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You are Roxy Lalonde. You are also about to trip balls. You somehow agreed to trying Calliope’s juju again, knowing that you are not in a stressful situation anymore and have your amazing, awesome, cool, gay, moirail best friend (did you already mention gay?): Dirk Strider. Along with his equally cool, sexy, strong, nerdy boyfriend (but not really (it’s complicated)) and your other moirail best friend thing: Jake English. You and Jake thought of the idea while having one of your many brunches together and meticulously planned it out. And by meticulously you really just set out a bunch of your favorite blankets and piled them into the living room for a cuddle nest, made a list of movies to watch, and bought a ton of snacks. And you managed to convince Dirk to be your babysitter. You had to coerce him with orange Fanta and several bags of Doritos (Cool Ranch of course).
And now you sit in your shared house (with Jane, Jake and Dirk). You’re absolutely loving this beanbag you’re in right now. Jake is in the pile of blankets and Dirk is lounging on the couch. You invited Jane to come hang out but she strongly refused. She swore that she would never do it again after the first time. Which honestly like fair enough. She was going out of town with John anyway for their dad’s bday. So now it’s just the three of you delinquents. The juju is on the floor. You didn’t want it to taint the sweet coffee table you guys have. You look at Jake, who looks about as unsure as you did.
“Um….Ladies first?” You give Jake a look. The look of disappointment.
“Rock, Paper, Scissor me Jake,”
Jake feigned a startled look but broke the illusion with the giant grin on his face.
“I don’t think it would be very gentlemanly of me to scissor you Rox,”
You lean forward to playfully punch Jake in the shoulder. You look at Dirk.
“Come get your man Strider, he’s being a goob,”
Dirk grabs the Dorito bowl, “So I see. If you think he’s bad now,” He nods towards the juju, “maybe re-evaluate your choices bud.” He loudly crunches his chip to punctuate his sentence.
“Listen I am broadening my horizons, opening my mind to new things, not stuck in my cowardly old man ways like you and Janey.”
Dirk shrugs, “I’ll gladly be a coward if it means not being trapped in a neon prison of my own design, I’m already in several self-designed prisons. I even gave one a name.”
You squint, “I feel like you're trying to one up me in some sad way.”
He crunches a chip loudly again “Maybe, or maybe you feel the need to one up me in some sad way to prove you’re not a coward.”
You squint even harder. Your eyes are practically closed. You turn back to Jake, hands ready to rock. Paper. Scissors. “Okay we’ll go on shoot. Loser goes first, got it?” Jake nods very determinedly. “Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”
You pull out trusty rock, ‘cause duh. Oh Jake, the poor boy pulled out scissors.
“HA HA!” You crush his scissors triumphantly. Jake huffs “I’m never scissoring you again,”
“Uh huh we’ll see about that, now lick up Jakey boy.”
Jake huffed once more before grabbing the juju. He takes a deep breath and barely touches his tongue to the alien lollipop. There wasn’t a magical transformation, there wasn’t even a puff of smoke. His hair turned painfully neon. A little pumpkin nestled in his hair and the boyish red overalls were plastered to his body (despite wearing his pj’s a few seconds ago). His eyes look like toxic waste compared to the moss green they were before. Green swirls mark his now grinning cheeks. It was almost like he had been this way the whole time.
“Gadzooks I feel like a billion bucks! Try saying that 10 times fast! Billion bucks, billion bucks, billion bucks, billion bucks-”
“We get it,” Dirk places his hand gently but firmly on Jake’s head as if he had an off switch. He uses the other hand to grab the juju from Jake. He looks up at and points the juju in your direction. You sigh a very hefty sigh. You are a lady of your word. You try to grab it from Dirk but he pulls the juju back. “Uh uh, I’m not having you cracked out toddlers ganging up on me again.” You le sigh. You stick your tongue out.
“Hit meh up brofa.” And like your fairy godbro, he taps your tongue with his magical cherub juju. Within a fraction of a second, everything becomes so bright and amazing. It feels like everything has always been this way. You feel your mouth turned in a perma-grin.
“Good golly Rox you look like a billion TRILLION bucks!”
“And that’s my cue,” Dirk rises from the couch and takes the juju with him.
“Noooooooooo, come back! Don’t you wanna be pretty and happy like us?” You float towards Dirk, you forgot you could do that.
“Abso-fucking-lutely not,” He pushes your face back. “You can be bouncing around together, I’ll be back.” He leaves, juju in hand, and closes the door to the hallway (old house things). You, on the other hand, feel like you're vibrating. You feel like your heart is pumping really fast, like really fast…that’s probably not healthy but who cares! You look smoking hot in neon stripes. And your hair is blue!!! FREAKIN BLUE!!!!!!!
“JAKEEEE!!!!” You float over to him in the pile of blankets.
“Yes Mrs. Roxy Poxy?” His toxic waste eyes fixate on you, smile bigger than ever. You plop on top of him and splay across his lap.
“I’m so happy we did this!!!!”
“Roxy,” Jake grabs your face, his skin vibrating as much as yours. “I must tell you something,”
“What is Jakey Shmakey Bakey?”
“I’M ALSO SO HAPPY!!!!”
You both giggle and hoot and holler. Making noise feels really good. You both end up tangled in the blankets, which also feel really really good on your skin. You gasp and pop up from the blankets, which are partially attached to Jake.
“Jake!”
“Roxy!?” You lean in to Jake, close enough that your noses boop.
“We should make a blanket fort!!!”
“By gum we should!!!”
You both immediately get to work. You place the largest blanket over the couch and Jake helps you put it over the tv. You shove one of the lamps under the blankets and move the bean bag closer to the couch. You hop back in the remaining blankets in your rad as hell fort. Jake hops in next to you. You lay dramatically in his lap again. You can feel his skin vibrating again. It feels really nice against your also vibrating skin. You make a footnote in your head to experiment with that later but instead of keeping it internally you blurt it out.
“We should kiss!”
“What the fuck did I walk into?” You can’t see him but you hear your beloved Dirk has returned. Both you and Jake peak from under the fort.
“DIRK!!”
“You don’t need to yell I’m less than 5 feet from you…What’s,” Dirk vaguely gestures to your awesome fort.
“We made a fort” Jake smiles widely.
“Yea I… I can see that,”
“You wanna come in? Who am I kidding, of COURSE you do!” You open a flap and float up to grab Dirk’s arm. He lets you grab him and gently lets you lead him. Luckily there’s still enough room on the couch for him to sit up comfortably thanks to the lamps. You and Jake take to the floor again, you on the beanbag and him on the leftover blankets.
“Honestly, not bad…What were you guys talking about before I came in?”
“That we should kiss.” Jake says it plainly like it’s the most normal thing ever. Dirk sits there for a second. You can’t really read his expression, but you can’t really do that sober either. In your head though you believe he’s thinking “of course I would let you hot babes kiss, you’re my best friends and I want you to be happy, and while you’re at it you should kiss me too because you’re both hot babes.” He’s totally thinking that for sure. You nod quietly to yourself.
“I see…And what led you to this conclusion?” Dirk asks, still unreadable.
“Watch this!” You grab his hand again and put it on your face. His hand puts a calm pressure that flattens the vibrating sensation. It gives a slight sigh of relief you didn’t know was needed.
“Ah, yeah I noticed that.” He pulls his hand back.
“Can you imagine how good that would feel to smooch?!” You say as you grab Jake and shake him.
“Gee golly I can!” Jake shakes you back. You’re now an echo chamber of shaking.
“I can see the appeal. Both of you should wait until you’re sober to discuss it and try it next time.”
“Awww but Dirrrrkkkk. :(“ You both manage to speak simultaneously. It’s so fucking cool how in sync you are. Jake’s such a good homie, oblivious but a good homie. Man it would be so cool if you could kiss him.
“How the fuck are you doing that? How are you speaking emoticons?” Dirk holds his bowl of doritos close to him, as if we were gonna steal them from him.
“Doing what Dirk :?” You question as you cock your head…heh…cock…nice.
“Stop it.”
“But Dirky D:”
“Nope. Banned.”
You humph. Dirk is being such a buzz kill, you should’ve never invited him -_-....Maybe this proves why you should have most definitely invited him.
“Dirky boy think about it. Me and Jake make out every once in a while. It’s our thing!”
Dirk raises an eyebrow, “your thing?”
“Yes! How do you not know about our thing Dirk! And you claim to be our friend.”
Jake sits next to you smh’ing so freaking hard.
“Uh huh, sure. I’m going to turn on a movie and hope you both behave.” Before either of you can object anymore, Dirk pulls the ultimate power card. He plays Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Holy shit. You cannot take your eyes off the screen. It is so fantastical and awesome and quite honestly the best thing you have ever laid your eyes upon. You grab a bowl of whatever's in front of you. You find out it’s gummy worms by shoving a fistful in your mouth. You just keep shoving gummy worms in your mouth. You feel like the bowl should be empty by now but it isn’t. Far from it actually. Your teeth feel like they could rot out of your head and like you may vomit. The juju, of course, overpowers these feelings. Instead of what your body is screaming at you, the juju is whispering how your teeth are candy corn and how your tummy is having a party. You are none the wiser to its deception. You sink into this bean bag chair and oh. my. gob. This thing is immaculate . You thought being against Jake was nice but this thing. It’s like being eaten by a cloud.
“Hmmm cloud vore,” You hum. You thought it would be a lot quieter when you said it but you practically yell it. Dirk almost spits out his fanta and Jake just nods enthusiastically from his blanket pile like he knows exactly what you mean. Of course Jake knows exactly what you mean, you are beyond the same wavelength but the same brain cells and it’s rad.
“What did you say?”
“Mr Dirk Striderkins I said ‘cloud vore’,”
Dirk doesn’t even attempt to understand the radness that you are spitting from your noggin’. He just shakes his head and turns his attention back to the movie.
Soon the movie ends and before you could even think about shenanigans, Dirk starts playing the next movie.
Holy. Fuck.
It’s Shrek.
This, makes you feel like dancing. You get up and start busting out the absolute raddest jig ever. And Jake joins in with you. You believe this dance recital is so freaking beautiful it would bring tears of joy to anyone who laid their eyes upon it. Unfortunately though, Dirk is dead inside and cannot express the pure joy that is being dropped on his ass. But it doesn’t matter, you just keep cutting that rug like you own the damn house. With Jake by your side, this is probably the most epic thing that has ever happened.
***
You wake up, or at least you think you do. Your eyes are still closed and you are not even going to attempt to open them. Your head hurts . Big time. Your whole body hurts really. It’s a tour of hurt spanning from the throbbing behind your eyelids and around your dome, to the extravagant ache of your tummy from the ungodly amount of gummy worms and sweets you had, to even the soreness of your limbs from the sick moves you were busting. Man, being rad hurts. You kind of just lay there. You’re damned if you move and damned if you don’t. You try to recount last night but everything after the jig is a blur. You mean, the whole night was a neon vomit blur but after that sweet jig it all went downhill from there. You vaguely remember the crash. It sucked ass . You know at some point Dirk and Jake disappeared for a little bit and you partied by yourself but you honestly don’t care about that right now…but you will certainly ask Jake for details when you both pop back up from the monster hangover. Okay, time to get it together. You make an attempt to hopefully move but instead you just groan loudly.
“Mornin’.” You hear the familiar texan twang of a Strider. All you can muster is another loud groan, you’re lucky Dirk knows what you mean. He’s dealt with you enough during benders when you were still drinking. The dark ages if you will.
“It’s 2:33. There’s a cup of coffee for you on the counter when you’re ready.”
Damn, you sure are glad you didn’t make any plans today. You manage to peel your eyelids open. It stings to look around. You notice that the blanket fort you and Jake made is still standing. Awesome. You slowly roll your body off the floor into a sitting position. You see Jake slung onto the couch, like a melted crayon. You look at him for probably too long. Not in a longing way by any means. You are very much frog blinking trying to contemplate how much effort is worth it to exist right now. You lean forward and kiss Jake’s elbow and lean forward to crawl out of the fort. Oh god, now you have to stand. You know what, no. This is your house you can crawl if you please. You crawl to one of the chairs in the kitchen and manage to pull yourself up to sit in it properly. There is a nice warm cup of coffee in front of you. Thank gob Dirk made it black, anything else might’ve made you hurl.
“Diiiiirrrrrrk, I need Advil stat,”
“Already on the table,”
You look up from your mug and realize that some pre-portioned Advil lay on the table.
“Dirk this is why I love you,” You pop the medicine in your mouth and take a big gulp of coffee. You just…sit there, eyes closed. You’re readjusting yourself to the world of the waking.
“I know it’s not gonna sound good but I’m making us breakfast to get something in your stomach that isn’t just coffee or gummy worms, and yes you have to at least eat a little. I don't wanna hear your guff.”
You don’t even huff you just nod your still sore head. You know this is for your benefit so no point in fighting it. You finally open your eyes.
“Dirk I really thought Jane would be the mom friend whenever we all met but who knew it would be you.”
Dirk pulls out the carton of eggs and package of bacon.
“Is it the mom friend if I’m really just trying to make sure none of you die?”
“Yes that’s literally what a mom does, at least I think that’s what they’re supposed to do.”
“Well shit then.”
You sit there while Dirk makes breakfast, or you guess really lunch now. The Advil is now doing wonders to your head (not that you’ve had any complaints hehe) but your body is still overall sore. You don’t attempt to talk and Dirk doesn’t attempt to talk to you. The silence makes you feel comfortable rather than afraid like it used to. You like the life all of you have built. You worked hard for it damnit. Amidst the sounds of cooking and overall quietness you hear Jake snoring in the fort. Was he always doing that? If he was, it did not wake you up. At all. You slept like a rock thrown into the ocean under the titanic. Dirk puts a plate in the microwave and two plates on the table. You chirp out a quick thank you and start to devour your plate. Dang you really thought you wouldn’t be able to eat but apparently a dinner consisting only of gummy worms leaves a gal hungry. You take a second to breathe, not wanting to upset your stomach further by eating too fast. You also take a moment to see something.
“Wait a damn minute-”
There is an eyesore of a bruise on Dirk’s neck.
“Dirk. Mother Fucking. Strider. Is that a goddamn hickey on your neck!”
Dirk seems unphased, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,”
You reach out to poke it but he leans back before you can.
“It totally is you filthy dog!!” You can’t help but say loudly, cackling as you do.
“Nmmmm too loud…” You hear from the blanket fort. You bounce up (gently ofc) and march your way to the fort. You lift up the entrance flap and holler. “Did you see the massive thing you left on Dirk’s neck?!”
“Hmmm what?” Jake lost his glasses somewhere along the way and is squinting like he’s having a hard time seeing. It reminds you of Velma from Scooby Doo.
“That leech mark on Di-...Oh my gob.” Jake moves his arm and you can see the dozens of hickeys left on him. You can’t help but laugh. This is fucking gold.
“Were you trying to find an artery to suck his blood? Jegus Dirk.”
Dirk takes a long sip from his coffee, “no comment.”
“Ugh you freaking hypocrite, I can’t make out with Jake but you can do that to him?”
Dirk takes another long sip of his coffee, looks up at you, and fucking SHRUGS. This asshole.
You turn back to the fort, “Jake get up we gotta do the juju again so we can makeout.”
“Nghhhh nooooooo, can’t we just makeout normally?”
“Yea but we already do that as is I wanna do it while we’re buzzin’”
Jake rolls off the couch and falls with a large thump to the floor.
A muffled Jake responds, “okay, but I need a month before I can do that again…maybe four,”
“Fiiiineeee,” you return to the table and glare at Dirk.
“Whore,”
“Kettle calling the pot black,”
You snort and return to your unattended breakfast.