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The job had gone bad. The Razorgulls had been tipped off, which meant they had time to prepare a counterattack, and without Inej in the sky and the shadows to warn them, Kaz and Jesper were woefully underprepared. This also meant there was a traitor in the Dregs. Kaz would find them sooner or later no doubt but for now, he was hurt. Badly. Jesper had practically carried him all the way through the Barrel, the broken remains of his cane tucked under his arms and Kaz struggled on now, two bad legs. When they finally reached the Slat, Kaz sent anyone who came near them away with one fiery glare which allowed Jesper to take him up to his room without any 'unnecessary coddling' as Kaz put it. Jesper had been silent the whole way, trying not to show how nervous he was as Kaz got paler and paler during their trip home, and only dared to speak when the door to Kaz's room was shut behind them.
"Okay, do you want me to lay you down on the bed or- Saints Kaz!"
Kaz had pushed away from Jesper immediately which caused him to fall to the ground with a heavy thump. Jesper dropped the splintered shards of wood he was still carrying and fell to his knees next to Kaz, who was staring at the floor and panting, strands of damp, dark hair falling over his forehead and into his eyes. Jesper reached a hand out to Kaz's shoulder but he moved away, letting out a strained noise of pain as he did.
"I don't need your help." Kaz said through gritted teeth.
"Oh like hell you don't." Jesper huffed, sitting back on his heels. "Please let me look at your leg Kaz. For your sake."
There was a beat of silence. Only the noise of the club below them and Kaz's ragged breaths could be heard. Jesper shook his head lightly and went to stand before a hand shot out and grabbed his wrist tightly. He could feel how shaky Kaz was through the grip. Kaz raised his head and looked at Jesper. There was sweat running down his paler than usual face and his jaw was clenched as is every movement was an indescribable amount of effort. Jesper had never seen him like this before.
"Don't-" Kaz coughed, interrupting himself. "Don't go."
Jesper simply nodded wordlessly and crouched back down. He helped Kaz up to a more comfortable position and leaned him up against the nearest wall, taking the upmost care as he dragged Kaz across the floor . He would at the best of times but now with both legs injured and the way he collapsed to the floor they must have been more sensitive than ever.
"I'm gonna cut your trouser leg okay? Just to see the damage." Jesper said gently as he reached for a pair of scissors that sat on the chest of drawers next to them. The fabric around Kaz's left leg was wet and sticky and Jesper flinched when he first made contact with it but continued to cut it away. He carefully peeled away the clothing to reveal a deep cut that had been bleeding the whole way home. A stray knife must have been flung in the fray and found home Kaz's leg. Jesper drew in a sharp breath.
"Bad?" Kaz asked, a strange smirk appearing on his face. Jesper shook his head with a little smile.
"You'll live." Jesper replied, leaning over to the drawers once more to retrieve the medik kit that he knew was in there. He pulled out some cloths, bandages and rubbing alcohol and set to work. He didn't know a whole lot about treating injuries but he'd had it done on himself enough times to pick a little bit up.
Kaz shut his eyes tight and clenched his fists as Jesper pressed a cloth covered in rubbing alcohol to the wound, wiping the blood around it off his skin and removing any dirt or debris that could be inside it. He became suddenly aware of Kaz's breath fanning on his forehead and the hairs on his arms raised up. He swallowed hard and continued his work, unravelling the bandage and cutting it to an appropriate length. Jesper went to stretch out Kaz's leg to wrap the bandage around it but faltered before making contact.
"Can I..." He said, looking at Kaz earnestly. His hands shook slightly and he willed them desperately to stop. Kaz stared back at him, studying Jesper's face. Then, he ran his tongue over his lips and nodded.
"Yes." Kaz said in a croaky voice.
Jesper let out a breath he wasn’t entirely aware he had been holding and took hold off Kaz’s leg, pulling it until it was laid straight across in front of them; Jesper used the spare bandages to prop it up slightly so he could wrap around it. He also didn’t miss the way Kaz got goosebumps when Jesper’s fingers brushed against him but he tried to ignore it.
They fell into silence as Jesper wrapped up his wound, even the sounds of the club below them fading away. The only noise was Kaz sucking in a breath every time Jesper’s touch met his skin. Jesper initially froze up to see if Kaz would tell him to stop but when he turned his gaze to Kaz he only found him sitting there with his eyes closed, as if he had fallen into some kind of trance under Jesper’s care. Jesper drew in a shuddering breath and carried on.
They’d been here before, many times and the other way round. But never like this. It had always been a rush, Kaz not taking much care for Jesper’s wounds and Jesper being warned to have as little contact with Kaz as possible. This though? Jesper had never experienced anything like this with Kaz. The hopeful farm boy in Jesper thought that maybe enough time had passed, Kaz had been through enough and healed by now, could let Jesper in. But the realist in him said it was because Inej was gone. And he had Wylan now.
Jesper looked up in that moment and realised how close the two of them were. Their noses almost brushed and Kaz didn't flinch away. He stared, hard into Jesper's eyes as if he could see right through to his soul. Maybe he could. Jesper wouldn't be surprised. Kaz always seemed to know how Jesper was feeling, sometimes even before Jesper himself. He faltered as he finished wrapping the bandage, and his fingers grazed Kaz's leg in a feather light touch. Kaz sucked in a breath and looked away and the spell broke. Jesper blinked a couple of times and his head whirled with a million thoughts until he opened his mouth and blurted out the first thing that became clear.
"I'm not in love with you anymore." He said suddenly, breaking their quiet and surprising even himself. He had no idea what he was going to say if he was being honest but it certainly wasn’t that. Kaz, who immediately turned back to look at Jesper with the rare look of shock deep in the dark pools of his eyes. He seemed lost for words for a moment, opening and closing his mouth as if he couldn't decide what to say, before he settled on,
"I didn't know you ever were."
Jesper couldn’t help but laugh a little. Maybe Kaz didn't know everything about him. He thought back to the Jesper who first joined the Dregs. The Jesper who watched Kaz's every move in awe, as he walked into a job with the confidence of a man who had lived in the Barrel for years and years, not a 17 year old who had had to grow up way too fast. The Jesper who stood and took it when Kaz shouted at him for gambling his life away at the tables because at least it meant that somewhere deep down, Kaz really did care about him. The Jesper who would have given his life to be where this Jesper was right now, inches away from this Kaz who didn't look like he was going to run away.
But he wasn't that Jesper anymore. This Jesper had gone through hell and back for Kaz Brekker and learned the hard way that he was never going to be what he wanted him to be. This Jesper had had to grow up, stop chasing the vigilante and get rescued by his Prince.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said- I'm sorry." Jesper mumbled, swiftly finishing tying off the bandage and brushing off his legs to stand. Move away from the situation. Get away, get out. But again, a firm grip stopped him from going any further, and Kaz was looking at him with that same devastating stare.
"I'm-" Kaz paused like he was struggling to find the words. Something he'd never had a problem with in the past. He sighed. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't tell me when you were."
Jesper looked at him curiously for a moment, before slowly pulling out of his hold.
"Yeah. Me too I guess." He gave Kaz a sad smile and bent down to pick up the pieces of his cane, pressing the broken parts together and shutting his eyes. He felt the particles of wood change and move and reconnect as he fixed it together again. When it was all done and the familiar thrum of his powers was rushing through his veins, he handed it back to Kaz who was staring at him with wide eyes and a look that Jesper had never seen before. He then held out his hand and helped him stand before leading him over to the bed in the room just off the office.
“Thank you… Jes.” Kaz said quietly as Jesper helped him lower himself down onto the mattress and stretch both of his legs out in front of him. Jesper chuckled at the nickname coming out of Kaz’s mouth not in a way that was making fun of him or Inej.
“Anytime boss.” Jesper said, saluting as he turned on his heel and walked to the door. Before he could leave, his hand faltered on the doorknob and he turned to look at Kaz, who’s gaze he had felt boring into his back the whole time he walked through the room. “You know where I am. If you need anything.”
And Kaz smiled.