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"Rui.." Tsukasa mumbled, holding onto Rui's hand like his life depended on it. He watched as Rui rubbed his tears away with his arm before looking directly at Tsukasa.
"Yes, Tsukasa-kun..?" Rui responded, his eyes slightly glossy. Although it was quite odd of Rui to cry, Tsukasa understood why he was crying, hell, he felt like crying too.
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CLICK
Tsukasa pushed the door open, he was finally home. Sighing, he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Maybe he should order food, he didn't feel like making dinner tonight. Taking off his coat, Tsukasa remembered he promised to come to his little sisters show next week, but he's not sure if he can see it now, with his model work taking up all his time. He slipped off his shoes and placed them somewhere.
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Tsukasa blinked, realizing that his phone was ringing. Grabbing his phone, he noticed how long he was spacing out, he hoped whoever was calling him didn't have to wait too long for him to pick up.
"Hello?" Tsukasa said, placing the phone by his ear as he grabbed a kettle and poured himself a cup of hot tea.
"Hey Onii-chan!" Saki yelled, Tsukasa could tell how widely she was smiling, and the thought of that made him smile as well.
"Ah, Saki! It's been a while since we talked, how are you?" Tsukasa responded, grabbing a spoon and stirring around his tea.
"I'm doing good! How are you? Have you gotten enough sleep? Did you—" Saki rambled on, causing Tsukasa to roll his eyes, letting out a laugh.
"Saki! I'm doing fine, no need to worry!" He chuckled, but he felt a little bad having his sister always worry for him.
Saki didn't seem that convinced, but she didn't want to force Tsukasa to talk about his problems, so she decided to ask him about it another day. "Alright, alright! But, you should take a break from work! I have some tickets to my show in a few weeks, I would be really happy if you came! It's been a while since you've seen my shows.." She said, mumbling the last part.
"Of course I'll come! Anything for my little sister!" Tsukasa immediately said, laughing. Why would he ever deny his sister's requests?
"Really?" Saki exclaimed, excited and surprised her brother's gonna come to her groups show. Tsukasa has been busy with his work, resulting in him not being able hang out with Toya and Saki or see their shows anymore.
"Really! I promise I'll be there." He said, smiling widely. He hasn't seen Saki or her bandmates in a long time, he wonders how much they've improved.
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Tsukasa sighed, yes, maybe he should've thought about it for a second before agreeing, but who was he to ever decline Saki's requests? He's sure he could squeeze in some time in his day to see her groups show.
He turned on the lights, walking to his bedroom and flopping on his bed. He always washed up every time he got home when he was younger, making sure to get rid of any germs he may have gotten from outside.
But ever since he got his own apartment, he doesn't feel like doing that anymore. He mostly did it to make sure he didn't get Saki sick. Now that he lives alone, he doesn't feel the need to do it. He could, but he lost the motivation to do anything when he got home a long time ago.
Tsukasa turned around, staring at the ceiling. It seemed like tonight was no different for him, every night, he always thinks about his troupe. Ever since they graduated, Rui and Tsukasa went to different universities. Which meant they both had a lot more work to do and couldn't go to practice as much as they used to. The troupe couldn't preform any shows since they didn't have the time, which lead to the group disbanding.
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"Nene? Why'd you make us come here so suddenly?" Rui said, tilting his head and putting on his signature smile.
"Yeah Nene-chan! It was really random! Did something happen?" Emu shouted, holding onto Nene's hand since she looked quite sad.
"I..W-Well, you know, since you two have a lot more work to do, and we can't do shows anymore.. I... I think we should disband." Nene said, her sad look turning into one that's guilty as they all gasped.
"Eh?! W-What do you mean? We can't just disband! You.. You know, uh! We don't always have to do shows! We can do them once Rui-kun and Tsukasa-kun don't have as much work anymore!" Emu nervously yelled, smiling weakly as she tried to come up with other things to keep the group from disbanding.
"Emu.. you know we can't wait forever, it might take years. We don't have the time for that. We can't keep people waiting. We need to make them smile." Nene sighed, squeezing Emu's hand a little bit. Emu muttered something under her breath but Nene wasn't focusing on that.
"R-Rui-kun! Tsukasa-kun, what do you guys think? We can wait, right..?" Emu asked, her eyes tearing up as she frowned when they both kept quiet.
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Tsukasa didn't really keep in touch with the others, resulting in them drifting apart. He was obviously sad about it, he missed them dearly, but he found himself missing Rui a lot more. Rui seemed to get over the abandoned friendship surprisingly quickly, Tsukasa tried to as well, but he always failed to do so.
Of course, all the members are now successful, Emu being in a wonderful team and making everyone around her smile, Nene becoming a professional singer, dancer, and actor, and Rui being a well known director and singer. Tsukasa's sure the three of them were still close friends, considering how they always collaborate every moment they can.
And Tsukasa.. he was successful and quite popular as well, though becoming a model at nineteen was hard work. But he didn't care about the job anymore, of course he was happy being a world star like he always wanted to be, but he wanted to be a star with his troupe, not by himself. He should've agreed with Emu, but maybe his mind was overridden by his studies.
Tsukasa sighed, he always thinks about the day they disbanded, he grabbed Rui's hand and stared at him for a while. He wanted to confess his feelings right there and then, but he didn't. He could only muster up a tearful farewell.
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Rui sighed, watching as Nene walked away, Emu following close behind her probably trying to cheer her up a bit. Tsukasa looked at Rui who was beginning to walk away as well, before he caught up to him and grabbed his hand like his life depended on it.
Rui stood still, and Tsukasa watched him wipe away his tears with his arm before looking back at Tsukasa. Tsukasa's gaze softened at the sight of him, he didn't like seeing Rui sad.
"Ah.. Rui..." Tsukasa mumbled, his grip on Rui's hand loosened.
"Yes, Tsukasa-kun..?" Rui responded, his eyes still slightly glossy. Even though it was rare for Rui to cry, he understood why he was crying. To be honest, he felt like crying too, but he didn't want to cry in front of Rui.
"I... um.." Tsukasa stuttered, trying to find the right words, he had to confess, this was his only chance. Rui hummed, waiting for Tsukasa to continue speaking. After a little while, he took a deep breathe before he spoke again.
"Goodluck on your studies, Rui." The words 'see you tomorrow' was left unsaid, he wouldn't see Rui tomorrow, not at school, and not at Wonder stage either. He probably wouldn't see Rui at all. "Bye." Tsukasa added, lightly smiling.
Rui chuckled. "Goodbye, Tsukasa-kun. I hope your studies go well too." He said as Tsukasa left go of his hand. Tsukasa's stomach tightened, why couldn't he confess? This was the perfect moment to let Rui know how much he loved him, why didn't he say anything? He wanted to get a hold of Rui again and tell him how he felt. But he was frozen in place as he watched Rui walk away.
Tsukasa sighed, his smile wavering. He would call Rui when he got home, but he felt like his voice disappeared. He could call Rui tomorrow, but he'd probably be too busy to pick up. Maybe he'll confess when they meet up again.
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If, they meet up again.
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Tsukasa blinked, he was lost in thought again. He glanced at the clock.
[—2:18AM—]
Narrowing his eyes, he looked back up at the ceiling. Rui sometimes stayed up late until he realized the sun was coming up, and Tsukasa would always scold him for that. He's pretty sure Rui has a better sleep schedule now.. And here he was, staying up late everyday. It's like their roles were reversed, Tsukasa wouldn't eat until he noticed how empty his stomach was, maybe it was from hunger, or from how lonely he felt without his troupe.
But Rui is taking care of himself now, and that makes Tsukasa happy.
Tsukasa sighed, it was a routine now. Wake up, eat, go to work, come back home, eat (depending on his mood.), and think about his troupe.
He felt so.. bored. Yes, he could do anything he wanted, but even if he did, he'll never get to feel the same happiness and excitement as he did whenever he was with his troupe. Of course he can always hang out and talk with Saki, but he doesn't wanna bother her. She's finally getting to do everything she's dreamed of, and he won't make Saki waste time hanging out with Tsukasa just because he felt lonely.
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"Tsukasa-kun! Can we trade lunches? My bento is full of these disgusting veggies.." Rui whined, leaning his head on Tsukasa's shoulder as he opened his bento.
"Rui! Stop whining, vegetables are good for you." Tsukasa said, immediately closing his bento again when he saw Rui look at it with his usual mischievous grin.
"But Tsukasa-kun.. I can't eat this sickening and twisted meal! Are you really gonna let your director starve? Oh woe is me!" He said, beginning to pout as he wiped away his fake tears.
"Ugh.. Rui... of course I wouldn't let you starve, but you also can't always not eat your vegatables!" Tsukasa groaned, lightly pushing Rui's head off of his shoulder.
"Hmm.. what can I do for you to give me your bento, Tsukasa-kun?" Rui said as he smiled, waiting for an answer from Tsukasa.
In all honesty, Tsukasa really wanted Rui to kiss him, not that he would ever admit it in front of Rui though. What if he didn't like Tsukasa back, and the conversation turned awkward? As much as he wanted to ask for a kiss, he didn't want to damage his relationship with Rui.
"..If I give you my bento, will you promise not to blow me up for a month?" Tsukasa responded, turning his head to face Rui.
Rui sighed. "If I must... yes, I promise I won't blow you up for a month." Rui whispered, grabbing Tsukasa's bento as he handed it over.
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Tsukasa turned his head and stared at his window, the stars were quite pretty tonight. He always loved stargazing, they amazed him, how bright they shined while being so far away, how they always somehow disappeared whenever it was morning, Tsukasa loves stars.
He loved, stars.
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"Hey, Rui, wanna go stargazing with me? I found the perfect spot." Tsukasa chirped, holding his hand out for Rui to grab.
"Ah? Of course!" Rui cooed, grabbing Tsukasa's hand as he lead him to a high place and sat them down.
"The stars shine the brightest when you get closer to them, so picking a high spot to stargaze is the perfect place." Tsukasa mumbled, laying down as he stared at Rui, sitting up and watching the stars.
"Do you stargaze often, Tsukasa-kun?" He asked, staring in awe as he saw a few shooting stars.
"I suppose I do, I used to take pictures and show them to Saki, since she was always interested in seeing the stars again." Tsukasa explained, "Do you stargaze often too?" he inquired.
"Not really, I've never really went outside a lot before. I wasn't that interesting in stargazing anyway, maybe I am now though." Rui murmured.
Tsukasa wasn't even really looking at the stars, he was looking at Rui. He only asked to stargaze with him just to admire Rui. Anyone would be lucky to have him, he was smart even though he always skipped class, and he was also quite attractive. Tsukasa sometimes found himself wondering if his hair was really natural or not.
. . . . . "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" . . . .
"Eh?" Rui looked back to see Tsukasa staring at the stars. "Sorry, did you say something? I couldn't hear you." He questioned, he could've sworn he heard Tsukasa mutter something under his breath, but he didn't know what he said.
"Ah, nothing that important, I was just saying how pretty the night sky is." Tsukasa replied, feeling his cheeks get a little warm, thankfully, Rui looked back up at the stars, not catching how Tsukasa's cheeks turned into a soft red.
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Tsukasa sniffled, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He was so stupid. Why couldn't he confess? Why was he so scared? He should've grabbed his hand again and confessed, he was always confident before, so why was he such a coward at that moment? He didn't feel like going to work, or going to his sister's show. He just wanted to stay home and drown in his own self pity. But he knew he had to go to work, and he knew he had to go to Saki's show.
He doesn't want to let them down.
But maybe he already did.
Tsukasa sighed, he didn't know what to do anymore. Maybe all those years of bottling up his feelings has finally caught up to him. He wonders if he'll ever meet his troupe again, maybe become friends again, and hang out like they used to. He doubts that though.
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"Rui! I... I love you!" Tsukasa yelled, feeling his cheeks warm up a little.
"Ah? ...Great performance, Tsukasa-kun. You really captured the scene well! Your emotions were spot on too." Rui said, clapping his hands as he looked back at the script, not saying anything about Tsukasa's mess up. "Now, onto the next scene! You know the lines, right Tsukasa-kun? They're pretty easy to remember—" Rui added, trailing off, but Tsukasa couldn't hear him. He forgot they were acting out a scene, and he accidentally said "Rui" instead of the characters name. Hopefully Rui didn't mind it, as much as he wanted to know his reaction.
Maybe he'll try to confess another day.
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That's what Tsukasa always repeated to himself whenever his plan to confess failed, 'He'll just confess another day.' but he never did tell Rui how much he loved him, he never told Rui how much he daydreamed about having Rui hold his hand and kiss him, he never told Rui how many nights he wished Rui loved him back.
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[Rui: i miss u]
Ah, Tsukasa thought, staring at the message Rui sent at 3AM. He sighed, why did Rui always text him this? It played with his heart strings. It felt like Rui was just purposefully leading him on, but Rui wouldn't do that, would he?
..He put that thought on hold as he typed a message out to send.
[Tsukasa: Rui, we can always hang out tomorrow.. why do you always send me this?]
And.. sent.
[Tsukasa: Rui, we can always hang out tomorrow.. why do you always send me this?]
Read 3:42 AM
Tsukasa sat up, waiting for Rui to type out a response. But it never came. He watched as the typing bubble never showed up, Rui just completely disregarded his question. Tsukasa groaned, placing his phone back on his desk, why would he say 'I miss you' and just leave him on read? He'll just ask Rui about it tomorrow.
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Rui always sent Tsukasa 'I miss you' messages, and they confused Tsukasa. He didn't know if Rui also had a crush in him, Rui always made it difficult to understand things, it was normal, of course. But he wished he didn't make it so difficult to understand if he liked Tsukasa back or not.
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"Rui, how do you feel about me?" Tsukasa questioned, walking to school with Rui.
"Hm? That's quite out of the blue.. but you're a great person, you always care about others and you never really hold a grudge against anyone. I don't think there is anything negative about you, Tsukasa-kun. You're my best friend." Rui explained, smiling as he looked at Tsukasa. Ouch, that stings. Tsukasa wished Rui could've thought of Tsukasa as more than a friend. "But why did you ask me that?" He also asked, tilting his head slightly.
"No reason, I just.. wanted to know." Tsukasa muttered. Rui didn't seem convinced, considering how dull Tsukasa's voice was, but he decided to ignore it.
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Tsukasa felt his mouth curve slightly upwards, thinking about the times he spent with Rui sometimes filled the empty void he had in his heart, but the feeling would quickly go away, since he knew he couldn't hang out with Rui anymore. He huffed out a small chuckle, closing his eyes and thinking about the time he first met Rui. Tsukasa never really had crushes, he thought they were a waste of time, especially since you wouldn't know if they'd like you back or not. He had small crushes, sure, but he normally got over them quickly. Until he met a certain someone.
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Tsukasa rubbed his eyes, he couldn't sleep last night. He was tired, and when he was tired, he couldn't focus on anything. Which normally caused him to mess up on his tests, not that his grades dropped a lot, he still was the top student. He sometimes wishes he could just fail on his tests without worrying about losing his title as the top student, he was growing tired of always having to get a high grade on his tests.
"Kamishiro-san!" Someone yelled, Tsukasa could hear people running down the halls, he continued to walk to his class, ignoring whatever nonsense was going on until someone bumped into him.
"Ah?~ My bad!" They said, flashing a wide grin. Their smile was weirdly almost like a cat smile.
"Kamishiro-san! Get back here!" Another person yelled as the boy seemed to notice and continued to run away while Tsukasa watched them.
Tsukasa blinked, turning back around and continued walking until he got to his class, sitting down as he tried to listen to what the teacher was saying.
Except, he couldn't. His mind was stuck on the guy he bumped into.
The boy had purple hair with cyan streaks, Tsukasa wondered if it was natural or he dyed it, he thought the latter would be more realistic though. Tsukasa shook his head, why was he still thinking about him? He normally forgot everyone he spoke to at school even if they were introduced to each other in a rather odd way.
He sighed, why was his eyes so entrancing? His eyes were such a nice gold, maybe if he stared too long he'd never want to take his eyes off of him. His hair also seemed soft, like if touched it would feel like a soft fluffy plushie. He smelled like a mix of oil and lavender, like he tried to remove the smell of oil by drowning himself in perfume, except it completely backfired on him. His lips seemed so soft and plump, and they had a slight red tint. Tsukasa kind of wanted to know how his lips would feel on his own—
What?
Tsukasa shook his head, why was he thinking about kissing him? They just met. Huffing, he rested his head on his hand, hopefully he'll get over it soon.
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Tsukasa sat up, burying his head in his legs. His eyes burned. He hated crying, but he felt like he couldn't do anything about it anymore. He just let his tears fall and fall, no one would really know, he was all alone anyway.
Tsukasa's head hurt, he wanted to sleep, needed to sleep. But he couldn't sleep, no matter how hard he tried, he'll always be plagued by his own thoughts. He sighed, he had never felt so empty in his entire life. His stomach felt hollow, and his heart hurt. But no matter how much food he ate or how many people praised him, the emptiness would never go away.
He hated this, he hated having this feeling, he hated feeling lonely, he hated the tiny voice in his head that was always bugging him, he hated it all.
Tsukasa kept seeing kids play and having fun whenever he drove to work, and his stomach tightens at the sight. He wasn't envious of them, nor was he angry at them for having fun with their friends. He felt nothing, but he also felt everything whenever he saw them. He disliked that feeling.
Maybe he should take a small break from work. He's sure they wouldn't mind, not that he really cares if they do.
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Well, at least Rui is happy.