Chapter Text
sirius black was in the great hall with a plate with a small portion of food , he was holding the letter addressed ro him by his mother about how he is a blood traitor for befriending half bloods and getting sorted into gryfindoor.somehow sirius believed his mother's words everytime .
He opened the letter to find the same content of every time , his mother cussing him and hating him .
prongs and moonie were discussing their studies when remus saw the horrified look on siruis's face and the untouched plate of food he nudges sirius lightly not to scare him and started
"padfoot is everything alright "
his friends didn't know yet how his family was so he just nodded and said he needed to go to the bathroom while going out the letter fell from his pocket and remus hesitated before picking it up and and reading it in a voice loud enough for James and Peter to hear
sirius
I am very disappointed in what you have turned out .you are supposed to be the heir of the pure blood family of Black's instead you turned out to be a blood traitor and a gryfindoor. you're a disgrace to this family. you will receive your punishment when you get home . And stay out of trouble or else .
walburga black
James's mouth was agape and remus was still processing what he was reading , how could eh be this cruel
meanwhile sirius was making his way to the bathroom processing what his mother had sent him " blood traitor " "disgrace ""punishment "he thought he deserved it but every time his mother would use the Lacero curse or even the unforgivable he would remember just how much he was unloved .But he collided with Snape in his daze that just wanted to hurt sirius "where are you running to fatty "sirius heard but brushed it off continuing his way
He sat in the bathroom thinking about the insults , he rolled up his sleeves to reveal white scars and red angry gashes staring at him .
He had started punishing himself in fourth year when he put the wrongs Ingridients in a potion and made James and himself fail . James wasn't angry at him . but he was angry at himslef that's when he longed for his mother's punishments so he cut himself.
He found it quite relivieving that in the end he got what he thought he deserved . so he got out his muggle razor that he hides in his pockets .And he cut for who knows how many times then he covered his cuts with some white gauze and rolled down his sleeves .
moments later he went out of the bathroom to find his three friends waiting for him by the sink it was James who started
"why did you run off "
"I just needed some moments to think and I also had eaten so much that I needed to use the bathroom "
sirius lied threw his teeth and remus knew that
"you didn't touch your plate sirius "remus said In an angry voice causing sirius to flinch back the three saw that and were stating to get worried , he had always disappeared after he got his letters , they never knew what he does or how he acted or why he runs off but this time they knew some bits of it and they wanted to help but also needed answers
"I didn't mean to raise my voice I'm sorry "
"it's fine "At that moment sirius started to panic feeling his gauze loosen up and blood trickling down.
"padfoot what's going on ,please tell us you know what you don't need ro tell us three you can talk to one of us or anyone just please im worried what's wrong I want to ..."
James stopped speaking instantly when he spotted blood running down on sirius hands dropping to the floor He walked so fast towards surius that sirius flinched and backed up into the wall James stopped to let him relax then took his wrist but when sirius realized what he was onto he tried to fight back .
Sirius was panicking he started shaking but James needed to know .with a shaky voice sirius started pleading
"Please James at least not in front of them , not in front of moony "sirius whispered the last part so only James hears him
"Remus , Peter go back to the common room well meet you there !" he said his voice shaking from being nervous of what he was about to see , what his best friend, his brother was hiding from him .
Remus and Peter were confused and standing further aways from the other two but when they heard James talking to them with a shaky voice they started getting worried but they obeyed
When the other two were out of sight sirius started talking with a shaky voice almost bursting out to tears but remembering his father telling him that crying is for the weak
"Promise me you won't leave after seeing please don't leave , I'm sorry , I'm sorry , I'm sorry ..."
James has started unwrapping the gauze when sirius started talking when he saw the white scars and angry gashes and some parallel red and white cuts he starting tearing up
"Did you do this ?" His voice was cracking
The thought of his best friend hurting himself in any way made him want to collapse crying on the floor
The only response he got from padfoot was a shaky nod then he started crying forgetting his father's words and nonsense for just 10 minutes .
James was holding onto sirius with dear life as if the boy would crumble if he didn't
James really wanted to know why but he wasn't sure if sirius was ready to talk about it so he asked gently when sirius was starting to calm down
"Can you talk to me about this "
Sirius heard the heart voice of James and if he needed to say the truth to fix it he would
Sirius started "what do you want to know exactly "
"Anything you feel comfortable sharing maybe starting with why ?"
Sirius froze for a second then he relaxed and whispered his answer " I do it to punsih myself , when I fuck up . Sometimes I long for the pain my mom gives me so I inflict it myself ..."
Sirius stopped in his tracks when he realized that he had just revealed to his best friend about the pain his mom inflcts on him
"Padfoot you can't think like that alright , we all mess up in the end were human , you don't deserve to get punished and whatever your mom does to you its not normal "
"I do deserve it "
"No ,no you don't " James had started crying again "Nobody deserves that pain especially you padfoot , you deserve nothing but good things to happen to you we all mess up "
There was a moment of silence and sirius seemed to relax realizing that James cared even in the slightest about him and for the first time in his life he felt comfort, he always longed for comfort , after every beating , every nightmare, ever bad thought he just wanted comfort .
When James realized that sirius had relaxed enought for his next question he started "what do you mean by the pain your mother gives you , what does she do sirius "
At the use of his name sirius realized that in this specific situation he can't lie so he started with a shaky breath " she hits me, she uses black magic curses , she uses the unforgivable curse but please James don't tell anyone and don't worry about it please " sirius was pleading but his friend was horrified how could a mother do that ro her own son
"Padfoot that's abuse , that's torture , you need Profesional help , you have resulted to harming yourself " James took a deep breath realizing he was getting too worked up
" you're not going back there "
" what ? What do you mean ? Where else would I go ? What about Reggie ?"
"You're coming with me and don't worry about your brother he too can come "
"Prongs I can just pop up to your house and burden your family , and you're telling not only one person to come but two I can't just burden your parents like that "
"They love you sirius they'll be overjoyed with your stay , let us worry about that later, we need to get your wounds cleaned up "James said eyeing a gash on siruis's arm that was dripping blood to the floor ," let's go to promfey "
"No!" Sirius shouts and retreats his arm from James's grasp" I'm sorry for shouting .But no shell tell Minnie and they'll write to my parents just no "
"OK I'll try clean you up in our dorms then "
"Ok " sirius said eyes glistening with tears threatening to spill At any second
James carried sirius and ignored his attempts of trying to convince him to put him down ,James could see that sirius didn't eat enought and with the amount of blood he lost he had a big chance of fainting so he went with the safest option
"James put me down ,I'm too heavy your gonna fall carying me "
James couldn't believe what he was hearing .Sirius fat? How? He was skinny and the way he was starting to eat less everyday he was on the underweight side ,concentrating on mending siruis's injuries he replied "Nonsense"
The pair made their way to the dorm , when they arrived they were met by their very concerned friends
James glared at them a friendly glare telling them not to comment for now .James took padfoot to his bed opening his trunk to fetch a med kit he started disinfecting and covering his cuts .once he was done he turned to sirius and whispered "you don't have to tell them now if you're not comfortable "
"I do owe an explanation thought" he whispered back "
"Pads ,what happened " remus aproched
"James can you tell them , please "
"Alright if that's what you want"
Sirius was too overwhelmed he sat there face cold knowing his only method of coping was not an option anymore ,but also glad he was getting help , but he didn't deserve it , he thought about snap's comment and his mother's honest words and he felt like closing his eyes and never opening them again , but he didn't only because it would hurt his friends
Meanwhile James was explaining with a soft broken voice to moony and wormtail why he panicked and kicked them out of the bathroom
"While I was talking to sirius I saw blood on his palm when I went to inspect he begged me to not do it in front on the both of you "
"Can we know what it is "Peter said his voice soft
"He harms himself "James said tears slipping from his eyes and hands shaking while sirius was looking shamefully on the ground
Remus had a look of horror while Peter couldn't process what was being said for him he didn't think anyone would ever do that
Remus looked at sirius which pleading eyes "why?" The question came out as a whisper
Sirius didn't answer realizing that the only person that he truly loved sees him as a freak now at least that's what he thought
"Siri" remus tried
"I do it as a punishment, for my stupid mistakes"
"Evryone makes mistakes siri you don't, y- you don't need to do whatever you do to yourself because of a mistake ! Ho-how did you even come up with something lik-like this "
Remus was now tearing and realized that he was slightly pissed at sirius for doing such thing and not even telling him
"How long ?"
"What?" Sirius answered confused of the question
"How long have you been harming yourself siri" Remus repeated himself explaining his question and at that moment James and Peter started concentrating too being concerned too and wanting to hear the answer
"Since I was 13 "
Silence fell in the room none of them able to grasp the information yet. James had started tearing up again and remus didn't believe what he was hearing .How come he was so blind not to see how much his soul mate was suffering he was staring sadly at sirius until the silence was broken by siruis's words that were mixed with deep breaths and sobs
"I-I-Im sorr-sorry , please -please don't hate me , don't lea-leave me please im sorry .
Remus couldn't take it and went next to sirius and hugged him so tight that he can hear siruis's broken sobs and deep breaths .
"Of course we won't hate you , we love you and always will." he said brushing his fingers in the long dark strands of hair .
Siruis's sobs calmed down into calm breaths that's when the other three realized that sirius had fallen asleep , remus put him in bed and the three headed out for lunch forgetting the classes they had missed .
Peter was the one to break the silence "I didn't ever think one could do that to themselves "
"Only when they're hurt " James answered
"James " remus said voice low but demanding
"When I asked him why he didn't give me a full answer , I didn't wanna pressure him but I need to know.
"It's his homelife "
"That still isn't the full answer james!"
"I can't say it "
"Please"Remus was more worried than ever now
"He's abused at home he -he said that he longs for the pain his mother gives him when he fucks up so he inflicts if himself"
"What does that lady do to him!"
"Curses , bad ones " James answered defeated
"How come we never knew " remus was furious
"He's good at hiding it" James was furious too at himself and at the person who calls herself a mother "
"This is bad " remus felt all the emotion hit him in the face at once and now he wanted nothing more than the comfort his bed provides him