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“Remember,” Charlie said, not for the first time since they’d landed in America, “You’ve got to drive on the wrong side of the road.”
Nick laughed exasperatedly as they waited in the queue at the rental car agency, “I know, Charlie. It’s going to be fine. I pinky promise I will not get us killed in a head-on collision.”
“What about the other kinds of collisions,” Charlie asked, just to get a rise out of Nick.
Nick rolled his eyes affectionately, “You fucking dickhead, fine, I pinky promise I won’t get us killed in any type of collision.”
The two of them linked their pinkies as the queue moved forward at the pace of an extremely slow snail. Charlie wiped at his brow with the back of his hand in a fruitless attempt to dry the sweat that had collected there.
“Don’t they have fucking aircon in America?” Charlie muttered, causing Nick to let out a surprised laugh.
“Darling, I’d be surprised if this place even has WiFi,” Nick whispered back, “Have you seen the decor?”
Charlie’s eyes flitted around the small room, catching on the assortment of taxidermied animal heads mounted on the walls, “Do you think those are real?”
“Almost certainly,” Nick whispered back as the queue progressed a bit further, “How much would I have to pay you to jump up and touch one?”
“Like a million pounds,” Charlie shot back, “That’s probably breaking some kind of obscure American law and I’ll end up trapped in American jail for the rest of my life.”
The bored-looking desk clerk cleared her throat, interrupting Nick’s response. Realizing they were at the front of the queue, Nick and Charlie scrambled up to the desk.
“Hello,” Nick said, a polite smile on his face, “We’ve got a reservation for a rental car.”
“I should hope so, considering you’re at a car rental agency.”
“Right, sorry,” Nick replied, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly as his cheeks heated up, “So, it should be under my name, Nicholas Nelson.”
The woman typed on her computer for what felt like an eternity, “Alright,” she said, “I’ll just need to see your driver’s license and then you’ll have to fill out some paperwork.”
Nick nodded, digging out his wallet, “Here’s my driving license and my international driving permit. I’m not American,” he explained.
“Really,” the woman deadpanned, “I couldn’t tell.”
Nick laughed awkwardly but looked over at Charlie, who was visibly struggling not to snap back at the rude woman.
By the time they’d finished all the required paperwork and gotten the keys to their rental car neither of them was in the best mood as they headed out to the car park. Once they found their rental car, they loaded their bags into the boot, and then Nick walked around to the right side of the car.
He looked at the dashboard for a second and then sighed, “Right. Wrong side.”
Once Nick was settled into the correct seat, the drive was fairly easy, with far fewer travelers on the road in Montana than they were used to back home in London.
“Do you want to stop by the campsite and get settled in first, or would you rather grab what we need from the shops so we don’t have to go back out?” Nick asked, taking his eyes off the road for just a moment to glance at Charlie.
Charlie shrugged, “Maybe the shops first? I’ve got a feeling that our sleep schedule is about to be fucked, so it might be nice not to have to go back out.”
Nick nodded, “Can you find a supermarket and direct me to it?”
Charlie scrolled through his phone for a moment, “It looks like there’s one called… Ros– Rose… I’m not sure how to say it but it’s just off the motorway. I’ll let you know when we get a bit closer.”
—
“What the fuck?” Charlie laughed as his eyes flitted around the supermarket, Rosauers , “This looks like a Stranger Things set.”
Nick let out a laugh, “It does look like they haven’t updated the flooring or decor since the 80s.”
The two of them wandered around the supermarket, with no real plan in mind once they’d thrown a cheap cooler into the trolley, as that was the most important item. Beyond that, they grabbed whatever food they thought might appeal to them during their camping trip, as well as a few things that both horrified and amused them.
“How do you even get cheese into a container like that?” Nick mused, holding up a can labelled Easy Cheese .
“That is not cheese,” Charlie replied, wrinkling his nose, “Jesus Christ.”
Nick let out a laugh and placed it back on the shelf, “I think we’ve got pretty much everything we need unless you want to grab some crisps or something? And we’ll grab a bag of ice on the way out”
“Might as well get some snacks,” Charlie replied, “I’m sure they’ve got like, buffalo wing and pizza-flavoured crisps.”
“Like, combined?” Nick asked, wrinkling his nose as he pushed the trolly down the proper aisle.
“Probably,” Charlie said with a snort, “There’s only one way to find out.”
—
“Hello there,” the extremely cheerful campground receptionist - whose name tag said Katie - said with a grin, “Are you two checking in?”
Nick nodded, “Yeah, our booking should be under the surname Nelson .”
The receptionist’s eyes lit up, “Ooh, what are you? Australian? That’s so cool.”
“Um…” Nick laughed awkwardly and glanced over at Charlie, who was trying and failing to keep an incredulous look off his face, “No, we’re British… my boyfriend and I are just here visiting.”
“Oh, that’s nice! What brings you out to our neck of the woods?” she asked, beaming as she looked between the two of them.
“We’re traveling to visit some friends in California,” Charlie supplied, “But we wanted to do some camping first - somewhere other than Reading and Leeds.”
“Are those like, campgrounds in London?”
“Um… no,” Charlie said with a slight laugh, “They’re music festivals? Pretty famous ones. I mean, they’re towns too, but I was talking about the… music festivals.”
“Oh, like Coachella,” she replied, pulling out a map, “That’s so cool! Your campsite is pretty deep out there, so the only music you’ll hear is the raccoons making babies.”
Nick’s eyes flicked up to meet Katie’s nervously, “Are they dangerous?”
It was Katie’s turn to laugh, “No, they’re much more scared of you than you are of them.”
Charlie scoffed, “Don’t underestimate him. He once jumped into my arms and fucking knocked me over because he saw a spider, smaller than a centimeter, on the other side of the window.”
Katie laughed again, “Hey, that’s a fair response if you ask me. I make my girlfriend kill all the spiders, I can’t handle it,” she circled a location on the map, “So you guys will be staying at site 315, which is pretty secluded, but there are a few shortcuts you can take if you want to get back to civilization a bit quicker. You’ll need to leave your car in one of the designated lots to protect the animal and plant life, so you will need to walk, but it’s really not too far. ”
She drew a few arrows to indicate the paths that they should take and looked back up at the two of them with a smile, “Do you have any questions for me so far?”
The two of them shook their heads so she continued, “Alright, our rules are pretty standard, though they might be new to you if you’ve never camped like this before: small, contained fires are perfectly fine but need to be monitored at all times - a forest fire would be really bad for business. Make sure you pack up all your food when you’re done eating it, keep it in your car or in a bear-safe container unless you want to get real up close and personal with the wildlife, and make sure that if you need to go to the bathroom at night and you don’t feel like walking all the way back to the public restrooms, you do your business into the bushes and not into someone else’s campsite. Makes things really awkward in the morning, I’ll tell you that much. Sound good?”
“Sounds good,” Nick replied with a smile as he grabbed the map, “Thank you so much.”
Once they’d verified that their car was parked in the appropriate car park, they loaded up some of their gear and started down the trail that Katie had indicated, intending to return to the car for the rest of the gear later on.
“She was quite friendly,” Charlie started out, looking over at Nick with a smirk once they’d walked far enough from the office that he was sure Katie wouldn’t overhear.
“I almost fucking lost it when she asked if Reading and Leeds were campsites in London,” Nick said, starting to giggle, “She was very lovely but so American.”
Charlie laughed along, “Do you think you’re going to be able to sleep to the sound of fornicating raccoons?”
Nick shrugged, “As long as they don’t like, try to run up at me and rip my dick off or go for my throat, I figure it’ll be alright.”
Charlie threw back his head and laughed, “What would they rip your dick off for? Why is your dick even out in this scenario?”
Nick spluttered, “Maybe they’ll burst into the tent when we’re having sex. I don’t know. They’ve got those little hands.”
Charlie rolled his eyes, “You’re ridiculous. I think the campsite should be just up there if I’m reading the map right?”
Nick peered over Charlie’s shoulder and then up at the surrounding wilderness, “Yeah, I think so. She really wasn’t kidding about it being way out there.”
Charlie nodded, hitching his bag up higher on his shoulder, “And we still have more shit to get out of the car once we’ve set this stuff up.”
Once they reached the campsite, the two of them stood in stunned silence as they took in the view. Though the ground was flat, prepared for a tent and a small fire pit had been provided, little else had been done in order to make it an appealing campsite, with huge trees obscuring their view of everything else in a way that screamed The Blair Witch Project (1999) .
“Well,” Nick said with a sigh, “It’s certainly very… natural.”
Charlie let out a laugh, “Yeah, no worries about people interrupting tent sex out here.”
“The raccoons, though,” Nick replied.
Charlie rolled his eyes and chose not to comment, “Do you want to start setting up the tent and I’ll go back to the car to grab the rest of our shit?”
“Yeah,” Nick replied, “I can probably get the tent set up while you’re doing that.”
—
Nick could not, in fact, set up the tent.
Nearly in tears, he fought with the stupid fucking flimsy poles that just wouldn’t agree with him, and inched closer to letting out a shriek that had the power to knock the branches off the surrounding trees.
Defeated, pissed off, and a little embarrassed, he plopped down on the ground and crossed his arms as he waited for Charlie to rejoin him. He tried to scroll through Twitter or Instagram to distract himself, but even though he and Charlie had splurged on an international phone plan for the duration of their trip, he didn’t have sufficient data to load either of the apps.
It wasn’t too long before he heard Charlie’s approaching footsteps as he came down the path, so he got up to greet his boyfriend.
“It won’t work,” Nick pouted, “I can’t figure out this stupid fucking piece of shit tent.”
Charlie nodded sympathetically, “I think sometimes they’re meant to be built by two people,” he replied, “I’ve got everything from the car, so we can try and build it together.”
Though it was still quite challenging with two sets of hands, Nick and Charlie were able to get the tent sorted out with minimal swearing and just one small bit of argument. Charlie laid out the sleeping bags and mattress pad inside the tent, while Nick filled up the cooler with ice and perishable foods.
“It’s actually kind of nice in here,” Charlie said, flopping down on top of the bedding once it was all laid out, “Much more room than the other one we had.”
Nick lay down beside him, “I’m just glad that our booking actually went through. Their website was fucking suspicious and part of me thought they were just going to steal my money.”
Charlie laughed, “That would’ve made for an interesting trip, although with the tent and the expanse of wilderness, I think we probably would’ve been fine.”
Nick let out a yawn, cuddling a bit closer to Charlie, “I’m so fucking tired. What do you say we take a nap and then deal with dinner whenever we wake up?”
Charlie reached up and stroked a hand through Nick’s hair, “That sounds perfect.”
Nick craned his neck to capture Charlie’s lips in a kiss, and then settled against his shoulder, closing his eyes.
—
One fairly long nap later, Nick and Charlie woke up, a bit disoriented from the time change and the fact that they’d slept midday.
“Are you hungry?” Nick asked, stroking Charlie’s cheekbone with his thumb.
Charlie leaned into the touch and nodded, “Starving now that you mention it, yeah.”
Nick climbed out of the tent, groaning as he stood to his full height and stretched, “I’m getting old, Char.”
Charlie sat up and laughed at his boyfriend, “Yeah, I can tell. You played Candy Crush for the first hour of the flight and then slept for the rest of it. And you snored, and drooled on me.”
“It’s not my fault it’s a long flight. Plus, I have to stay ahead of my mum in Candy Crush or she’ll never let me hear the end of it.”
Charlie rolled his eyes affectionately, “Alright old man, why don’t you get a fire going? I’ll get everything else ready.”
Nick crouched and began to arrange tinder, kindling, and firewood inside the pit, and then struck a match, which he held in the depths of the arranged wood until it caught fire.
"Not bad," Charlie mused, looking over his shoulder, "Though I would've been more impressed if you'd done it without a match."
Nick let out a laugh, "This isn't one of those nature survival shows, I don't fucking know how to do that."
"Maybe you should learn," Charlie replied, "It's probably a good skill to have."
"I'll get right on that," Nick joked, standing to his full height, "What did you want to do for dinner tonight? The hot dogs?"
Charlie nodded, "I'll get all of that prepared if you get me a beer."
"Done," Nick replied easily, digging through the cooler to grab a beer for himself and one for Charlie. He cracked both of them open and then passed one over to his boyfriend.
"This forest is a little creepy, but I also kind of like that I can pretend that there's nobody around."
Charlie hummed in agreement, as he ripped open the package of hot dogs and skewered two of them on sticks intended for cooking, "Like, there's probably nobody to bother us, but also if someone does try to murder us, we have less of a chance of getting rescued."
Nick took a swig of his beer, "Precisely."
The two of them sat beside the fire and chatted quietly as they roasted hot dogs and sipped their beers.
“We should cook more things by just sticking them straight into the fire,” Nick commented, gesturing with his hotdog-on-a-stick, “It’s quite fun.”
With a laugh, Charlie passed his stick over to Nick and got to his feet, “I do think that would be against the rules of our tenancy agreement, but I suppose we could go camping more often if you really wanted to.”
Charlie grabbed buns and paper plates, and then carefully removed the cooked hotdogs from the sticks, “What do you want on yours? Ketchup and mustard?”
Nick nodded, crushing his empty can of beer and getting to his feet, “Do you want another beer?”
“Sure, thanks,” Charlie replied, not looking up as he carefully applied the condiments to each hotdog.
By the time the two of them were a few more beers and hot dogs deep, the sky had grown dark, leaving their dwindling fire as the sole light source.
“We have to lock everything up in the cooler,” Nick slurred, “So the bears don’t get us. Or the raccoons.”
Charlie nodded solemnly, joking along, “We wouldn’t want to give those raccoons any reason to come in here and rip off your dick.”
Once everything was packed up securely, the two of them climbed into the tent. With the combination of their extremely long day and the alcohol they’d consumed, sleep was quick to overtake them, despite their earlier nap.
—
With the amount of alcohol he’d consumed, Nick wasn’t surprised when his bladder woke him up. Careful not to wake Charlie, Nick slipped from under his arm and crawled out of the tent. Using his phone as a flashlight, he made his way deeper into the trees so that he could empty his bladder.
Not wanting to be trapped in total darkness, he fumbled around for a moment, searching for a place to balance his phone. He settled for resting it against a tree trunk, tilted up slightly to illuminate the tangle of branches and bushes that surrounded him.
It wasn’t until he’d actually started to empty his bladder that he realized he could see about six pairs of glowing green eyes staring at him from the nearby trees.
“What the fuck,” he hissed, his eyes darting between the creatures that surrounded him, “Go away, Jesus Christ.”
The surrounding creatures did not listen, with absolutely zero respect for the fact that the man was standing there, dick out and nearly scared out of his mind.
Nick let out a blood-curdling shriek as a raccoon darted forward, “What the fuck!”
He managed to finish up and tuck himself back into his pants as the rest of the raccoons darted forward, surrounding him.
“Nick?” Charlie called out, an edge of desperation in his voice, “Are you okay, baby?”
“I came out for a piss and the raccoons attacked me,” Nick yelled back, frantically eyeing the six creatures that had circled him in.
“Oh my god,” Charlie said, laughing quietly once he was finally able to see Nick, “Did they rip your dick off?”
Nick glared at him, “No, but I was literally in the middle of pissing when that one ,” he said, pointing at the specific raccoon for emphasis, “Ran out at me, and then all his evil little friends followed.”
Charlie laughed harder, “I think they just want food, babe. I’m sure people feed them all the time and so they just expect humans to have treats for them.”
“They’re literally holding me hostage,” Nick exclaimed, gesturing to the circle of raccoons.
Charlie took a few steps forward, holding out his hand for Nick to take, “They’re not going to attack you, look how cute they are. I think they’ll move if you do.”
“If they bite me, you’re taking me to A&E and then you’re sucking me off every day for the rest of my life,” Nick replied, taking a tentative step forward.
“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” Charlie replied with a grin, “Come on, baby.”
Nick accepted Charlie’s outstretched hand and then took a deep breath, forcing his way through the gathered raccoons. As Charlie had expected, the raccoons let Nick through easily, making no move to intercept his path.
“Let’s get you back to bed,” Charlie said, rubbing a hand over Nick’s back, “I’ll protect you.”
The two of them made their way back to the tent, cuddling up in their sleeping bags once more. Charlie stroked a hand through Nick’s hair, pulling him closer.
“They were kind of cute,” Nick mumbled, his eyes slipping closed.
“We’ll take one home with us when we leave,” Charlie replied, “I think the cat could use a friend.”
With the way Nick’s breathing had evened out, Charlie was unsurprised not to receive a response from his boyfriend. With a soft smile, Charlie snuggled a bit closer to his boyfriend and allowed sleep to overtake him once more.
—
Charlie awoke to the smell of bacon and eggs wafting through the tent’s open zipper, and the sound of Nick singing along to, predictably, Harry Styles’ third album. Charlie quickly dressed and climbed out of the tent, stretching as he stood to his full height to alleviate the soreness in his muscles.
“Good morning, baby,” he said, conscious of the tiredness in his voice.
“Breakfast is almost ready,” Nick said with a smile, “How did you sleep, love?”
“Pretty good,” Charlie said through a yawn, “I mean, some dickhead was snoring and drooling on me, but aside from that…”
“Fuck off,” Nick replied with a laugh, passing a cup of coffee over to his boyfriend, “Drink your coffee.”
Charlie did as he was told, an affectionate look on his face, “What do you want to do today?”
Nick flipped the fried eggs he was cooking, “I was thinking maybe that hike we talked about? It’s not supposed to get too hot today, so it might be a good day to do it.”
“Sounds good to me,” Charlie replied, pulling out his phone to look at a map while Nick plated up their breakfast.
“I think we can bring a lunch to eat out there, and then come back here for dinner,” Nick said, biting into a piece of bacon.
—
Charlie could admit that, after a few hours of hiking in the sun, he was a little bit delirious, so when he first spotted what he could only describe as some kind of horrifying mutant deer of mythic proportions, he assumed it was a trick of the light, or maybe a combination of heat exhaustion and dehydration.
When it got to its feet, however, and stood to a height that was surely taller than Nick, Charlie let out a shriek and scrambled to climb his boyfriend to safety, nearly knocking over the taller man in the process.
With Charlie clutched in his arms like something out of a Scooby Doo movie, Nick let out a shocked laugh, “What are you doing?”
“Look at that fucking thing,” Charlie replied, his whole body tense with fear.
“Oh my god,” Nick breathed, “A moose! That’s so fucking cool.”
Still holding Charlie with one arm, Nick reached into his back pocket to grab his phone and take a picture of the creature, who had dipped down to drink from a stream.
“Christ I didn’t realize they were really that big,” Charlie said, having calmed down a bit, “It’s literally the size of a large car.”
Nick set Charlie back on his feet, “You know, for someone who made fun of my raccoon fears… you certainly got quite the scare there.”
“Shut up,” Charlie said, laughing, “Raccoons are literally the size of a cat. This is totally different.”
“Yeah, whatever you say,” Nick replied, rolling his eyes affectionately. After a beat, he took off running, “I’ll race you to the lake.”
“Not fair!” Charlie called out, running after his boyfriend.
—
Even though he knew the water would be cold, Nick stripped down to his boxer briefs on the shore of the lake as he waited for Charlie to catch up.
Charlie stopped short, his laugh caught in his throat as he emerged from the trees. His eyes roved up and down Nick’s body, “For free?”
Nick threw back his head and laughed, “Well I’m not going to swim in my clothes! Hurry up.”
Laughing along, Charlie stripped down to his pants and accepted Nick’s outstretched hand. With a deep breath, the two of them ran out into the water - its frigid temperature a nice contrast to the radiating sun.
Predictably, the two of them took turns splashing each other, shrieking and laughing as if there was no chance a random hiker could come across them and break the peaceful bubble of solitude that the two of them had manufactured.
Once they’d tired themselves out with swimming and wrestling, they climbed out of the water, just to flop down on the grass and bask in the sun.
“We should probably reapply suncream before we fall asleep,” Charlie said, sitting up, “You especially.”
Nick groaned but sat up, “Will you put it on my back?”
Charlie dug through their bag and pulled out the bottle, “Obviously.”
Charlie sat behind Nick, pouring a generous amount of suncream into his hands. Not bothering to warm it up, he worked it into the skin of his boyfriend’s back. Nick leaned into the feeling as Charlie’s fingers soothed over sore muscles. Once Nick’s back was sufficiently coated, Charlie sat in front of him, “My turn.”
Nick gave Charlie the same treatment, dutifully ensuring that his boyfriend was fully protected from sun exposure, as well as taking the opportunity to shower him with gentle, affectionate touch.
After the two of them were completely coated with suncream, they curled up together in the sun.
Nick brushed an affectionate hand through the still-damp curls that stuck to Charlie’s forehead, a teasing smile on his face, “Do you think the moose is going to come after us in our sleep?”
“Don’t even start with me Mr. The Raccoons Yearn For My Dick.”
Nick let out a loud, startled laugh, “I didn’t say they yearned for it, I just said that they might rip it off in a fit of rabies-induced rage.”
“Yeah, whatever you say Raccoon Boy,” Charlie replied, letting his eyes slip closed, “Go to sleep.”
With an affectionate roll of his eyes, Nick snuggled a bit closer to his boyfriend and attempted to do just that.