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It wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t care about Scott McCall and his do-gooder pack, he didn’t care about becoming an alpha no one needed, he didn’t even care about the back-from-the-dead betas he didn’t deserve. He wanted to survive, to make it through the revival of the beast without being injected with mercury, to have enough power to protect himself if he’s ever threatened by the Doctors he was raised by. He just wanted to survive.
It’s never about what he wants. If it was about what he wanted he would never have caught the Dread Doctors attention. If it was about what he wanted he would never have watched his sister die, believing she wanted him to have her heart. If it was about what he wanted, he would never have gotten used to the feeling of blood on his hands, to hands on his body, to bodies on his own. If it was about what he wanted he would never have had his heart torn from his chest in a never-ending groundhog hell. If it was about what he wanted, he would have grown up normal, no forged gold eyes that should glow blue, no stolen claws that feel as though they tear the skin every time they push through his nail bed, and no shifting bones that feel like they’re breaking every time he even slightly shifts forms.
It doesn’t matter what he wants now, either. Twenty-seven thousand hearts later, and he was being dragged up from his tailored prison cell. So what if he panicked? If he reeked of fear- of terror? If he was terrified that this was some new trick, some new way to punch a hole into his chest with sharp claws, forced to be bared open and vulnerable in front of people who hate him? It’s not like the two puppies-cause it’s real, he’s out, and these really were two of the McCall pack puppies-could properly use their sense of smell-well, Hayden might, he trained her after all, but judging from the bitter mix of hatred and fear tinging the air, she was a little preoccupied. But he was out of the ground, and it still doesn’t matter what he wants, the angry little wolf holds out the sword and if he says jump, Theo jumps, lest he be dragged back down by his sister to repeat the process another twenty-seven thousand times, and who knows if they would ever pull him back up again. So, he follows and bides his time, does what he’s told, follows the true beta and his supportive girlfriend into a battle he had no part of, only useful for his memory of someone long forgotten and if the chimera can help get him back.
Then Liam defends him, defends his decision that pulling Theo from the ground was the right decision. It’s not really about Theo though, it never is, he’s defending his position as future alpha, that he’s the true alphas first beta and he can step up and make good decisions, even If the decision leaves them forced to trust someone they hate. It works at least, Theo won’t lose his heart again just yet, the least he can do is help Liam with his plan, so he does. Continues to help until he’s finally able to force the young wolfs hand from within the normal barred cell, convince him to break the sword against his better judgement for information that only might be helpful. He’s not sure what else he feels past the mind-numbing relief, the ache in his chest pulsing with the knowledge that he’s safe for now, away from Tara and the constant reminder that the heart skipping in solace isn’t truly his own.
Then he’s out of the cell, recalling the lost human, how he was the only one who suspected even an inkling of how completely fucked up Theo had truly been since he left them in fourth grade, how he was the only one smart enough to understand that something wasn’t right with the chimera. What he wants doesn’t matter past survival, he needs to be able to keep wanting, and to do that he had to help. Had to follow the angry beta to the hospital where his sister used to be, to the morgue where his heart left his chest over and over, follow him into battle where they fought and fought, almost witness more loss as the chimera gets pushed down to his knees and the beta gets bent over the table, only for Liam to not only save himself, but use his strength to push the ghost riders gun and shoot the ghost rider that was about to wipe away Theo’s existence. He never understood, never could get why the beta would risk being overpowered to help Theo, why he would take the time to save him.
He couldn’t help it, the ache in his heart as their eyes met, the contentment when their fists almost just met in a bump only to be ruined by an army of ghost riders, too many ghost riders. So maybe he had said he wouldn’t be the bait, maybe he claimed that he would leave the young wolf for dead, but he couldn’t, it couldn’t end like this, the only chance they had was to stop the hunt, so he did what he had to. He pulled the beta up, tugged him through the dingy hospital hallway, and threw the wolf into the elevator, he could be the bait, he could use his body as the weapon it was made to be if it gives the frightened wolf a chance to help save them all. He plays his role well, fighting his way through the ghost riders, knocking them down and putting them out of commission in a flurry of claws and whips and bullets and hospital tools. He actually made it, trained well by the Doctors he supposes, the perfect infiltrator, spy, murder, the Chimera of Death, a name he lives up to as he stands surrounded by an army of downed ghost riders.
What else can he do in that moment of victory but follow Liam, to tip his head back as he exits the hospital and chase the putrid scent of fear mixed with savory determination. The chimera chases the scent along the streets, racing along the tracks the beta must have stumbled upon, and just in time too. In time to save the beta again, to rip a rider off of him and snap its neck so easily under his enhanced muscles. Saves the wolf from being taken away to the hunt, only to watch Liam ride a horse for the first time ever, to witness how optimistic he is to ride into the hunt willingly. To save his friends, his pack, the people who love him and he loves in turn, something foreign that he just doesn’t understand why. So he leaves, he gets into his truck still parked by the school, and starts driving, driving away was the intention, away from the beta who brought him back from his personal hell, from the alpha who put him there, from the town that may as well just be a bunch of ghosts.
Isn’t this what he wants? To live another day, survive till morning, live his life with Tara’s heart still beating in his chest? He doesn’t understand why it hurts, why her heart feels like it’s contracting and his stomach swoops at the lightning striking in the distance. He could escape from the town that never did anything good for him, that attracts deathly problems like the plague. Is this what he wants? He doesn’t even know anymore, he’s not sure what he wants, he never had a choice before, beyond surviving. The choice is in his hands now, he could leave, survive, live another day, and forget about the McCall pack and their goodie two-shoes members. He could leave, it’s a short drive away to get out of town, away from the erasure that is occurring. But…
It isn’t what he wants. He can’t help but think about the mesmerizing blue eyes staring up at him from the elevator floor as he plays the bait, the first color he saw when he clawed up from his prison. He can’t help it, it’s not what he wants, he doesn’t want to just survive anymore, he wants to actually live. He wants to really live, to belong, to feel wanted, needed, not just useful, so he takes a sharp turn, opens his window, and follows the scent of spice and flowers that makes up the True Alpha. The chimera throws his car into park and goes to fight, to help, and he does, they win, they beat the hunt, the nazi löwenmench that tried to control it, and get everyone back, all of Beacon Hills returned as they were.
He isn’t sure how he’s meant to feel now, he’s never done anything just because he could before, never made an attempt to do something just because Theo wanted to. It’s nice, almost, the first choice he has ever made that hasn’t been just about his own survival, he helped the pack, helped save lives even. It might even scare him to have choices now, so many choices where he can do anything, he can choose to be any kind of person, rather than just a survivor, an experiment. He doesn’t want to be a failure anymore, he didn’t want to be one when he was eight, and he definitely doesn’t want to be one now, ten years later. Maybe… he really can have what he wants after all, even if he isn’t quite sure what that is.