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All’s well that ends well to end up with you.
Eddie traces the chain around his neck, holding the St. Christopher medal between his thumb and forefinger before reaching for the other piece of metal looped onto it, he lets the ring slide over the tip of his finger.
Eddie twists it around, watching as it spins under the harsh light above him, leaning back against the row of lockers — Eddie studies it. It’s so different to the ring that he picked out for Shannon, constricted by the mindset that they were so young, too young for marriage, too young to be parents and not having nearly enough money to pick out something he felt like she deserved.
She had loved it, just like she had loved him.
It’s a simple band, silver and reflects the light nicely. This time around had felt different, it’s not that Eddie went in with the intention to actually buy the ring there and then, this time he had time to consider all of the different options but he’d seen it in the display case— far right, top corner and just knew.
Loving Buck is different to how Eddie ever thought love could feel like, it’s breathless, it’s exciting, it’s a never-ending adventure. It’s Eddie whenever he’s freefalling and just when he anticipates the crash on impact — Buck is there, holding him up, keeping him afloat. Loving Buck is the simplest thing in the world for Eddie, simpler than breathing.
A part of him asks himself what he’s done to deserve someone like Buck, how he managed to let Buck stumble into his life and stake a claim on him, his best friend, the one person in the world — other than Christopher — who losing would be the closest to dying Eddie thinks he could feel without actually dying.
Eddie thinks this is what love is supposed to feel like; his chest aching when he thinks about his boyfriend, his heart rate spiking when Buck does something as simple as fucking smile at him — even after the years they’ve been together, how Eddie can become so undone with a simple word, a gentle look.
Eddie thinks marriage should terrify him. He thinks that he should feel nervous, that his hands should start shaking whenever the thought crosses his mind — actually uttering the words will you marry me? The possibility, albeit small, that Buck will turn him down, that Eddie is too ahead of himself, that he’s the one trying to rush things only to set himself up to smack back to reality harshly, left alone to pick up the pieces of his heart that are still in the process of being put back together.
It doesn’t scare him though, not even for a second.
Eddie tucks the chain underneath his shirt when he hears the sounds of footsteps starting to approach — Buck’s voice the loudest of them all and he leaves the locker room falling into step with his boyfriend, Ravi and Hen almost immediately.
Buck knocks against his shoulder, the corners of his mouth pulling upwards in a secret (not-so-secret anymore, mind you) smile that’s reserved for Eddie only, reaching into the small gap between their hands and Buck letting his fingers dance along the tips of Eddie’s, squeezing his hand twice.
They have forgone the need to hide their relationship around the rest of the 118 by now - not that it was ever much of a secret to begin with — stolen stares that the others could see across the room, lingering touches in hidden corners that weren’t that well hidden. Eddie hadn’t cared when it had been Ravi to call out for everybody to pay up after Hen had caught Eddie pressed up against the lockers, Buck’s lips attached to his neck.
He hadn’t cared because Buck’s cheeks were tight with the bright smile on his face, nose and eyes scrunched up as he’d laughed at something Chimney had said — watching him begrudgingly hand over the money to Ravi before sliding closer to Eddie — erasing the last shred of space between them.
Eddie hadn’t cared because Buck had slid his arm around his shoulders and was flicking the hem of his shirt sleeve, the imprint of Buck’s smile against the base of Eddie’s neck when he burrowed his face there after Hen had taken the opportunity to tease them over the compromising position their game was given up in.
Dropping onto the couch — Bobby and Chimney are in the kitchen, the latter hovering over Cap’s shoulder as Bobby cooks lunch, mentions something about basil and shoos Chimney around the other side of the island.
Eddie looks up just as Buck carefully steps over his stretched out legs and falls into the open space beside him and shifts around until his back is pressed up against Eddie’s chest and he’s almost certain that Buck can feel the slight escalation of his heart rate.
Eddie traces Buck’s arm, his nails dragging along his skin causing Buck to squirm underneath the touch but he doesn’t pull away and instead just pushes back against Eddie, the softest of sighs escaping his lips.
“I love you.” Is murmured into the skin at the base of Buck’s neck, Eddie sliding his arm across the back of the couch,
His hand is squeezed twice in return, a whispered love you too becoming lost in the sound of plates being placed down on the dining table.
***
Buck breathes heavily, cheeks flushed red and deepening by the second, his hand flat against Eddie’s bare chest, fingers splayed and he’s twisting the medal between his fingers, the ring at the back of Eddie’s neck, hidden from sight.
Beads of sweat are lining across Buck’s hairline but there’s a stupidly, dumb smile that lazily pulls at the corners of his mouth as he pushes his face into Eddie’s neck, lowering his hand until he can curl his fingers around his boyfriend’s hip, kissing his collarbone, breathing him in, letting the tension roll off his body.
Eddie kisses him, he kisses him like he has the ability to freeze time forever and keep them locked up in this moment, away from the world, away from their real lives that are waiting for them and just being able to take in each other.
The kisses are languid, gentle presses of their open mouths together as Buck’s hands glide through Eddie’s hair, smiling against his lips.
Quiet moments are hard to come by but when they do — Eddie will be damned if he lets them go by, lost in the way that he feels under Buck’s stare, intense and how he manages to twist Eddie’s insides until they’re flipped upside down, an overwhelming feeling of safety when they’re lying here, wrapped up in each other’s arms.
Buck falls still, head resting on Eddie’s chest right above his heart, hearing it beat against his ear as he moves his hand to tangle their fingers together once more, letting their joined hands hover in the air, underneath the warm light that the bedside table lamp is emitting.
“What was it like being married? Before everything went… downhill.” Buck asks but he sounds uncertain, his grip on Eddie’s hand tightening as he lowers them to rest in the middle of them, he’s quiet and doesn’t look in his boyfriend’s direction, feeling like the answer is a sacred secret that he has no business knowing or understanding.
Eddie’s heart skips a beat. Almost instinctively, maybe subconsciously, a smile pulls at the corners of his mouth, something sad, something unexplainable, a twang of sorrow plummeting to his stomach.
It was hard — navigating something that they were too young to know the intricacies of, neither of them naive enough to know that their marriage would be smooth sailing but holding onto the foolish hope that they could make it work, that their school love could have lasted.
Buck watches his face, watches how Eddie’s facial expression contorts into something uncomfortable, to a fondness with an underlying lace of sadness to nothing.
Buck’s perceptions of love, of marriage have always been warped. His parents were so locked into their grief that they were drowning underneath the pressure of attempting to raise him and Maddie that their marriage was essentially whittled down to what it was - a piece of paper. Maddie’s marriage to Doug — Buck thinks it doesn’t bear thinking about, a flurry of anger rushing through his veins, eyebrows pulled together and he’s glaring at a piece of plaster on the wall of their bedroom that’s starting to chip away.
Eddie’s thumb brushing across the space between Buck’s eyebrows is what brings him back, brings him down from the burn of fury that rises in his throat.
“What was it like?” Buck asks again but this time his voice is hushed, barely audible, a whisper into the sanctuary of their bed and the blankets that are pooled at their waists. “Baby,” Buck murmurs, tracing the curve of Eddie’s jaw, nails scratching against his skin as he brings their faces together, rests their heads against each other and captures Eddie’s mouth in another kiss that makes his heart burst with a love that he knows he will never tire of.
“Good.” Eddie tells him, because it was at first.
The word hangs between them for a moment and Eddie almost asks Buck why he’s brought it up, it’s not the first time that they have talked about Shannon over the course of their relationship and they know it’s not going to be the last. It is the first time in a while that they haven’t mentioned Christopher in the same breath though.
“I think I’d like to get married one day.” Buck murmurs into the space between them,
Eddie becomes suddenly all too aware of the ring that’s pushing into the back of his shoulder blade and wonders if Buck can feel how hard his heart is rattling against his chest, he wonders what Buck would say if he just asked him now.
He thinks about that look of surprise on Buck’s face, how the confusion would be etched across his face before the realisation would set in, he thinks about how a smile would fight its way out, how he’d shine brighter than all of the stars in the sky. Eddie thinks about how Buck might kiss him first before he answers, how he’d look incredulously at Eddie and ask him what do you think? when Eddie asks him if that’s a yes.
He doesn’t.
He almost does.
***
As it happens — Eddie almost proposes at the zoo.
They have been here for nearly three hours, battling through the crowds of families that are swarming every corner of the zoo on a Saturday afternoon. They started at the aquarium and made their way to the reptile house and now the giraffe enclosure with them gloriously towering over their heads.
He’s trailing behind both Buck and Christopher, the two of them stopping at every single enclosure, leaning against the fences and the glass and taking turns to tell the other the most interesting fact about that particular animal that they know and when Christopher throws his head back laughing at something Buck says to him —
— Eddie thinks he falls in love all over again.
Eddie’s always been grateful for the bond that Buck and Christopher had even long before he realised that he was more than just a tiny bit in love with his best friend. Moving to Los Angeles had already been a huge move, taking Christopher away from everything that he knew.
Eddie was overwhelmed but he never would have admitted it.
Only, he did, sort of. Buck brought Carla into their lives, Buck brought the 118 into Christopher’s life and made him feel like he was a part of something special in a brand new city. In hindsight, Eddie should have realised a lot quicker that his feelings for Buck were deeper than the surface-level gratitude he felt for him.
“Baby-” Buck calls out, stopping and turning around once he realises that Eddie’s stopped further back, lost in his own thoughts. “- What’s up?” Buck asks, sliding his hand through Eddie’s, rubbing his thumb across the back of his hand.
The words are right there, sitting dangerously on the tip of his tongue and the ring feels heavy around his neck, burning a hole against his chest and Eddie thinks he’s going to ask, thinks that this is the moment —
“Dad?” Christopher’s voice interrupts, “can we go and see the lions now?”
“Sure we can, bud.” Eddie smiles at him and figures it’s probably a bad time anyway, the thought of a public proposal being nothing short of Eddie’s worst nightmare.
The lions are followed by the tigers and the panthers and the jaguars before they find an empty table outside of the gift shop to take a break. Eddie is shielding his eyes from the sun and they’re hiding away from a birthday party of at least twenty kids with balloon animal hats that are chasing each other down one of the winding paths towards the elephants.
“Hey, bud.” Eddie says, swallowing thickly and leaning forward on his elbows as Christopher turns around from where he’s staring at the penguins across the way.
Buying the ring had been such an impulsive decision that Eddie still hasn’t talked about it with his son, hasn’t shown him the ring, and wonders if Christopher would even be okay with him marrying Buck.
Eddie pulls the chain from around his neck and grips the ring in his palm before extending his hand towards his son and opening it up, holding the ring in front of Christopher.
“Are you going to ask Buck to marry you?” He asks before Eddie can say anything,
“I’m going to, if that’s okay with you. Is it?” Eddie asks him, worrying his lip between his teeth, looking across to the small cafe next door to the gift shop to keep his eye out for Buck.
Whilst it hasn’t been just Eddie and Christopher for a long time — in the construct of their family, it still is. Eddie dating Buck is one thing, a thing that Christopher is more than okay with — taking the next step, bringing Buck into their family as a permanent fixture, as his husband, as the person Eddie is certain he wants to still be married to when he’s eighty, is something that Eddie doesn’t want to have ruin what the three of them have going on.
Christopher tilts his head to the side and studies the nervousness that Eddie’s fighting to hide but then he’s smiling in his dad’s direction and uttering the word finally with such an essence of cheekiness about him that Eddie can’t help the way he dissolves into a fit of laughter.
“You should do it, dad. We should be a family.”
It’s everything that Eddie needs to hear and more that he could almost cry.
Eddie sees Buck exit the cafe with their drinks and goes to slide the chain back around his neck, tucking it under his shirt when it flies out of his hand, one of the kids wearing an alligator balloon hat running into Eddie and knocking against his shoulder.
The chain lands in one of the flower beds on top of some of the gravel as the kid runs away like nothing happened to rejoin his group of friends. Eddie kneels down in front of it to grab the chain, wrapping it around his hand twice before turning around and realising that Buck is back at the table and looking at him with his eyebrows pulled together, almost amusedly.
No, he’s definitely fighting back the urge to smile at him, maybe stupidly, definitely fondly, a tenderness curving in the corners of his eyes.
“Are you going to ask me to marry you?” Buck asks,
It’s only then does Eddie realise he’s actually down on one knee, ring technically in his hand — something that Christopher finds hilarious from where he’s sitting but he doesn’t say anything, Eddie hesitates,
Will you marry me? Eddie looks around and feels the question sting the tip of his tongue, desperately, perilously, waiting to be asked —
Eddie jumps to his feet like he’s been burnt, awkwardly dusting off his jeans and retaking his seat, pulling his drink from the holder at the end of the table.
“You should be so lucky, Buckley.” Eddie jokes, the words coming out in a desperate, anxious rush of nerves that he’s failing to hide, shielding his eyes from the sun as he looks up to his boyfriend.
He slides the necklace back on when Buck isn’t looking and lets the cool metal sink against his chest but it does nothing to erase how hot and sweaty he feels under the sweltering sun.
“Yeah-” Buck breathes out fondly, “- I would.” He whispers with a quick press of his lips to the side of Eddie’s hair.
***
Eddie knows his job is dangerous. He fucking knows that. He just sometimes forgets how dangerous it can be.
The fire bursts through another apartment in the block, shattering the windows as the glass rains down to the ground, everybody moving back as the shards hit the street. Hen passes Eddie with a woman under her arm, blood trickling from her hairline as Eddie shouts Cap’s name over his shoulder knowing they need to approach this from a different angle.
Eddie climbs the ladder, one foot on the window ledge as he exchanges instructions with Ravi, their voices straining over the sound of the fire crackling and hissing through the broken windows into the open air.
It’s treacherous, unsteady and Eddie shouts Buck’s name through the window — they need to take it carefully, one wrong move and the entire structure shifts with possibly catastrophic repercussions.
Bobby is at the bottom near the entrance of the building, Eddie can see him and Ravi is to his left, all of them knowing their positions and what they have to do. The second hose is fed forward, the water spraying through the space, smashing the remaining pieces of glass that are clinging to the window frames.
Once it becomes clear enough, Eddie moves off the ladder planting his foot firmly on the window ledge, freezing when it starts to buckle under the pressure before he grabs the sides of the frame and hauls himself up and through the window into the smoking room, ash blurring the room in front of him immediately.
The ledge breaks off and tumbles to the ground but that doesn’t matter now.
“Diaz.” Bobby’s voice crackles through the radio, “Eddie, come in.” Bobby calls through again, his voice strained.
“Yeah, I’m good.” Eddie radios back, “I’m going to keep going!”
He finds the young woman who was shouting for help at the window before it cracked against the pressure, hooking his arm under hers and lifting her as carefully as he can to her feet, her head lolling to the side against him as he carefully steps over debris that’s fallen from the ceiling to the window, helping her out and to Ravi with Hen waiting halfway down the ladder.
Locating Buck is harder than Eddie thinks it’s going to be, having not answered the last few radio calls — Eddie desperately tries to push the lingering thoughts out of the back of his mind. Even worse so when Bobby radios again asking for his status and receiving nothing in return.
Until,
“I need help, Bobby, anyone.”
Eddie hears it, not through the radio, he hears Buck’s voice from nearby and climbs over fallen debris in the hallway, dodging the dust and pieces of plaster from the ceiling that tumble down as the fire continues to be hosed down.
He’s running down the hallway, boots slamming against an already unstable flooring calling out Buck’s name before his brain has a chance to catch up, he’s skidding to halts and checking every open apartment until he sees Buck, sitting on the ground, hidden behind a fallen cabinet clutching his radio in his hand and muttering fuck repeatedly under his breath.
“Buck.” Eddie breathes out, his heart bursting out of his chest, every single fear that Eddie pushed away to be able to do his job comes racing to the front of his mind, his heart worn on his face as he crumbles at the sight of his boyfriend pressed up against the wall. “Hey, hey, I’m here.”
The fire has mostly been put out and Buck lifts his head gingerly when he hears Eddie a devastating few metres away from him, too far to reach for him and he can only wait as Eddie carefully manoeuvres over the cabinet, dropping to his knees in front of Buck. Eddie grips his radio and calls for help.
“What happened?”
Buck motions to the cabinet falling from the floor above, pointing to the hole in the ceiling and how it came crashing towards him, how there was barely a second before it dropped and crushed him completely.
Eddie cradles Buck’s head between his hands, tears stinging the corners of his eyes as he looks at Buck, the fear that’s been curling in his chest, around his heart, causing his hands to shake starts to dissipate when Buck laughs, coughs and mumbles the words,
“You didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily, did you?”
Eddie has the right mind to throttle him for the comment but he can’t, can’t bring himself to do anything other than fall back as Hen and Chimney’s voices can be heard behind them, his hand curling around Buck’s knee.
Buck keeps insisting he’s fine much to Hen’s chagrin and if he wasn’t injured, she might smack him on the upside of the head for being as exceptionally annoying as he is, Eddie trails after them, a heaviness still sitting at the base of his throat as he walks out of the building and into the night, stopping underneath one of the street lamps.
Eddie isn’t stupid, he knows that every day they risk their lives for the sake of others but those few moments that felt like hours, the anxious burn that rose in his throat at the silence on the other end of the radio, at Eddie calling Buck’s name felt dizzying, terrifying and Eddie isn’t sure he’s even realised that Buck is there, a few paces ahead of him and okay, or at least as okay as he can be.
Eddie jogs to catch up with them, laces his fingers through Buck’s and looks at him, really fucking looks at him as he exhales a shaky breath,
“Don’t do that to me again.” Eddie tries to jokingly threaten but it falls flat and scared and he fails at hiding the fear that rises throughout his entire body, clutching their joined hands close to his chest, to his heart. “I mean it, Buck.”
Buck opens his mouth to make a joke back, to try and ease some of the tension that’s contorted onto Eddie’s face but instead he just brings their hands to him and kisses the back of Eddie’s, an action that starts to ease the distress heaving through his entire body.
Eddie is quiet when he opens the door after his shift, Buck still in hospital much to his own frustrations and the twenty messages he’s sent him between Eddie leaving the hospital and getting to his front door but he’s stuck there for a day longer at least.
Christopher calls out to him as soon as he’s shut the door and Eddie falls to his knees on the doormat, gripping the back of his son’s shirt and just exhaling deeply enough that his chest aches, a hand in Christopher’s hair and he tells him he loves him before telling him about Buck.
The ring on his necklace feels like it’s dragging Eddie down, drowning him under every built up hour of tension that the last day has taunted him with, the ring presses against his chest making it hard to breathe even though he knows Buck is fine, even though the doctors told both of them that he’s going to be discharged tomorrow and Buck had to force him out of the hospital to go home to be with Christopher, to sleep, to eat.
“Where’s Buck?” Christopher asks,
Eddie nearly cries.
Buck wraps Christopher in his arms when he comes home the following morning, sweeping him up into a hug and kissing his hair as he admits that he’s missed him more than anything.
Eddie knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help it — the anger that feels, he knows it’s irrational and a culmination of many things that have happened in the last forty eight hours but he is mad, not at himself, not even at Buck, he’s just angry.
Eddie hears Buck before he sees him, feels the way that he’s wrapped up in Buck’s arms and feels his boyfriend’s head against his shoulder, the way that his breath gently hits the groove of his neck where it meets his shoulder, inhales the scent of Buck’s aftershave — a sharp, very real reminder that he’s home.
Eddie wants to shout, scream and turn around at Buck and glare at him with stormy eyes as he asks his boyfriend what he thinks he was doing. He knows that he can’t, knows that he doesn’t actually care about any of that and that he can’t question Buck when it comes to work because no matter what the answer is — Eddie knows he will have done the same thing, that’s their job, it’s what they signed up for.
Eddie turns and curls himself further into Buck’s arms instead, wrapping his arms around him and gripping the back of his shirt, choosing to let the world around them sink away, drowning in the sound of the city alive outside of the windows and allowing themselves to relax into the relief that engulfs them.
“I love you.” Eddie says because it feels like the only thing worth saying.
“I love you too.” Buck promises, sliding his hands around Eddie’s neck, tracing his thumb across his jaw before leaning in and kissing him slowly, trying to convey his feelings into actions over words. “So much.”
Both of them know that they can’t promise the other that something won’t happen to them, neither of them know what their next day of work is going to bring but at this moment, they think they’ll be okay. They’re safe, Christopher is down the hall and they’re home,
It feels like it’s enough.
(It feels more than enough when Christopher settles into the middle of them later that night, curled up underneath the blanket that the three of them are struggling to share, watching whatever movie is on TV — Eddie not having the heart to split them up even when it passes his son’s bedtime).
***
It’s a Thursday when Eddie proposes.
It’s cloudy outside and the kitchen looks dull and dark in the early morning light when he staggers sleepily in, rubbing his eyes and fixing the collar of his t-shirt from where it’s twisted in his sleep.
It still surprises him sometimes — that he’ll get up early and still be beaten out by both Buck and Christopher who are already preparing breakfast, some cereal spilling over onto the table and Buck leaning against the counter drinking coffee.
“Good morning.” Buck smiles, voice still laced with sleep as he leans forward, a hand on Eddie’s hip and kisses him much to Christopher’s audible dismay.
Eddie takes the cup of coffee that Buck hands him and drops down to one of the chairs at the table taking a long sip of it, it’s still hot enough that it burns the back of his throat but he doesn’t care, he knows he needs it.
Buck is leaning over the chair that Christopher’s in, grabbing the box of cereal as he sets out two more bowls and lets Christopher pour it in, already reaching for the milk, it’s so simple, a staple of their carefully curated morning routine that’s become one of Eddie’s favourite times of day. He loves it, the soft, private moment in their home before the world and their lives call their names —
“Marry me.” Eddie says and the world around him stops,
Christopher is smiling between both of them but Buck is staring at Eddie like he can’t quite believe what he’s just said.
For a moment, Eddie feels his chest start to constrict and feels the panic starting to set in as the silence grows between them, the silence that’s only filled with the sound of the blood thumping in his ears, driving him crazy.
“What did you just say?” Buck asks but there’s a ghost of a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, his hands wrapping tighter around the carton of milk that he quickly puts down when he squeezes it too tightly.
Eddie swallows thickly and pulls the necklace from around his neck, unclasping it and letting the ring slide off it, holding it up for Buck to see.
“Marry me, Buck.”
Buck laughs and rounds the table, kneeling down in front of Eddie and he kisses him, hands gliding through his hair, murmuring the word yes against his mouth, the imprint of his smile against Eddie’s lips.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll marry you.” Buck breathes out in a short laugh of disbelief, a gentle puff of air as he takes the ring from Eddie and slides it onto his finger.
It’s only when Buck gets to his feet and studies the ring with a confused expression on his face does he turn to Eddie with his head tilted to the side and asks,
“How long has this been around your neck?”
Eddie looks at Christopher who looks back at him before they both laugh, sharing a secret that Buck doesn’t have to know the answer to.
Thursday goes on as normal; Christopher gets dropped off at school and Eddie and Buck go to work, both of them causing a stir with their infectious happiness and stupidly loving shared smiles within seconds of getting upstairs.
Bobby is the first one to notice the piece of silver on Buck’s hand, congratulating them in what becomes a chaotic and impromptu game of twenty questions that ends in heartwarming congratulations as Ravi ascends the stairs.
“You really need to stop winning these bets.” Chimney bemoans as soon as he sees him, leaning over the fence, confusion etched on Ravi’s face until the realisation settles in and he’s fist pumping the air. “Yeah, yeah, don’t rub it in” Chimney grumbles.
Eddie might have the decency to be offended that their relationship is once again the catalyst for another firehouse bet but when he turns to Buck, his fiancé is looking at him like he’s hung the stars and the moon in his eyes and truthfully, Eddie couldn’t care less about the money being exchanged just a few feet away from them.
He thinks about that part of him constantly left wondering about what he did to deserve someone like Buck, the part of him that in the dead of night when he wakes up to a body pressed up against his back spreading a secure, intimate warmth through his own but still paralysed by a fear that’s he locked in a nightmare he can’t wake up from and Buck isn’t actually his.
It’s not the melodramatic love that Eddie grew up watching on telenovelas with his abuela, it’s not the longing, the suffering and the cracks that led to the crash and burn of his marriage to Shannon. It’s simple, loving Buck will always be the simplest thing that Eddie’s ever done.
Looking up at Buck, the devotion to him in his eyes — Eddie realises that Buck truly loves him — something that he knows, sure, but that he not only agreed to marry him but wants to be with him for as long as life lets them.
“I love you.” Buck whispers, lacing their fingers together and pulling Eddie to him from where he’s leaning against the couch,
“I love you more, baby.” Eddie says to him, a promise that they’re going to repeat for the rest of their lives,
Rest of their lives, god, Eddie doesn’t think any words have ever sounded better.