to admit that you want to fake a break up and go running into James’ arms?” Remus returns.
Regulus swats his arm.
“I’m serious, Reg. This has only made things worse. I miss Sirius, and I know you miss James.”
Regulus goes quiet. It’s a couple seconds before he finally responds, cracking a small smile. “You’re actually not Sirius. You’re Remus.”
Remus groans, shoving Regulus hard enough that the younger topples off the bed into a heap.
“You’re more annoying than your brother.”
Regulus peeks his head over the top of the bed.
“We’re breaking up, aren’t we?”
Remus nods. “It’s not me, it’s you.” He dodges the pillow Regulus throws at his head.
Regulus crawls back onto Remus’ bed, and they spend the rest of the day avoiding the dining hall and watching lethal amounts of Shameless on Regulus’ laptop.
* * *
On Sunday morning, Remus and Regulus walk to the great hall without holding hands. They get their plates, and sit without touching.
Marlene tilts her head to the side. Peter and James exchange a look. Sirius pretends to be uninterested.
“Just ask,” Regulus says, taking a large bite of a pancake.
“Are you guys still…?” James asks. Remus has to stop himself from laughing at the hopefulness in his voice.
“No. We broke up yesterday. No hard feelings, we’re still friends,” Regulus explains. He holds up a hand as James starts to speak. “And yes, I’m fine. We both are.” James closes his mouth.
Sirius’ expression is unreadable, and the group eats the remainder of their food in silence.
When Remus excuses himself first to go grab his books and head to the library, he’s stopped in the hallway by Sirius grabbing his arm.
“So messing with me wasn’t enough? You had to break my brother’s heart as well?” he asks. His hand is still on Remus’ arm, and part of him hopes he won’t pull it away.
“When was I messing with you? And Regulus is hardly heartbroken.”
Sirius shakes his head. “So everything you said was a lie then? About his eyes and how he felt like home or whatever?”
Remus stares at him blankly. “Everything I said was true. Just – not about him.”
Sirius opens his mouth to respond, but Remus interrupts by pulling his arm out of Sirius’ grasp. He already misses the touch.
“Regulus isn’t heartbroken. I assure you, he doesn’t care at all.”
He turns back around, walking to his dorm room and unlocking the door. He goes to close it behind him, furrowing his eyebrows when he doesn’t hear it slam shut. He turns to look, stepping back when he realizes Sirius has followed him inside. The other boy closes the door.
“I don’t know if you’ve lost your mind, but you’re in the wrong dorm.”
Sirius snorts. “What happened between you and Regulus? Why did you break up with him?”
Remus rolls his eyes, turning away and beginning to select the textbooks he needs for his study date with Lily. “Who said I broke up with him?”
“You must have broken up with him. No one would break up with you.” It sounds like a compliment, but Sirius says it more like an insult.
“It was mutual. We both knew it wasn’t working out. And I think he has feelings for someone else,” Remus replies, shoving books into his bag.
“Why would he date you if he had feelings for someone else? Who else would he have feelings for?”
Remus lets out an exasperated sigh and turns to face Sirius again with a look that says, you’re not this dumb.
“James,” Sirius says quietly.
Remus nods. “I think the feelings are mutual.”
Sirius looks at the ground. “It must hurt knowing the person you like wants to be with someone else.”
“I don’t like Regulus. You know I don’t.”
Sirius looks back up at Remus, chewing on his bottom lip in a way that makes Remus want to die.
“You dated him. You have to like him a little.”
“The same way you like Mary, right?”
Sirius looks away.
Remus crosses his arms over his chest. “Regulus and I had something to prove. That’s all our relationship was.”
“So, what? It was all fake? You pretended to date my brother to prove some point?”
“Yep,” Remus says, swinging his bag over his shoulder.
Sirius stares at him. “ Why, Remus? Why would you do that?”
Remus throws his arms in the air in exasperation. “God, Sirius, is it not obvious? I did it because I was tired of seeing you pretend like you wanted to be with Mary. I did it because, for once, I wanted you to realize that I could find someone else anytime I wanted to. I wanted you to look at me and understand that you were running out of time.”
“Running out of time for what?” Sirius asks incredulously.
“Running out of time to be with me!” Remus shouts. He drops his book bag on the floor and rubs his hands over his face. “I can’t wait for you forever, Sirius. I’ve waited years.”
“You can’t wait for me to do what? ”
Remus’ hands fall to his sides. He opens and closes his mouth, the words not coming out. He hesitates only one moment before he’s crossing the room and pulling Sirius into a kiss by his hair.
Sirius sinks into the kiss immediately, and yeah, Regulus was right. Kissing is nice when you actually like the person you’re kissing. This kiss isn’t for business. There’s no biting. When they pull apart, they don’t exchange a look that says let’s never do that again. Instead, Remus starts laughing, and Sirius follows.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius murmurs once their laughter dies down.
“I’m sorry, too,” Remus says with a frown.
“I should’ve never started dating Mary.”
“Yeah, that was stupid,” Remus agrees. He sits down on the edge of his bed. “You didn’t write to me all summer.”
Sirius sits next to him. He presses his knee into Remus’ thigh. “I did write you. I just didn’t send them.”
“But why, Sirius? I thought you were busy. And then James said you’d spent all summer writing to Mary.”
Sirius reaches to grab Remus’ hand. It’s a familiar feeling that he’s missed.
“I don’t know. I don’t know why I do the stupid things I do. I guess I was scared.” He avoids looking at Remus as he says this.
“Scared of what, Sirius?”
“I don’t know. They don’t exactly have a class on what to do when you’re in love with your best friend.”
Remus’ cheeks flush. “You’re in love with me?”
Sirius looks back at him, a grin overtaking his face, and Remus can already guess what’s coming. “I was actually talking about James.”
Remus pulls his hand away from Sirius’ and shoves his shoulder. “Get out.”
Sirius laughs, moving even closer and intertwining their hands again.
“Yeah, Moony, I’m in love with you. Have been since that first day on the train.”
“You were twelve. You didn’t even know what love was,” Remus replies with an eye roll. He sinks into Sirius’ touch, knocks their shoulders together and squeezes his hand.
“I knew when I saw you,” Sirius says with so much vitality that Remus believes him.
“Are you going to go off and get a new girlfriend after this?”
Sirius shakes his head. “Never again. I’m a committed man now.”
Remus raises his eyebrows. “What are you trying to say, Black?”
Sirius leans in to kiss the corner of Remus’ mouth. “I’m saying that I’m your boyfriend now. Even if you don’t want me to be.”
Remus’ mouth quirks up into a smile. “I do want you to be, actually.”
Sirius goes in for a kiss, but pauses. “You know, the whole school is going to think you’re a brother hopper.”
Remus narrows his eyes. “Goodbye, Sirius,” he says, standing up and retrieving his book bag again. He ignores Sirius’ whining as he leaves the room, and hides his grin when the other catches up to him and folds their hands together yet again.
He and Lily spend the entirety of their study date telling Sirius to stop talking or leave, but Remus can’t actually find it in himself to be bothered when Sirius’ ankles are interlocked with his underneath the table. And later, when they walk into Sirius’ dorm to find Regulus and James liplocked on James’ bed, Remus thinks that maybe the Blacks’ do have good ideas.. sometimes.