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Back and forth, back and forth.
Gorgug stared with a detached curiosity as he drew his finger methodically across a scar on the back of his forearm. Its texture was just a bit smoother than the surrounding skin in a way that was somehow comforting, and he had a feeling that he would be able to find the scar even if he closed his eyes.
He didn't, though. His eyes followed his finger with an intense focus.
Back and forth, back and forth.
He was at lunch, technically, sitting in the middle of the Bad Kids while they argued about something or the other. It sounded like Kristen and Fabian were bickering about whether kissing someone of the same gender was gay or not, but Gorgug really couldn't say for sure. He was miles away.
Back and forth, back and forth.
"Gorgug! Hey, Gorgug!"
Gorgug looked up, blinking in confusion. "Sorry, what?" He pulled down his hoodie sleeve, more out of habit than anything else.
"Head in the clouds again?" Fig teased, and Gorgug blushed.
"Sorry, I uh… what was the question?"
Fabian opened his mouth, but before he could get a word out, Kristen cut in.
"Well at first we needed you to be the tie breaker for this vote, since Riz rudely abstained–"
"I hardly think my opinion would be of any use on this matter," Riz grumbled.
"But!" Kristen barreled on, ignoring Riz entirely. "Now I'm curious what you were staring at so intensely that you couldn't even hear me, your most beloved and truest friend!"
The group rang out with immediate protests. “Don’t be ridiculous, Kristen,” Adaine remarked dryly.
“Yeah!” Fig said. “We all know that I’m Gorgug’s best friend!”
“Not what I meant,” Adaine muttered under her breath.
“Don’t be stupid, Fig,” Fabian scoffed. “Me and Gorgug are so tight you don’t even know. I gave him a hug once!”
“Yeah well I give Gorgug a hug every time I see him," Kristen said, puffing out her chest proudly. "So get on my level, Fabian."
“Well, I think you’re all stupid,” Riz said grouchily. “Not even about this, just like. Generally speaking.”
“Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the desk today,” Fig commented, eyeing Riz warily. “How much sleep did you get last night, exactly?”
She jumped back as Riz suddenly bared his teeth, hissing at her from across the table, and Gorgug quickly stepped in.
“Guys, guys! You’re all my best friends, okay?” he said, holding his hands out placatingly. He let out the tiniest sigh of relief as his words had their intended effect and the group settled down slightly. God, his friends could be so loud.
“And to answer your question, Kristen, I was just looking at an old scar,” he said with a slight shrug. “I must’ve gotten distracted, sorry. What are we voting on?”
"Wait, a scar? Is it cool? Can I see?"
Gorgug considered Fig's question for a moment, before shrugging again. "Yeah, I guess. If you really want to."
He jumped slightly as Fig eagerly grabbed his arm from where she was sitting next to him, pulling it over to herself. "Oh, I do."
Fig pushed up Gorgug's sleeve, revealing a long scar that stretched from his wrist halfway to his elbow, a wicked scratch that had clearly been made by either a blade or a very sharp claw.
There was a beat of silence before Fig made her judgment.
"Oh, that is sick."
"Let me see, let me see!" Kristen immediately complained, standing up and leaning across the table to get a look. "Oooo, ouch."
Fabian glanced at the scar, giving a dismissive scoff. "I mean, I've seen cooler scars."
Adaine poked her head around from Gorgug's other side. "Where did you get that, Gorgug?"
Gorgug shrugged. "I don't remember," he replied honestly. "A werewolf, maybe? Or one of the dwarves? It's hard to keep track."
Fig let out a whistle. "Damn, Gorgug, how many scars do you have?"
"Oh, uh… a couple? I don't know." Gorgug let out a self-conscious laugh, moving his free arm to scratch at the back of his head. He kind of wished he could have his arm back now, but Fig was still holding on pretty tight, wide curious eyes staring at his scar.
"I mean, we've all been in quite a few fights," he continued, "so I'm sure I'm not the only one. It's all good though, we have a great healer, after all."
He smiled at Kristen, and she sent a beaming, if slightly confused, smile back. "Aw, thanks Gorgug! My healing doesn't leave scars, though, you know that!"
Gorgug paused, disconcerted. "Oh. Right."
He hadn't known that, actually, and now he felt stupid for not knowing it. How could he have never realized something so special about his friend's power?
Well, to be fair, it wasn't as if Kristen healed him that often. No wait, that sounded bad– of course she healed him! Just… not as often as the others.
It made sense, of course. Gorgug could take a lot of damage, and everyone knew it. A lot of his friends… couldn't. So Gorgug would never dream of asking Kristen to waste one of her spells on him, no matter how much he got hit in battle.
Still… Gorgug suddenly felt all the more self conscious about the scars that laced his frame. How many more than his friends did he have, exactly?
Probably more than they think.
"Wait, so you're saying you have more sick scars?" Fig asked excitedly, breaking him from his train of thought. "Can we see?"
"Oh! Uh." Gorgug felt heat rise to his face. "I don't– um."
"Cool scars, cool scars!" Fig chanted, and Kristen quickly joined in. “Cool scars, cool scars!”
"What are you even talking about?" Riz asked exasperatedly.
"Think about it," Fig said conspiratorially, in the voice she used when she was about to say something truly absurd. "Gorgug wears the same hoodie every day. Every day!"
"Uh yeah. So?" Fabian asked.
"So!" Fig exclaimed, pointing a dramatic finger at Gorgug's chest with the hand not keeping a firm grip on his arm, "He's clearly hiding something!"
Gorgug blinked. "I– what?"
"I hardly think that's the case," Adaine interjected. "Fabian wears the same jacket every day, and so do I, for that matter."
"Yeah, but do either of your jackets cover what are probably super cool scars? I don't think so," Fig said smugly, clearly pleased with her logic.
"Um, excuse me?" Fabian asked, an affronted hand on his chest. "I have cool scars. I have tons of cool scars. Haven't you seen my face?"
He reached up to flip his eyepatch up, revealing the damaged skin underneath, and Kristen hissed out a breath through her teeth.
"Fabian, man, I don't know how to tell you this," she said, steepling her fingers in front of her face, "but your missing eye is like– I mean, yeah it's cool, but it's also, like. Extremely gross."
Fabian gasped. "How dare you–"
Kristen quickly shushed him. "Shhh it's okay, it's okay, I got it…” She reached out, one finger pressing insistently to his mouth as her other hand gently flicked the eyepatch back down. “There we go! Much better."
"Oh, is that how it is?" Fabian huffed angrily, shrugging off his jacket more aggressively than should be reasonably possible. "I'll show you cool scars."
He tugged at the hem of his shirt, only to be met with an immediate round of protest.
"Oh ew, Fabian, don't take your shirt off, no one wants to see that," Kristen said.
"Seconded." Adaine was looking down at the table as if she had never seen anything more interesting in her life.
"You wanted scars, didn't you? I'll show you the manliest of scars," Fabian said, his shirt now halfway up and revealing his stomach.
"Fabian!" Riz snapped, and Fabian paused.
"Yes, the Ball?"
"For the love of god, do not."
A short pause, and then Fabian let go of his shirt, groaning loudly. "This is bullying! That's what this is!"
"I'll tell you what it is," Fig jumped back in. "It's off topic! We have yet to solve the mystery of Gorgug's hoodie! Come on, Riz, you're the detective here, back me up."
"No. You're being ridiculous," Riz said flatly, and Fig gasped in offense. "I wear the same hat every day, does that mean I'm hiding something cool up there?"
Fig paused, then suddenly released her grip on Gorgug's arm as she leaned across the table to squint at Riz's hat suspiciously.
"Hey Riz, what does your hair look like under there, anyway?" she asked, and Riz groaned. He sent Gorgug a look, as if to say, Can you believe this?
"I give up," he grumbled.
Gorgug gratefully retrieved his arm, wringing his wrist a little before he pulled down his sleeve. This was beginning to get out of hand.
"Hey, um guys? Maybe we should all just calm down."
"Yeah, leave him alone, Fig, can't you tell he's uncomfortable?" Adaine cut in.
"What?" Fig turned to look at Gorgug with wide eyes. "Is that true? Why didn't you say anything?" she asked, whacking his shoulder lightly.
"Oh, um. It's. It's fine, really."
Gorgug was starting to feel as if this was all his fault somehow, even though he'd barely gotten a word in this whole time. He was about to apologize, but he didn't get the chance.
"Hey Gorgug?"
Gorgug glanced across the table to meet eyes with Riz, and immediately felt a shiver run down his spine. Riz was giving him the look. The look that meant he had just found an interesting clue and he had to think really hard about it. Gorgug hated when that look was turned on him; it always made him feel like he was doing something wrong.
"I, um. Yeah?"
Riz stared at him hard for another moment, and even their friends quieted down. They all knew not to interrupt Riz when he was like this. Whether that was because they respected the process or because they knew he was about to say something they would be able to make fun of? It was hard to say.
Riz's eyes flicked down to something Gorgug couldn't identify for a second and then back up again. He cleared his throat.
"Are you… okay?"
Gorgug frowned. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn't that.
"Um, yes?" he responded, though it sounded a bit like a question when it came out. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Yeah!" Kristen agreed. "How could Gorgug not be okay when his best friend in the entire world is literally right here?" she said, gesturing to herself with a dramatic flourish.
"Oh, not this again," Fabian groaned.
"We are literally in a band together!" Fig shouted. "I mean come on, people!"
"Everybody shut up!" Riz snapped, and for once they all did. "I thought I saw something."
His eyes flicked down again, and Gorgug couldn't help but glance down, too. Maybe he had spilled something on himself? But no, when he looked down all he saw was his hands in his lap.
"Could you be more specific?" he asked, sending Riz an apologetic smile. "I'm afraid I'm a bit lost, as usual," he said with a small laugh.
Riz furrowed an eyebrow at that, concern crossing his face, and Gorgug was really starting to get worried.
"What did you see, Riz?" Adaine asked, when no immediate answer was forthcoming.
Riz hesitated, which seemed odd. He had never been one to keep things to himself before, especially when it came to clues. He was usually dying to have someone listen to him.
"I thought… I thought I saw something…"
"Just spit it out already, the Ball!"
Riz's eyes darted down one more time, and Gorgug suddenly realized what exactly he was looking at a second before the words left his mouth and a second too late.
"It's noth–" he rushed to say, but to no avail.
"I thought I saw something on his wrist."
"Oh really?" Fig asked, and Gorgug watched in horror as she snatched his arm again and pushed up his sleeve, this time turning his arm over. "What did–"
Gorgug felt the exact second that she froze.
"Oh my god."
"I have to go," Gorgug blurted, yanking his arm from Fig's grasp and pushing himself roughly to his feet.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to ignore the way they shook as he all but ran from the cafeteria. He heard his friends calling out from behind him, but he really couldn't deal with that right now.
“Hey Gorgug, wait!”
Fig.
“Wait, what was it?”
Kristen.
“I didn’t see either.”
Adaine.
The door thudded shut behind him, and Gorgug ran.
He sprinted through the nearly empty hallways, eventually bursting out of the doors at the front of the school. He skidded to a stop, looking around wildly for anywhere safe. Nothing stood out, so he took off in a random direction. Anything would be better than standing here.
He had just rounded the corner of the school building when his breath caught up to him, and he pressed himself hard against the wall, chest heaving and eyes darting. After making sure that there was no one nearby, he allowed himself to collapse to the ground, his knees pulled up to his chest.
It was as good a place to have a breakdown as any, he supposed.
Gorgug fumbled a bit as he reached into his backpack, but he eventually pulled out his headphones and shoved them over his ears a little harsher than strictly necessary. His hands shook as he pulled up his music, but he breathed a sigh of relief the second the sound started blasting.
Gorgug closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying desperately to prevent the storm that was brewing. It would be alright, it wasn’t like before, he wouldn’t have to be…
There was a brief pause in his music, and the instant of quiet caused an old, familiar feeling to pang in his chest.
He felt so, so alone.
Gorgug scowled, shoving his palms against his closed eyes. Nope. He was not doing this. Not when he had been doing so well. He thought he was past this, he thought he was better. He thought… he thought he’d never have to think about that again.
He should have known better.
His scowl deepened as he remembered the concern in Fig’s voice, the question in Riz’s eyes. Stupid sharp goblin eyes, stupid licensed investigator. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Why was he always so stupid?
Everything would be different now. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew it would. His friends were going to freak out, they’d probably want to take care of him, which was stupid because it was his job to protect them, not the other way around.
Of course, that was assuming they’d still want to be friends with a freak who cut himself.
Gorgug felt his heart seize in his chest at the thought. He shoved his palms further into his face, but that didn’t stop the burning of tears behind his eyes.
If he ended up alone again after everything, he didn't know what he'd do.
He stiffened when he felt a phantom burn on his wrist, and he bit his lip uneasily. Or maybe… maybe he did.
Gorgug suddenly flinched when he felt a tap on his knee, and his head shot back in surprise, slamming against the wall behind him. He immediately groaned, rubbing the back of his head.
“Oh fuck, I’m sorry man.”
He squinted at Kristen, who was kneeling next to him and eyeing the ground guiltily. He glanced at his other friends– the rest of the Bad Kids, rather– as they stood around him, and he turned down his music a little bit with a sigh.
“Don’t you have class?” he muttered, staring down at his knees and resolutely avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“Like hell am I going to class now,” Fig spat out. “Come on, dude, we’re worried about you.”
Gorgug traced the seam of his jeans with his eyes as he tried to think of any way to get out of this. He wasn’t feeling too optimistic about his chances, though– his friends were the most stubborn people he had ever met.
“Listen, Gorgug, it’s okay,” Adaine said kindly. “We don’t want to make you uncomfortable. We just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“It’s–” Gorgug tried, wincing when his voice came out a bit scratchy. “It’s not what you think.”
There was a moment where no one said anything, and Gorgug could practically feel the disbelief radiating from the Bad Kids. He tried again.
“And– and even if it was–” He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as the partial admission came out, an anxious shake of his head causing his hair to fall into his face. “Even if it was, I don’t do that anymore.”
He heard Fabian and Fig curse simultaneously, and the sound of someone sitting down directly in front of him.
“Hey, Gorgug? That’s good, man. I’m really glad to hear that. Do you think you can look at me?”
The gentleness in Riz’s voice wasn’t something Gorgug heard from the goblin often, and it gave him pause. Slowly, he opened his eyes to see Riz sitting cross-legged in front of him, his expression serious but soft.
“Thanks,” he said with a small smile. “I have a couple of questions for you. You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to, but I’d like to ask. How does that sound?”
Gorgug shrugged nervously. “That’s fine, I guess,” he mumbled.
“Okay.” Riz took a deep breath. “Remember, you don’t have to answer, okay? My question is, do you think you will hurt yourself in the near future?”
Gorgug’s eyes went wide, and he immediately shook his head frantically. “No, of course not! I would never–”
The words died in his throat, and he hugged his legs tightly, his nails digging just slightly into his skin. To say that he would never do such a thing… Well, he could hardly pretend that was true. Not anymore.
“I told you, I don’t do that anymore,” he said, his voice much more subdued.
He thought he heard a few sighs– of relief? But he couldn’t identify them, because he was far too busy staring at his knees again.
“Okay. Okay. That’s really good. I have another question, okay?”
Gorgug nodded, his eyes fixed on a loose thread that he had just discovered.
“When was the last time you hurt yourself?”
Gorgug shrunk in on himself at the question. If he told them, it would be real. They would know. Which was a stupid thought, because they already knew, of course they did, but– but still, the words felt like spitting up gravel when he finally got them out.
“Before I met you,” he croaked, his nails digging in ever deeper.
That wasn’t the complete truth, strictly speaking. The Bad Kids had certainly changed Gorgug’s life for the better, but to say that that had immediately allowed him to leave behind old habits would be an unrealistic expectation. There had been… moments, back at the beginning, where he had still felt…
But well, they didn’t need to know all of that, did they?
Still, he heard a slight aww from Kristen as the implications of that statement set in, and Adaine, who was now kneeling on his other side, placed a comforting hand on his knee.
“So that means…”
Gorgug risked a glance at Riz, who was clearly turning that piece of information around in his head. “Over a year, then?”
Gorgug ducked his head in something of a nod, his eyes falling back down again. “Something like that,” he muttered.
“Okay. Thank you for telling me. I have one more question, okay?”
Gorgug shrugged. If it was just one, he could probably manage it. Anything if it would get him out of this hell.
Riz cleared his throat. “Have you ever talked to anyone about this?”
Gorgug blinked, and he looked up at Riz in confusion. “Like who?”
Riz paused, considering his words carefully. “Like… Jawbone?”
Gorgug thought about it for a second, he really did. This kind of thing did seem to be in Jawbone’s area of expertise, but… Gorgug didn’t actually do that anymore. It seemed like it would be a waste of Jawbone’s time, not to mention any other students who would benefit from meeting with the counselor instead. Gorgug could never be that selfish.
And besides, even the thought of talking to Jawbone made Gorgug feel… He frowned as an uncomfortable feeling wormed its way into his chest. He knew that feeling. It was the same feeling that bubbled up inside of him any time he saw his self-inflicted scars, any time he was forced to remember that he wasn’t always as strong as he pretended to be, any time he failed to protect the people he loved, a feeling that he was all too familiar with.
Shame.
It was an ugly feeling, and as much as Gorgug hated to admit it, he couldn't deny it either.
But even that was not the thing that came to the forefront of his mind when he truly considered talking to Jawbone. No, what worried him most was–
“Do you think he would tell my parents?”
Gorgug saw Riz’s face fall, his calm facade cracking just a bit. “Holy shit, dude,” he swore under his breath. “I– yeah, probably. I think he’d have to.”
“Oh,” Gorgug said. “I don’t– I don’t know if–”
Fig muscled her way into the crowd, shoving herself between Kristen and Riz. “Gorgug, man, listen. First of all, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for grabbing your arm like that earlier, because that was not cool and it kind of seems like that freaked you out, so I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Gorgug offered weakly.
“It’s not, but thanks. Also, and like, I know this might be weird because I don’t usually wear my heart on my sleeve or anything, but like, you’re really cool, and you’re one of my best friends, so, I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m glad you don’t do that anymore but I think you should talk to Jawbone anyway because he’s a really cool dude and he could probably help you a lot.”
“He really could,” Adaine chimed in. “He’s helped me a lot. He knows what he’s doing.”
“But I don’t– listen, I’m not going to do that again, okay?” Gorgug’s voice came out almost pleading and weirdly defensive in a way he didn't really understand. “You don’t have to worry about me, I only ever used to do that when–”
He snapped his mouth shut and buried his head fully in his knees. They definitely did not need to know about that.
“When what?” Kristen asked, her voice unusually quiet. Gorgug regretted all of his life choices that had led him to this moment.
He didn’t even know if his friends could hear him when he mumbled his response through his knees, but he was pretty sure he would die instantaneously if he made eye contact with a single one of them right now.
“When I felt alone.”
Gorgug didn't know how to say that he had spent years being the freak, the loser, the outcast. He didn’t know how to explain that knowing his own parents hadn’t wanted him had left him feeling worthless and incapable of being loved, feelings that had only been confirmed by the words that bullies had thrown at him every day. He didn’t know how to make them understand how years of living with parents that he knew cared for him but could never understand him had left him feeling disconnected and lonely even in his own home.
He couldn't possibly begin to explain how bad days had led to late nights behind locked doors, staring blankly at bloodied arms and feeling as empty as ever.
Gorgug didn’t know how to say any of that.
But as he said those words, Adaine's grip tightened on his knee. Kristen snuggled into him from the side, Fig threw her arms around him, and Fabian finally shoved his way into the circle.
And Gorgug got the feeling that maybe they got it anyway.
Or well, maybe they didn't. They couldn't possibly realize how many years Gorgug had spent feeling so strikingly alone that it hurt. Gorgug doubted that they could imagine the number of times he had woken up in the morning knowing that he was going to hurt himself before the day was done. And he hoped more than anything that not a single one of them knew how it felt to take a blade to their own skin.
But even if they didn't get any of that, he knew that they had him.
And that, he thought, was even better.
"You're not alone, Gorgug. Not anymore," Riz said softly.
Gorgug peeked up at his friend, giving him a small smile. "I know. Thanks, Riz."
"And if anyone ever makes you feel like that again, I'll gut them myself," Fabian growled fiercely.
"Oh fuck yeah!" Fig agreed. "Gorgug protection squad unite!"
Gorgug stiffened, and his eyes went wide. "W-what? Protect… me?"
"Hell yeah, man," Kristen said, bumping his shoulder playfully. "We've got your back."
"B-but!" Gorgug stammered. "You shouldn't have to– I mean, I'm supposed to protect you!"
"Gorgug, it's not a one-way street," Adaine said gently. "You're our friend. Of course we want to protect you."
"Oh." It sounded so simple, when she put it like that. Things always seemed to make sense when Adaine said them.
"Gorgug protection squad! Gorgug protection squad!" It was a bit long for a chant, but Fig and Kristen made it work. Riz groaned lowly and rolled his eyes, but he also sent Gorgug a discrete thumbs up, so Gorgug had a feeling that he didn't really mind.
Gorgug almost couldn't believe it. They didn't think he was a freak. They were worried about him. They wanted to protect him. He wouldn't… he wouldn't have to be alone again.
He felt Adaine rest her head against his shoulder comfortingly. Fabian clasped a hand on his other shoulder, giving him an affirming nod. Still chanting, Kristen sent him a toothy grin.
And as Gorgug made eye contact with Fig, she winked.
He couldn't help it. He let out a startled laugh, but almost as soon as it came out, he gasped sharply, and suddenly he was crying.
"Oh shit, what did I do?" Fig asked immediately, her voice panicked. "Gorgug, what's wrong?"
"N-nothing," he choked out even as he sobbed, wiping roughly at his face with his hoodie sleeves. "I- I'm just- thank you," he managed.
"I love you guys so much."
Fig stared at him for a second, still panicked, until she processed what he said and relaxed, her shoulders dropping. Kristen immediately cooed. "Aww, Gorgug, we love you too!"
Fig grinned, nodding in agreement. "You know it."
"Naturally," Adaine chimed in.
"How couldn't we?" Riz said with an easy shrug.
"I mean… yeah, I guess– ow! The fuck did you do that for, the Ball?"
Fabian glared at Riz, rubbing his shoulder where Riz had just elbowed him. Riz glowered right back. "You know why."
Fabian huffed out an exasperated sigh. "Okay, fine, I love you too, Gorgug. We all love you because you're super calming to be around and always make us feel loved and seen and it's super sick when you decapitate stuff and you just fucking rule. Are you happy now?" he asked sarcastically, sending Riz another look.
Riz gaped at him for a second, before shaking his head with a rueful grin. "Yeah man, I think that'll do it."
And yeah, okay, maybe Gorgug still couldn't stop crying. But he couldn't stop smiling, either.
And that, he thought, was even better.