Chapter Text
0
It starts at Eret’s betrayal.
There’s a fleeting moment between when you die and when you know you’re going to die.
At first it’s denial. A feverous fight to cling onto life.
Then it’s the uncertainty. The thought that you aren’t strong enough and won’t get yourself out.
Then it’s the realization. The realization that this is really the end.
And then it’s the silent plead. Calling out to whatever deity will listen, praying that your faith is enough to anchor you to life.
You’re not ready. You don’t want to go.
And then there’s death. Not merciful. Not quick or painless. Just death.
1
Tommy shoots out of his bed with a gasp, the cold edge of the blade cutting into his skin still etched in his memory.
There’s something distant about it all. It hasn’t set in to be fully comprehended, just a far away concept that he has yet to fully, truly know.
He rises from the sweat soaked sheets and looks around the room that is achingly familiar.
For a moment, it’s just a normal morning.
He pulls himself to the basin attached to the wall and scrubs his teeth until his gums are raw and his wrist is sore as if destroying the plaque nestled inside the grooves of his molars will make him feel clean.
He finds the day to be eerily familiar and he becomes a puppet, regurgitating scripted words that he had once lived but can no longer live with the same authenticity.
Is this his personal Hell? Living the day he died like a sick loop for the rest of eternity?
It plays out the same despite the pleads that are stuck in the back of his throat and his desperate fight.
2
The denial hits him quick.
He’s like a madman, shouting deliriously about their oncoming death.
It’s no use.
They still die.
3
He fights harder. He knows they’re coming.
But they don’t.
They die.
4
It’s all the same.
5
Every change he makes is inconsequential.
6
It takes him only five loops to break.
In the back of his mind, he thinks that this is giving into the pleasure of whatever torturers watch him.
But he can’t stand to march his friends to death.
He tells him about Eret’s plan.
They don’t believe him.
They die.
7
He warns them differently. Tells them that the Control Room is a trap by Dream.
They think he’s paranoid.
They die.
8
He tries to convince Tubbo to stay back.
Tubbo does.
Tubbo lives.
The rest die.
9
Tommy tries to reason with Wilbur. Tries to appease the logistical general with facts.
Wilbur is proud of Tommy’s speculation but will not pass up Eret’s opportunity.
They die.
10
Tommy tries to word it differently. Maybe if he has bigger words, a steadier tone, Wilbur will believe him.
Wilbur doesn’t.
They die.
11
He tries again.
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And again.
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He tries to find the magic words.
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Words that will change Wilbur’s mind.
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But no words are ever right.
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And they all still die.
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Tommy goes to the Control before them all. He tries to disassemble it so there is no trap for them to be caught in.
He is found.
He is killed.
18
He breaks down in tears, hysterical and sobbing, an ugly kind of cry with snot running down his nose and hiccuping gasps.
Wilbur thinks he’s unwell. He makes him stay back.
They die. Tommy lives.
And Tommy realizes that he is the catalyst.
He dies so that they can live.
He knows the sacrifice is worth it if they all get to live.
19
He makes Tubbo stay with him and he spends the loop with the other boy wrapped up in his arms as he tries to convince himself that he’s alive.
They rest die.
Already, he is resigned to it. Resigned to his fate to die.
Tommy goes to confront Dream himself so that he could rid the cursed world of his selfish choice and so that they can live again.
20
Tommy takes a different route. He goes to Eret. He tries to understand their motives.
Eret doesn’t talk.
They die.
21
He interrogates and it almost gets Eret to talk.
But they still die.
22
Tommy isn’t accustomed to the feeling of being feared and he finds that he doesn’t like it.
But it gets Eret to talk.
So it has to be worth it.
23
There is a loop where he goes too far.
He kills himself before the loop can continue.
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Tommy tries to approach Eret with understanding rather than confrontation.
Eret considers his offer but their lips stay sealed.
Tommy thinks he’s getting somewhere.
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Kindness gets him somewhere.
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Hostility gets him nowhere.
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But.
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There’s something between the two.
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Negotiation.
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Tommy knows enough to get all the right responses out of Eret.
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And eventually.
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He finally understands why Eret has done what they’ve done.
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And he gets Eret to change their fates.
L’Manberg doesn’t fall for their trap and for the first time, they all live.
THE DUEL
Life goes on and Tommy feels like he’s floating through.
He’s like a ghost haunting his own body, unsure of how to be the person they know after everything he’s lived without them.
He knows that everyone has seen a change in him.
His eyes are dull. His smiles are weak. And Tommy is… tired.
He’s relieved. Beyond relieved.
But he’s just so tired.
The war persists and Tommy is a good soldier.
Wilbur worries in his silent way with lingered stares and the downward tilt of his lips.
Tubbo frets. He stays by Tommy’s side, shows he is there but doesn’t push.
Life goes on and Tommy has to move on.
So he does.
He shoves it down and tries to live in the moment instead of the past.
(The many pasts. The pasts remembered by him and him alone.)
There’s something about the useless omnipotence that was both a gift and curse that Tommy guiltily longs for.
It was torture. But it gave him purpose.
So he gives himself a new purpose.
He challenges Dream to a duel. He makes his move to end the war.
Ten paces.
One chance.
One shot.
And the taste of choking on his own blood as he feels the familiar embrace of death.
34
Tommy expects to wake up the day of his first death.
He starts to wrack his memory for everything he had said to replicate his success.
But instead, like the morning before, Tubbo busts into his room with a plate of honey toast and rambles about their plans for the day.
And it’s then that Tommy realizes that there is no fixed point.
Tommy’s death doesn’t take him back to when it started.
It takes him back to when it will start.
Tommy duels Dream again and isn’t fast enough.
He dies.
35
Anticipate the turn.
He dies.
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Turn faster.
He dies.
37
Turn to the left instead of the right.
He dies.
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Turn early.
He still dies.
39
He tries to sabotage Dream.
Dream kills him.
He should’ve seen that coming.
40
He spends the whole morning just practicing the turn and shoot. He does it until it’s ingrained into his memory. He does it until his body aches.
He’s glad to die to reset for the next loop.
41
Where does Dream stand? If Tommy plays his role exactly the same up to this point, where does Dream end up?
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If he just
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Gets the angle
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Just a little closer
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Just a little faster
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Just a little more precise
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It feels unreal when the arrow embeds into Dream’s shoulder. Dream’s arrow shoots straight to the ground as he cries out and his knees buckle.
It’s like a vacuum has been sucked out of the air. Complete and utter silence.
And then cheers.
The people of L’Manberg rush to Tommy with racous applause.
He did it.
He actually did it.
THE PRESIDENCY
Wilbur keeps telling Tommy he’s proud of him.
He shouldn’t.
If he knew how many times Tommy failed, he wouldn’t be proud.
But he is. He wants Tommy to be his vice president. He wants him to lead L’Manberg at his side.
Tommy doesn’t deserve it but he knows it’s the only way he can protect his country.
Wilbur announces his presidency and Quackity rises up against him.
It’s undemocratic! It’s unconstitutional! It’s unfair!
Quackity demands a fair election where he can run against Wilbur.
Tommy sneaks away and ends the loop with a smooth and efficient press of his blade.
48
Wilbur tells Tommy about his presidency.
Tommy echoes Quackity’s words from the last loop.
What about democracy? What about constitutional rights? What about fairness.
“It shows that you care,” Tommy says. “That you care about the people’s choice and that you trust that they will choose you.”
Wilbur agrees and is impressed by Tommy’s mature thinking.
Tommy isn’t used to a loop going so smoothly.
THE DEBATES
Campaigning is harder than it looks.
But it’ll all be worth it when they win.
Because that has to happen. Tommy knows Quackity doesn’t give a shit about L’Manberg, just about having power and getting back at Wilbur, but at least he’s not running on spite this time.
But damn is he a good campaigner.
He brings George on as his Vice which is statement enough considering George was on the other side of the war.
Quackity’s got a silver tongue, charming with his methodical and manipulating words.
Manipulate is a word that gets too misinterpreted. Because manipulation is just doing what you have to to get what you want. Sometimes that comes with propoganda, sometimes it comes with playing a role, and sometimes it’s tricking everyone else to do it for you.
And that’s what Quackity does. He plays the perfect role and the people just fall right into the palm of his hand.
Tommy doesn’t handle the debates well the first time. He gets too worked, too close to it. Where Quackity and Wilbur debate policies, Tommy takes the opportunity to roast George and his ties to their once enemies.
When Wilbur reprimands him after, Tommy knows he fucked up.
He restarts.
49
He goes in with a more level head. He follows Wilbur’s talking points.
But George digs under his skin. Hits everywhere where it hurts.
And so Tommy snaps. He says shit that he knows is stupid and he sees the look on Wilbur’s face to know that he can’t keep this loop.
50
There is no clear winner.
Wilbur storms out, accusing bias and slander.
Tommy tries again.
51
Tommy is better.
There is still no clear winner.
Tommy is assassinated by Dream.
He won’t make that mistake again.
52
Tommy plays around.
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He sees what makes George tick.
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Exhausts the different topics
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To know exactly what he’ll say
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And find the perfect response.
57
Tommy talks with Wilbur the morning before. He knows what the other parties are going to say. He can anticipate it even if he can’t tell Wilbur.
They write out, not a script, but talking points. A script would make Tommy stilted, but Tommy is known for being able to talk about what he’s passionate about.
He sticks to the talking points. Knows exactly how to counter the opponents.
He’s civil, he’s eloquent, and he even sounds intelligent. He catches George on every slip and weak point and counters it with all of his strengths.
When he walks out there with Wilbur, the man doesn’t look disappointed. Instead, he grins with a pride that Tommy wants to soak in forever.
It’s then that Tommy realizes how much power his loops can have. They don’t have to be reserved for disaster. They can be used for anything.
58
Tommy and Tubbo burn down Quackity’s unfinished mansion.
They get caught.
Tommy restarts.
59
Tommy tries to convince Sapnap to support POG instead of SWAG.
His only condition is that Tommy has to denounce Fundy.
He does.
Fundy looks at him with such betrayal that he’ll never forget it.
Coconut becomes official.
It’s not worth it.
Tommy restarts.
60
Tommy doesn’t go to Sapnap. Instead, he works on gaining the trust and favor of the L’Manbergians, including Fundy.
This gives Fundy the confidence to officially run.
Tommy almost restarts, but trusts Fundy and Niki more than he trusts Quackity and George, and if they win, they’ll protect their country.
61
There’s a rally.
Coconut announces their campaign and Tommy can see that Wilbur is disgruntled but mostly he watches Fundy with a newfound perspective of his son.
They don’t have any endorsements and Tommy sees their horror and panic.
Though he wants to win, he wants it to be fairly earned.
He restarts.
62
Tommy warns Fundy and Niki about getting an endorsement.
Coconut announces their campaign and has CaptainSparklez as their endorsement.
Tommy has no idea how they got him so last minute but somehow they did.
SWAG claims to have KSI as an endorsement but have no proof. Tommy smirks.
POG shows their endorsements from Vikkstar and Schlatt is unbanned to speak as their second endorsement.
And then the unthinkable happens.
Schlatt announces his campaign.
Tommy knows he needs to restart.
But his body gives out, overused and exhausted, and he falls unconscious.
62.
When Tommy wakes, he knows that he hasn’t restarted.
Wilbur is sitting at his bedside, pressing a damp cloth to his forehead, brows furrowed with concern.
“Wil?” Tommy slurs.
“Tommy!” Wilbur says.
Tommy goes to sit up but Wilbur pushes him down.
“Don’t try to get up. Just rest.” Wilbur gnaws at his lip restlessly. “Tommy. I think you’ve been working very hard for this election and you need a break.”
“No!”
“Tommy,” Wilbur says sternly. “You fainted and I… you’re exhausted. I don’t know how I haven’t seen it until now, but you’re… you need to rest, Tommy. The elections can wait.”
“But—”
“With Coconut and… and Schlatt being established, there needs to be time for the polls to be adjusted.”
Dread pools in Tommy’s gut. “How long have I been out?”
“Two nights have passed.”
Two nights. He’s too late. He can’t restart.
ELECTIONS
Wilbur tried to Quackity to combine their parties.
Quackity refused. Instead, he formed a coalition with Schlatt.
Tommy lets it play out naturally. No meddling. No changes.
He needs a baseline. A control group.
Coconut fails at voter fraud and their 9% is disqualified. POG loses with 45%. Schlatt-SWAG win just barely with a combined 46%.
Schlatt’s first act as president is to exile Wilbur and Tommy.
Tommy knows what he needs to do.
He needs to disqualify Coconut earlier so that POG can get those 9%.
He restarts.
63
Tommy starts with sabotage.
Exposing the voter fraud does get them disqualified earlier but it sways the voter’s perceptions of the POG party.
Quackity and Schlatt win.
He restarts.
64
Tommy sends an anonymous tip to Quackity knowing that he would use any excuse to bring down his competitors.
Fundy is devastated and even more so embarrassed.
But Quackity somehow spins it in his favor in a way Tommy didn’t.
Quackity and Schlatt still win.
He restarts.
65
Tommy goes to Fundy and tells him not to run. That he doesn’t have a chance and that the votes will never be in his favor and he should just drop out before he gets humiliated.
Fundy does and POG wins, but he still looks at Tommy with hurt and humiliation and Tommy knows that they can’t win this way.
66
He tries to stop Fundy again, tries to convince him to drop out without crushing his spirit, and to his surprise, Fundy bursts into tears.
“I know I’m not going to win!” Fundy shouts. “Do you think I don’t know that? I’m going up against my father, the beloved general of the War for Independence and the guy that got it for us! Of course I’m not going to win! But I just want my father to be proud of me for once in my life. I just want him to care about me but all he cares about is you. He tells you how proud he is of you constantly and he never, never, says that to me the way he does to you because I know I will never be enough for him.”
Tommy could never predict this.
But he knows for certain that he can’t take out Coconut to win.
Tommy restarts.
67
Tommy tries to step down from his role. To give it to Quackity so they can both get what they want.
But that’s not what Quackity wants. He would never be second to Wilbur Soot.
Quackity and Schlatt win and Quackity kills Wilbur himself.
Tommy restarts.
68
Tommy convinces Wilbur to create a coalition with Coconut.
They win, Wilbur and Fundy together at each other’s sides, Wilbur looking at Fundy with the pride he deserves.
But then the voter fraud is revealed and they’re both disqualified.
And Wilbur’s disappointment and shame is so overwhelming that Tommy ends it there.
69
Tommy tries to get Coconut to not commit voter fraud. That maybe it’ll somehow skew the statistics.
It doesn’t.
Schlatt and Quackity win.
Tommy restarts.
70
Tommy gets Fundy and Wilbur together to talk about their issues and Fundy withdraws from the race feeling content in his father’s love and pride.
POG wins.
And in a drunken rage, Schlatt beats Wilbur into a bloody pulp, going after Tommy next.
Tommy is almost relieved to be killed by another’s hands.
75
POG keeps losing.
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Quackity and Schlatt keep winning.
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And Tommy keeps dying.
90
There’s one timeline where they create a coalition with Schlatt.
It’s bad.
Tommy doesn’t let it last long.
100
Tommy assassinates Schlatt before he gets the chance to hurt anyone more.
He’s immediately taken out of the race and is killed by someone he doesn’t see.
At least it was a quick death.
?
Tommy’s body aches when he wakes. He knows his body can’t handle another loop.
He wonders if when he dies, it’ll finally stick. If it’ll finally be his last one. If he can finally stop.
There are no tears to shed anymore. Just bone deep exhaustion.
Wilbur comes in as eager and optimistic as always.
“Are you ready to be vice president, Tommy?”
And
Tommy
Breaks.
A scream rips through Tommy’s throat, his body curling in on itself as he heaves strangled cries. Choking sobs course through him, his entire being trembling as he gasps for air.
Wilbur is frozen as he stares at Tommy with shock.
It finally kicks in and he rushes to Tommy’s side, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight.
It’s only then that the tears finally fall.
He can’t remember the last time he’s felt touch this gentle. He’s been cradled as his life drains out of him, he’s been strangled and stabbed but held? He hasn’t been held in a long long time.
He wonders how old he is now. His body hasn’t aged but his mind has lived longer than he knows. He’s lived through countless days, all crammed inside his brain, scrambled together until he can’t discern the details.
“I can’t do it anymore, Wil. I can’t do it.”
Wilbur shushes him softly. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s okay. You’re alright.”
But he’s not. He knows he’s not. They’re just placating lies to make him feel better but he doesn’t think he could ever feel better.
“You don’t have to do it anymore, Toms. You’ve done enough. You can stop.”
But he can’t. Because he’s the only one who can stop it.
Tommy wipes away his tears and musters up the strength one last time.
Tommy goes out and gives a speech about independence and freedom and trusting the people you’re loyal to.
And then…
And then Coconut2020 wins.
They successfully committed voter fraud.
They didn’t put in an egregious amount of ballots. Just enough to beat out POG and SWAG-Schlatt.
Fundy is president, Wilbur is looking at him with pride, everyone is alive, and Tommy…
Tommy doesn’t know what changed.
POWER ABUSE
Schlatt sticks around because he’s been unbanned and, though he could be banned again, there really is no grounds for it, especially now that he is now a highly known political figure.
And sure, he isn’t beloved or revered. But it’s all about politics, isn’t it?
Tommy doesn’t leave bed for a while.
He doesn’t know how long. The days blend together between wake and unconsciousness.
Someone brings plates to his bedside. They’re often cold by the time he eats them but he doesn’t mind.
Sometimes he feels calloused fingers brushing through his curls or hears the high soft lilt of a familiar voice rambling on with words he can’t recognize.
In his moments of lucidity, he knows Wilbur is worried. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, but know there’s something wrong.
He asks Tommy one day.
“It was like this after the duel,” Wilbur says. “Are you… has this been going on since then?”
Tommy looks him in the eyes, older and dimmer than they should be. “It’s been going on much longer than that.”
Tommy thinks about how old he is now once more. Sure, his body never ages, but his mind lives the lost days over and over and over again.
Tubbo worries. He worries because he doesn’t know what’s wrong and because Tommy won’t tell him and it’s been months of this unrecognizable Tommy that seemed to just body snatch his best friend one day.
But he’s not malicious. Not plotting a demise.
He’s just… sadder. Quieter. Not as bright or loud or… or… or Tommy.
As always, life goes on, and Tommy has to go along with it.
Fundy has taken to running the country as birds take to breathing underwater.
Which is not well.
Wilbur has taken an advisory role. Well, it’s more involved than that. At this point, Fundy is more of a figurehead than a president, with Wilbur doing everything behind the scenes.
Tommy is promoted to general as Wilbur focuses his time on his executive actions and Tommy finds himself using his power to loop more.
It starts small.
First it’s because someone gets hurt under his watch.
So he restarts.
Then it’s because he goes too far and hurts one of his men.
Restart.
Gives an incorrect order and everything goes wrong.
Restart.
Says something wrong.
Restart.
Mentions something he doesn’t mean to to Tubbo.
Restart.
Trips as he’s walking in front of a crowd and gets embarrassed.
Restart.
Overcooks his steak.
Restart.
It’s started to catch onto his body now that they’ve been spread across days and he’s become weak and cadaverous.
STOP
Tommy goes to visit Fundy and Wilbur at the White House to give him a report on the troops.
It’s there that he overhears it.
“—was me that won the election, not you! Just because I can’t do everything myself doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get a say in anything?”
“You know that’s not what I’m trying to do.”
“Is it? Because I— I feel suffocated. It’s like I’m this puppet that you control. It’s like I can’t make my own decisions.”
“I never said you can’t make your own decisions.”
“No. But that’s what you do. You just make decisions for me because you don’t think I can make them for myself.”
“I just want what’s best for you.”
“What do you know about what’s best for me? To know that you’d have to actually know me. But you don’t. You don’t know a damn thing about me.”
Tommy pries himself away, a shaky hand covering his mouth.
He runs to his house, slamming the door behind him and leaning against it as his chest heaves sharp breaths.
He crosses the room and grabs his dagger, ready to plunge it into his throat, when the door slams open.
Tubbo enters, not even looking up as he carried bags of apples and rambling about how people at the market kept giving him apples. When his eyes finally meet Tommy’s, he drops the apples to the ground.
“Tommy,” Tubbo says, voice low and wavering. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing. I— nothing Tubbo. You don’t— it’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” Tubbo says. “Because it looks— it looks like you’re about to—”
“It’s nothing, Tubbo,” Tommy says. “No, you know what? It— you won’t remember this. I just need to restart.” Tommy holds out the dagger and goes to stab it through but Tubbo barrels into his side and wrestles the dagger out of his hand, throwing it across the room with a sharp clatter.
Tubbo stares at Tommy with wide, teary eyes. “Why would you— I— no, surely not, you—”
Tommy stares back. This has never happened. No one has ever seen him— no one has ever stopped him from—
Tubbo wraps his arms around Tommy and holds on tightly. He sobs into Tommy’s chest and clings harder.
Tommy is frozen. He doesn’t know what to do. Actually, he does. He’ll just restart. Erase this from Tubbo’s memory.
But Tubbo doesn’t let Tommy leave his side. Doesn’t let him away or get anything that can hurt him.
And for the first time, Tommy tells someone about the loops.
He tells him about his first death. And his next. And the big loops. And the small loops. And the one time loops.
He tells him about all the different ways he’s died. All the different ways everyone has died.
He tells him about how lonely it’s been. How crushing the responsibility is. How exhausting it truly is.
And Tubbo, he doesn’t call him a liar, doesn’t yell, doesn’t berate him for all the times he yelled.
He just holds him tighter, the tears flowing harder.
“I’m sorry,” Tubbo whispers into Tommy’s neck. “I’m sorry you’ve been alone. I’m sorry you thought this was the only way.”
“It is,” Tommy tries to convince him.
Tubbo pulls away and holds Tommy’s face in his hands. “You are not obligated to fix everything. Your life is not worth it.”
“But when it goes wrong—”
“You can’t kill yourself for every little thing that goes wrong!”
Tommy stops.
Because he… he hasn’t thought about it like that in a long time.
It’s not killing himself. It’s… it’s restarting. It’s bringing him back to the beginning of the loop.
Right?
“Tommy,” Tubbo wipes away the tears that Tommy hadn’t realize were falling down his cheeks. “Things are going to go wrong. But if you exhaust all the different ways they could’ve gone to the one with the outcome you think is the best, you may have stopped the conflict but you stopped the growth that comes from it. We learn from our mistakes, and you may learn all of ours, but we don’t. We never learn. Sometimes you need to mess up. It’s the only way you get better.”
Tubbo smiles tearily at Tommy. “You’ve messed up a lot, but you learned a lot. And you need to let us mess up too. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. Maybe we’ll even be better for it.” Tubbo shakes Tommy’s shoulders lightly. “And Tommy. You deserve to live.”
And for the first time in a long time, Tommy isn’t alone.
For the first time in a long time, Tommy isn’t going to go back.