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Edward’s heart was beating feverishly. He could hardly hear the commotion going on behind him as he quickly made his way down the various halls and sharply turned the numerous corners. His fingertips itched; he was so close. They’ve been searching for days. All their hard work had brought them here and he would be damned if he was going to waste a single second more being away from him.
A firm hand gripped his shoulder, halting Ed in his tracks. Ed shoots a glare at the owner of the hand, ready to unleash hell on whoever dared to stop him from getting to him. To Roy. Hawkeye didn’t give Ed’s look a second thought. She put a single finger to her lips and signaled to one of the many wooden doors that stood before them. Edward gave her a sharp nod and allowed her to lead. When Hawkeye reached the door, it was unlocked. After clearing the room, Edward shoved past her and ran to the crumpled figure sitting against the far wall. Edward yelled Roy’s name as he fell to his knees in front of him.
Roy was still dressed in his military uniform, but the jacket was long gone. The crisp, white button-up he wore nearly every day was now stained red and brown. Ed didn't notice his hands shaking as he involuntarily and slowly reached out to Roy. Ed was just shy of touching what he believed to be Roy's cheeks when Hawkeye's commanding voice froze his movements.
“Don’t touch him! We don’t know where or how bad his injuries are.”
There was more commotion going on behind Ed. He wasn’t sure what was going on nor did he care. He was too in shock at what was in front of him: His handsome, self-assured general who almost seemed invincible at times was nothing more than an unconscious, bloody mess. Edward heard Hawkeye’s words but there was no way he could just sit there and do nothing. He had to get Roy to wake up. Ed had to let Roy know that he and the team had found him, Ed had to know that Roy was still –
Ed gripped the toes of Roy’s boots and shook them; he called out to him in an attempt to rouse him. Ed’s shaking started to become more frantic when Roy didn’t respond but he refused to stop. That’s when he heard it, Roy’s voice. It was barely audible, but Ed heard it.
".....heart?" That damn nickname that Roy had grown so fond of calling him. Roy’s voice is low and raspy like hadn’t had water in days. Roy doesn't lift his head or open his eyes.
"Yes! Yes! It's me, I’m here! Roy, stay awake! Don't leave me, please!"
There’s a small smile on Roy’s lips that Ed almost missed before he’s unconscious again. Panic rose in Ed’s chest. He tries desperately to get some kind of reaction out of Roy but all he gets in response is Roy’s limp body shaking in response. The world had gone fuzzy around the edges and the commotion behind him had turned into white noise. Nothing existed to Ed except for his bloody lover in front of him.
Edward slowly lifts his left hand, and he lightly places his palm on the center of Roy's chest fearing the worst.
There was no heartbeat.
Edward's eyes snapped open, and he awoke with a sharp gasp. His eyes frantically searched for – he wasn’t sure. He tried to control his erratic breathing and thunderous heartbeat, but it was a doomed effort. The feeling of absolute hopelessness, dread – the lack of a heartbeat... It felt like his insides were being ripped out and shoved through a meat grinder and he was forced to watch his organs turn to mush. The tears were inevitable. He had tried so hard to keep them at bay all this time, but he was starting to fray at the seams. His head was still muddled from sleep and as far as he knew, he was all alone. Ed covers his face with his hands and lets them fall.
"Ed?" Roy called; he could hear Ed’s sniffling from the kitchen. When he finally made his way to the living room and found Ed crying on the couch, it only made his worry increase. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
Edward couldn’t suppress his body jumping at Roy’s words. That word – a word that Ed used to hate so much but now he couldn’t live without it. Ed ripped his hands away from his face and looked up at Roy, kneeling beside the couch. Their eyes had only locked for a moment before Ed launched himself into Roy's arms. He buried his face into the crook of Roy’s neck and openly wailed.
Roy held on tightly despite their awkward angle. He didn’t shush Ed. He kept quiet and calmingly ran his fingers through Ed's loose hair and listened to the litany of "Don't leave me", "Please" and "Roy". Ed's fists were clenched tightly on the back of Roy's shirt, The automail coming close to ripping it. It was from those words that Roy was able to piece together the reason for Ed's sudden frantic behavior.
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Ed rested his head on the exposed skin on Roy’s chest, his eyes closed and with an ear pressed closely to take in every thud of Roy's heartbeat. Roy weaved his fingers through his lover's hair in a calming motion and they stayed there in silence. Dinner had been long forgotten at this point and the only sounds to be made were the occasional sniffle from Ed. He never moved his head from its place above Roy's heart.
"Ed?" Ed didn't respond, focusing solely on the other's heartbeat. "Sweetheart?"
Ed winced at the pet name. He didn't mean to, and he was doing so well with not showing Roy how much the endearment now rattled him.
Roy gently placed both of his hands on either of Ed's cheeks and angled his love to look at him. When Ed opened his eyes to look at Roy a pained look swept across his face. He had been awake for some time but the effects from the nightmare were still there. For an instant, he didn't see the now-healed Roy in front of him. All he saw was blood.
Roy's brows furrowed at Ed’s expression. With his hands still on Ed's face, Roy pleaded, "Please, talk to me. You've been acting strange ever since I was released from the hospital."
Ed still didn’t respond. How could he? How could he say that for the past few months, he'd hardly gotten any sleep because every time he closed his eyes, he saw a different ending and it was draining. The events either played out exactly how they happened: Ed and the team finding Roy unresponsive and getting him to the hospital just before he bled out, not making it to him in time, or what exactly happened tonight; just making it but not soon enough. It ripped him apart. So, Ed had decided that he would sleep when he was dead and devoted all his time to making sure Roy got better; that he stayed alive. His health and appetite had declined as a result but that didn't matter to him. As long as the love of his life was alive and healing, he could sacrifice a few meals and nights of sleep. He had done it for Alphonse when he had gotten his body back, and he could easily do it again.
"Talk to me." Roy's voice was a rough whisper, desperation in those coal eyes.
Ed closed his eyes and placed his head back where it belonged. "I'm fine." was all he said minutes later, his voice a little wet. He refused to cry again, dammit!
Roy wasn't letting up. If his earlier assumption was correct, then he knew exactly what had caused Edward to awake with such a reaction. He just needed to get his younger lover to admit it. Roy couldn’t recall exactly how Edward was acting while he was hospitalized because he was far too loopy from all the medication, he was on during his stay to remember anything more than a few fragments of events that may or may not have happened. With the drugs finally gone from his system, Roy began to notice the change in Edward the moment they came home.
"We're worried about you, Ed," Roy said quietly.
Roy couldn't see it, but he definitely felt Ed's jaw clench at the mention of Al and the team. Ed was aware that his poor health was becoming visible, but he didn't care. Roy was alive and he had to make sure it stayed that way.
"It's obvious you're hurting, and we just want to help you. Please, love." Begging was a rarity for Roy. Something he saved for only when it was needed. Ed's resolve finally broke.
Ed slowly opened his eyes, placed his automail on Roy's bare chest, lightly and idly traced one of the abundances of new scars on that beautifully, pale chest. After a few minutes of silence, Ed still hadn't said anything. Roy didn't want to pester him, but he honestly wanted to help Ed. Roy was well acquainted with Edward’s tendency to go overboard in his self-sacrificing and this definitely seemed like one of those times. Before Roy could probe further, Ed finally spoke.
"Whatever the kidnappers used on you gave you a pretty bad infection. Combine that with the amount of blood you lost… you kept going into shock." Ed’s wandering fingers had stopped.
Roy couldn’t see Edward’s face, but he knew by the far-off tone in his voice that Ed wasn’t talking directly to him. It sounded as if Ed was reliving each part of the story, he retold to Roy like he didn’t have a choice if the visions came to him or not.
Roy didn't dare say a word and let Ed continue.
"...the convolutions..." The words were choked off and Edward fought hard to keep the tears from falling again.
Roy clenched his eyes shut and pulled Ed closer. Neither his team nor the brothers spoke of what had happened while he was in that room. It was as if they had been sworn to secrecy. Or threatened. Despite his best efforts, Roy could hardly obtain any information about those bleary days he spent in the hospital. The most he could achieve was the status of his condition from Hawkeye when he was coherent enough to ask her. He was unable to even receive that much from his own doctor.
"They kept trying to get me to go home and rest; to leave you! So many times, you almost died, Roy. There was no fucking way I was leaving your side!" With that declaration Ed lifted his upper half – both hands on either side of Roy – removing himself from the safety and security of Roy's heartbeat. (The one thing keeping him grounded.)
Roy looked straight into those golden eyes. They were glistening with unshed tears, but they were far from soft. Leave it to Ed to be on the brink of crying but never let the devotion and fire in his eyes falter.
On more than one occasion Roy wondered how he was fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of the legendary Elric loyalty. He raised his right hand and placed it on Ed's cheek. Roy looked at his love fondly for a moment before he spoke.
"I know. Thank you, my love. I don't know what else to say besides, thank you, for everything you've done for me these past few months. For not giving up on me when things seemed bleak."
"Of course not! You would actually have to die to get rid of me and I'm not letting that happen!"
A small smile played on Roy's face, and he once again thought what did he do to deserve this golden beauty above him?
"Be that as it may, it still doesn't excuse your declining health, Ed." Ed stared back at him with an unreadable expression but said nothing. "I should be the only one among us in poor health."
True, since being released from the hospital Roy has been on the mend but the side effects of the infection would rearing its ugly head at the worst possible times. But he was getting better. He was going to live.
"I'm fine," Ed muttered, no longer looking into Roy's eyes.
"Edward." Ed had to suppress the flinch from Roy’s stern tone.
Ed turned his attention back to Roy. "Look, I need to worry about you, ok? I'll be fine. You've seen how much I eat; I can afford to miss a few meals."
"What about sleeping?” Roy Mustang was a decorated military officer, politician, and professional Elric handler. He wasn’t about to let Ed weasel his way out of this conversation so easily. “When was the last time you got a full night's sleep?"
Ed opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out, so he slowly closed it, evading those dark, accusing eyes. He'd been running on fumes for weeks and he's not sure when the last time he had gotten more than 2-4 hours of sleep since Roy came home from the hospital.
When they would retire for the night, Ed would always pretend to sleep until he could feel the calm rhythm of Roy's breathing. Once he thought Roy was fast asleep Ed would stand watch. Making sure that Roy was ok; alive, that more kidnappers wouldn't come for him again or just to avoid the pain of having to relive finding Roy in that cold cellar, broken, bloody and unconscious. He was so tired, but he would endure this if it meant keeping the one, he held so close to his heart alive and safe.
Roy placed his fingers on Ed's chin and forced his lover to look him in the eyes. "I don't want you killing yourself because of me." Roy’s voice remained stern, but he wasn't angry.
"I'm not killing myself, bas-"
"Yes, you are! Maybe not quickly but slowly. Don't think I haven't noticed the concerning amount of weight you’ve lost and how pale your skin has become. Not long ago you were clinging to me and begging me not to leave you. How do you think Alphonse and I feel seeing you slowly waste away?" Ed always knew how to push his buttons even if he was doing so unintentionally.
Roy knew bringing up what had happened no more than a few hours ago was a dirty trick but he had to get through to his thickheaded boyfriend somehow. Roy had hit the nail on the head when Ed had winced at the recent memory being thrown back in his face.
Edward bowed his head, his golden bangs shielding his face. A defeated sigh came from his lips before sat back on his thighs. He covered his eyes with his steel hand and tilted his head toward the ceiling and Roy looked on in silence.
"I can't." Ed's voice was barely over a whisper and Roy had to strain to hear him.
"What can't you do, Ed?" His voice automatically mirrored Ed’s.
"Every time, every damn time I close my eyes I'm brought back there – where we found you." Ed's voice cracked on the final word, yet the tears still had yet to fall. "It's like the image is tattooed to the back of my eyelids – you were covered in blood." Ed stopped and took a moment to collect himself.
With a shuddery inhale he continued.
"There was so much blood, Roy... We couldn't pinpoint where the worst of it was coming from, and you were so close to bleeding out. Hawkeye didn't want me to touch you, but I had to get you to wake up! Then you went and called me that stupid name pet name and passed out again!" He was crying. "I thought you fucking died, Roy! I thought we – I wasn't fast enough."
Roy’s heart shattered at the scene before him. It infuriated him to no end not to be able to remember much of what happened after receiving yet another torturous beating from his captors and eventually succumbing to the pain. All he could remember of his few fleeting instances of consciousness during his hospital stay and the months spent recovering at home was that Edward was always a constant. Roy couldn’t recall a time he had more than thirty minutes to himself without the presence of his personal sun within eyeshot.
Roy was pulled from his thoughts when Ed's wavering voice continued on.
"N-not knowing where you were or if you were alive –" A sob forced its way past Ed's lips. “When I remember what happened it makes me sick to my stomach. You didn’t deserve that! Not after all the good you’ve done for this damn country!"
Ed removed the automail from his face and looked into Roy’s glossy, black eyes.
"I won't let that happen again. I won't let anyone hurt you, again, I promise!" The fire in those golden eyes was present amongst the tears.
Roy quickly grabbed Ed's forearms and pulled him close, nearly knocking Ed's head against the armrest in the process. "You idiot!" Roy whispered harshly into the mop of blond hair. "You're such an idiot! Why has it taken you this long to tell me? Why do you insist on carrying such heavy burdens alone?!"
"You need to heal," Ed replied softly, his voice muffled by the fabric of the couch. "You've been through a lot and it's not something you should be worried abo-"
"I'm alive." Roy interrupted his voice barely above a whisper.
"What?"
"I'm alive, Ed. It's because of you and the team that I'm alive and here with you right now. You've done your job, now please let me do mine."
Ed tried to respond but Roy held him tighter, and he placed a hand on the back of Ed’s head to shift him closer to the crook of his neck.
"I'm alive, sweetheart and I'm not going anywhere," Roy whispered directly into Ed's ear. "I can't go back to how things were before we got together. I never want to have another lonely night without you in our bed. I don't want to wake up and not see you sleeping soundly beside me in the most peculiar of ways. I don't want to come home and not see hundreds of pieces of paper and books scattered throughout the house when you think you've stumbled across a breakthrough for your research. I never want to spend the rest of my life not being able to hold you or kiss you."
"My love, my heart, you are my everything. I can't live without my sun. Please don't take it away from me. Let me help you. Let us help you. Please, Ed."
Ed couldn't speak. It felt as if someone had lodged several pairs of rolled socks down his throat and it took everything in him not to start crying again. He hated it when Roy spilled his heart out like that. There was no point in fighting anymore. Roy was pleading with everything he had. Ed had never heard him sound like that before and he made a mental note to ensure he never heard it again.
He nodded.
"Thank you, my love, thank you."
Minutes had passed and the suffocating feeling in Ed's throat had lessened enough to finally allow him a chance to whisper a response,
"I'm still making sure nothing happens to you. I made a promise." Roy gave a light chuckle.
"Of course, sweetheart."
The End.