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It's a summer evening at the end of July. Sticky and warm and James is in his room. He's made a dress from an old robe, it's a plain black thing with no embellishments. But somehow that's enough. It sits flat on his chest, and his lanky 16-year-old frame makes it look ridiculous. With his knobbly knees and the thick dark hair on his calves, he looks every bit like a boy in a dress. It feels silly.
He stands in front of the mirror and plays around with a few cosmetic charms he's read about in books. They're only illusions, no more than a glamour. His hair brushes his shoulders rather than his ears. He's added a little something to his chest, nothing overboard, he doesn't want that nor does he think it'd suit him. Looking in the mirror, he thinks that could be a girl. That girl is him. He's that girl. He's a girl. Something flicks over in his chest.
He doesn't hear the opening of the door but he does see Sirius's reflection in the mirror and turns, wide-eyed. Sirius rushes to close the door. James kind of just sinks to the floor where he is. Sirius lays down next to him and doesn't say a word.
Moments pass, the only sounds are the ticking of the clock in James's room and each other's breaths. He fiddles with the rug. In a weak voice, he says,
"I think I'm a girl." He hadn't even admitted it to himself yet, but saying it aloud has a finality to it and the words feel right in his mouth. He is a girl. It warms him and it feels like warm sticky honey.
"How'd you mean?"
"I don't know." He pulls himself up into a sitting position. Bringing his knees to his chest, the skirt of the dress pools at his waist but does nothing to cover himself up. He's in his pants and Sirius has seen him naked before so he makes no move to adjust it.
"Don't you think it's weird?"
"I don't see why it should be." Sirius shifts and sits up next to him, scratching the back of his neck.
"What's made you think this anyways?"
"I'm a Doe." It's not an explanation but at the same time, it's all he needs to say. They'd all completed the Animagus transformation earlier in the year, before summer. Peter is a rat, Sirius is a dog and James is a doe. A female deer, that confused him. He wonders if he'd have noticed at all if there wasn't such a strong distinction between a stag and a doe. The lack of antlers was very telling.
"I did some research y'know?" Oh, he had spent hours hunched over books late at night. Autobiographical works about people who had completed the transformation. He only found one case like him, Lucille Carter.
"A woman named Lucille in the 19th century... She became an animagus and it was a female creature... She used Magic to change herself and died a woman after living as a man."
It was fascinating, Wixen doesn't often use magic to drastically change their appearances, that's why glamours have to be used moderately. Permanent changes are usually frowned upon. Lucille sent him down a rabbit hole of gender discovery, he doesn't say this aloud.
"Doesn't mean it's the same for you James." He appreciates Sirius's input because he's right. It doesn't mean it's the same but if it weren't then why does he feel this way? Why does he feel like he's drowning in that warm sticky honey feeling when he thinks of being seen as a girl?
"I know... but I think it is." The clock ticks and Janes breathes in and holds his breath.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"That's okay." He lets it go.
Sirius reaches out and holds his hand, pulls him in for a hug and James can't help the tears that start. He's choking on sobs and Sirius just holds him all the while. Afterwards, when the tears are all gone and his face is covered in dry salt tracks, Sirius pulls him to his feet and all but drags him into the bathroom, gets him to sit on the toilet and quickly wets a soft cloth under the tap.
"I don't care about it Jamie, Honest." He takes off James's glasses and uses the cloth to gently wash his face. "One of our best friends is a werewolf. You being a girl is nothing compared to that." James can't help it, he laughs and Sirius smiles.
"You're right."
"So what will you do?"
James hadn't thought that far ahead. How would he even begin to explain this to his parents? It's not every day your son tells you he's your daughter instead. Tears gently slide down his face. The warm sticky honey has turned sour and bitter burnt.
"Hey hey hey, Where'd you go?"
"What if my parents hate me?"
Sirius scoffs, "Are you kidding?"
"Effie and Monty love you so much. You know they struggled to have you. You know they spoil you like mad. Hell, they even spoil me on occasion. Why would they hate you for this?"
His parents do love him, and he will admit to being spoiled ridiculously. That much is true. But that doesn't stop him from considering the possibility that they wouldn't. He doesn't know what he would do.
"C'mon, let's leave it for now. We can talk about it again later."
Sirius picks up his glasses and presses them into his hand, he quickly puts them on. Back in his bedroom, he remembers the charms are still in place. Sirius stands beside him. They meet each other's eyes in the reflection.
"You look beautiful Jamie." Merlin, James could cry again. He cancels the charms and Sirius finds him clothes to wear. The dress comes off and he almost transfigures it back but Sirius stops him.
"Keep it. For sentimentality or whatever."
It makes him smile, so he folds it and puts it away. Dressed in pajamas he lays down next to Sirius on his admittedly large bed. They don't talk in the end.
It's August before he talks to his parents. When he does he's nervous and he can't stop bouncing his leg. Sirius is there and of course, his parents are fine with it. It's like a weight off his shoulders and he fights the urge to cry.
(He loses.)
Then they're discussing potions and Hogwarts and James is smiling like a madman. They write to Headmaster Dumbledore, of course, informing him of the changes and requesting to be moved dorms. All of which are graciously accepted.
When she arrives at Kings Cross to board the train, it's with a different haircut, an entirely new wardrobe in her trunk and instructions to take her potions every Monday.
The potions are designed to slowly change minor aspects of her body. Being Wixen means these changes are faster and different than if she were to take muggle-prescribed hormones. Over time, they'll smoothen out her jaw and Adams's apple. Her voice will change slightly too. She's stuck with her height, but being a 5ft 8 woman is hardly a bad thing. Her chest is still abysmally flat, but the Healers say that in time that'll change. And to be fair she has only taken one potion so far.
She boards the train and enters the nearest empty compartment with Sirius in tow. Hoisting her trunk up into the overhead rack and putting her smaller bag with her uniform down next to her when she sits. A few minutes later, Remus and Peter join them. There's a new silvery-pink scar jutting through his eyebrow, narrowly missing his eye, Jamie winces.
The train journey drags on, they probably could make it faster with magic but like this it gives the first years a chance to make friends. They chat about what they all got up to over the summer and Jamie explains all her potions and how she won't be sleeping in the dorms with them anymore.
"I don't know if I'll be able to sneak out with you guys to the willow. The other girls might notice I'm gone."
Before, it was just Jamie, Peter, Remus and Sirius in one dorm and the rest of the Gryffindor boys of their year in another. So no one noticed that they weren't in the bed the few times they had run with Moony.
"It's fine, honestly it's probably safer."
"Yeah, but I feel bad-"
"Don't."
"Fine fine but I'm giving you guys the cloak for the moons."
When they are beginning to make their way into Scotland, the prefects are called to their meeting with the Heads of Houses and the Head Students. Leaving Jamie, Peter and Sirius to talk amongst themselves. Sometime later, they announce the train will be arriving in Hogsmeade shortly and that all students should change into their uniforms. Remus returns shortly after. She grabs her bag with her uniform in it and turns to leave.
"Right, I'm leaving to go get changed. See you in a bit."
She closes the blind on the door and leaves, searching for an empty compartment to no avail. She watches a few girls enter one and gently knocks on the door.
"Excuse me? Can I get changed here?"
One of the girls inside opens the door a small amount,
"Potter?" She looks confused. "Why aren't you getting changed with Black and Lupin?"
"Because I'd rather not change in front of a bunch of boys? I understand if you don't want me in there though."
"Nah, it's fine. Come in." She turns around for a moment.
"Are you girls decent enough? Potters coming in."
"Potter? What's he doing here?" Jamie grimaces. She keeps forgetting not everyone knows.
"She." She might as well have hissed it. "Don't you remember? We got letters about someone new in the dorm!"
"Oh shit, Sorry Potter."
"Come in, quick the train will pull in soon."
Jamie enters, and each of the girls is in a state of undress. She recognises the girl from the door as Mary MacDonald, dressed only from the waist down, her white bra contrasting with her dark skin. Lily Evans is in the corner buttoning up her shirt another girl Jamie can't recall the name of finishes getting dressed and squeezes past to leave.
She quickly places her bag down and opens it then quickly strips off her jumper and blouse leaving her in the white vest she wore underneath. She grabs her school shirt and throws it on and quickly does the buttons up.
She kicks off her shoes and then finds her skirt and shoves it on over her trousers and does up the side zip, reaching under it to unbutton her trousers and pull them down. She wore her tights under her trousers for the sake of convenience.
She quickly ties her tie and pulls on her jumper, followed by the plain grey blazer that is part of the uniform but no one wears it. It's all brand new, her skirt pleats are the neatest they'll ever be, and the shirt has never seen a crease. Grabbing her new shoes from her bag she slips them on before folding her other clothes and putting them inside the bag and then throwing her robe on over the top.
Once dressed, Lily and Mary stay in the compartment but Jamie leaves. When Jamie gets back to the boys, the blind is open again and she can see that despite Jamie being sure she took longer than she usually does, only Remus is completely dressed. He's even decided to read a book. Meanwhile, Sirius has his shirt on but not buttoned, she can see Remus sneaking glances so maybe he isn't reading after all. Peter on the other hand can't seem to find his tie.
The train pulls into the station and the boys scramble to get ready, Jamie enters the compartment and puts her bag down.
"How is it that you guys aren't ready yet? I'm gonna head out. I'll see you at the feast." She turns to leave but Remus quickly closes his book and stands.
"Wait, I'll join you."
She and Remus leave Sirius and Peter to it and head towards an exit. Outside, Hagrid is calling the First Years over to the boats as always and the Head Students are leading everyone else to the horseless carriages. She and Remus board one and are shortly joined by Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald.
"Oh! Hello again." Mary's words are followed by a chorus, albeit a short one, of 'Hello's and 'How are you?'s and other pleasantries.
"Sorry, um... What do we call you now?" She can hear the nervous curiosity in Lily's voice. It's a fair enough question.
"Just Jamie will do." She smiles. She hasn't given her name much thought. People have called her Jamie before and she's liked it so it'll do.
"I'll be in the girl's dorm, presumably with you guys? I heard you mention it on the train..."
"Yeah! We had letters saying that we'd be getting a new roommate, they just didn't state who or why."
"Oh, well. Now you know."
The carriage arrives just outside the entrance hall and they quickly disembark. They always arrive before the First Years and the Great Hall is practically half empty when they enter. The four of them quickly find space on one of the benches at the Gryffindor table.
The rest of the benches fill up shortly after, Sirius and Peter squeezing in across from her and Remus. Professor McGonagall strides down the hall from her seat at the Head Table and heads towards the small side door. Moments later, she re-enters through the large wooden doors, the first years trailing behind. She smiles at their exclamations of awe and surprise.
Professor McGonagall reaches the dais at the front, where the hat and stool wait. The sorting hat bursts into song then, once it has finished and the applause has ended, Professor McGonagall calls up the first name. It's tedious and takes nearly an hour. When it's over, Headmaster Dumbledore says his supposedly wise yet nonsensical words and warnings then at last, the dishes on the table fill with food and the hall is filled with the scraping of utensils on plates and the chewing food.
When everyone has eaten their fill, Remus and the other Prefects start to lead the houses to their common room. First years at the front of the crowd. As they travel through the halls and up the stairs, a handful of the First Years point and almost shout at the moving portraits.
They finally reach the common room and the first years stare around in awe once again, there are about a dozen of them this year with more girls than boys. Remus points them towards the dorms and they all rush to head up. Jamie doesn't blame them, it's been a long day and most of these kids have probably been up since the early hours bubbling with excitement and it's got to be nearly 9 pm by now. Jamies utterly exhausted herself.
She excuses herself and heads up to the dorms herself. Though there is a bit of a queue. The staircase is narrow and there's only one of them. She finds her dorm quickly enough and enters. She spots her bed immediately, recognising her trunk and her bag from earlier.
The other girls don't come up immediately, so Jamie starts to unpack her things. Hanging her robes and putting her clothes away. Placing her books on the small shelf provided that sits over the chest of drawers.
Later, she's joined by Mary, Lily and another girl who she can't remember the name of but not the same girl from the train. Lily has the bed second to the door, and Mary has the one between her and Lily. The bed by the door goes to the other girl.
"Ursula? You okay with the bed by the door?" Hopefully, she'll remember her name this time. The girl in question nods quickly.
One by one, they each go into the bathroom, wash up and change into their pajamas. They each settle into their beds and the lamps around the room go out on their own accord. Soon enough they're all fast asleep.
When Jamie wakes it's to sunlight streaming through the windows and the gaps in the curtains around her bed. She decides it's going to be a good year.