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Jesper hated Kaz's office. He was never invited up there for a good reason. Kaz had never asked for Jesper to go up to the office so they could have drinks to celebrate a job gone well, or for Kaz to ask how Jesper was doing if he'd looked rough. No, if Jesper was ever called upstairs, it was most likely he was about to get scolded like a student in his headmasters office. Which was exactly how he felt now.
"Pim told me something interesting today." Kaz said slowly, not even looking up at Jesper who was stood in front of the desk that Kaz was sitting behind. Instead he absentmindedly neatened up some papers. Jesper ground his teeth.
"Really? That would be a first." Jesper tried for a joke but any hint of laughter died on his lips when he saw the look Kaz shot him.
"Pim told me that he saw you in the Emerald Palace at three bells. When you were supposed to be on Fifth Harbour carrying out the job I gave you this morning." Kaz's voice was low and his eyes were dark as he looked up at Jesper. "Now what would you be doing there?"
"I wasn't. Pim saw someone else." Jesper said with a shrug.
"Don't lie to me Jesper, that's stupid. He saw you gambling away the money I gave you for a trade, on a game of Three Man Bramble."
Jesper's fists clenched and unclenched at his sides. He wished he could do something with his hands, anything, he fucking hated just standing still like this. But Kaz was in a bad mood and Jesper standing in front of him incessantly twirling his guns over his fingers wasn't going to make him any less angry.
"Okay, I won't lie. I was there. So what?" Jesper willed his voice not to shake. He hated the look Kaz was giving him.
"The money I gave you was for the job. Yet at the first sight of kruge you run off to the tables as if you think for one minute you're gonna have an ounce of luck and actually win something for once in your life. And you wonder why I don't let you handle jobs like this anymore." Kaz rose from his seat and walked to Jesper, his cane thumping on the ground as he went. The noise sounded deafening in the quiet room, the only noise being the constant rain that fell hard against Kaz's open window. He always left it open now.
"I made a mistake but I'm trying my best. You don't understand what it's like trying to kick this. It's not like I can just wake up and not want to do it anymore. But this is the first time in months Kaz, give me a break." Jesper sighed, rolling his eyes.
"I'm not mad, Jesper. I'm not disappointed. I'm not even surprised actually. You're weak. One thing goes wrong and you go running back to the only thing you know. Failure."
Jesper flinched.
"You're being mean, Kaz." Jesper said, trying desperately not to sound like a child getting bullied in a school ground. It was hard when Kaz sometimes made him feel 3 feet tall.
"Maybe I'm just being realistic." Kaz spat before turning away from Jesper and going back to his desk to sit heavily back in his chair and flick through papers again. Jesper wondered if that was his cue to leave but his feet felt planted to the floor anyway, like he couldn't walk away even if he wanted to.
"What happened?" The words left Jesper's mouth before he could stop them. Then they flowed without caution. "To me and you. When you first found me and brought me to the Dregs we were- we had-"
"Silly schoolboy feelings." Kaz didn't look away from the scratched, grainy wood of his desk. His cheeks were flushed and his face was hard. "Something I should have never opened myself up to."
Jesper clenched his fists and started shaking. His blood boiled. Soft smiles reserved only for him started to play in his mind, evenings spent in bar once everyone had left, catching each other's eyes during a fight and knowing that truly, they were the only ones they could trust. They always had each other's backs. Then Kaz stopped. He turned cold and the smiles stopped. Jesper could never understand what happened. Was he not enough? Could he ever be enough for anyone?
"You're lying." Jesper muttered just loud enough for Kaz to hear. "They weren't silly , and you enjoyed it, but I just wasn't good enough for you. No one ever will be, we all try and try but you're just better that everyone aren't you? I gave you all of me, everything I had, and you threw it back in my face. I don't understand what I did wrong, why can't you just tell me Kaz?"
"Saints Jesper, you really are dense aren't you?" Kaz hissed, standing suddenly and slamming his hands on the desk, making Jesper jump and leaving them in silence. The noise of the Slat could still be heard below them, loud and bustling, people shouting and the spin of Makkers Wheel echoing cruelly in Jesper's mind. But at that moment he was staring at Kaz, studying his face and trying to gage the look in his eyes.
"As if it was ever that you weren't good enough for me. You were-" Kaz stopped himself. He hung his head and took a shaky breath. Jesper hadn't seen him like this in years. "Saints you were far too good for me. You deserved someone so much more."
"But I wanted you. You don't get to make that decision for me Kaz." Jesper pointed a shaking finger at him.
"Well I already have!" Kaz was yelling now. Jesper took a step back. "You have Wylan, you love Wylan and he loves you. It's done."
Jesper was out of words. He had no rebuttal. He didn't know how else to reach out to Kaz and get him to open up to him in the way he used to. Jesper unclenched his fists and slumped his shoulders, letting out a deep sigh. His fingers tapped slowly on his revolvers, even though he knew Kaz would hate it.
"Yeah..." Jesper turned and walked to the door. "Yeah I guess you're right." He finished as he turned the handle and left, leaving before Kaz could say anything, though Jesper doubted he would anyway.
When he entered his and Wylan's room, he found Wylan sketching crossed-legged on the bed wearing his favourite of Jesper's shirts. He raised his head and smiled wide when he saw Jesper in the doorway but it dropped quick when he saw the state of him. He immediately opened his arms for Jesper to fall into, who did so gladly, taking shuddering breaths into Wylan's neck as Wylan stroked his back gently and rocked him slowly side to side.
"Do you want to talk about it, love?" Wylan whispered into their safe bubble of quiet and peace they'd created after a while.
Jesper thought. About Kaz, and about Wylan. He was sure Wylan would understand but...
"Not yet. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologise. Just let me hold you, okay?"
Jesper shut his eyes, sighed and nodded. He could do that.