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r/relationship_advice · Posted by u/throwaway616B 85d.

I'm afraid my(M39) boss(M32) is a vampire but he keeps denying it. How should I go about proving he's a blood-sucking beast?

Written on a throwaway account because I know my boss’ assistant frequents this subreddit (hi, Lyla, please don’t show this to him) and I really really really really really do not want this getting out.

First time posting on Reddit, so hi guys! I need advice on how to handle this because contrary to popular belief around my workplace, I am not crazy and I would sell my left kidney to finally get my boss (we'll call him Mike for privacy's sake) to admit he is a vampire (or a ghoul, or a fiend, or an evil spirit, any of those four will do) so that everyone at HQ will stop calling me such.

A little bit about my situation for context: I work in a highly secretive, highly restricted building I can’t really talk much about, but all you need to know is I see Mike every day, we spend lunches together, and if I could, I’d be inviting him around for dinner with my wife(F38, let’s call her Michelle) every Thursday. Basically, we’re best buddies. Close as two peas in a pod.

More about my boss, he’s the one who scouted me out for the job personally, so, even if he does turn out to be a vampire, you can’t really hate the guy, y’know? He’s pretty charming (is that a vampiric trait?), hoists himself up to be a proud, hell, like 7 foot tall, and is built like a damn Greek God. Very obviously, I think he’s a vampire. Here’s why:

• He has fangs. Now, truth be told, a lotta people in my life have fangs. I'm starting to think it’s a new trend or something, but his are unlike any other. They’re the sharpest out of the bunch, and are probably strong enough to actually draw blood. Don’t blame a guy for imagining what his boss’ fangs could do to him, OK? That, in itself, isn’t that big of a deal. You might be thinking, hey, maybe the guy just got unlucky with the dental world, and I’d agree with you to a point.

  If I hadn’t seen him bite people.

  People plural. I’m 70% sure it’s not a kink thing or anything, because we work under highly stressful, highly dangerous circumstances and biting might just be how he cools down. I’m not gonna be one to judge. Especially if he’s going around biting people we’re actively working against. (Before you ask, I don’t think he’s a furry, or anything. The one time I tried to ask, I almost got fired. Luckily, I have that super irresistible charm everyone loves, so I kept my job another day.)

• He’s got red eyes. Again, lotta people I work with got unusually coloured eyes, but red feels downright mocking. It’s not even a brownish-red, it’s full-on no questions asked blood red. Imagine you’re watching a cartoon and one of the cartoon vampires sucks all the red out of an apple and it goes straight to their eyes. That kind of red.

  Not to mention they are scary. Look, I’m lucky enough to say Mike can’t really intimidate me anymore, I’ve had enough staring contests with him to know a glare can’t do anything on it’s own, but I see the faces of the new recruits when Mike tells them to look at him properly, and I start to wonder whether or not I should invest in some adult diapers to hand out. (Though investing has never really worked for me in the past.)

• He has claws, or, well, he calls them talons, but let’s be honest, they’re definitely claws. I’m not sure if this is a vampire feature? It seems more like something a werewolf would have, but maybe he’s a hybrid between the two.

  DELETE THIS BEFORE YOU POST PETER: Look into whether or not werewolf-vampire hybrids exist.

• Like I mentioned earlier in my post, Mike is an astounding almost seven foot tall. This one is a little unusual. Most of the people I work with are about 5’10, so Mike easily looms over them. (Except for this one kid, name’s not important, good kid, really, very passionate in what he does, who’s around 6’6, so only a few inches shorter than Mike.)

  I’ve never really read any stories about vampires being supernaturally tall, but I took a quick look through my good friend google images and all the historical depictions I’m seeing show them as super tall, always looming over people, so I’m taking that as a win. Suck it, NBA players! (Unless ‘it’ is blood.)

  It’s not just that he’s tall, trust me. Mike looms. He’s always looming over someone, or something. His shoulders are so wide I’m pretty sure I could call him a Dorito (he doesn’t even know what a Dorito is! If that doesn’t scream a thousand year old vampire, I’m not sure what does!) and have it be pretty darn accurate.

• Our job occasionally forces us to dress up in some unusual clothing, so seeing people walking around with skin-tight bodysuits isn’t very weird. Most people choose to wear clothes over said bodysuits, and I really can’t blame them. It gets cold, man! Anyway, back to my original point: there’s something semi-understood in our workplace.

  Capes are off-limits.

  They’re stupid, they’re pointless, and honestly, they hold nothing of value to anyone. If I could choose between ending world hunger and getting rid of capes forever, I’d probably choose to get rid of capes forever. It’d do more good.

  Edit: I apologise for this comment. I was very worked up when typing this post, and I didn’t read through it thoroughly enough to understand this was an awful thing to say. I hate world hunger. I’d choose to end world hunger every single time.

  Mike often wears a cape. It’s stupid. I don’t get why he does it, and honestly, there is no purpose to them unless you are trying to cover something up. I watched Hotel Transylvania with my daughter(F5mo) recently, and I saw Dracula often covered up with a large hat and cape. Does this translate into real-life vampires? Any vamp-experts please shoot me a message.

• I am certain he can turn into a bat. I have not seen it (yet) but I have the sense every-time I look away from him his little bat wings flutter away from me.
• Mike and I often spend lunch together, this consists, more often than not, of me bringing the food to him as he has a tendency to forget to buy anything from the cafeteria, or he simply refuses to go into the cafeteria as he deems it to be too bright. (Mike has this weird thing where he hates any light whatsoever, but again, can’t judge the guy.)

  Recently, I wanted to test my theory of the man being a vampire. I brought him some pizza (delicious, shoutout Eddie’s Pizza) alongside a little bit of garlic bread. We enjoyed the pizza together, but when it came time for the garlic bread, his lips were zipped.

  Mike went through a variety of exasperated arguments, from “I’m not hungry” to “I don’t like bread”, but I wasn’t fooled by this. Eventually, we came to a conclusion and he told me he has a garlic intolerance. A garlic intolerance?! Come on, that isn’t even real.

Putting that all together, it’s pretty convincing, right?

I’ve talked to my wife about this, but she says she doesn’t want to talk about this behind Mike’s back (which I don’t get, she’s never even met the guy.) I’ve talked to my other friends about this, too, but they all call me “crazy” and “a maniac” for obsessing over this so much. They tell me I “pay too much attention to him” and that “it’s not healthy to have a spreadsheet with things he does.”

They just don’t get it.

So, I’m turning to you, reddit. If any real vampires would like to shoot me a message, my DMs are open and I’d love to hear any insight you guys have! However, if there are any vampire hunters stalking my post, let me just tell you, you guys aren’t getting anything from me. Mike does NOT need to be hunted.

Edit 2: I hear a lot of you being confused over my place of work. Like I said, I can’t really disclose any information about it, but no, I am not a professional LARPer, in-fact, I’m a little offended you thought I’d know what that means, but I do not take part in anything like that. (Though I am not against trying! Are there any good LARPing sessions around NY?)

Edit 3: A lot of you think it’s creepy I have so much information on Mike, but it is quite the opposite, people! It’d be creepy if I was making such an accusation without any proof.

Edit 4: What do the awards do?

Edit 5: Thank you for the awards!!

Edit 6: I do NOT have a crush on my boss. Do I occasionally wish he’d stick his fangs in my neck and drink my blood? Maybe. Did watching Twilight with my wife reveal something in the both of us? Maybe, but that does NOT mean I have a crush on the guy!

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