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“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago… I have loved none but you.”
THE END
As the sun rose, Aziraphale closed the book he'd just finished and placed it on the small table next to the sofa, being careful not to move too much so as not to wake Crowley.
"Angel, can I stay with you tonight?"
He hadn't even considered refusing for a second.
Not after what they had just shared.
After all these thousands of years, they had finally realized that they were each other's happiness.
And most importantly, they had told each other so.
Aziraphale looked down at the red head on his lap.
He couldn't remember when Crowley had ended up on the sofa that evening, resting his head on Aziraphale's lap and falling asleep like that.
Things had definitely changed, and Aziraphale couldn't deny that he was a little afraid. Just a little.
Nothing new
He had been afraid of hurting people.
He had been afraid of upsetting them.
He had been afraid of not being enough.
But now he had only one fear: to hurt the being that was sleeping next to him.
Once again.
Crowley, who thought he wasn't good enough, when it was Aziraphale who felt like an endless failure.
As an angel.
As a friend.
He'd done so much damage thinking he was doing good.
Since the beginning of time.
He raised his hand to touch the red hair, but stopped a few inches short.
He clenched his fist.
Did he have the right to touch the one who had been the greatest victim of his blindness?
Did he have the right to lay a hand on the angel whose fall he had caused?
As the red-haired angel raved with infectious joy about what he had just created and explained to Aziraphale with enthusiasm, Aziraphale explained God's plans to him.
"The impression I get is that the stars and your um..."
The red-haired angel helped him continue, "Err, call it a nebula."
Aziraphale continued, "Right. Well, they exist just so that the people can look up into the night sky and marvel at the illimitable vastness of The Almighty's creation."
Looking at the other angel with a satisfied smile, he protested, "But that's idiocy!" and pointing to the infinite sky around them, he continued, "It's the universe, it's not just some fancy wallpaper! Millions of galaxies, trillions of stars, oodles of... everything! It's not just put here to twinkle!"
He turned to Aziraphale and added in the same disappointed tone,“Most of it won’t even be visible from Earth. Why don’t you put Earth in the middle of the universe so the view’s better?”
Aziraphale replied in a wise manner,“It’s not our job to advise The Almighty on the details of creation.”
The red-haired angel protested again,“Well, then whose job is it? I mean, someone has to say, Look, boss, this is a really, really terrible idea."
Aziraphale, though amused, replied seriously, “Well, I suspect that would be considered inappropriate.”
The other angel, still looking disappointed, replied stubbornly, “Well, I don’t suppose anyone could object to me putting a note into the suggestion box.”
Aziraphale answered him in the most serious, learned tone, “I don’t believe The Almighty has actually created a suggestion box. And furthermore, I don’t think it’s our place to start suggesting that there should be a suggestion box.”
The red-haired angel insisted, however, “Well, if I was the one running it all, I’d like it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view.”
Aziraphale, increasingly worried about the direction the conversation was taking, looked at him as he continued, "You can't just create a universe, run it for a few thousand years, and then stop.
Aziraphale tried to distract him by complimenting his creation with forced enthusiasm, "I like the pinky-blue bit in the corner of the, the nebula. Yes, it's very um, ah!"
Then a little more urgently, he turned to the red-haired angel again and added, wanting to convince him at all costs, "Um, but look, word to the wise, I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble."
And he meant it.
The other angel looked very nice, was talented, had created such beauty, and Aziraphale didn't want anything bad to happen to him.
The red-haired angel looked at the nebula with a gentle smile, then turned to Aziraphale and said in a friendly tone, "Mm, thanks for your help. And thanks for your advice," before adding confidently, "I wouldn't worry, though. How much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions?"
He turned back to the nebula and Aziraphale did the same. Together they watched the stars fall as the red-haired angel's wing unfolded over Aziraphale to protect him.
Metatron's words to Crowley came back to mind.
“Always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions, too.”
How much trouble can you get into just for asking a few questions?
Only one.
You fall.
Aziraphale gasped.
He had caused Crowley's downfall.
Aziraphale gasped again.
He had so much to repent for.
But this was perhaps his greatest sin.
"Angel? Are you all right?"
Lost in thought, he hadn't noticed that the demon had awakened and was now looking up at him from his lap, a worried look on his face.
Aziraphale, unable to meet the demon's gentle gaze, covered his face with his hands.
He felt the demon straighten up and his hands grab the angel's wrists, calling softly, "Angel, speak to me."
Crowley pulled the Angel's hands away from his face and repeated, ever so softly, "Aziraphale, tell me what's wrong, please."
Aziraphale tried to pull away, but Crowley held him tightly, his tone even more concerned as he insisted, "Angel! Talk to me!"
Aziraphale cried out, his voice breaking, "How? How can you stand to be here with me? How can you speak to me so kindly? How can you even look at me, knowing what I've done? It's my fault that you... it's... when..."
The Angel had to stop as the sobs threatened to suffocate him.
Crowley grabbed his shoulders, genuinely concerned, and asked, "I told you I forgave you last night, so explain, I don't understand."
Aziraphale swallowed several times before he could speak, "If... If I hadn't told you about God's plans that day, you... you wouldn't have questioned her and you wouldn't have fallen. It's all my fault. So how could you stand by my side all this time when it's because of me that..."
He stopped because Crowley had just put his finger over his mouth.
The demon said firmly, "Angel! Stop this at once! If I hadn't asked questions that day, I would have asked them later. You are not responsible for my downfall. No more than I am. The only ones who are responsible are those who tore me down because I dared to question God's plans. Not you. Not me. Just them. You haven't done anything wrong. Not for one tiny second of my entire existence did I blame you. I never did. I know that I said I was a demon. That it means I lie. But not to you. Not to you anymore. Tell me you believe me."
Aziraphale scanned Crowley's face for a few seconds, looking for the slightest trace of resentment, but seeing none on the demon's face, he nodded slowly.
The demon said softly, opening his arms, "Come here, angel.
Aziraphale snuggled up against him immediately as the demon wrapped his arms around him.
With his lips in the pale locks, Crowley said softly, "Good old-fashioned guilt. Your side's secret weapon. That's how they got you, up there. Don't eat that, don't drink that, don't ask questions, don't step out of line. You've heard it for so long, but it's all over. They don't have anything more to say to you. We're going to free you from this guilt, my angel. I want to see you open your wings, your real wings, and embrace life. I want to see you thrive. Even if it's just to see you borrow my Bentley or throw a ball for the neighborhood shopkeepers. I don't want to see you second-guessing yourself. Stop smiling because you think you shouldn't. I want to see you do what you think is right because you want to, without wondering if it's what Heaven intended. I want to see you reach out and take what you want."
Aziraphale nodded his head against Crowley's chest and whispered, "I want that, too."
Crowley grabbed the Angel's shoulders to pull him back a bit and said softly, "I know you want it. I saw it in your eyes the first time on the wall. When you felt guilty about giving away the flaming sword. I saw it when the flood took away the children. When you felt guilty although you had no responsibility. Whenever your own conscience overrode your angelic nature and made you thwart God's plans, I saw it."
The demon cupped Aziraphale's face in his hands and whispered against his lips, "You deserve to just live, angel. We both do, don't we?"
Aziraphale nodded and murmured, "Crowley."
"Yeah?"
Aziraphale said in a much clearer voice, "Kiss me."
The demon smiled softly and murmured, "Yes, angel, just like that. You just have to want and reach for it."
Then he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips to the angel's, happy to see him finally breaking his chains.
For good.