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Rain has to bite his tongue to keep from causing an even bigger scene. It’s already humiliating enough to trip and bust face in front of the entire faculty, but to trip, bust face, destroy the entire model he spent weeks building, and wreck his wrist in the process? He’ssimply done with existing.
Rain hisses out a sharp “fuck” as a fellow third year looks at his scuffed up hand, and looks down to take in the fragments of his model strewn about. A couple other students are kind enough to help pick up the stray trees and window frames, but they can’t salvage Rain’s hard work.
This was supposed to be the one time he finished a project early and not barely in time. He was looking forward to rolling into the holiday with all of his assignments completed so all he had to focus on was playing and sleeping.
That all has been fucked sideways.
“I’m sorry Rain,” the third year sighs, “You really need to go to the hospital - you need a doctor. I’m pretty sure your wrist is at least sprained, if not broken...”
“What?” Rain groans and tries to pull his hand back. The slight movement sends searing pain through his wrist and arm. “Shit!” Tears prick at his eyes, every bit of movement causing him misery.
The student, Jean, nods. “You’d need x-rays to tell you for sure, but I messed my wrist up when I was 13 years old. It looks pretty similar. You really should go to the hospital now before any more damage can be done.”
“More damage?” Rain panics and suddenly realizes he can barely move his hand and fingers. What is this going to mean? This is his dominant hand, how is he going to finish out the school year? He can’t move it – is it damaged forever? His nervous eyes dart down to his injured wrist, taking in the profound swelling. He only tripped down two steps, it can’t be that bad? Right?
Suddenly another student worms his way into the mix. Cautiously, he takes Rain’s right hand into his, apologizing at Rain’s hiss of pain, and wraps it in a simplified splint. “Don’t borrow misery,” he advises.” You first need to get to the hospital, so you know exactly what’s wrong. Do you have anyone who can take you, Nong?”
Rain looks up at the senior and momentarily holds his breath. “Wow, he’s handsome.” he thinks to himself, taking in the partial bun, long lashes, and small mole just to the left of his curved upper lip. It’s almost too hard to look away. Luckily, before he can further his humiliation, the sharp pain pulls him back to reality.
“Um,” he winces as the senior ties off the splint. Instantly the pain dials down with the stability. “I drive myself to school and my friend’s don’t have a license. Oh, but I can call my parents – I’m sure one of them can take me. Where’s my phone?” Rain thinks allowed, looking around for his phone. He’s sure it must have fallen too; hopefully it didn’t break too.
The mystery Phi hands over the iPhone – Rain sighs in relief that it’s not broken – and says, “I finished my classes for the day. Let me take you.”
Looking up from his phone, Rain shakes his head. “No, Phi, I don’t want to burden you. I can call my parents and –”
Not letting him finish his thought, the senior insists, “I’ll take you.”
Rain wants to argue no, but the look in the Phi’s eyes tells him it’s a battle he will not win. Biting his bottom lip for a moment, he concedes. “Okay.”
“Good boy,” the Phi hums. “Do you have anyone who can tell your teacher what happened?” He glances towards the fragmented project. “I assume you were going to present today.”
Rain nods. “Um, yeah, I was on my way to drop it at the professor’s office.” The weight of everything is slowly tumbling down and Rain feels his brain slowing down with it. It’s becoming harder to keep his thoughts straight and to make decisions, the pain consuming his entire being. “Uh, my friend, Sky, he can probably help.”
“From the student council?” he asks.
“Yeah, that’s him.”
The Phi nods his head and helps to gently pull Rain up. “N’Jean, can you go find Sky – he should be in the student council room now – and tell him what happened? Maybe the two of you can go together to talk to the professor and take the model with you.”
“Sure thing, P’Phayu. Thank you for helping and taking Rain.” The classmate then smiles comfortingly at the injured one. “You’re in good hands, Rain. Take it easy and do everything the doctors tell you.”
After thanking P’Jean and those who lingered behind, Rain and Phayu carefully make their way to Phayu’s car. Although Rain insists several times that he can carry his own belongings, the senior pays him no mind and brushes off all attempts.
Truthfully, while Rain hadn’t wanted to burden the student, Rain is relieved for the support. It’s taking a great deal of effort to not think about the pain.
On the car ride to the hospital, Rain calls his mama to explain what’s going on, putting his phone on speaker. Turns out it was a good thing Rain let Phayu take him; Rain had forgotten both of his parents had left that morning for a visit to his aunt’s in Phichit and wouldn’t be back for a week.
The call is brief, with the promise of Rain calling back as soon as the doctor exam is over and he knows more about his injury. His mama thanks Phayu for all of his help and promises to cook him a full meal when they get back. The invite seems to please Phayu as he excitedly accepts the offer.
Surprisingly, the wait at the hospital is next to none. Quickly Rain is checked in, has the makeshift splint removed, and his x-rays taken. He’s thankful for the gentle care and caution the hospital staff take as they position his wrist for the various images.
Now he and Phayu are simply hanging out waiting for the doctor to come do their own physical exam and review what the images came back with.
“Thank you again, Phi,” Rain says to fill the silence. The atmosphere doesn’t feel awkward in the slightest, but the anxiety of his wrist and feeling like a burden for the senior weighs heavily on Rain’s mind. “I’m so sorry to waste your time like this. You’re welcome to leave now. I can see the doctor on my own and take the bus back home.”
Phayu raises an eyebrow with a short and slow shake of his head. “Not going to happen. I told N’Jean and your mama I’d take care of you. Plus, I want to be here.”
That puzzles Rain. Why on earth would Phayu want to give up any part of his day for a junior he’s never met? Before he can voice this thought, however, a doctor pushes open the curtain to his bed and introduces herself as Dr. An.
She smiles warmly, and funnily enough, reminds Rain of his aunt in Phichit. The resemblance comforts him a bit as she examines his wrist, each of her touches lighter than a feather to cause as minimal pain as possible.
“So, Rain,” she begins, a sad smile taking over her face, “I’m sure it’s going to be no surprise to you, but you have fractured your wrist.”
Immediately Rain’s stomach drops, his throat locking up, and he can feel tears pricking at his eyes again. Dr. An is right, he isn’t surprised that it’s fractured, but a fragment of hope had lingered in his subconscious that it really was no more than a simple sprained wrist that would heal in no time.
“Don’t borrow misery,” Phayu gently reminds him, nodding his head towards the physician. Rain assumes Phayu is trying to reground him, and keep his focus on the doctor.
“It’s a clean fracture, which means as of right now you don’t need surgery.” Relief momentarily washes over Rain until the weight of the words hit in full force once again. “We’re going to put you in an immobilizing brace for now, but as soon as one is available, one of our orthopedists will do their own review of your x-rays and give you a proper cast.” Her kind eyes and sweet smile do little to pacify Rain’s emotions.
The next two hours blur together and Rain has absolutely no idea what all happens. The last he fully recalls is Dr. An telling him the shit news and putting his wrist in the immobilizer – the garment locking his wrist into position and preventing all movement. Now he sits in Phayu’s car once again with a magenta cast covering his arm
Slowly, fragments of the last few hours click into place and Rain remembers the cautionary – and terrifying – words from the orthopedist, Dr. Panya. “If you’re not careful, Nong, your wrist will not heal correctly. We’d be left with no choice but to go in, break it ourselves, and with surgery realign it as it should be.”
His stomach turns, making Rain force a few deep breaths in and out. Just the thought of the procedure makes him feel impossibly sick.
Then he realizes his breathing isn’t so slow and careful, his hands are anything but stationary –they’re actually rapidly shaking – and he can’t focus his eyes on anything. Realization dawns on Rain.
A panic attack. He is having a panic attack.
When he was younger, Rain dealt with these far more often than he cared to admit, many stemming from severe separation anxiety from his parents and his cruel imagination that created elaborate stories that fed into it. With support from a therapist, Rain had mostly outgrown his fears, but when the perfect storm brewed, he found himself lapsing back into that familiar terror.
Now as he is faced with the realization that he might need surgery, his imagination is taking control. Try as he might, Rain can’t shake the fear that something will go horribly wrong; he’ll have the surgery, but the damage will be done and nothing will be able to fix it, ruining his dreams of being an architect.
All the cruel jabs, nasty looks, and sardonic smiles from his extended family come to mind, one by one. This fall down the stairs will just prove them all right: Rain is a fuck up and really can’t accomplish anything. He can already hear his paternal aunt’s cruel words telling him to just quit school now and give up on doing anything with his life. He can already hear his uncle and cousin’s venomous laughs over the fact he fell only two steps, and that his own stupidity brought this on.
Before his thoughts can envelop him whole, Rain realizes his left hand is being held tightly and another hand is resting on his leg. A gentle voice is guiding him to breathe in slowly, to hold, slowly release, hold again, and so on.
As the anxiety slowly lessens its grip on Rain’s mind, he realizes it’s Phayu’s hold that is trying to ground him, and he is guiding Rain through Box Breathing. While the tingles of fear and the weight of panic continue to run through his chest, Rain does feel better already.
After a few more moments of guided breathing, Rain feels himself gain back control of his emotions. He gives a tired smile to Phayu and uses his immobilized hand to try to wipe away the tears. His nose crinkles at the feeling of the rough cast hitting his cheek.
“How are you feeling?” Phayu asks soothingly, wiping at the stray tears left behind. “Can I do anything else to help?”
Rain timmedly shakes his head. He can’t believe he just broke down like that in front of Phayu. Is anything able to go right today?
“I’m fine,” Rain finally replies. “I, um, I’m sorry about that, Phi. My thoughts got the better of me and I overreacted.” Much like when he was younger, Rain down plays his emotions to try not to stir up too much concern.
“No, no. You are not overreacting. You just went through a lot and sometimes these things kind of just hit belatedly.” Phayu’s words fill Rain with the validation he didn’t know he needed, but he feels endlessly grateful for.
In a meek voice, Rain says, “Thank you, Phi.” Taking in more deep breaths to keep soothing his anxiety.
Once Phayu feels Rain is ready to resume the trek home, he merges back onto the road, but doesn’t let go of Rain’s hand. The gesture keeps Rain grounded and he feels relieved.
Suddenly, without any prompting, Rain shares what happened in his head just then. “It’s the fear of surgery. It sounds so horribly scary and painful – I can’t believe they would have to break the bones all over again – and then I would have to recover from that, then start physical therapy. What if I really fucked it up and no surgery or therapy can fix it? What if I can’t hold a pencil again? If things are too damaged, I’m going to –”
“Rain,” Phayu urges, squeezing his hand. “Take a deep breath, please. It’s going to be okay. Don’t borrow misery.”
There’s that phrase again. What does it mean, Rain wonders. “You said that earlier too. What does that mean?”
The senior glances over his shoulder and flicks on his blinker so he can change lanes. “It’s something my grandpa would say. Basically, we don’t know what the future is going to hold, so don’t borrow misery you may not even need. Which, yeah, that’s easier said than done, but I try to remember it when I get worked up. Sometimes the worst case scenario happens, but most of the time it's nothing like we think it will be.”
Rain nods at the words. “I like that. I tend to overthink things and, well, you saw, trigger panic attacks.”
“Understandable. My brother and I both are like that. We’ve gotten better, but sometimes our brains are just mean.”
Giggling at the simplified explanation, Rain leans back into his seat. It feels so relieving to have someone who understands what he experiences. While Rain’s parents try to be supportive, they have never suffered from severe anxiety; their sympathy can only go so far.
The rest of the drive home is filled in comfortable silence, minus Phayu asking Rain where he wants dinner from. Once that's settled and picked up, they head towards Rain’s home.
As soon as they walk through the door, Phayu reminds Rain to call his parents to update them. Before he can forget again, Rain grabs his phone, placing it on speaker, and calls his mama.
It takes some light convincing, but with help from Phayu, he manages to keep his parents from returning home. This was a trip that had been planned for a month and Rain didn’t want to be the one to ruin it for his family. Thankfully, after Phayu chats with Rain’s mama for a bit, promising he’ll help his Nong and make sure he follows the doctors instructions, they concede not to rush home.
Shortly after they wrap up the call with Rain’s mama, Rain calls Sky.
To no surprise, his usually snarky friend sounds both relieved and annoyed – soon Rain is sitting through a lecture on how he needs to take better care of himself. While Sky’s words are sharp, Rain doesn’t hold back the smile that graces his lips. As tough and prickly as his friend likes to act, Rain knows the truth: he’s a massive softy, and this just proves it.
Before they wrap up the call, Sky informs Rain that the teacher said she wouldn’t give him full marks since she never got to see the actual, completed project, but from what she could see of the model, and Rain’s presentation materials, he did a good job. He would ultimately receive just enough points to get him a B on the assignment – really Rain would have taken a D so long as he didn’t get an F. The teacher also sent her warm wishes to Rain and wished him luck on his recovery.
Rain shares a smile of relief when he and Phayu lock eyes; Rain had been terrified he was going to have to start the project all over again. Maybe Phayu is onto something about the whole misery thing…
“Phi,” Rain says shyly as he walks the senior to the front gate. “Thank you for everything today. Between the trip to the hospital, my panic attack, and talking with mama and Sky, you were like my guardian angel.” His ears tint red at the cheesy metaphor.
Phayu laughs gently and ruffles Rain’s hair. “I promise you Sweet Boy, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I’m just glad I could be of support to you today.”
Nibbling on his lower lip, Rain nervously asks, “When we’re back from break, I know I have another blue print to draft. Would you, um, be up for helping me draw it out?” He knows its a big ask, something he normally would never request, but Rain can’t deny the desperate feeling to spend time with Phayu. “You can say no! I can ask Sky too.” he adds quickly.
"Well,” Phayu smiles, stepping closer to Rain, “good thing you have such a capable Phi to help you." Swiftly, he places a kiss on Rain's forehead. “Get inside and rest up. I’ll check on you tomorrow.”
Unable to speak, Rain nods his head.
Once Phayu turns away to get in his car, Rain smiles bashfully and touches where Phayu’s lips had been.
He shouldn’t borrow misery, but surely there is nothing wrong with borrowing some hope. Right? After all, can’t a boy hope for his crush to like him back?