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She doesn't know how to tell him.
Everyone she's told throughout her life has told her in turn that she was wrong about how she felt. She'd change her mind.
First was her father, who told her when she was being belligerent that he would take joy in seeing her future children act as contentious towards her as she was to him. She'd snap that she wasn't going to have children, and he'd chuckle “You'll feel differently in a few years,” with a smugness that only infuriated her further.
Next was her first lover, the apprentice and adopted son of a tanner. The tanner's biological children had been driven away long ago by their parent's narcissism and impossible expectations, yet the foster-child stayed, for fear of losing the only family he'd ever known. When his foster-father died and left him the tannery business, his ailing mother began to push marriage on the young man; and the woman he truly loved was out of the question for having ears the wrong shape. The kind, funny, sweet mop-haired young man she was in love with was soon married to the sour-faced fishmonger's daughter; a haughty woman who'd always made a point of her distaste for elves,
Ellana had foolishly thought (like many unfortunate elven women before her) their relationship could continue in spite of this; but once her tanner’s wife fell pregnant he began to unintentionally fade her out. She watched the light in his eyes dull, and the humour seemed to drain from him. When the child was born, it was as if he was one of the walking dead; deprived of sleep, unable to communicate. He'd told her he'd never felt real love until he saw that babe's face, and she wouldn't understand until she'd had a child of her own. His words stung her, their 4 years together invalidated with a single off-the-cuff remark. She ended her time with him there, choosing herself and her own happiness, and swore never to get involved with a shem again.
The creators did have a funny way of showing their favour. Within the month she'd missed her monthly cycle and discovered she was pregnant from one of the last dalliances of her failed relationship, though she'd thought she’d been so careful. Her clan's healer refused to divulge how to stop it, proclaiming all life to be a miracle, (though she'd surely be exiled from her clan when a child with round ears popped out of her). The healer crooned that Ellana would feel different when the child was born. She considered this claim with the utmost cynicism, her own mother having saddled her father with her care as a toddler and taking off to the alienages, preferring to be a slave for coin than a slave for her child.
The hours were better and there were more benefits.
Ellana had had to break into a library in a town nearby in the early hours of the morning, plagued by sickness, to steal a book on women's medicine to find her own solution. She regretted her actions, doubly so because she'd vomited on a very nice rug on her way out; and burned her arm on the candle she used to guide her.
She gorged herself on the bitter sap of witherstalk that day, very nearly killing herself to put an end to the impostor growing inside her. When she awoke from her stupor three days later, bleeding profusely from her womb she'd felt an intense relief that was bordering euphoric. It was the greatest she had ever felt, free and unburdened; though it could have just been the blood-loss and side-effects of the poison.
The healer treated her sickness, suspicious of her miscarriage's circumstances. The woman had since then been especially cold and rough with her in subsequent examinations and consultations.
The women of her clan loved to complain whenever Ellana declined to partake in childcare of the younger elves; calling her selfish as she disappeared into the forest to hunt. “It takes a village!” they would say, but Ellana would call back that someone needed to feed the village, so she'd do that job instead.
The eligible men of her clan were quickly snapped up by brood-minded girls, (not that any were particularly interesting to Ellana, being that she had grown up with them all like siblings) and by the time she was 28 she was the only single person her age left in her clan, except for the slightly slow boy who looked after the halla. When the Keeper announced their plans to spy on the Conclave, Ellana was volunteered not only for her skill in the hunt, but because her life was the least high-stake.
She was pleasantly surprised when the whole debacle became the greatest adventure of her life- the explosion at the Conclave, receiving the anchor, closing the breach. Fighting dragons, demons, abominations. She'd never felt more alive, more full of purpose It surprised her even more to find that she'd gone back on a promise to herself, falling in love with a human once more.
But he was different to the twig thin boy, who'd had a pretty smile and made her silly trinkets and said her tattoos were pretty, a shallow love. This was a man, with a mission, something to achieve. A man who had overcome trials and continued to face his problems. A man who too, had a pretty smile but also he had integrity, and respected her as she deserved. They worked together so well, and frankly the couple were far too busy trying to save people that already existed than try and make more of them (though it wasn't for lack of practise. Thankfully Ellana had figured out her dosages and turned her fresh witherstalk brew into a preventative measure.)
But it was all over now. Corypheus defeated. Order restored, for the most part, though dangers lurked on the horizon their jobs were now done. The Inquisition disbanded, and her companions dispersed themselves across Thedas. Except Cullen, who’d remained at her side, loyalty unwavering.
They'd even gotten married, something Ellana had never imagined herself doing. But when his soft voice uttered that proposal at Halamshiral, and she'd seen the love in his honeyed eyes, she forgot herself. It wasn't as if she was averse to the idea to begin with; just never knew that she was capable of being loved so much. She was convinced she was destined to a life of a second-class citizen, and he’d come along and treated her like an equal without a second thought. He’d changed her mind again.
But her aversion to motherhood, that was something that was never going to go away. Even he couldn’t budge that stance. It was as ingrained in her as her sense of justice, her preference for apples over oranges and her distaste for wearing shoes in the forest.
They'd been staying with his family in South Reach for the past few days. While his oldest sister Mia remained unmarried, his younger brother Branson had a son, and his youngest sister was pregnant and 'glowing.' Ellana found Rosalie's preoccupation with her own procreation pretentious, for lack of a better word. Rosalie had so much to say for the miracle growing inside her, and how Ellana was missing out on so much, and she should get pregnant right away so the cousins could grow up together. For Cullen's sake, she held her tongue, opting instead to smile and nod. He'd been his nephew's climbing frame and confidant for the time they'd been staying, and he didn't appear to hate it so much.
It hurt Ellana’s heart. She knew how it would go. Soon he’d expect her to go through that swollen hell, her body held hostage to this parasite; it would pop out months later and instantly he’d have something in the world that would take her place as number one in his heart. In that way, she guessed she was a little selfish.
Still, he looked exhausted when they collapsed into bed one night after a day of exploring the nearby woods with his brother and young Liam. Apparently they'd almost shot a deer for dinner, but the child had scared it off by claiming he could tackle it. The deer had turned tail and fled the moment the boy stood up from their hiding spot. The meal that night had been a rather tough and unsatisfying stew made with mutton that surely must have been old enough to pay taxes, it was so dry and chewy.
“By the Maker, I've gone to bed after battles and felt spryer than this. I must be getting old.” he said, lying back on the bed and rubbing his face with his palms.
Ellana remained silent. Rosalie had asked her over dinner if she and Cullen had discussed about trying to have a baby yet. Ellana had deflected, not giving and answer one way or the other, making a joke that it was strange how Rosalie was so invested in her brother's bedroom activities. It was a clumsy joke and fell flat, and she was sure Cullen had overheard. She was afraid to look him in the eye. She undressed to her smallclothes, turned away from him and slipped beneath the covers without a word.
“Ellana, is something on your mind?”
She didn't move, her back still to him.
“Is everything alright? Is something giving you trouble?”
“It’s... nothing.”
Cullen was silent, trying to find the right words to say to get her to open up. The pause was all she needed to find her courage.
“Cullen... I don't want to have children. Not with you. Not with anyone. Not ever.” Ellana said. The floodgates opened.
“I just find it all so... insufferable. The servitude. The noise. The mess. The demanding. The selfishness. We are in a world on the precipice of being destroyed, and to force another life onto a world that could die at a moment's notice is so unconscionably unforgivable I can't even begin to entertain the positives that having a child could have. I am utterly convinced that I can get more profound love from our dog than I ever could a child of my own flesh and blood. My word, and the way they laugh! It's piercing! It gets right in my ears and just rips at my nerves! It's the most irritating sound in the world and I've spent days in the company of Orlesians talking politics! I would rather live at Halamshiral and clean the privies for a living than ever have a baby. That is how much I am opposed to the notion. That's it. That's the trouble. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but that's how I feel on the matter. I should have brought it up earlier. If you have to leave me, then so be it. I cannot do it. I'm sorry.”
Stunned silence. Ellana froze into a ball, clutching her fist over her chest. Her muscles were so tensed she could swear she still felt her fingernails digging into her left hand, though she had been without it for nearly 3 months now. She fought back the sobs that desperately clawed at her lungs, pleading to be let out.
“I know.” Cullen said, nonchalantly, rolling over to put an arm around her. He kissed the back of her neck and nuzzled his face into her shoulder. She felt the jagged tissue of the scar on his lip brush her skin as his smile widened.
Ellana immediately relaxed. “You know? I've never told anyone in the Inquisition, how could you possibly know?”
“Way back in Haven, a little after we first met, I was watching you in the Chantry one day-”
“You were watching me?”
“I wasn't being untoward, you just... caught my eye, is all. I was working in the war-room, writing reports, the door was open, you were outside-it's not important. Anyway, one of the refugees, a noblewoman from an estate outside Redcliffe had come to visit Mother Giselle. She had her baby with her.
You were already talking to the Revered Mother, but this woman forced her way in, handing the baby off to you. She'd obviously assumed you were some elven servant.
I'll never forget the look on your face as this woman pulled Mother Giselle away. You had the baby at arm’s length, with this incredulous scowl, you looked like someone had just given you a bag of druffalo dung.
Then you bent down, placed the baby on the ground, and to your credit you did do it very gently, and you just... walked right out of the Chantry.” a chuckle escaped his throat, smooth and deep, “The woman was beside herself when she came back to see the child just kicking into midair like an upturned beetle. She tried to tell me that I should have you fired for such terrible service, and when I couldn't contain my laughter she threatened to have me fired too.
Asked if there was someone else in charge who was higher up the chain of command. That made me laugh harder, because, well, it was you.” He laughed again, the sound vibrating against her shoulder, “You know, I think that must've been the moment that I started to fall in love with you.” He said, a droll tint in his tone.
Ellana began to relax, “I do remember that. Oh, my word. I just put that kid down and thought nothing of it. I am a beast.” She let out a single laugh, turned around in Cullen's arms to look at his face, brushing her hand over his jawline, feeling the sharp stubble on his chin.
“That baby just lay there on the floor, squirming for fifteen minutes while her mother was off in her own little world.” He said.
“Wait, you didn't go over and pick it up?”
“Maker, no. I was a very busy man, lots of reports to read, ten times that to write. Honestly, my dear...I'm no good with children. It's half of the reason I was always running off alone to the lake when I was a child. My siblings were always so... loud. They still are, to a degree.”
“You seem to get on with Liam so well...”
“He's killing me. I have never been so tired and bruised in all my life as I have since I've been here and I've been at the centre of a good number of mage uprisings. The little blighter put a foot between my ribs today, I swear it. But one has to put on a show for family.”
Ellana breathed in deep and let out a long, loud sigh.
“Gods, I don't think I ever been this relieved in my life.” She kissed him square on the lips, which he happily returned, then nuzzled her face into his neck, closing her eyes.
She felt at peace at last. She relaxed in his arms, felt him pressed tight against her, his muscles strong but his skin so soft. She traced her hand over his stomach, her fingertips finding the creases of his hips.
She snapped her eyes back open.
“How tired are you, exactly?” she asked her husband, with a flirtatious grin.
“Now that’s the kind of behavior that will get you into trouble.” He whispered, closing his arms around her tightly, kissing the tip of her ear.
“Never you mind, I have it all under control.”