Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It all started when he was twelve. He was so young, yet he had to act so old.

He promised to himself that it would only be a one time thing.

He’s seen what happened to his father with his alcohol addiction , he could only imagine what would happen with someone physical hurting himself.

He told himself it wouldn’t get this bad, he would be in control.

But he wasn’t.

[][][]

“Shit.” He mumbled to himself while looking through the cabinets “There’s not food for all of us.”

“Raph!”

He had been shaken out of his train of thought by his littlest brother trying to get his attention.

“Mmh? Oh sorry Mikey, Raph was just thinking. What is it?”

“I’m hungry, can I eat now?”

“Soon Mikey, Raph just needs to prepare the food. Raph will call you guys when it’s ready, ok?

“Ok! Thanks Raphie!”

He watched his eight year old brother run out the door to play his brothers.

He thought about asking his dad to go out and get some. But he had seemed so depressed recently, and he didn’t want to bother him. He sighed to himself then smile softly.

“There’s enough food for them.”

~~~

He called for his brothers once the food was done. His stomach was growling but he ignored it. Within seconds his little brothers were running through the door, racing to the table. He handed everyone their plate and sat down with them.

“Hey Raph, where’s your food?” The striped turtle asked

he was trying to keep is mind of his hunger so he was a bit caught of guard with the question.

“Oh uh, I already ate. I was really hungry so I ate while making your food,”

The striped turtle was satisfied with his answer and continued to eat, but the soft shell was not. They stared at him narrowing their eyes, the only reason they stopped was because Leo had stole some of their food.

~~~

He had said goodnight to all his brothers and at this point his stomach was killing him. That night he cried himself to sleep holding on to his stomach.

Raph woke up and looked at the clock, it flashed 4:27am. He walk out his room to see his dads room slightly open with the TV on. All the food in the house was gone and there wouldn’t be anything for his brothers to eat.

“Dad… are you awake?”

“…Yes, what do you need Red.?”

His voice sounded so defeated, it always hurt to see how low his dad could get.

“There’s no more food, could- ..could you go out an get some?” He spoke softly and was clearly very nervous about asking. There was a moment of silence, no one said a word. The only noise was the commercials playing from the TV.

“..no, not today red…I will tomorrow, for now, I have an emergency food stash next to my shelf. There should be enough for your four the whole day.”

The red masked turtle walked into the room, and just as his dad had said: there was a box full of food that looked enough to last till tomorrow. His face filled with happiness to see all the food, he was so hungry could of eaten it all.

“Thanks dad!” Just as he was about to leave he asked, “…dad… can I have a hug?”

“Of course Red... Actually come here my son. It is early and you should be sleeping still, I will wake you up when it’s time to feed your brothers.”

This made Raph smile knowing his dad cares about him. He got up on the couch and snuggled up next to Splinter. His eyes were heavy, the sound from the TV had faded out as he fell asleep.

~~~

Raph opened his eyes and noticed his dad wasn’t there, maybe he was feeling better and got up, no reason to worry. He glanced over at the clock, it read 12:32pm. Now that was something to worry about, his brothers hadn’t been fed. Their probably starving because the spare food was in Splinters room. Raph frantically got off the couch to the kitchen to see: no brothers, huh. No one on the living room either, but there was a note on one of the chairs in the living room.

‘Dear Red,

I have taken your brothers out to the top for the first since I am feeling better. Do not worry I have fed them and I will take you out too after we get back (if you want). I have left you food and we’ll  back soon. I’m sorry that I did not wake you up, you seemed so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb you.

-Love dad’

Okay, so his brothers had been fed, and his dad was feeling better that’s great! But why does he feel so anxious. His brothers are with his dad, their safe, no need to worry. But what if they get lost. What if they get hurt.  What if someone sees their green skin and takes them and does who knows what! Oh dear…

He was pacing back in forth for a hour. He had eaten a piece of bread when he got off the couch, so at least that pain was gone. And now it was replace by anxiety. He tried to clear his mind by reading, drawing, anything . Any little noise made him flinch. But nothing worked. He decided to go to the bathroom and splash his face with warm water. He accidentally nocked down the soap bottle and when he picked it up he notice a bag on the floor. It wasn’t transparent to he had to pour out what was in the bag, and with the lights being so bad there wasn’t any way someone could just look inside the bag.

He poured out the continents of the bag on his hand, because he was scared he might drop and break something. When a bunch of small razors had fallen out on his hand, most poking his hand but some cutting through his skin. And as much it did sting when it cut him, it felt.. good. He couldn’t explain it, or understand. So, he picked up a razor that had fallen and cut his skin. It felt like all the stress never existed, it made him relax? Strange . But best of all it made him feel like he was in control, in a situation that made him feel like it was a roll of a dice.

Again . He dragged the piece of metal across his fore arm, and though he had flinched at the feeling. He smiled at the feeling. Before he knew it his forearm covered in red lines, with blood beginning to leak out. Raph look at himself in the mirror, what was he doing?! He was intentionally hurting himself, and enjoying it.

This is ridiculous. But… it feels so good. No! He’s heard what happened to April’s friend , they began doing this to them self, and it had impacted not just them. But the people around them, including April.

“Well, it cant hurt them if they don’t know..?” He spoke to himself in the mirror “plus it’s only going to be a one time thing, I’m just really stressed right now… they won’t-, they can’t , find out”

By the time he was done it looked like there had murder in the sink, not to mention his arms were stinging. He found some gauze in the cupboards and wrapped it around his arms. Then he cleaned the blade and the sink, lastly he put on his hoodie to hide the bandages. It looked like nothing ever happened and his family would never find out.

[][][]

Donnie had fallen and hurt their shell, they were in pain for a good 5 minutes before someone found them curled up in a ball on the floor. Yes they was okay after a week, but that still cause the family -especially Raph- to be super stressed. Don had just 12, and Raph would of felt so guilty if they had died days after their birthday. Heck , Raph was already so guilty that he wasn’t the one to find them.

To deal with this feeling of guilt and stress he took a knife from the kitchen and took it to his room to… well, you already know.

He realised that this was the 3rd time he had done it and felt ashamed. But that didn’t stop him.

[][][]

Years of being the oldest, looking after his three little brothers that were very chaotic obviously there would be times were he got really stressed.

And this ‘one time thing’ would turn into a weekly occurrence.

As they grew older and fought villains pretty much nightly, they would sometimes get hurt. And that made it easier of Raph wear the bandages on his arms and legs. No one even questioned it, it just became apart of his ‘look’.

He knew what he was doing was bad, so he turned to the internet to help him stop. He had read that he should find something else to do when he’s stressed, and found that punching helps. So now if Raph felt stress he would go to the punching bag and punch it for hours, or till it just broke.

He was doing really well and hadn’t cut himself for months, except during Leo’s first mission as leader and almost killed everyone , besides that he was doing really well!

…Until 3 months later, there was the invasion.

Chapter Text

“ Raph..? ”

He would do anything for his little brothers, for his family . Even if that meant sacrificing himself to keep them safe.

“Raph please. Wait- no! NO WAIT! RAPH WAIT. NONONONO. RAPH NO PLEASE-“

The blue masked turtle voice faded out. Everything started to become blurry and there was a ringing noise in his ears. A sharp pain in his shoulder. Then everything went black.

Raph woke up covered in gooey Kraang stuff with eyes everywhere.

He remembers the Kraang invading his body. It felt tight, squishing into an area where there was no room. Their tentacles going around his eyes and through his head. Going in his veins, his blood. Even when the tentacles left the pain was still there till he blacked out again.

~~~

Darkness .

He was alone with no control of his body. Hours of no control, no family, he had lost all hope of freedom.

“ I finally understand. And I’m sorry… ”

Wait …

That was Leo’s voice!

He was let out the darkness. When he could fully see again, he saw Leo being held by his neck.

When he was in control again, it didn’t feel like he was in full control. He still had Kraang bits stuck to his body causing him to be in immense pain and discomfort.

~~~

So much had happened when he was out. He became a puppet for the Kraang, while his brothers were fighting for their lives. New York, their home, was now war grounds. He had almost taken one of his brothers lives when they were trying to save him .

He felt so useless. He couldn’t save Leo from all the pain he endured in the prison dimension. In fact all he did was fall to his hands and knees, crying, pathetic .

Mikey had opened a portal but in the process he burnt his hands. What a terrible older brother, he should of been the one to go through the pain, not his brothers. He’s the protector, the shield, and his only purpose is to protect his family.

~~~

Leos in stable condition. Mikey’s arms have been wrapped up. Donnie’s shell has been disinfected and cleaned. Lastly there was Raph, he didn’t let anyone try to help him. He kept making excuses and getting them to focus and help someone else.

“Raph! Get your butt here now, you are injured and Casey and I need to patch them up!”

“Aprillll.. shouldn’t you be helping Leo?”

“No, he’s in stable condition and Spints is watching over him,”

“What about Don or Mikey or-“

“ Raph .” Her voice was both firm and calming. “We’ve taken a look at everyone’s injuries and patched them up, and their all resting near Leo. Your the last person we need to check out. So please, come with me to the med-bay, and let me help you.”

“…okay” his voice was soft and hesitant, “but… could you do it in here, Raph dosen’t feel comf- Raph will probably take up too much space.”

“..Sure Raph, I’ll get Case to look get his stuff and I’ll start taking a look at your eye. Sound good?”

Raph nodded silently. He watched April leave the room and head of to the med-bay.

The real reason he didn’t want to go to the med-bay was because he was scared. He was scared he might hurt his brothers, again .

“Okay Raph, Casey is grabbing his stuff and will be here soon. Now can I take look at your eye?”

He nodded blankly. Everything was a blur, and he wasn’t really paying attention to his surroundings. He was just there, lost in thought and guilt.

When April had put her fingers near his eye socket it made him flinch and jerk away.

“STAY AWAY!”

He was protecting himself, his arms covering his head -more specifically his eye- from any danger.

“… Raph, it’s me April. Your at home. Your safe. Your away from the Kraang. Your with you family.”

“A-April..?” He was hesitant but opened his eyes slowly and lowering his arms.

“That’s my name,” the girl said in a loving matter. “Are you alright, how you feeling?”

He paused, finding the best way to put his feelings into words.

“Fine… now that I’m here,”

They smiled at each other and looked into each others eyes. Raph stood up and hugged his sister, April returned the action. And though that should of made him feel better, it didn’t.

~~~

He looked into mirror after April and Casey (Jr) wrapped up his arm and eye. Raph didn’t understand why he felt that way, or why it just began -and stayed- after his hug with April.

Then he figured it out, guilt .

Guilt that he was acting so dramatic about someone going near his eye when Leo was thrown around like a rag doll.

He needed to relive stress. But he couldn’t. Because: firstly, the punching bag was gone and there was nothing that he couldn’t punch. Secondly, he couldn’t punch. One of his arms were wrapped with bandages and the other was feeling like all  the bones were made out of jelly.

He was (subconsciously) hitting hitting his tail at the ground and pacing back and forth, thinking on what to do. He was walking through the lair and stumbled into the part that had collapsed in, and was full of rubble.

Raph slowly walked through the rubble, seeing a bunch of their broken belongings scattered around.

Just wandering through the rocks and cement, he wasn’t paying attention on where he was walking and tripped on something. He picked up the object the he had tripped on and examined it. It looked familiar. When he opened the bag he remembered why it looked so familiar, it was the bag where he found the razors when he was 12.

He hesitated for only a seconded and reached into the bag, then grabbed a razor.

His body was telling him not to do it, but his brain just needed to discard all the built up stress and anxiety.

He placed the small piece of metal on his arm without the bandages and slowly dragged it across his skin.

He had forgotten this feeling. His all-ready injured body was hating it, but he craved for more. Again and again and again and again .

No matter how many time he did it, it felt…different. Every other time all the stress and anxiety he had would just wash away after a few cuts. But this time it felt off..?

All the other times it felt good. But this time it felt wrong . Like he deserved pain.

This made him upset, the only coping mechanism he had left wasn’t helping. Causing him to cut more and more, deeper and deeper into his skin, just wanting the feeling of control again.

His hand was shaking. His arm couldn’t take anymore pain today.

“Raph! Raphie? Where are you? Leo hasn’t seen you since you carried him in the med-bay, and that way hours ago!!”

It was his youngest brother yelling for him. His brothers couldn’t see him like this, especially Mikey. In a state of panic he grabbed his glove and pulled the it over his arm. It stung like hell and he didn’t even have a chance to clean it.

He got the glove on, and kicked the bag of razors behind a pile of rumble before Mikey had saw.

“Raph? Oh, Raph! there you are! Leo wants to spend some time with you. He hasn’t seen you for hours ,”

“Oh, hi Mikey. Raph was just..- wandering around,”

“Ah, okay Now c’mon, Leo’s waiting for us!”

His youngest brother held out his arm gesturing for Raph to come with him. He took his hand and they walked together back to the med-bay.

~~~

Raph looked uncomfortable and Mikey noticed, but he didn’t want to say anything about it. He just noted it and kept walking.

Mikey had always been good at reading his brothers emotions, and he knew that Raph was acting off. Though he wanted to ask, maybe  Raph was trying not to think about something, if so, that would be completely understandable. If his guess was correct, asking him would definitely not help.

He made a note to himself to make sure his family’s emotional and mental state would be taken as seriously as their physical state.

~~~

In all honesty Raph didn’t want to see or be near his brothers. It’s wasn’t them it was just him being stupid, like always . He knew it was stupid but… he was scared that he might lose control again, and hurt his brothers.

The whole walk to the med-bay he was contemplating running away, but he couldn’t add more stress to the family.

Why was he so selfish? His brother was clinging on to life only a few hours ago, and now he wanted to abandon them . Why was he like this, so dramatic ?