Work Text:
"It's all in your head"
They say.
"It's all just pretend."
But what I can't understand is
If it's all in my head,
Why can't I just think of something else?
Why can't I tell the depression
That I can be happy?
Why can't I tell my anxiety
That they really aren't watching me?
Why can't I tell my ADHD
That I need to just focus, to listen for once?
Why can't I tell insomnia
That I just need some sleep?
Why can't I tell the self harm impulses
That I'm better off without doing it?
Its all in my head.
So many people say it,
I guess it must be true.
The pain I feel,
It isn't real.
Its all in my head.
The sadness from depression
Can so easily be dismissed.
The anxiety driven panic attacks
Are simply over acting.
The mess of ADHD
Is me simply not trying enough.
What I call insomnia,
Is merely an excuse to play games.
The self harm occurrences
Are a call for attention.
They claim I'll grow out of it.
After all, its all in my head.
Better days are waiting for me
If I just try more.
Do more,
BE more.
If I just change—
But I can't just change.
Though YOU might not see it,
Though YOU claim it isn't real,
I feel it.
I see it.
To me it IS real.
But nobody wants to hear that.
They want to feel
Their "pep" talk did some good .
They want to be the hero,
Even though
Its all in MY head.
So I say "I'm fine"
Though depression is begging me
To come join it.
To drown in the depths of it's sorrow.
To be crushed under the weight of inadequacy.
I say "sure I can do that"
Though anxiety makes my heart pound at the thought.
It throws excuses,
Reasons doing that is such a bad idea.
My palms sweat and
Now I'm stuck in bed unable to breathe normal.
"I'll be better." I lie
When confronted because of the mess,
The unfinished tasks,
As ADHD laughs behind me.
"I'll focus more", Another lie.
Another impossibility.
I answer "good"
When asked how I slept.
Not because it was good,
But because that's the answer they expect.
They don't want to listen
As I try to explain that insomnia is not a choice.
And I don't want to listen
When they say it's an excuse to binge.
So all I say is "good."
"I've stopped."
The final lie I mutter.
I haven't stopped,
I don't know how,
I've simply moved the place I cut.
You can no longer see the scratches,
As I cut hidden new ones
That remind me I'm still alive,
I'm still human,
I can still feel something.
I lie to people constantly
Because they seek to belittle.
"Its all in my head." Their constant refrain.
They don't understand
That though the problems started in my head,
They're now as physical as a broken leg.
I drag them behind me,
Constantly pulling their weight.
"Its all in your head."
"Depression isn't real.
Just be happy."
"Its all in your head."
"Anxiety is fake.
Just man up."
"Its all in your head."
"ADHD is an excuse.
You just need to care."
"Its all in your head."
"Insomnia is fiction.
You just have to sleep."
"Its all in your head."
"Self harm is stupid.
I just don't get,
Why would you purposefully hurt yourself?"
Just...
In my head.
Just...
In my head.
Just...
In my head.
The only phrases I'm offered.
Well if that's how it is,
You'd perfer if I make it physical.
After all,
Suicide isn't all in my head.
You'd notice that right?
Because suicide is real
and you can SEE it.
But all the causes leading to it,
Depression,
Anxiety,
ADHD,
Insomnia,
Self harm,
Bullying,
They aren't real.
They're all in my head.
If its true,
What you say,
And "it's all in my head"
Then I've only one thing left to say.
I guess I need a new one.
Drop the blade down on me.
Off with my head!