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Despite how he tried to appear, Shu Itsuki was bad at many things. It frustrated him to no end.
One of those things was speaking. No matter how much he tried, his words and his tone never reflected his true thoughts. And what frustrated him even more was that both of his partners were amazing at it. They always seemed to know what to say to anyone, no matter the situation. Sometimes it was like they knew his emotions better than he did.
And it wasn’t like he wasn’t grateful for it. Narukami seemed to have a secret sixth sense that told her whenever he was upset or when Kagehira was struggling with something. She always knew when he needed space, and she was there immediately when he was ready to talk. Kagehira was similar. Although there was a time he couldn’t say a full sentence around Shu without stuttering, over time, he became more comfortable. By the time they started dating, Kagehira could always said the right thing when it counted, and he could sound confident saying it.
And Shu couldn’t. He knew he wasn’t dumb. In his head, Shu knew what he wanted to say, what he wanted to express. But his words were always harsh and his tone was always sharp. Sometimes it was better to not speak at all.
But occasionally, it helped. While Narukami was usually able to stand up for herself, Kagehira was basically allergic to saying no. Those were the brief times Shu was happy for his curt manner, because he had no qualms about asking for an order to be changed, or telling strangers that the group didn’t want any pictures taken. But the majority of the time, he cursed his inability to say what he actually felt.
But his partners were never frustrated with him. Shu knew they knew that he loved them, but he still wanted to say it. They said it so easily. Narukami would always smile and say I love you whenever she left his house, and Mika would smile and say I love ya’ too!
But Shu would only wave. Not for lack of trying. He would start to speak, but his throat would close up and his palms would sweat and he would only get the word “I” out of his mouth before giving up.
He often wondered why his partners still bothered with him. He knew they loved him too, and that his thoughts were unfair to Narukami and Kagehira. They weren’t like that. They weren’t like the people that forced him to close himself off from the world, to disappear completely. They didn’t expect perfection. Really, they didn’t expect anything.
And that was part of the problem. Shu had never been around people who wanted him for, well, him. Before them, people only approached him for personal gain, for favors or requests. The favors were never paid back, and he was dropped as easily as he was picked up. So this. It didn’t make sense.
He would lock himself in his room on a project, and they would welcome him back when he finished. If they were in public and it was too much, Narukami would find the nearest secluded space and the trio would move there until he calmed down. There was never a sigh, or any disappointment at all. He was weak, and they didn’t care.
Shu was also bad at feelings. For most of his life, he only felt resentment and fear. There was a period where he thought he was happy, but he realized later that it was sick, twisted "happiness" that came from ruining others. He wasn’t happy.
Now, he would feel emotions and have no words for them. It took him months to realize the feelings he felt towards Kagehira and Narukami were love. And it took even longer to convince himself to pursue them. He still didn't think he deserved them. He knew he didn't.
And he was worse at figuring out other people’s emotions. He didn’t have a sixth sense like Narukami. He had no idea when either of them were upset or frustrated. They didn’t show their anger like most people did. He knew they preferred to hide it until it glossed over, or overshadow it by other emotions to figure out later. But Kagehira could always read Narukami, and she could read him back. They knew each other perfectly, and it left Shu feeling terrible.
Of course, he was happy that his partners had each other. But he hated not realizing they were hurt by something until they had recovered. He appreciated that they would say when they were happy or excited so he wasn't left confused. But they would only say it for positive emotions, and he usually couldn’t tell when they were anything else.
But recently, Narukami was upset. Honestly, he didn't know why he thought that. She didn’t seem any different than usual. But something nagged at Shu’s mind and told him that something was wrong. And it was always when she was online. Shu didn’t ask, but he was able to figure out why soon enough.
He followed Knights on an account he made privately. Not even his partners knew he had it, and while he had originally made it because Saegusa Ibara had taken away his own for arguing with strangers online, he now used it to keep track of his girlfriend’s unit.
And recently, comments have been brutal. Nothing against Knights as a whole, and everyone loved their recent music. But Shu had found multiple comments saying something along the lines of I didn’t even realize Arashi Narukami was a girl and Narukami honestly looks more like a boy than a girl it's kinda weird.
Shu had almost gotten his account banned again with the choice words he had responded. He knew Narukami didn’t need anyone fighting for her, and that she was strong and independent, but Shu just couldn’t let idiots say things that could make her upset. They were also completely wrong.
Narukami was the most beautiful girl he had ever met. She was stunning, like a flawless art piece. But she wasn’t one, she was warm and soft and everything that made someone human.
And humans could get hurt.
Narukami was comfortable with herself, Shu knew that. But he also knew that she had days where she needed to be reminded she was beautiful. That had always been Kagehira’s job. Again, Shu couldn’t speak to save his life. But Kagehira hadn’t noticed her current state, and he didn’t want to make Narukami uncomfortable by telling him.
However, he wanted to do something.
But what?
That question plagued his mind for days. Knights was preparing for a live, so he didn't got the chance to see her after figuring out the problem. It worried him, not being able to check on her. No matter how strong she was, sometimes strangers could hurt you in places you didn’t know were vulnerable. He would know.
His answer came to him at midnight.
By now, Shu was comfortable with the way he presented. He was comfortable as a man, but he had times where he liked to present more feminine. While he knew that clothes didn’t gender a person, he always felt more comfortable presenting feminine when he wore a dress.
He also knew Narukami loved dresses. She had told him once that she wanted to wear them more, but shopping for them could make her upset. The models were always impossibly “feminine” in their body shape, and she couldn’t stop the insecurities that crawled in her gut. She didn’t mind shopping for makeup, and it helped that Kagehira would always go with her. But dresses were finicky, and she hated dressing rooms.
Shu couldn’t do a lot of things, but he was confident in his ability to sew.
Ignoring that it was midnight, he jumped from his bed and began to work. He didn’t have any prior arrangements the next day, and while he knew he would regret losing sleep, he needed to work. This was something he could do. It let him work in his own thoughts, and he had plenty of practice. It would be a little difficult without measurements, but Shu was confident he could figure it out.
He spent hours brainstorming. He knew she disliked tight clothing, and he wanted to make something long enough to (hopefully) diminish her insecurities about her height. He also wanted the colors to include white. He knew that while she said she was joking, she was a little disappointed not to be part of the Ring.A.Bell shuffle unit. She had done amazing in Getto Spectacle, but he still wanted the dress to include white to make up for it. She would have looked amazing in a wedding dress.
He eventually decided on a fade from dark blue to white, with golden designs circling the waist. The sleeves were long, but made of a soft sheer fabric that wouldn’t touch her arms, puffing slightly to pull back together at her wrists. The dress was long, and spread out from the waist to avoid being too form-fitting. The base of the dress was a white satin, with sheer navy blue fabric that faded into white again falling down from the middle. He wanted to add stars and constellations made of gold to the bodice, and decided to include a lace up back so the dress could be adjusted. It was going to be difficult, but he was sure she would look lovely in it (although he knew she would look lovely in anything).
Finally happy with the design, he began to work. He hadn’t even noticed the sun come up, and he cursed when light flooded the room. He wasn’t going to sleep at all, he supposed. Shu wasn’t tired, but he was worried his lack of sleep would affect his precision skills. Ignoring his doubts, he decided to continue. He was glad he didn’t have practice that day.
So he kept working. He had recently bought more fabric, which was nice, because he had more than he needed for the project. Although working with sheer fabric was risky (any mistakes would be clearly noticeable), the finished product was always beautiful. When he finished the bodice, he began drawing constellations on a sheet of shiny golden fabric. It was a scratchy fabric, to his frustration, but it wouldn’t be uncomfortable when she was wearing it. So, he cut the shapes and sewed them into the bodice, adding small gems wherever he deemed fit. Making the lace up back was somewhat frustrating, but he finished faster than he usually did.
The skirt was easier. Although the layers used a lot of fabric, he didn’t have to be as precise. He always dyed fabric himself, not trusting companies to produce exact colors he needed, and this time was no different. Making a fade was easier than he thought it would be, and he made sure the white was still clear despite the striking blue.
Hours later, Shu couldn’t feel his hands. He recognized the feeling, but refused to acknowledge it. When he got engrossed in a project, stopping in any means would result in him ignoring it for weeks, or abandoning it entirely. He didn’t often work until he couldn’t feel his fingers, but this was important. He didn’t want to stop.
When he finished, the moon was high in the sky, bathing the room in moonlight. It should have concerned him, but he didn’t care. He had finished.
The dress was beautiful, even by his own standards. Anything like it would usually take days to complete, but even with the speed at which he completed it, he was proud of the way it turned out. He was confident she would like it.
Stepping back, he felt a wave of nausea flood over him. He doubled over as his head throbbed. How long had he been working? He glanced at the clock, which read 1:23 . Had a day really gone by? He tried to remember if he had any plans, but if he did, he couldn’t think of them. When was the last time he slept? Shu did his best to keep a steady sleep schedule, but he was pretty sure he had been awake for more than 30 hours. That wasn’t good. He felt another pain, and instinctively held his hands over his stomach. He hadn’t eaten either. His vision started to dim, and Shu tried to blink the spots out of his eyes. He would eat something, and then sleep.
So he tried to move. It didn't work. He felt a sharp panic when he couldn’t lift his hands, and his limbs felt like sludge. His head was heavy, and Shu was pretty sure the floor was closer than it had been before.
Sleep, then. He could eat in the morning. He just had to get to his bed. Willing his legs to move, he slowly shifted into a standing position. He was able to walk into his room from the room he had worked in, but he barely stepped into it before his legs buckled.
His hands finally worked, shielding his head as he slammed into the floor. He was sure he would have a bruise on his arm, but it was the least of his worries as the room spun. Eventually, he gave up, closing his eyes and falling into unconsciousness.
* * *
Shu Itsuki woke up to an odd feeling. He knew he was in his house, and that he had been alone when he fell asleep. But now, judging from the noises he could hear, he was decidedly not alone.
“Shu? Shu!”
He recognized the voice, and opened his eyes slowly. His partners were sitting next to him on the floor, and he remembered what had happened the night before all at once. He hadn’t fallen asleep, he had passed out.
“Naru, is he alright?” Kagehira was panicking, and Shu willed his voice to work.
“I am fine Kagehira. It is nothing to concern yourself over.”
He saw Arashi’s brows furrow, and she spoke quickly, “Nothing to concern ourselves over? You were on the floor Shu! You don’t pick up when we text you, and when we finally come to check on you we find you passed out in the doorway to your bedroom! I think we are plenty justified in being worried!”
Shu felt a prick of guilt. He hadn’t checked his phone all day, had he? Of course he had been so wrapped up in his work that he ignored them. God, he was a terrible partner. He didn’t deserve them. He had caused them to worry about him for no reason, and they found him in such an… unsightly state. Narukami rarely raised her voice, and Shu recognized the worried undertones in her speech. He had often sounded the same whenever Kagehira did something without thinking, but he never expected it to be used on him.
“I’m… sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you both.” Apologies still sounded foreign on his tongue, but he was working harder to take responsibility for his actions. And he really hadn't meant to worry them.
Narukami shook her head. “Let’s just move first, okay? You can’t be comfortable on the floor.”
He nodded, and tried to stand again. He moved his legs, but found that he couldn’t lift himself at all. After a particularly embarrassing display of physical weakness, he sighed and sank back to the floor. Maybe he would just stay there.
“Shu… It’s alright if not, but may I carry you? Just to the couch. I don’t want you to stay on the floor.” She looked at Shu, trying to gauge his reaction.
Shu didn’t like being touched. It was another thing he felt bad about. His partners were both affectionate people, and he felt a stab of guilt every time Narukami forgot and reached out for Shu’s hand, only to retract her own quickly when she remembered. They didn’t mind his usual aversion to contact, and at one point Narukami had explained to him that everyone showed their affection differently, and that it was okay if he showed it in a different way than they did. He appreciated her words, but he still felt like he had no reason to be the way he was.
For some reason, he agreed to her request. His clothes were long, and Narukami made sure she didn’t touch any of his bare skin. She lifted him gently, pulling him to her chest. He felt his face heat slightly at how easily he had been lifted, and how she was carrying him like he was a bride.
Kagehira followed them into the living room, and Narukami placed him onto the couch. He was given a paper bag, and he looked up at the others questioningly.
“Oh! We, uh, went an’ got food before we came here! We figured ya’ might be hungry, and that maybe we could eat together.” Kagehira smiled, sitting on the other end of the couch. Shu moved over enough that Narukami could sit between them, and he opened the bag.
Shu smiled softly as he pulled the croissants out of his bag. His favorite. He gave two to Narukami, who gave one to Kagehira, keeping the other for herself. Shu began to eat his, and it was gone in seconds. He usually didn’t eat quickly, but as soon as he smelled the pastry he realized just how hungry he was. He finished it, feeling better, but he was still grateful when Narukami motioned for him to take another.
“We got an extra, just in case.”
He nodded, grateful, and ate the other just as fast. The three sat in a slightly awkward silence before Narukami looked at Shu again.
“Shu, can you tell us what happened?”
“Nothing did, really. I just got focused on something, and I forgot to eat. I usually pass out rather suddenly after a while.”
“But… ya' haven’t been responding ta' me for two days, how long did ya' work?” Kagehira looked past Narukami to Shu, his eyes full of worry.
Had it really been that long? He had been focused, but two days was a long time. He couldn’t remember the time it had been when he had passed out, but if it was the afternoon now, he probably slept for a while.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t check my phone.”
Shu tried not to fidget with his hands. It was unbecoming of someone like him, but he wanted to do anything but look at his partners right then. He knew he had worried them, and he felt terrible about it. He was trying to make a dress for his girlfriend, not scare her by passing out on the floor.
Oh. The dress. The dress!
He jumped up, startling the other two on the couch, before rushing to his work room. He threw it open, and was relieved to see the dress exactly where he left it. His head spun from the sudden action, but it was just as beautiful as he remembered it. He usually felt pride for his works, but he was more proud than usual with how this one turned out. And Narukami was here, so he could give it to her. Forgetting the state he left the room in, he rushed back into the living room.
“I want to show you something. Follow me, please.” Why did he sound so formal? He was excited, he could sound like it a little. But they stood anyway, shooting each other slightly concerned looks, and followed Shu.
He stood outside the door and beckoned the others inside, feeling unusually jittery. Usually, he was fine showing anyone his works, but now he was… nervous? He hadn’t had a project that meant this much to him in a long time, as he had mainly been doing commissions for the last month, but this feeling was new. He didn’t even want to look at them while they saw it. What if Narukami hated it? What if she thought Shu was overstepping and being rude? This was a bad idea. This was a terrible idea.
Shame clouded his thoughts and he started to turn away from the door before he heard a voice.
“Shu… this is beautiful." Narukami's voice rang clearly in his head. "What’s it for?”
They hadn’t even noticed him panic, but when they finally turned and looked at him, Shu could breathe again. There were stars in their eyes, and Shu found that he was more proud of the expression they wore than any piece of clothing he had ever made.
“Oh, um.” Shu took a deep breath. He needed to explain himself. To actually speak what he meant to say for once. This was important.
“It’s for you, Narukami. I… I make Kagehira clothing occasionally, and I remembered that I haven’t made you anything yet. And… I feel particularly feminine in dresses, so I thought you might like it. It’s easier for me to adjust it so you can feel confident in it, much easier than if you were to go to a store or tailor, so I thought it might be a good idea.”
Silence.
Shu had definitely messed up.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep. I can throw it out, or reuse the fabric, or-”
“Shu.”
Her voice was soft, but stern. When he looked up, she was staring at him with tears in her eyes.
“Thank you.”
Oh.
Shu instinctively walked forward, moving to wipe the tears that were starting to fall down her cheeks. She smiled, and Shu was reminded instantly of how beautiful she was. He heard a sniffle, and turned to find Kagehira tearing up as well. Honestly, why were they crying?
He turned and wiped his boyfriend's tears next. He didn’t even register the motion as physical contact until he stepped back, satisfied that the two were no longer crying. But the touch was… nice? It wasn’t something he would always like, he knew that, but it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Maybe he would give it another try later.
He looked at Narukami, who quickly turned her head to the dress.
“Would you like to try it on?”
She nodded, and Shu led Kagehira out of the room. A few minutes later, the door was opened.
“Naru, oh my gosh! Ya’ look so pretty!” Kagehira squealed, rushing to grab his girlfriend’s hands. She giggled and twirled, and Shu was speechless. Seeing her and Kagehira, who was effortlessly beautiful and also wearing something that Shu was pretty sure he had made himself, together, was too much. They looked at Shu with so much love and adoration in their eyes that he could feel his face heat up.
“Kagehira is right. You look… beautiful.”
Shu could see the slight pink that bloomed on Narukami’s face. Trying not to think of it, he asked, “Does it fit? I didn’t have exact measurements, so tell me if there is anything I should adjust.”
She smiled. “It actually fits really well! You are really good at this, Shu.”
He smiled in turn, and Kagehira brightened.
“We should watch a movie or somethin’! It feels like a shame ta’ go home now, and the dress’ll stay clean if we stay inside!”
Shu thought for a moment. “I don’t mind watching something, but I don’t know if the dress is comfortable enough to watch a movie in.”
“Sorry Mika, I don’t want to mess it up, so I’ll change first. You guys can pick without me!”
Kagehira pouted for a second, but he brightened when Shu offered him his hand. He didn’t mind the contact before, and he figured he would try again. He also felt a little guilty only spoiling Narukami, and wanted to try and make up for it. Kagehira’s hand was warm, and it was comforting in a way that was new for Shu. The angle was a little awkward, but the smile on his boyfriend’s face made it worth it. They sat next to each other, Kagehira in the middle of the couch, and neither let go. They put on a movie Shu couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of, but Kagehira liked the animation, so Shu had had bought it just in case.
When Narukami came in, she cooed at her boyfriends, and Kagehira giggled while Shu rolled his eyes. She sat next to Kagehira, putting her head in his lap. The three were closer together than they normally were, but Shu didn’t actually mind it. His hand eventually got tired, so he let go momentarily. He could feel Kagehira's pout before it actually happened, and he smiled and moved Kagehira’s head to his shoulder. The shorter fell asleep there, and Shu was left to smile at his partners while the movie continued quietly in the background.
“Mika. Arashi." Shu closed his eyes. "Thank you.”
He didn’t know what he was thanking them for. Maybe for staying with him, for loving him, or for the warm feeling in his chest while they sat with him. Maybe for all three.
He barely registered an Of course from two different voices before he drifted off to sleep.