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No one ever told Near about the indescribable, all-encompassing loneliness that came with taking over L's title.
Near knew that intellectually, humans were social creatures, and irregardless of what others had said, Near was still a human, and even if humans had different levels of tolerance for being alone, they couldn't go long without engaging with another person. There were severe affects that could be brought on, from hallucinations to depression to lower mental processing power.
Near thought he was above it, could do it. That was what he was raised to do, the expectations of Wammy and Roger, what he saw as the life of L. Solitude, with no need for others.
The former members of the SPK came and went, but never stuck around for long, which Near thought suited him. He spent his time alone, with his toys and computers, thinking that this was enough. That was all he needed.
Near, again, thinks he may have miscalculated.
L was never really alone. He had Wammy, who was a constant presence in his life. L still grew up around others, interacted with them irregardless of his perception of them. He worked with police and detectives, never face to face and so closely before the Kira case, but he still did. And Near was certain, although he couldn't confirm since the two culprits were long dead, but he suspected that there was something more, something L wouldn't admit to, between him and Yagami Light.
Near knew it had to be that. L was an excellent detective, smart and calculated and relatively distant in all ways, he was perfect for this line of work. He would have never died if he hadn't slipped up, somehow. Had his defenses broken into. And Near could see that, when L spoke with them rarely about the Kira case. Near didn't know too much about L, he was still an illusive figure even to the Wammy children, but Near was trained in observational skills, and irregardless of everyone's teasing that he had the emotional skills of a rock, Near could tell that L spoke with a wisp of fondness when discussing Light. Admired his observational and deduction skills, and if Near was being a little unserious, probably would have found Light being able to beat him in a game of wits exhilarating, if L was still alive to think so.
When Light died, his mother and sister, his only surviving family members, weren't hasty in collecting Light's things. Near understood that they probably wanted to delay the realization, the final hit, the fact that their beloved son and brother were long gone, just like Yagami Soichiro. Maybe it was also pain, that they have lost too much. They were never told the truth of Light's or Soichiro's death. The task force thought it was too cruel. Near disagreed.
It ended up being that some of the task force worked on picking things up, putting them away in boxes for Sayu and Saichiko to pick up, or potentially throw away. Near had come to where Light lived once very late in the day, away from the others, because Near wanted to be able to see everything, get a full picture of Kira, with a clear head, instead of being bombarded with nonsense and comments and idle talk.
He found a slip of paper, tucked inconspicuously under a desk, not dated, which he double-checked to confirm that it was Light's handwriting, that wrote:
I have never met anyone like him,
And I don't think I ever will, again.
Near knew who Light was referring too. It was as much of a love confession as someone like Light could do.
It almost stumped Near.
So L was never in solitude, in quiet loneliness and contemplation. Near was sure his most exciting moments were dueling with Light, besting and sometimes, ever so slightly, being bested.
Near didn't have that. There was no Wammy, who was long gone. Well, but Near did, almost. Potentially. Before. But it had faced the same fate as what happened with L and Light. Maybe that was just the conclusion for something like that.
Near had never hated Mello. Any rivalry Mello had with Near was one-sided, and Near would have liked to work with Mello. Near knew his biggest weakness was caution and tentativeness. He never took charge the way Mello did, who crashed and slammed into things, blowing them up and asking questions later.
It was something Near admired about Mello. It was, in fact, what saved him. And sometimes, quietly to himself, Near would like to believe that Mello knew the whole time, and did it purposefully to save Near.
The thought would make his heart race, and he would go back to one of his puzzles.
What Mello may have lacked in patience and intellect, he possessed in raw passion. He did what he could to destabilize set order and perceived safety, making himself unpredictable and a fierce threat. Near knew that Mello kidnapping Sayu was probably the first time Light ever felt truly caught off-guard, out of control, unable to simply smooth talk and ease his way out of the situation. That probably hurt Light's ego more than anything L or Near ever did.
Near admired Mello.
It took Near a while to realize how much of a waste of human existence it was to be the best. In anything. The most intelligent, the strongest, the most powerful. Life was so full of things not understood, and beating yourself in your own game of wits was boring. It got boring. What was the purpose to life if there was nowhere to go?
It was others who came in, with their individual minds and experiences and genetics that so wove together no one else could ever replicate it. No matter who they were, intelligent or not, they were people who could be unpredictable, whose thinking wasn't always clear, whose minds worked with some mystery.
Near knew it was when Mello appeared or was spotted or hinted to be around that made Near excited. He wanted to know what Mello would do next, how he would destabilize everything around him. Would Mello confront him, would he have another piece of information to hold over Near, would he make an arrogant mistake?
In ways, Mello was the color in Near's life, a reckless splatter of it that contrasted against Near's delicate white, irregardless of Mello's consistent black leather attire that Near personally found tacky.
Maybe for others it didn't make sense to have any sort of positive inclination—Near was hesitant to call it romantic, since he wasn't sure—to someone like Mello, who was cruel towards Near and taunted him and fought with him in an albeit one-sided battle, but Near had always operated from a logical perspective. Not that it excused Mello's behavior, but Near could see Mello's other qualities that shone through. Mello had grown since their time at Wammy's, no matter what the fiery blond would say.
It wasn't like it was going to work in the end anyway.
Near had always quietly wondered, contemplating, how being in a relationship with Mello would be like. They would probably still call each other by their code names, but maybe when they were alone, they would say each other's real names, ones that had been in disuse for so long. Maybe Near could be Nate if Mello was Mihael.
He didn't think either of them were very obsessed with physical touch, so they probably wouldn't hug, kiss or hold hands. Mello would never give up his rivalry with Near, even if they were together, so Near would have to get used to Mello wanting to beat him in the most insignificant things, such as who made a better breakfast or who was the better kisser. Near could easily concede these to Mello, he did not care, but he wouldn't make it obvious as to not anger the blond.
Maybe Mihael would be a harsh kisser, cruel and unforgiving. Or maybe he would trick Nate and kiss him carefully, softly, just to throw him off. Maybe he would just touch their lips, not kissing at all, but more mimicking dead fish.
Maybe Mihael would complain that Nate spends too much time inside, playing with his puzzles, and would drag him to stupid events and activities, such as drag racing or a casino, where their combined intellect would allow them to make a large sum of money at poker or blackjack, but would cause them to get kicked out and likely permanently banned.
Maybe Mihael would buy him new puzzles and then complain about Nate taking too long on them. Maybe Mihael would let Nate touch his hair, to feel the golden strands between his fingers, see if they were as soft as they looked. Would his hair feel like softly spun gold? Maybe Mihael would gently spoon Nate when they slept, telling Nate in the morning it was just a fluke and an accident with an embarrassed growl and flushed face, an accident that happened every night. Maybe Mihael's skin would be smooth under his hand, and rough where his scar was and along his jaw and chin. Maybe Nate would get stare into Mihael's eyes, blue like the sky, admiring them for their bright color. Maybe Mihael would let Nate apologize, and he would scoff and say there was nothing to apologize for, Mihael had always done what he wanted to, never felt pressured or coerced, and there was nothing to stop that.
But that was it. It was all a maybe.
Maybe that was the problem with getting close to others. You lost them, especially in the world that Near and L and Mello were in. A double edged sword; humans craved companionship but couldn't stand the pain of losing them.
L died, and Light died, and Mello died. So many others died too. Near was the only one left, not without the sacrifice of others.
Near knew there was no point in keeping the photo of Mello during the Kira investigation. He could have easily destroyed it himself, no need to go through the struggle of waiting for Mello to show up to give it to him.
But it was all Near had of him that was created from the outside, that proved that Mello was real, that others had seen him, that he wasn't just a manifestation or mirage of Near's imagination. In the moments between Mello's appearances at the base, the photo was proof he was still out there, having unfinished business. It comforted Near, to know that Mello would eventually have to come pick it up, like this goal was keeping Mello alive somehow. It was also like an object permanence problem, because Near worried that if he didn't have the photograph, he would forget Mello ever existed, and Mello would disappear as if he was never there.
But that was foolish to think, because now, in between cases long after Mello's death, he was always on Near's mind, clinging to him like a ghost. Mello could never die, not with Near keeping his memory and legacy alive, keeping the little Mello puppet securely hidden away as if it was Mello's last tether to the physical plane. Maybe Near should have never given Mello the photograph. Maybe that was what killed him.
Maybe Nate really wasn't alone. Maybe Mihael was still there, watching over Nate, never able to speak or be spoke to or have any affect on the physical world, but there. Maybe it was just Nate's mind, creating Mihael in order to orchestrate the facsimile of another person, a different human being. Whatever it was, Nate always was certain that the deep emotions, unfathomable, indescribable and sometimes intense, that lit within him when Mihael was alive were real, were powerful, and never died, still here even with their target long gone. Nate couldn't do that to Mihael, form fake emotions stemming from loneliness and pain after his death, with no regard to his true personhood. Mihael, if he were still here, would respond in anger if he knew of Nate's thinking, asking “why are you fucking getting feelings for me now after I'm dead? Loneliness getting to you? Did I not deserve those feelings when I was alive?” Nate owed it to Mihael to be honest and forthcoming with his feelings, to the person Mihael was when Nate knew him, and that was how Nate repaid him. For everything.
Maybe Nate wasn't sure what to do now, with Mihael gone. Maybe, the rivalry wasn't one-sided. Maybe Nate needed it as much as Mihael. Maybe this was why Near had to be distant, but Nate couldn't do that. Not anymore.
Maybe, just maybe, a part of Near died when Mello died. And maybe, just maybe, he took all the purpose, joy, pain, and color out of Near's life when he did.