Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Junior Agent Purgatory (Direct Messaging)

!feliz natividad!: yo losers i got something 

#1_partyanthem: if it's not cool idc

!feliz natividad!: oh its cool alright

Razputin Aquato has joined "Junior Agent Purgatory"

!feliz natividad!: behold

Razputin Aquato: That is a terrifying welcome message, but hello!

Razputin Aquato: I've never had a phone before. This is so exciting!

DAD: Welcome to the group chat, Raz! Just be careful about having your phone out in class & stuff, Hollis does NOT like that.

Razputin Aquato: Adam???

DAD: Yeah.

Razputin Aquato: Did you choose your name?

DAD: Nah, Lizzie did. She made the group chat and she has all the admin powers.

!feliz natividad!: which means i can do this

!feliz natividad! has changed Razputin Aquato's display name to pooter

pooter: I don't like this anymore

tonyhawk: you get used to it 

tonyhawk: at least you're not norma

#1_partyanthem: i got named after a song so i'm cool with mine

DAD: (They're Gisu and Morris)

#1_partyanthem: oh yeah but norma got shanked the literal second lizzie got back to her phone after the whole thing at green needle gulch. it was hilarious

pooter: What was her name before?

!feliz natividad!: it was nosh*t_sherlock for YEARS because she wouldnt shut up about mystery novels

snitches_get_stitches: Fuck you, Lizzie

snitches_get_stitches: Hello, Raz. I see that the nickname tyrant has claimed her next victim

pooter: Hi Norma

pancake tyrant: hey don't give lizzie my domain

pancake tyrant: i am the only tyrant allowed in this group chat

pooter: Hi Sam! I have a phone now!

pancake tyrant: hell yeah

!feliz natividad!: norms you literally cannot look me in the eyes and tell me you don't deserve it

snitches_get_stitches: Can we please not do this right now

!feliz natividad!: HEY

!feliz natividad!: we ALL fucked up pretty bad with A) hazing raz and B) messing with hollis but sister if you dont start OWNING UP to some of this shit like the rest of us imma kick your ass

!feliz natividad!: PUBLICLY

pooter: Is it always like this in here?

DAD: Chaotic? Yeah unfortunately. Whenever I get the chance I'll show you how to temporarily mute notifications.

tonyhawk: eh i bet he'll figure it out on his own

tonyhawk: teenagers are the masters of new technology after all

#1_partyanthem: and lets not forget that he picked up like 15 psychic powers in a week

pooter: I'm not a teenager?

!feliz natividad!: wdym

pooter: ?

!feliz natividad!: what do you mean

pooter: I'm 10

snitches_get_stitches: you're what

DAD: uh oh

Several people are typing…

tonyhawk: UHHH

#1_partyanthem: say sike right now

pancake tyrant: oh cool like dogen

!feliz natividad!: raz i stg i thought you were just a really short 14 year old

!feliz natividad!: like morris

pancake tyrant: oh wait

#1_partyanthem: HEY

pancake tyrant: oh no

snitches_get_stitches: You're WHAT

DAD: Raz, you do realize that the intern program usually starts admitting high school kids, right?

pooter: No?

pooter: I've actually never been to school!

pooter: My parents homeschooled all of us to varying success haha

pooter: Are you guys ok?

#1_partyanthem: ARE WE OK?

tonyhawk: norma's gonna break her phone in half if she keeps squeezing it like that

DAD: We are decidedly not okay right now. Give us a minute to process some stuff?

pooter: Yeah ok

pooter: I'm just not sure what's going on right now

pancake tyrant: its all good we're just having a collective panic attack over how we all basically bullied someone the same age as my little brother

pancake tyrant: im doing especially fine why do you ask

!feliz natividad!: i thought you were just a really short high schooler

snitches_get_stitches: YOU'RE ONLY TEN???

tonyhawk: there she goes

pancake tyrant: im not letting you jerks anywhere near dogen ever

snitches_get_stitches: YOU'RE ONLY TEN AND YOU STOPPED MALIGULA

pooter: Oh

snitches_get_stitches: WHAT THE FUCK

DAD: LANGUAGE

pooter: Ok, I think we need to talk about this in person. Where are you guys?

#1_partyanthem: screw that, everyone just get to the KLOB treehouse asap

DAD: On my way

pooter: What does asap mean?

!feliz natividad!: wh

!feliz natividad!: oh right

!feliz natividad: first phone

tonyhawk: after we have this emotional talk we're going to teach you memes and texting lingo

#1_partyanthem: ^^^^

pancake tyrant: it means as soon as possible 

pooter: Thank you Sam for the actually helpful reply. I'm almost at the tree house.

#1_partyanthem: don't text and levitate, it's dangerous

Pooter: Yes mom

Chapter Text

Junior Agent Purgatory (Direct Messaging)

tonyhawk: aight pooter class is in session

pooter: We just got out of class. I have to do my homework.

#1_partyanthem: hollis's class is less important than this

#1_partyanthem: we're teaching you texting lingo

!feliz natividad!: there won't be homework!!

pooter: Ok fine you sold me

pooter: Where do we start?

!feliz natividad!: abbreviations!

!feliz natividad!: like such

!feliz natividad!: brb, asap, gtg, wtf, idc/idk

DAD: Lizzie don't teach him the ones with swear words

DAD: oh well

pancake tyrant: like that was gonna stop her

pooter: I'm pretty sure you don't have any new swear words to teach me. Dion swears a lot.

tonyhawk: facts

!feliz natividad!: which, repsectively, stand for be right back, as soon as possible, got to go, what the fuck, i dont care, and i dont know

#1_partyanthem: I always forget you don't just have younger siblings

!feliz natividad!: wtf is sometimes but not frequently swapped out with wth (what the hell)

pooter: What about lol?

!feliz natividad!: technically it stands for laugh out loud but you're cringe if you actually mean that when you type it

!feliz natividad!: while we're on the topic, lmao/lmfao stands for laughing my ass off/laughing my fucking ass off

snitches_get_stitches: this is a slow motion train wreck

!feliz natividad!: lol, lmao, and the rarer lmfao are variations of the same thing, just with increasing intensity

tonyhawk: which is either adding a lighthearted or funny tone to YOUR OWN message or reacting positively to someone else's

!feliz natividad!: thank you gisu that was better than what i was gonna say

pooter: I think I get it

pooter: But what did you mean by 'cringe'?

#1_partyanthem: it means you're a loser

#1_partyanthem: the opposite is being Based

tonyhawk: being cringe is the biggest crime on the internet. avoid at all costs

pooter: Ok

DAD: Don't worry too much about it

DAD: It's weird people on the internet being judgemental

!feliz natividad!: but raz i genuinely think that you could never be cringe in any way other than using texting lingo wrong

DAD: And you probably won't come across them, like, ever

!feliz natividad!: you're just too adorable

pooter: Aw, you guys

pancake tyrant: besides, no one can be more cringe than norma

#1_partyanthem: LOL I KNEW IT WAS COMING

snitches_get_stitches: Sam I WILL set your hair on fire

tonyhawk: final lesson of the day: don't say texting lingo out loud. ever. it's weird

pooter: That would be cringe

tonyhawk: indeed

pooter: Duly noted

!feliz natividad!: does anyone else have anything else to say on this subject? any questions?

#1_partyanthem: nah

tonyhawk: nope

pooter: Nope!

!feliz natividad!: siiiiick

!feliz natividad!: class is dismissed! no homework! next time: emojis and emoticons!

Chapter Text

Junior Agent Purgatory (Direct Messaging)

pooter: Guys, I have an important question

#1_partyanthem: whats up little man?

pooter: Can we add Lili to the group chat?

DAD: Any particular reason?

pooter: Uh

pooter: No not really

pooter: It's just that she's the only other kid in the Motherlobe and it feels weird that she's not here?

#1_partyanthem: i think we can hold a vote

#1_partyanthem: yo @everyone get in here

pancake tyrant: how many times have i told you to not interrupt my baking process

#1_partyanthem: not enough obviously lol

pancake tyrant: i'm gonna have all the birds in the questionable area poop on your tree house

snitches_get_stitches: What's all this about a vote?

#1_partyanthem: NONONONONONO SAM PLEASE MERCY

snitches_get_stitches: ...Huh

!feliz natividad!: lmao morris if you can't handle sam there's no way you can handle lili

!feliz natividad!: gisu is here in the room with me. everyone spam her dms until she picks up her phone

pooter: Can't you just tell us what her vote is?

!feliz natividad!: nah, we gotta have her vote on record

!feliz natividad!: same place as the rest of us

pooter: I guess that makes sense

tonyhawk: FINE

tonyhawk: IM HERE NOW

tonyhawk: JESUS

tonyhawk: I WAS WORKING BUT DAMN YOU GUYS ARE ANNOYING

!feliz natividad!: good team effort guys, that was way less time than i expected!

DAD: Ok, ok, let's vote quick before Gisu AND Sam come after us.

pooter: Sorry Gisu

tonyhawk: you're cool, raz

tonyhawk: and adam, cuz neither of you were spamming me

tonyhawk: what are we voting on?

snitches_get_stitches: Adding Lili.

pancake tyrant: to purgatory?

pooter: It sounds really bad when you say it like that, you know

pooter: But yes.

pancake tyrant: fine by me

tonyhawk: and me

DAD: I'm also ok with it, provided there's no homocide.

#1_partyanthem: dude, this gc is already full of homocide

DAD: No more than usual.

!feliz natividad!: i'm always down for more chaos >:)

#1_partyanthem: same

snitches_get_stitches: It's unanimous otherwise so my vote wouldn't matter at this point, but yes. As long as you convince her not to kill any of us, I'm fine with adding Lili.

!feliz natividad!: ok, lemme add her rq

#1_partyanthem: guys. did lili ever find out about the hazing

pooter: Uh. Yeah. She did.

pooter: But we have talked about it and I told her that all of you guys got together so we could talk about it and she's promised not to set anyone on fire because of it!

#1_partyanthem: oh thank god

Lili Zanotto has joined "Junior Agent Purgatory"

!feliz natividad!: voila

Lili Zanotto: I was wondering what you guys had named this thing

tonyhawk: up until a week ago it was 'intern purgatory'

tonyhawk: which felt more like purgatory ngl

snitches_get_stitches: I beg to differ

Lili Zanotto: Then beg

!feliz natividad! has changed Lili Zanotto's display name to piranha plant

#1_partyanthem: oop

pancake tyrant: honestly that kinda fits

piranha plant: Honestly I kinda like it

piranha plant: Not as good as the codename Raz made for me, but not bad

DAD: Raz made you a codename? When?

piranha plant: When we were in gristol's mind

!feliz natividad!: what was this amazing mission codename that trumps my attempt at a chat username?

piranha plant: Yeah Raz, what was it?

pooter: potato masher

!feliz natividad!: omfg

pancake tyrant: i love that

pooter: Hi Lili!

pooter: Lizzie's in charge of all of the nicknames in here

pooter: She stole mine from Frazie

piranha plant: "Everybody calls me Raz" my ass

pooter: MOST people call me Raz

pooter: And I was trying to make an impression

piranha plant: Well it worked pretty well from where I was sitting

piranha plant: ...everyone got really quiet

pooter: Uh

snitches_get_stitches: No no, please continue, this is just really fascinating.

#1_partyanthem: what the hell happened at whispering rock yall?

#1_partyanthem: did they both go offline?

DAD: Yeah

snitches_get_stitches: Huh

!feliz natividad!: norma if you have tea you're legally obligated as my sister to share it with me

snitches_get_stitches: If Lili cooks me alive for this you're paying for my funeral and I'm leaving you out of the will, but

snitches_get_stitches: When I accidentally-on-purpose brought the mole to the heptadome and Lili followed me, I made a tasteless comment about Maligula being Raz's girlfriend and Lili immediately corrected me, claiming herself as Raz's girlfriend. 

snitches_get_stitches: It just looks like she was serious. Probably started at Whispering Rock.

tonyhawk: damn

#1_partyanthem: whoa dude

#1_partyanthem: can i have your ipod after you die

snitches_get_stitches: Sure

pancake tyrant: eggbeater and potato masher O_O

pancake tyrant: five bucks says lili's already kissed him

!feliz natividad!: hell naw i aint betting against that

snitches_get_stitches: The look on his face when Lili proclaimed herself as the girlfriend said that Raz still isn't entirely sure if it's real yet.

>Replying to pancake tyrant: five bucks says lili's already kissed him
piranha plant: Correct! Gimme five bucks.

!feliz natividad!: WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE

tonyhawk: OH SHIT

piranha plant: Right around the time Morris asked to have Norma's iPod

>Replying to piranha plant: Correct! Gimme five bucks.
pancake tyrant: i actually don't have five bucks. but i can give you a pancake

snitches_get_stitches: Your dad doesn't know, does he?

piranha plant: No and if any of you tell him I really will turn you into barbeque

snitches_get_stitches: As expected

pooter: Tell Truman what?

tonyhawk: don't scroll up

tonyhawk: please

pooter: Ohhhhhhhhh ok

pooter: Okay

pooter: I see

pooter: Uh...

#1_partyanthem: he scrolled up

DAD: Sometimes I feel like the only sane person in here.

piranha plant: I know the feeling