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"Ugh.. where is it.." Tsukasa grumbled, opening his drawers and scattering all the papers in them. He was supposed to submit in his paperwork to his boss in the morning but he completely lost the finished paper, and he didn't feel like finding another copy and just redoing it all.
He was about to close one of the drawers until he saw a bright yellow envelope under all the paperwork sheets. Tsukasa stared at the envelope for a few seconds before grabbing it. It was a little ripped and it had star stickers all over, maybe it was a letter for someone he forgot to give it to in the past. Closing the drawers, he brushed off most of the dust on it.
Carefully opening the envelope and taking out the letter, Tsukasa flattened the slightly crumpled up paper and read the first sentence on it.
"Hey, future me!"
Ah.. It was a letter Tsukasa wrote for him to read in the future. He doesn't remember writing it though, maybe it was when he was very little. He stood up and walked over to his desk, sitting down and grabbing a pen to answer his past questions. They were mostly silly, but it was what a little kid would ask themselves in the future.
Tsukasa then got down to the lower part of the letter, the questions got a little more emotional. Well, for present Tsukasa. He's sure little Tsukasa thought nothing of it. Staring at one of the questions, he thought about his answer for a while.
"Are you happy?"
Tsukasa narrowed his eyes and slightly frowned. He sighed before writing out an answer for it.
"Yes. I am happy."
That was a lie, he was the most miserable he's ever been, but kid Tsukasa would be sad if he answered truthfully. He bit his lip, almost causing it to bleed. Even though past Tsukasa wouldn't even be able to read his answers, he still would've felt guilty saying he's been so empty for the past years.
Tsukasa lightly hit his head with his hand, he should move onto the next question instead of spacing out again.
"Is Saki happy?"
He smiled, of course. He wrote a question asking about how his sister was instead of keeping it about himself. Typical Tsukasa.
"She's the happiest girl in the world!" He wrote. Chuckling as he thought about the times he spent with his little sister.
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"It is I! The best knight of the castle, here at your service, my princess!" Tsukasa yelled as he bowed, smiling widely at his little sister's contagious laughter. He liked hearing his sister laugh.
"My dearest knight! You're finally here!" Saki giggled, her voice wavering from excitement. She had just been released from the hospital and was able to stay home for a few days, so Tsukasa decided to put on a play for her.
"Of course I'm here! You called, and who am I to ever decline the princess's wish?" Tsukasa rose up, taking Saki's hand and smiling brightly. "Besides, I'll always be right by you to protect you from any danger!" He exclaimed, putting his hands on his waist, looking proud.
"Hehe! Right, right. You'll always be here to protect me, how could I forget! Thank you for being here with me even through my darkest times." Saki said as she hugged Tsukasa. He smiled, hugging her back.
"I'll always be here for you, Saki." Tsukasa mumbled, holding her in his arms carefully, the hug wasn't too tight, nor was it too loose. It was the perfect balance.
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Tsukasa sighed, he wants to hang out with Saki again. Of course they were still close, dare he say inseparable, even. It's just they don't hang out as much as they used to, with Saki focused on her shows and experiencing new things everyday, and Tsukasa busy with his work. Whenever one wanted to spend time with the other, they were always busy, and whenever they found time to hang out, the other was busy.
Tsukasa grabbed his phone and scrolled down in his gallery. He always kept old pictures he took with his troupe, as he continued scrolling, he found a picture of a memory he'll never forget. A picture of him and his troupe all together. It was a photo Tsukasa took the day before they disbanded. They all decided to hang out and catch up on some things. They hung out at Phoenix Wonderland and went on some of the rides and got plushies and food from the stalls.
Tsukasa smiled at the photo. Emu and Nene were a little far away from the camera while Tsukasa and Rui were quite close to it. Emu was holding onto Nene's hand and taking a small bite out of Nene's cotton candy. Nene always didn't seem to mind whenever Emu wanted to have a taste of her snacks or food (which sometimes lead to Emu eating the whole thing.), even though she hated it whenever Tsukasa or Rui tried taking some. Tsukasa was holding up peace signs while Rui was staring at him with a soft expression.
Tilting his head, it kind of looked like Rui was in love with Tsukasa from how soft his expression was staring at him. But maybe Tsukasa was just hoping he'd like him back. Even if he did, Rui probably lost feelings now. They don't talk anymore, and Tsukasa thinks Rui may have forgotten about him. And that was okay. As long as Rui was happy now.
Tsukasa continued to scroll down, until he saw a photo of him as a small child. He sighed, he wasn't sure if it was out of sadness or happiness. He looked so cheerful and free in that picture. Making up his own plays without anyone harshly criticizing him for it and showing them to his sister. He wishes he could be a kid again, to be free again and have no one there to trap him inside a cage. To be happy and experience everything again.
But that's silly. Wishing to be a kid again when you should be happy about how you are now. He has all the money in the world, he could buy and go anywhere he wanted, but he didn't want to. It wouldn't make him happy. He wouldn't feel as free as he did when he was a kid. He'll never get to experience that feeling again.
And that's alright. He shouldn't get to experience the feeling of freedom and happiness again. He was greedy and selfish. And he will always be greedy and selfish, no matter how hard he tries to become better, he'll never be better. He'll never become the happy and caring person he's always wanted to be. He has already sealed his future.
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"Here's my idea for the shoot. I have another if you don't like this one." Tsukasa said, handing his boss papers and photo references. He felt his mouth curve upwards a little.
"Is this some sort of joke?" They said, looking at him with a frown. Tsukasa's eyes slightly widened as his breath hitched. 'Some sort of joke?'.. That kind of... hurt. He sucked in a deep breath and giggled.
"Haha! Yes, it's a joke. We obviously wouldn't do that for the photoshoot." Tsukasa laughed, watching his boss huff out a small chuckle.
"Good.. good." They said, handing the paper back to Tsukasa.
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Huh. Now that he thought about it, it really hurt Tsukasa. He didn't like when people took his ideas as a joke, but he always just played it off as one since he didn't wanna embarrass himself by saying he was serious about it. It seemed like his silly childish ideas never left. His ideas never got more mature and better, it was and always will be childish.
Tsukasa sighed as he leaned back in his seat, tapping the back of his pen on his desk. His work was tiring. He'll always feel tired from it, even if he sleeps all day or takes naps, he'll never not feel tired. His arms and legs will never not feel heavy whenever he gets back home. He'll never have the feeling of happiness from falling asleep and waking up again to get ready for school and go to practice.
..It's odd. How time works, it started with Tsukasa making up silly shows for his sister to getting a troupe and making actual performances for everyone, to becoming a popular model. He started with a lot of confidence and now he lost it all. He lost his shine. He should've known this would happen. Considering how people say stars always die down someday. He just didn't think he'd lose his troupe, too.
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"Hey Rui.." Tsukasa mumbled, turning his head away from the road to face Rui. Tsukasa asked to walk to school with Rui since he wanted to ask a question. He already knew the answer though, he just wanted to know if Rui would lie or not.
"Hmm?" Rui hummed, continuing to face forward, not bothering to look at Tsukasa.
"Do you think… we’ll always stay like this? Like, stay friends. Stay as a team.." Tsukasa asked, staring at the back of Rui's head.
"Of course, we'll always stay as a team. No matter what happens." Rui chuckled quietly.
Tsukasa knew Rui's real answer, Rui knew they can't always stay as a team. As much as Tsukasa would like for him to tell the truth, Rui saying they'll always stay together made him smile a little, even if it was a lie.
He lightly sighed. He hopes things could just stay the way they are now. He doesn't want anything to change. He doesn't want to lose his troupe. He doesn't want to lose Rui. He doesn't want to lose anything. But he can't stop anything. He'll always lose something. Everything will always change. No matter how much he wants things to stay the same.
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What a weird boy Tsukasa is.. he wants criticism but he can't handle anyone giving him the slightest change for his ideas. He wants people to tell him how they feel about him but would cry once alone if he gets told he was annoying. He wants people to talk to him about their troubles but he couldn't comfort them even if he tried.
He found it enthralling how people can change so quickly. Tsukasa was an unhappy and empty child until he started performing with his troupe. And now he's that little lonely boy again, and he'll always be that lonely boy. He has ran for so long and he's changed way too many times, maybe he's finally reached the end of the road. He's always wanted to reach the end, but now he wishes he could still run.
He should have never gotten attached to his troupe. He knew all things come to an end, and yet he still got attached. And now he has to face the consequences. But.. if he didn't get attached, he would've skipped out on all their fun hangouts, he would've never gotten the chance to feel alive again. So maybe it was the right choice to get attached, well, Tsukasa thinks it's the right choice.
But truthfully, it isn't. Nothing would've been the right choice. There is no right choice in Tsukasa's life. He only thinks there is one just to feel like he did something right for once. But he's just doing everything wrong. Everything he does is wrong, everything he says is wrong. It's all wrong. He won't say any of his ideas to his team, he knows the idea sucks. He won't do anything by himself, he'll just mess it up. He'll always just leave it to somebody else.
Tsukasa sighed. All he wants now is to hang out with his old troupe again. He's probably the only one that didn't keep in touch with the others. He should've texted them every once in a while. He could message one of them and ask to hang out, but he doesn't want to. It'd be odd texting them after not speaking to each other for years.
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"Tsukasa-kun." Someone called out, Tsukasa could tell who it was. A voice he'd never forget, a voice that gives him butterflies. Rui. Tsukasa's first real crush. Someone Tsukasa cherishes dearly. Even if Rui betrayed him, he'll always have a special place in Tsukasa's heart.
"Yeah?" Tsukasa replied. He didn't want to look behind him. He didn't want to see Rui's heavenly, charming face. He'd only fall in love with him even more.
"What are you doing here?" Rui questioned, gradually walking closer to Tsukasa. His tone was soft. Tsukasa liked it whenever he spoke like that.
"..I needed to think. This place is quite peaceful, a great place to space out without anyone interrupting." He began, taking his gaze away from the grass and onto the sky. "But I suppose you have found me." Tsukasa added. He preferred being here alone, but he didn't mind having some company, to be honest, he liked having company here. Especially if it was Rui.
"Ah. I see.. I apologize for interrupting you then. I can leave if you want me to." Rui muttered. Feeling the grass under him slightly sink in from the weight placed on it.
"I don't mind you staying. Come on, sit down with me." Tsukasa reassured him, patting the spot next to him.
"Ah... if you say so." Rui said, walking closer to Tsukasa and taking a seat beside Tsukasa. "This place is quite peaceful, but I would have never guessed that you of all people would come here regularly." He added, lightly chuckling.
Tsukasa snorted, "I can't tell if that's an insult or not." he responded, taking a small glance at Rui's hand. He's always wanted to hold it, it seemed soft and smooth even though it had a lot of cuts on it from his outrageous experiments.
"Maybe it is an insult, fufu..~" Rui informed, laughing when Tsukasa let out a loud groan.
"Hey!" Tsukasa whined, turning his head to face Rui as he lightly jabbed him in the arm with his elbow. He huffed, staring back at the sky. Tsukasa liked staring at the sky when it was in the morning instead of at night. Staring at the sky when it was nighttime made him feel a little more lonelier, he doesn't know why though.
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That was years ago, and Tsukasa still doesn't know why staring at the sky at night made him feel more lonely. Maybe he'll never know, maybe someone has to tell him why. He always needs someone to tell him why he feels a certain way, he can't do anything by himself. He doesn't trust himself, and he's pretty sure no one trusts him with anything, either. Sure, he can do what he's supposed to, but he can't do anything without someone telling him what to do.
Tsukasa doesn't understand, and maybe he'll never understand. He wants people to depend on him but he can't even depend on himself. How could you ever depend on someone who doesn't depend on themselves, too? Tsukasa is an odd boy, he knows that. He wants to help people when he can't help himself, he doesn't want to argue with anyone yet he somehow always finds himself arguing with his own mind. Sure, Tsukasa will always try to understand everything, but he's not sure if he'll ever understand himself. He's a mystery, an unsolved case, and nobody knows who or where the detective is.
He'll bury his own problems deep into the ground but ask others to tell him what's bothering them. It's been years and he's still finding a way to never talk about himself or what has been troubling him for a long time.
It sucks. His friends always tell him that it's okay to ask for help, and he can speak about anything that's bothering him, but he won't. It's not that he can't, he just, doesn't want to.
The only person Tsukasa really opened up to was Rui. Rui climbed over Tsukasa's high walls and got him to finally talk about all his troubles and insecurities. Tsukasa felt like Rui was the only person that truly understood him. He understood his problems, he understood the loneliness Tsukasa felt everyday. And that's what made Tsukasa fall in love. That's what made Tsukasa realize how much he was crushing on Rui.
Fortunately (or unfortunately?), the crush on Rui never left or died down. Instead, it got stronger, every time Rui spoke to Tsukasa, his heart felt like it was gonna burst out of his chest. Tsukasa didn't know if he liked or disliked that feeling. It was suffocating to be around Rui, it was like Tsukasa forgot how to breathe whenever he was near Rui. And it hurt, it hurt loving Rui, it hurt being with Rui, it hurt getting attached to Rui. But Tsukasa would never stop liking him. He would never stop caring for him.
But sometimes, Tsukasa questioned if loving Rui was good for him.
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Tsukasa sighed as he opened his bento. He was having lunch alone, again. Mizuki finally decided to go to school and wanted to have lunch with Rui, of course, Rui accepted. Why wouldn't he? He and Mizuki have been friends since middle school, and they haven't talked in a while. So they were gonna spend time together and catch up with everything in each other's lives. Tsukasa should be happy. He should be glad Rui's finally getting to spend some time with his old friend. But he wasn't. He wanted Rui all to himself, he wanted Rui to have lunch with him instead, he wanted Rui to spend his time with him.
No, that was selfish of Tsukasa. He shouldn't want all of Rui's time, he obviously has other friends he can hang out with. Although, Tsukasa sometimes kind of wished he was Rui's only friend. He wanted to be the only thing Rui paid attention to. He wanted Rui to only hang out with him. He wanted to have a place in Rui's heart that no one else has. He wanted to be the only person Rui thought about.
..
..Drip.
Tsukasa sniffled, he shouldn't feel this way. Tsukasa should be happy Rui has other friends to hang out with. He shouldn't want to be Rui's only friend. Tsukasa has many other friends, so why couldn't Rui have friends too? Why was Tsukasa like this? People say he's more selfless than selfish, but he's the most selfish boy on earth. They just say he's selfless because they don't know what's going on inside his mind. Every single thought he has is selfish. He's lucky people don't know how he really is. He's sure Rui would leave him if he knew what Tsukasa was actually like.
On some days, all Tsukasa wanted was for everyone to just stay away from Rui so he would only talk to Tsukasa. On other days, Tsukasa wanted Rui to stay away from him, but Rui wouldn't leave unless told to. And Tsukasa didn't have the heart to tell him to leave him alone, that'd be quite rude. Ah, but isn't Tsukasa already rude?
Wiping away his tears, Tsukasa sighed. He closed his bento and placed it next to him, he didn't feel like eating anymore. If he wants to be a star, he should let his friends have other friends too, if he wants to be a star, he shouldn't be jealous of people talking to his friends. He should encourage them to socialize, not keep them to himself.
Tsukasa groaned, god, why did he have to be this way?
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..Tsukasa blinked, he felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he leaned back forward and placed his head on the table. He wanted his troupe back. He wanted his friends back. He wanted his excitement back. He wanted it all back. He wanted Rui back. He has always wanted Rui and the others to stop teasing him before, but now he finds himself wanting it back too. He missed the way his heart pounded rapidly, trying to escape from his chest every time he spoke to Rui. He missed the way Rui always ruffled his hair whenever he just finished brushing it. He missed the way Rui always made sure Tsukasa was safe no matter what (even when running away from teachers after doing another one of Rui's experiments.). He missed Rui. He missed him so much.
Tsukasa groaned, why did he have to be so stupid? Why was he so ignorant? Why couldn't he muster up the confidence to confess? He was mostly known for his confidence and loudness, so why was it all gone when he needed it the most? He had one chance. One chance. And he screwed it all up, like he always does. All he does is mess everything up.
He's gotten away with so many problems he's caused before, maybe it was time for him to face the consequences. He was stupid for thinking nothing too bad would happen in the future. He's run into an invisible wall he can't go through anymore, watching all his friends run right through it together. Without him. Not paying any mind that they left him behind. Like he never even existed.
Tsukasa felt like he could've done everything better. And he could've, but he was naive. He thought he didn't have to put in the effort anymore. And that's what led him to his predictable doom. Maybe all that yelling he did screwed his brain up a little. Anyone who listened to him yell would've gotten an intense headache. He's already starting to feel it now, the annoying, rhythmic pounding that formed in his head one day.
Tsukasa closed his eyes, he wondered how past Tsukasa would think of him now. He'd probably be in denial, there was no way that the world's future star would grow up to be such an emotional wreck. He most definitely would not like him. All the hard work he's done to get where he was, just for him to throw everything down the drain so easily? How could he just do that when his first and only dream was to become a world star? He doesn't even know, he doesn't know how he threw it all away without even hesitating. He's sure past Tsukasa would be so disappointed. And he doesn't blame him. Anyone would have been disappointed seeing him like this. It was like someone else took his body and tossed away his soul somewhere to never be found.
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Sighing, Tsukasa lifted his head off of the desk, slowly turning to stare at his window.
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Huh, tonight was another night where the moon shined brighter than the stars.