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Shauna’s stomach churned. In a way, she hoped it would not be Nat. She didn’t hope for anyone, the idea on itself absolutely terrifying, but Nat was different. She was the hunter. She had killed so many times before. She, and Travis as well, were skilled in ways most of the girls weren’t. They should have been safe from this.
Nat turned, and Shauna stood behind her, the golden necklace dangling from her hands. It’s funny how some moments stick to the memory; unimportant ones, those you don’t even think about as they’re happening. There was some dirt on Nat’s neck, just a stain, but it reminded Shauna of New Zealand. Jackie had always wanted to visit, and even made plans to go there during their first summer vacation from college. Now the island stuck to Nat’s back, dark brown and sticky, like the rest of her.
Shauna moved her hands to the front of Nat’s face, then put the necklace on her. The metal was cold. She did not flinch. Then Nat disappeared, and it was Jackie all over again. Jackie’s skin, Jackie’s tender flesh, Jackie’s laugh fading into the distance. Shauna felt her stomach grumble.
As time went on the wilderness, each of them developed a certain smell. A musk of sorts. Deodorant had run out long ago, and they had to find methods to make themselves not too foul. Flowers usually did the trick, then some other plants --pine needles and herbs Misty knew about that smelled like the inside of a hippie store. Winter was more difficult, and sometimes the stench was hard to cover. Shauna found herself inhaling Nat’s scent, some tree from around there which she had no name for. Nat always managed to smell nice. There was also sweat, humid dirt almost like rain, warm body fluids that were so human.
Shauna turned and took her dagger from the altar. The lit candle almost burnt her glove when her hand hovered. She picked it up, trembling all over. At times like these, terrible, horrifying, she tended to disappear. Inside her body there was a switch and she could just stand and watch. She had began to develop this ability when her meetings with Jeff became more frequent. As he took of his pants, her body rustled up her skirt, and she floated above the scene like a ghost. Jeff was warm and smelled like mall perfume.
Jackie’s flesh had tasted like ripe berries and overcooked turkey. The dead baby coming from inside her was just a very strong period. When she found a bloody Lottie at her feet, all she could remember was grazing at the darkness trying to find some solace. Her brain twisted and turned everything into tight knots of mirages.
She could not disappear now. Nat was in front of her and she could hear her breathing. The room was warm with the fire and their bodies, and it seemed like everyone decided to exhale and inhale at different intervals. Beyond this, the ice outside slowly melting away, still too slow. Shauna breathed. A deer in headlights, a rabbit’s head. It was not different than all those times. Right?
“Wait,” Nat whispered, her voice a faint echo. Shauna realized they were both shaking. Nat turned around and took the knife from her neck. “You’re gonna have to look me in the eye.”
Shauna just wanted to fucking leave. A silver tear danced through Nat’s cheek. Shauna had never seen her so afraid. She was always so cool and distant, and brave. No one else would spend their days freezing outside just to find something to eat. They all knew this. No Natalie meant no other hunter apart from Travis. Who would they train anyway? Shauna’s head started to spin. She felt a dozen eyes looking right at her. No, not at her. At her hand holding the knife, at the knife pressed against Nat’s throat. They all held their breath.
For a third time, Shauna’s stomach complained, and she found herself transfixed by Nat’s soft, pale skin. It looked so much like Jackie’s. It looked like a slaughtered animal. Except here blood was still running, Nat’s neck pumping hard. Her lips and cheeks were hot red, plump with life.
They were animals too, her biology teacher had said. The only difference between a pig and a human were DNA chains and evolution paths. But they were all the same flesh and blood, cartilage and fat.
They needed to eat. She had to feed them.
Travis jumped in. Shauna fell to the floor. It happened so fast, and before she could realize, she was running with the rest through the frozen ground, howling at the sky. Half beast, half animal, not one ounce of human still in them.
Or maybe there was. Maybe that was all there was to it.
The night of the first hunt the moon had hidden behind dark clouds. Shauna knew the snow was melting; she heard the droplets falling down outside from tall branches. But that night it snowed, and it created a thin carpet over the cabin. Lately it had become harder to tell what were signs and what was just a part of nature. She had always been sure on her capability to tell one thing from the other, the first one usually being just delusions from Lottie. She guessed that night was different.
While Van told a new story around the fire, Shauna licked at her molars trying to get a piece of meat out of them. Her stomach felt heavy and satisfied, and a new warmth traveled around her veins, still not quite reaching her toes. She could still smell on the inside of her nostrils the thickness of fresh blood. It wasn’t so different from slaughtering an animal, if you knew where not to look. Easier, somehow. There was no need to clean up the fur. Just a cut, warm and slimy insides, her cheeks flushing from the contrast of temperatures, the slosh of liquids and arteries. The organs were all the same. Once a face was taken out of the equation, the solution was quite simple: meat.
Or at least it’s what she told herself. At least is what kept her sane. Bringing the cleanly cut pieces to the table for them to enjoy took away all the horror. None of them had to endure what she had. So of course she sympathized with Nat. How could she not?
She soon realized Van had stopped her story, and Lottie was talking. “I never wanted to be in charge. It chose me, I think, because… because I was the only one who knew how to listen.” Her words were heavy. Shauna looked around and saw the disbelief in everyone, especially Mari. “But I can’t hear it anymore. I think that’s because it doesn’t need me anymore.”
Shauna was sick of this. The wilderness, and all its picking and choosing who lived, who died. Who was burned and who was saved. Why did it get to choose? She could still find no logic to what Lottie claimed to feel, to see. She couldn’t see what everyone saw, around the trees and between the millions of snow flakes. She only felt her constant hunger, her fatigue, her anger. These were real things, not tangible, but real. It irritated her how they decided to focus on magical forest gods, instead of their survival. Most of all, in angered her not being able to share that belief.
“The wilderness chose who fed us,” Lottie said, then stood up, her body crooked, her bruises from Shauna’s fists still fresh. “It’s already chosen who should lead us.”
The fire crackled. Shauna swallowed. When they were nine years old, her and Jackie played kings and princesses. Jackie was always king of the castle, Shauna the princess, but still she had to bow to Jackie, her king. Jackie made her a leaves circlet to wear, but she herself wore a crown made of poppies and thorns. Then she wore her red dress and toy heels, and asked for the adoration of all her subjects, which back then were her plushies and Shauna. Shauna wanted to be king of the realm as well, but Jackie said princesses were there to obey and be pretty. Then Shauna fixed her circlet and smiled.
She was tired of obeying. Jackie would have rather die than do half the things Shauna had done for them to survive. Jackie wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Lottie walked towards Nat, who stared at her wide eyed and scared. Nat. Shauna felt a strange sort of reverence towards her, but also a simmering contempt, which she found feeling for every single girl there. “Natalie, how else do we explain what happened out there? We tried to kill you, and it wouldn’t let us.”
Shauna sighed. The lake was melting, Javi fell, they didn’t help, because they knew whose absence would be felt the strongest. They tried to be animals and fall into the wilderness’ will, but left side won. It was just instinct. Then, Lottie bowed. She took Nat’s hand, then kissed it.
Just like that. Nat was king. Shauna was in the deep background, a grainy picture to forget.
One by one, they all marched to her, swearing obedience to their new leader. It came easy, somehow. Lottie said it, so they all listened, as it had been for months now. Misty bowed like a little knight, Nat laughed. Travis promised his heart, she accepted. Shauna approached her and froze in place.
Only a few hours ago she tried to kill her. She almost did. Yet here she was standing, still dirty, still tired, still smelling of forest and herbs, an acute cleverness in her eyes. Shauna’s heart melted. Nat was looking at her and still expected nothing. Shauna could just leave. She lowered her head anyway.
Looking up, Nat appeared more serious, and that’s when the fear settled in Shauna’s gut. The girl she almost killed was now the one who would take them through the wilderness into a safer place, to guide them through signs and premonitions, through the words whispered between the pine trees. Here was Natalie the hunter, the almost dead girl who survived their forest God and took the crown with her.
Shauna understood saints now.