Chapter Text
Van tells herself that the way Tai’s fingers linger against her own as she passes Van the joint doesn’t mean anything. That it’s perfectly normal for Tai to look at her like that when she finally pulls her hand away. Taissa is her best friend, surely, it’s just a look of platonic affection. That she’s only ever looked at Van with, never any of their other friends.
She tells herself it doesn’t really mean anything. Neither do the stolen kisses with her back pressed against her locker before and after practice or that away game last month or Jackie’s party two weeks ago or all the times they haven’t actually watched whatever movie Van brought to Tai’s house after her shift at the video store.
At least, it doesn’t mean anything to Tai.
Talking about it with Tai will only rush the inevitable and confirm everything Van doesn’t want to know, anyway.
Van is convenient, nothing more than that to her. She’s gay and they’re friends and they trust each other, that’s all this ever was meant to be. But god does she wish it was more on nights like tonight.
She’ll be forgotten aside from the occasional postcard the second Tai gets to college and has other prettier, smarter, more sophisticated options. Van can’t fault her for that, she would do the same, if someone prettier and smarter than Tai existed. Still, she should try to do the same when she gets to NYU. But, in reality, she’ll probably allow herself to wallow in the relationship that never was for a bit first… She’ll convince herself that maybe things could’ve been different if she had just said something… anything now… She can’t blame Tai, so why not blame herself….
They’ve been lying beside each other in a comfortable silence for awhile with the grass beneath them and the stars above them. The muffled bass wafts from the French doors that open onto Lottie’s pool area and mingles with the laughter of drunk teenagers to soundtrack their little oasis away from everyone and remind them of the party still raging on late into the night just inside.
They won’t go back inside tonight. They never do.
Every party seems to end with just Taissa and the stars and a joint split between them lately, and Van is content with that. She’d realize she’s more than content if she allowed herself to ever think back on these nights the next day.
It’s not that Van dislikes parties, she loves them. But it’s less about the party and more about who she has to be at the party.
It’s like there’s the Van everyone expects her to be inside Lottie’s house – funny and boisterous and happy but never too much. Then, there’s the Van she’s allowed to be out here behind Lottie’s pool house with only Tai beside her – still witty and outgoing but also soft and thoughtful in a way she can never allow herself to be in there.
Everyone’s assigned a role practically from birth in a town like Wiskayok. Van was able to replace her role of barely above trailer trash and deflect from being the obvious choice for the role of the school dyke as soon as she stepped into the halls of Wiskayok High by becoming the class clown.
The only catch is acting the part is compulsory, and some parts of Van don’t quite match the role. There’s a reason only Taissa, Lottie, Nat, and Ms. Moretti (her History teacher who let her know about the scholarship) know about the acceptance letter to NYU that she’s kept in her bookbag for months with only weeks to go until graduation.
Van can’t really complain, acting the part beats the alternatives… But it’s also nice to just exist next to someone without any expectations sometimes. It’s nice to simply exist next to Tai...
She takes a hit from the joint between her fingers and allows herself to steal a glance at Tai beside her as she exhales. She’s not surprised to find Tai’s gaze already lingering on her somewhere between her lips, her freckles, and her hand holding the joint.
Van writes off Tai’s transfixed stare as a product of the weed and their intense game of beer pong against Shauna and Nat an hour prior. If she could only allow herself to believe she could mean something beyond a casual hookup to Tai, she would notice the mesmerized twinkle in Tai’s eyes and the way she let out a breath she’d been holding when Van met her eyes.
But Van can’t allow herself that realization, it would make everything entirely too complicated. Instead, she’ll do what she’s always done and deflect from her flaws with humor. Surely, feeling this way about someone she can never really have must be a flaw.
Van rolls onto her side to face Tai and smirks, “Enjoying the view, Turner?”
“In your dreams, Palmer,” Tai laughs it off, but Van doesn’t miss the way she blushes.
Van makes a show of pinching her own arm.
“What are you even –”
“That’s funny, I’m not dreaming, and yet someone –” Van pauses smiling pointedly at Tai, “was just checking me out.”
Tai scoffs but she can’t entirely hide her grin, “I was not ‘checking you out,’ Van.”
“Well, what were you just looking at then? Because it sure seemed like you were staring at my –”
“Shut up. You’re so vulgar sometimes,” Tai poorly pretends to be annoyed as she playfully covers Van’s mouth with her palm.
“Jesus Christ, Tai. I was going to say my lips. Someone’s mind is in the gutter,” Van wriggles her eyebrows.
“Well, it’s not exactly like it would’ve been out of character for you.”
“I would never,” Van clasps her hand over her heart in mock offense.
“You absolutely would,” Tai laughs.
“Only because you find it endearing,” Van grins over at her.
Tai knocks her elbow against Van’s, “Now who’s flirting?”
“Oh, so you admit you were checking me out earlier, then?”
Tai just rolls her eyes and sends Van that ‘I’m sure you’d like to know’ smile that always makes her heart beat a bit harder than it should around ‘just her best friend.’
A few moments go by with only her heartbeat and the muted sound from inside of a slightly out of tune electric guitar that lets her know it’s late enough that Nat finally succeeded in convincing Lottie to let her take over the music, just like she did every party.
Tai finally changes the subject, “You know it’s June…”
“Yup, and yesterday it was May… am I missing something?” Van laughs.
Wait… is she forgetting something? Tai’s birthday is in January, and Van would never forget that. Their first kiss was in March and it’s not like an ‘anniversary’ since they’re not together. I mean sure they did hang out on that day, but they hang out on a lot of days… They did go to the movies and get dinner together, but friends do that all the time. It’s not special just because they did exactly one year after their first kiss. Okay maybe it was a little bit special to her… and perhaps she still has her ticket stub for The Birdcage in a shoebox on top of her closet…
“Come on miss history nerd, you should know this one,” Tai nudges Van with her elbow.
“Can I at least get a hint?”
“Something happened this month that impacts us both.”
Van knits her brows together in concentration, “The Nineteenth Amendment was passed by congress?”
“It’s more specific to us than that…”
“Title IX was signed into law giving equal opportunities to play sports?”
“Van, what happened in June that’s relevant to us but doesn’t really impact most of our teammates?”
“That doesn’t impact most of our teammates…Oh, Stonewall happened, duh. Please don’t revoke my dyke card for taking forever to remember,” Van laughs.
“I could never revoke that, you’re way too good at –”
“Now who’s being vulgar?” Van cuts Tai off with a playful shove.
“I was going to say kissing girls. What did you think I was about to say?”
Actually, it’s girl – singular, Tai. It’s just you… Van wouldn’t admit that though…
“Nothing,” Van mumbles as she blushes.
“Anyway… there’s all these gay Pride events every year to commemorate it, but you obviously know that…”
I know, Tai. However, we’re in the middle of hell, more commonly known as suburban New Jersey, in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t exactly see a Pride parade going down Main Street anytime soon, or ever.
“Yeah, and Wiskayok is just so well known for its Pride celebration,” Van rolls her eyes, “I mean Bobby Farleigh even wished me a happy Pride earlier by screaming ‘dyke’ out his truck window when I was walking home from my shift.”
Tai turns onto her side and stares at Van with big, sad brown eyes. She looks at Van like she’s some poor lost kicked puppy who’s incapable of fending for herself. This look is one of the many reasons she never tells her when things like this happen.
“Van,” she speaks softly like she’s trying so hard to protect the parts of Van that she doesn’t have the heart to tell her are already broken, “why didn’t you say something earlier? We didn’t have to go to the party tonight. We could’ve just watched a movie or something instead.”
“Tai, seriously, I’m fine,” Van gives Tai the most convincing lopsided grin she can muster before reaching over and pressing the back of her hand against Tai’s forehead and pretending she’s checking for a fever.
“What are you doing?” Tai giggles.
“Yep, I’m afraid you caught it from me. You’re becoming a regular film nerd. First, it’s suggesting we skip a party to watch movies, next you’ll know directors’ entire filmographies by heart.”
Taissa lightly pushes Van’s shoulder back, “Or… I can leave being an absolute dork to you –”
“Hey!”
“You need someone to enlighten with all your useless movie knowledge… Besides, I would miss your lectures…”
Van leaves the long-term implications of Tai’s words untouched. She’ll allow her mind to retrace Tai’s words a million different ways later though, once she’s a safe distance away from Tai, and the opportunity to ask follow-up questions has long passed.
If she were a bit braver, she would ask how Tai knows she’ll always be around to give those lectures… If she allowed herself things like emotional vulnerability, she would tell Tai she doesn’t see a future where she isn’t beside her giving those lectures… But Van has never been brave, and she really doesn’t have the luxury of being vulnerable…
Van gives a little joking salute, “Always happy to put all my dorky knowledge to good use.”
She almost thinks she’s in the clear… That she managed to distract Tai from what she let slip earlier, until she watches Tai’s smile slowly fall. She clears her throat the same way she did before she convinced Van to submit her application to NYU a few months back.
Tai reaches over and tucks a loose strand of red hair behind Van’s ear.
“You know you can always talk to me, right?”
Van laughs off the weight of her words like she does most uncomfortable conversations.
“I talk to you every day.”
“Van…”
“Tai, I can’t just run to you every time someone says ignorant bullshit.”
She instantly regrets harshness of her words when she sees the hurt on Tai’s face.
Fuck. She didn’t mean to push her away. Tai just wants to be there for her, but she doesn’t know how to let her.
Van sighs, “I didn’t mean it like that… It’s just that guys like Bobby aren’t exactly the exception in this town…”
“Believe me, I’m aware.”
“I – I know you are… It’s just I don’t want you to have to deal with them… with that… on top of everything else… Not because of me at least.”
“Van, that’s my decision to make.”
“Tai, you’re my best friend, and I care about you so much more than I’ll ever tell you. I just want to, like, protect you, or whatever. But you’re right, it’s your decision.”
There’s a long pause and then Tai reaches out slightly and interlocks her left hand through Van’s right.
“We won’t always be in Wiskayok, you know…”
And you won’t always be next to me.
They lie beside each other with their fingers intertwined staring up at the stars for minutes that feel like hours. Eventually, Van’s mind begins wandering outside the confines of Wiskayok, NJ of it’s own accord.
What’s it like to live somewhere where there’s a Pride parade down Main Street? To live somewhere where she’s not so… noticeable. Or rather, somewhere where being noticed would mean being recognized rather than resented. She’ll find out soon enough.
Van finally breaks the silence between them.
“Do you think we’ll ever get to go?”
“What?” Tai asks softly as she glances over at Van.
“Do you think we’ll get to go to one of those,” Van gestures vaguely into the starry night with her free hand, “Pride events you mentioned earlier.”
Tai pauses a second too long, and the panic that always exists inside Van bubbles up.
“Not like together, obviously.”
They’ll both laugh about how badly Van misread Tai’s pause years later… If Van had allowed herself to see it, she would’ve noticed that there had been hope and an unspoken question just beneath the surface of Tai’s pause.
Tai drops Van’s hand and rolls on her side to face her.
“Van, next year you’ll be in New York, and I’ll be in DC, of course we’ll both go to Pride…”
The reminder that they’ll be living in separate cities shouldn’t hit Van like a punch in the gut. She shouldn’t feel this way about just the idea of being apart from her when they’re not even really together… but she does, she can’t help it.
“What do you think it’s like?”
“Well, I caught a glimpse of it a few years ago in New York.”
Van quickly turns to face Tai, “You got to go to Pride, and you never told me about it!”
“I didn’t actually go to Pride, and it never came up.”
“Still –”
“Do you want to hear about it, or would you rather complain that I didn’t tell you sooner?”
“Fine,” Van concedes.
“The summer before I moved to Wiskayok, I was on the train with my parents one weekend. We were going from the upper west side all the way to the Botanical Garden. As we got closer to Christopher Street Station, that’s where Stonewall is, people started getting on the train with signs and Pride flags and t-shirts with slogans on it,” Tai sounds increasingly wistful as she continues, “It was incredible, Van! There were so many people like us, more than I ever could’ve imagined seeing in one place.”
“Did your parents say anything?”
“Oh, you know how they are,” Tai laughs.
“They’re definitely enthusiastic allies…”
Van stops herself from adding, ‘and I think they’ve suspected we’re more than friends for a long time.’
“That’s putting it lightly. I got a lecture on the history of gay rights post-1969 for the rest of the train ride,” Tai sighs, “God, if they knew, I’d never hear the end of it. Every dinner party would become the look ‘how supportive we are of our lesbian daughter’ show.”
Van doesn’t have the heart to break the news that they most likely know because Tai isn’t exactly subtle.
“Hey, at least they’re supportive. I mean they’ll probably hang a Pride flag outside year-round, if they ever find out.”
“Oh god, don’t even suggest that.”
At least they’re supportive…
“I mean… would it really be that awful?”
Tai raises an eyebrow and sends her a look of ‘really Van?’
“Like, if things were different, if they were safer… Imagine being able to not have to hide it, like at all. I think I would leave a Pride flag up year-round.”
“Things aren’t different though.”
There’s a heaviness in both of their words, as if neither of them are actually thinking about a Pride flag at all as they say them.
“They could be someday though…”
“I really hope you’re right, Van.”
Van tries so hard to ignore the implications of the doubt in Tai’s voice. It’s almost worse to know that she may also want a future with her, but believe it’s not possible…
“Look how much things have changed already. Yeah, it’s still not exactly ideal, but it’s already a lot better than it was thirty years ago. At this rate, we’ll probably even have a lesbian president in our lifetime.”
“And who exactly would it be?”
Van smirks, “I mean you do plan on going to law school.”
“Well, I hope the American people are ready for a butch First Lady, then,” Tai mumbles under her breath.
Does Tai mean her? Has she thought about this? She would want Van there…
“What?”
“Nothing… What do you think your first Pride will be like?”
Well, I hope it’s with you…
“Well, I already have an idea for a t-shirt to make for my first Pride,” Van grins.
“What are the odds it has a pun on it?” Tai laughs.
Van holds her hand over her heart in mock offense.
“Tai, who do you think I am? Of course it has a pun on it.”
Tai rolls her eyes but can’t quite hide her affectionate smile.
“You and your puns. So what is it?”
“I’m so glad you asked. So, I’m going to get an extra Yellowjackets patch before graduation –”
“I’m guessing I probably don’t want to know how you’re going to get it, and that Nat is somehow going to be involved?”
“No comment,” Van smirks, “Anyway, I’m going to stencil “butch” on the t-shirt and below it I’ll have “les,” than the yellowjacket cut out from the patch, and “an.”
“Van?”
“Yeah.”
“You realize yellowjackets are a type of wasp, right?”
Van blushes, “Whatever, no one, like, actually knows the difference, anyway.”
“I know the difference.”
“Okay, but people who aren’t literally graduating valedictorian won’t know the difference.”
“You don’t have to bring that up in every conversation,” Tai sighs but it’s less exasperation and more endearment.
“Actually I do, lady. My best friend is so incredibly smart and worked so hard the entire time I’ve known her, and I’m so proud of her and she deserves to hear it every single day, even if she tells me to ‘shut up’ every time I tell her.”
Tai reaches over and tucks a strand of hair behind Van’s ear. She looks at her like she’s more than a best friend, and Van let’s herself believe she’s not imagining it for once.
Maybe Tai will finally tell her she’s not alone in the way she feels… More likely, this will just be yet another moment they never allow themselves to acknowledge the next morning.
“I’m lucky you’re my best friend. Like you’re so sweet and kind and funny. I just…” Tai hesitates, “wanted you to know that… I’m glad we’re friends.”
Friends. Of course, what else would Tai call them? Van was silly to ever think she would say anything else.
“I’m glad we’re friends, too, Tai. So… what do you think your first Pride will be like?”
“Well, there’s a Dyke March held in DC every year, so I definitely plan on going to that. I also want to try to volunteer during Pride. I’ve heard The Democratic Party sometimes has a booth.”
“Really, Tai? Isn’t it a little early to start networking?” Van laughs.
“It’s never too early. There’s someone who could probably persuade me to let loose a bit, though.”
“Oh?”
Van tries to ignore the way her heart skips a beat at the possibility that Tai means her. Who else could she mean? But she probably doesn’t mean it the way she hopes she does.
“She’s going to be in a different city, but the train ride isn’t that long…”
Tai wants me to spend Pride with her! Van would walk from New York to DC to spend Pride with her, if the train stopped running.
“I’m sure there’s no one she’d rather spend Pride with,” Van beams at Tai beside her.
“There’s no one I would, either…”
So what if they haven’t admitted they’re more than ‘just best friends’ to each other out loud, yet. This is something, and to Van, it’s everything. It’s a promise that they won’t forget each other, next year. That they’ll still mean more to each other than the occasional postcard.
There’s a comfortable silence that settles between as they both subconsciously move a bit closer to each other.
Van clears her throat and solemnly says, “You know, I feel like I’m failing at this whole Pride thing.”
“Van, it’s only the first day,” Tai misses the memo to play along.
It’s fine, it’s just a minor setback, nothing pushing Tai’s buttons on purpose can’t fix…
“Well, Tai, I’m glad you feel that way, since you’re failing worse than I am.”
Tai props herself up on one elbow and looks directly at Van. Her eyes narrow in annoyance in that adorable way that makes Van want to intentionally irritate her just to see it.
“Excuse you, I have never failed anything. I’m certainly not failing at ‘being gay’ or whatever the fuck you’re implying.”
Van props herself up mirroring Tai and smirks, “I don’t know, Tai… it sure seems to me like you’re not meeting the kissing girls requirement of lesbianism right now.”
Tai scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Yeah, because we definitely only ‘studied for the trig final’ on Thursday night.”
“Thursday was still May though…”
“Your point is…”
“May wasn’t Pride…”
A smirk plays on Tai’s lips, “You make an interesting point, Palmer… I guess I’ll have to go back inside and find Lottie or –”
“I’m also still failing right now, too, you know,” Van smirks.
Surely this will work.
“Well, maybe you should you do something about that, Palmer,” Tai nudges Van’s shoulder playfully.
“Now, wherever will I find another girl who likes to kiss girls out here in Stepford?”
“A film reference, really? You’re such a dork,” Tai’s eyes sparkle with affection.
“Well, I must be doing something right because the prettiest girl in school hangs out with me all the time.”
Van can see Tai blush in the moonlight.
“hmmm… wonder who that could be.”
“Oh, you know her. She’s really smart and kind and determined and –”
Tai finally cuts Van off with a kiss.