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Stray Kids as a group was known to be very loud and hectic at times. Chan never really minded much when they were, he only really had a problem when it affected others outside his group.
Like when they’re at awards shows.
They had been invited to the Asia Artist Awards, having several awards they were nominated for. Chan himself had been nominated for Best Producer. He wasn’t super confident he’d win it though considering the other super-talented people he was going against, but it was nice to be considered.
The chaos had already started as soon as the boys got into their green room. Well… it took a few minutes but when it hit, oh it definitely hit.
Felix, Seungmin, and I.N. were chasing each other around the room, and Jisung and Hyunjin were starting to get into a shouting match. Changbin had busied himself with some complimentary snacks and honestly, he wasn’t quite sure where Minho had disappeared to.
So it’s safe to say Chan had his hands full today.
He knew they were just excited to be there, but he also didn’t want the boys to trash the place, especially with several of their staff members having to go in and out of the room. Seungmin, Felix, and I.N. almost knocked over some of them a few times.
It was quickly getting out of hand.
Chan lets out a small sigh, “Guys, calm down, we need to start getting ready soon.”
Changbin was the only one to acknowledge the leader talking. To be fair Chan had been talking in his normal voice, he was always cautious of getting overly angry with the boys too quickly.
“Seriously guys, you need to be dressed and ready to go in five minutes!” Chan says, putting on his leader voice a little more.
This caught Hyunjin’s attention along with Jisung. But the three boys still paid no mind to the eldest boy, continuing their game.
It wasn’t until Seungmin had bumped hard into one of the stylists Chan let his anger slip.
“Hey!” His voice booms inside the room, causing everyone, including the staff, to turn in his direction, “Stop messing around! We need to be out of this room in five minutes! And Seungmin, you better apologize!”
The other boys stole glances at each other and nodded. Seungmin quickly turned and properly bowed to the staff member, apologizing profusely.
The staff members continue on their business, and eventually, the boys start to move again too, this time getting ready instead of messing around.
Chan lets out a sigh, realizing Minho was still missing.
He turns to Changbin, “I’m going to track down Minho, keep an eye on them for me, okay?”
Changbin just nods, offering a weak smile to the older boy.
Chan tries his hardest to push past how bad he was feeling at the moment about yelling at his boyfriends. He knows it comes with the territory of being the leader of seven rambunctious boys, but it doesn’t make it easier.
Chan’s main focus needed to be finding the missing boy.
He stepped out of the green room and down the hall, looking around for Minho. He stops in his tracks when he hears a few more voices, pretty loud ones at that.
He turns his head to find most of Ateez messing around at the end of the hall. They were being loud and rowdy, very much like his own boys could be.
His heart sinks when he sees Hongjoong, their leader, approaching the group.
It takes not even a few seconds for him to get the group as a whole to quiet down to basically whisper. He didn’t have to shout or interrupt the staff members working around him.
He could quiet his team down so much better than Chan could.
Chan tries his best to shake off the thoughts that want to start flooding his mind. He still needs to find Minho and get back to his group.
He keeps walking down the hall until he all but runs into the missing boy.
“Oh hey, Channie-Hyung.” Minho greets.
“Why did you run away from the group? We have to be in our seats in a few minutes. You can’t just go running off.” Chan didn’t mean to lecture, but he had already become a little irritated from the events of earlier.
Seeing how Hongjoong handled his group may have also dug more salt into the wounds, but Chan would never admit that.
“Hyung… I was just using the bathroom. I told one of the staff members that I would try to hurry back, I also checked with my stylist to make sure it was okay.”
Great.
How could Chan get onto Minho without even letting him explain himself? Man, he was a shitty leader after all.
“Okay then… let’s just, go back…” Chan mutters.
He turns around, not waiting for Minho as he heads back towards their green room. When they get back into the room, Chan waits his turn to get touched up before they head out to their seats for the evening.
Chan was seated between Jisung and Changbin as the award ceremony started. For the most part, all of the boys were trying their hardest to look engaged. Chan knew it was a bitch to sit through these sometimes, especially knowing there is more than likely a camera watching your every move.
They clapped when prompted, they looked like they were paying attention, hell they even kept the conversation at the table to a minimum.
The boys were good… for the first ten minutes.
Then the boredom kicked in in full force. Seungmin and I.N. were whispering amongst themselves, Felix and Hyunjin also seemed to be invested in their own conversation as well. Changbin and Minho were playing rock-paper-scissors for who got to pick where they would eat afterward.
And Jisung…
“Stop it,” Chan mutters as for the third time the water bottle tower had fallen onto their table. It wasn’t the first award ceremony that one of the boys gathered everyone’s water bottles and started to stack them.
Jisung didn’t listen to Chan’s warning, resuming his bottle stacking once more. Chan lets out a small sigh, knowing it’ll fall again, and hopefully when it does Jisung will be bored of trying to redo it and leave it alone.
He was right about the water bottles falling.
What he wasn’t prepared for was that the bottles would fall off the table. Jisung had tried his best to try to catch the tower before it fully topped over. In doing so he may have grabbed one of the bottles a little too tight.
The cap was already loose, Chan guessed, but the squeeze is what made the cap come all the way off, water immediately spilling onto Chan’s lap.
Chan jumps a little at the sudden coldness on his pants, “Jisung, what the hell I told you to stop!”
Chan didn’t mean to yell, he was just caught off guard. But he soon comes to his senses as he realizes several tables of other idols turning their heads in the direction of the leader. His eyes shift to Jisung who has guilt written across his face, apologizes immediately spilling from his mouth.
Chan couldn’t focus on what Jisung was saying, more concerned with the look on his face. The boy was clearly surprised about the sudden outburst of the leader but he also looked… scared.
Chan can feel a stabbing pain in his heart, hating the thought that any of his boyfriends could be scared of him, of his actions.
He really was a terrible leader.
He scares his group, shouts at them, and can't keep a handle on them.
Chan can still feel the eyes on him as he pulls out his chair, “I… I’m going to go to the bathroom…”
Chan didn’t bother waiting to hear a response from his boyfriends, wasting no time leaving the table and heading to the closest bathroom.
He could still feel the eyes on him as he walked out.
When he got to the bathroom he let out a sigh, seeing it was empty. His chest still felt tight as he gave himself a once-over in the mirror. Luckily it was just water and since his suit was black you could barely tell any difference. He spends a few seconds patting the water spot, trying to help it dry a little faster.
Chan didn’t want to go back out there. He knew some of the people had to be in there talking about him, about how bad of a leader he was. About how he can’t control his group. How could he think it’s okay that they act like that in public?
It’s not his boyfriends’ fault, he's a bad leader.
Chan musters up the courage to head out of the bathroom and back to where the award show was being held. It’s as if the day couldn’t possibly get any worse and somehow it does.
When Chan walks back in he is quick to recognize Changbin’s voice. His eyes glanced over to the stage where all of his boyfriends were on the stage, accepting an award.
Without him.
He can’t blame them, he was the one who ran off to the bathroom. He should have known one of the awards they were nominated for was coming up. A good leader would remember to think about that right?
Changbin sounded natural up on stage, accepting the award. Felix was right beside him, helping him thank the international fans in English as well.
They were doing so well without him.
Maybe the group would be better off like that, without him…
They finish accepting the award and Chan waits another minute or so before finally making his way back to the table. The energy at the table was completely different from when he had left it.
Everyone was quiet, keeping their eyes locked over at the stage. No one was talking amongst themselves or playing little games. All the water bottles had found their way to their proper owner.
He couldn’t help it, glancing around the room at the other groups, many laughing and being wrapped up in their own world. Chan noticed several times if they were messing around a little too much their leader was able to calm them down. All of them seemed to be happy with their leaders, smiling at them and still involving them in conversations.
Chan could feel sick to his stomach, he was sure his members were scared of him. He shouldn’t have been lashing out at them all day. He could feel his body start to shake, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes.
No.
He’s a leader, he shouldn’t be getting worked up. If he can’t even handle his emotions, what use is he to Stray Kids? What use is he now? All he does is yell at them.
He’s no leader.
Chan didn’t realize how wrapped up in his thoughts he was until he felt a small shake on his shoulder.
He glances up to see Changbin offering a small smile to the boy, “Can you come with me to the bathroom? I don’t know where it was.”
Chan nods, trying to steady his breath before getting back to his feet. The boys make their way out of the room and Chan starts to lead the younger boy towards the bathroom.
They don’t make it to the bathroom as Changbin pulls Chan into a small hallway to the side. Chan shoots a confused look at Changbin who just pulls the leader into a hug.
Chan tries to fight it at first, thinking he didn’t deserve this, that all he’s done today was be a dick to his boyfriends. Changbin wouldn’t budge in his grasp, only squeezing the older boy tighter.
Chan couldn’t hold back the tears this time as he gave in, relaxing into Changbin’s hold. Chan cries into the younger boy’s shoulder, his hands gripping on tight to the back of the boy’s suit jacket. Changbin doesn’t say anything, letting the leader get it all out, slowly rocking him side to side, drawing circles into his back.
It takes some time before Chan calms himself, but eventually, he does, pulling away from the younger boy.
“Thank you,” Chan mutters.
Changbin just nods, once again offering a soft smile to the leader, “Can I ask what’s going on in that head of yours?”
“A lot.” Chan forces a chuckle.
“We have time, talk about it. You’ll feel better once you do.”
“We don’t have time, we have to get back to the award sho-“ Chan starts before Changbin waves him off.
“Screw the award ceremony. You’re more important.”
“Yeah but the guys, they’re going to worry about what's taking us so long.”
“You don’t think we all know something’s off with you? I just volunteered to help talk you through it, but all of us are worried about you, Channie-Hyung.”
Chan nods, offering a weak smile.
He didn’t like making his members worry, almost as much as he hates seeing them being scared of him.
“So, what’s going on?” Changbin presses again, a little hope to get an answer this time around.
“Like I said, a lot.” Chan sighs, “I guess I feel like I’m being a bad leader. I mean I look around and I see all these other leaders taking care of their members. They all can keep their groups in line without yelling or drawing attention. I also hate that I yelled at you guys, hell I yelled at Jisung twice. I saw the way he looked at me…”
Chan can feel his heart tighten as he remembers the look on Jisung’s face, “He… he was scared of me. Then when I came back to the table you all were quiet. I don’t want to be a leader who leads by fear… I don’t want you guys to hate me… I don’t want my boyfriends to be… scared of me.”
By the time Chan finishes he can feel the tears streaming down his cheeks. Changbin didn’t hesitate to reach a hand up to the boy, using his thumb to wipe at the leader’s tears.
“I can tell you this right now, Channie-Hyung. You will never be a bad leader. You will never become the type of leader who leads by fear and none of us will ever look at you like that.”
“B-but Jisung he-“
“He was startled at the moment, he’s not scared of you Hyungie.”
Chan nods, trying his hardest to accept what the younger boy was telling him. Chan offers a weak smile at Changbin’s kind gesture.
After another minute or so the two clean themselves up and head back into the award ceremony. When they made it back to the table I.N. had stolen Changbin’s chair, waving for him to sit in his old seat. Changbin obliged and that left Chan to sit between Jisung and I.N.
It wasn’t even a second after he sat down he felt I.N. 's hand grab onto his own. Chan knew it was a very low likelihood that any camera would catch it, especially since their hands had been hidden mostly by the table.
I.N. squeezed Chan’s hand every now and again as the award ceremony continues.
After a couple of minutes, Jisung leaned into Chan a bit more, speaking in a hushed voice, “I’m sorry for getting water all over your pants, I should have stopped messing around after the first time you asked me to.”
Chan nods, offering a small smile to the younger boy, “It’s fine, I know you didn’t mean to. I understand these ceremonies can be boring.”
Jisung nods, letting out a soft chuckle, “Yeah, they definitely are.”
Chan smiles a little wider, glad to hear his member laughing once more. Chan gives a quick pat to the boy’s head, holding it there for a second before dropping his hand once more.
Small conversations started across the table once more, this time it seemed to be going much better. The boys got called for their second award, all eight of them making their way up the steps to accept it.
Chan could feel Minho’s hands on his back as they settled on the stage. He was drawing small designs on his back, trying to help calm the leader with a simple gesture.
Chan wasn’t surprised when Minho squeezed his bum before he pulled his hands fully from the older boy. Once they finished accepting the award they made their way back down the steps and to their seats.
Chan chuckles as the boys play a small game of musical chairs as they find a chair to sit in at their table, Chan ends up between Seungmin and Hyunjin this time.
Chan could feel himself getting more nervous the closer it got to the announcement of who would win ‘Best Producer’.
Seungmin took notice of Chan’s leg bouncing wildly, recognizing easily the boy getting more nervous. Seungmin rests his hand on top of Chan’s leg, drawing small circles with his thumb.
Chan glanced over to the boy and smiles at him, appreciating the comfort he was receiving from Seungmin.
“Don’t be nervous Channie-hyung, I know you will win.” Hyunjin leans in to whisper to the leader.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re our amazing leader, we couldn’t have won all our other awards without you or your amazing production skills. And I believe in you, Hyungie. I always will.”
Chan could feel a small blush spread across his cheeks from Hyunjin’s words. It always touched his heart to hear such things from his members.
Sometimes he had trouble accepting when the boys praised him, but it’s been something he’s slowly been trying to get better about.
“Thank you, Jinnie,” Chan says with a smile.
There were a few more awards before ‘Best Producer’ would be announced. But when the time came everyone was on the edge of their seats.
Stray Kids wanted nothing more than for Chan to win this award, and for him to get some well-deserved recognition for his hard work. Producing has been Chan’s passion forever and this would mean the world for him.
“The winner for the best producer is…”
The few seconds felt like hours to Chan and Stray Kids, as they were not so patiently waiting to hear the name that would be called.
“… Bang Chan of Stray Kids. Congratulations, Chan.”
The second the announcer said his name all hell broke loose.
Every member of Stray Kids was up on their feet cheering, all except for Chan.
Chan sat in shock for a moment, still processing that his name had just been called. Something he had been so passionate about, something that meant so much to him, and he won an award for it?
He’s on cloud nine.
Chan feels like he’s on autopilot, moving to his feet before walking up the steps to the stage. He accepts the award from the announcer, giving a polite bow as he does so.
It felt weird. Chan was standing on stage by himself, being able to look out into the crowd and see his boyfriends, his group, and the people he had worked so hard with to achieve these dreams.
It was crazy.
He lets out a nervous chuckle, his hand clutching tightly to the award so as to not drop it.
“Oh wow, I am just… I am so grateful for even being considered for such an honorable award. I want to thank Stays, for always listening to our songs and pushing me to get better and better. I want to thank JYP for believing in me and giving me a chance to share my talents with the world, I want to thank my fellow producers, who have continued to inspire me and helped encourage me to keep improving.”
Chan could feel tears filling his eyes, trying to keep himself together, “And above all, I want to thank my members. Without them, I wouldn’t be able to stand on this stage and accept such an award. Thank you guys for constantly motivating me and trusting me to lead you. I couldn’t ask for a better group of boys to stand by my side. Thank you all so much.”
Chan gives a small bow to the crowd before making his way off the stage and back to his table.
As soon as he sits back down he hears an “I told you so” from Hyunjin and he can’t help but laugh. Chan could feel a huge weight being lifted off his shoulder, the anxiety of if he would win or not disappearing as he glanced down at the award in his hand.
All the boys made sure to congratulate him, a few idols from other tables doing the same as well.
The rest of the award ceremony went well, and Chan felt worlds better since the start of it. As the ceremony concluded Chan couldn’t wait to get home, exhausted from the whirlwind of emotions from the day.
The first thing Chan does when he gets back to the dorms is head into the shower. He couldn’t wait to get out of the stuffy suit and wash the gel out of his hair along with the bit of makeup the stylist had put on him.
Once he stepped out of the shower he felt refreshed, he let Hyunjin know the shower was free to use before dropping off his dirty clothes in his hamper.
Chan had walked into the living room to find Minho and I.N. sprawled across the couch, cuddling into each other. I.N. didn’t hesitate to hold out grabby hands, beckoning the leader to come to join them. Chan showed no resistance as he joined the two on the couch.
Slowly as everyone finished showering and changing they ended up in a giant cuddle pile on the couch. The only one left missing was Felix, but not for long as the door to the dorm opened up once more.
Felix walks in with a hand behind his back, greeting the boys. Chan shoots him a confused look but doesn’t read too much into it initially.
“Since we’re all here, how about a movie?” Chan offers.
“That sounds good, Hyungie,” Felix responds, a smile spreading across his face, “But first, all of us have a surprise for you.”
“Okay…” Chan says hesitantly, “What’s the surprise?”
It was only then that Felix revealed what he had from behind his back before passing it over to Chan.
Chan took a second to examine the item over, it was a small plastic trophy, when he turned it over a piece of paper was taped onto the front of it. On the paper, it read:
‘Best Leader Award’
‘Bang Chan’
Chan lets out a small chuckle, a bright smile spreading across his face, “Is that so?”
“Yeah, we all took a vote and it was unanimous,” Felix claims with a goofy grin.
“I don’t know, the judges seem kind of biased.” Chan teases.
“I think it was a very fair vote,” Changbin states.
“Here, how about we do the vote again,” Hyunjin jumps in, “All in favor of Channie-hyung being the best leader ever, raise your hand.”
Every one of the boys raised their hand, Minho even forced Chan’s hand in the air.
“Eight votes that you are the best leader. Once again unanimous.” Felix declares.
Chan just shakes his head, “You guys are cute.”
“Damn right, we are!” I.N. shouts.
“Language.” Chan and Felix say in sync.
This causes all the boys to burst into laughter.
Once the laughter dies down Chan takes it as the opportunity to speak, “You guys didn’t have to do this you know. But I appreciate it a lot.”
“Sure we don’t have to,” Minho answers, “But we want to and we mean it. We couldn’t ever want a better leader. There isn’t one better for us than you.”
A chorus of agreement chimes out.
“You guys are something special,” Chan mutters.
“So are you, Hyungie,” Seungmin responds, giving a small kiss to the leader’s forehead to which Chan returns to gesture.
“Hey, I want kisses too.” Jisung whines.
“Me too!” Changbin adds.
Very quickly all the boys are whining for Chan’s kisses and his attention. Chan can’t help but laugh at how cute his boyfriends could be.
Soon enough everyone settles down and they eventually do pick a movie to watch. The rest of the night is spent in one giant cuddle pile, Chan at the center of it.
He couldn’t ask for better members.
And maybe… just maybe, they couldn’t ask for a better leader either.