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There is this feeling that has been trapped deep in a sea of guilt and selfishness that Steve hasn’t been able to put his finger on. He experiences this feeling nearly on the daily, with no warning, no prompt, nothing but a glance. It brings tears to his eyes. Hot tears that burn the back of his throat, constricts his lungs, turns his stomach and runs his mouth dry.
No words could possibly explain why he felt this way, why he felt like sobbing into his hands when he sees a couple sitting on a blanket at the park, arms linked and smiling. Nobody could tell him why he wanted to tear his skin apart just seeing an elderly couple happily munching on their food at the local diner. He couldn’t hold back clenching his fists watching a young man jog his way to his car with a bouquet of flowers.
Steve felt sick to his stomach. But he never showed it.
While the people he loved sat around him with their plus one’s, Steve sat alone. The whole party made a huge deal about having movie nights at his place since he had the space. He begrudgingly (almost excitedly) gave in. Now he had 7 kids huddled on the floor, not a single one left out of the innocent touches. There was also Robin and Vickie to his left and Nancy and Jonathan to his right. He sat between the couples on his extra long couch, his legs pulled to his chest. He’d wrapped his arms tightly around his legs, pulling himself further in as to not disturb anyone.
Steve could already tell what his mind was about to do to him. He was already trying to form a half-assed plan so he could get up and leave the suffocation of company. He slowly sat up and put his feet to the ground before heaving himself up. He kept his eyes trained in a spot where he could see everyone. He began walking, shuffling in front of Robin and Vickie to make his great escape. He expected at least someone to comment on his leave but nobody turned a head, bat an eye, or even pull him back.
So Steve made his way to the kitchen. He was glad that the kitchen couldn’t be seen from the living room. He wouldn’t be able to explain why he sat himself on his counter and resumed the same position he was in on the couch, legs hiked up, arms tightly wrapped around them, pulling in. His chin trembled and his body shook. He felt angry. So fucking angry. Pathetic. Weak.
The first tear dropped with no warning. Left Steve gasping, quickly wiping away the evidence. He knew the kitchen wasn’t the best place to break down for no reason but he couldn’t help it. Not when his favorite people were sitting happily watching a movie with their own favorite people… person.
Steve silently screamed into his bicep before aggressively shoving himself off the counter top and quietly making his way out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. His hands shook at his sides as he went up the stairs, debating if he should lock himself in either his room or bathroom for a couple minutes. He eventually chose his room, shutting and locking the door before dragging his feet to his bed. He wrapped the blankets around him, only allowing small room for him to breathe.
Finally, Steve let himself go. The dams broke. He sobbed into the thickness of his blanket, muffling any sound he created. What the fuck was wrong with him? Sadness turning into anger quickly, had him clenching his fists and letting his nails dig deep into his skin. He hugged himself, wishing to just disappear and stop feeling like he was going to shatter into a millions pieces if he ever let go.
He shivered.
Steve cursed himself. He wanted something but he didn’t know what. He longed for this mystery and yet couldn’t place exactly what it was. He’s tried to explain it to Robin once but neither of them could find the words. It left him feeling even more hopeless, helpless. He felt broken with no strings to pull him back together but himself. He didn’t have a spare shoulder to lean on. And he damn sure didn’t have a hand to hold to keep him from sinking further into this pit of darkness.
Time passed with no interruption. It couldn’t been seconds, minutes, even hours before he heard gentle knocking at his door. Steve let his eyes drift to the light coming from underneath the door, seeing two pairs of feet shuffling before one pair eventually left. He didn’t respond, he couldn’t trust himself to. His mind was fried and numb. The owner of the shadow persisted, knocking once more followed by a muffled raspy voice.
Steve closed his eyes and pulled himself deeper into his blankets, turning away from the door. He didn’t move when he heard the knocking become louder, or the voice asking for something he didn’t know what. Steve stared at the wall with a blank expression, listening to his door knob jiggle and click. Silence stretched as his door was pushed open, light flowing into his room. “Steve?” The voice nearly whispered.
Steve screwed his eyes shut. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. He wouldn’t be able to explain why. Tears kept spilling, no signs of stopping in sight.
Footsteps slowly made their way to his bed, pausing before retreating. Steve wanted to sigh in relief but also scream his head off for them to stay. He bit the inside of his cheek as he listened to the footsteps stop again for a brief second, the bright light streaming into his room slowly dimming until he heard the door click back into place. He bit his lip willing the lump in his throat to disappear.
“Stevie?” The voice whispered again. He almost gasped in surprise when he realised who exactly came into his room and that they stayed and closed his door. The footsteps came closer, sounds of fabric rubbing against leather lasted no longer than a second. The bed dipped behind him. “This party for one? Or can another join?” The voice asked softly.
Steve risked a glance behind him, catching the silhouette of thick curly hair and thin frame. He debated whether he truly wanted to be alone or if he should throw himself at the groups new addition and never let go. He simply turned his head back around and lifted his blanket a little bit. The shadow in question wasted no time in climbing over Steve and getting himself underneath the blanket. He watched the metal head get himself comfortable, pushing the pendent of his necklace to the back of his neck.
They stared at each other for a while. Eyes roaming, one filled with worry the other tearful. Eddie slowly lifted his arm he wasn’t laying on and gently rested a hand on Steve cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the almost dried tear tracks. Steve could almost break down again right then and there. The contact was warm and inviting and it lit a fire deep in the pit of his stomach. Something fierce bubbling to the tip of his tongue causing his to bite the muscle. “Wanna talk ‘bout it?” Eddie whispered.
Fuck.
More tears spilled over. And he couldn’t stop the sob ripping through his throat. “Dunno what’s wrong,” he grasped, swallowing heavily, “with me.” Steve’s speech slightly slurred. His breathing became fast and within the second, he felt arms around him pulling him closer. Steve let Eddie crush him into his chest and cried. “I dunno,” he cried, clutching Eddie’s shirt and wetting the fabric with his tears. And if Eddie was disgusted, he didn’t show it. He only rubbed a hand over Steve’s back and tangled his fingers into his hair.
“That’s okay, Stevie. Take some deep breaths with me, okay? Like this,” Eddie took a deep dramatic breath in. Steve felt his chest raise and tried to mimic the movement with wheezing breath. Eddie slowly released his breath allowing time for Steve to follow suit. “Good, you’re doing really good, sweetheart. Take a couple more deep breaths for me. You got this. There you go, perfect.”
They stayed like that for some time. Breathing and warming each other up. Steve eventually stopped shivering, small hiccups leaving his lips. “Sorry..” Steve whispered. He felt so fucking small and weak and not like himself at all. He felt empty and so embarrassed.
“No need to apologise, darling. You’re hurting. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to feel this way. You don’t have to tell me what happened but I heard talking about can do some wonders for the brain.” Steve could almost hear the small smile in Eddie’s voice. He sniffed once before sighing and completely relaxing in Eddie’s hold.
“I just..” Steve couldn’t find the words. It frustrated him. “I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just.. there’s this hole that I can’t fill and I don’t know where it is or why it’s there but I can feel it and… it’s like- whenever I see someone with their someone it just rips me apart. It’s fucking stupid and I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t stop. I know I have all of you guys and the kids but I just can’t stop this feeling of.. of- fuck I don’t know.” Steve groaned.
It was silent. And Steve was growing tense. Maybe he shouldn’t have spoken. Maybe he should’ve stayed quiet and left it alone. He was making such a big deal out of nothing and he knew it.
“Steve, do you think maybe you feel… lonely?” Eddie questioned lightly, running his finger tips through Steve’s hair. Steve paused. Blinking absently.
“I…” Steve opened and closed his mouth before opening it again. “I don’t know how I could feel lonely? I’m constantly surrounded by all of you.”
“Just because you have company doesn’t mean you can’t feel lonely. When was the last time someone held you? Fully had their attention on you and solely you?” The question was heavy. Way heavier than Steve thought it would be. The fact that he had to sit there and think when the last time someone laid a hand on him in a friendly or even romantic way, was almost baffling. But it brought up another problem.
Why hasn’t anyone touched him? Why hasn’t anyone pulled him close? Why hasn’t anyone hugged him or told him they loved him?
“Am I broken?” Steve asked after a couple minutes of silence.
“What do you mean?”
Steve took a deep breath. “Nobody comes close to me. You’re the first since the upside down shit..”
“The first? Wait,” Eddie gently pulls away, making eye contact with the ex-jock. He cupped his cheeks and kept his head still. “Stevie. You know all of us love you right? Completely and unconditionally.” Steve’s breath hitched and his eyes began to water again. He didn’t want to admit it but he didn’t know. He was only leading on hope, scared that it might all end in the blink of an eye. He stupidly shook his head. “We love you, Steve. All of us. We’re all here for you. And if you feel like you need a group cuddle session, you let me know and I can make that happen.”
“I don’t wanna be alone.” Steve blurted out. “I don’t wanna be alone forever. I don’t wanna be unlovable. I don’t wanna.” His voice shrank in volume as he continued, his head shaking.
“You’re not alone, darling. We’ll always be here.” Eddie nearly whispered. But steve kept shaking his head.
“No, no, I don’t wanna be alone. Physically. Romantically. Nobody… nobody has stayed. I never had a constant. I love and I get hurt and I can’t hurt again. I can’t take it. I’m- I’m nobody’s type, nobody’s love, nobody’s anybody. I’m just there. I’m someone but someone’s. I was never seen just looked at. I’m a fling not a forever and fuck I can’t do it again. I can’t.” Steve was running out of breath again. He couldn’t breathe, his chest felt so heavy. Jesus fucking Christ.
“That’s not true-“
“But it is! It fucking is and I have proof. They’re sitting in my living room. I’m not their type and I’m bullshit. I’m fucking bullshit and everything I do and say is bullshit.”
“Stevie..”
“I try so fucking hard to be perfect to make sure everyone feels loved and safe and protected and I’m left here to fend for myself and clutch onto my pillow like a kid-“
“Steve-“
“-and I can’t take it anymore! I hate this and I hate feeling like this and I hate myself and I hate that I can’t just be happy for them but I can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong. That I am wrong, that I’m-“
“Steve! Listen to me.” Eddie grabbed onto Steve’s wrists, pulling them close to his chest. “You’re not alone. You’re not unlovable. And you’re not weak or stupid.” Eddie took a deep breath and moved his hands up from Steve’s wrists to his palm, intertwining their fingers. He waited to see if Steve pulled away but he never did. “I like you. A lot, Steve. And.. and not in a platonic with a capital P way…”
Steve stared at Eddie. Fascinated and scared. “You.. really?” Steve asked dumbstruck.
“Really. I have for a while, I just didn’t know how to tell you. To be honest, I didn’t know if I was going to tell you. I was a little scared myself.”
“Scared? Why?”
“Well…” Eddie bit his lip. “For one, you’re the straightest dude I’ve ever met. A true ladies man. And second, I never knew how you felt.”
“Oh…” Steve slightly frowned.
“Yeah.. oh.”
“But. I’m not straight? I thought you knew.”
Eddie stared in shock. He shook his head slightly, “no.” He whispered. “Never knew.”
“Oh.” Steve said again. He felt dumb now. “If it makes you feel better, I never knew you were into dudes either. We’re basically in the same boat.”
Eddie huffed a surprised laugh, “I guess so.”
Comfortable silence settled over them. Calm breathing was the only thing heard. Neither of them let go of the others hands, keeping their fingers tightly together. And this gave Steve time to think. He always thought Eddie was pretty. His hair and his clothes and his smile and his cologne was addicting. Steve always found himself trained on Eddie’s lips when he spoke, his ring-clad fingers when he played his guitar. All-in-all, Eddie was attractive and Steve was definitely falling for him without even knowing.
“Can I tell you something?” Steve whispered.
“Course. Can tell me anything.” Eddie whispered back.
“I like you too. Like a lot.” Steve could feel his heart beating faster. He was nervous and scared. He knew Eddie already confessed but he also knew feelings can change within a second. He didn’t want to ruin this.
“Really?” Eddie was smiling. Steve was sure of it.
“Mhm.” Steve nodded, keeping his eyes on Eddie. If he looked away, he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to look back. “Pretty.”
Eddie let out a giggle, a fucking giggle! “Jeez, darling. You really know how to make a man blush.”
Steve laughed a little, “shut up, I’m just saying.”
“Me too!” Eddie laughed, shuffling himself a little closer into Steve’s space. “I’m glad you told me. We can talk about it more in the morning. You need some rest.”
Steve was about to argue before a yawn creeped up and betrayed him. He sighed and nodded before untangling their fingers and immediately wrapping his arms around Eddie’s waist and pulling him in further. “Stay?”
“Of course. Goodnight, darling.”
“Goodnight, Eddie.”
And for the first time in a long time, Steve feel into a peaceful sleep.